Aida takes the two of you to a room covered in paper - various printouts of team rosters, a wall calendar showing off famous American players covered in cramped handwriting, a few playbooks stacked on top of a worn out table.

Aida takes a seat behind the desk. "Sit."

You do. Kuroko stays quiet beside you, more shadow like than ever.

The sound of the lazy ceiling fan turning fills the silence. Finally, Aida lets out a sigh. "There's nothing wrong with your body. In fact, I know that because you have ridiculous stats. I've seen grown men with less than half the ability and talent you have, plus you can do more training with less effort than anyone on the team. So." She leans back in her chair. "Why the hell did you collapse?"

You - hesitate. How do you put it into words, the slow erosion of the will to live; your wish to stop and not go on. How sometimes, your brain just shuts down on your body, because it's just... too much.

You don't have the words to talk about the inside of your head.

"Kise-kun said it might be some sort of sensory overload," Kuroko says, barely audible over the fan.

You glance at him. He talked to Kise - when you were unconscious?

It feels a little strange, to know that people are talking about you when you're not there. Like your body is pushing down on you, a little more solid.

It's... heavy.

He meets your eyes with a little shrug.

It's as good an excuse as any; not technically a lie, nor a truth. You turn back to Aida. "Yeah. Something like that. My brain doesn't turn off or zone out. Wherever I am, I'm there. I notice everything. You got a haircut in the last couple of days, fixed a few split ends. Kuroko had miso and rice for breakfast. Kiyoshi still has a limp. Our English teacher is having an affair with the science teacher."

It never ends. It's noise, and movement, so bright you just want to cover your eyes and ears and sleep forever. The world is big and dark and grey and you can't ignore it.

One of the reasons you liked photography so much. It gave you focus. Gave you a place to stand, to stop the world from dissolving into noise.

Aida glances between you and Kuroko. Her eyes narrow. "That's how you can see Kuroko."

"Yeah."

You don't know what she's thinking, only that she's thinking hard. Kuroko is quiet beside you, and you don't know what to think about the fact that you feel more settled to see his ice blue hair bowed out of the corner of your eye.

You don't like him. Maybe you never will.

You trust him, though.

He apologized. He's trying to do better. Be a better shadow. You remember how he was with Aomine, and you think, maybe you can trust him to guard your back.

Finally, Aida let out a sigh. "You really can't play in most games, Hana?"

You let out a breath you didn't know you were holding. Relief tastes like inhaling sweet morning air, comes with the feeling of the fist around your stomach coming loose. You don't realize how tense you are until your spine relaxes, your body sinking into its typical sprawl.

"No," you say.

Aida rubs her forehead with both hands. "Alright. Fine. I'll take a look at our strategies and formations, but fine. I, as your coach, can't ignore your mental health for the sake of winning. But," She glares. "That doesn't mean you're allowed to skip practice. I expect you here every single day, alongside the team. I can't give you any more leeway than that. Do you understand?"

"Yeah." You say. Practice was no big deal. You could do it in your sleep. You actually have a few times, though you're not stupid enough to say any of that to her. She might decide to triple your workload or something.

"Good." She gives you another look, one that's softer, more concerned. "Tell me if things are getting bad again. Is there anything I can help you do to get this under control? Do you use medication?"

You blink. You don't know the last person who asked you that. Maybe no one ever has - even your parents never really gave it that much thought. That's on you, probably. Not like you asked for help.

"Uh. No. I just sleep until I stop feeling like shit, I guess. Dark rooms, noise-canceling headphones." You shrug, but it feels tight. "There's nothing anyone can do."

Aida studies you. "You mean there's no one who's bothered."

You don't know how to respond to that, so you don't.

With a sigh, Aida stands up, reaches over the table and puts her hand on your head. You're surprised enough to let her. She gives you a smile, but there's an emotion you can't read in her eyes. It sends a ripple through the darkness inside you.

You swallow, and it's difficult.

"If you need help, don't hesitate to ask," Aida says. "It's my job to keep you safe and healthy. I can't let anyone hurt my players, not even themselves. Okay?"

You nod; one bare jerk of your head; not even enough to dislodge her hand. You can't find your voice.

"Good." She pushes up from the desk, with a sigh. "Now I have to go break the news to Hyuuga. And probably stop him from killing Kiyoshi. God knows what the two of them are up to when I'm not there. Kuroko," she says, gives him a stern stare. "Keep an eye on her."

"Yes, coach." He sounds sincere.

"Excellent." She leaves the room.

"I can take care of myself." You say under your breath. Kuroko gives a judgmental look.

Tch.

You lean back into your chair, feel the creek of old wood underneath you. You think you're glad. Glad that Aida is the one in charge. She has a spine made of titanium. Nothing will ever make her bend. If Akashi had an Aida to hold him back, balance him out, maybe it wouldn't have crashed down -

It's in the past. Nothing you can do about it now.

Kuroko is the one to break the silence. "Hana-san did not quit."

You look up at the fan; watch its lazy circles. "I promised."

A pause. "You did."

Neither of you breaks the quiet. It's something that you notice with Kuroko. There are distinctive tones to his silences. You can tell an angry silence from a judging one, a strange one from a sad one.

This one though - this one, you don't know how to read. You don't try. You feel like you're looking down on yourself from above. The room is warm. You feel quiet inside your head; light, like you, just put down something heavy and are only just now noticing the weight of it.

"Back in Teikou," Kuroko says at last and you realize your eyes closed. "Hana-san was always around people. I expected something similar in Seirin. Instead, Hana-san does not speak to the other members of the team. Only to Kagami-kun and myself. It is... strange to see Hana-san alone so often."

You glance at him. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Kuroko's mouth is flat. "Kise-kun rarely left Hana-san's side. Akashi-kun was much the same way. Hana-san was always surrounded by admirers in Teikou. People feard you, but also… admired you."

Ah.

From that point of view, you can see where Kuroko is coming from. He only ever saw you on the basketball court or at lunch - you made sure of it. You spent those years avoiding the basketball team like they had the plague, never around more than one of the Generation at a time.

"Hana-san was never overlooked. Hana-san had the talent that I desperately wanted." Kuroko's spine is straight, hands folded in his lap. "I was... terribly jealous of Hana-san. Hana-san has so much already - I thought you were selfish for keeping Ki - my team's attention. I blamed Hana-san for things that were not her fault. I was frustrated with myself."

Keeping Kise's attention, he was going to say.

You fold your hands behind your head. "Yeah. You and everyone else." Then the meaning behind his words hits. "You were doing it on purpose. Keeping Kise away from me."

And this quiet is familiar, like something ice cold pressed against your neck. It brings back the memory of Kuroko's bowed head. Kuroko is ashamed. He says nothing.

It's answer enough.

For one moment, your anger surges. It crawls up your throat, pounds against your teeth, trying to pry open your jaw and tear Kuroko apart. You think about the empty apartment, the shift of shadow in the sleepless night, the way you wandered the city. Restless. Alone.

(People hate you or they fear you or they envy you. They avoid you after a few weeks anywhere. When was the last time anyone just - stayed around you, because they wanted to?

Never.

Akashi wanted your talent. Nijimura felt he owed you, no matter what he said. Your parents treated you well because you were their daughter. Aida saw you as a part of her team and took care of you the same way she maintained a piece of gym equipment. The less said about Kuroko the better. Even Kasumi only treated you as a little sister because of Kise.

Nobody is ever there, just because.

Except for Kise. You had Kise.

For a while.)

Breath in. Breath out. Let it go.

It's not like you've never been jealous before. You remember looking at Kuroko and the way your brother turned towards him like a flower to the sun. You remember violence bubbling under your tongue.

Kuroko is only human.

"What are you asking, Kuroko?"

"When will you speak to Kise-kun again?"

You still. "He hasn't called me."

"Hana-san is the one who left. Perhaps Kise-kun is waiting for you to make the first move."

I left because of you.

You think the words, but don't say them.

Kuroko is trying. You can too.

You stare ahead at the wall, paying no attention to the words on them.

"Perhaps Hana-san should think about reaching out." His mouth pulled up the slightest bit, but his eyes were rueful. "Kise-kun will always wait for Hana-san. He loves Hana-san more than anyone. No one else can compare."

"I'll think about it." You say, and nothing else.

Kuroko nudges your shoulder, gentle. The two of you sit together in Aida's office for a long time.


Hyuuga stops glaring after a week; it helps that Kiyoshi is around full time, acting as a distraction. He's a weird guy, Kiyoshi. He'd fit right in around the Generation of Miracles. Might be why you feel less like he's grating on your nerves when he talks, comparatively.

You and Kuroko don't talk about Kise again. You also don't call him.

It might be fear, that stills your hands. You don't remember how being afraid felt, but if you could, it might be like being thrown out into the snow, the first shock of cold.

The peace doesn't last. The end comes with a phone call, just after evening practice. You're in the locker rooms, listening to Kagami talk about some sort of game he watched on TV last night. Basketball of course. Kuroko is enthralled.

Basketball morons, the both of them.

You look down at your ringing phone. It's not Nijimura. You don't recognize the number, in fact.

You answer it. "Hello?"

"Hana-chan?"

You blink. "Momoi?"

How did she get your number?

...Right. It's Momoi.

Kuroko breaks off his conversation and looks at you, a question in his eyes. You shrug.

"Is something wrong?" You ask.

"Um. Sorry to call this late, but can you come to the stadium? It's - well." She sighs. "It's Haizaki. He showed up to harass Kise-kun."

You raise your eyebrows. "Haizaki?" There's a name you hadn't heard about in a while.

Why did she sound so worried? It was just Haizaki.

Now you have Kuroko's full attention. He sits up straighter, face solemn. Haizaki and Kuroko never got along in Teiko, so you don't blame him for not being happy about it.

You're not happy about it either.

"I'll be there." You say. You shut the phone without waiting for a response, then dial Nijimura while pulling your shirt on over your head.

He answered on the first call. "Hana? What's wrong? You never call me."

"Need a ride." You say, pick up your bag, and head out of the gym. "I'm still at school."

Kagami and Kuroko follow you like lost puppies, and you raise an eyebrow at them. Kagami shrugs. "I don't have anything better to do."

You roll your eyes and elect to ignore them. "Haizaki showed up."

"Really?" Nijimura asks. "Fuck. Hana, please don't go beat the hell out of him. You're definitely going to get arrested one of these days, and then your dad is going to blame me."

You roll your eyes. "Even if I did get arrested, I'm richer than god, and my moms a lawyer. I'd get a slap on the wrist." Besides. Wasn't like Haizaki, of all people, was worth your time in the first place. Kuroko's words rattle around your head like marbles in a glass jar.

Nijimura sighs. "Please don't say that where any cops can hear you. They might take up the challenge."

"Who is she talking to?" Kagami whispers behind you. You don't hear Kuroko's reply.

"The car is on its way. It'll be there in five minutes."

That was... suspiciously fast. You narrow your eyes. "Are you just keeping a car nearby?"

An embarrassed silence.

"That's pretty creepy, dude."

"Look, it wasn't my fault. If you wanna blame anyone, blame your overprotective dad! He mopes." Nijimura snapped. "Speaking of that pain in my ass, he told me to tell you about a family dinner next week. Your mom is back in town, and he wants you there."

Your steps falter, just a bit. You have dinner with your parents because that was part of your deal. They were both busy people though and rarely in the same place at the same time.

They knew that together they sent you spiraling faster than just alone.

It was easier that way.

If it was both of them together...

"Is something wrong?" You ask.

Nijimura makes an unhappy sound. You can hear the creak of an office chair in the background. "I don't know. Your old man's been acting... weird. He distracted. It's not just him missing your mom or you. It's weirder."

Cold creeps up the back of your neck.

(Is this the moment your parents give up on you? Your stomach twists in on itself; you feel dizzy for a moment like a world has taken off spinning and left you standing in one place.

The pit in the back of your head shivers, gaping like an open wound.)

"Sure." Your voice comes out steady; bored and bland as always. Your chest feels tight.

It's been a couple of months since you've seen your mom.

"Hana?" Kagami asks. "What's wrong?"

You sigh. "Don't worry about it."

A Bently rolls up and cut Kagami off. It's a slick black machine, black and gleaming under the streetlights. Even the tires seemed to shine.

"Holy shit." Kagami's eyes go wide. "This is your ride? Hana, how fucking rich are you?"

You shrug. "Very."


You spot Momoi in the crowd almost instantly. Her pink hair looks closer to red in the setting sun. A cold breeze blew through the streets, ruffling posters and tugging at clothes. Her skin looks like porcelain.

Momoi smiles at you, but it doesn't hide the crease of worry between her eyes. "Hana-chan. Kuroko-kun." She pauses. "Kagami-san."

You put your hands in your pockets, where they won't cause any trouble. "Yo."

"Good evening, Momoi-san," Kuroko says.

"Momoi," Kagami says.

Momoi tucks herself under your arm. You frown. She's freezing.

"What are you doing here, anyway?" You ask. Touou didn't have a game today. You glance around. "Where's Aomine?"

No way he'd let her go to the place that had Haizaki in it without him. Unlike you, Momoi isn't one of natures fighters.

She makes a face. "He wandered off the second we got here. Who knows where he is by now." She glances over your shoulder at Kagami and Kuroko, and steps closer to you.

You decide not to think about it. "Let's go find Kise."

"Not Haizaki-kun?" Kuroko asks.

"Haizaki's predictable. If Kise's around, Haizaki will show up like the cockroach he is."

"I'm sensing some hostility. What the fuck did this guy do to piss you off?" Kagami asks.

You glance over at him, eyebrows raised. "Please. Haizaki is barely worth the air it takes to say his name. If I'm pissed off, you'll know."

Momoi leads all of you straight to Kise because of course, she knows where he is.

"Hana-san was right," Kuroko says. He looks murderous, under the normal blank face.

Haizaki has Kise backed up into a wall, a leer on his face, on arm around Kise's shoulder. He's almost complacently pressed up against Kise, body to body. "-Now that you don't have anyone to hide behind, Ryuota, we can have a nice chat. Just us Miracles."

Kise looks ready to break Haizaki's arms but his smile is the same blinding light it always is. "Akashicchi kicked you out, Haizaki. That makes you not one of us anymore."

Haizaki's bares his teeth. "What, you're still riding Akashi's dick, Ryouta? Unlike you, I grew out of thinking my middles school captain was the person who made the laws -"

"Usually am." You say to Kuroko. "Kise."

Kise's eyes go wide, the murderous part of vanishes faster than a blink. "Hannachi!" He says.

Haizaki freezes, the leer falling off his face. He whirls around, catches sight of you. A flicker of black hate fills his eyes. It's almost a relief to have that familiar, caustic emotion trained on you. All the softness around you lately could make a girl confused. "Guess you came along to sniff after Kise's dick like a dog in heat, bitch?"

"Yo, what the fuck?" Kagami starts.

You walk forward and cut him off, hands in your pockets.

Haizaki takes one step back for every step you take forward until his back hits a wall. You don't stop, until just inches away from his chest. He's got at least a foot on you. You keep your hands in your pocket and look up at him.

Haizaki's lips curl up in a sneer. "Did you come to get a good look at your boyfriend losing? I thought you dropped him like the piece of shit failure he months ago."

You feel Kuroko's anger, glacial, on the back of your neck. He's a quiet guy, but you know he's not a nice one. You notice Kise look down out of the corner of your eye, the way his fists shake. These kids, upset at Haizaki like he was something to worry about. Look at him, so sure of himself. Backed up against the wall, and still spitting shit. You can almost admire it.

You smile. It's not a nice one. It's almost funny - like you have so many worries that Haizaki would be one of them. "It'd be funny to watch Kise grind you into the dirt. Unfortunately, he has a game and no time to deal with trash like you."

It takes a moment to register. Then Haizaki lunges, one fist raised. "You bitch!"

Like a viper, you strike his chest, slam him back against the wall. His head cracks against the brick. His heart jumps under your palm like a frightened rabbit.

"Fuck off, Haizaki." You say. "This is your last warning."

"Or what?" He snarled.

You smile again and take a step back. You shrug. Coach made you promise to keep out of trouble, but Haizaki doesn't know that. After all the times you fought him, he knows that you're better than him in every way.

His face pales. He swallows hard and starts to inch around you towards freedom. You let him. He looks over his shoulder at you then at Kise and Kuroko watching him with dark eyes.

Haizaki fucks off.

You dismiss him from mind and turn to Kise. "...Hey."

He stares at you and you can't tell what he's thinking. "Hey."


hey guys sorry for the update hiccup. i got super sick in january for two weeks straight and then i got busy for the rest of it. life just be like that sometimes.

everything is up and running now tho *thumbs up emoji*

if you only follow this story i just posted a new bleach fic called Bad Bad People (Don't Live In our House), and it's a fake married oc/aizen fic, because i'm a sucker.