Note: The story is not dead. I did not give up on it. I am not dead. I'll provide a better whiny excuse at the bottom for yesterday's lack of update.

We now return you to your originally scheduled insanity.


"This doesn't strike anyone else as a bad idea?" Alex leaned on the table, eyeing the gathered crew before letting his stare settle on Shepard. Why she called these little meetings was beyond him. Not everyone ever showed up; usually it was just him, Jacob, the Cerberus Bitch, and Mordin that deigned to arrive.

And he'd only come because he'd been bored.

"EDI assures us it's safe, Alex," Shepard insisted, not looking entirely convinced.

The Bitch chose this moment to speak up. "The Illusive Man had EDI installed for this very purpose, Commander. He wouldn't have cut corners with something of this importance."

Alex paused. Wait. The Illusive Man knew we'd need the IFF? And he didn't say anything? He snorted. Selfish bastard.

Alex had never spoken to Timmy, as he'd come to affectionately refer to Cerberus' elusive leader, but he'd heard enough stories from Shepard and enough worship from the Bitch to know he was only as trustworthy as a rabid varren. Alex stared thoughtfully at the table. If Timmy was Cerberus' middle head, who were the other two? You couldn't very well name yourself after the three-headed guard dog of hell and only have a single person in control.

He filed the question away for later. He'd find out who pulled the strings, if only because they'd managed to dig up enough dirt on him to point Shepard in his direction.

"It's still Reaper tech," Alex pointed out. "Shouldn't we test it first before we plug it into our ship's AI? What if it's rigged to explode, or what if it's actually a homing beacon in disguise? Wouldn't that be a bad thing?"

"EDI ran tests on it, Alex," Shepard sighed, "She didn't find anything out of the ordinary besides the obvious. She's going to integrate it; should be ready in a few hours."

Alex drummed his fingers on the tabletop, not responding. Something didn't feel right. Something nagged at the back of his head where he pushed the less savory personalities he consumed, but damn if he knew what it was. But Shepard was the Commander, and she'd proven to be at least moderately capable when it came to making enlightened decisions.

"All right," he finally growled, "but when the ship goes up in flames don't come crying to me." He turned and stalked back to the elevator, twitchy in a way that he almost never was. This was how he'd felt on the Reagan, how he'd felt when he first laid eyes on Greene, when he heard the nuke detonate underwater too close for him to outrun.

It was a very distinct feeling, and one he was all too familiar with.

Shit's about to get real.


Alex paced the cargo hold, flexing his fingers and feeling his biomass flicking across his skin in unease. The feeling was not going away with time. In fact, it was all but increasing. Shepard had come by asking him to suit up and head to the shuttle, and he wasn't sure if he was going to go or not. He finally threw his hands in the air and slipped out, peeking into the engineering bay. Tali wasn't at her station.

He frowned and looked in Grunt's room. He was gone, too. Well that wasn't too strange. It was possible that Shepard had chosen to take Tali and Grunt with her on whatever mission she was doing.

But Jack wasn't down in the hold either, and Alex knew Shepard never took Jack on any missions.

He took the elevator up a floor and checked all the rooms. Jacob, the Bitch, Garrus, Kasumi, even Mordin. They were all gone. As an afterthought he checked in on Legion, but the geth was missing too. Had Shepard taken the entire crew with her?

Alex glanced out the window at the massive space station they'd approached. A geth 'heretic' station, or something to that effect. Sure it was likely to be just chock full of geth goodness, but did that really warrant taking the whole damn crew?

"Joker," Alex asked warily as he approached the helm. "Where is everyone?"

"Miranda suggested they bring everyone down in the shuttle since EDI's systems will be down for a while. The IFF is still installing."

Alex blinked. "Let me get this straight. Shepard took the entire crew on a shuttle that previously could only carry three people comfortably at a time down to that station."

"That's about it," Joker admitted, glancing up from the terminal. "She wanted to take you, too, but you didn't show."

Alex tensed. "Something's not right," he muttered, almost to himself, and Joker raised a brow. "This cannot possibly be a good idea."

An alarm wailed to their right and both men stared at it. Joker's fingers began to fly over the consoles in front of him faster than Alex could follow, and Alex listened with half an ear as the pilot and AI began to argue.

"I'm telling you EDI, your readings are off," Joker finally said, sounding exasperated. "It's radiation bleed, just white noise."

If anything in Alex's considerable experience had taught him anything, it was that it was never just white noise.

EDI confirmed it a heartbeat later. "I have detected a signal embedded in the static." Well, shit. "We are transmitting the Normandy's location."

Alex smirked dryly, staring out the window. "I hate it when I'm right."

Joker glanced at him, looking confused. "Transmitting? To who?"

Alex turned his head to the side as the Collector ship spontaneously snapped into position above them, slowing from a mass relay jump. Alex tensed. The only way this could be in any way worse would be if they tried to board.

"Oh, shit," Joker cursed, leaning back as the ship momentarily eclipsed their field of vision. He immediately began to work the controls again. "We're getting out of here!"

"Propulsion systems are disabled. I am detecting a virus in the ship's computers."

"And for once it isn't my fault," Alex mused, readying his claws as he turned. Joker eyed him nervously.

"What are you doing?"

"What, you think they just showed up to scare us?" Alex snorted, keeping an eye on the airlock. "I thought you guys checked the IFF before installing it."

"Primary defenses are offline," EDI continued as if Alex had not spoken, "We can save the Normandy, Jeff. Alex. But you must help me."

Alex stumbled a bit as the ship rocked, and the nameless crewmembers swarmed the area with assault rifles trained on the airlock. Alex slipped away to stand back beside Joker. The pilot would be vulnerable, and if Alex had the choice between a bunch of humans that he didn't know, or Joker, he'd stick with the Vrolik's kid.

"Give me the ship," EDI all but demanded, sounding just a little uneasy. Alex was impressed she'd managed to synthesize that much.

Joker, typically, did not care much for that suggestion. "What? You're crazy. You start singing Daisy Bell and I'm done."

"Unlock my sealed databases, and I can initiate countermeasures. The maintenance shaft in the science lab will allow passage to the AI core."

"Didn't you already lose one Normandy by ignoring advice?" Alex muttered, eyes still trained on the hallway entrance. He could feel Joker go still beside him. "Don't make the same mistake again, Joker. Shepard isn't here to pull your ass out of the fire this time."

"Main corridors are no longer safe. The Collectors have boarded."

Joker cursed again, struggling out of his chair and limping to stand beside Alex. "Yeah, ok. Damn it."

"The emergency floor lighting will guide you, Jeff."

Alex glanced at Joker, who for someone with bones made of glass was actually standing upright surprisingly well. He must be wearing leg braces. "Hey don't worry, man. I'll watch your back." Alex grinned, flexing his claws and pulling his armored form over his skin and tinting the world yellow.

Joker stared at him miserably. "Shit."


This was not a good way to start off an evening. Joker limped along as fast as he could go, skipping around crew members shouting at each other and brandishing assault rifles. He was painfully aware of how unarmed he was compared to everyone else, but he supposed having Alex at his back counted as being armed to the teeth.

"Shit, shit, shit…" Joker chanted as he followed the lights in the floor to the science lab. He could almost hear Alex smirking behind him. Of all the crewmembers he could be stuck with, it just had to be the sadistic viral monster that ate people for a living.

The elevator sprang open and some kind of blue thing with skulls in its mouth screeched at them, flanked by a Collector on either side. Joker heard Goldstein curse aloud before raising her assault rifle.

"Oh my God! What is that?" she whispered as she got off a round into the thing's face. Hadley saw Joker and Alex limp-sprinting towards the doors and backed up a step, raising his rifle to provide cover.

"We'll hold it off as long as we can—"

The blue thing screeched and leapt at the nearest crewmember, impaling him on a spiked leg and making several crewmembers scream.

"Hurry, Joker! Go!"

As if he needed the encouragement. A Collector lunged at him, rifle raised, and then suddenly its arm was severed at the elbow and claws erupted from its chest, ripping it in half. Alex shook his claws to dislodge some gore and glanced at Joker staring at him, mouth agape.

"Well don't just stand there," Alex insisted, gesturing towards the door, and Joker hurried through it, Alex at his heels.

Joker tried to ignore the fact that he could feel his legs burning from overuse, that he could hear Hadley crying out in agony behind the door as God-knows-what tore him apart, that the only thing between him and certain death was a psychotic bioweapon currently carving a bloody swath through the Collectors they passed on their way to the lab, laughing.

"Shit." Joker glanced up and saw another of those skull-mouth things hovering by a window next to the shaft. "Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit."

Alex paused by the shaft, claws twitching, and he stared at the thing behind the glass as Joker clambered down the ladder. Once he was at the bottom Alex simply fell through the hole and landed at the base, straightening and looking around. "Huh. Wonder why I never noticed this before."

"Multiple hostiles detected on the crew deck," EDI's alarmed voice informed them once they turned for the door.

"Not for long," Alex growled as Joker hurried towards Hawthorne standing by the door.

"Joker! This deck is crawling with those things! Stay close—I'll protect you!" he shouted before jogging back through the door, assault rifle in hand. Joker limped after him and saw him round a corner, only for Hawthorne to come flying back and hit the ground with a sickening crunch and go still.

Joker froze, staring at a scion that was dragging a screaming Chambers into the elevator.

"Shit, shit, shit!" They weren't just killing the crew. They were abducting them. Like the colonists. The doors slid shut an instant before Alex reached them, cursing and pounding the door with his fist. He snarled and looked back at a stunned Joker, before grabbing his wrist and pulling him along.

"Shit! Watch it!" Joker protested. He felt like his entire arm just shattered. Damn but the man had one hell of a grip.

"Then move, Joker!" Alex growled back, all but shoving him through the door into the med bay. "You can have a panic attack after we get these bastards off the damn ship."

Joker hurried through the med bay doors, hearing Alex snarl something and then the screech of a dismembered Collector before he appeared back in the doorway, a bit bloodier than when Joker had last seen him.

"Main fusion plant offline. Activating emergency H fuel cells," EDI chimed in from above them.

"What the shit!" Joker whispered as he limped into the AI core towards EDI's terminal. He slowed and stared at the console. "All right, I'm at, uh, you."

"Connect the core to the Normandy's primary control module."

Joker sighed. "Great," he grumbled as he did as she asked, "See, this is where it starts, and when we're all just organic batteries, guess who they'll blame?" He paused and continued in a joking voice. "This is all Joker's fault. What a tool he was. I have to spend all day computing pi because he plugged in the Overlord."

Alex barked a laugh off to his right and Joker stepped back once he'd finished. The lights flashed off and he looked around as the unmistakable chatter of electronics filled the air.

The lights flicked back on, followed by a strangely satisfied-sounding EDI. "Ah. I have access to the defensive systems. Thank you, Jeff. Now you must reactivate the primary drive in engineering."

Joker snarled. "Augh! You want me to go crawling through the ducts again."

"I enjoy the sight of humans on their knees."

Joker paused and stared at EDI with a cocked brow as Alex stepped up beside him.

"So do I," Alex added, completely serious.

"That is a joke," EDI clarified when Joker remained silent.

"Mine isn't," Alex shot back, still sounding deadly serious.

"Right," Joker interrupted, turning back towards the shaft.

"The shaft behind you connects to the engineering deck. Good luck."

Joker crawled down the ladder, wondering at it. These shafts seemed awfully convenient. Did the guy who designed the ship know this kind of thing was going to happen? Why else would the shafts be where they needed to in order to unshackle the AI and break every galactic law ever written about such things?

Once he'd stepped away and Alex had fallen through again, Joker picked up the pace. By now the crew had to be all either dead or gone; this was taking far too long.

"Hostiles are present in engineering. They are heading towards the cargo bay."

"Bastards better stay out of my room," Alex muttered and Joker again questioned his sanity.

Joker sprinted for the stairs only to have something grab the collar of his shirt and yank him back. He began to protest when Alex wordlessly pointed at the shadows moving across the wall. There were Collectors up there, and Joker had almost run right into them.

"Thanks," Joker whispered once he'd been released and was able to move towards the steps again.

"Who else is going to fly the damn ship?"

Joker pretended that translated to you're welcome, Jeff and kept going.

"Engineering is clear of hostiles," EDI informed them, "Proceed immediately to minimize chances of detection."

No shit, EDI. Joker hurried through engineering towards the drive core and began ceding control to the Overlord.

"Activate the drive and I will open the airlocks as we accelerate. All hostiles will be killed."

Joker paused and looked up. "What? What about the crew?"

"Joker, the odds of them still being alive at this point are about as high as me bursting into song," Alex interrupted, dismissing his armored form with a flicker of tendrils.

"Alex is correct, Jeff," EDI replied softly, "The Collectors took them."

Joker sighed and headed for the last terminal. "Shit…" he muttered half-heartedly.

"I am sealing the engine room." A whir of motion as the drive core powered up. "I have control."

The drive core lit up like a Christmas tree and Joker took a step back in time for the whole ship to lurch forward in the jump. Joker flew back and collided with Alex, who grunted and stumbled to the ground as the ship rocketed away.

When the rumbling finally stopped and the ship slowed to a reasonable pace, Joker opened his eyes again. He heard a faint clicking and looked to the side and saw claws drumming on the steel flooring, agitated.

"I like you, Joker," a very dangerous voice said from beneath him, and Joker idly remembered where he was and who he was on top of. "So I'll give you to the count of three to get the hell off of me before I consume you and fly the damn ship myself."

Joker scrabbled to get to his feet, aware that the drumming had increased.

"One…"

Joker rolled to the side and groaned as he felt something important break. A rib, from the stabbing pain in his abdomen. He felt someone pull him to his feet and he braced an arm on Alex's shoulder until he was confident he wouldn't fall over again. He held an arm around his side and grit his teeth as Alex stepped away.

"Purge is complete," EDI began, "No other life forms on board. Securing airlocks and cargo bay doors."

Joker sighed and leaned one hand on the railing. "Send a message to Shepard's shuttle. Tell her what happened."

"Message away. Are you feeling well, Jeff?"

Joker rolled his shoulder and headed back for the door. "No. But thanks for asking."

Alex beat him there and fell silent as they headed for the elevator. "Look on the bright side, Joker." Joker paused to stare at him in disbelief. What bright side could there possibly be? The entire crew was abducted by the Collectors! "At least you've still got me."

Joker sighed and pressed his forehead against the elevator doors. "Shit."


A/N: *clears throat* Yeah, I missed yesterday. I did laugh when I got like two reviews wondering where I'd gone, and that was pretty flattering. To be honest, I just got Fallout 3 in the mail at like 10:30 in the morning, and I didn't stop playing it until 11:00 at night. So that's what I was doing all of yesterday. I had kind of hoped no one would notice that I'd missed a day xD So much for THAT idea.

As I'm sure you noticed, this chapter is mostly canon, with dialogue taken right from the game. So not very interesting, but give me some credit. I had to churn this thing out right after burning out over work. No way was I letting you guys hang for TWO whole days! I love you guys too much for that. Heh. :)

Anywho, the Collectors have boarded! And Joker's POV because he's awesome and because I can. Alex staying on the ship for the Collector attack was me being unsure how to handle Legion's loyalty mission (which is what Shepard and the entire rest of the crew presumably flew off to accomplish. My Shepard may be a bit scatterbrained, but she's not stupid enough to go off in a shuttle without a destination, like she does in-game).

Fallout is awesome. I'm off to play some more of it. Bai!