AN: Thank you so much to all the wonderful people who leave me such touching reviews! You cannot imagine how much it means to me.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Blaine has been in a funny mood all day. Which, to be honest, may not be so weird. He is more than familiar with mood swings, anxiety attacks, and sudden blankets of depression being draped over him. Blaine Valério Anderson is no stranger to harsh emotions. What's so peculiar about his current frame of mind is how elevated he feels.
Sure, leaving Bellefontaine is always difficult; it takes some time to adjust to new surroundings and rhythms. Going to his parents' home in LA may be even more difficult so, as he spends most of the year in school. And he expects he'll need some transition time when he returns to his dormitory and class mates later that evening too – but they still feel more like "home" and "family" than the Anderson's do.
Obviously, it had taken some time for Kurt and him to adjust as well. Blaine had tried not to feel hurt when it took time for Kurt to reply to his texts. He knows they have a schedule with program and activities in the ward, and he knows how it is to be dealing with things. Sometimes you're just not up for texting and being social. But when it had been almost three entire days without a single response from Kurt, it had both worried and hurt Blaine. He didn't know what was going on with Kurt, and he knew there was no point calling Margaret or Matthew either. The confidentiality clause makes sure nothing is told, unless you are close family. Of course. And that's a good thing, Blaine wouldn't like if anyone could randomly call and ask if he's had any more freak outs or depression spells. But when you're someone honestly and intensely worrying, it's a stupid policy.
When Blaine hasn't been caught up in concern with Kurt, he's hosted a tremendous pity party. Not completely uncalled for either, in his opinion. He'd felt rejected, ignored, tossed away for each and every minute of silence between Kurt and him. The worst part is not knowing why, not understanding what he'd done or said. The choking feeling of not being good enough is always too quick in its returns, and is one of Blaine's worst enemies. It felt like heartache, to be honest.
Coop had done his best to distract him, and for that Blaine is thankful. It's a long time since they were close as brothers, so for Cooper to reach out a hand and make an effort is appreciated. He stumbles, and sometimes he falls flat on his nose. But he always gets up with a laughter, and tries again. If Blaine hadn't been boarding, maybe they could have bonded better. But if Blaine hadn't boarded… No, this is the best solution. One and a half year left of high school, and then Blaine is headed for law or management at UCLA, before taking up the internship in San Francisco which his father has developed for him, and eventually going into business full-time. So, he has plenty of future planned out ahead of him in LA, and he can get closer to Cooper then. For now, he'll focus on completing high school and fighting his inner demons.
He checks his beloved pocket watch. It's set to Ohioan time zone, so he doesn't have to remember the three hours in difference. It's Sunday and no officially scheduled activities at Bellefontaine, and they're halfway between lunch and dinner there. Maybe Kurt is available for some texting?
He sends a simple "how are you"-text, while he wonders what Kurt is doing, and how he's coping. Have any new kids arrived? Did Kurt get to keep their room? Kurt had loved the ensuite bathroom, so Blaine hopes so. He misses Kurt, and a selfish part of him hopes Kurt misses him too. But he doesn't really believe it. The three days of silence is one proof Kurt wasn't as desperate as Blaine to have the other in their life and in their daily routines. Kurt probably had a lot of friends and family visiting as well. Maybe he's been playing more Scrabble with Jenny and Sandy. Come to think of it - did he understand what Blaine was trying to tell him with the seven Scrabble-letters?
Blaine smiles fondly at the thought of Kurt. After he'd joined them in the gym on Tuesday, he hopes he joined that specific activity on Friday as well, even though he'd avoided it thus far. Maybe they had been doing yoga, he's sure Kurt would enjoy that. Blaine has no doubt Kurt made some wonderful pastries earlier that day as well. He'd disclosed to Blaine how much he loved spending time in the kitchen, and cookies were one of his guilty pleasures. Maybe he's in the common's room now, eating leftovers from Friday's kitchen activity with the rest of the kids.
Hopefully they still have some frost and snow, and maybe they have been out on a walk this weekend. Hopefully Kurt wore more safe boots than he did on their coffee outing. Not that Blaine minded one bit to support him on the slippery surface, but of course he can't do that now, so Kurt needs to walk carefully to avoid breaking a leg. Blaine smiles as he pictures Kurt with red cheeks from the cold, the bottom half of his face covered in a soft cashmere scarf.
How are your preparations going? Are you ready for your exams? Kurt
Blaine grins. It's nice to have someone wondering, worrying, caring, asking. Sure, his parents will grill him about the upcoming exams during dinner later on, but Kurt has no obligations to ask, and Blaine thinks Kurt honestly wants to know.
I'm trying to take a day away from the books today, not overheating my brain before tomorrow. Blaine
I understand. It's easy to strain a rarely used muscle. ;)
That cheeky little… Blaine laughs out loud, and types so fast he has to rewrite the text twice to make it sound English.
"Such a silly grin on your face, little brother!"
Blaine squints up to his open bedroom door.
"Is my happiness offending you?" he winks.
"Not at all, Squirt. Is it loverboy?" Cooper asks, as Blaine's mobile alerts them of an incoming text again.
Blaine huffs, but his blushing hue betrays him.
"I'm glad to see you're talking again. Just, promise me one thing?"
Cooper sounds so concerned; Blaine has no choice but to give him his undivided attention.
"Close the door when you have phone sex?"
Blaine desperately wishes he had several bricks lying around in his bed, instead of the throw pillows.
Kurt is trying, he really is.
Both Margaret and Tim have gently forced him to come out of his room to spend time in the common's room. He doesn't see why. If he lays silent in the bed in his room or if he sits like a mute on the couch in the common's room – what's the difference?
Margaret had said it would be nice for him to get some new impulses, and Kurt had asked what he needed them for. Margaret had suggested he might be inspired. Tim had said they needed some more testosterone to counteract all the lady-gossiping, to which Kurt had snorted, given himself an onceover, and looked pointedly at Tim. The nurse had just shrugged, and challengingly said he was confident he'd find a conversation topic they could both participate in.
It turns out Tim's father is a car mechanic in Columbus.
For dinner, they get a real treat hospital-food-wise: Roast, with mashed potatoes and vegetables. To Kurt's surprise, he manages to stomach almost a third of his plate. For dessert they get chocolate pudding, and Kurt manages to finish a spoonful before feeling queasy.
After dinner, they are allowed to watch TV. The girls minus Izabelle beg for a marathon of How Do I Look? Kurt has no strong opinions for or against it, and settles down in the couch with the book Blaine gave him. It's finally possible to read it, without tearing up. His eyes and brain get tired easily, though, so he can't read more than ten-twelve pages before he needs a break from the intense concentration.
It's those breaks that manage to capture his attention on the TV, and without realizing it he's beginning to mutter comments under his breath.
"You could totally be the next Jeannie Mai," Jenny gushes. "But please, make a male version of it. So many men don't know how to dress, and we girls like to watch something appealing."
"Tell me about it," Kurt shivers, and thinks about the numerous fashion faux pas' walking down the hallways of McKinley. "Look at that ma, for instance. How dare he enter his little sister and mock her wardrobe, when he is aware of being on TV and still wears beige jeans and that shirt making his skin look dead? And for the love of anything beautiful, give him a mirror. If you're going to wear the blazer unbuttoned, please don't wear one revealing you have at least eight inches too much waist to be able to button it."
"I try to coach my boyfriend into wearing something more fashionable, and it makes me feel so vain," Sandy sighs. "But I'm just so tired of constantly seeing those baggy jeans and plaid oversized flannel shirts."
"Add the hat, and you have your own personal lumberjack," Jenny giggles.
"Girl, there's nothing wrong with wanting your boyfriend to dress decent. After all, you're the one who have to expose your eyes to such monstrosities," Kurt concurs.
"Yeah, and if he needs an incentive, let him know it's far more fun if you get to undress pretty clothes," Jenny winks.
Both Sandy and Kurt blush at that comment.
"It's true," Jenny shrugs unfazed, winking at them.
It's close to bedtime, or at least the hour when Margaret and Tim suggest they go to bed. Kurt's inner clock is fairly confused and out of order after the last week, but he's promised to try. He doesn't feel as exhausted as he was, with the need to sleep 24/7, although he's more than tired after spending several hours with company.
Kurt has stepped out of the bathroom after a long and hot shower, and is slowly being lulled into a sleepy state, and he's actually looking forward to curling up in bed.
Out of habit, he checks the phone on the bedside table. He'd been texting excessively with Blaine earlier that day, but then the other boy had excused himself to have dinner with his family. Well, they've been texting excessively since Blaine was at the beach and they started throwing Katy Perry and Lady Gaga-lyrics at each other. Blaine hadn't mentioned Kurt's request to call him, and Kurt chose to ignore himself. He doesn't quite know what to say anymore, anyway. Initially, he'd wanted to apologize and see how the boy was doing, explain his absence and silence. But now… He knows how Blaine is doing, and it seems as if their friendly banter is back to where it was, even if it is by text and not face to face. So, why poke the potential beehive? Besides, Kurt feels humiliated by how low he could go, and doesn't want to investigate it any further than having difficulties with changes and missing a friend.
He has one missed call, almost 20 minutes ago, from Blaine. Then a text right after, from the same one.
I'm sorry if I disturbed you, I guess it's later than I realized. I just wanted to wish you a good night. So. Sweet dreams!
Kurt glares at the phone with suspicion. Blaine's never called him before. Not to say good night, not to say good morning, not to anything. Not ever.
His thumb hits the call-button before it's a conscious decision. It takes a maximum of five seconds for Blaine to answer.
"Kurt?" he exhales with so much wonder in his voice, as if he can't believe it's him, even though he clearly must have caught a glimpse of the caller-ID before answering.
"Hi Blaine," Kurt says softly, and curls up in bed, deep under the covers. He doesn't want to lose the warm and nice feeling he got from the shower.
"I'm so sorry I woke you up!" Blaine rushes out.
"You didn't," Kurt hurriedly interrupts. "I was in the shower."
"Oh." Kurt can hear Blaine's breathe into the microphone. "Do you still have the same room?"
Kurt hums to hide a yawn.
"Good. That's good. You do like that bathroom," he chuckles.
"I do," Kurt agrees airily. "So, are we going to dwell on the luxury of having a private bathroom, or are you going to tell me what's wrong?"
"Wrong?" Blaine splutters. "Why do you think anything's wrong?"
"Blaine," Kurt says firmly. "You've never called me before. Maybe I should be flattered, but I don't believe for one second you only called for polite greetings."
"Is this weird?" Blaine asks hesitantly.
"What should be weird?" Kurt blinks several times in confusion.
"Us talking on the phone…"
"It's not weird; I like it. Now stop deflecting, and tell me how you are."
"Pushy!"
Kurt forces his lips tight together, but giggles escape down the phone line. Blaine makes a confused sound.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you just made me remember something funny. Something embarrassing. But funny. I think."
"That doesn't make me the least curious," Blaine drawls.
"If I tell, do you promise to say what's bothering you afterwards?"
"You drive a hard bargain, Hummel," Blaine quips.
"And?"
"OK," he sighs. "Bring your best."
"So, imagine yours truly as a young, inexperienced sophomore. His five Glee-friends and he wanted to recruit more members, so during this school assembly we got our few minutes of spotlight."
Kurt tells Blaine about how they had performed Push It, the singing and dancing, and the reactions they got from both the students and teachers. Even though a lot of people had liked it, it didn't make them more popular, though. But, they got three new members out of it, although it mostly was because the cheerleaders were jealous control freaks who needed to monitor Quinn's boyfriend.
He can hear Blaine swallow heavily before he answers.
"Wow. Just… Wow! Your director really let you do that in front of the entire school?"
"Pssh, please, he didn't know anything about it. We hijacked the performance, thought we knew better than him… Now, spill, what's bugging you?"
"I hate your memory and attention span," Blaine mutters.
"Yeah, well, some things are worth remembering," Kurt answers without thinking.
They are both silent for a beat or two.
"Anyway, about your day…"
"So I was thinking…"
They talk simultaneously, both interrupting the other, before laughter overtakes them.
"I guess I better uphold my end of the deal," Blaine eventually says.
"That would be nice," Kurt agrees.
"Honestly, I don't even know why I called. I guess I just needed to talk with someone… friendly."
Kurt doesn't say anything, but lets Blaine rant and find the words in his own pace.
"I've been in my parents' house since Wednesday, but am back in school now. My exams start tomorrow… And I… I just don't want to disappoint my dad, you know?"
Kurt hums to show he's listening, and wonders if Blaine's father has said anything to upset the boy. From what he's told before, his father isn't the most sympathetic guy, and has a fairly strict plan laid out for his son. Kurt's gotten the impression his parents push and push, and are never satisfied with his son's efforts and achievements, always pointing at rooms for improvement.
"I'm so nervous, Kurt…"
"Oh Blaine… This is your junior year, you still have plenty of time to ace your exams; this isn't the end of the world. And your parents have to remember that you've been here, you can't be expected to be as prepared as the other students."
"They don't even understand why I've been to Bellefontaine," he scoffs. "They don't acknowledge that I'm sick. They think this is just me being lazy and obstinate."
Kurt gasps.
"Blaine…"
The boy repeats some of the things his father had lectured him during dinner, and Kurt has to fight back tears. Blaine, however, has lost his battle, and Kurt can hear him sniffing, imagines tears are trickling down his face.
"Blaine. Blaine, honey, listen to me, OK?" Kurt waits for a moment, until the other boy is breathing more calmly. "None of the things your father says are true. You are smart, you are driven, you work hard, you'll get far, and you can get further than to the finish line your father has set up for you. I don't recognize any of the things he says to you. You. Are. Perfect. Just the way you are. Do you hear me?"
Blaine chuckles, and starts humming the P!nk-song they sang together earlier in the ward.
"Don't you ever forget that, OK?"
"It goes for you too, you know," Blaine says softly, interrupted by his own yawn.
Kurt pretends he doesn't hear him.
"Blaine… Can… Can I sing a song? To you?"
"Kurt…" the other boy whispers with so much reverence, as if he can't believe Kurt is asking him that question.
Kurt can't blame him, he's surprised even himself. He knows what he's told Blaine about singing, but he is desperate to make the other boy feel better.
"I… I want you to close your eyes. And listen. Just listen. And if you happen to fall asleep, that's OK. That's good," Kurt stutters.
"Thank you so much, Kurt!"
"I haven't sung anything yet."
"I know it'll be perfect."
"Oh… Well, anyway, good luck tomorrow, and sweet dreams. Or I'll talk to you afterwards. Depending on if you fall asleep or not, you know."
"Your rambling is adorable," Blaine laughs teasingly. "Now, lullaby me. And good night, Kurt."
Kurt takes a deep breath, before he starts singing the slow, low, mellow, but yet hopeful part of a mash-up he did with Rachel two years ago.
"Forget your troubles. Come on get happy. You better chase all your cares away. Shout hallelujah. Come on get happy. Get ready for the judgment day."
Kurt isn't particularly fond of religious songs, obviously, but he hopes Blaine can take it for the sentiment he wants to give off.
He can't resist adding the ending of the duet as Rachel and he did it.
"Happy times, happy nights, happy days are here again!"
He finishes the song, and all he can hear is the soft sounds of Blaine breathing.
"Blaine?" he whispers carefully, not wanting to rouse the boy.
Nothing.
He smiles fondly, and ends the call.
Next morning, Kurt wakes up to a text from Blaine.
I love Judy Garland.
Kurt snickers as he types out a reply.
I'm glad you do, Gene Kelly.
Blaine is busy with his first exam that day, so it isn't until much later Kurt gets a reply. A text that makes him blush far below his belt.
I'm glad I met you. You wonderful you. I can't forget you. You wonderful you. So glad I found you. You wonderful you. Remember Finders' keepers Loosers weepers. And because it's true. You're mine now. You wonderful you.
The week is difficult.
It is straining and tiring to be back in school, for Blaine. He isn't used to that much mental activity for such a long period of time, and he feels completely drained after each exam. He always sleeps for a couple of hours, before calling Kurt to get his mind on something else. They talk about their days, and sometimes one of them needs to cry a little, and sometimes one of them is all giddy and giggly. Sometimes one of them – or rather both – are exhausted, and just needs a distraction. So they talk about music, Broadway, LGBT politics, friends, fashion. They share silly knock knock-jokes, Kurt helps Blaine prepare for his French exam over the phone, and they challenge each other to find the best example of exactly how annoying Sarah can be.
One night, Blaine falls asleep during their conversation again. One evening, he's too upset to be able to talk, and they end up texting for a couple of hours instead. One evening, it's Kurt who can't, or rather, won't, talk.
Talking with Kurt is a wonderful distraction, but as soon as they hang up, Blaine is back to worrying about how he did on his exam that day, worrying about how he'll do on the exam tomorrow, worrying about when he'll get the results back, and worrying about telling his parents how it went.
His friends try to cheer him up and keep him busy, but he's just so tired after the exam, he mostly wants to sit alone in his room. It's overwhelming to be back in school, among bustling, boisterous boys. Thankfully, he has the best friends in the world, and they cancel the welcome back-party they usually throw for him. Instead, his closest friends order a bunch of pizzas, pop endless amounts of pop corn, and sit down for a Harry Potter marathon, beginning as soon as they've handed in their exam on Friday, and lasting the entire weekend.
No matter how occupied they try to keep him, and no matter how much he worries, his thoughts still stray to Kurt now and then. It's good to know the boy is only a text away, when the need to be with his new friend is too strong. Kurt doesn't always reply immediately, which Blaine understands – they have programs, activities and appointments at Bellefontaine. They have meals to eat, and Kurt had told he sometimes naps during the day. So, no, he doesn't always reply at once, but he always replies. And Blaine loves how he is slowly beginning to trust Kurt to not abandon him again, trust the friendship they have, and ultimately feeling good enough, for once.
The week is difficult.
The staff is notoriously encouraging and challenging Kurt to push his own boundaries. They use care and cleverness to help him back on his feet.
He has to sit through some difficult conversations with doctor Whimchester. First, he's just numb, and listens half heartedly to what the man has to say, and refuses to answer his questions. Eventually, the doctor manages to hit the right buttons, which makes Kurt open up and answer. It also opens up his tear ducts. Thomas is always there to pick his pieces up and help him glue himself back together. It's like a bad cop good cop-routine. Doctor Whimchester asks all the touchy questions, and Thomas comforts him. Doctor Whimchester challenges him with difficult questions, and Thomas supports him and helps his stumbling search for the words.
Later in the week, Kurt is fed up with crying, and he gets angry during the therapy sessions. He throws hissy fits, he yells, and just wants to sling something breakable to the wall. He curses Karofsky up and down, before dissolving in tears and realizing he actually feels somewhat sorry for the closeted jerk. Then his anger is directed at McKinley, at the administration, at the teachers, at everybody who let everything pass and happen in the school hallways. He paints colourful descriptions of the "hell hole", and both doctor Whimchester and Thomas let him vent, let him rant, let him get it all out of the system. His main emotion has for such a long time been fear. Finally, he's safe enough to let some of the anger take over the dominant position.
On Tuesday, Kurt's father comes to visit again. They talk for an hour in Kurt's room. Mostly, Burt updates his son on the garage, on Carole, on Finn, on neighbourhood gossip, and whatever Glee gossip he's been able to catch. He doesn't ask Kurt any deep questions; he's just there for him, showing him he's loved. Right then, that's everything Kurt needs. Someone's presence to be silent with, someone's presence to just be with. No expectations, no demands, no requirements.
Finally, Burt has to leave, saying he has an appointment with doctor Whimchester, and Kurt snarkily asks if his coocoo head is contagious.
On Wednesday, Blaine asks if he's had any coffee lately, and Kurt has to admit he hasn't been brave enough.
Friday, Burt is back. Kurt is beginning to feel guilty for all the hours his father must be away from the garage, just to be able to visit him during the day. The drive alone is two hours. His father tells him not to worry, that the importance of his son can't compare to that of the garage, they aren't even competing in the same league. If Kurt is NFL, his garage is the little league. Kurt thinks he gets what his father is trying to say.
Instead of sitting in the conversation room, Kurt shakily suggests they go outside. He'd mentioned Blaine's loyalty cards to doctor Whimchester, and the man had encouraged Kurt to seek out one of the coffee shops. As long as he told someone in the staff where he went and when he'd be back, he would be allowed to leave the ward unaccompanied. The doctor obviously thought he was giving Kurt a gift. Kurt thought he was given a curse. But going with his father would hopefully make for a smoother transition back to the real world.
Burt admits he almost gets dizzy from all the options the barista offers, and don't they have just coffee? Kurt doesn't want to hear him utter the words "medium drip", so he orders him a decaf. Because, seriously; with his heart, he can choose between that and green tea. So Burt accepts the wannabe-coffee.
They sit down by a secluded table, with their coffees and a plate of cookies Burt sneakily managed to order. For a while they continue the conversation they held on their walk to the coffee shop, with the usual updates. Not that much has happened in the two days since Burt's last visit, but the conversation flows fairly easily.
"Have you thought about coming home?"
Kurt watches his father guardedly. Just a couple of days ago, Blaine and he had talked about Christmas and childhood memories. Kurt had for a fleeting moment wondered how Christmas at the ward would be. It's less than two weeks left.
"No," he answers. "It's not up to me."
"Would you be opposed to coming home, if given the alternative?"
Kurt continues to watch his father, hesitantly, searchingly, trying to figure him out.
"Who have you been talking with?"
"The doc," Burt answers calmly. "We discussed discharge and further therapy when I met with him the other day."
"Shouldn't I have been part of that discussion?" Kurt bites, feeling treated like a child.
"And what do you think this is?" Burt sighs, but stays calm. "We haven't decided anything, and now's your chance to tell us what you'd prefer."
"I'm not ready to go back to McKinley," Kurt says warningly.
"I know. I'm not ready to let you go back either. We'll see after Christmas. Let me deal with that, for now we're talking about you coming home, to your family. Nothing more."
"But I'm not… I'm still…"
"They're not supposed to fix you completely, son. It'll take time; a depression isn't something you just shake off of you."
"So I just have to wait and see if things get better?"
Kurt is both confused and hurt; he was hoping it would be easier than this. He's not a very patient boy.
"Kurt, listen. Doctor Whimchester thinks you are ready to go home, and we are prepared to help you with whatever he suggests. He'll suggest seeing a psychiatrist as often as you need to digest the real world, but he also thinks it's important you start getting back to the real world. You're sheltered here, you know."
Kurt nods. He does know.
"So… If I go home with you now, I don't have to go back to McKinley on Monday? And I'll still have someone from Bellefontaine helping me?"
The thought of losing the therapy he's gotten from the staff, makes him realize how valuable and helpful it really has been to him.
"You need time, Kurt. Besides, it can't be much more than a week left of school before your winter break. Forget about McKinley." Burt reaches out a hand to take Kurt's, and squeezes it comfortingly. "You don't have to come home with me today. Let the idea buzz in your head, get used to it, and we'll see how you feel about it in a couple of days. The doc thinks you're ready, but you have to realize that you still have to fight this battle on the outside. Can you do that?"
Kurt lays his hand on top of his fathers.
"I'll talk with them. About this," he says, and nods his head in the assumed direction of where the ward is.
That night finds Kurt awake way past midnight. His father has given him a lot to think about.
Are you awake?
He texts Blaine, although he doesn't expect an answer. It should be close to ten PM in LA now.
I am. HP marathon with the guys. He's just started writing in the diary with Tom Riddle :) Why are YOU up?
Kurt chuckles at the thought of his geeky friend, and replies.
Just thinking.
Aww. About me?
You wish…
Hey, you're the one that texted me. So. What's new?
Kurt starts composing a text, but realizes it's too difficult, and he needs too many words.
Can I call you?
Two minutes later, Blaine calls him.
"Hey, sorry, I had to find somewhere quiet."
"I didn't mean to interrupt your Harrython…"
"Don't be silly, I've seen those movies more times than I'd care to admit. How are you, Kurt?" he asks, and his voice is so compassionate, and so soft, and so velvety, and so honestly caring, and Kurt just wants to drown in him and let Blaine help him with everything difficult.
"How was it to go home, after the first time you were here?"
"Have they mentioned discharging you?"
Kurt nods.
"Are you nodding?" Blaine asks, obviously amused.
"Oh," Kurt blushes, "yeah."
"What worries you?"
"Everything?" Kurt answers, and he's so glad Blaine doesn't laugh at him.
"That's quite an order to help you with."
"Amateur," Kurt scoffs, making Blaine giggle. "I guess I'm worried about how people will act around me, how they'll look at me, you know?"
"Oh Kurt," Blaine says tenderly. "That I get."
"How was that for you?" Kurt whispers, afraid to ask such a personal question.
"I transferred school straight out of Bellefontaine, so nobody knew me, and I could paint my own story. I didn't have to reveal anything until I trusted my new friends."
"Did you maintain contact with any of your old school friends?"
"No," Blaine snaps, and Kurt realizes this must have something to do with the beating Blaine had told him about, the Sadie Hawkins-dance.
"Do people treat you differently whenever you come back to school?" he asks, hoping to lessen the tension he ca feel seeping through the phone.
"Not deliberately, I think," Blaine answers hesitantly. "My closest friends are a mean pack of mother hens, but they don't treat me like a fragile egg. Although they do try to tune in on my needs whenever I come back, like now."
"They seem great," Kurt smiles, glad to know Blaine has good friends during the day, when he obviously has to go home to a less supportive and accepting family. "What about the other students?"
"Umm… My best friends are kind of popular in school, so I think that gives me some status and protection, you know?"
Oh… Kurt can't really say that's something familiar he can hope to achieve at McKinley. Rather, he can readily imagine all the new taunts and nicknames they'll come up with for him. One has to admire the creativity of the jocks…
"Kurt… Your family and some of your friends have visited you, and that seemed to go OK. Don't you think it'll be the same when you're home?"
Kurt swallows, once more, wishing he had a glass of water close by.
"I guess…"
"Remind Thomas to make a transfer-plan for you, that'll help. If you go home with a ready plan and appointments, it'll be easier. If you already have some shape of your upcoming days, you aren't left to the mercy of your own initiatives and efforts."
"Thank you, Blaine," Kurt says sweetly.
"Don't mention it, Silly."
"I'll let you get back to enjoy the Basilisk."
Blaine laughs out loud.
"Kurt Hummel, was that a dirty joke?" he hisses, probably clutching his stomach from laughter, Kurt can only imagine.
"Blaine…" Kurt groans.
"Oh, oh, I know that one – you're Moaning Myrtle," Blaine giggles.
"Well, wanna Slytherin?" Kurt asks, biting his lower lip and hoping Blaine's reaction won't kill him from embarrassment.
"Save a broom; ride a Quidditch player," Blaine grins.
"'Cause you're such a Keeper, aren't you, baby?" Kurt drawls.
"Oh, you know it," Blaine says, putting on a rich southern accent, and Kurt thinks he can hear him snap a sassy Z.
"Hey Blaine? Thanks for being my friend."
"Thank you for being my friend."
Saturday morning, Kurt wakes up feeling strangely calm. Last night's conversation with Blaine had been comforting and reassuring, even though their transferring-back-to-the-real-world-situations can't be compared at all.
His phone must have been busy all night, because he has several new texts. He gets comfortable under the covers again, enjoying that last post-sleep drowsiness and heat, before Margaret or Tim surely will remind him of breakfast.
The two first texts are from Blaine, with some quotes making Kurt believe they managed to finish The Prisoner of Azkaban before they went to bed. He answers with a couple of other, fitting quotes from the movies.
The third is from Finn, asking if he can borrow clean socks. He wants to reply something snarky about borrowing dirty socks, but ends up with a quick "Sure".
The fourth text is from Tina, asking if she can come visiting again. He'll have to ask someone from the staff before he can answer that one.
Later that day finds Kurt pacing restlessly in front of a coffee shop. He has a loyalty card in his back pocket, and will claim his free coffee. Unfortunately, he miscalculated how long it would take to walk from the ward, so he was ten minutes early and waits impatiently for Tina.
He doesn't like standing idle on the pavement, without anything to do. He would prefer to be in motion, be on his way, constantly being somewhere else than where he is. Staying in one place is dangerous. It draws attention, it makes him noticeable, and someone taking offence can act on it.
He wrings his hands, and his eyes dart in every direction. He knows he must look like a lunatic, but he just doesn't feel comfortable. He can't go inside to wait either, as Tina was afraid she wouldn't find the place in a strange city, so he'd promised to wait outside.
A hand touches his elbow from behind, and he jumps in the air.
"I'm sorry, Kurt", Tina apologizes, and he smiles reassuringly at her.
"It's OK, you just startled me."
She looks at him for a moment, and nods.
"Shall we?" she asks and gestures at the door to the coffee shop next to them.
After ordering their coffees, where Kurt again pays for his with one of the loyalty cards he got from Blaine, they sit down by a table. Kurt had wanted to sit more secluded in a corner, but that table was occupied by someone working franticly on a laptop. That's the only reasons he's sitting in the middle of the room. He made sure to sit down with his face towards the door, though, so he can remain some sense of control.
"It's really sweet of you to come all the way out here," he says softly, but she waves him off.
"Of course I'll come visit you. You're my friend," she says easily. "So, how are you?"
"I'm… better," he concludes after thinking for a while. "I had some rough days, but all in all I feel better now."
"I'm glad," she smiles softly, and takes his hand on the table. "Do you know how long you'll be staying?"
Kurt smiles crookedly, scrunching up his nose.
"Actually, they've talked about discharging me soon."
"How do you feel about that?" she asks casually, and Kurt could kiss her for not jumping to conclusions.
"I'm scared," he admits. "Nothing's really changed, you know." He looks pleadingly at her, wanting her to understand what he's talking about, without having to mention him or anything else.
"It'll be fine," Tina tries to reassure him. "Mike and the other guys say they've got your back. They'll protect you, and act as your security guards."
"Although it could be fun to dress them up in matching black button ups and dark aviators, I don't see how it'll work. I'll be on my own sooner or later. And I…" he sighs frustrated. "I just want to be free, you know? Carefree and relaxed, not having to worry or being circled by bodyguards."
"I understand," Tina says intently, squeezing his hand.
"Do you, now?" he snaps, and yanks his hand loose.
Sure, everybody in Glee got slushied and taunted. But can they really understand what he went through?
"I may not understand the details. But I do know how it is to walk down the hallways with everybody starring, you know? Because of the clothes I wear, because the girls are jealous of a nobody like me dating Mike the footballer. It would be nice to be left alone, for once."
They smile sadly at each other, both thinking about the time they performed Bad Romance.
"Does Figgins still think you're a vampire?"
"Let's just say I haven't done much to clear up the misunderstanding," she grins wickedly, and he laughs out loud.
Startled, he slams a hand in front of his mouth, and throws quick glances around the coffee shop.
"It's OK, you know. You're allowed to laugh and be here."
He shakes his head. For so long he's been beaten down purely for existing, and even though he tried to become invisible, it didn't help. It's difficult to feel comfortable about taking space and risk getting someone's attention. He never knows if that attention will be good or bad.
He promised to be back in the ward within two hours, so he bid farewell to Tina in due time and walked back. He had tried to keep his pulse regular on the walk, but it was difficult. It's been so long since he's been outside, not to mention out in the streets on his own. He ended up calling Blaine, pretending to be curious about the current status of their Harrython, but Blaine had seen right through it.
"You only want me for my distracting capacities," he'd sassed, making Kurt giggle.
"You know me so well, Anderson," he'd smirked back, and just like that they had continued their easy banter until Kurt was back in his room at the ward.
Later that evening, Thomas sat down with Kurt to plan out what he could do to make the transition out of the ward easier.
"Are you good at sticking to plans?" he'd asked.
"Usually," Kurt had replied hesitantly, knowing he's not in the same persistent state of mind as he used to be.
"I want us to make a plan for the first seven days you're back home. I want us to find something you promise to do, at least one bullet point per day. It'll help you get out of bed and get out of the house. To fight against your depression, it's important that you get back in the everyday saddle. You have to push yourself a bit, get out and experience things."
"You make it sound so easy to get sane again," Kurt had chuckled, self-patronisingly.
"Doesn't it?" Thomas had snickered. "But I'm serious. Therapy is all good, but you need to do an active effort as well. It'll be difficult, but if we have this plan, at least you don't have to use any energy figuring out what to do, it'll help you ease into a pattern."
So they had sat down and made a plan for his return to Lima. Go to the Lima Bean one day. Christmas gift shopping another day. Go to the movies a third day. And so on. He didn't even have to do it alone; Thomas encouraged him to spend time with friends.
"You'll continue your therapy, so you'll always have someone to talk to. And doctor Whimchester has talked to your family, so they know what to prepare and how to help you. You'll do great," Thomas had promised.
Kurt wasn't so sure, though.
He still isn't sure, lying in his bed and starring at the ceiling. He's nervous. It's frightening as hell. He doesn't know what to expect at all, and that scares the living daylight out of him. He doesn't know how his friends will act, he doesn't have much experience living with Carole and Finn, he doesn't know how his father really his doing and how this has affected his heart, and he can't stop worrying about school.
Different scenarios about everything that can go wrong keep pestering his mind, until he finally falls asleep.
Sunday is a lazy Sunday.
And Kurt is going to make it. He's going to leave the ward, all alone, find the last coffee shop where he can get a free drink with the loyalty card, sit there for an hour with a book, all alone, and walk back to the ward. He can do it.
Soon.
He keeps giving himself pep-talks, but sadly that's not one of his stronger sides. Tim notices how he's muttering to himself, though, and sits down next to him on the couch.
"You want me to sing Gonna Fly Now for you?"
"Huh?"
"You know… Na naa nanana na na na na na" Tim starts humming.
Kurt can't help but smile as it dawns on him which song Tim is giving to him – the Rocky theme.
"Thank you," he says and shakes his head from laughter.
"Anytime," Tim grins and offers a fist.
Kurt rolls his eyes and bumps the fist with his own, and sends a fleeting thought to Finn.
"So, what are you waiting for?" Tim asks, almost shooing him out.
"Hey!" Kurt objects indignantly. "I'm not ready!"
"You're never going to feel ready, so you might just as well jump to it."
Kurt mutters something unintelligible, but glares playfully at the nurse.
"Let me get my stuff from my room first," he relents, and drags his feet across the room to pick up his book, wallet and phone.
"Godspeed!" Tim greets cheekily as Kurt leaves, and a part of him wants to flip the man off, but in the last second he decides he's better than that.
Kurt's clutching the book to his chest with both hands, and walks stiffly down the pavement. For some reason, it feels more daunting today than yesterday, when he knew he'd be meeting up with Tina. Today, he's all on his own, and it makes him feel really lonely. Unprotected. Exposed. Glowingly visible.
His head is downcast, and he tries telling himself it is to better see where he's putting his feet, but the pavement is bare and safe. It's the faces of the passerby's he tries to avoid.
He ends up in the wrong street at the first attempt. He isn't familiar with this place at all, and was trying to follow Tim's instructions from earlier. He looks around him to orient himself, and when he spots the big mall two blocks away he knows where he went wrong. Luckily. He wouldn't like to get lost. Of course he could call the ward to have someone help him. Or he could ask a stranger. But he'd like to avoid pulling attention to himself, and he'd like to not show any sign of vulnerability.
Startled, Kurt realizes this must be how Blaine feels all the time when he's outside, and his daily outings make perfectly sense. Kurt's never been afraid of going outside before, and has always been able to hold his own, but after almost three weeks in the ward, he's a bit jumpy. He really hopes it'll pass. Being petrified in school is more than enough.
Finally, he's in the right place. He walks in, and is glad to see it's not too crowded on this Sunday afternoon. There's only a couple before him in the queue, and several tables are available for him to sit down by.
Soon after, he's pierced in a corner with his grande non-fat mocha and a tempting piece of raspberry cheese cake. So sue him, why shouldn't he get to enjoy some comfort food when he's doing something scary. Hopefully his hesitance to have a coffee in public will vanish quickly, or he'll get fat. The Discworld-book is resting next to the plate.
On impulse, he snaps a picture of the items on the table, and sends it to Blaine, with the caption Thank you for a great treat ;)
Kurt has read exactly five pages and enjoyed one rich spoonful of cake when he gets the reply.
You're very welcome. Although I can't remember anything about making a cake. How peculiar.
No, that was my added touch. I would offer you a slice, but…
You can make it up to me the next time I see you.
Deal. :)
Kurt sighs sadly. He would never hesitate to whip together a delicious cake for Blaine, but he doubts he'll ever get to see him again.
Kurt takes his time to finish the cake, while reading the book and nursing his coffee. He's anxiously paying attention to his phone as well, hoping time will go by quicker, so he can allow himself to get up and leave.
For every person entering the coffee shop, he quickly glances up to see. It's not like he knows anyone in Bellefontaine, neither friendly persons nor bullies, he just likes to keep control of his surroundings. Eventually, the book captivates him enough to distract him, though, and he forgets about keeping his guard that much up. The next time he checks his phone, he realizes he's been in the coffee house for one and a half hour. He savours the last piece of cake, letting it melt in his mouth, and fill him with all the tastes. He throws away the coffee cup, tucks the book firmly under his arm, and leaves the place with a light heart. He survived this, too. Maybe surviving isn't the worst a person can experience.
Songs mentioned/lyrics from:
P!nk – Perfect
Judy Garland – Get Happy
Barbra Streisand – Happy Days Are Here Again
Judy Garland & Gene Kelly – You Wonderful You
Bill Conti – Gonna Fly Now
