Chapter 29
Snape painfully crawled out of bed and stood shaking. His head was pounding. It tasted as if a baby dragon had squatted on his face and crapped into his mouth. His stomach lurched. He stumbled into the bathroom and barely had time to bow before the porcelain altar before the full aftereffects of maintaining domestic peace and harmony gripped him. Reuben Grey's two flasks. It had seemed like such a perfectly reasonable idea at the time. He rinsed his mouth out at the sink and splashed cold water on his face. A glance at the mirror forced him to avert his eyes, eyes that were nearly as red as…what a disgusting image. He walked back into the bedroom. Deborah lay still, oblivious to his suffering, snoring softly.
He pulled on a bathrobe, a minor task which required considerable effort to accomplish. Afterward, he padded barefoot down the cold hall and on toward the potions lab. I can figure out some sort of potion to counteract this, he thought, steadying himself by running a hand along the wall as he walked. In the lab, he found Reuben lalready seated at one of the stations. Some odd sort of clear potion was boiling and spitting in a pyrex beaker without any visible form of heat having been applied. Reuben absently chanted an unfamiliar incantation in a sing-song fashion, "Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh, what a relief it is."
"What's that?"
"That is the day after potion. I'll fix you one. You look as if you could use some yourself." Reuben reached into a drawer and pulled a beaker from under the station, filled it with water, and after digging in his pocket he retrieved then tore open a small square paper packet. A flat white tablet plopped into the water and it began to boil of it's own accord. Snape repeated the incantation, which brought a sardonic smile to Reuben's face.
"What is the name of this potion?"
"Alka Seltzer. It tastes like the devil's own piss, but it works wonders on that which so cruelly afflicts us." Reuben took a swig of the day-after-Alka-Seltzer potion, grimaced, then drank the remainder quickly.
The beaker in front of him stopped boiling. Snape took a tiny cautious sip. "This tastes like a deadly poison. Are you sure it will work?"
"It works. Give it fifteen minutes or so to do the job. Trust me."
Snape gave Reuben a dark glare but repeated the incantation, then drank the miserable tasting liquid. After a few minutes, Snape's queasy stomach settled and the pounding headache subsided. He turned back toward Reuben. "How do you make this?"
Reuben scratched his head then shook it. "You don't make it. It's a muggle concoction. You buy it at any of their drugstores. I have a case of it in the back if you should ever need it again. By the way, you don't need an incantation for it to work. That was the advertising jingle."
Despite being irked at thinking that Reuben had purposefully tricked him into singing the television commercial, Snape appeared to be impressed. "I never suspected that muggles would produce anything this useful. If they would only adjust the flavoring…"
"I think that they know if you need it the flavor isn't going to be a deal breaker." Reuben yawned. "I'm going back to bed. Later on today, I'll show you how to apply the Lorica Maxima counter curse to yourself. Right now, I'm not in any condition to do it."
"Nor am I." Snape pushed his limp sweaty hair back from his face. "When we do that, let's do it somewhere else, perhaps in the backyard. I would prefer to not fall into horse shit nor be compelled to maintain domestic peace and harmony again."
"No argument here." The two rose stiffly and shuffled off to their respective rooms. Snape tossed his bathrobe onto the floor then fell into bed. Aside from the lingering slight sensation that the room was spinning around him, the potion had healed him effectively. Deborah continued to snore softly, undisturbed by his flopping movements. He rolled his body into a ball and pulled the covers over his head to shield his eyes from the hideously bright sunlight streaming through the windows. Before long he drifted off into curiously vivid dreams of Avada Kedavra and dead rats, and of flasks of scotch and cigarettes.
Snape and Reuben carried a cage of rats into the yard. "No basket this time?" Snape asked.
"We don't need it. We have two basilisks." Mickey and Dorothy waited eagerly, their eyes trained upon the rats.
Reuben lifted a rat from the cage and plopped it onto the lawn. It sniffed around and stood on it's hind legs. Snape applied the charm. "Should we hold them back?" he asked, jerking his head toward the basilisks?
"No need. They can't be killed with Avada Kedavra. All it does is sting them a little and they need to learn not to kill unless they're told to, anyway." At a gesture from Reuben, Snape pulled out his wand and charmed the rat. The charm held when Reuben worked the curse. "Dorothy-kill!" Reuben pointed at the rat. The basilisk gleefully leaped forward and grabbed the rat by the head then shook it, similar to the manner in which Snape had seen terriers kill rats. Mickey began to inch toward the feeding female, but stopped at Reuben's sharp command to stay. Dorothy sniffed the dead rat, located the head, then lifted the rat, swallowing it in three gulps. Mickey chittered angrily. "Sucks to be you," Reuben commented dryly. "Wait for your turn."
The rest of the rats met with identical fates, the small serpents alternately dispatching them once they survived the curse. When all of the rats were dead and eaten, Mickey slithered to Snape, doing a twisting dance before him with an ingratiating expression on his face. "Greedy little bastard," Reuben commented. "You've had enough! Leave!" Reuben pointed to a tree and the basilisks slinked away reluctantly then coiled beneath in the shade. He turned to Snape. "Now, I'll show you how you work the charm on yourself."
Reuben pocketed his wand into his sleeve. He concentrated for a few seconds, placed his hand on his chest, then spoke the incantation. Snape thought he saw a brief disturbance in the air around the vampire; as if for a split second a wave of heat had disturbed the air for an inch or so around him. "OK, Snape," he spoke, moving a few feet away and out of the line of fire of the house. "Try cursing me."
Snape hesitated. Reuben grinned. "Go on, it's fine-really. I don't have a death wish." Snape pulled out his wand. "Avada Kedavra!"
A green flash crackled and struck the vampire. The nimbus formed and held. But then, Reuben's expressions contorted and he clawed dramatically at his chest. Frank horror appeared on Snape's face. "Gotcha!" the vampire laughed. Snape's coloring went from pale to flushed and his expression transformed to one of murderous rage, which made Reuben laugh even more loudly. "Where's Deborah with her damned camera when you need her?" he snickered. The green crawling worms of light appeared then blinked out.
"That was not the least bit amusing."
"I, for one, found it highly entertaining."
"I don't see that it's anything to joke about. I had no desire to kill you…then."
Reuben laughed again. "You'll have to wait a while for that. Around six hours. Come on, Snape, grow a sense of humor, and if you can't do that, at least fake one. Go ahead, try to place the charm on yourself."
Snape repeated the actions he had seen Reuben perform a moment earlier. "Think you have it?" Reuben asked.
Snape hesitated again. He had felt something when he applied the charm, an instant of strange vibration. "I don't know. How can you tell?"
"If it's properly applied, you will feel as if you're shivering, but only for a very short while. I'm not going to hit you with Avada Kedavra at any rate. I'm going to use another curse; it's a nasty one but it can't kill you. It blocks the same way and if you've worked the charm right it won't affect you and it will tell us if it would have held for Avada Kedavra. And if you're not comfortable trying it out yet we have plenty of rats and we can keep on practicing until you feel ready."
Snape gave a small soft sigh. "I'm ready. Give it a shot."
"Sure?"
Snape nodded, feeling apprehensive but willing himself to test the charm. Reuben stood back and pulled his wand. Snape winced slightly. Reuben shouted "Foede!" as he snapped his wand.
Blue-green energy snaked onto Snape. He felt a sensation of heat for a few seconds. A bluish nimbus formed and held, then wormlike strands of the same color began forming-it felt as if they were crawling over his body. Then the glowing bits winked out. He exhaled deeply, suddenly realizing that he had been holding his breath.
"Worked perfectly. You're protected against that particular killing curse for the next several hours."
"What was that curse you used to test me?"
Reuben snickered. "Oh, that curse. That's a kid's curse. The bane of schoolyards across wizarding America."
"Yes, but what does it do?"
"It makes you soil yourself in an unnaturally violent manner. Now, aren't you glad that you managed to do the charm correctly?" The murderous look reappeared on Snape's face. "What, would you rather have chanced being killed?
"Yes!" And at that, Reuben fell to the ground laughing. Snape turned abruptly and stormed into the house.
Deborah was putting a meal on the table when he stormed in and announced "Reuben is an imbecile and a fool!"
"Now tell me something I didn't know." She set a platter of sausages and a bowl of scrambled eggs down. Snape stood glowering. "What?"
"Do you know that your friend out there cast the Foede curse on me?"
"He did? Then you're a quick study. It usually takes several days to learn how to make that charm hold." She carried bread to the table and went back for butter.
"Do you know what that curse could have done?"
"Of course I do. It's one of the first curses he taught me."
"But…he cast it at me!"
"That's how you learn if you can block Avada Kedavra. Now you know that you can do it and you've picked up a useful new curse to boot."
Reuben entered the room. "Ooh, eggs and sausage!" He slid into a chair and began piling his plate. He looked up at Snape. "Well, are you going to stand there and watch us eat or are you going to join us?"
In the end, the eggs and sausages did look appetizing, and Snape was quite hungry. All the same, he continued to glare at his dining companions and they politely repressed the urge to laugh at him.
He couldn't bear another moment of the combined antics of Reuben and Deborah. Yes, he did enjoy their company, and yes, he did possess a sense of humor, despite their nearly constant claims to the contrary. But when they were together they inevitably crossed the line that separates humor from buffoonery. He needed a break to clear his head and relax.
The need led him to his favorite place of solace, the barn. Here he could be with animals, and although he had never owned a pet and had never received much exposure to domestic animals aside from the utilitarian owls he used for delivering messages, he felt at ease with them. The Appaloosa mare was still penned in the far pasture with Papoose. Both Deborah and Reuben had suggested that he use Oracle, a grade mare. He took the black hat from a peg, placed it on his head, and left the tack room and walked into the stall area.
Oracle proved to be an agreeable but sleepy chestnut mare. She responded slightly to his scratching and rubbing, but struck him as indifferent. He wandered down the row of stalls, observing the rest of the horses.
A tall sleek black horse caught his eye. He glanced up at the nameplate above it's stall. Destiny. A quick once over told him that the horse was a mare. He stood in front of the gate to her stall. She snorted at him, then stretched out her neck toward him, her nostrils flared. He observed her more closely. Long slim neck, dished face, slick coat. Her body was lean but powerful. He went to a barrel of withered apples and selected a few. As he turned back he saw her ears prick forward.
Snape held an apple out. She snorted then whickered and stepped closer. He waited patiently. A small step at a time, she approached. At last, he felt the velvet of her lips and she carefully plucked the apple from his palm. One by one she accepted his gifts. When there were no more, she reached her long neck over the barrier and sniffed him, then rubbed her face on his chest.
He opened the gate and stepped into the stall, moving slowly so not to alarm her. His hands dropped to his sides. The mare stepped back. Snape waited. Finally she nickered, stepped forward, and dropped her head to rest against his chest.
He began stroking the mare, slowly and gently, enchanted by the silky smoothness under his hand. She rubbed against him. He scratched her back, smiling as she leaned against him. Keeping his hands moving on her body he stepped behind her then around to the other side. She bobbed her head but made no move to get away. He went to her head, took her halter, then opened the gate and led her to the ties, where the tack was stored.
Reuben and Deborah were sitting on the porch, drinking iced tea and chatting. "Hey, Deb, don't have a fit, but look up on the ridge." She glanced upward, then stood and walked to the railing. Shading her eyes with her hand, she watched as the black mare cantered across the crest of the hill.
The mare moved effortlessly under him. She responded to the lightest shift of his weight and touch of the reins. His expression relaxed into one that would have shocked his students, one of peace and contentment. The gentle rocking motion was soothing, delightful. He headed the mare down the path to the sandy beach at a jog.
He pulled the mare up at the water's edge. Silently he watched the play of light on the waves. The mare beneath him pawed the sand with her delicate looking hoof . With a lift of the reins she broke into a trot. Another lift of the reins brought her to a canter. Then he leaned forward and asked for speed. The mare broke into a full gallop and they raced along the surf.
The sounds of people shouting broke his reverie. He could see a beach ahead, a muggle beach. He reined the mare in, turned her, and headed back at a leisurely canter. Twenty minutes later, they encountered another muggle beach. He turned back. When he came to the path he headed into the trees, pulling the mare down into a smooth walk. They followed the trails for miles, and Snape's thoughts drifted. A couple of hours later, he pulled up to the porch, where Reuben and Deborah were playing two handed euchre, a game which they both cheated at shamelessly, as they did with every game.
"Have a good ride?" Reuben was the first to acknowledge his presence. Snape nodded.
"She's not a bad mare. Good looking animal." Deborah dealt a hand, some from the top of the deck, some not. "You can't fault her conformation."
"Not bad at all. All of the spirit you want but not crazy." Reuben turned back to the table then picked up his cards and arranged them.
"Plenty of speed when you ask her for it." Deborah arranged her hand with a foxy smile. "Smooth gaits too."
Snape nodded again, then turned the horse to the barn. He felt a slight pang of disappointment as he brushed down the mare then led her to her stall. The sounds of Deborah's gloats of victory and Reuben's protests of cheating rang from the house. Why was no one willing to bitch at him when he was spoiling for a good argument?
