An - Thanks guys. I'm glad you liked it. The party was a little nod to Luke's party throwing ability as shown in the original finale. Oh Lucas :) Plus a good way to bring the town back in a little. :) Thanks for reading guys and welcome to the new follows, there has been a little flurry,not sure if you are new or just making the follow offical but thank you to everyone who reads. So this chapter is a little different. It's one long scene dealing with the immediate aftermath of Emily's confession and is also my take on what happened back then.(eeps). As ever all my own work so all mistakes my own. Reviews are always welcome, thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy. x
Chapter 29- The Last Wall
"What?" Lorelai repeated, her mind not quite comprehending what was going on while her heart racing from the part that did. Emily didn't respond, instead just stood there sobbing, her hands covering her face. Slowly Lorelai walked forward and wrapped her arms around Emily's shoulders pulling her into a hug, "Come on," she moved, buffeting Emily towards the empty diner.
Keeping one arm on Emily's shoulder she reached along the top of the doorframe for the groove where Luke stowed a spare key and pried it out. With a little difficulty she unlocked the door and pushed Emily through. Without turning the lights on, she closed the door with her hip and then placed both hands on Emily's shoulders pushing her mother towards the curtain behind the counter. Silently, the two women stumbled up the gloomy staircase that led to the old office apartment and Lorelai ushered her still crying mother inside. "Mom, Sit," she guided Emily towards the bed.
Emily hesitated, her dark eyes clearing and confusion taking over her features while she studied the room. "Where are we?"
"In Luke's old apartment above the diner," Lorelai explained trying to push her to sit on the bed.
"Why is there a bed here?" Emily pointed at the item of furniture in distaste.
"Sometimes he has an early delivery and he comes up after and has an extra 20 minutes sleep before he has to open," Lorelai gently pushed Emily's shoulder trying to get her to sit. "Mom, what is going on?"
"I don't want to talk about it," Emily brushed Lorelai's hand away from her shoulder and strode towards the old kitchen.
"Uh, you are talking about it," Lorelai followed her. "You smacked my daughter, you lost it. Emily Gilmore, sobbing in the street. Mom you can't just say Cancer and then clam up," she reached to grab Emily's shoulder, to pull her to look at her. "Mom are you sick?"
Emily turned and looked at Lorelai with blazing eyes, her mouth was pressed into a thin line before she finally looked down and gave a shuddering breath. "When Willow head-butted me, I found a lump."
"A lump," Lorelai swallowed slowly looking down at her mother's chest and then back up at Emily's face. "Oh Mom, why didn't you say anything?"
"I…I…" Emily's shoulders sagged. "I didn't want to say anything until I knew, I didn't want to worry any one for no reason."
"Have you told Dad?" Lorelai frowned as Emily shook her head and started to pace around the empty office. "Mom why not? Why would you go through this by yourself?"
"I…I don't know" she whispered quietly. "I…"
"Oh Mom," Lorelai strode over to her and pulled Emily into a hug holding her tightly, "you should have told us!"
They stayed locked in the hug for a few minutes before Emily lightly pushed Lorelai away. Lorelai stepped back, giving her Mom the space she knew Emily needed. "I'm going to go get some coffee, from downstairs," she added stepping slowly away and backed out of the office. Her legs felt leaden and she still couldn't quite grasp what Emily had just said to her, couldn't grasp how this could be happening at all. She moved into the diner leaving the light off, using only the light from the street to navigate her way round the space she knew so well.
"Lorelai?"
Lorelai turned to look at Luke stood in the doorway in silhouette. She smiled weakly at him and pushed the coffee machine together before rushing over to him and pressing herself into his frame; pressing her entire body against his and letting him hold her tightly, squishing her with a warm hug.
"What's going on?"
"How's Willow?" Lorelai put off saying what was happening.
"She's calmed down. She's not hurt. It was the shock of Emily lashing out at her. She was messing about with her food and Emily snapped at her and went to slap her wrist and Willow turned and got tapped in the face. She's more upset that Grandma hates her. Emily needs to come tell her she loves her." Luke explained. Lorelai exhaled through her nose as she absorbed the information. "Lorelai what is this? Why the hell would Emily do that? Willow is her…"
"She found a lump."
"What?" Luke's voice rose in surprise and horror
She didn't respond, she couldn't. The silence hung between them and She allowed Luke to pull her in closer to him. He was hugging her so tight she could barely breathe and she tightened her arms around him holding him just as strongly. It was the only way she felt like she could remain standing.
"Jeez, Lorelai" Luke finally broke the silence, his voice quiet soft and childlike.
"I don't…" Lorelai whimpered and turned her face into his chest, she tried to choke down the feeling in her throat. A thick and dumb feeling that seemed to encase her entire being. The coffee machine began to tick indicating that it was done and slowly Lorelai lifted her head away from his chest. The switch of focus helped her find her voice. "It doesn't excuse her to do that to Willow," Lorelai coughed slightly, "but she hasn't told anyone."
"Not Even your Dad?"
"Not even Dad," Lorelai's fingers flexed against the familiar flannel fabric. "She's been doing this by herself."
"Man," Luke huffed slightly. They fell into silence again, just the rustle of their clothes as each flexed their fingers attempting to hold each other that little bit closer. Luke made a huffing noise again. "I'll take everyone back home. You guys should talk."
"Yeah," Lorelai finally let go of him and looked up at him hopefully, hoping that he would be able to give her the answer, that he would tell her it would be OK. "Luke."
"I know," he rubbed her arm. "Just talk. Just…I'll see you later." He kissed her on the cheek and gave her a smile that Lorelai knew meant he was trying to be brave, that he was trying to mask how upset he was by the news. "If you need me…"
"I will." She kissed him softly on the cheek and slowly backed away from him before she was forced to turn to navigate the counter. She stood still, watching the coffee machine drip while the door closed behind him and she was left alone in the gloom of the diner once more. Stiffly, she reached above her head and grabbed the nearest mugs from the shelves. Slowly she poured out the scorching dark liquid and set the pot back in its place. She didn't collect any sugar or milk, both she and Emily liked coffee black. Tonight the stronger the better. Balancing the large mugs, one in each hand she made her way back upstairs. Her legs still felt leaden and there was something building in her chest. Fear, was the most logical thought. Lorelai pushed open the glass windowed door and slipped back inside Luke's old apartment. Emily was stood staring out the window by the sink. She looked just like Emily Gilmore should. Upright, put together, perfect. But Lorelai could see in the way that Emily's arms were folded, could see how her mother was clinging to herself, just how far from perfect Emily was. "Mom, sit."
"What for Lorelai?" Emily's voice was thin, resigned.
"To talk," Lorelai purposefully made her way over to the bed and sat on the end, resting the mugs on her knees despite the fact that the bases were searing her skin with the transference of heat from the coffee through the ceramic. "We should talk about this."
"I don't want to talk about it," Emily continued to stare out the window.
"OK, well you can explain why you smacked Willow then," Lorelai kept her voice level.
Emily gasped and brought her hand up to cover her mouth in dismay. "Oh, Lorelai. I'm so sorry, I…I just snapped, she wouldn't behave and…"
"You had a Lorelai flashback and gave her a clip around the ears," Lorelai joked weakly.
"I never hit you!" Emily hissed and turned to look at her incredulously. "Never!"
"Ok, sorry I was…"
"I don't know why you think that. I never understood why you hated your childhood so much, we did nothing but love you."
"Mom," Lorelai squirmed uncomfortably. She bent over and set the coffee mugs on the floor, feeling the need to have her hands free so she could defend herself or hug herself. "I didn…"
"I never understood what I did that made you hate me. I understood you hated the Nannies but the way you used to …I…I could never comprehend what we did to deserve the behaviour you levelled towards us." Emily exhaled heavily, looking like a deflating balloon.
"I've told you why," Lorelai squirmed, uncomfortable with the way her mother was staring at her.
"You have never told me this, you have never explained to me what I did to deserve your hate," Emily shook her head vehemently. "Just told me I was controlling, but I only became controlling because you wouldn't behave and you acted out at everything I tried. All I ever tried…"
"You didn't see me and I was never good enough!" Lorelai interrupted sharply. "You were always too busy and Dad was always away and I wanted you to see me. Getting good grades didn't work. Other people got pony lessons or a frigging pony for good grades. I barely even got a response from you."
"We said well done. But you were so bright, you didn't even have to try," Emily frowned as if she couldn't understand the problem.
"That doesn't mean I didn't want you to tell me I was good," Lorelai sighed heavily. "I wanted you to tell me that you loved me, that you were proud of me and you never did." She stood and folded her arms, moving to the window in the bedroom area to stare out into the street. Luke was outside negotiating the street with the children. They all looked deflated and sad. She felt a glimmer of anger run through her chest. Luke had tried to something wonderful and it had all been ruined. "You know this. You've told me that you tell the twins and show the twins you love them because you've learned from your mistakes."
"I know I didn't show you enough affection but the fact that I didn't hug you enough did not warrant the way you acted," Emily snapped. "The tantrums I understood to a point, you were bored and frustrated but the wilful destruction, the lying. Suddenly I went from having this sweet child to this child I didn't even recognise and nothing I did…"
"Nothing you did. Mom you didn't do anything!" Lorelai turned and scowled at her. "You just got another nanny or threatened to send me away."
"We suggested a boarding school, once." Emily shook her head. "We thought the stability might be good for you, with your father away so much, it would give you the structure you needed. You sobbed for 3 whole hours so we dropped the subject. The only other time we sent you away was for camp and that was not sending you away that was to keep you entertained, you always wanted to go."
"Until I got there and realised that it was in nature again and I hated nature," Lorelai huffed immaturely. "I told you I hated it and you still kept sending me. Each time you told me it would be different and it never was."
"Well I couldn't control where the summer camps were. I tried to find one which was more craft based. You weren't good enough for theatre camp and I knew not to send you to sports camp. Sending children away for the summer was what was done." Emily clipped and turned slightly away. "All we ever did was try to do what was best for you and you just got further and further away from us. You just kept pushing."
"All I wanted was for you to tell me that you loved me and that you were proud of me; that you at least tried to understand what I liked but you never seemed to care," Lorelai countered. She chewed on the inside of her cheeks, her tears were threatening. This was not the time for this. Her mother's admission that she might be sick was not the time to rake each other over the long distant past. But at the same time, it was the perfect time. When else would there be, when else would they finally tear down the last wall between them. "I did everything I thought I was supposed to do to be good and that wasn't good enough. You didn't see me, you never saw me. So I was bad so you would see me. And then you'd just say, 'I can't deal with this now Lorelai' and go take a drink of something. I was never good enough for you. I could never make up for the fact that I wasn't the boy, that I wasn't the heir you and Dad wanted."
"Lorelai!"
Lorelai turned to look at her mother, Emily looked genuinely stunned. "That's what it was. You had me, this girl. I couldn't carry on the Gilmore name. I remember, I was four years old and I had gotten into that school and you'd taken me to get my uniform and I was so happy and excited because the dress was cute and we'd had cake in the department store and then Gran came and you just changed and I wasn't good enough. I wasn't the boy. I wasn't the heir. I heard what she said and you said nothing."
"Lorelai that wasn't about you," Emily's voice was high-pitched. Her eyes glassy with surprise.
"And you didn't want to take me for cake anymore and you started wanting me to be more. And I'd do it and I still wasn't good enough!" Lorelai continued, her voice raising with her emotion, each word tinged with tears. She jiggled her leg, uncomfortable as the words spilled out of her, "and then I broke that vase by accident and you spent a whole twenty minutes telling me off and it was the longest we had spent together for ages. And I realised that doing things that were bad was the only way I could get you to see me. I wanted my Mom and you didn't want me." She buried her face in her hands and started to sob. After a moment Emily placed her hand on her shoulder and Lorelai jumped in surprise. She swallowed down her tears and stared at her mother. Emily was staring at her with such fierceness, such adoration, such love, that she was at a complete loss of what to say.
"That wasn't about you. It was about me." Emily whispered quietly. "Yes, your father and I wanted a boy but in the sense that we wanted more children. You were our everything, for a time it was so perfect and then things stopped behaving the way they were supposed to, your brothers and sisters didn't turn up…or didn't stay…"
"You had miscarriages too?" Lorelai blinked back her tears.
"Only one," Emily whispered. "When you were four," she surreptitiously wiped her eyes. "I was very sick and we were advised not to try for any more," Emily coughed slightly. "We never wanted you to be the boy Lorelai. We just wanted the best for you. We loved you more than anything!"
"You never said it, you never told me."
"We didn't think we had to," Emily bleated, clenching her fists. "You were always so happy and affectionate, we thought you knew. And as for not seeing you, you were so independent you stopped wanting me to read to you when you were three because you could read to yourself. We thought it was important to let you do that to encourage your intelligence. We thought we were doing what was best for you. We didn't want to spoil you with pony rides. You never needed anything because we always got you what you needed and that was completely frivolous expense, especially as you had an appalling track record with animals. You were so bright and beautiful and happy…we didn't think we had to show you we loved you, we thought you knew."
"I wasn't bright about that. I didn't know everything," Lorelai griped, "I just wanted you to hug me sometimes. Tell me I was a good girl. Dad to bring his nose out of the paper and you to stop fussing over whatever it was that you were fussing over."
"I didn't realise, when you were small you never showed any inclination that you wanted more then we gave you," Emily bleated plaintively.
"Even then we couldn't talk," Lorelai quipped wiping her own eyes.
The two women stared at each other for a long silent minute. Lorelai wiped her face again and swallowed, her throat felt dry and claggy, like it was closing up. Something she had held deep within her for so long had been shared and now she wanted it back. And she was mad because what she thought had been true had been wrong. That what she had thought had been so wrong that she had ended up in a cycle with her mother that had hurt her, them, more than anything. Misunderstanding and loss had forced them down a path that had coloured everything about their lives.
"Yes," Emily broke the silence, "even then we couldn't talk." Emily straightened her shoulder, pulling herself back together. "So you acted out because you wanted our attention but that still doesn't explain the escalation in your behaviour. The lying and sneaking around."
Lorelai sniffed. She wiped her hand across her face, wiping away her tears. "I guess I started to actively seek things I knew you wouldn't like, like pop music and rock and I realised I loved it and I tried to make you love it and you just looked at me like I was insane and I just realised I didn't belong. I'd go to these concerts or to parties and I felt more at home in a room full of strangers then I did with you," Lorelai huffed in resignation. "I didn't fit in your world. I wasn't good enough. I liked the wrong things. I was never going to fit so I just decided to do what I liked. Trying to please you didn't work anyway."
"Is that…why you kept getting more adventurous in your behaviour as you moved into your teenage years?" Emily asked carefully.
"Oh come on Mom, you were never one to be polite about these things before," Lorelai gave her a pointed look. "Say what you mean. Is that why I was a little slut addicted to scandal?"
"Lorelai!" Emily exhaled sharply.
"I know what people said about me," Lorelai's shoulders sagged. "You know I didn't sleep with that many guys. The world had a very James T. Kirk view of me. I made out with a lot of boys but they were always my boyfriend but you know they only lasted like a few days or a couple of weeks. But I only ever slept with 3 of them, which I know now is a lot for how old I was." She sighed in disappointment. "The first time, I kind of felt like it was something I was supposed to do because, you know, 'everyone' was doing it."
"I don't need to hear about your sexual conquests," Emily pressed her lips together.
"They weren't sexual conquests Mom. Not to me. I thought they loved me." Lorelai looked at her hands sadly. "I thought that sex was love and all I wanted was to be loved. I guess I got love a bit with Chris and that was why that lasted and we kept coming back to each other but I was young and stupid. It wasn't until Luke that I ever actually felt that sex was worth it but that was only because of everything else that goes into us." She studied her wedding ring. The small symbol of her and Luke's connection acting as a glimmer of light in the dark conversation. "I didn't know what love was until I had Rory. I loved her from the moment I knew she existed but it wasn't until I held her that I realised that I had been so wrong about the guys. But by then the sky had fallen and there was no way to get it up again. I had fallen too far. I was too far gone to you. All I was, was this problem that had to be dealt with. And worst of all, you loved Rory and I just could not get my head around how you could love her and not love me." She sniffed ominously and then continued, her voice cracking "And I was so scared that you would try and take her away from me, that you would try and make her yours. And you kept forcing me and Christopher together and that was it…that was the moment I knew. I just had to go, because how could I protect the only thing pure and perfect in my life if I was there. And if I followed through with your plan I would lose me."
"So you left."
The two women stared at each other, holding each other's gaze. Lorelai took several calming breaths, pulling her composure back together while Emily stood stock still, clearly absorbing what Lorelai had just said.
"It nearly destroyed me you leaving," Emily broke the silence after a few heavy minutes.
"I know," Lorelai swallowed her voice cracking again. "Dad told me at that disaster Dinner with the Hayden's. You didn't get out of bed for a month."
Emily nodded curtly and then moved away to look out the window. "Surely that told you how much I loved you."
"I didn't know until then Mom, and we were still so broken. we could barely get through a dinner without arguing with each other," Lorelai reasoned. "I knew you guys were upset about me leaving, but I never knew how bad until later."
"Would that have changed anything?"
Lorelai moved so she could see Emily's face and sighed. "I don't know. I think maybe I would have let you come to the inn earlier or I would have accepted the invitation to the Christmas party. But I wouldn't have gone back to the house. I couldn't have done that. I needed to be away from that house. I had to be me and be there for Rory. I was so angry and hurt I didn't even want the money that Dad tried to give me…"
"Your father gave you money?" Emily looked at her in surprise. "When was this?"
"When you found me at the Independence Inn, or Chris caved and told or however it was you found out where I was. He turned up and he begged me to come back. And I yelled and screamed at him and he came back every day for a week, each time with a gift or offers of money or an actual envelope of money. Then the last day he came with a box of red vines and brand name soda. No money, just a care package of all the foods I loved that you hated. That was why I let you come see Rory."
"Because of candy and soda?" Emily stared at her incredulously.
"Because he saw me."
"You realise this sounds ridiculous?" Emily folded her hands, clasping her left wrist with her right hand.
"I know," Lorelai exhaled, "but it meant, everything. For the first time in forever I had freedom and I didn't have to worry about upsetting you or not being good enough because I was good enough. I was better than good. and this town, this crazy wonderful town took me in and gave me everything I needed." She turned to watch Emily. Her mother had staggered across to the bed and sank like a stone onto it. "Mom?"
"This, all this. The arguments. The distance. Everything is because you thought we didn't love you and you thought you weren't good enough."
"When you say it simply, it sounds so so dumb," Lorelai moved over and joined Emily to sit on the bed, "but it was so much more complicated than that. Each little nuance, each little facet of how we interacted it all went into this big mess."
"I don't know what to say."
"Neither do I, but I gave you your answer so now I need you to give me mine." Lorelai sniffed and slowly inched her hand towards Emily. "I need you to tell me what is going on, because saying you've found a lump is terrifying me."
Emily looked down at her hands, slowly she turned her left hand over, allowing Lorelai to take it with her own and squeeze it tight. "I had mammograms and there are characteristics that they can't determine what it is, until they carry out a biopsy."
"You have to have an operation?"
"Yes," Emily gave a shuddering breath. "The doctor is scheduling that."
"Ok," Lorelai nodded trying to absorb what she was being told. "I want to be there when you have it. And You have to tell Dad."
"I don't know how," Emily whispered. "He won't know…"
"Mom, he will bluster and look you with those big blue eyes and say the wrong thing and be a pain in the ass. But you have to tell him," Lorelai brushed the silent tears that were running down her cheeks away. "You have to tell him, tonight."
"Lorelai," Emily squirmed uncomfortably.
"Mom. Come on," Lorelai squeezed her hand. "You have to." Slowly she stood, keeping her grip firm on Emily's hand. She tugged Emily upright, pulling her towards the doorway to the office. "We'll do it together."
"Lorelai!"
"Nope!" Lorelai shook her head. "This is way too big to be upright stoic Emily Gilmore. This is too big to deal with by yourself. Come on." She tugged Emily's arm again. Together they made their way down the staircase and passed under the check curtain into the diner. Lorelai came to a halt and stared through the slatted blind on the door out onto the street. Richard was sat on the step, despite his large frame looking like a lost little boy. Lorelai swallowed and felt the love she had for her parents flame in her chest. She let go of Emily's hand and moved behind the counter across to the light switch. Richard looked around as the lights went on and got to his feet, trepidation written all over his face as he peered through the door with concern. Lorelai moved back to Emily who seemed to be frozen in place. Frozen just staring out the doorway at Richard. She squeezed Emily's shoulders. "It's OK Mom. We can do this together." She pressed a kiss to Emily's temple and then walked towards the door at a deliberate unhurried pace. Her father watched her nervously as she approached the door, his eyes darting between her and her mother behind her but he stayed still, stood on the step, just wringing his hands and peering nervously through the glass. Lorelai opened the door wide and held her hand out to him. "Come in Daddy." He blanched slightly at the use of the word 'daddy' his eyes widening in fear. Lorelai reached forward and took his hand, pulling him into the diner with the lightest of touches. "Come sit down. Mom needs you tell you something."
