Time: 0005\

October 01, 2527\

Aboard the UNSC Excalibur

I never knew just how lonely it would be, traveling by space ship all the freaking time. Eric's trying to help me adjust, I know he is, but there isn't much that can be done. Most of the crew is in cryosleep for the majority of the trip, leaving me alone to wander the halls, thanks to my damn allergy. Going hours without seeing anyone isn't exactly fun. Oh sure, I could go down to engineering and cause all sorts of trouble since I know absolutely nothing about ship maintenance. However, I'm trying to avoid giving those people an excuse to beam me over the head with a wrench. Although, if I'm honest, the wrench would probably be hurt more than I would.

All the same, being alone is clearly not a good idea for me. Mendez never did teach us what to do when we suddenly had time on our hands. Granted, he probably didn't think that would ever happen, but that doesn't exactly help me right now, does it? And don't you roll your eyes at me, okay, I'm trying. Its harder to adjust then I'd thought it would be, true, but I can do this. I just need time and...

Look at me. I'm having an argument with paper and memories. I really have gone off the deep end, haven't I? Remind me to find whomever suggested journaling as a good idea to Eric. Not that a piece of paper can actually remind me, but whatever.

I think the hardest part of this whole thing is knowing that no one knows about me. No one knows I'm still alive. Well, okay, that's not fair. Eric knows, as does Lasky. And Fred. But no one else. I just wish that someone, somewhere, was thinking about me. Loving me. Maybe even praying for me, though that would be a bit strange. I mean, I know we're really, really far apart. It doesn't even matter who I'm talking about, except maybe Eric. He's only three decks away. But everyone else is out there, somewhere, lost in the vastness of space. I can't see them, can't talk to them, can't look up at the same sky and maybe wish on the same star.

Okay, this pity party has gone on long enough. This is pathetic. I'm not this weak; not this dependent. Who cares that the Spartans don't know I'm still alive? Who cares that my blood family thinks I died a long time ago? Who cares that I'm virtually isolated on a ship of over two-thousand soldiers?

...and that's the problem, isn't it. I care.

I don't think they'll ever understand just how badly I wish things could have been different. I mean, I'm not going to lie to myself. If they ever found out the truth, they'd hate me. Every last one of them. I deserted them, my duty, my trainers, oh shit, Mendez would murder me. And he'd make it slow and painful. Maybe death by opera overdose. No, that's to humane for him. Okay, this is going to give me nightmares; time to move on.

I wonder what John would do. Would he yell at me? Punch me? Heh, yeah right. He'd never touch me. At least, I don't think so. Besides, that armor looked like it would hurt if it struck anything. But maybe he wouldn't do anything. Maybe he'd just turn away, pretending I don't exist. Something tells me that would be a lot more painful.

Who am I kidding? It would kill me, which is why I'm not sure I'd blame him. I don't know what he went through, hearing that I had died, but since I ripped his heart out its only fair that he rip out mine. Right? I mean, I know its morbid, but the idea is solid. An eye for an eye. Or, in this case, a shattered heart for a shattered heart. I deserve it. I'm sure you'd all agree. Well, you know, if you were actually here and not just memories bouncing around in my head.

And the most annoying thing of this entire hellhole situation is that I know I deserve the hurt, but I still want to see them. For the love of chocolate, fine! I admit it! I miss my brothers and sisters. I'd go back to them in a second. ONI, not so much, but that's a small price to pay for my family, right?

Maybe I shouldn't hope that I'll see everyone again, but I do. I hope that somehow, someday, (and man, do I hate the word 'some') we can be together again. You know, in that place where dreams come true.

Of course you don't know. You're paper. Time for a walk, before I start talking to the wall.


Babble time: The song this chapter is based on is Somewhere Out There by Linda Ronstadt.