A/N: It took a while to post this chapter, sorry for making you wait! But this chapter is extra-long, so I hope that makes up for it :D Please leave a review, I love all feedback, good or bad! Hope you enjoy!
Chapter title taken by Avril Lavigne.
Peyton laid in the soft bed, staring at the roof. The silence of the empty room drummed in her ears. She could hear distant sounds from outside when doctors would pass her room, but otherwise it was completely quiet, and her ears would be on guard for any sound out of the ordinary.
Earlier that day, she'd reluctantly allowed the doctors to do their tests on her. It had taken hours, and she felt completely drained from power afterwards. They'd taken care of several wounds though, and had given her pain killers for her injuries. A stinging bite mark on her shoulder had been inspected and bandaged, but she'd been told that most of her other wounds would just have to heal by themselves. They'd also figured out that her ribs had been cracked from a while ago, but that was already on its way to healing itself perfectly. Certain marks and scars might never disappear completely though, and there was nothing they could do about her scarred stomach. Not that she had expected a different answer, but it was still a sore subject for her to think about… She really wanted to get rid of the words that he'd forever left her with. She was only glad her dad hadn't been there with her; she didn't want anyone to know about those marks.
Afterwards she'd been made to speak with several psychologists, who were all supposed to help with the aftermath of this experience, but she'd refused to say a word. She hated psychologists, and she was stubborn. When her mom died when she was eight, the school had tried to get her to speak with counselors and the school nurse and all sorts of professionals, but it hadn't worked out for her then, and it wouldn't work now. Talking to some complete stranger, someone she knew nothing about, seemed like an impossible task. It was hard enough opening up to the people she knew. She wanted to deal with this like she'd always dealt with her problems; locked up and alone. That was the safest way, and it worked for her.
After an endless day of tests and long conversations, she was finally alone. And the silence was suddenly overwhelming. She couldn't stop thinking about… everything. Derek, Tree Hill, school, Derek, Lucas, Brooke, Tree Hill, Derek…
Peyton had persuaded her dad into going to get some proper sleep for a few hours; he sure deserved it. He'd barely left her side, and although she truly was glad of having him here, she just wanted some time alone. It was the same with Lucas. He spent more time in her hospital room than in his own, but she'd finally forced him to go get something to eat. She was going to sleep anyway, or that's what she'd told him, but she was doing anything but.
She couldn't sleep. Not when Lucas or her dad wasn't here, not when she knew he was still somewhere close by. Ian hadn't been moved to a new hospital yet, all due to some unfinished paper work, and the police were doing their best to make sure all precautions were taken. The press was eagerly camping outside the hospital; once the word had come out that the missing Peyton Sawyer had been found with her stalker in the small town Oakwood, the news reporters had come flying from all over the country. This was juicy news for the tabloids, and everyone wanted to get a glimpse of the girl who had been held captive for almost half a year. Peyton's room was thankfully being guarded by the police, keeping her safely away from the hungry journalists, and no one had gotten a glimpse of her yet. But this situation made it all the much harder to move Ian Banks right at once. They were going to have him moved by helicopter in a day or two.
But knowing that Derek… Ian was here with her, somewhere in the same building, left a nagging fear at the bottom of her gut. Every time she would hear someone approach her door, her body would stiffen in horror, and she'd prepare herself to hide or flee. It didn't help that her logic told her he couldn't get past the guards, that she was safe, the feeling of doubt wouldn't go away. He had this hold over her, this hold she never could have anticipated… She knew he wouldn't give up until he had her again.
Peyton sighed and turned to her side. Her stomach grumbled noisily, and she put her hand over it to stifle the sound. She hadn't managed to eat much since she came here (not that she'd been eating a whole lot before that either); there was just so much she needed to adjust to right now. So many people and voices, sounds… it was hard to get used to, after having spent five months in isolation. Being stuck in the middle of a dark forest with nothing but a cat and one other human being had affected her, and she wasn't used to all this fuss.
"P. Sawyer."
The very familiar, raspy voice suddenly caught her attention from the doorway. She glimpsed over, to see a tearful brunette standing there. Her eyes were glassy and she looked like she might break down. "Oh my god, P."
"Hey," Peyton said weakly, her voice hoarse.
Brooke… if there was one person she had longed to see almost as much as her dad and Lucas, it was Brooke. Her best friend. But now… Peyton was unsure of what she wanted, and her only thought was that she really didn't want to be here right now.
Brooke walked closer, but it seemed like her knees would give in any moment. "Peyton, I-I… it's really you. Oh God…"
"It's- um. It's good to see you," Peyton said awkwardly, slowly trying to sit up.
Brooke looked at her, really taking her in. Her bottom lip trembled from seeing the fragile state her best friend was in, and her stomach tied into knots. Her hands fell down on the edge of the mattress, fingering the white sheet. Ever since Lucas called her, telling her he'd found Ian and was going to find Peyton, she'd barely been able to breathe properly. She'd spent so many months, her chest filled with guilt and shame over the way she'd behaved against Peyton; she'd been so scared she would never get to take it back. But here Peyton was. The only girl she loved in this world, who'd been like her sister ever since they were young children. Peyton was back, she was alive, but that didn't mean this was over… she'd probably been through hell. And Brooke felt completely guilty for all her friend's suffering.
"Hey, P. Sawyer. How you holding up?"
"Oh, um… Good."
"I'm sorry I didn't come see you right away… I figured you wanted to spend some time with your dad first."
Peyton smiled. "Thanks."
Brooke bit her lip. Her eyes fell on certain dark marks on Peyton's pale skin, and her mind was tormented with visions. She got a sudden need to kill that cruel man for what he'd done to her, and she gulped in a breath of air, trying to keep the tears from falling.
Peyton noticed Brooke's angry expression, and figured she'd lead her mind away from the darkness she was enveloped in.
"My dad said you and Lucas looked for me," she muttered.
Brooke nodded. "Yeah… I just wish we could've found you sooner." Her voice trembled slightly as she spoke.
Peyton shook her head. "No- don't worry about it… Thank you. For looking."
This was weird. It was awkward, and Peyton self-consciously stared down at her hands resting in her lap, wondering what to say. Brooke was her oldest friend, someone she would usually feel completely comfortable with, but now it almost felt as if they were strangers.
"Are you okay, sweetie?" Brooke whispered.
Peyton nodded, shrugging. "I'm fine."
Brooke stared at her, raising her eyebrows. "Of course you're not fine, Peyton. God… Of course you're not." She teared up again, and took Peyton's hand, squeezing it. "I'm so sorry for all this. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you, I'm so sorry for everything I said to you. If I'd been there-"
"Stop, Brooke," Peyton said, shaking her head. "It's not your fault. Don't blame yourself for this, please."
"But it is my fault, P. And I really thought the last thing you would remember me by, was me saying that I hated you. And I certainly don't hate you. You're my best friend, and nothing, no boy, no fights, nothing will ever change that. I'm just- I'm sor-"
"No," Peyton interrupted again, a little angrily. "Everyone needs to stop blaming themselves. Lucas, dad, you. Just stop. None of you guys are to blame, okay? I appreciate the concern, but it's not necessary. You guys looked for me, and I'm thankful. It's okay. Stop feeling guilty."
Brooke bit her lip, forcing her tears away. She didn't think it was okay, but held her tongue. "Right. Okay. I'm sorry, Peyt…" She took an unsteady breath. "I really missed you, though..."
Peyton forced a smile. "I missed you too."
"So… are we okay then?" Brooke asked nervously.
Peyton nodded. "Yeah."
That wasn't completely true though. She still had a dark feeling in the bottom of her gut. It wasn't as easy to forget and move on from what had happened between them as she'd expected. She thought it would be so easy, but now she could still hear Brooke's angry words echoing in her head. "Your 'I love you's' send people to the grave! … As far as I'm concerned, this friendship is over. And if we never speak again for the rest of our lives, that'll be fine..."
It really had hurt a lot more than she had let on at the time. Luckily putting on a mask to hide her true feelings had always been her specialty.
"So how does it feel to be done with high school? Who knew you would be able to graduate on the first try," Peyton said with a slight smile, trying to seem casual. Brooke blinked. There was something strange about her best friend's expression. She may not have seen this girl for five months, but she could still tell when something was wrong.
"You're funny," she dismissed. "You sure everything is okay?"
"Yeah, of course."
Brooke smiled uneasily. "Did you hear Nate and Haley got the baby?"
"Yeah… Lucas told me. They must be so happy."
"Yes, they are… I talked to them on the phone. They said that they're so, so glad that you're safe, Peyton. And they told me to wish you all the best from them. They can't wait to see you when you get home."
"Oh… great. Thanks," Peyton said, still with the stiff smile plastered on her face, but it fell once she felt her sore face starting to ache in pain. Brooke smiled sadly.
"Brooke."
They looked up, to see Lucas approaching from the door. "I didn't know you were here."
"Yeah, I figured I had to come see P. Sawyer sooner or later," she said with a small smile. Lucas and Brooke hugged shortly, before turning towards Peyton.
Peyton looked down, her stomach suddenly tied into knots. "I-I… um… I'm really happy for you guys," she said in a shaky voice. "I'm glad you two got back together. You deserve to be happy."
Both of them curiously stared at Peyton.
"What are you talking about, P?" Brooke asked.
"You and Lucas," she explained. "You're together again, right? I just mean… I'm happy for you."
Lucas closed his eyes, his face heating up. Peyton thought he was together with Brooke again. Why hadn't he mentioned anything about Brooke? It was obvious from her expression that it had been bothering her for a while, and he hadn't even thought to bring it up.
Brooke raised her eyebrows, looking at Lucas. "I think I'll leave you two alone for a minute," she muttered, backing up. She patted Lucas' shoulder, and he could feel her staring expectantly at him.
The door closed, and Lucas could feel his nerves rising. Peyton looked from Lucas to the door, confused at what was going on. She had a feeling she was missing something.
Lucas sighed. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Peyton. I completely forgot you didn't know. Brooke and I aren't together. We're just friends."
Confusion marked her face.
"What? But I thought you- he said you were-"
Lucas shook his head. "No. I couldn't get back together with her, and she knew she couldn't either."
There was a big frown on her face. "But- that doesn't make sense… He showed me a picture, he said you were together. I saw it."
Lucas was confused. "What picture, Peyton? I don't know what he- what Ian told you, but it must have been a lie… We never got back together."
Peyton shook her head. It didn't make sense. "But… why not? I-I thought you loved her."
"I did, just… not enough. My heart… it belongs to someone else."
Peyton felt her own heart beating faster. She didn't understand. What was he talking about?
"Who?"
He opened his mouth, but no words came out. This was the moment he had been waiting for all this time. The moment of truth. So why was it suddenly so hard to say it?
He inhaled sharply. "…It's you, Peyton. God, of course it's you." The words washed out of him, and a heavy weight from his shoulders suddenly lifted. He breathed out, staring at her and waited for a reaction. She didn't say a word, her eyes frozen on him. He exhaled. "Ever since you disappeared, it felt like this vital piece of me had been ripped out of my chest. I couldn't… I just couldn't stop thinking. I couldn't stop worrying. And after a while I realized… you're the one I love… the one I've always loved. I'm just so sorry it took me so long to understand that."
Peyton's mind went on overdrive, panicking, and she suddenly felt tears stinging in her eyes. Not tears of sadness though… An unusual feeling was erupting from the pit of her stomach, and it suddenly registered to her what it was… happiness. An emotion she hadn't felt in so long, she had completely forgotten what it felt like. She had been convinced Lucas didn't love her all this time, but he did… She wanted to smile and tell him she loved him too, she wanted to cry, but her sudden happiness transformed into disbelief and denial before she could even take in what had just happened. It felt like her heart sunk down to the bottom of her gut, and she swallowed. She suddenly felt sick. He couldn't love her, not now, no one could. Her expression stayed frozen.
"I love you," he repeated and grabbed her hand gently. She suddenly felt nauseous from those words. All she could hear was another voice saying those same words, over and over, forever reminding her of where she truly belonged.
"I'm not expecting anything in return, Peyton. I'm not expecting you to confess something to me too, unless you want to, unless you feel it. I just need you to know. You're the person my heart belongs to, and honestly, it has belonged to you ever since the first time I saw you."
There it was. There he'd said it. The words he'd been afraid he would never get the chance to tell her, had now been spoken. But she showed no reaction whatsoever, none. He had been expecting something, whether it would be surprise or disgust, that would still be better than that empty look on her face right now.
It was silent for a moment.
"How?" she finally muttered weakly, staring disbelievingly at him.
"What?"
"How can you… love me? After all this? After I've been with him?" Her voice was so small it was barely possible to hear, but he heard.
"What you saw… back in that house, it was nothing compared to the other things he's done to me. You don't know what I've done, you don't know what he's done to me, and if you knew, you wouldn't feel this way about me. You'd be disgusted by me."
"What- Peyton, no!" He desperately shook his head. "None of that was your fault! Do you hear me? He's the one who forced you to live that way, it doesn't change who you are. None of that will ever make me see you differently. Okay? None of it. It wasn't your fault." He wanted to make her understand, he had to make her understand, but Peyton only shook her head and looked away from him. She didn't believe him. She refused to believe him.
Lucas couldn't understand. She was so different from the strong-willed girl he'd known five months ago, and he couldn't help but wonder where along the way she got lost. He wondered what that monster had done to her to break her so cruelly… it made him feel beyond angry, beyond sick.
He realized there were so many questions he needed to ask her. But did he really want to know? Would she even be able to put her trust in him or anyone else again? All the questions about what had happened tore at him, and his mind span with dizzying thoughts. It would have to wait though… He didn't want to ambush her with questions now. They all needed to adjust to this change… The questions could wait.
X
They'd been sitting in silence for a while, when two policemen entered the quiet room.
"Hello, Ms. Sawyer." They nodded politely at her. "We were hoping to ask you some questions about what has gone on for the last five months, what's happened in your time in captivity. We understand that it might be difficult for you, but it's essential for us to get some facts, so we can move on in our investigation. Would that be okay?"
Peyton tensed slightly, but felt Lucas' reassuring hand on her shoulder. Lucas wasn't so sure this was a good idea though. His worries was that it was way too early for her to talk through something as traumatic as this. "Are you sure that's a good idea? I mean, she barely just got back… can't it wait?"
"As I said, it would help our investigation a great deal to progress. Anything she doesn't want to talk about, she can just say the word. We can have a more thorough talk later."
Peyton bit her bottom lip and slowly nodded. "O-Okay… I guess, um, I guess that's fine." She wasn't so sure she wanted to do this though, she was scared. But Lucas' presence felt somewhat comforting to her…
"Wonderful. If you could please move out, Mr. Scott?"
Lucas' expression hardened. He didn't want to leave her alone with them.
Peyton looked from Lucas to the two officers. "No… it's okay. He- um, he can stay."
She didn't know if she could get herself through this on her own, no matter how much she wanted to.
"Alright then. If that's okay with you, miss, then fine," the tallest man said, and they sat down by the edge of her bed, while Lucas stood up beside her, not removing his hand from her shoulder. One of the men took out a note pad and a pen, and the other measured her with a sympathetic frown.
"So, let's get to it. Can you tell us about the night of your kidnapping? Do you remember what happened?"
Peyton sucked in an unstable breath. "Um…"
She told them everything she could remember of what had happened to her through her time with Derek… well, not everything. More like short recaps without too many details. They asked a question, she answered in few, short sentences. They didn't need to know it all. They didn't need to know the details. As long as they got the rough story, that should be enough.
She told them about the night of the attack. All the dreadful stalker pictures, his angel of death tattoo… She told them how he'd kept her chained up. She told them how he'd been convinced that they belonged together, that he loved her. She told them… most of what had happened. She made sure to avoid certain subjects completely. They asked question after question, trying to squeeze out every bit of information, and she tried her best to answer truthfully without telling them too much.
"At first, I couldn't believe that it was really happening to me. It all felt like some… some nightmare. I couldn't believe that it was real. But then…"
"Then what?"
"I… I slowly started to realize that it really was happening. And that was even worse… Realizing the fact that I'd probably live with him f-forever. And starting to come to terms with that fact… it scared me more than anything."
"Didn't you ever try to escape?"
"Uh, yes, I did…" She swallowed. "There was one night when… I'd just, I'd had enough of everything. I only wanted to go home, to get away. So I managed to get the key to my chain from his neck and unlock it, but he woke up. I ran and he chased me through the woods. I got away from him, but…" she swallowed again. Her mouth felt so dry, making it hard to speak. "…I got lost. I didn't know where I was. And he caught up. He brought me back."
The officer asking the questions nodded with an understanding frown. "Did you try again after that?"
"Not… not really… I would try to get out the front door a few times when I had the chance… but after I tried to escape the first time, he became more cautious. He made sure the front door was always kept locked… I didn't know where he hid the key. He-he put bars on all the windows. I couldn't get out. And I was… I was too scared to try again, anyway."
The officer cleared his throat. He knew what was coming next would be hard for her to talk about. They had been given a report by the doctors on all her physical wounds, and the signs of sexual abuse on her body had all been there. Now they just needed to hear it in her words, they needed to get her to talk about it. The faster they could get the full story on what had gone on, the easier it would be to get Ian Banks sentenced with a deserved punishment, and that was their biggest priority. But she was the only one who knew everything.
"What sort of birth control did you use during intercourse?"
Peyton raised her eyebrows. The question took her off guard. "How-how is that relevant?"
"We just need to be very thorough in this investigation. Every little detail matters. Please, Ms. Sawyer?"
She was starting to feel sick. "He… made me go on the pill," she answered shortly. She didn't want to go any further into the depths of this sort of conversation. She didn't like in which direction this was headed.
"The pill?"
She nodded.
Peyton remembered Derek starting to get the pill for her very early in her captivity, and honestly, she took it willingly. She sure as hell didn't want to get pregnant with him. He had other plans for the future though, he'd let her know many times. He'd talked about how they were going to have several children together in the future; he never stopped talking about it. They were going to have one boy and one girl, according to his hopes. But he'd told Peyton he wanted to have her all to himself for a while first.
When Derek would talk about his plans for their future together, it would always have her cringing in horror and disgust, and she'd have nightmares about becoming pregnant and raising a child with him. Out of everything, that was the last thing she wanted; she'd rather die than have a baby with him, and she would spend days worrying about and dreading the day when he would decide it was time.
She stared down at her hands, she couldn't hold eye contact with anyone. She couldn't even explain why, but she felt so ashamed.
"I'm very sorry to ask you this, we understand how difficult this must be for you… but can you tell us about how Ian Banks would force sexual intercourse on you?"
Peyton froze. This was exactly what she'd been hoping to avoid getting into. She couldn't talk about that, she wouldn't. How dare they? How would that help? She could feel Lucas' hold on her shoulder tightening.
"Please try, Ms. Sawyer."
"I-I can't… I can't…" Peyton mumbled, avoiding all eye contact. She got a sudden urge to hide herself, hide everything. She didn't want their eyes staring at her. She couldn't handle it. And definitely not with Lucas here.
"You can't?"
"I-I don't remember. I don't know." She was trembling. She didn't want to think about it. And she didn't want anyone else to know… she didn't need their pity. She didn't want them to judge her.
"I'm really sorry, but this is an important part of the investigation. I understand that it is very hard for you to talk about, but we need as detailed facts about the kidnapping and your time in captivity as possible. It's only to make sure that we can get him locked away for as long as possible. You do want that, don't you?"
Peyton looked down, wanting to shut it all out. Her skin felt cold and clammy, and she could feel bile rising in the back of her throat. Their words stopped registering to her, as another voice rang loudly in her head… "Look into my eyes, Peyton. Look into my eyes…" His hands were all over her trembling skin, his face only an inch away from hers. She could feel his hot, heavy breath on her face… She could feel his hardness pressed against her, and she knew what was to come. His groping and clawing hands moved down her body, between her thighs, and she only wanted to cry. She wanted for him to stop, she wanted to scream and beg, but he wouldn't stop. It was the same every time. He didn't stop until he got what he wanted. So she didn't cry. She stayed completely still, staring distantly up at his face. Her mind tried to find an escape, she tried to go somewhere else, but it never lasted long before she was dragged back into this moment again. "I love you so fucking much," he whispered, his blue eyes shining greedily. "I really wish I would have been your first, Peyton… But I'll make sure no one else ever touches you again… You're mine, baby. Forever." He sighed heavily into her ear, and his powerful arms forced her locked legs to open for him. "Now… tell me you want me, Peyt…" She didn't miss a beat. "I, I want you," she said weakly. His lips widened into a pleased grin and he kissed her goose pimple covered shoulder. Then his strong body thrust forward, her back slammed into the mattress, and she couldn't stop her mouth from letting out a hurt whimper. Yet again, she lost all control over her own body, and a tear came sliding down her cheek. His violent grunts filled the room, and the sound drowned out her own hurtful sobs. "Oh my God, Peyton. You're so- so amazing!" he panted. "No," her own voice breathed out, although unheard by her captor. "Please stop… please stop…"
"Oh Pey- Peyton…"
"Stop… please."
"Peyton!"
She snapped back to her hospital bed, and found Lucas' face in front of hers, staring at her with concerned eyes. "Are you okay?"
"I- uh…"
Derek's smiling face blended together with Lucas', and she got confused at where she was. She could feel Derek's hands all over her, she could feel his sickening breath on her face, but she wasn't with him now, was she? Lucas was here, not Derek. She shook her head in alarm, and Derek's face faded. Lucas came back into her vision, and her heartbeat calmed a little. She realized her body was trembling, and she tried to get control over it. Her face felt so hot. She glimpsed around, to see the two policemen sitting in chairs by the edge of her bed, staring expectantly at her.
Her head twitched. She was not going back to that place, not for them.
"Well, Ms. Sawyer?"
She looked at them, blinking madly. She wouldn't cry. "No," she said blankly. She wasn't going there, not even if they tried to force her.
"No?"
"No."
"But Ms. Sawyer-" the officer demanded, before he was cut off by Lucas.
"Okay, you need to back off. She obviously doesn't want to answer any more questions right now." Lucas stepped in front of Peyton, wanting to save her from all of this. He didn't know what had just happened, but he didn't like that look on her face right now. He wished he could make it all go away for her. But if he couldn't do that, then he would at least make sure no one else could hurt her even more. Peyton bent her head, closing her eyes. She was glad Lucas understood what she wanted right now, at least. She was just so tired.
The officer cleared his throat and nodded.
"Well, thank you for your time, miss. We'll talk again later."
The two men stood up, nodding politely at her, and then headed for the door. Silence enveloped them and Peyton said nothing. She only stared straight forward, into the wall, and it seemed like she was somewhere else completely.
"Peyton?" Lucas whispered sadly. "Are you okay?"
Her eyes slowly drifted to him, and his stomach turned from the expression he was met with. She didn't look like herself. She looked so… drained. Powerless. Broken. Her pale skin made her look sick, and her empty face did nothing to help.
"Yeah… I'm fine, Luke," she said with a weak smile, but it didn't quite reach the rest of her face.
Lucas swallowed heavily. He could never have imagined how messed up she was going to be. His mind had only been on one thing, which had been on how to get her home. He hadn't given much thought to how affected, how changed she was going to be after this experience. He knew she was going to be changed somewhat, and that she would have gone through the most terrible things, but he'd tried to stay optimistic. He never allowed himself to imagine the possibility of Peyton not fully being Peyton anymore. And now this scared him more than everything else.
When looking into her eyes, it didn't feel like looking into those beautiful, green orbs of hers, but instead it was as if he was looking straight into blackness. And hidden in the darkness of her eyes were shadows of memories that she had no intention of ever revealing. It made Lucas' heart clench painfully when he saw how empty… how lost she looked.
"What… what happened, Peyton? It seemed like you completely disappeared from the conversation."
Her bottom lip trembled. "I'm… s-sorry…"
"No, don't be sorry! I'm just… I'm worried about you. Should I get your dad?"
She shook her head. "No… don't tell him about this, please. He'll just make me talk to someone… They all want me to talk with someone… I don't- I can't…"
"But… maybe it would be a good idea to talk to a professional, Peyton? I think it could help you… to talk it through."
"No… I can't, I just can't. Please don't tell him, Lucas."
As much as he wanted to tell Larry about this, he knew he could never refuse her anything. He nodded. He'd do anything for her.
"You know… you can talk to me though, Peyton. If you ever want to, I'm here to listen."
Peyton nodded, but inside she thought; Lucas was the last person she'd want to know about this. She could never tell him about any of it. If he knew, everything would change.
