Carlisle found a house within hours. It was a few miles away from the campus but it was the closest they could get. Carlisle also informed Jeremy what was going on so of course I heard from my mother.
"I'm so sorry honey." She said sympathetically. "I wish there was something I could do."
"Well, there isn't so…"
"Carlisle told Jeremy that two of the other wolves were moving in with you. I have to tell you I'm glad now that we sent Max out there with you when we did. At least we know he'll protect you as well as Jacob would have."
They still didn't know that Max was utterly in love with me; they'd be saying differently if they knew that.
"Look, I don't want to talk about this. How's Dad doing?"
"He's worried about you. We all are."
"Well don't be. Just because Jake's gone doesn't mean people don't have my back."
"That's not what we're worried about honey…"
"I have to go." I said.
My parents were only the first to air their concerns of my mental stability. In fact I began purposely avoiding any human contact just to steer clear of the look in their eyes; the pity, the concern. I especially stayed away from Edward because he knew everything I was going through and I didn't want to share this pain. It was the only emotion I had left of Jacob.
I can only describe my life from then on as being in a state of numbness; throbbing numbness. When I started going back to classes I couldn't avoid Edward anymore. He and Bella were enrolled in every class that I was. We acted like we didn't know one another at first. Not that I was a social butterfly in the first place, but they were the only ones I ever spoke with and it was on a rare occasion. I could tell they were worried about me too but I warned Edward, mentally, to leave it alone; leave me alone.
Nights were the worst. Even with Jacob's occasional phone calls and letters, I was tortured by his presence in all of my dreams. Some were good dreams, some my worst nightmares. The recurring theme was the constant presence of a vampire, always waiting in the wings to sweep Jacob away from me in one way or another.
"I have to go." I cherished the short phone conversations I got to have with Jacob, which only ever lasted a few minutes. "They're expecting me back."
"OK." I tried fighting back the tears but failed again.
"I love you Katie." He'd stopped trying to comfort me long ago. There was no comfort in saying goodbye to him.
"I love you." My voice shook.
It was late. I always told Jacob to call me whenever he could and I would pick up, no matter where I was. I rolled over in my bed and cried quietly as possible even though I knew anyone who was awake in this house could hear me anyway.
"Katie?" Max stood at my doorway.
"What?" I said thickly.
"Are you OK?"
"No."
"Can I do anything?"
"No."
I felt the bed sink next to me. Max rubbed his hand over my shoulder blades. If anything, Max was a good friend. He couldn't stand to see me in pain and even though he knew he wouldn't help, he'd try to ease it. I was glad to have him then.
"I want portraits next week. Find someone, anyone; a family member or boyfriend or girlfriend or complete stranger. I want seven shots of this person."
This was my Photography 2 class. My chest ached when he mentioned "boyfriend." I wished for Jacob to be back once again, just like any other time I thought of him. When the class was dismissed I felt Edward at my side. I saw that he was alone when I looked over at him.
"Where's Bella?" I asked him, the humans were still around so I couldn't speak to him mentally.
"I asked her to give us a few moments alone. She'll meet us at our next class."
"Why?" I already knew the answer.
"It's been nearly four months… I thought you'd be doing better by now."
There was no "better" without Jacob. There was nothing without him.
"He calls. He writes. At least you have that."
"It's not enough. It's like poking at the open wound. Every word he writes, every word he says… it's just not enough. I'd almost rather he not talk to me at all but then I'm afraid I'll forget him and I don't want that either."
"He's hurting as much as you are."
"How can you know that?"
He seemed reluctant to answer at first. "When I first met Bella she was a human. Our love was dangerous for her. Her life was threatened every moment she was with me... I thought it would be best if I left her and let her live out her life without posing that threat.
I know what Jacob is going through; having to leave the one and only thing he's ever truly loved to protect it. It's just as hard for him to leave as it is for you to be left. And here you are, giving me insight into what I did to Bella when I left her. She never would let me see that part of her life."
"She doesn't want to hurt you more." I said. "I wouldn't want to either."
"Well, when I left her, I left her with nothing. I took every piece of myself from her life, every picture, every gift. I made sure she couldn't find it in hopes that she would forget about me and move on."
"But she didn't."
"That's where the story gets complicated. We did end up together again in the end; like we were always meant to be."
"Is this supposed to make me feel better?"
"I hoped it might, but I can see it hasn't. Just be grateful you have what you have."
"I just want it to end Edward. I want this all to go away; I want him back."
"Be patient."
I walked away from him then. I didn't need to hear another person telling me that "everything is going to be alright," that "it would all work out." Those words were old and meaningless to me now. Though I couldn't help but hope that it would all be alright and work out.
Jacob called less and less as the months passed. He did call on my birthday and I got an authentic Italian painting in the mail from him to hang up in my room. It was a sunset over Volterra, the place he was living now. I tried to imagine him there among the stone buildings but it only made me feel farther away from him. I missed him so much every day.
"We're going out." Max came into my bedroom, bringing excitement with him.
"What?"
"For your birthday, we're going out."
"No thanks." I shook my head and turned back to my books.
"Katie, you're 21… you have to go out and have your first legal drink! C'mon."
"I've experienced alcohol; it's not something I'm into."
"You've experienced a roofie and that's nothing like getting drunk the right way."
"There's a right way?"
"By drinking yourself into oblivion, not taking a pill and getting dragged around campus." His face darkened slightly. Good thing he had no idea who did that. "You really have to do this. It's a right of passage. C'mon. I have everyone waiting."
"Everyone?"
"Well Logan turned 21 too y'know."
"So you me and Logan are going to have drinks?"
"And Leah and Seth."
"Does Edward know about this?"
"Obviously." He said. "And no, he doesn't approve."
"I don't know, Max… I don't really feel like celebrating."
"When will you?" He asked.
When Jacob comes back.
"That's what I thought." He said when I said nothing. "Get dressed. We're going to a club."
I already didn't like it. The thought of being surrounded by smelly humans made my stomach turn. And even worse, they'd be sweaty and covered in various lotions and colognes to cover up their BO.
Logan seemed excited; as did Seth and Leah. Max was beside himself. I just couldn't get into it.
Max went as far out as to get us a driver for the night. A Cullen of course; Emmett. I had no doubt that he only agreed so he could see us all in our glorious, drunken wonder. He would have a night full of laughs hanging out with us. Maybe I was more into this than I thought.
The first stop was a club in Port Angeles. The line outside was long but we got right in. I thought I saw Emmett slip the bouncer some cash. It was loud and smelled bad, real bad. I followed Max around like a lost puppy. He ordered my first drink for me and seemed pleased by that.
"The smell's not so bad once you start drinking." He said into my ear.
I downed it and ordered another one. Jeremy was right about alcohol not having the same effects on a werewolf. I watched other girls get bombed off of three drinks and here I was on my seventh, not feeling a thing.
"They were probably pre-gaming." Max said when I mentioned it.
"What?"
"They drink before they come to the bar so they don't have to spend as much money to get shit faced." He said. "It makes sense."
"Yeah, I guess. So why didn't we do it?"
"Money isn't an issue for us tonight." He said and ordered another round.
We went to a bar next and ordered five pitchers of beer. It was all gone in twenty minutes. When was this going to get fun? Another bar, another club and a trip to the liquor store for some Jaeger and I began to lose my balance when I was walking.
"So it begins." Max said. "Katie, you're in for the night of your life."
I kept drinking and drinking and drinking. I danced a little, tripped a few times, started laughing at the most random, stupid jokes anyone made. It wasn't at all like the last time I drank. I was actually enjoying myself, which surprised me the most. It was fun. I took one more shot before Max dragged me onto the dance floor. The humans around us were bumping into us, drenching us in their nasty sweat but I was at the point that I didn't care. The smell wasn't so bad now either. Max pulled me close to him as we danced to the music. I wasn't much of a dancer but with my inhibitions out the window, it didn't matter. Max, on the other hand, made us look good. I put my arms around his neck and moved with him as best I could. Hours must have passed; Max periodically went back to the bar for more alcohol. I definitely can't say I hated it; being in this induced state made it almost bearable not to be with Jacob. I wished I could stay that way.
"Katie?"
I wasn't ready to get up. My eyes refused to open. When I tried to move it didn't really work out. A pain grew in my neck, forcing me into alertness. Then my head started pounding. This wasn't going to be a good morning.
When I opened my eyes I became aware of my surroundings. I wasn't inside the house at all; in fact I was on the backseat of the car from last night.
"Ugh."
"Drink this." Edward handed me a bottle.
"Gatorade?" I said after sipping.
"You're dehydrated." He said. "Go get dressed, we have class in an hour."
I'm not going to class.
"We have a paper due today."
"I can barely see straight." Do you honestly think I could function in a classroom?
"I'm not covering for you." He said.
"So don't. I can miss one class. It's not going to kill my average."
"Famous last words." He said and left.
I rolled over and went back to sleep.
It was only the first of many classes I skipped. This new found ability to drown my sorrows overtook my life. Most nights I couldn't sleep without a buzz and the weekends were spent in a haze. I couldn't hide it and I didn't try. Some nights I'd drink with Max and others I'd hole up in my room and drink by myself in front of my computer or over a book. I wouldn't say it was turning into a habit but it certainly made things a lot easier for me to deal with.
"How could you fail two classes?" My mother scolded me when the semester ended.
"I don't know." I said shamefully. "It got away from me I guess. I just couldn't keep up."
"We're not paying for this so you can fuck around." She said. "Focus on your schoolwork. This is so important."
"I know. I'm sorry."
"If you keep this up we're going to have to bring you back home."
"What? Mom, that's-."
"Don't even start with me, Katherine. No more failed classes."
"OK." I said meekly.
"I know it's been hard with Jacob leaving but this will give you a chance to focus on yourself and what you need to do."
That hurt.
"How are you holing up in that department?" She asked.
"Great." I lied. "Everything's great. I talk to him all the time."
Truth was I hadn't talked to him for over a week now. His calls were getting to be few and far between.
"Give him our best when you talk to him again."
"I will." I said.
I wanted to cry. Telling my parents was hard enough; now I had to tell Jacob. Maybe I'd spare myself. He was halfway across the world. How would he ever even know? I felt like I'd be lying to him and that was worse than disappointing him. The next time he called I would buck up the courage to tell him I'm a failure.
"Oh, Katie." I felt worse than I thought I would. "This is my fault."
"No." I said into the phone. "It's definitely not your fault. I just haven't been focusing on my work like you told me to."
"I wish I never left; you wouldn't be having this problem." He said.
That was for sure but I didn't blame him at all. We both had things that needed to be done.
"I'm going to be traveling." He said, my heart fluttered hoping that he'd be traveling in my direction. "We're going to Russia or something."
Disappointment.
"What for?" I asked.
"They don't really tell me anything. I just do what they ask."
"What do they ask?" I hadn't asked him this question before; it felt like I shouldn't.
"Well, I do perimeter checks to make sure there aren't any vampires coming that they aren't expecting. I've had to run a couple of them off but mostly I just stay a wolf and sit in their chamber all day."
"Do they let you sleep?"
"I sleep as a wolf. They want me at their side always."
"So where are they now?" I asked.
"Jane is back, so I get a bit of a break I guess."
"Where does she go all the time?"
"I don't know." He said then quickly changed the subject. "So are you going to start partying it up now that the semester is over?"
I laughed. "I don't think so."
"C'mon. I've seen what Leah sees. She shows me everything she sees you do." I'd have to remember that. "You've been drinking."
A lot more than you think. "I drink a little. It relaxes me."
"Yeah." He said lightly. "I can't wait till I get back we can get cocked together and just do things to each other all night."
I laughed. "Is that what you miss?"
"I miss everything." He said, voice turning sad. "It's really hard being without you."
"Yeah, I know. I haven't slept through the night since you've been gone. It just doesn't feel right not having you here." I said tearing up. I couldn't talk about this, it was too painful.
"I have to go."
That was even more painful.
"OK."
"I love you Katie."
"I love you too." I said quickly, as if that would make it less painful. It didn't.
"I'll call as soon as I can."
"OK." I said.
It still sucked hanging up that phone. Who knows when I would talk to him again? I didn't even want to think about when I would see him; it was already too long.
"Katie?" Max stood at my doorway once again.
"What's up, Max?"
"Will you come out with me tonight?" He asked.
I didn't need to think twice. I grabbed my ID and headed for the car. Edward was always keeping tabs on my anyway, so I didn't bother telling anyone we were leaving. I was with my "bodyguard" anyway.
"How's Jake?" He asked.
"Fine." I said looking into my hands.
"I know you get really down whenever you're through talking to him so I figured I'd try to make your night better."
I could appreciate that. "Thanks." I said quietly.
"There's this new place that opened up I've been wanting to go to but I never have anyone willing to come with me."
"Another club?"
"Yeah." He nodded, looking at the road. "It's different though. It's not the same kind of scene as the place I brought you before. You might actually like it here."
"I guess we'll see." I said.
I certainly was different. The walls were draped with black velvet fabric, sconces of fake candles dotted every few feet, if felt like I was in the Addams' family house. The club-goers were also quite different. I think gothic describes them best. The music was a darker sort of techno, rather than the dance-y pop at regular clubs. I wasn't there for the music. The bar was full but I squeezed through and ordered the first round for Max and I. Since it took so much more for us to get drunk, I took to getting the more potent alcohol. It took half as many to get hammered which was still twice as many as a human. I think I had the bartender wondering where I was putting it all. Of course with all inhibitions out the window I danced with Max again. The music, the people, the atmosphere, it all swirled around me and mixed with the alcohol I just wasn't my usual self. Max didn't defuse the situation at all. He danced closer, put his hands on my hips, breathed down my neck; all the things that turned a girl on and I responded to it. In all the months that Jacob was gone my body was screaming for this kind of attention; and even though in my mind I wanted it to be from Jacob, with the cloud of alcohol my body was ready for it now, whoever was willing.
R/R Please!
