Disclaimer: teen wolf is nae mine folks haha you've all been so wonderful and your reviews do mean the world, hope you enjoy this next chapter X
She didn't know what an earth compelled her to act in that way to Stiles. Literally, she had no clue what so ever. A few weeks ago she was full of hate and rage and now she was smiling at him across the corridor like some lovesick schoolgirl? It was bleh. It was disgusting. But a small part of her kinda liked the way he looked at her, smiled at her, touched her... It felt so unusual, so foreign, having gone without these types of feelings in so long that at first she pushed him away but now, well... She didn't really want to push him away. A large part of her did want to, a natural defence mechanism to protect herself, but a smaller part of her recognised that he was good for her. That Stiles could be her saving grace.
So, yeah, she pretended that it didn't mean much, that what they had was casual because she was a seductress and she enjoyed sex and she enjoyed sex with him very much, but deep down it wasn't as simple as that. It wasn't just sex. But she sure as hell wasn't ready to admit that to him let alone herself, continuing to live in blissful denial.
But that all unraveled when she entered chem class a couple of hours later and immediately saw Stiles perk up at her entrance, a nervous look twisting his features for a second like he thought she would forget everything that had happened between them and revert back to being the heartless bitch she once was but then he smiled. Just a smile. Hell, it was probably only a half smile, that boyish quirk of his lips that always used to bring her to her knees and she was pleasantly surprised that it still did. That she felt something stirring inside her at that look, not quite knowing what to make of it.
She faltered for a brief moment, hovering in the doorway as she debated whether she was really ready to go down this path - she could turn around, get the hell out of here, leave Beacon Hills and force herself to forget about Stiles and live a hassle free life the way she wanted without emotions, without pain and be and do whatever the hell she wanted. It sounded nice, it sounded amazing after everything she had been through.
She glanced over her shoulder, seriously considering it. For once, she was willing to take the easy way out.
Didn't she deserve easy after everything?
But her gut twisted, starting to feel uncomfortable at the thought of leaving and turned back around, resounding herself to the fact that she was turning soft and she didn't necessarily want to leave. She wanted to stay, to see what impact Stiles had on her. She was curious, let's say. He made her feel things she thought long gone, things that she thought had been burned and carved out of her. Maybe he could make her feel... What was that word again?
...
Whole.
Maybe he could make her feel whole again.
So she sighed, tightening her hand around her handbag straps and walked in, sliding into the seat next to him as he gaped at her in astonishment, leaning back slightly as if the shock was about to knock him over.
"Didn't think I'd come?" She teased, shooting him a smirk.
"I uh... I didn't want to get my hopes up. But then they were - up I mean, like so very high up but for a second there it looked like you were going to do a runner. Something which I'm so glad you didn't do by the way, running away would've been very very bad"
She felt amused by his ramblings, even going as far as finding it kinda cute. The way he got flustered, using his hands to speak and nearly hitting her as he did so, a nervous sweat building up on his upper lip and forehead. He was excitable around her, not really quite sure how to act and she found it adorable.
Adorable? God, she really was turning soft.
"Stiles, chill" she advised with a quirk of her lips, pulling out her notepad and pen and dumping her bag on the floor under her feet, "and yeah I'm here"
His eyes lit up, twisting around in his seat to face her, "so I didn't scare you away after last night? I know I was kinda heavy with everything but I... I really do love you. I just wanted you to know it"
Scare her? Absolutely. Scare her away? Not quite. Though in the first few panicked filled seconds after he said that he loved her, she did feel like clasping her hands over her ears and telling him not to say that because it made her feel things she didn't know how to process, overwhelming her at times. But after that panic passed, she did like it... Sort of. For years all she heard was words of hate, words designed to belittle her and make her feel weak and insecure, breaking her down to pieces but here Stiles was, building her back up, sticking by her despite her stubbornness, choosing not to hate her but love her all the same as before even though she was a terrible person. The loyalty he had really was amazing.
She swallowed the lump in her throat, forcing herself to not break away from his stare, "I uh... I know you do love me. I don't understand why, but I'm not doubting your words"
He frowned a little, looking like he was reaching out for her hand but faltered, pursing his lips, "I still see a future with us you know? I think we could really make things work"
She snorted, "with me the way I am?"
"I'll always love whatever person you are - always" he vowed, "but, well, I mean... You're working on it right? I mean, you are trying to let those emotions back in, aren't you?"
She shrugged, feeling a little uncomfortable with how deep this talk was in the brief moments before Chem class started but forced herself not to shy away from it.
"Yeah I guess so" she murmured, "it's hard though"
"I know" he soothed gently, "that's why, for the first time in my life, I'm willing to be patient. Because you're worth waiting for"
Stiles frowned at her in concern, one hand still wrapped around the steering wheel and the other tapping his thigh nervously, "only if you're sure"
"I am" she nodded adamantly, twisting her head to the side to send him a small smile, "you don't have to wait, if things go well then I don't know how long I'll be in there for"
"Doesn't matter Kaylz, you're worth waiting for" he told her quietly, his eyes nothing but warm and understanding, "I'll be here if you need me"
"My Robin" she muttered, a smile tugging at her lips, "thank you for being so... Well, you"
He had said that before, all those months ago when she tried to straighten things out with her mom and he had waited all evening because, to him, she was worth the time it took. He would wait forever if he had to because, in the end, it would be worth it to him.
She bit her lip, glancing down at the desk before meeting his stare again, "do you really want to waste your time waiting for used and damaged goods though?"
He reeled back in shock, sadness that she would even think that racing through his body as he fixated on her expression, that blank knowing look in place. She didn't appear affected by what she said, not even hurt or shame, just that continuous empty stare he had gotten used to over the past few weeks.
"Kaylz, you're not used or damaged goods, don't say that"
She quirked an eyebrow, "Really? Cos' out of this class of twenty I've screwed at least a third of them" she pointed out and he glanced around, suddenly a little self conscious as he speculated exactly who of his classmates had kissed her, touched her, been inside her... God, it was soul destroying wondering, a ball of fiery anger curling in his gut.
She noticed his expression twist into annoyance, his hand subconsciously curling around the edge of the table, "before, what we had was special because we had loyalty, dedication-"
"We can still have that-"
"Maybe" she agreed, "but before it was different. I was different. Now I kill, I maim, I know the effect I have on others and I take advantage of that. What if I sleep with someone else again?"
"You won't" he shook his head adamantly, "not anymore"
"How can you be so sure?"
"Because you said you loved me" he exclaimed loudly and she took a quick glance around nervously, hoping no one heard, "you said you loved me" he repeated a little quieter, his gaze intense and unwavering, "and please don't deny it again because we both know it's true. We were having sex and you said you loved me. You wouldn't have said it if you didn't mean it and the fact you're getting defensive just proves I'm right"
"Stiles... Don't. Can we not go there"
"It's fine you don't want to admit it" he threw his hands up in surrender, "but the sad part is you're lying to me but more importantly you're lying to yourself"
"I've forgotten what being in love is like" she stated, "or even feeling love of any kind. So I'm sorry I'm not quick to jump on the deep feeling wagon but if you were where I was then you would understand exactly why this is so damn terrifying, why the idea of 'us' is terrifying to me but you don't. You don't get it Stiles and you never will"
His look softened, leaning towards her, "then explain it to me" he murmured quietly, "no holding back. Say exactly what you're feeling and make me understand. Please" he added, tilting his head to the side, "let me in Kaylz"
She was on the defence again, hackles raised and closing herself off but she realised that was helping no one. It was futile and got her no where. If she was going to try then she needed to let her guard down, no matter how much it hurt.
She let out a loud sigh, glancing up when she heard the teacher walk in.
"Not here" she muttered, shaking her head and grabbing her bag, "meet me in the girls locker room" she added, scraping her chair back and standing up, striding towards the door.
"Miss Hale-"
She held her up to the teacher as she walked past, shutting him up immediately and shooting him a glare as she exited, hearing Stiles fumble about behind her as he raced to pack up his stuff, making up a bunch of excuses to try and leave before finally settling on "my bowels are about to move really badly, like really really badly, a total full on explosion-"
"You needn't say more Mr Stilinski, just leave"
He caught up with her just as she pushed open the door to the girls locker room, pretty much exactly the same as the boys except fresher and cleaner and dumped his bag on the floor, waiting for her to speak but she just wrung her hands, keeping her back turned.
"Kaylz?"
"...Three centuries is a long time" she started with, not really knowing where else to begin, "it's... forever really. But three centuries with him was... Never ending. It was continuous with no end in sight. People in this world - they last days, sometimes weeks when they're tortured. A select few can last years and eventually they either die being strong or give up. I didn't have that choice. I couldn't die, no matter how many times I wished I could. Every time he... He carved me up... Or burnt me till I was nothing but ash and bone, suddenly I was whole again. Only for him to start all over again. Day in. Day out. Over and over and over again. He liked taking his time though. He was patient. Happy with the entertainment. He liked seeing how loud he could make me scream and if I didn't, if I resisted screaming, or crying he would... He would punish me. Psychologically. Sometimes I think that was the worst part. Not the physical pain for years, not how he cut me apart or broke my bones, but how he got in here" she tapped the side of her head, finally turning around but keeping her eyes locked on the floor, "playing tricks on me. Like... Like the continuous drip of a tap until I tore my hair out. Made me see terrible things... Things from someone's worst nightmare until I gauged my own eyes out to make the visions stop but-but they didn't. He was in my head, twisting it... Destroying it... And the worst thing about everything was how he... How he looked like you. And I had to look into those eyes... Eyes the carbon copy of yours... Eyes I loved as he... As he did unspeakable things"
She felt Stiles unwavering gaze on hers, his breathing increasing slightly in panic and fear, unable to even speak.
"But at the same time some part of me could feel my body - my real body, the one in the ground. I could feel everything. My skin shrivelling and peeling, organs liquefying, bugs burrowing straight through me and... And I was cold" her bottom lip started wobbling, a wave of sadness hitting her square in the chest, "I was so cold and I just... I wanted someone to hold me. To just hold me so I didn't feel so alone. But no one did. No one came. And that helplessness of knowing no one could save you, resounding yourself to the fact that one brief moment, one quick decision, meant you would be damned... Forever. It eats away at you because there is no light at the end of the tunnel. There's darkness and pain. No happiness. No hope. Just misery"
"The nogtiusne's prison is down in the depths of the worst parts of hell. A dimension within a dimension. Existing somewhere just out of reach, and he can... He can manipulate his surroundings. He has power down there, just not enough to ever get out. He can... He can make things come alive, change the energy of the place so it wasn't always a dungeon. Sometimes it was a basement. A tunnel. A vast expanse of nothing. He could tailor make his own personal hell whatever way he pleased"
"And the more time passed, the more I felt it happening. This... This bitterness building inside me. I tried to stop it Stiles, I did. I thought of you, of Lydia, of our friends, how I just wanted Dylan and my dad to be proud of me but he was in my head, poking and twisting until it became unbearable. Until every time I thought of you all I felt... Pain. And that pain turned into loathing because why should you all live and I be stuck there with him? That's what I started thinking. And it kept escalating until I hated you all with every fibre of my being. Because I blamed you for my death even though it was my own choice. And when that hate got a hold... It was like poison. Just kept spreading and spreading to every inch of me. But it helped. Being that person made it bearable to be there. It eased the pain and when you're dead and gone and trapped there... Somethings as simple as taking some of the pain felt like heaven. Somewhere that I wanted to be. I wanted to be at peace with my family... With my daughter... To finally be resting because I was exhausted. But it never happened, and I was left slowly turning into someone I didn't even recognise. Someone so full of hate and rage until that was all I felt. And then I woke up" she added simply, feeling, for the first time in a long while, true wholesome tears stinging her eyes, blurring her vision.
"I remember... I remember just lying there, not knowing what had happened. I thought it was another trick. But then I felt my heart beating. My heart Stiles. The one I felt stop when I was in your arms, that very same one started thumping against my chest. But I couldn't move. The ground was so heavy and that sheet was suffocating me. And I thought I was going to die again. I thought I would miss my chance at being alive by being smothered in my own grave. So I dug. I kept digging, choking on the dirt until my hand... My hand, just the tips of my fingers, felt cold air. I felt it so I kept pulling, right out from that grave. And I... I got away. I escaped him. I won. Or I thought I won" she added tearfully, "but I didn't. Because I felt nothing. Nothing at all. Nothing good, nothing bad. Just empty inside. And I sometimes still feel like that. Like there's nothing inside. And then you sticked by me, and suddenly things started crashing down around me. I didn't hate you and look at you like you were the nogitsune, but as someone I... I felt attached to. Someone that made me feel things. Good things. Happy things. And it felt so terrifying because... Because I'm scared that if I let myself feel things, if I let people in, that makes me weak and vulnerable and I'll end up back there. I'll end up in hell again and I don't think I can do it. I can't go back there Stiles, I can't, I can't-"
"Hey, shhhhh" he hushed her gently and despite the tears tracing down his speckled face he stepped forward, cupping her wet face and tilting her head up, "you're safe. You're here and you're safe and you never have to go back there"
"You don't know that" she was near hysterics, shaking in his grasp, "what if after everything I've done, all the people I've hurt, my punishment is going back there? What if I don't ever get to feel happiness again?"
He blinked quickly to clear his vision, a deep profound sadness welling up inside him as he realised just how truly broken she was. How her attitude, the things she did, were really just a call for help.
She was spiralling, unable to cope-to compartmentalise everything and she needed stability. She needed reassurance but above all she needed love. She needed to remember and know what that was like to heal herself. She needed a rock and he would be it, no matter how much she needed to lean on him. All the times she had been there for him, each time she had saved him or went to hell to save his life, he owed her everything.
"You... Kayla Jay Ursula Tate Hale..." He pronounced slowly, thumbs stroking away her tears, "you are loved and you are needed. You make me so damn happy and I will show you. I'll help you, no mater what it takes. I'll do anything to make you feel happy again. Till the end of the road, remember?"
He watched her expression scrunch up, trying desperately to stop the tears, to reign back in those soul crushing emotions but it was impossible, they were out and she couldn't control them, losing her composure and breaking out into fresh tears-sobs that completely broke Stiles into pieces.
He nodded, a silent show of communication that he would stick by her, sliding his hand into her hair and tugging her forward against his chest, holding her there as she cried, feeling her own arms slide around his back to cling to the back of his shirt.
Last night was amazing that he finally got to be back in the arms of the girl he loved but right now, in this very moment, she opened up, she shared a part of herself that she held so close to her own chest, she let him see just how truly broken she was and being here, just standing with her head buried in his chest and sobs shaking her body, was like he finally had her back.
Their relationship was never about sex but about this unspoken connection and need they both felt for one another, something which he knew had been rebuilt.
He tilted his head a little, lips brushing her ear, "I love you"
She sniffed, tensing a little in his arms at his words but soon relaxed, burying herself closer and soaking up all the warmth and comfort he offered her before nodding, accepting his words, warming up a little inside - his gentleness, his kindness and warmth chasing away her inner demons.
And a nod was fine by him. He didn't need to hear words because he understood. He finally got why she did the things she did and deny the feelings and emotions she was feeling.
He understood and he forgave her.
Because he knew, deep down, past the horrors and pain she did really, truly, love him.
A/n) I'm sorry a little shorter but I'm swamped with uni placement and figured something was better than nothing haha you've all been so great recently with your support so pretty please with a cherry on top make a stressed and tired student feel well by leaving your thoughts, so eager to hear what you think about this turning point and Kaylas dark words about what happened, see you soon and thank you once again xxx
