All right, I totally deserved all the "please don't let her misinterpret stuff again" reviews. I think this chapter will make you happy on that front.
All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.
"I've tried so hard to deny it, to explain it, to run away from it. I never expected this to happen, never thought it was even possible. But ever since that day you came to see me at the house it's just been so completely overwhelming. I felt, but never understood, what Edward went through when he realized he needed to be with you despite how wrong it was for him to do so. Now I know just how painful his struggle was, because I feel exactly the same way."
Chapter 29: Hydra
"I have no experience with this kind of thing, so I'll do it the only way I know how. I'll just come out and say it. I have feelings for you, feelings I've never felt for anyone before. Ever. Not in my human life and not as a vampire. I don't know what it is and why it is - I just feel so connected with you intellectually and emotionally.
"No matter what I do, everything about you drives me to feel this way: the way you've gotten to know me; the way you let me get to know you; the way I need to know everything about you that I haven't learned already; the way you completely accept me for who I am; the way you always catch me by surprise; the way you share my interests and are willing to indulge me with those interests you don't necessarily share; the way I feel when I'm talking to you, like we could go on forever and never run out of things to say; the way I can't stop thinking about you; the way I ache to hear your voice when we're apart; the way I see your face whenever I close my eyes; and the way time stands still when you're not with me and races when we're together.
"I can't stop it, I can't resist it. And I know I probably shouldn't do this; shouldn't tell you; shouldn't risk everything we have right now. But if I didn't tell you then I would forever wonder 'what if?' And I think that uncertainty would be worse, worse even than knowing that you don't and could never feel the same way. But Bella, Darlin', sometimes I get these glimpses of feelings from you that actually give me hope. So even though I will accept anything you tell me tonight, I hope against hope that there is a chance that you've felt some of this connection too; that you might, at least in some small part, feel the same way?"
He stopped and looked at me expectantly, waiting for a response. I continued staring at him, not fully comprehending. I had been prepared for the worst – for the end of our friendship, the end of my time with him. I had never considered this possibility. I wasn't sure that I had heard him correctly, that his speech wasn't just some cruel figment of my imagination. Even as I listened to him I was too afraid to believe.
I knew I should say something. He had put everything out on the table and it wasn't fair to stall. But suddenly it was all too much – the stress of the situation finally chipped away at the last vestiges of my control and the entire gamut of emotions flowed into me like a Tsunami, overwhelming me completely. The anticipation, pain, fear and disbelief mixed with joy, relief, confusion and uncertainty. I was caught up in the torrent, unable to find a firm grasp or footing. I couldn't speak. I didn't know what to say.
I pushed myself up, first into a sitting position, then to my feet. Jasper stood up with me, looking concerned and uncertain, but said nothing and made no move to touch me. I walked to the kitchen. At the sink I turned on the cold water. Not knowing where the glasses were and not wanting to bother to find out, I cupped my hand and scooped up handful of water, bringing it to my mouth. I felt Jasper ghosting around the kitchen, opening and closing cabinets, and then saw his hand offering me a glass. I accepted gratefully, filled the glass and drank without stopping.
Drinking the water gave me some precious time to think. I wasn't dreaming or imagining things. He really had just told me that he felt about me the same way I felt about him. And now I just needed to confirm, out loud, that I felt the same way. This should be a piece of cake. Much easier than what he had done. I set down the glass and leaned on the counter using both hands for support. I took one last big breath.
"Maybe it's better if you don't say it," Jasper interjected before I could get out a word. "I can see how difficult this is for you, and you don't need to go through any more pain on my account. I already have my answer."
I sighed. In a way it was a relief to know that he wasn't omniscient, that despite his ability to know what I felt he misread and misinterpreted my actions and emotions as easily as I did his. It put us on a somewhat more equal footing. But right now, knowing how much pain my false presumptions had caused me, I wished he had more of an insight, so that he didn't have to suffer needlessly too.
I turned around to look at him, but he had already turned away from me. I walked up to him and wrapped my arms around his waist, pressing my cheek into his back. I felt him stiffen, but I didn't back away.
"Jasper," I said softly. It might have been too soft for another human, but I knew he could hear me perfectly. "You weren't wrong about those feelings you sensed from me. I feel the connection too and can't stop thinking about you when we're not together. I've never shared so much of myself with anyone, never met anyone who was so accepting of me without any judgment and who gave so much of himself without reservations. And I've never felt so safe with anyone, not just physically, but emotionally too. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do without you after you leave."
He stopped breathing. For an agonizing moment everything was perfectly still. Then he loosened my hold on his waist and turned around, reaching to clasp my hands in his. He brought them up and placed a kiss across the knuckles of each hand.
"Bella, if you feel the same way I do, even a fraction of the same way I do, if there is any chance of us being together, then I'm not leaving until we know for sure where this leads. I could not bear to walk away if there is even a scintilla of possibility that you want to be with me as much as I want to be with you."
I stared at him with eyes open wide. This was my dream come true, wasn't it? Hadn't I been hoping that he would feel this way about me, that he would return my feelings for him and choose to stay with me? Shouldn't this declaration make me deliriously happy? I didn't understand why his words, the words I thought I so longed to hear, caused pain instead of happiness.
And then I realized what was wrong. All those times I had allowed selfish Bella to fantasize about Jasper saying these exact same things, of Jasper actually wanting to be with me, a part of me clung to the certainty that no matter what I did, Jasper would not reciprocate. I counted on Jasper's love for Alice to stand in the way of any interaction between us beyond mere friendship. I berated myself for tempting him, yet had full faith that he would not waiver, he would not give in. I relied on Jasper's strength to stop me from betraying my friend. I could have inappropriate thoughts and feelings, but knew Jasper would make sure I never took any inappropriate actions. Wasn't this the reason why Alice hadn't called or intervened in our relationship already? In the back of my mind I had always reached that conclusion.
Now everything was different. Now being with Jasper wasn't some impossible, unreachable fantasy. Now I knew that he not only felt the same way I did, but that he was willing to discard his relationship with Alice, to commit the ultimate act of betrayal, just to stay with me and find out if we had a future together.
As soon as I thought about betraying Alice, another question muscled its way to the forefront of my mind. Had he considered this himself and could I assume he reached the same conclusions I just did? Clearly I wasn't very good at reading him, and this was a topic too dangerous for assumptions. We needed to talk about this. I needed to know exactly how he felt. I took a deep breath, once again steeling myself for the worst, and asked the question I never thought would cross my lips.
"Jasper, what about Alice?"
His grip on my hands tightened slightly and he took a deep breath. When he spoke his voice was pained, but also steady and resolute.
"I know that this will cause her a great deal of anguish, and I hate myself for what I'm going to do, but once I started to have feelings for you I knew it was just a matter of time before I had to do the inevitable. There is only one option. I have to leave Alice."
I gasped in shock. His pronouncement sounded so awful, so final. I recalled the pain of Edward leaving me, and I imagined Alice's pain, so many times worse for losing her soul mate, a man with whom she spent so many years, whom she loved with all her being. Alice was my friend. I could not allow this. I could not cause her suffering for the sake of my own happiness. The price was simply too high.
I withdrew my hands and placed them over my face. Despite Jasper's seemingly calm demeanor, I knew he must be feeling turmoil inside. If I got him to talk about Alice and their relationship, if I got him to remember how much he loved her, maybe I could change his mind.
"Bella, this isn't about you, not really," Jasper said quietly. "Even if you didn't return my feelings I can no longer go back to Alice, go back to the way things were. You opened my eyes, Darlin', introduced me to a side of me I never knew existed. I feel like I've been sleepwalking all my life and now I'm finally awake, and the things that satisfied me before are no longer enough. I would rather be completely alone than to stay with Alice and the rest of the family and still feel alone among them."
I looked up at him again.
"But you won't be alone, Jasper. If you were able to find another side of you through me, why can't Alice find another side of herself as well? You need to give her a chance to do that. At the very least you owe her that chance."
He obviously heard what I said, but his resolved expression did not waiver. Neither did my determination.
"Can we sit and talk about this?" I asked. He didn't respond, but he did follow me and sat beside me on the sofa.
"Tell me about her, Jasper. Tell me about you and Alice."
He shook his head.
"I know what you're trying to do, Bella. It's not going to work."
"Humor me. If it truly doesn't matter, then what's the harm in telling me?"
He sighed, then began speaking, calmly and quietly.
"From the moment I first laid eyes on her, Alice was a force of nature. I walked into that diner in Philadelphia, saw her, and didn't know what to think. At first I was expecting an attack, but I wasn't worried. She was so tiny, hardly a threat. I had no idea that her real power had nothing to do with her size. Then she accused me of being late in such a way that I had to apologize for something I didn't even know I had done, and that set the tone for the rest of our relationship."
I winced at his last remark. His voice had been bitter when he said it. I'd never heard him speak in that tone of voice about Alice before. Something in him really had changed.
"I love Alice," he continued, the bitterness gone. "She saved me from a miserable existence, a life not worth living. She showed me a different way. She gave me a . . . family. It was more than someone like me could ever deserve. I owe her more than I can ever repay."
I gulped.
"Then how can you even consider leaving her?"
"I have to leave because I've never felt about Alice the way I feel about you. She and I have nothing in common. We never talk, not really. We never do anything together that she doesn't initiate. Throughout our decades together Alice has always known what would happen in advance and I simply followed her instructions. I could never surprise her, never choose, I could never even do the wrong thing, make a mistake. I was the ultimate puppet."
My heart broke for him as I listened. I reached out and took his hand. Even as I wanted to deny his version of life with Alice, I knew he was telling the truth. I had been on the receiving end of Alice's plans and I knew firsthand what it felt like to be swept up into her grand schemes. There was no refusal, no free will. I loved Alice and I knew she always meant well, but when I tried to imagine a lifetime of shopping, and make-overs, and parties, I had to admit that I would not have been able to handle it. I considered Jasper carefully, finally understanding some of what he was trying to say, and wondering how he had been able to stand it for as long as he had.
"I didn't mind before, because life with Alice was so much better than my life before I met her." He answered my unspoken question. "And before you came along I just didn't know another way of life existed. Everyone in the family bends to Alice's will. Of course, unlike me, they aren't her constant focus of attention. But still, just as before I met Alice I thought I needed human blood to survive, afterwards I was convinced I could not live without her constant supervision and intervention."
I squeezed his hand and moved closer to him, leaning my head on his shoulder. Instinctively I knew how difficult this was for him to talk about and I wanted to give him a small measure of comfort. I felt him rub his cheek slowly against the top of my head, then inhale deeply.
"Then you came along and showed me how much more there can be, and I can't go back. I can't be the puppet again, Bella. And it wouldn't be fair to Alice for me to be with her when my feelings for her have changed, when I feel so much more for you."
I gnawed on my lower lip, realizing that this was not a spur of the moment decision for him. He had given this a lot of thought. And I had to admit that after hearing his explanation I understood his reasons. I loved Alice and did not want to cause her any pain, but I loved Jasper too and going back to Alice and the way things had been would undoubtedly cause him pain. Could Alice change to keep him with her? Would she even want to once he told her of his feelings for me? And if she really loved him, why hadn't she seen this and asked him to come back to her. Why wasn't she fighting harder to keep him? Or maybe she had been and he just hadn't told me? I had to find out.
"Have you spoken with her about any of this?"
"No," Jasper's tone was clipped. "I haven't spoken with her since last Tuesday."
"Do you think she's seen . . ?"
He contemplated my question. "I'm not sure. She would have seen us in Seattle together, of course, but as for the rest, I only made the decision this evening to confess my feelings for you and to leave her regardless of your response, so she wouldn't have had a lot of notice. Still, by now I imagine she will have seen it all."
So she'll be expecting it. She'll have time to prepare. She'll have time to draft a battle plan or a goodbye speech. She'll have time to hate me for ruining her life. She'll have time to plot her revenge.
I dropped Jasper's hand and moved away from him, running my fingers through my hair. I had to take responsibility for my role in this situation. Had I not gone back to the Cullen house, had I not started to see Jasper far more often than any good friend of his absent girlfriend should, things may have turned out differently. But if I had to do things over again, would I do anything different? The honest answer was 'no.'
Still, I owed it to Alice to stay away from Jasper until the two of them sorted out their relationship. And if, in the end, they repaired the damage and chose to stay together, then I would be happy for them even through my own loss.
I turned to face Jasper, looking deeply into his eyes.
"You have to go to her and tell her in person. You know that, right? You have to tell her everything and give her a chance to respond, to change. Because I can't be that girl. That girl who fools around with her best friend's man behind her back and who only cares about herself. I can't even consider being with you until you settle things with Alice, one way or another. And in the end, Jasper, know that I want you to be happy, regardless of where or with whom.
"So you have to go to Alaska, as soon as possible. You need to be honest with her. And then, if your decision is still the same, you'll come back and we'll figure things out as they come along."
"My decision will be the same, and I will come back to you. But I know you're right. I owe it to Alice to explain it all to her in person. I'll leave tomorrow after you go to Mike's," he grimaced slightly as he said Mike's name, which suddenly made a lot more sense, "and I'll be back as soon as possible, probably Monday."
I shook my head vehemently.
"Don't rush this, Jasper. You and Alice have been together too long for you not to take as much time as you both need to come to the right decision. Please don't do to her what Edward did to me," I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth at the thought of the way Edward had left me. Even after only a few months together I thought I deserved better. Jasper and Alice had been together for decades. He needed to respect that and stay with her as long as was necessary, give her a chance to change his mind if that was what she wanted.
"And please keep an open mind," I added. "You haven't seen Alice in a long time and you've been spending much too much time with me. It's possible that some time and distance away from me will provide a different perspective, and that seeing Alice again will help you re-discover why you fell in love with her in the first place."
Jasper shook his head.
"I will keep an open mind, Darlin', I promise, but I know for sure distance will do nothing to change or diminish my feelings for you. I already tried that when I left for my hunt, so I know first hand that being away from you only makes me want to be with you more. And as for falling in love with Alice, when I met her she told me we would be together forever and I believed her. I fell into a relationship, but I don't think I ever fell in love. All I can promise is that when I speak with Alice I will resolve everything. There will be no loose ends for you to worry about when. . . "
I looked at him disapprovingly.
"If," he amended, "If I come back."
I had a feeling he had only been appeasing me with the last statement, but it was the most I could ask. This was as much as I could give Alice – she would have to do the rest of the work herself.
We sat silently for a while as I contemplated the cold, hard truth of the distinct possibility that tomorrow afternoon would be the last time I would ever see him. I dug my nails into my palm so that the physical pain would distract me from the emotional pain threatening to take over again. Jasper reached for my hand and uncurled my fingers to intertwine them with his.
"Bella, will you promise to do something for me while I'm gone?"
I nodded slowly.
"Will you make sure that Newton keeps his paws off of you as you work on this project? I won't be around to scare him off, and I'd hate to have to kill him when I return."
I couldn't quite tell if Jasper was serious or if he was joking. I decided it would be better to treat his comment as a joke.
"Not to worry, Jasper. If necessary, I can growl as well as you. And Mike knows better than to try anything at this point, really. You heard our conversation Wednesday night. He thinks I'm still pining for Edward."
"Are you?" his quiet question caught me off guard.
"What?"
"Are you still pining for Edward?"
I opened my mouth to speak, then closed it again. I stared ahead with unseeing eyes, completely lost in thought. I wanted to answer in the negative, because I wasn't pining, exactly. But I couldn't deny that a part of me still loved him, still missed him, still felt the pain and betrayal over his abandonment.
"No," I said finally, "I'm not pining for him."
"But you still love him?" Jasper pressed.
"I suppose," I answered honestly, "that a part of me will always love him."
"And if he came back tomorrow and told you he still loved you and begged for your forgiveness?"
I look at our intertwined hands. Why was he doing this to me? Didn't he realize how painful this subject was for me? Edward was the last person I wanted to talk about right now. Still, after I made him talk about Alice, and I supposed I owed him an honest answer, whatever that was.
My heart twisted painfully in my chest. I had not allowed myself to think about the possibility of Edward's return before. A part of me hated him, not so much for leaving me as for the way he had done it. But that other part, the part that still loved him and missed him, Could that part of me forgive him if he came back and he were truly sorry? Could I envision myself back in the role of Edward's girlfriend? It felt like too many things happened and the girl who could lose herself in Edward hero worship no longer existed.
"I think I could forgive him, but things would never be the same. I don't think I could ever be with him again. I look at my relationship with Edward differently now than I did when I was in it.
"When I first realized that Edward actually wanted to spend time with me I felt so lucky, so privileged, so special. I literally went to talk to him the first time when he wagged his finger over at me in the cafeteria and that never seemed to change. He was like my own personal superhero, saving me again, and again, from myself and others. And with that hero worship came blinders – when I was with him I lost myself in him. I didn't do things with others, I didn't have my own interests – everything was about being with him and doing what he liked to do.
"Now that I think about that time, I was always afraid of losing him, always convinced I didn't deserve him, always thinking I wasn't good enough. I was afraid to really be myself around him. I don't think that's healthy. And, in the end, those thoughts allowed him to hurt me as badly as he did when he left.
"If he came back now, how could he possibly justify what he did? Not just leaving me the way he did, but forcing all of you to leave with him, forcing all of you not to speak with me, even to say goodbye. What possible reason could he give to justify doing that? I could forgive him for it, but I could never be with a person who willingly caused me so much pain. I could never trust him again."
"What if he told you that he left and made all of us leave to protect you from the dangers of the vampire world? That he left because he loved you so much he wanted to give you a normal life where you wouldn't have to face dangers like me?"
I looked at him carefully. His expression was pained. Was this the reason Edward gave his family for leaving? And they actually went along with it? How could they? How could they lay all that blame at Jasper's feet? Sheer fury boiled my blood.
"That's the most ridiculous, selfish, hurtful, manipulative thing I've ever heard!" I spat out. I got up and began pacing, stalking the room like a caged wild cat. "I never wanted to be protected for the vampire world – I wanted to be a part of the vampire world. He wouldn't grant me that wish and then he denied me even the scraps of just letting me hang out on the periphery because ostensibly it was too dangerous for me? That wasn't his choice to make! I don't need a boyfriend who treats me like a child and makes all decisions for my own good without consulting me. Even Charlie and Renee don't do that, and I actually am their child. I guess if he had the guts to actually give me that excuse I would tell him that I already had a father and wasn't looking for another one."
I saw Jasper watching me with awe. I realized this was the first time he had ever seen me this angry. Even when he and I had the argument in my truck, I was far more controlled. I was instantly sorry that I had let myself get so worked up.
"I'm really sorry you had to see that, Jasper. It's just that I can't believe he would have used such a stupid reason to destroy everything we had, to destroy me."
He stood up and walked over to me, pulling me into his arms and pressing me close to his chest. He kissed the top of my head. "Don't ever apologize about being passionate, Bella. You're gorgeous when you're angry." He chuckled and added, "I just hope I never do anything to have that anger directed at me.
"I'm sorry for betraying his confidence, Bella. I should not have done it, I should not have told you why he left. But for my selfish reasons I needed to know what your reaction would be. Because he may come back some day, Darlin'. And we both need to prepare to face him if he does."
He pulled back and tipped my chin up to look into my eyes.
"I'm not proud of what I've allowed to happen with you. I knew as soon as you came back that Thursday and I felt your faith in me when I told you about my training, and then when you came to me for advice the next day, and every time we spoke or saw each other thereafter, that I was in the wrong. Wrong to continue seeing you when you were the love of my brother's life and I was still with Alice. Wrong to pretend I could just limit my feelings to friendship.
"My betrayal will hurt the people I love most. Not just Edward and Alice, but every other member of the family as well. I am a horrible person for placing my own needs and happiness above all of theirs. But none of that is enough for me to stop and do the noble thing and let you go. The way I feel about you, the way I feel when I'm with you, is strong enough to overcome the feeling of self-loathing over what I'm doing to them. You need to know that, Bella. You need to know exactly how selfish I am. Because if Edward came back for you and you were with me, I would not stand aside. I would not let you go without a fight. I would use any means necessary to keep you with me. So I need to be sure that if he did come back, you would not want to go back to him, because I would hate to hurt you in the process of fighting to keep you with me."
"You would never willingly do anything to hurt me," I said confidently. "But the situation you described is not something you need to worry about. Thank you for bringing this up and making me talk about it. For the first time you've made me realize that I really am over him. I will never forget that first love and he'll always have a small piece of me. He deserves that, I suppose. But he will never have my heart again. If you still want me after you speak with Alice, I'm yours."
We stared at each other. He moved his hands up and held my face between them, using his thumbs to stroke over my cheeks to the corners of my lips. This was a perfect moment for our first kiss, but with Alice between us it could not be so, and we both knew it. Instead, we just stood there, lost in each other's eyes. I had chosen my path. For Jasper the road diverged now, and he had to make a choice as well. I knew waiting for his decision would be excruciating, but I was at peace knowing I would be okay no matter which path he chose, as long as it led to his happiness.
Suddenly I felt like celebrating. My lips broke out in a bright smile.
"What is it, Darlin'?" he asked, smiling back.
"I think I'm ready to try those desserts."
See, I was so nice. They're finally communicating. No more misinterpretations. Still no kiss, but now there's a different reason why and a path towards resolution. And I didn't even leave you with a cliffhanger (Bella will like the desserts!).
And the next chapter, Bella's busy Sunday, will be posted towards the end of the week.
So please be equally nice to me and let me know what you thought by leaving a review! Thanks!
