Skyskater's Daily Note: I wrote this chapter, and then it told me I had to log in to save it. ARGH!
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Daily Advice: Read manga...the anime usually isn't as good.
November 20
Thursday
Urahara's Shop: My Temporary Home
Hitsugaya (are you happy now En-en-chan or whatever your penname is? I do listen to suggestions! So everybody should NOT be calling me a stubborn, obstinate pig!)
Right. So...after the whole one-sided relationship gigs with Ulquiorra, Orihime, and Uryuu, it has finally come out: Ulquiorra is pregnant. With Orihime's children. How? I have no fucking idea. But he is. And he is not liking it. One bit.
You would think that since he was a graduate student majoring in female anatomy in his past life that he would be well aware of what the symptoms of pregnancy were. But I suppose after being turned into a Hollow because you're all depressed because you don't know whether you're gay or straight and your best friend has just left you because you are confused about your sexual orientation and might as well just go and rape them on the couch, and then being beamed down into Hueco Mundo where it's always night so the sun can never come up so there are no chickens so there are no eggs to eat scrambled for breakfast, and then having half of your face/mask thingy ripped off so that you feel naked and exposed without it, that you'd pretty much forget everything you learned when you were still alive. Yes. That sentence is a run on sentence, but if you go back and read it very slowly, I'm sure you'll understand. You know. 4G brains and all can't exactly comprehend sentences that are more than fifteen words.
He was throwing up, had stopped calling everything 'Trash', had decided to go on a major shopping spree to buy several hundred thousand dollars worth of Hello Kitty merchandise, and then, to top it all off, he actually started eating, and enjoying, Orihime's weird combinations of food. Of course, he brought that to school, because she brought him with her, and let's just say that nobody really ate pickles after the whole pickles and ice cream with ham incident.
And then he started growing exponentially. I mean...like, he wasn't exactly the anorexic little guy he'd used to be, but...let's just say that he was popping in and out of clothes on a weekly basis. It was...frightening. Then the store clerks started rolling down their metal top windows whenever he came by, walking down the street to buy yet another new pair of clothes (because he usually ended up killing the person who charged him) and...that was not a pleasant experience. Ulquiorra Schiffer has taken to walking around naked.
And I don't care whether he's hot in that one picture of him where his outfit is all ripped and everything! HE'S FAT, FOR GODS' SAKE! How is that hot?! And don't you Ulquiorra fangirls start. Because I am not going to listen to a single word you say. This is me ignoring you: LA LALA LA LALA ALALALALALALALALALA...
Okay. I have recently come to the conclusion that Karakura Town must be, like, a fertility clinic set up by Aizen and we just don't know it yet. Because it seems as though everybody is getting pregnant! Even the ones who can't are getting pregnant! It's a wonder that Matsumoto hasn't gotten pregnant yet...well, then again, if she did, I would have kicked her out of my squad so fast you couldn't even say 'Chocolate covered cherries.'
As if things couldn't get bad enough, Szayel reincarnated himself from the dead and has recently decided to beam himself up to Karakura Town to be Ulquiorra's pregnancy counselor and advisor or whatever the hell he has taken to calling himself. I just know what he's thinking...He's probably gonna inject poor Ulquiorra with some drugs that attach to the baby with a webcam so that he can see what goes on inside male bodies during pregnancy. Even though this has not been done before, I am sure that Szayel doesn't care. He'll just do whatever, you know? Hell, if you gave him enough time, he could probably cure AIDs. Except his methods of finding the cure wouldn't exactly be...traditional. And he'd probably sacrifice a few innocent people along the way. Then impregnate them using himself and eating his way out of them.
Alright. Anyway. What was I talking about?
Oh yeah. So Ulquiorra's pregnant. At least this one looks...fairly normal for a pregnancy (minus the whole fact that he's a guy and whatnot), and is progressing like Rukia's. I really hope that he doesn't decide to go and have deciplets or whatever. I hope that he has a stillborn. Because, first of all, males were never created to have children. Where is his kid gonna come out? His dick? I don't think so...if it did, Ulquiorra would probably have to get a...prosthetic penis or something. Because they'd have to amputate his old one because it wouldn't be usable anymore for any purposes. And then, second, I do not want my home, no matter how temporary, being ravaged by a bunch of disgraceful, disrespectful kids that have no regard for their elders! Not that I mean me. Because I'm quite young, you know. I just turned fifty last December.
Right. But I am definitely not looking forward to having to deal with TWO pregnant people at the same time. It seems as if whenever one gives birth, there's automatically a new pregnant person in the town to replace the old one. I don't understand it at all. And to top that all off, people always come to me to share their problems! I am NOT a counselor and I sure as hell don't want to have to deal with your problems! I'm failing math already as it is! I can't be bothered with your babies that should not exist! (Ulquiorra should get an abortion. It was rape, after all. Oh wait. I forgot. He's already been rejected by the abortionist or whatever they call those people who do abortions and hand out free condoms.)
Actually, they did that at the Beijing Olympics so none of the athletes would get pregnant after they got kicked out of the Olympics...they handed out brochures with free condoms inside and athletes were encouraged to take as many as they needed....
I still stand by my old rule. If you are going to have sex/be raped, please use three condoms. Just in case one breaks. And take a birth control pill. Of course, I don't blame Ulquiorra for any of this, because how did the poor guy know he was gonna get raped and then become pregnant? He didn't. It was all Orihime's fault.
You know, sometimes I really wish that my life could be normal....
I followed a suggestion given by En-En-Chan in England for the reformatting of my chapters. Hope you guys are happy! It's not all that different, just the date and stuff at the top and the slash in the location replaced by a colon....
ALSO, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, ME AND SHIRO-CHAN WILL MAKE SZAYEL INJECT YOU WITH A DRUG THAT ATTACHES ITSELF TO YOUR (NON)EXISTENT BABY WITH A WEBCAM SO HE CAN SEE WHAT GOES ON INSIDE YOUR BODY WHILE YOU ARE (NOT) PREGNANT!
Lol. Bye.
Skyskater
And Shiro-chan
