I don't own SnK or that certain phrase from the last part of this chapter (it's from the movie, The Vow)
"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you."
–A.A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh
~Chapter Twenty-Nine: The Warmth of Your Love~
Levi ran.
He ran to the fucking stairs when he was sure that he was out of Hanji's sight. He wouldn't let her see how desperate he was, even though it must have been already pretty obvious when they had that talk earlier. Yeah, he definitely wanted to get to Eren on time—he didn't want to see an empty apartment if he were to open his door with the key that the brunet had entrusted upon him. He was thankful that in his hazy and confused state of mind hours ago, he didn't give Eren back his key. Exchanging one of the most mundane yet important things that they possessed was another sign of their trust on each other. Levi just hoped that he didn't completely mess up.
He arrived in front of the familiar door wheezing—two weeks of secluding himself in that hole of a big house of his was sure a bad idea, mentally and physically—and he didn't waste time to raise his fist to knock. His hand stopped midair though, remembering that Eren might not want to see him or worse, maybe he was already on the way to the airport.
It was ridiculous. Levi couldn't fathom how could Eren possibly disappear in a matter of a short time and it got the raven's heart beating painfully against his chest. What if Eren was really not in this room anymore? What if Levi arrived at a scene of a most harsh breakup, with everything cleaned out and with no trace of his beloved artist? What would he do if he had already lost Eren?
He pulled the key from the pocket of his jeans, thankful that he didn't forget to bring it in the midst of the chaos in his mind after he had heard the news about Eren. Who wouldn't go crazy if you were to find out that the only one that you'd ever loved was leaving you behind and might never come back? It frightened Levi. He was scared that one of his nightmares would come true. And it would be his entire fault.
It was him who pushed Eren away, thinking that some distance between them would make everything better—that they wouldn't be able to hurt each other because of this terrible fate that entangled their lives together. But it was wrong. It felt wrong. Levi hadn't felt as hurt as he was now, without Eren on his side, and he knew that he made the terrible choice when Hanji told him about the flash drive. He told Eren that the past would do nothing but remind them that they weren't supposed to be together in the first place, but Eren called that bullshit. He threw away the only evidence that could potentially lead Rod Reiss to his final downfall, and it was all for the hope that he would be able to start anew again. And Levi knew that Eren was thinking about doing that with him.
Levi didn't know what Eren had done, and now he was regretting every bit of what he had said to him. He filled the brunet with lies and he realized that he didn't have a right to be angry with Eren when he did the same thing to him. They were protecting each other, even if it was the wrong method. The past might be scary and painful but as long as they had each other, they could move forward and treat this incident as a proof that they fought. They fought and won.
But the winning part wouldn't be evident if Levi were to back out now.
He inserted the key into the knob and opened the door without hesitation. What greeted him made him freeze on his track.
There was no light inside, no lamps that were turned on and forgotten, no laptops that shed light to the room with an essay waiting to be finished, no iPod that was playing their favorite music—it was like… a stranger's living room. Levi didn't want to go in any farther but he had to, if he wanted to see Eren. His stomach lurched at the thought that he was already too late, that maybe coming here was a mistake and that he should've been at the airport. He swiftly walked towards the bedroom and his heart throbbed as he pressed his clammy hand around the knob of the door. When he pushed it open, he prayed that he would be able to see that silly smile on that lean brunet again, and those ocean green eyes that he loved so much.
What he didn't expect was for that person to be haphazardly lying on the bed with… streaks of tears on the sides of his face, and his blanket strewn across his body, barely covering his one leg that was naked for Levi to see. The raven wanted to curse the young man for being so fucking oblivious because how could he still be sleeping when someone had already broke into his fucking apartment?! But the relief and the happiness were spreading to his chest fast and before he knew it, the tears from his eyes just came out and rolled down his cheeks. He slumped on the floor, arms were propped on his legs as he continued to gaze on the sleeping brunet, afraid that the scene would pop like a bubble and disappear.
He didn't know for long had he been there, on the ground and crying like a child, but he was a bit caught off-guard when he heard the rustling of the blankets and he knew that Eren was stirring awake. What was he doing anyway? Shouldn't he be waking Eren up and not staring at him like a complete stalker who managed to invade his private room? Wait, would that even count as stalking if they were lovers—ex-lovers? Probably. Mulling over those questions wouldn't really help him though, because Eren was slowly opening his eyes and groaning. I don't remember him being a light-sleeper…
Those ocean green eyes that Levi had been anticipating to see every single second were revealing themselves to them and the raven almost forgot to breath. He figured that Eren was registering what was going on around him because it took him a solid fifteen seconds of looking at Levi with a drowsy expression before he snapped out of it. The brunet immediately sat up and Levi worried that he would drop headfirst to the ground by how he swayed side-to-side. Idiot…
"Le-Levi?!" Eren exclaimed, eyes were comically wide as saucers and Levi almost snorted. Eren Jaeger would always give him the most interesting reactions ever. This was one of the things that he loved about him.
He sighed. There was really no way out of this—wait, in the first place, wasn't he supposed to talk to him anyway? He just really didn't expect the young man to be sleeping at this time. He must have been exhausted. Just what did he do after he saw me?
"Wh-Why are you here?" The green-eyed man asked him, blinking rapidly to remove the sleepiness out of him. Though, the sudden appearance of Levi had probably already woken the living daylights out of him.
"That… Uh," Levi coughed to swallow the bile of nervousness blocking his throat. Why couldn't he just talk to him as normally as he could? Nothing's really normal about it. I was the one who practically told him to stay the fuck away. He looked away, trying to come up with a decent conversation-starter, but what was he supposed to say? Sorry, I kinda trespassed into your apartment because I thought you were leaving me behind and moving to a country literally fucking halfway across the world. Anyway, do you think you can forgive me and please not leave?
Yeah, right. Eren would probably give him one of those deadpanned looks like are you fucking kidding me right now? Levi was never the one to talk smoothly, never the one to openly and easily express himself through words. He had moments where he could give out an endearing impromptu speech but those were reserved from the ones who could read him—the ones who knew him well. But now that Eren was right there in front of him, somehow, the words just wouldn't come out and he was only glad that the urge to cry was finally gone.
"Were you crying?" Eren suddenly asked, and Levi whipped his head to the side to hurriedly wipe away the tears that could lead the brunet to asking him that question. Of course, there were streaks of tears and it might be because of the moonlight that Eren managed to see that. How come his room was lit while the rest of the place was dark anyway?
"I—I wasn't." Fuck. His voice cracked.
There was silence on the other side and that prickling sensation of someone intensely staring at him doubled and he knew that Eren was boring his eyes onto him. It prompted him to turn and look at his lov—ex, and wow, how he hated correcting himself in his mind over Eren's status in his life.
Eren was really staring at him and Levi was immediately drawn to him. He stood at the foot of his bed, awkwardly shifting his weight from one foot to another. Talk. He should really talk right now.
Eren changed his position, shuffling over to one side of his twin bed and patting the one equally spaced side next to him. Levi looked at him like he just grew four ears on his face but Eren smiled and that rapid heartbeat was back. Levi knew that he was visibly blushing because of the hot feeling in his face. How could he be embarrassed when he had already slept with this person many times? And those times were as intimate and loving as they always were. So how come this was making his stomach churn, like an unsettling but oddly pleasant feeling, and was making him lightheaded now?
No matter how long they were apart from each other, how come Levi could be affected this strongly by Eren?
He slowly walked up to his side and he sat on the bed, hearing it creak under his weight and feeling the little warmth that was left where Eren had occupied it. He removed his shoes and wished that he didn't change his sweatpants into denim jeans. It wasn't like he knew that Eren would be inviting him to bed right when they saw each other. But… he was happy. As Eren lied back down and Levi followed suit, they faced each other. The weight of the anxieties and fears was gone from his chest the longer he stared at those Caribbean eyes. He hoped that he could freeze the time so that they would remain in this cocoon of happiness. However, any bubble of content could burst any moment. He knew that by experience, and he also knew that this was no different.
"You're leaving."
Those words were simple but they were like sharp knives piercing his lungs. He continued to gaze at the angle of that tanned face and the small wrinkles forming from the constant laughs and smiles that Eren had given the world—had given him. The smile that tugged his lips upwards was a sad one, and Levi wished he could erase the remnants of melancholy from that expression. His smile was one of the things that he loved about Eren. The one that he wanted to protect.
"I am," Eren responded. His eyes were shining and Levi knew that that wasn't because of the light from outside.
He didn't know what to say to him. He couldn't even demand an answer because he didn't deserve it. He avoided Eren for two weeks after what had happened to the Reiss Company, after what had happened to Kenny because he thought about it thoroughly—he thought that the best solution for everyone to stop hurting was for everyone to be separated. The same should also be applied to the two of them.
Kenny had died protecting Levi, the very reason why his uncle had killed the Jaegers and condemned himself as a sinner. He ought to feel grateful or happy that someone cared enough to do that for him, but instead, he felt angry and frustrated. But most of all, Levi hated himself. He knew that he was no superhuman—just like what Hanji said—but he wished that he could at least do something, just…anything. Anything just so that his uncle wouldn't die like that or see Eren suffering from his trauma, but it was all too late. He realized that the web of threads that were connecting them together was all foreshadowing that great tragedy. He should've seen it, but he was too happy with Eren. He didn't want to let go. So he let himself be blinded by love.
But… he realized one way to cut off those threads. Him. He needed himself to let go. He needed himself to open his eyes to the truth—the truth that he and Eren cannot be together. And this was the only way they would stop hurting.
He was wrong.
He didn't want to lose him—those green eyes staring at him expectantly and unwavering, those lips that uttered those words that became his favorite because they were the most genuine he had ever heard in his life after his parent's death. He didn't want to lose his love. His love was the only thing that kept Levi sane and happy—very, very happy—and he knew that it was selfish, but he didn't want to lose Eren Jaeger.
He wanted his past, his present, and his future. He wanted everything from him, just like how Levi was willing to offer his very self to Eren. He wanted to put his love and his trust on the line again because he knew—he knew that he would never regret it as long as Eren was by his side.
"I'm going with you," Levi uttered. A tear rolled down to his side and Eren's mouth parted in shock. He was looking at Levi with brightened eyes and it looked like he was struggling to find the words to reply to that. But he wasn't nearly done. Just like what Eren had commented before, Levi wasn't good at expressing his feelings through words. But for Eren, he would try.
"I'm sorry that I pushed you away. I can't believe you had to go through that before just to protect me. I'm sorry that I couldn't tell you anything—I was…I was angry. I was angry that I wasn't able to do anything." Eren opened his lips to say something but Levi shook his head to indicate that he wasn't finished. "I watched my uncle die right in front of my eyes, and I feel…I feel sickened because you experienced the same damn thing with your mother. When you looked at me, you had probably seen the face of your family's killer, and I—I couldn't pretend that I didn't know. That's why I decided that the best way for me to stop hurting you was to stay away."
"Levi…" Eren murmured, his own tears were falling and Levi lifted his hand to wipe them away. His fingers caught one tear after another and he couldn't help but remember how similar this situation was when they were in France. He had also opened up to Eren back then, and he brought him to the grave of his parents. He also recalled that Eren promised something to him, right before everything went to shithole.
"I want to see your parents and properly apologize to them, for what my uncle had done to them. He might have had taken the responsibility of ensuring my survival, so now it's my turn to return the favor. I'll take the duty of bowing before your parents and say "I'm sorry" many times even if I know that's nowhere near enough. But," he paused and rested his hand on Eren's cheek, gently caressing the smooth skin. He chuckled. "I don't think they'll ever forgive me."
"Why?" Eren asked softly. He put his own hand over Levi's and watched as emotions passed through the raven's silver eyes.
"Because I want to ask for their blessings."
Those green eyes were staring at him intensely and Levi didn't want to lose himself before he could even finish what he was going to say.
"I want you to be in my life, Eren. I was only beating myself up for the wrong things and I should've known; I want to be a part of your life, now and forever. I want to wake up to your burnt eggs or your half-cooked pancakes or to that decent tea that only you could make—Hanji's tea was shit but I'll give her a B for effort." Eren laughed and Levi smiled unconsciously because who wouldn't get affected by that cute laugh anyway? "I want to take more pictures with you and fill up that wall of memories until we need another big room to hang them. I want to go to other places with you—we'll stay in Paris for however long you want, but I won't ride a fucking carousel again." Eren pouted at that and Levi sent him a scolding look full of love. "I want to go to that amusement park again or the aquarium. We can do that every year to commemorate the first time we met or our anniversary. I want to see you at the law firm again, waiting there with Petra and the others like you always do, with a bunch of art supplies and that bigass sketchbook of yours. Eren, give me another chance."
"Oh, Levi." Eren closed his eyes and Levi waited patiently. Patience was hardly a thing for the two of them. They had been rushing to things, which were either dangerous or completely selfish—and Levi knew that patience was one thing that they had to instill to themselves before they fucked up again, before he fucked up again.
"Pixis offered me a chance to go abroad. He said that he doesn't want me to stop now when my talent is only beginning to grow. That's why he gave me that gift: to study in Japan while working with patrons so I'll be learning and earning money at the same time. It's like a full-ride scholarship. I—I didn't want to do it at first," he opened his eyes and he was looking almost regretfully at Levi, "because I didn't want to leave you. I don't want to lose you."
It stung to hear Eren sound like that and Levi knew that he was feeling regretful because he was willing to decline the offer that was given to him for Levi. He thought that he couldn't have another chance with Eren, but that was utterly ridiculous. The brunet had shown his love to him in every form he could think of and Levi didn't know how to forgive himself that he thought Eren would get tired of him. Eren also loved him, just like how he always had in the past.
He leaned closer until his lips hovered over Eren's forehead and Levi pressed them until he could feel the warmth of his through his lips. He felt underserving to have this person in his life—Eren would be better off with a less complicated man—but Levi was selfish. He wanted Eren from the very beginning. It had nothing to do with the charm of Fate's third time. It had everything to do with Eren Jaeger. It was because it was Eren, and he wanted nothing else, no one else but him.
"You won't," he said softly and Eren shifted to look up to him. Levi smiled, one that was reserved for Eren and Eren alone.
"What do you mean?" Eren asked with those big, bright eyes of his and Levi couldn't resist the urge to hug him. So he did. He pressed their bodies together and Eren's one arm flew to his back where he started rubbing the back of his neck, feeling the bristles of Levi's undercut. Levi wrapped his arms securely around the brunet, patting his messy hair endearingly.
"I'm gonna go to Japan with you, Eren. I won't let you go this time."
He felt Eren freeze—no doubt shocked at the sudden declaration of Levi, though he had already said it a moment ago—and he couldn't blame the younger because Levi didn't really think about anything when he was on his way here. His mind was only filled with dread and hope, but after their exchange, Levi knew what he had to do.
He had to stop running away. He had to face his problems, and this time, it would be with Eren's hand wrapped around his. He would stand next to Eren because there was no way that they would fall if one was present to help the other stand again. They would face whatever else that could come onto them in the future, and Levi knew that they would falter like they did many times in the past, but he knew that there would only be one thing to do in the end.
Come home to the arms of his love. And Eren was his home.
Eren finally relaxed in Levi's arms and he couldn't help but pull him even closer. He didn't know if he would be able to sleep, not wanting to wake up in his dreams or nightmares and realize that Eren wasn't there next to him, but…
He felt Eren's even breathing and Levi couldn't help but think, maybe Eren had found his peace in Levi's presence.
What was he saying about fearing the future? Yeah, he really should stop that now. Eren was in his arms and that was all that mattered.
This was all that mattered.
With that in mind, Levi had finally fallen asleep without a trace of darkness trailing on his wake, because there was that light that was guiding him. And that light told him that it was all right. Everything would be fine.
Levi awoke to a strange sensation of something pressing lightly on both of his cheeks alternatively, and he cracked one eye open but the blurry and lit image that greeted him made him close it again. It was too early. Too early to think about what he was gonna do in the house because he finished all his paperwork in a week's time and he regretted that he took those two weeks off—
His eyes snapped open and he finally processed everything. Before him was Eren Jaeger, obviously shirtless because the firm and tanned lean muscles were the second to greet Levi's sight. Eren was smiling at him with all his shining white teeth almost blinding Levi and he wondered if the brat had already brushed his teeth. He was a light-sleeper so Eren couldn't possibly do that without waking him, so how—
"It's already one in the afternoon, Levi. Are you planning to go to work at all?" Eren asked. His classic smartass attitude was present in his voice in which Levi snorted at.
"How come you have this much energy so early in the mor—" he immediately stopped mid-question and he clamped his mouth shut as his gray eyes focused on Eren, widening by the passing second. "Did—Did you just say it's already one in the afternoon?! What the f—"
"Yeah. You were sleeping pretty soundly," Eren added with a smirk on his face.
Levi groaned and cursed. Erwin would grill him about skipping more of his work and he might get fired in no time, but the warmth that was surrounding him was too good to pass. Eren was there for him. He didn't leave him. He registered that very fact as he stared at the young man unashamedly, which really embarrassed the other as evident with the way his cheeks slightly reddened.
"Can you stop looking at me like that?" Eren sounded scandalized and it made Levi spurred onto his teasing.
"You have to get used to this if you're gonna spend the rest of your life with me, brat," he retorted back with a smirk on his own.
The redness on Eren's cheeks spread across his face and Levi wanted to chuckle because he knew where to push Eren's buttons to the point of exploding. This was another reason why he loved him.
"You…You sounded like you were proposing just now," Eren said, eyebrows were twitching and Levi rolled onto his back, feeling his muscles ache because he was not used to sleeping in a cramped space. He wasn't complaining though—he got to sleep with Eren for the first time in two weeks they were apart. He wished he could've changed into something else other than the jeans that he was still wearing though; they were really uncomfortable as fuck.
This was what it was like to be living in Eren's apartment, and he wondered if the brunet had ever felt cold in his bed without Levi. He sure was lonely and cold without Eren, and the big empty space on his bed was an everyday reminder of that. He didn't want to go through that again—he might be exaggerating and cliché, but he didn't care. He only wanted to be with Eren and that was it.
He looked at him and Eren stared back with equal love in his eyes and Levi smiled.
"Well, I'll definitely do that in the future, so why not practice now?"
Needless to say, Levi had seen Eren beat his record of how-red-he-could-be-because-of-Levi.
But then Eren presented a dopey smile on his face with his adorable—yes, Levi was definitely getting mushy—red cheeks. He said teasingly, "Then, maybe I should make you wait ten years before I say 'yes'?"
Levi wasn't about to get beaten though and he leaned in close to Eren until their lips were just a breath away. He looked at those plumped pink lips and felt his desire to take away the loneliness of his own lips grow. He remembered the streaks of tears on Eren's face last night and he couldn't help but think of how much he wanted to make that the last time that he would see the brunet cry. Instead, Levi wanted Eren to cry out of happiness. That would be better.
Before he sealed the distance between them and give himself the satisfaction of tasting the sweetest kiss they'd ever shared so far with each other, Levi uttered his vow to Eren.
"That's okay, brat. I promise to always live in the warmth of your love and call it home, because no words or actions can possibly show you the extent of how much I love you."
Eternal love. Eternal happiness. That was what Levi was willing to give Eren.
A/N: Thank god I have my laptop right now XD I thought about this chapter during the car ride leaving home (I'm on a vacation right now) and wow... The last chapter will be the next one and I know that this chapter may be cliché, I just thought that the interaction between Eren and Levi would go like this if they were to have this kind of heart-to-heart talk, just like what happened to them in France. *sniffs* I don't wanna say bye yettttt TTvTT P-Please, just wait for the next chapter for more notes from me (If I start with the appreciation notes, this will be longer XD) ~v~
-CrimsonHazelEyes
