This next part has some acts of domestic violence (in a dream, but some may find it disturbing). Skip the part in italics if you think you may be offended or find such sensitive topics to be disturbing.
Chapter 29: Day 13
There's a little red headed boy huddled in the corner, crying, afraid…afraid for himself, afraid for his mother. There's yelling, he's drunk…again. He's throwing stuff…plates, glasses, his wife.
"Get up!" he yells.
She crawls on all fours, sobbing, keeping her head bowed down, hidden from view. She doesn't want him to see her cry.
"I SAID GET UP!" He grabs her by the shoulders and slams her back against the wall.
"DADDY NO!" The little boy yells as he runs to stand between his father and mother.
"Get outta my way, you little shit! I'm your father, show some respect!" He says as he pushes the boy to the floor. He hits his head on the edge of the table and holds it as he beings to cry.
"JASON!" The woman cries, but when she tries to go to her injured son, the stronger, more powerful man grabs her by the arm and yanks her back. "Let me go!" She pleads. "That is your son that you just hurt!"
"It's your fault! You made me do it!" He says as he slams her against the wall again. "God, you're beautiful," he says as he begins pawing at her.
"Jason, baby…are you ok?"
"Yes," he manages to say through his sobs.
"Go to your room," the man demands.
"Don't hurt her!" The little boy cries.
"Don't worry Junior…Mommy wants Daddy to do what he's about to do."
The little boy looks at his mother for reassurance.
"It is ok baby, Mommy will be fine. Go to your room. I will be in later to read you a story and tuck you in."
The little boy leaves the room.
"No wonder he's such a pansy! You baby him! Our next son will be a man!"
"I told you, I will not have any more children with you until you stop drinking! I will not bring another child into this lifestyle!" She says.
"Since when do you make the decisions around here? I'm the man of the house! What I say goes," he says as he roughly presses his lips to hers.
"Stop it! I do not want to."
"It's not about what you want bitch."
He rips her blouse open, then violently pulls her pants down, pressing his body against hers when she tries to get away.
"Yeah, that's it…act like you don't want it," he says as he undoes his belt and pulls it off. "Take them off," he says, pulling at her underwear.
When she doesn't immediately do as he says, he uses the belt to hit the back of her legs, leaving welts until she listens.
He runs his hands roughly over her body, aggressively handling her as she objects to his actions. He's now removed his own pants and is about to force himself on her. She's crying and praying that this won't last long…that he'll get tired of fighting her, but the more she struggles and the more she cries, the angrier he gets.
"Look at me!" He demands. "Look at me damn it! You're my wife! You should be begging me to make love to you! You should feel lucky that I still want you! LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU."
He raises his hand to strike her and just as his hand hits, she looks up.
Linka?
"LINKA!" I find myself screaming her name as I bolt upright in bed. I reach for her, but she's not next to me. Where did she go? What have I done? I look around, unsure of my surroundings. The Philippines. She's not here. It wasn't real. But when I close my eyes, I can see her face…not her face as I know it, the face from my dreams…the one that he…that I hit. The dream wasn't about my dad and mom. The little boy in the corner wasn't me as a kid. It was MY kid. She called him Jason, I called him Junior…my son…Jason Joseph Jr. I hit him. I hurt him. And Linka…I hurt her too. I wasn't just mean to her…I was violent with her. I forced myself on her…I had her pressed to the wall…like I did the other night when I caught her with the anti-depressants. Oh my God…I'm just like him. I can't. I can't be with Linka, ever. If there's a chance that I could ever be like him…that I could ever hurt her. I can't be with her.
But I want to talk to her so badly. I need to hear her voice. To know she's ok. To tell me it was just a dream…but how do I tell her what happened in it. Maybe I don't have to. Maybe I can just tell her it was a bad dream. It should be 10am there. She should be up.
"Hello?"
"Linka!"
"Wheeler! I am so glad you called! I am sorry, I fell asleep before I set my alarm and missed your call earlier!"
"It's ok. I'm just glad you're awake now."
"Is something wrong? Did something happen? Are you ok?"
"No Babe…I'm not. I just had a really bad dream. Really bad."
"About your father?"
"No…well, yeah, sort of…but he wasn't in it…it was me. I was just like him. I had a wife and a kid, and I hurt them. I thought it was me…I thought the kid in the corner was me, not my son! And then, when I hit you…"
"You hit me?"
"Yeah."
"And our son?"
"Yeah…I'm sorry."
"For hitting me…or dreaming that we were married?"
"Yeah. For that…for both…for calling you…for telling you…it's too much information…I didn't mean to freak you out or embarrass you…I just want you to know that I'd never hurt you. I will NEVER hurt you."
Not ever. If keeping her safe means giving her up, I'll do what I need to do…no matter how badly it hurts.
"I know that" she says. "Jason listen to me, are you listening?"
"Yeah," I reply softly. I can't help it, but I feel like the kid in my dream…my son. I need to hear her tell me it's ok…but more than that, I wish she were here to tell me in person. I may never forgive Kwame.
"First of all, do not ever worry about telling me anything. I am not freaked out or embarrassed, I am just grateful that you can confide in me with the same honesty and trust that I have given you." I hear her take a breath before continuing. "Yankee, our nightmares are about our worst fears, not about who we are. You told me that there was no way I could have let anything happen; well I am telling you the same. It is not who you are, you are nothing like your father and you will never let that happen. You are stronger than he is Yankee, you prove that with everything you do."
I want to respond…I really do, even just to say 'thanks,' but I can't. I don't trust my voice to be able to form a complete sentence without giving away that fact that her words have brought me to tears…and for the first time since I got here, I'm glad she's not here to see me like this. I'm relieved that I don't have to respond when she continues,
"Look at the way you have looked after me, you have been angry with me so many times but you are always gentle, you have never hurt me and I know you will not."
How can she be so sure? Doesn't she remember the other night? I hesitate to remind her, but it proves my point. I wait until I'm composed enough to speak, however, my voice is barely above a whisper as I struggle to keep my emotions in check.
"That's not true. The other night… when I found you with those pills I…"
She's quick to reassure me.
"I was not afraid of you. I never once considered that you might hit me, it just is not something you would do. In fact there have been a few times when I have been surprised at just how incredibly gentle you are."
Tell her Wheeler. Tell her what you're thinking.
"It's you. You make it so easy to care about you." Why do we have to be so far apart? I should be saying this to her face. "I've never felt like the nurturing type…I never learned how to take care of someone because no one ever took care of me…but when I'm with you, something just kicks in and takes over…and I do and say things that I wouldn't normally do…I…go soft. And the tough guy that I've always had to be melts away. I'm not sure how I feel about that…kinda vulnerable. No one's ever seen this side of me."
"Surely your girlfriends have seen this side of you."
Whoa…do I really want to have this conversation with her? It could get me into trouble. But it sounds like she's fishing for answers. If she really wants to know…
"Girlfriend. I've only really had one serious relationship before. And I wasn't really…I mean, there were parts that were…uh…physical, but…not affectionate…if that makes sense."
How am I supposed to explain to Linka if I can't even figure it out for myself?
"Like, I guess I was still trying to put up that tough guy front. I never hugged her, or held her hand…we were mostly always spending time with our friends, and we'd all grown up together…I guess I was embarrassed for my buddies to see me being anything but the hard ass that they'd come to expect me to be."
This next part might be hard for Linka to hear because it reveals something about me that she might not have wanted to know.
"I'd never give her innocent, 'just because' kisses. Every time I kissed her…it was with the intention…that…it was going to lead to something more."
I wait for her to say something, but she doesn't.
"My point is, who I was before…isn't who I am now and I think that's because of you. I act different with you than I did with her…besides the obvious that she was my girlfriend and you're just my friend." It kills me to stay that. "I mean, even when she and I were just friends, and we were running around on the streets, I never felt the need to protect her…like I do with you…I'm sorry. You probably don't even care to know all this stuff…but I just thought you should know that I wasn't always the gentle person that you've come to know…and if it weren't for you…I'd still be the jerk that I was in Brooklyn."
Ok, now that I've gotten that out in the open, and probably dug myself a huge hole and taken about eight million steps backwards in our "relationship," I wait for her to say something.
"Linka? Are you still there?" Wouldn't that be somethin'? Going on and on about my past only to find out that our call has been disconnected! "Linka?"
"I am here," she says, and then pauses. "I wish I could take credit for all that but I know better. Lyubov moy, this is who you really are. The kind, gentle, loving young man that I know and... And who has become my best friend, that is the real you."
I make a mental note to ask her what "Lyubov moy" means. I've never heard her use that one before. Before I have a chance to ask, Linka keeps going. It's probably for the best. I don't really trust my voice to talk right now. It'll give away that fact that her words have once again brought me to tears. And it makes me happier than I've ever been to know that that's how she thinks of me.
"You hide behind the tough guy and the humor because of the upbringing you had, so that you would not be hurt anymore. If I am what you needed to get past that then I am honored, but the truth is you have done the same for me."
"What da'ya mean?" I force myself to ask.
"I was never an affectionate child. I did not suffer abuse the way you did, but I was shy and awkward. I tried to fit in but something always set me apart; I did not have a mother, my marks in my tests were higher than the others, I lost my father…and then the way I look."
She stops. The way she looks? Why would that make her awkward, unless she was an ugly duckling that turned into a beautiful swan, I can't see anyone ever calling her beauty into question.
"I know a lot of girls use their beauty and enjoy the attention it brings them, but I never did. I went further and further in on myself, pushed everyone away and pretended that I did not care. Grandmuska would hug me sometimes but I was never comfortable with friends, especially boys, hugging me or kissing me even just on the cheek. You made it okay for me, more than okay, not just to accept that kind of contact but to give it. But you have not changed me Yankee, you have brought out the person I was inside, and made it okay for me to be that person."
Oooh. Even back then, she was in denial about how beautiful she is. I'm glad and honored to know that I've been able to help her let that person out.
"Good…because you shouldn't hide that person. She's really great to be around. As for not being comfortable with giving and receiving affection, I think you're a natural at it. I wish you were here right now to give it…or that I was there for you to accept it," I say.
"I wish so too. Are you ok?"
"No, but I will be."
"Why not? What can I do for you?"
"Nothing. I won't be ok until I'm home. I don't want to be here. I want to be home."
"I want that too…but you have a job to do. As Planeteers, sometimes we have to do things that we do not want to. To make sacrifices…and this is not the first time we have sacrificed something for the Planeteers."
Is she talking about…us? Why we've never let anything happen between us? It's because of the Planeteers, I know that.
"No, it's not," I yawn. Now that I've calmed down and my heart has stopped pounding, the adrenaline rush has subsided and the fatigue from lack of sleep and doing strenuous work is setting in.
"You should get some rest," she says.
"I should change out of my clothes! I was so beat, I just collapsed on the bed without changing." I cradle the phone between my ear and shoulder as I being to undress. I open my duffle bag, looking for a clean pair of boxers to change into. "No wonder I had a bad dream…I didn't have your shirt that I stole."
"Do you think it will help?" She asks.
"I know it will," I reply as I clutch it to me. "Where are you now?"
"In my room. I was reading a book."
"Can you go to the Crystal Chamber?"
"I'd rather not…what if Gaia…"
"I need to see you. I'm going to the Geo Cruiser to hook up the com link…I just…I need to see you, to see for myself that you're ok because right now, the only image I have of you in my brain is the one from my dream."
"I am fine Wheeler, I promise…but if it will help you sleep better, I will do it."
"Thanks," I say as I pull on a pair of pajama pants. I can get away with wandering around Hope Island in my boxers, but there are a lot of people here that I don't know. "I'll talk to you in a few minutes."
"Ok."
I click off the phone and run to the Geo Cruiser.
Soon I'm sitting in the Geo Cruiser and setting up the communication link. The screen flashes to life and I see her…looking as beautiful as ever in one of my New York Rangers hoodies.
"Hey Babe. You look good in Red, White, and Blue!"
"HA! Never in a million years Yankee! But you look good in red!" She says, noting my red pajama pants. "And you see, I am fine."
She holds out her arms and turns around in a full circle so I can get a 360 degree view.
"I see," I leer.
"But it is nice to see you and not just hear you…it is more real. I worry about you too while you are over there…what if there is another typhoon?"
"Don't worry. We've been keeping an eye on the weather channel," I yawn.
"You look tired. I should let you get some sleep."
"Trying to get rid of me? Must be a really good book you're reading…is it one of those steamy romance novels?"
"Nyet!"
"No? No love stories about a tough guy from a rough city whose life is changed when he falls for a beautiful, classy, mysterious, foreign girl?" I tease as I lean back in the seat and snuggle into her borrowed shirt, burying my nose in it and taking a deep breath.
"Nyet…that story has not been written yet Yankee…Wheeler?"
I hear her. I'm still a little bit awake…but what else will she say if she thinks I'm asleep?
"Goodnight, Lyubov moy."
There's that word again. But I'm too tired. I can barely stay awake long enough to respond,
"Goodnight, Babe."
I wake up when I hear her voice again.
"Rise and Shine Yankee…you have work to do!"
I stretch and I hear my back crackle and pop like a bowl of Rice Krispies.
I open my eyes to see her smiling back at me on the computer screen.
"Good morning Wheeler. Did you sleep well?"
"I guess…as well as can be expected in an airplane chair! Have you been here the whole time?"
"Da…what else was I going to do here?"
"Surely you could have found something more exciting than watching me sleep?"
"Nyet. I would read my book and check on you…and I had lunch and dinner."
"Good. And you were able to keep it down?" I ask.
"Da…but I have been avoiding the leftover pizza! I do not want to get sick when there is no one here to take care of me."
"What about Gaia?"
"Like I said, I do not want to get sick when there is no one here to take care of me."
I can hear the bitterness in her voice. I wish I was there to take care of her.
"I'm sorry you feel that way Babe," I say. She just nods sadly, so I change the subject. "What time is it?"
"Here? Almost 7pm. Which means it is almost 7am there."
"I guess I should get up and get to work," I complain.
"Da, remember, the sooner you finish…"
"The sooner I can come home…I know…I'll call you again at midnight your time. That's when I'll be taking my lunch break."
"Ok. I will talk to you in five hours then?"
"You bet. Talk to you later Babe."
"Da, be careful Yankee."
"I will. Bye," I say with a wink. I hesitate for a second…I want to blow her a kiss…but that's a little over the top…and cheesy. Besides, I'd rather be there to give her a kiss in person.
"Goodbye."
Today's efforts have focused on rebuilding. It's a mess. The ground is still saturated with water, so it's difficult to get support beams to stay in place. We really have to dig deep. Kwame, Gi, and I have been working together. Gi uses her ring to get rid of the excess water, Kwame uses his ring to make holes and loosen up the dirt, and I use my ring to dry it out. It's working, but it's time consuming.
"Why don't we just call Cap?" I ask.
Kwame answers,
"Because we cannot rely on Captain Planet to fix a problem that we are capable of handling ourselves. So what if it takes us a little longer. We do not have anywhere else that we need to be."
"Speak for yourself," I say under my breath.
"We are on a mission, and unless another, more dire mission comes up, we must devote our time to this one."
"We're bustin' our asses here Kwame! We're no good to anyone if we're too hurt to do anything. And what's the point of having the ability to use Captain Planet if we don't use it! He could have this excess water gone in no time, and then superheat the ground to dry it out."
I look at Gi and Ma-Ti for support. I think Ma-Ti can feel my need to get home.
"Perhaps Wheeler is right Kwame," Ma-Ti says.
"Yeah, it's not about whether or not we can do it, it's about doing it as quickly as we can so these people can get shelter over their heads and get their homes back," Gi adds. "If we had Captain Planet's help, these people will be able to get back to their normal lives."
Thankfully my teammates FINALY back me up on something.
"Hopefully Linka's ring works for Wheeler when it is time to call Captain Planet," Ma-Ti says.
"I guess we will see. Let our powers combine…EARTH!"
"FIRE!…WIND!" I hold my breath and wait for the beam of light to come out of Linka's ring…and smile like an idiot when it does!
"WATER!"
"HEART!"
Captain Planet arrives and does his thing. Just as I predicted, he was able to clear the water, dry the soil, and build many of the homes. He probably would have been able to rebuild them all, except we ran out of supplies.
Great. Now we have to wait around for the next round of supplies to arrive. Oh well, this probably knocked two days off our stay here. It's still too early to call Linka, but I can't wait to tell her about how we were able to call Cap using her ring.
The Red Cross has set up an area for us to get cleaned up at. I didn't get a shower last night when I came back to my room, so I decide to get one now. I'm not a big fan of public showering…there's just something about only being separated from the guy next to you by a thin tarp that doesn't sit well with me. Fortunately, there aren't many people in here now.
I've just finished getting dressed when one of the local women approaches me, scaring me because I don't know where she came from. Has she been in here the whole time? Was she watching me? Weird. She doesn't look like a very reputable character. I've heard stories about some of the residents here showing their "appreciation" to the relief workers. And I can't believe that these so called "humanitarians" are actually taking them up on these offers. I don't know…I guess maybe they think it's the only opportunity they'll ever have. That's mean, but many of these volunteers aren't exactly very…well…I guess the nicest way to describe them would be "socially awkward." But in Brooklyn, we'd just call them "dorks, nerds, geeks...virgins for life," you get the picture.
Anyway, one of the local girls has come up to me, and while I can't understand what she's saying, I can understand what she means. I thought the word "No" was pretty much the same in all languages, but this girl ain't getting' it. And she's persistent.
"No!" I say and push her hands off me, as she follows me out of the tent.
I turn when I hear someone yelling angrily. Some big man grabs the girl by the arm and pulls her away. His girlfriend? His daughter? I'm about to thank him for getting her away from me; I extend my hand to shake his when the next thing I know, he's pulling me towards him and sticking a knife into my side!
I look down in shock as he pulls it out and tries to stab me again. My past as a street kid kicks in and I begin defending myself, knocking the knife out of his hand and dislocating his shoulder as I twist his arm behind his back and knock him to the ground. As we struggle, rolling in the dirt, throwing punches…I can feel the blood trickling down my side. How far did it go in? Did he hit anything vital? A crowd has gathered and they are watching us battle. Finally, people step in and pull us off each other. The girl is screaming and crying, telling her side of the story, undoubtedly lying. I'm trying to tell them what really happened. I don't remember finishing my story.
To Be Continued…
Don't forget, in order to get the full affect of the story, you HAVE TO read Linka's side of the story in Chapter 29 of LouiseX's Codependence.
