Author's Note: Thank you to everybody who read or review the last chapter. I do love writing Daniel acting like an idiot around Betty. Even though Daniel was supposed to be a ladies' man on the show, is it just me or did he always act stupid around women?

So the reason it has been so long between updates is I had to take my computer into the shop on June 23 and I still do not have it back. Thankfully, for you guys DocsToGo now has an iPhone version and the iPhone voice recognition software is doing much better than my old rickety computer from six years ago that I keep as a backup.

The format for this chapter is a little experimental but honestly, I wonder why I haven't done diary excerpts from Faye before in the story. I mean diary excerpts are really the only way we know anything about her on the actual show.


Chapter 29: Alex, do Not Read this until you're at least 21

Dear Diary:

I survived my first Fashion Week as CEO of Meade Publishing with rave reviews. I also survived without giving into the temptation for champagne or Coke. I nearly did give in when Wilhelmina started being Wilhelmina at one of the shows. I was expecting it to be less hectic, and it wasn't it was just a different type of insanity.

It felt strange not being at every show representing MODE but I did enjoy being the face of Meade. It felt good to throw the fact that I actually own the company I am working for in Anna's face. It also felt good to show off my husband and grandson to the woman. Finally, I'm doing better than her.

Daniel did a good job, at least a good enough job to convince everyone that he actually deserves the MODE EIC position, and he's not there just because of his last name or only to piss Wilhelmina off. Daniel managed to make the show his, despite the short notice. His time in Paris was well spent. He was even able to keep Wilhelmina from successfully sabotaging the MODE and HUDSON shows.

Thankfully, Osborne managed to keep the carnage down to a minimum afterward. It would just be bad if Wilhelmina and Daniel got into a fight, in public anyway. At one time, I very much dislike Vivian's youngest daughter, mostly because I was screwed over by her father quite literally sometime during the late seventies. However, Osborn is very much a force to be reckoned with and thankfully, nothing like her mother or father. If Alexis continues to refuse to take over MYW, Monique may be the next in line. We are considering moving her there anyway for the number two position, at the very least.

She has done a wonderful job at HUDSON. She also turn Marc into one of the best creative directors I has ever seen in just a matter of months. She's good and unlike, Wilhelmina she doesn't try to use her familial connections to get ahead. Osborne made her own way.

I hope tomorrow to convince Alexis to take the EIC job at Alex's birthday party. However, I am worried about so much of Daniel's family being together in one place. Claire and I get along fine now, but I'm not sure if all of Alex's family can truly get along for long periods of time, at least not without calling the cops.

Ignacio is going all out for baby Alex's first birthday, even though Betty and Daniel said they just wanted a small party with family. The living room is already covered in crate paper and half the stock of Party City.

I wish that my husband would have consulted me on the color scheme or at least talk to Justin about it. I love the color orange; I really do. It's the reason why it's the color of MODE. I can see it as the new black, but I do not want my living room covered in orange and blue streamers. Especially a bad shade of orange. Also, balloons and sparkles are already everywhere. Glitter on every surface. The party is not even until tomorrow and our apartment already looks like a crate paper nightmare.

I love my husband, and I know he's just excited, but I'm very thankful that there won't be any members of the press here. This would completely ruin my reputation. Even if I am no longer the EIC of a fashion magazine, I still must be fashionable at all times in public. I really should've expected something like this. I was there for Betty's birthday in April and Hilda's birthday in June. I am planning Justin's next birthday to prevent this crate paper nightmare from happening again. The teenager will appreciate it.

Ignacio is currently in the kitchen working on the birthday cake. I offered to have the bakery down the street do it, but he just has to do it himself. It's going to be two tiers with buttercream and a model of Alex and Holston made of fondant.

I think I am going to go distract my husband now. He needs a break, and I need sex.


Dear Diary:

Today was Alex's first birthday party. In many ways, it was a complete disaster. Holston and Alex managed to completely destroy the cake that Ignacio made a half an hour before the party. He also completely destroyed the outfit I was wearing. Fortunately, because this was a party for family only, I was dressed comfortably in jeans and a cardigan. When we were together, Bradford told me that Daniel did the exact same thing as a child, so I shouldn't be that surprised.

Thankfully, when your name is Faye Somers-Suarez you can get a bakery to deliver a backup birthday cake with little effort and on extremely short notice. Of course, MODE will be covering said boutique bakery in the next issue but it's a small price to pay to make sure that my Grandson had an actual birthday cake.

Unfortunately, we should've got two cakes. The second cake ended up in the face of Claire's now ex-boyfriend Hartley. The idiot said something stupid about Tyler when Claire expressed her remorse over never being there for any of their son's birthdays. Claire responded by throwing the entire birthday cake at him. From there, the entire thing disintegrated into a full out food fight. I never did have a chance to talk to Alexis about taking the job at MYW.

My white couch is now covered in chocolate cake and horrible blue frosting. It will never be clean again. My husband is happy about it because Ignacio has been trying to get me to get rid of the white furniture since he moved in and now he gets his wish. We are going to have to renovate the entire living room. Although considering how messy my grandson is, I'm actually shocked this did not become necessary earlier.

Actually, the most surprising thing of the day was that Wilhelmina was not the one who ended up with an entire cake in her face. The woman actually showed up to the birthday party. Granted, she said that she was only there to drop off Nico, but I don't believe her (shockingly, she stayed for hors d'oeuvres). She brought Alex a teddy bear that the one-year-old refuses to put down. I'm going to have to get an exact replica to replace it, just so I can get rid of the thing. I don't trust Wilhelmina at all. She probably bugged the damn thing. The only thing that made her presence tolerable was Wilhelmina did end up covered in chocolate ice cream during the food fight. Those images are my new wallpaper for my work computer.

It was also at this party that for the first time I realize that Bradford is really gone. He should've been there at Alex's first birthday party. I'm currently staring at a picture of me, Ignacio, and Claire surrounding baby Alex as he opens many presents, and I can't help but feel that Rosa and Bradford should be in that picture. The whole thing made me hate Wilhelmina just a little bit more because even though I don't have any proof yet I know she is the reason why he's gone.

Guilt over Bradford I understand because he was my lover for a very long time but how I feel about Rosa is something different entirely. If Rosa was still alive, I don't think that Ignacio and Alex would be in my life. I'm not sure if I want to imagine what my life would be like right now. Maybe, I would've been dead. Maybe, I would have crawled back to Bradford after a week or two. I don't know. Except I know that my life is better now that these wonderful people are in it. I don't want to go back to the life of the lonely socialite/businesswoman that I had before.

Now that I am a happily married woman with a man who really does love me, I realize how toxic my relationship with Bradford really was but that doesn't mean that I don't love him and that I wish he were still alive. Alex should get to know his grandfather. The man wasn't a complete bastard he just had trouble letting people know how he felt about them. A lot of trouble.

I hate the fact that I now know he actually loved me because of something he put in his will. How dare that bastard tell me that in a video that his lawyer gives to me after his death? Why couldn't he tell me that he loved me before? Why did he give me his company? Why did he ask me to look after Alex, DJ, Daniel and Alexis? I don't know, and the bastards gone and I can't...

This morning I received another one of those videos from the lawyers. The disc contained a special video message for Alex. I cried, and Daniel ended up crying on Betty's shoulder after he did quite a bit of property damage. Actually, Betty "consoling" Daniel was one of the few good things that happened during the party. I really wish they would just get it together.

Honestly, it was a miracle nobody got arrested. I'm just glad that we decided to have a dry party. Imagine how chaotic this family get-together would have been if alcohol was served. It would have been the Alexis' wake all over again.


Dear Alex:

Your daddy is so sorry that your first birthday party became a chocolate and ice cream filled disaster. For your second birthday you, me, mommy Betty, and DJ are going to find a nice quiet Chuck E. Cheese like place and celebrate alone. No extended family whatsoever, especially the crazy ones.

The scary thing is your Aunt Alexis was probably the most well behaved person at the party. I was expecting things to be awkward between us, but it was really good. She even brought your brother DJ a present because she didn't want him to feel left out. Alexis said she always got jealous of me at my birthday because she never got anything herself, and that was why she stole all my gifts. I'm not even kidding about that. Your Aunt Alexis and I have lots of issues-beyond her becoming your Aunt Alexis and her faking her death to do so. I love her but sometimes I really wanted to strangle him-her.

The Alex/Alexis thing is confusing. What pronoun do I use to describe your aunt back when she was still your uncle? I figure that question is beyond your one year of experience. I'm an adult and I still don't always know how to deal with your Aunt Alexis.

You're probably wondering why I'm writing you this letter, but it's kind of hard to explain. Today at your birthday party your grandfather Bradford's lawyer dropped off a video that he filmed before he died. It was a message about how much he loved you and loved me and was proud of me and hoped that I would get to be a part of your life when Betty was ready to tell me the truth. I lost it. I owe your Grandma Faye a new television, and I cried into your mom sweater for nearly an hour. I was a complete mess. It was a horrible thing for your grandfather to tell me how much he actually loved me in a video that I was only meant to see once he was dead. I don't want it to be like that with us.

Then Amanda told me about all these letters that Faye always wrote to her on her birthday. I think she told me about it to make me feel better about your grandfather Being a -Word I can't say to a one-year-old. I don't really know. Your Aunt Amanda is weird sometimes. It didn't work because at least Amanda got to see the letters before Faye died. The entire conversation got me thinking maybe I should write you one of these letters but the difference being that you'll get to see it before I die, I hope. With Wilhelmina as a business partner, who knows? I'm pretty sure she's the reason you only have one grandpa.

So, I'm planning to tell you this all the time but I do love you. I know I wasn't there for the first few months of your life, at least not all the time but, I've always love you even before I knew you were my biological son. I always wanted you from the first moment I held you. It was even before then. The first time I placed my hand on your mother's stomach I knew I would love you for the rest of my life.

Your mom loves you too, enough to give me up, enough to do anything to keep you safe. Maybe I'm still mad at her for doing that but I get it and if our positions were reversed I would've done the same thing. I would do anything to keep you safe and happy. If you really think about it, I left Betty behind for DJ, so I would do anything for my children.

I don't know what's going on with me and your mom. I love her. I really, really love her but sometimes, I don't know what I'm doing. I mean when we first met we had this easy relationship where I could tell her anything but now there's so much baggage and so much bitterness, and I just want us to go back to where we were before, but I just don't know how to get back to that place. I'm not even sure it's entirely possible. It's not just the two of us anymore. We have you and DJ to think about.

After watching your grandfather Bradford's video we kind of... Okay, your way too young to know what your mom and I almost did in Grandma Faye's guestroom, but if your cousin Justin did not show up-yeah we would've done something that we're not ready to do yet-Something that you better not due until you're at least 17, according to the laws of the state of New York. It's just when I kiss your mom all I want to do is something your way too little to know about.

Normally, I'm better at controlling that sort of thing but your mom-I love her so much and when I'm around her, I can't think. I just-this is why things are so confusing between us. We're going to figure it out because you deserve better than a mom and dad who are acting like 12-year-olds. That is what your cousin Justin told us when he walked in on me taking off your mom's...

He said most of the kids in his class are more mature than us. I have to agree with him.

I completely agree with Justin because as I was getting ready to leave after the party from hell I may have said something to your mom about... Okay, was a complete di—donkey to her. I asked if she was planning on telling me that you were my son before your first birthday. Your mom got really quiet, and I started yelling and I've already sent your mom an apology basket of flowers. I just hope that maybe your mom will be speaking to me tomorrow morning at work.

On a positive note, at least things are better between me and Betty then things between my parents where when I was your age, but that's mostly because monogamy was a foreign concept to my parents.

Betty and I were able to come up with your perfect birthday present before we started acting like farm animals and preteens. It looks like you enjoyed your new fish or rather aquarium. We were going to get you a dog, but DJ is allergic. Your brother has named most of them for you, but we saved one for you when you're older. You seemed pretty excited about it before your birthday party erupted into chaos.

Again, sorry about the birthday party, but I'm pretty sure you had fun rolling around and cake and ice cream on your grandmother's favorite white couch.

Another positive is at least you don't have to worry about Hartley becoming your step-grandfather. I never thought I would say this but Faye Somers is a much preferable stepparent or step grandparent. Although just between you and me, I preferred that she became your Step-grandmother through Grandpa Suarez and not just because of what it would have done to my family. Faye deserves someone better than your Grandpa Bradford.

I mean it's not that I'm happy you're never going to really get to meet him because even though he was a bastard he had some good points. It's just I don't think your grandfather really knew how to love people. I mean he showed that he loved us with things and money, but he never said the words out loud, not when it really mattered, and now he's gone and I'm writing you this letter because I just want to make sure that you know I really do love you despite everything.

Also unlike with my dad, my love is unconditional. I will still love you even if decide that you want to follow your Aunt Alexis' footsteps and become another Alexis or decide to get a bunch of tattoos and join the circus, or whatever normal people do to rebel against their parents. I just did a lot of pills and gave a lot of random guys hand J-I don't care what you do as long as you're happy. (Although, it would be nice if you can avoid the drugs. The other thing is okay as long as you do it with someone you actually care about and not just to piss me off).

I will love you no matter who you turn out to be. Please remember that.

Love, your dad


Dear Diary:

I usually don't write twice in one day, but I felt like I needed to write again after the conversation I just had with my youngest stepdaughter. Before leaving, Betty and Daniel had a rather heated argument about her not telling Daniel about Alex being his son despite being under extreme distress. She was crying because she still feels guilty about keeping Daniel from Alex even for just a few short months. The whole thing made me think about Amanda's father and how the man still doesn't know about his daughter.

Amanda asked me again about him last week, and I was unable to answer her. It makes sense that she's mad about it and the fact that this was Alex's birthday weekend just made things worse. Birthdays have always been a complicated thing between me and her. I was there for every single one, even though she didn't know that I was her birthmother. I know part of her is still bitter and angry that I kept the truth from her for so long. Now she's angry that I won't tell her who her father is. The whole thing came out again at Alex's birthday party after the baby Daniel argument. Of course instead of throwing food at me, she consumed an entire tray of tamales.

The truth of the matter is I'm afraid to tell her the truth. I'm afraid that Amanda will love her father more than me. I'm afraid that he won't love her, and he will not want anything to do with her. During the break up, Claire's Bradford placebo said something to that effect about Tyler and Matt through an entire bowl of punch at his father after the cake. Really why did we invite Matt to this party? It was probably because Betty is nice to everyone.

Also, Justin's father wanted nothing to do with him until I was in the picture. A rich grandmother makes everything better. Now he comes over every once in a while and makes snide comments about Justin not being manly enough. Who the fuck gave him the right to decide what's masculine? He wasn't around. He has no right to say anything like that. I gave Amanda up for adoption, and I was around more than he was. Hell, I even paid for her school and most of her clothes. That prick never pay child support until I got my lawyers involved.

Maybe, I'm afraid Spencer will be the exact same way but it's not my choice. I would be an absolute hypocrite if I kept this from Spencer after berating Betty for the last year to tell Daniel the truth. I hate hypocrites, and I don't want to be that type of person. I don't want to be who I used to be. I want Alex, Justin, and Amanda to respect me, to look up to me. For that to happen, I have to tell Spencer the truth.


Dear Spencer Canon:

You may not remember me, but my name is Faye Somers-Suarez although the "Suarez" part of my last name is a recent development. On a hot Spring night in1981, we shared a Coke field encounter at studio 54. You may not remember, I barely remember it actually, but the thing I remember the most is your Tweety Bird tattoo and the fact that you were shocked that my breasts were real. Apparently, in the days right before the AIDS epidemic we were too stoned out of our mind to consider using a condom and the result was a beautiful young baby name, Amanda born nine months later.

She will be 25 in January and is the executive administrative assistant to the EIC of HUDSON magazine. She's also a student at the University Of Manhattan School Of Design, and I'm happy to say that she got in without the entire world knowing that she's my daughter. She's brilliant when she focuses although sometimes her designs can be a little bit on the flaky side but she's getting there. She is also in a committed relationship with a nice young accountant named Kenny who I actually like and would be perfectly okay with it if became my son-in-law several years from now.

I can't take any credit for the good things that she's done. I was a complete mess back then and could not raise a child. I'm an addict even though I've been sober for the last 15 months. I'm addicted to Coke, alcohol, and fashion. Then I didn't think I was strong enough to stay sober enough to actually raise a child. Being a working mother was an abstract concept especially being a single working mother, and I was just named EIC of Mode, being the youngest one in the history of the company. I wasn't fit to be a mother, so I found a loving couple from Long Island, who couldn't have a child. They loved Amanda as if she was their own flesh and blood. They gave her everything I couldn't and I will be forever grateful for how well they took care of her.

They also allowed me to be in her life. Unfortunately, Amanda had no idea who I was to her. For a long time, Amanda just assumed I was some cool family friend who took her out for ice cream or hot chocolate on her birthday and bought her designer prom dresses.

Then a year and a half ago I had a heart attack and I almost died. Because of that I decided that I needed to change my life, and that meant making Amanda, a bigger part of it. I'm glad I did because I truly do love my daughter.

At this point, you may be wondering why I am having my attorney give this letter to your agent after so long. I'm not asking for money. I have more than enough. I own a large share of Meade Publishing and my husband is a professional chef and is currently in talks for his own Food Network show. After some interesting conversations with my stepdaughter, I realized that I have no right to keep you away from your daughter even though I fear your reaction.

I hope that you would want to come to know the beautiful, intelligent young woman that I love so much. If you don't want to then that's your choice and I will just make something up, so Amanda doesn't know the truth. However, if you do want to be a part of her life we will make arrangements for you to meet her.

I'm sure part of you may doubt my story. My reputation precedes me. Up until my marriage a month ago, I had a reputation for being sexually promiscuous and slowly making my way through the male and female populations of New York. There was a time during the late 70s when that was very true, however, a lot of that is just talk. In the last five years, I've had sex with three people. My current husband, my former boyfriend Bradford of nearly two decades, and my former girlfriend, Sheila.

That night at Studio 54 was the first time I had sex with a guy in two months. After that encounter, I slept with no one else until four months after Amanda's birth. It is possible that you're not the only man in New York with a Tweety Bird tattoo and maybe, the private detective I hired to find you was completely wrong. We can have a DNA test done. I preferred to do it without Amanda's knowledge because I want to protect her. If you would like to do this please contact my attorney. The information is at the bottom of the letter.

But let me just say in closing Amanda is a wonderful person, and I hope that you want to get to know her. She's one of the best parts of my life now.

With Sincere and Truthful Regards

Faye Summer-Suarez