I cried while writing this. Derek is me. I am Derek. And it hurts to be stuck in that place for so long.
Enjoy, another update will come very soon. xx
Meredith
The sound of my apartment door clicking shut is still ringing in my ears, even though the sun has risen and Derek seems to have been gone for the longest time. In many ways, all of this appears to symbolize the door that separates me from Derek being shut on me forever, and I can't breathe for a second. The walls in my tiny bedroom seem to be closing in, thoughts of us and all we could've been roll and clash together inside my brain, like tidal waves.
I can smell the scent of his cologne mixed with sex and sweat waffle through the room, a painful reminder of what transpired yesterday. My mind can't assimilate all that went down last night: I can still feel him pushing inside me, I can still feel his chest hair on my cheek, I can feel his breath on my face when he tore me down. I can still feel him, everywhere, and I can't set myself free. Will I ever?
I'm staring mindlessly at the window when I hear shuffling outside my bedroom. Molly? The fog still hasn't dissipated from my brain long enough for me to get dressed when she barges through my bedroom, only to come to a halt when she sees the state of the room… and me.
"Meredith Grey," she grins, what for, I don't know. "Did someone get laid last night?"
Oh God. I had forgotten her immediate remedy for my depression: a good, healthy dose of sex. Only she probably didn't mean having sex with the root of my problems. Nah. That's all on me. Great decisions, Meredith. Mom would be proud, as always.
"It's not what you think, Mol," I say, in a crappy attempt to lie through my teeth. As expected, I fail miserably.
"Sure it's not. Your clothes laying at my feet, you lying on that bed butt naked, the stench of sweat and male cologne in this room… I'm sure there's a logical explanation for all of this, Mer," she winks, sarcastically.
I give up. There's no use in denying the obvious truth, nor do I have it in me to feed her more lies. My strength seems to have left with Derek last night, so I return my stare to my window.
"Mer… What is it? What happened? You can talk to me," she says, more gently, as she navigates her way through the sea of clothes thrown on the floor.
"I'm fine, Mol. Nothing happened," I say. Great. Another lie. They just slip off my tongue so effortlessly.
"Yeah, sure, that's precisely why you're in bed looking like someone just kicked your puppy and then ran over it with a monster truck," she says, rolling her eyes. "Come on. We're best friends. Best friends stick with each other through happy, sappy and slightly sexual times, but also through the bad and teary times. You know this."
"He was here," I rasp out. The words leave my mouth before I can stop them.
She stares at me in shock. "Him… As in, Derek Shepherd? As in, your ex-boyfriend? As in, the scary guy from the restaurant who caused a scene that almost totally killed my vibe with Mark?"
"Yep," I say, my mouth popping on the 'p'. My eyes are still glued to the window, too embarrassed to look at Molly.
It takes her a while to form words, but she seems to collect her thoughts quickly. "Well then… It seems he wasn't only here, but also inside you. Nice one, Mer," she chuckles. "Did he dust off those cobwebs for you? If so, then he served a purpose."
"It was a mistake," I assure her. "It won't happen again."
"Jesus. Look at you. Could you be any more miserable and mopey if you tried? No, you couldn't. Mer, what's stopping you from actually getting your ass out of bed and chase after what you want for once? Huh?"
I'm sick of people misjudging our situation. No one has walked a mile in our shoes to know what we've gone through, so they can't possibly tell me what I should do where Derek is concerned. "There was a time when I thought we were meant to be. Now, maybe it's time to stop trying to cheat fate and accept we just don't belong together. In another lifetime, maybe. Not now," I throw back at her.
"No, Meredith. No. I'm not going to let you give up just like this. You two are drawn together like a moth to a flame, like a magnet to… Another magnet. Or something. It's insane. I don't want you to give up on him just because things are a little rough…" she says, before I cut her off.
"A little rough? Mol, we wrote the book on rough. There's no rougher than me and Derek. It's a miracle me and him can still be in the same room together, let alone trying to fight for a relationship and not strangle each other in the process. Besides, why are you so pro-Derek all of a sudden? Did you happen to not be present when he practically destroyed that restaurant?" I protest.
"So what!? Meredith, so what? I'm sick of seeing you mope around the house, staring at the window as if someone is gonna throw a brick with your answer strapped on it through the glass. Fuck that, Mer! Where's that adventurous girl I know is inside you somewhere? Yes, he lashed out. But Mark told me that the fact you left really fucked him up. Now, I don't know what exactly happened between you two, because you're not exactly the most forthcoming person in the world, but still… He's the only person I've known to be able to break down your barriers for once. Isn't that special? Or worth something to you? People like that come along once in a lifetime, Mer," she says, softly, before she reverts back to the cheery Mol I know. "Don't let yourself go through life miserable just because the thought of going after the man you love makes you want to poop your panties – which, by the way, I stepped on! So I'm forcing you to get up, take a shower, rinse off that stench of sweat and sex from your body and let's come up with a plan to get him back. You owe me that much, after I came in such close contact with your wet thong," she shudders.
That wins her a smile, and she seems pleased with the progress she's made. Me… I don't know. Is it worth it to reopen all these cans of worms and shuffle through old feelings and wounds that are better off left in the past? It feels like we've barely scratched the surface with our conversations… there's still so much to talk about, so many feelings to revisit, so many wounds to reopen. Am I ready for that? One thing I'm sure of, though, is that it's time to own up to my messes and handle things with the maturity I lacked two years ago. Whatever that entails.
Derek
Stepping out into fresh night breeze was exactly what I needed after a tense night with Meredith. It's unbelievable how she can still affect me so much after the longest time. No matter how harsh I try to be, or how cold I attempt to sound, I still feel as if I'm merely a puppet in her hands. She has this grip on me like no other woman has ever had, and that petrifies me.
Lying on the couch with a glass of scotch clutched in my hand, I think the past two years through. Meredith… There's so much she could've done. She only had to stay for a little while longer, just made a small effort not to leave and rip my heart into shreds. She only had to… not leave.
It's so hard when you feel like you've poured your all into something and it still wasn't enough for her. Knowing that your everything wasn't enough for someone else… it fucks you up inside. You come to a point where you start to wonder if the problem is you. That maybe, just maybe, it was I who demanded too much from her. Maybe the problem was me all along. It seems as though every time I try to pull away, I keep being sucked back into her. Then these coincidences in life… The coincidence of having met her, of having driven past her that summer, maybe weren't coincidences at all.
There's always going to be something left unsaid, but to love someone is to want them to be happy no matter what, be it next to you or next to someone else. As long as she's happy, I'll be happy. No matter what venomous speech I throw at her, whatever fib I feed her to make her feel unimportant, she'll always be the centre of my universe, the happiest memory of my life. She even holds that power over me, that power of always wanting to put her before me. She's chaining me down without even wanting to. She holds the power to make me feel elated and wanting to be dead in the same breath.
Saying goodbye to her… It's not something I want to do. Ever. She has been the biggest puzzle of my life, but unfortunately, I couldn't piece her back together. So I have to say goodbye, though it's a goodbye I wish could be turned into a "please stay and let's get married", a goodbye I wish could sound like a "please fight for me, because I never would have stopped fighting for you". Even if we say goodbye, I know I'll never forget her.
Meredith, I can't promise I know how to live without you, but one thing I'm sure of…
You were the love of my life.
So tired of the straight line and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
