If I Fall
Chapter 29
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"Naruto, dammit, stand still." Sasuke yanked at his lover's collar and wrapped the tie around his neck, adjusting the sides so it would fall properly. "You really need to learn how to do this."
"I know, I'm hopeless." Naruto was bouncing a little, which Sasuke supposed he'd have to take as being the closest the blonde was about to come to standing perfectly still at the moment. Their friends had been returning throughout the day, knowing how New Years was an important holiday for them all to share, and since this was the last one of their combined college career, no one had been surprised when Temari had made an edict that morning that they'd all be dressing up and she'd be inviting everyone, which Naruto had nervously speculated meant that even Kiba and Hinata would be there. This was a big deal to him, but Sasuke didn't fool himself that this was the reason his lover couldn't stand still long enough to have the tie put on.
"Ugh, it's too short now...you need to stay still if you want it to look right." Sasuke hissed and pulled the knot out, gripping him by the shoulders and fastening him with a steely gaze. "Don't you want to look nice for Gaara?" Cheap shot, perhaps, but it certainly got the job done. Naruto's face drained of blood as he suddenly went completely still, then he flushed crimson and gave Sasuke a look of such shame that the Uchiha almost felt guilty for bringing up the obvious.
"It's not...I'm not...but..." Naruto sputtered then shook himself so vigorously that all of Sasuke's work went to waste, not to mention messing up his hair. Privately, Sasuke liked it better without it being combed down, but he was also aware that having Naruto run around with bedhead wasn't exactly within the strictures of formal dress. "I'm nervous to see him."
"I know, and it's fine that you are." Sasuke rolled his eyes and leaned forward, kissing him soundly until he felt the tense shoulders loosen, and he pulled away, using his fingers to fix Naruto's hair and then returning to the tie. "I'm not upset, so you don't need to get worked up. Why wouldn't you be nervous? When you saw him last, he was terrified to look at you, so I'm sure you're worried about what he's going to be like now, if it's going to be more...like it was."
"I'm excited to see everyone else, too!" Naruto defended. "I mean, I've seen some of them, already. Did you see how big Tenten is now?"
"She looked like that two weeks ago." Sasuke couldn't stop himself grinning. "She's hardly gotten more pregnant in that little time."
"Still...but I haven't seen her since they went to see their parents, so it was like a surprise...kind of." Naruto chuckled, and Sasuke laughed with him, unable to resist that innocently eager face. "And I haven't really had a chance to talk to Sakura! I wanted to make sure Sai's mom wasn't horrible to her, but they went to their room so fast to get ready..."
"Get ready? So that's what we're calling it now." Sasuke snorted as he finally conquered the tie and then looked over at their clock. "Hey, I think we have enough time to 'get ready' at least once before Temari notices we're not down there. It's only ten."
"Saaaasuke!" Naruto shook his fists impatiently and stomped dramatically in a fit that was unmistakably reminiscent of Aki in some of her more inspired moments, and Sasuke started laughing all over again at this spot-on imitation.
"Just kidding, I know you want to go down and see everyone." he assured his lover, checking his own reflection before crossing to open the door. "Let's go, but you have to promise we can 'get ready' later."
"Oh, no, I was planning on never doing that with you ever again." Naruto decided that if Sasuke was going to tease him, he'd tease his lover right back. He was in exceptionally high spirits. His tie was tied properly, everyone was going to be here, and he was sure that Gaara would be all better again. It was going to be the greatest New Years ever. "Decided it's overrated."
"Really?" Sasuke wasn't fooled for an instant. "Then maybe Neji won't mind--"
"Naruto! Sasuke! Finally." Ino accosted them as they came down the stairs, grabbed Sasuke's arm and dragged them both toward the living room. "Sakura says she has to make an announcement, but she won't say what until everyone's here. Not even to tell me." she looked as though she found this to be completely ridiculous and unfair. "For once you guys are later even than Neji and Gaara."
"Told you we didn't have time." Naruto whispered as they were swept into the living room, which was tastefully decorated and full of friends and amazing looking food. "Whoa...Temari, did you make this? How did you get these tomatoes to do this--"
"It's catered, doofus." Ino rolled her eyes and snapped her fingers at the pink-haired woman standing across the room with Sai's arm around her waist. "Look, everyone's here!"
"Oh good god, are you pregnant too?" Sasuke blurted out the first thing that occurred to him at the sight of her pink cheeks and Sai's proud expression, and everyone turned to him in surprise before turning back to Sakura who went from looking surprised to annoyed to amused in the space of a few moments.
"Um, yes. Yes I am." she finally confirmed to several gasps from around the room. "Not exactly how I pictured making the announcement, but I don't think any sort of planning in this house amounts to anything."
"Crap, I swear, it's the fucking water!" Kankurou shook his head ruefully and was smacked sharply by his sister. "What? I should know! And don't get on my case about language, there aren't any kids still awake. Unless you think all the fetuses present count. Right Suri? No way Shizuka can hear me from home, right?" his ex tried to repress the urge to laugh while Chouji rolled his eyes by her side.
"Just...shut up." Temari rolled her eyes. She looked very strained, but Naruto supposed she had probably been working for quite some time pulling this all together, and she wanted it to come off perfectly. Also, it appeared that Hinata was here with Suteru, and Kiba had come as well. He was shadowing her at what possibly he judged to be a safe distance, but Naruto could see at once that no matter what Temari might feel, Kiba was definitely still very much in love with her. Maybe in the spirit of new beginnings and the holiday she would forgive him? Naruto hated his friends looking unhappy. He moved forward to hug Sakura, to congratulate her, and be shunted aside by Ino, who was loudly complaining that Sakura had promised to let her know about this before anyone else, and she'd broken her word, so now, if Naruto was following the conversation properly, she got to see Sai naked. Shikamaru was sitting in a chair across the room, pretending not to hear his pregnant wife and focusing on not being noticed. And with Chouji so close to Suri, possibly trying to shield her from Kankurou, and Shiori at her own boyfriend's side, letting him offer her bits of food with a patient sort of forbearing expression, he might just be successful, although Naruto knew that it was likely Sasuke at least would join the hermit club before the end of the night. It was sweet to see the girls making much of Sakura, to see the look of pride on Sai's face, and he even had a chance to exchange a few words with Hinata before he finally saw what he'd been looking for since they came down.
Neji looked amazing dressed up, he always made it look like he'd been born in expensive tailor-made clothing. He was easily visible in the back corner near the television, sitting in a casually graceful way, sampling bites off a small plate, and on the ground beside him, there was an unmistakable flash of red. Gaara was between the chair and the wall, sitting on the floor, probably not the best way to sit in the nice clothes he was wearing, and at first it struck Naruto as odd that Temari wasn't on his case to either stand up and save his pants from wrinkling, or just berating him for being anti-social, but after the initial pleasure of seeing his friends for the first time in nearly two weeks, Naruto moved past the facade, and as he grew closer to them, cheerful words ready to speak, he saw them. Really saw them. Firstly, Neji wasn't touching Gaara at all, no part of him touched the other man at all, and Naruto realized what had looked like casual grace was a controlled pose meant to look casual, but the main aim was now clearly to keep him from encroaching on the little triangle of space Gaara had claimed for himself where he was least visible to everyone else in the room. Despite this, his eyes kept darting to the redhead, looking for something, but what it was Naruto could only speculate. The silver gaze seemed sad, resigned, and amazingly tired, so that Naruto felt the urge to just hug him. And then there was Gaara himself.
Arms around his legs, chin on his knees, eyes watching the room warily as though expecting attack from any direction, plate of food in front of him that was clearly untouched, and had most likely been gathered by Neji or possibly even Temari. He had no interest in that, nor did he seem to have any interest in the man who hovered over him protectively, but carefully. And when those mint-green eyes spotted Naruto and realized where he was going, who he was looking at, the terror that suffused his expression was so complete, Naruto felt his chest ache with the pain of it. It wasn't clear if Gaara hated him, but he clearly didn't want Naruto to be anywhere near him. But he couldn't just ignore him, he couldn't just cast him away...
"He...hello," he found he couldn't think of anything clever to say now that he was right there, with Neji's sad eyes and Gaara's terrified gaze on him. "It's good to see you back...both of you. How was...um, your vacation?"
"Hello, Neji." Sasuke, who Naruto had momentarily forgotten was there put an arm around him protectively and deliberately, turning a venomous glare toward the redhead, who visibly flinched. "Gaara. How are you?"
"Sasuke...don't." Naruto had to fight the urge to hide in his lover's arms, because it hurt so bad to see both of them so damaged, and to feel like in a weird way, it was his fault. If only he could think of some way to fix it...something to cure that fear in Gaara's eyes, so he would know...know that it was really okay and he hadn't...
And it came to him, simple and sweet, but cruel, so cruel. He turned into Sasuke's arms, and they went around him tight, as though he'd been waiting for that, wanting to shelter him, and he wondered if he could do it, knowing the hurt he was going to cause, and realized that if Sasuke really meant everything he said...that it would be okay. Everything would be okay, and he could make it okay. He knew he could. The answer was so simple, he wondered why it hadn't occurred to him until that moment.
"Sasuke," he breathed so that only his lover could hear, and he felt lips on his head, fingers in his hair undoing all of Sasuke's careful work from before. "Sasuke, I love you, but I have to do this if I'm going to fix things." He felt the other man go very stiff and still, and he knew that Sasuke at least had some idea of what he planned, and as he pulled away, he could see that Sasuke was not in the least bit happy about this, but as they looked at each other, he schooled his expression and gave a single, tight nod. He understood how important this was to him, and he was giving his permission, and so...
"Naruto?" Neji's voice cracked a little when the blonde turned and knelt in front of Gaara, smiling brilliantly and offering his hands. Gaara was looking at them as though they were live snakes, but Naruto spoke to him soothingly.
"It's okay. Come on, let's go talk." his tone was soft and gentle, and it was clear there was a conflict going on in Gaara's mind. He trusted Naruto, he knew him, he loved him...and yet he feared him, feared what he was capable of doing...so it was hard to say what he would do. Neji and Sasuke were both watching, one resigned, one hopeful, and they both started breathing again when Gaara took the hands and offered Naruto the briefest glimpse of a smile—the first such expression Neji had seen in weeks, and the Hyuuga wanted to cry out at the injustice of it. And just like that, the blonde led the redhead away, leaving the two brunettes to look at each other warily. Neji felt hope and despair mingled, and he wondered what it was Sasuke was feeling, having no idea that in a lot of ways, they felt the same in that moment.
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"Look, there's your opening!" Shiori hissed and pushed Kankurou toward Suri, who was miraculously alone. The blonde had been thinking that Chouji would never leave her side a moment, which would have been a shame, as Kankurou really did clean up nice, and she should be admiring him instead of sheltering with Chouji.
"Um..." Kankurou managed only a panicked backwards glance before he had to control his forward momentum or plow right in to Suri, who smiled to see him, having grown used to his friendly company over the course of winter break.
Finally. Now...just close the deal already. Shiori willed Kankurou to stop the joking and comfortable camaraderie he'd fallen into with his ex. He needed to get serious if he really wanted her back, and unfortunately, he couldn't always rely on Shiori to back him up. Maybe soon...you'll have to keep up the good work on your own.
He really should have let me get Chouji out of the way, this would be over already, and it wouldn't have hurt me at all. His situation, after all was so much simpler than mine, and still he struggles. Idiot. He's too soft, and he doesn't even realize it.
But Kankurou, after all, wasn't really the sort of guy who actually wanted a long-term relationship, no matter what he said, she knew he was just going through one of his whims. Even if he won Suri back, he'd be cheating on her again within the space of two months, three if he was too worn out from this effort to seek anyone else out for a while.
Hell, if I went to him three hours after he got her to agree to get back together, he'd still want me, and he'd take me if I let him. That's just the sort of guy he is. Kankurou...he claimed to be in love with Suri, but it didn't stop him sleeping with her every chance he got. Some guys had no idea what they wanted. And even the ones who thought they knew...they could be shown differently. She was sure of that. Now, in her own case, it was different. It wasn't like she wanted to sleep with Kankurou. She just needed him for now, and sex was about all that man understood.
Shiori loved a challenge, and maybe that was why she had fallen in love with someone so inaccessible. But she could see that if she could only win him over, Shikamaru would never leave her, he would be true to her forever. He thought that he loved Ino, that he wanted to always be with her, but he didn't realize, Ino was just a worn out, used-up, less intelligent version of Shiori. And Shikamaru loved someone who could challenge him intellectually. That was something Ino couldn't possibly hope to do. Shiori wasn't even sure how she passed her classes, and thought it was likely she had planned the second pregnancy so that she would be spared the hard work and difficulty that was clearly beyond her offered by medical school. Shiori, however...she was the one Shikamaru had really been waiting for. That was something she knew for sure.
Slowly, she'd been growing closer to him, planting herself as his student and then as one of his circle to draw him in even closer and have more opportunity to spend time with him and endear herself to his friends. Dating Kankurou...she had thought that might be a mistake, because he clearly held the other man in contempt, but she figured that if nothing else, it appealed to his need to rescue her, the beautiful, brilliant girl who he must even now be falling more and more in love with every day. She'd been around him for months now, and she was sure that tonight would be a great chance to make her intentions known. Even if he initially rejected her, he wouldn't tell Ino for two key reasons.
First, she was irrational, and she would blame him. He didn't want to get in trouble for not doing anything. Second, he might say he didn't want her, but he did. She knew he did. So he'd keep her offer secret to save his chance until he was ready to accept, which might take time, but would happen in the end.
Initially, things would be complicated. She might be his mistress, so then the role as Kankurou's girlfriend would continue to be convenient until he finally ended up closing the deal with Suri and severed his tie to her. She'd stop sleeping with him at that point, which would likely cause him to actually focus on his ex. There was plenty she had done and did do for him, he hardly had room for complaint. And anyway, Suri was the one he wanted. It wouldn't break his heart to lose the girl he'd meant to break up with weeks ago.
He is such an idiot in some ways...but I know he'll be all right. He's a lot smarter than people give him credit for, and even if he ends up wasting it, I'm sure he can win Suri back if he really focuses. He's the sort of guy that...if he can really be made to try, he can do anything he wants, get anything he wants.
Except me, of course.
We're too similar, our tricks don't really work on each other.
"Hey," she bent casually near Shikamaru, who was watching his wife rubbing her still-flat stomach and chattering amiably with Tenten, Hinata, and Sakura across the room. "Can you help me with something?"
"Hm?" he blinked and looked up at her, his expression dry and disinterested as always. In a weird way, that was one of the things that had drawn her to him. She wasn't used to guys...well, straight guys, looking at her without some spark of desire in their eyes, which would inevitably stare at her body rather than her face. No guy ever really took her seriously or listened to her the way Shikamaru did. He only cared about what she had to say.
She was looking forward to wiping that bland expression off his face, though.
"I was planning a surprise," she tilted her head toward Kankurou and flushed, letting him think what he would. "I need you." it tickled her to say that, knowing that he didn't know how she meant it, how sincerely she really did need him, and had for months.
"Ugh." he rolled his eyes, but stood up very grudgingly. "Well?"
"It's out back, near the pool." she told him, and he heaved a great sigh before shuffling away. She intended to follow him, but she didn't want to alert Ino as to what she had in mind, so she stood around for a few moments, watching the blonde woman to see if she would even notice her husband had left the room. She was now listening to Tenten's stomach, and loudly speculating about what the boy inside would look like, much to Shino's embarrassment, so she had no idea what was going on.
Pleased with herself, Shiori left the room quietly, not realizing that at least one person had noticed her leaving. She saw Gaara being pulled down the hall by Naruto, and wondered for about the twentieth time since she'd met them what was going on between those two and their respective lovers.
Whatever, now's not the time for gay-boy speculation.
She hurried down the hall after they closed the door to Gaara's room and went past it, out the back, where Shikamaru was standing, looking cold, annoyed, and impatient. "Well?" he asked as she slid the glass door closed, and she smiled brilliantly, twirling her skirt a bit. She knew how good she looked in this dress. It was deep purple satin, and it made her eyes seem darker than they were, her skin extremely pale.
"Do you like my dress?" she asked, doing a little spin, and he blinked at her in confusion.
"It's fine, I guess." he shrugged, and she giggled, "What's the surprise? Your amazing ability to spin your skirt? Because I'm going to warn you, Aki mastered that about two weeks ago, so you might have some competition."
"You really love your daughter, don't you?" she let the spin take her closer to him than she normally would have stood, especially in mixed company, but now...finally, she had him alone, she was looking her best, and after all this time, he must realize, even if he didn't consciously admit to it, what she was really after, what she had been since about three hours after she first met him. "You're a very good man, Shikamaru."
"It's hard not to," Shikamaru shrugged, shoving his hands in his pockets. "Ask Kankurou."
"You know, seeing you with her...it might be weird for some people," she leaned in, gently gripping his arms, "But it only makes me love you more." she breathed, soft as silk, and before the words or her closeness could really process, she pulled him to her for a kiss, perfect and soft, here in the winter moonlight. It was everything she'd been waiting for, and it was exactly like she knew it would be, the smell of him thick around her, his hands coming out his pockets to grip at her convulsively, and that noise in his throat, so satisfying to hear him react. To hear him react to her.
But then it all went wrong.
"Shiori!" his hands, the warm grip that she had thought were pulling her in, pushed her away so hard she nearly tripped and fell into the pool. "What the fuck! I'm married!"
"I noticed," she rolled her eyes, trying to hide her hurt. Well, of course he would put up some token resistance. If it had really been that easy, would she have been satisfied? "But you could do so much better. You know the only reason you're with her is because of Aki. Wake up, Shikamaru! You don't have to stay with her to have your daugther. You're much smarter and more responsible than her, you could probably get custody if you wanted, and she wouldn't really fight. She's got another one coming, she can keep that one." she offered a sly grin. "Or does she?"
"What...what are you even..." his eyes were wide, his expression unreadable, so she pressed on.
"Well, it's awfully convenient." she explained, shrugging slowly. "I show up, medical school looming, what can she do to get out of all that work and keep you from leaving her? Oops, I'm pregnant again!" she clapped a hand to her mouth before laughing harshly and shaking her head. "Please, do you really believe that? She sees how you look at me. I see...I understand, and I'm just letting you know, I want you, too."
"Shiori...I don't...don't look at you any way." Shikamaru shook his head in disbelief. "You...she isn't like that. You don't have a clue what Ino's like, so don't pretend--"
"Are you kidding? I practically am Ino, but smarter, prettier, and with more going for me." she flipped her blonde hair pointedly. "I'm the person you always wish Ino was. You know," she lowered her voice and stepped forward, reaching out for his tie. "To start...I'd be fine with being your mistress. Or we could just give it a try, you know. See how you feel after we step into the pool house," she indicated the refurbished shed on the other side of the pool. "I promise, when I'm done with you, you won't even remember her name." she breathed, her voice low and husky.
"No thanks," Shikamaru batted her hands away, still looking shaky and surprised. Had he really not expected this? No wonder it was giving him so much trouble. He probably thought she was kidding. "I don't get you. Aren't you dating Kankurou?"
"Why would you think I would want to?" she asked, hands on hips. "He's nowhere near my league, you're the one I want, and he's just the easiest path. Don't think I'll stop now, after one little rejection."
"Wait...but aren't you sleeping with him?" Shikamaru's eyes bugged out in alarm. "Or is he just making all that up?"
"Oh, I am," from the look of disgust on his face, this was clearly a mistake. "Only so I can get to you...if you want me to stop, maybe you should say something..."
"What?" he snorted, stepping around her so he could grab the handle of the door to let himself back in. "Tell him you're throwing yourself at every other guy in the house? No thanks, I saw what happened to Chouji, I'd rather you just fuck it up yourself. And if anyone deserves someone two-timing him..."
"It's not every other guy!" she was a bit annoyed at that, but he was back in before she even finished her protest, racing down the hall toward his wife, away from her. "It's just...just you. It was always you."
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"I got her the cutest onesie, it has little ears, she looks like a little bear cub in it." Suri told Kankurou, who was only paying her cursory attention. He was interested in Shizuka, sure, but he was planning to tell Shiori he'd changed his mind tonight. New Years love confession, who could resist that? Not that he'd say love, that was not a good idea, he was pretty sure. "Chouji took pictures, I'm sure, you should ask him to show you. Or you'll see her in it soon, probably. It's so adorable."
"Sounds nice." he smiled briefly and turned just in time to see Shiori leaving the room alone. Perfect. Probably she was going to the bathroom, and on the way out, before she came back in here, he'd catch her alone, kiss her and tell her...well, he'd think of something awesome to say when the time came. He was sure of that. "Hey, I gotta run to the bathroom real quick, but I'll be back, cool?"
"Oh...sure, that's fine!" Suri seemed so pleased every time she had a friendly conversation with Kankurou, that he was starting to wonder if she really did still have a thing for him, or just genuinely wanted them to be friendly. Well...now that he'd realized he was in love with Shiori, it would have to be the second one, after all. He glanced back to see her talking to Sai and then headed on toward the bathroom...but the light was off, and it was open, clearly empty.
"Shiori?" he walked toward the dark kitchen, thinking maybe she'd wanted something to drink other than champagne or cider, but as he moved across the foyer, he caught a flash of gold in the corner of his eye and saw she was outside by the pool, her hair glistening in the moonlight, her skin ephemeral in the glow reflected by the water.
Oh man, this is going to rule. The atmosphere out there would be just perfect for telling her...well, whatever it was he felt he could afford to admit to at this point. But as he walked down the hall, he saw that she wasn't alone. She was talking to Shikamaru, twirling her dress, smiling at him and then...and then...
You have to be kidding me...
Even as she leaned in, her hands on his arms, her face softer and sweeter than he had ever seen it, he wanted to believe he wasn't seeing this, or that he was making assumptions that were clearly wrong. Shiori would never...and Shikamaru would definitely never...Ino would kill him and string him up.
When her lips met his, Kankurou felt his heart stop.
I can't...can't breathe.
He saw Shikamaru grab her, and his vision blurred, and he couldn't breathe, and he had to get out, get away, somehow...somehow...he whirled and ran across the foyer, hoping they hadn't seen him, but knowing there was no way they had. Not with the way she'd been looking at him, focusing so completely on him. And how could Shikamaru resist that? How could anyone with an ounce of sanity?
He nearly fell down the stairs in his rush to get down them, away, far away from that thing he'd seen, that horrible thing that he had missed guessing at somehow. He'd always been able to guess these things when it came to his friends, but now...now when it was right in front of his face. He slammed his door and collapsed on his bed, despair and anger mingling, causing him to pound his fists into his pillow and curse and yell even as tears spilled from his eyes.
I guess I know what she wanted now. No wonder she didn't bother to tell me. They've probably been seeing each other behind my back for a while now. Probably just biding her time until he leaves Ino or she finds out and kills them both.
I can't believe...she'd fuck me and then turn around and look at him like that...does it really mean so little? And she was going to hook up with Chouji, just to help me...and she doesn't even care about me! I know she'll just turn on him, too, even if she actually gives a shit about him.
Which he had seen she did. He wasn't actually that familiar with the adoring expression he'd seen on her face, but it wasn't completely alien to him, having lived with all these sappy couples for years.
Shiori loved Shikamaru, or at least thought that she loved him, that was clear.
But does she even know that? Or does she just think it's fun fucking up people's lives? God, and how can Shikamaru do that to Ino? She's pregnant with his second fucking kid!
But as righteous as these thoughts made him feel, he knew that his greatest concern was that if Shiori loved Shikamaru, there really wasn't any place for Kankurou in her heart. And the thought of sleeping with her while she played her part...after seeing the way she looked at him...it made him feel sick.
Eventually, he calmed down enough to breathe properly, to stop beating the stuffing out of his pillow, and to stem the flow of tears, but the pain was deep. He couldn't make any girl really care about him. Not Suri, and not Shiori. He glanced at his clock, worn out and emotionally exhausted. 12:35.
That's weird, Temari hadn't stormed down her to yell at him for missing midnight. Well, with Kiba and Hinata here, she was probably distracted, so that was fine. Although...he really wished he could feel like he was important to anyone at that moment. No one had noticed he'd been gone, no one had cared that he'd missed the party. Not his sister, not his girlfriend, not anyone.
He rolled over and stared at the wall, miserable, and heard the doorknob turn.
"Kankurou?" Shiori's voice made his every muscle tense. He thought he'd deadened the ache, but her voice cut him deeply. "Are you awake?" she crept into the room, closing the door and lowering her voice so as not to wake him if he was sleeping.
"Yeah." He didn't turn to face her. He couldn't look at her right then. It hurt so badly just to hear her voice, it seemed like if he saw her, he might die.
"You missed midnight." there was a clunking that was probably Shiori removing her shoes and then a soft, drunken giggle. "I was gonna kiss you."
"Really?" he couldn't keep the cynicism out of his tone, and he clenched his teeth when she fell into the bed, draping her warm, soft limbs over him, the satin brushing his skin, her hair tickling his cheek.
"Of course!" she giggled again, as if realizing she'd forgotten to whisper that time. "Of course..." she repeated in a very loud whisper. "I can kiss you now." Another burst of giggles, her hair jiggling over his skin. "It's bad luck not to kiss at midnight, ya know."
"Don't strain yourself." he grumbled, lifting an arm to shift her aside, but she only slipped under it, falling over his other side so that she was lying next to him, face to face. She smelled like champagne, but unmistakably, under that, the peach smell of her skin and the soft smell of her shampoo filled his senses.
"Don't." his breathing was harsh, and though he wanted her to leave, he was gripping her arms tight enough he was probably hurting her a little. "I can't...not right now."
"Oh? So did you get Suri to--" he kissed her then, deep and desperate and drunk on her. Instead of her stopping him, she wriggled closer and slipped a hand down to the waistband of the slacks he was still wearing.
"S—stop." he pulled back, breathing ragged and voice cracking. "I don't want--"
"It feels like you do want," Shiori giggled and tilted her head, licking the shell of his ear as she cupped him with a warm, knowing hand. "C'mon, we should celebrate your victory."
"Why...why are you..." Kankurou was nearly sobbing as he struggled to control his body, which was swiftly betraying him in favor of Shiori's encouraging caresses. "You don't...don't even...I'm not who you want."
"You're not who I want," she ground against him, pushing him onto his back and climbing on top of him. "That doesn't stop you."
"And I didn't...have any victory." he hissed sharply as sucked his earlobe and opened his pants at the same time, giving her hands better access. "So just...just go. Tonight's been fucking...miserable, I don't feel...feel like..."
"Aw, come on," she wrapped a hand around his length and squeezed, breathing on his ear, knowing how that usually affected him. "Don't be sad, it doesn't suit you. You'll cheer up in a second, I know." she moved, and he released her, thinking she was going to climb off him, but instead she moved down and took him in her mouth, causing him to let out a choked noise of surprise.
"Gah...fuck..." it took everything he had to concentrate on pushing her away. What she was doing felt amazing, and a large part of him thought it was better to just get what he could out of her. "N—no!" he bent and grabbed her shoulders, hefting her off of him. She released him with a little popping noise and even in the dim moonlight coming through the small window near his ceiling, he could see that she was surprised, and maybe even a little hurt. "I said stop."
"What the hell, you want me to beg you or something?" her voice had anger in it, and he was glad. He wanted to hurt her, after what she'd done to him, knowing he could actually upset her was amazingly comforting. "God, I've never known you to turn down sex, no matter what token protest you put up. I'd ask if Suri chopped it off, but I can see you're intact, so maybe it turns out you're more serious about her than I thought. Well, bravo, I really thought that even if you got her back, you'd still never turn me down, and you proved me wrong. Hurrah for love, I guess."
"You should be the one pushing me away," his voice was full of disapproval. "How long have you and Shikamaru been together?"
"We...what are you talking about?" her tone was overly innocent, and it didn't fool him for a moment.
"Don't worry, I found out firsthand how much love means to you tonight." he snorted in disgust. "I saw you two in back...and it's obvious, the way you look at him. Either you're using him and you're a better actress than even I thought, or you're in love with him. So why are you in here trying to get in my pants so bad?"
"Fine." her tone was suddenly flat. She could see there was no point lying to him or hiding the truth if he knew that much. Ino hadn't tried to have her killed yet, so clearly he wasn't intending to blow the whistle, which frankly, would have surprised her in any case. "Yeah, that's what I'm after, but for your information, we're not together. Yet. I was making a play for him tonight, and he said some bullshit about Ino. But you wait, he'll come to me. He didn't say anything to Ino, did he? So he must be thinking it over."
"Oh please," Kankurou snorted again, but at the pained expression on her moonlit face, he realized that she wasn't trying to trick him. "Really? He turned you down?"
"For now, he did." she admitted huffily. "As you said yourself, why else would I be here with you?"
"You sure know how to make a guy feel special, Shiori." he shook his head and heaved a sigh. "Well shit, I knew he loved Ino, but damn, to say no to you...and in that dress, man, he must be like her slave."
"You know, after a rejection like that, a girl could really do with an ego boost." she frowned. "Add to that all the champagne I had...but you turned me down, too! You!"
"Fuck, I have some self-respect." at the incredulous look on her face, he turned away, feeling ashamed and foolish. "Look...I don't want to talk about it, okay? I've decided you aren't exactly the most trustworthy confidante I could find, okay?"
"Hey, with the secrets you have on me, you think I'd tell anyone about whatever it is?" she arched her brow. "I was already helping you with Suri before you knew shit about me. So now what do you think's going to happen?"
"So..." Kankurou looked at her thoughtfully. "All those times we...I mean, you and I...when we were together..."
"When we fucked?" she blinked at him and heaved a sigh. "God, are you going to ask if I was thinking of him?" Kankurou nodded, relieved that he didn't have to say it, and she rolled her eyes. "Men, so typical. All you really give a shit about is what I think about how you are in bed."
"Well?" Kankurou wasn't about to tell her how much this idea bothered him, and how it didn't have very much at all to do with his own worries about his bedroom prowess.
"No, okay?" she told him. "I'm not that imaginative. Or bitchy, whichever you prefer. I can't really...picture someone else. Okay? I just have sex with whoever I'm actually having sex with."
"And...so all the stuff...all your reactions and things, the noises..." Kankurou pressed. "I mean, you're a pretty good actress, so I mean, I've been wondering if you...you know, if you're faking. Since...well, you said I wasn't actually...very great..."
"Geez, I said you were seven out of ten, not the worst I'd ever had!" Shiori rolled her eyes. "Okay, I won't lie, I've faked it before with guys to get it to end, you know? But you're good enough I don't need to bother with that. Not that it means you're mind-blowing or anything! I'm just saying you're good, not the greatest ever, but good. After all that practice, it'd be sad if you didn't score at least five, so don't get too excited."
"Oh! Well," Kankurou suddenly felt a lot better than he'd thought possible after seeing Shiori kissing Shikamaru. He couldn't believe the other man had rejected her, and even though she was determined to keep at it, he thought that if Shikamaru could reject her when he wasn't expecting to have to, and with her looking like this, surely it would only get easier for him. And so maybe...maybe she'd eventually give up on him. And maybe by then he could work his score up to eight or nine.
He pulled Shiori to him, kissing her long and soft, taking his time until she had to pull away, panting.
"So...now you're in the mood?" she breathed, trying for annoyed and falling far short. Kankurou could feel her hands trembling at his side, could hear the waver in her voice. Seven in bed, maybe, but he definitely knew how to kiss. He knew that a really good kiss could be enough to get a girl to agree to go home with you, so he'd spent years perfecting that skill. "After all that, you think I still want to?"
"Let's see," his lips brushed hers and she let out a little noise. He could tell she wanted him to kiss her again, but he wasn't going to make it that easy. It was all about the anticipation, and if he could restrain himself, she could learn to wait. He slid a hand down her waist, over the edge of her hitched up skirt, and then underneath that, taking satisfaction at the hitch of breath as his hand moved up her thigh. Then, before he could reach his aim, he kissed her again, pouring not only his desire, but also all of the emotion that he knew he couldn't vocalize at this point. It was amazingly effective, and she bucked against him, causing his fingers to brush against the juncture of her legs. "Feels like you want it," he teased, and she pushed him down, claiming his lips once more.
It was nice to feel wanted, and even if this was nothing more than lust for her...maybe it could grow into something else. If Shikamaru could stand firm, she'd be heartbroken, and he certainly wasn't averse to picking up the pieces. The idea of a vulnerable Shiori, a Shiori relying on him...it was a terrifying idea, but an amazing one as well. He wanted to prove that he could deserve her. And of course, he wanted her to revise his score.
Maybe he could even get her to give him a ten, but to be honest, he'd settle for her looking at him the way he'd seen her looking at Shikamaru.
----------
"Temari, I was so glad to be invited over," Hinata's face was flushed with happiness, and Suteru was looking happy and content at her side, though he kept eying Kiba warily, as though he somehow expected the other man to lunge forward, sweep Hinata over his shoulder, and run out with her. "I have thought many times on how I might reconcile with you, as you were a very important person to me, and I hated the thought of losing you over something...stupid." her thoughts catching up with her words, the girl went very red and couldn't bring herself to meet Kiba, Temari, or even Suteru's eyes. "I am...going to get some food, I think."
"Good to see you again," Suteru watched Hinata rush off as he spoke to Temari. "It really did make her day to hear she was wanted here, you have no idea."
"Well, to be frank," she answered. "It's unfair of me to invite Kiba and not her, and I'm not the only one in this house. I'm not going to punish my other friends because two people pissed me off. And I mean, think of how Neji would feel if I didn't invite her. I don't want to alienate my actual friends."
"Um." Suteru clearly didn't know what to say with this, and he gave Kiba a confused look before chasing after his wife. Temari wondered if the fact that her ex had been tailing her all night made everyone think they were back together, or just Suteru.
"Could you back off?" she hissed, turning and trying not to be hurt by the stricken expression on his face. "I let you come so you could see your friends, would you leave me alone?"
"But..." Kiba was clearly at a loss. This was her own fault, going to him over and over again, letting him think things, letting herself fall into the comfort of his arms, and now he was making assumptions. "I thought..."
"Ugh, okay, fine," she gripped his hand in hers and pulled him out of the room, setting her flute of champagne down on the side table in the foyer. It was only eleven, there was still time to clear the air before midnight. Considering the very real possibility that he might try to kiss her at that point in front of everyone, it seemed best to have a long-overdue discussion. "We need to talk."
"Oh! Good," he glanced at Kankurou, who had just ran for the basement door like he was going to put out a fire and then smiled at Temari. "I've been wanting to, since that night, but you didn't seem to--"
"Look," she looked around, thought about her options and decided it would be better not to go upstairs. That would likely end badly. Instead, she pulled him to the bathroom, so at least they'd have privacy. It was clear he actually thought she wanted him back, but that was ridiculous. Why would she?
Then why can't you leave him alone? Why did you really invite him tonight?
"Here, listen," she locked the door and turned to him, taking a deep breath. "The thing is, I don't trust you, I don't think I ever will, and I'm not going to forgive you, so just because I've slipped a little--"
"Wait, what?" Kiba looked utterly dumbfounded, but his expression was clearly hurt. "You're trying to say you don't want us to...you and I, I mean...well then why do you keep..."
"I told you, that wasn't..." she took a breath and balled her fists, trying to focus herself, trying to stay calm. "I didn't mean for that to happen."
"Maybe not the first time," Kiba snorted in disbelief. "But what about after that? Over and over...you've been hooking up with me once or twice a day for two weeks! I stayed here because I thought you wanted to work things out. Are you trying to tell me you just...accidentally forgot that usually exes don't have sex or something? Is that why you wouldn't say anything when I'd say...because I love you, and it's not...not right to fuck with someone like that. And it doesn't make sense, Temari, if you really don't want to be with me anymore, what the hell was all that about? I mean, I don't exactly think I'm so fucking irresistible you just couldn't get enough! What the fuck!? Is that like...your revenge or something?"
"I don't know," she scowled, annoyed at her own inability to answer this in a suitable fashion. "Maybe it was."
"Are you...what the fuck?" Kiba's face twisted in misery, and Temari felt her stomach fall through her feet as he turned from her, trying to hide the fact that he was crying in earnest. "That's...fucked up..."
"You...you're the one who jumped in bed with your ex while we were still dating!" Temari wished her voice wouldn't shake, she wished she didn't want to hug him, to apologize and tell him she hadn't meant it, that she wouldn't do anything like that out of spite or revenge. That really...maybe it was true...
Maybe I really do want him back...I just can't be honest with myself.
"S—so what?" he sniffed and rubbed at his face, but she could still see he was crying, so it didn't make her feel much better. "Should I expect you to just drop in whenever you f—feel like rubbing it in, or was this the whole point? To get my hopes up and then break my fucking heart on goddamn New Years? God, what a fucked up thing to do, Temari, fuck...do you have any...idea how this f—feels?"
"Kiba..." she could see that she was on the edge of a precipice now. Before...everything she did with Kiba, she could see that really, if she wanted him back, he'd be waiting for her. Or would he? Maybe...maybe she was concerned he'd find someone else if she left him too long, and maybe in the end...she really couldn't imagine being without him even after what had happened. Now...if she shut him out now, she felt sure that there would never be any way back to where they were. "Kiba..."
If only I knew what I wanted...really knew.
I know that I want to be with him, that's all I've wanted for years, but now...now if I take him back, everyone will know...
What will they know? That I love him, that even if he makes mistakes, I still want to be with him, so if I ever stumble and fall...maybe he'll be there for me?
Is my pride really worth the misery I'm causing him? The pain I'm causing myself with my stupid selfish indecision?
Dammit Temari, forget everyone else. Just think of Kiba, think of yourself. If there's no one else, what would you do? What do you really want?
The answer was simpler than she'd thought possible.
"Kiba," she said his name a third time, and this time, it felt like a balm, instead of something she was stretching for that she only hoped could save her. "I'm sorry, I'm not...not being entirely honest. Or fair. And it isn't right that I go on about not trusting you and then refuse to tell you the truth, but the fact of the matter is that it's been hard for me to see the truth for myself."
"What...what do you mean?" he blinked at her, sniffling again and she smiled softly, reaching up to brush his tears away, but he flinched away from her hand, and she winced, realizing that she really had pushed this too far. She stepped forward, and he was trapped between her and the counter, so he allowed her to reach up, but it was clear he was afraid this was some new trick, some further torture she felt he deserved to be submitted to.
What's wrong with me? Look how badly I hurt him...was it worth it? He hurt me too...but I don't think he ever meant to.
And suddenly, it struck her that after what had just happened, even if he'd been willing to have her back before, he might no longer believe he could trust her, and she felt a cold knot of terror tighten in her stomach at the thought. She bit her lip and carefully wiped his eyes, feeling guilt thicken as she did, as she saw the wary expression on his face. She could see he was wondering what she was up to, now, why she was dragging this out.
"Kiba, I'm trying to say that...it wasn't revenge or anything like that. I missed you," she admitted. "And...and I wanted you back, but it was just...something I wasn't ready to admit to myself, or to you."
"But...why?" he asked, his face full of hurt and confusion. "Why wouldn't you just...just say that? What's with all this? Is this even what you really want, or is it some...some trick?"
"No...no," she insisted, shaking her face and lowering her eyes as she felt despair rise up. She really had pushed him away so hard this time...was it possible she couldn't get him back anymore? Now that she felt such dread at the idea, she didn't know what stopped her admitting her feelings all this time. "It was...I'm sorry, there's no reason good enough...and I'm sorry. My...my pride wouldn't let me, and I..."
"You really hate to compromise so much..." Kiba sighed heavily, and she felt a clenching pain in her chest. Was he going to leave her this time? But she felt his hand tilt her chin up to look at him, his face still a little blotchy, but it was the face she'd loved for so long now...seeing him sad only hurt her. Knowing she had caused that was immeasurably worse. "How can I believe you'll suddenly give in like this?"
"You...were ready to before..." she hazarded, her lip shaking slightly as she waited for him to kiss her or push her away, still not sure which he intended. "I've been...stupid, and I'm sorry. I do...do want to work things out. It's too hard to think of losing you for good, and it's not worth it, not worth my stupid pride..."
"Do you love me?" he asked, and she blinked at him in surprise, not having expected such a simple question.
"I...yes, of course I do." she flushed, and tried to look down, but he held her chin up, grabbing her face with both his hands and forcing him to look him in the eye.
"Say it, then." his voice was soft, but the tone was firm, and she knew that this was his condition. "Make me believe you mean it." She felt sick to her stomach. She knew she loved him, but how was she meant to convince him of that after what she'd just put him through? Could her words really be enough to counter everything she'd said and done, everything that had come between them? How could he ask her to overcome every doubt he had that simply? Because in her case...certainly, hearing him say it over and over, all his apologies, every sweet promise he made, it had worked under her skin, but not until this moment, knowing how truly lost he could be to her, had she seen that whether or not he had hurt her, whether or not she had hurt him, she needed him to go on, and wanted him back no matter what. How could three words hold so much meaning?
But he's always been different from me. I think...if I say it sincerely, if I look at him with love, instead of with doubt or fear, and really say it, then I think...I think that's what he's looking for. He's always been able to read emotions so much better than me, I don't think he even realizes it...but it's true.
"Kiba," she let the syllables calm her, wash over her slowly, ground her and ease her sudden panic. If I can just do this...I've done it a million times, and all I have to do is show him it's still true, I still mean it. I still love him, and I still want him. "Kiba," she repeated, blinking but keeping her eyes on his. If she couldn't meet his eyes, her words would never convince him, that at least she understood. "I love you." her voice shook, and when he didn't say anything she felt her heart leap to her throat, and she repeated herself, "I love you," this time, her voice cracked, and tears came to her eyes, and she felt a fool, but if she couldn't let go of her pride with him, then who could she be herself with? "I love you." the last time, it was a bare whisper, and she wasn't sure he even heard it, but even though he didn't say anything right away, the change in his face, the way it melted and warmed, that at least she could read. Temari knew then that he understood and accepted her.
"I know," he finally said, and she wasn't sure if he was teasing her or what, she was too relieved to care, and she threw her arms around his neck and he kissed her, and it was so wonderful just to feel the honesty of it, and not to fear anything. There was no reason to be afraid with him there, between the two of them, they could get through anything, as long as she remembered to believe in him.
It had been a hard lesson, but the reward was sweet.
----------
"Here," Naruto kept his tone gentle as he pulled Gaara into his own bedroom, and he went along easily enough, but as soon as the door was shut, he could hear that the redhead was starting to breathe fast, and was likely very near to having a panic attack. That didn't surprise Naruto too much, this was where it had happened, and it had been with him, so it made sense that being in this room, alone with him, was enough to upset Gaara. "Come on," he pulled on the hand he hadn't dropped yet, guiding Gaara toward the bed. The first step was fine, even though his eyes were widening, his breathing quickening, and his skin becoming noticeably clammy. But as soon as Gaara realized Naruto was leading him to the bed, he yanked away, trying to pull out of his grip.
Naruto had expected this, so he held firm, using his free hand to grab Gaara's other hand as well, pulling backward toward the bed another step, and another, each one a struggle. Gaara was making little fearful noises, but when Naruto finally reached the bed, he pulled away with all his strength, and nearly sent them both to the ground since the blonde held on just as tightly, and he couldn't get away.
"No, no!" Gaara's voice didn't even sound like his own, and it nearly broke Naruto's heart to hear it like this, so full of terror and guilt. "No! Nonono!" he was struggling like a madman, and Naruto almost wanted to release him, but he thought that really, this was an important point for him to make. He grunted with effort, shifting their footing and shoving him down hard, pinning the redhead on the bed, where he continued to try to escape, tears now leaking from his eyes as he stopped yelling out protests, instead just breathing so fast that Naruto thought he was at risk of hyperventilating. So he bent down and kissed him, taking over breathing for both of them while concentrating on holding Gaara down until the struggles ceased, and he went limp underneath Naruto. Still holding his wrists, so Gaara wouldn't try for a sudden escape, he pulled up and blinked down at him. He was still breathing rather faster than normal, but it was more like he was out of breath from the struggle and the shared breathing that had calmed him down enough to at least stop fighting.
"Sorry," Naruto told him. "I hope I didn't hurt you or anything, but I thought it was important that I show you how strong I am." he gave him a sheepish grin, and Gaara blinked in surprise, his breath hitching momentarily as he processed this. "So, I mean, I know what you think, I know you think that you did something horrible to me, and that's why you're like this now, but don't you think that if you really had hurt me, that I'd be afraid to be alone with you? Do you think I'd feel safe with you if I thought you could really hurt me, even if I ever thought you really would?"
"But...I..." Gaara was clearly at a loss. He frowned at Naruto before putting another slight struggle up, to no effect. "I forced you, that time. I know it."
"Okay, truth," Naruto pursed his lips before speaking. "I wasn't expecting what happened that day. Because of things between Sasuke and I, if I had been expecting that, I wouldn't have come in here in the first place. It surprised me, and yeah, I fought you, but I'll tell you another thing. There's a big difference between having someone you love want you when you aren't expecting it and having someone you don't love or trust at all just come and take without anything between you. It's not like you laid there and asked me if I wanted to have a quickie, you just did it. But you and I had done stuff like that a hundred times before, and even if I said...you know, we shouldn't do that anymore, it wasn't because I didn't want to, it was because...you know, interpersonal stuff. It's like...just now, I pushed you down on the bed, and I kissed you, but I never asked permission, did I? And if I wanted to, I could do this," he ground against Gaara, who gasped and shuddered, and became aroused almost at once. Naruto blinked, "if I...well, do you feel like I'm forcing you? Like I'm hurting you? Am I like your uncle right now?"
"N—no..." Gaara writhed, and Naruto could see the realization sinking in, could hear, his panicked breathing changing to mewling pants as Naruto ground against him again.
"Um, Gaara," Naruto frowned at the man trembling beneath him. "You're...um, really...you need to stop making those noises." he hadn't expected to lose control of this situation, but Gaara felt good, he always had, and those noises were enough to drive anyone crazy. "Or I won't...be able to stop."
"I c—can't..." Gaara whimpered and Naruto nearly came undone. Between that, the feeling of Gaara beneath him, and the glazed over desire that had driven all the fear out of his expression, it was not something that was easy to ignore, much less something he was used to telling himself not to respond to. "It's been...so long..."
"Gaara...I didn't come in here to have sex with you," he told him flatly, moving away, not wanting to seem afraid, but also not wanting to let things progress any further. He was pretty sure Sasuke would accost him as soon as he left this room, and he didn't want to be sporting a full erection. Despite his lover giving him carte blanche to do whatever he felt he needed in here, he didn't think it was fair to anyone for him to do more than what he had, just to get his point across, and he also didn't think it would make Sasuke very happy if he came out of here looking like he'd been seriously fooling around. And Neji might be waiting out there, he didn't feel like he could live it down if he had to greet both men if he couldn't get himself under control. Suddenly, a thought occurred to him as he stood up and Gaara squirmed on the bed in discomfort and disappointment. "Gaara...how long has it been since Neji and you had sex?"
"Since...since before." he admitted.
"Geez, no wonder he looked like someone's died." Naruto goggled at him. "I mean, I get why you were freaked out by me, because you thought maybe you'd pushed me too far, but how come you didn't want to sleep with Neji? Is there something going on?"
"I didn't...well, I'm actually kind of..." Gaara flushed and curled on the bed, concealing his arousal without sitting up. "I don't know if I'm ready."
"You seemed pretty ready about five seconds ago." Naruto told him.
"Well, it isn't like I don't feel things anymore." Gaara frowned. "But I'm afraid to let myself get swept away...afraid I'll go too far again."
"Gaara, I really don't think there is a 'too far' for Neji when it comes to you." Naruto shook his head in disbelief. "How could you even think that? I mean...it's Neji! He's so crazy about you, I don't think there's anything you could try that he would possibly have a problem with, and I mean, considering his previous experience, I doubt there's anything you could try that would really freak him out. Plus, I mean, did you talk to him about this at all?"
"Um." Gaara curled up in a tighter ball and Naruto sighed heavily, sitting down beside him.
"Are you serious? You realize you cut him off for two weeks, so he probably thinks you hate him or something." Naruto pointed out. "I don't even know what Sasuke would do if I did that to him. Probably start compulsively buying me things or something."
"Well...he knows I'm upset...about you." Gaara's voice was muffled since he was curled in on himself, and Naruto frowned down at the admittedly adorable ball of Gaara on the bed.
"So...were you guys still sleeping in the same bed while you were on vacation?" Naruto asked. He hadn't expected to get into anything like this when he brought Gaara in here, but it seemed necessary, if Gaara wasn't going to just tell Neji what was going on with him.
"Yeah," came the muffled reply.
"And did things ever get...like anywhere in that direction? Or were you too freaked out to cuddle or kiss or anything?" Naruto felt a little odd helping Gaara with his sex life, but then, Gaara had given him advice before about this sort of thing, and it wasn't like he was completely unfamiliar with the situation and exactly what took place between Neji and Gaara normally.
"Well...it would," Gaara admitted, uncurling enough to peer up at Naruto with a decidedly guilty look on his face. "But...but I would stop it going too far because...I would get scared. And eventually...Neji started sleeping on the couch, so then it wasn't..."
"Gaara!" Naruto clapped a hand to his forehead. "Did you tell Neji at all why you were afraid, or what you were afraid of?" Gaara shook his head. "Well, you realize he probably thinks you're like, pissed at him or something. And if he started sleeping separate from you, he probably thinks that you don't want him around. You get that?"
"But...I stay near him in the day." Gaara frowned and Naruto rolled his eyes.
"Yeah, I hang out with Sakura, but that doesn't mean there's anything serious between us but friendship. You see what I'm saying?" he explained simply. "Neji loves you, and he's always going to stay with you as long as you want him. But if he thinks you don't want him...I mean, didn't you see how miserable he looked out there? He thinks you're getting ready to leave him, Gaara!" there was a pause. "You still love him, right? You still want to be with him?"
"Of course." Gaara frowned as though this were a foolish question. "I always will. He knows that."
"Okay, well I'm just saying," Naruto heaved another sigh. "If every time you were getting close to Neji he freaked out and shut down whenever things got interesting, after how you guys have always been, I mean...what would you think?"
"I would..." Gaara paused and frowned still deeper, concern on his face now. "Oh...oh no." he sat up and blinked at Naruto. "I did not think of that."
"Yeah, I guessed that." Naruto shook his head. "Look, here, look at me," he leaned over and cupped Gaara's cheek. "I get it if you still need time, I mean, I know it really freaked you out, but you didn't hurt me, you get that, right?"
"I...yes, I understand." Gaara blushed, and impulsively, he hugged Naruto and let out a shuddering sob. "I...I miss you very much sometimes." his voice cracked. "I thought I had ruined everything that was left...I wanted to die."
"Don't rely on me so much," Naruto smiled softly and kissed Gaara's forehead. "I'm glad to be your friend, but Neji is the one you ought to rely on."
"I...I know." Gaara sniffed and Naruto wiped his eyes with his thumb. "It's hard."
"Talk to Neji so he understands, okay?" Naruto told him. "He'll listen. Thinking you're sick of him is killing him, so you'd better do it soon. Like, tonight. I know it's hard to talk about, but think of how much he's hurting."
"I know, I will." Gaara nodded slowly. "You're right."
"I love you," Naruto assured him, dropping a soft kiss on his lips, and Gaara smiled tremulously as he got up. "Just be honest and everything will be fine." he walked to the door and left, completely unsurprised to see Sasuke pacing the foyer. "Hey, I didn't miss midnight, did I?" he asked, trying for levity, but he was swept up in the other man's embrace so quickly he lost his breath as well as his train of thought. "Sasuke, it's okay...I'm fine."
"Did you...did he...did you both..." Sasuke's voice cracked, and Neji, who he hadn't even seen poised in the kitchen bypassed them both to go to his room and be sure his own lover was okay. "Together...did you...did you..."
"We didn't have sex, Sasuke," Naruto assured him, and Sasuke's body relaxed so swiftly it was obvious this was what he had thought was what Naruto was planning. "I just...I knew I'd have to probably kiss him a bit...you know, and I didn't want to...without you being okay with it. Especially alone, I'm sure you were worried, and I didn't mean to make you--"
"Idiot," Sasuke pressed him to the wall and kissed him so thoroughly Naruto felt his toes curl and his knees wobble. "Idiot...of course I thought you were going to...to...with him. Don't you know how hard it was for me to wait out here? I almost ran in there at one point, Neji had to stop me."
"Hey, I can handle myself." Naruto knew he should be offended that Sasuke was being so over-protective, but really, for Sasuke, given the situation, it was amazing he'd been allowed in that room alone with Gaara. And besides, it was hard to be upset after a kiss like that. "But I didn't think it would be fair to anyone for me to do that with him. Not after...everything."
"Well...next time be more clear!" Sasuke insisted, and he kissed him again, holding him tight and squeezing the air out of him, so Naruto wasn't sure if he was lightheaded from the kiss, or lack of oxygen, or both.
"Sasuke..." Naruto breathed when they pulled apart. "I think...think I need to get ready." There was a pause before Sasuke's expression when from stern to amused, and he nearly hauled him toward the stairs and their bedroom. It occurred to Naruto they might miss midnight with everyone else...but this was the person he most wanted to spend his new year with, so he didn't feel like it was a bad thing, necessarily.
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"Gaara," Neji felt jealous. For the first time in ages, he was jealous of Naruto, but not because of his feelings for Gaara, or even because of Gaara's feelings for him. Seeing his lover trust the blonde, take his hand and leave with him when every inch he'd gained with Gaara had to be fought for...it was unbearable, it was unfair. "Are you okay?" Part of him, a crazy, irrational part wanted Gaara to not be okay, to need Neji to fix things, to not have gotten any help from Naruto. That part hurt when Gaara smiled softly at him and he knew that whatever Naruto had said or done, it had been what he had needed, and finally...maybe he could start to feel better.
But he doesn't need me anymore, so I don't know why I'm surprised. Naruto's always been better about this sort of thing, anyway.
"I'm...we need to talk." Gaara was on the bed. That Naruto could get him to deal with that phobia and overcome it so quickly added to the pain that Neji was already feeling, and he almost didn't want to sit next to him, but he couldn't refuse Gaara. He never could, in the end.
He's going to break up with me. Now that he sees how useless I was...fuck, a half hour alone with Naruto and it's almost like nothing ever happened. I had two weeks, and it barely made any difference.
He could feel his hands shaking as he sat, and he hoped that Gaara didn't notice, but after a painfully long pause, his twitching fingers were covered gently by Gaara's own warm grip, and he felt the air in his lungs freeze. He stared at their hands together, thinking that wouldn't hurt as bad as seeing whatever expression was on Gaara's face, but it still ached, seeing the contrast of their fingers latticed over each other. This had once been a sight to calm him, to comfort him...but now...
"I'm sorry...about all this," Gaara's voice was soft, and Neji wasn't sure how much longer he could go before the tears threatening to well up spilled forth. He'd done everything he could, given everything he had, but it hadn't been enough, not even close. "Sorry I let things get so far."
I can't believe this is happening. If someone told me one month ago this is how I would spend my New Years, I would have told them they were an idiot. I became too complacent, and I stopped...I lost whatever it was I had that kept him with me, and now...now I'm losing him.
And I'm probably going to cry like a fourteen-year-old girl.
He could feel the tears building, he knew that it wouldn't take much to release them, and even if Gaara was as gentle as possible with him, it would be enough to let them flow. He wanted to pull his hands up to cover his face, but if he did, he wouldn't be touching Gaara anymore, and this moment...this might be the last...
"I love you," Gaara's words struck him deeply, and he looked up at once, face full of confusion. What was he doing? Trying to see how bad he could make it? "I know you know that...you knew it before I did, I think, and sometimes I forget that just thinking something isn't enough for you to know it. You know me better than I do sometimes, and I forget to tell you what I should..."
Wait...what?
"And...I know it's probably been difficult for you...with how I got about...everything," Gaara lifted Neji's hands in his, brushing the elegant fingers over his own cheek. "I don't want you to think I don't want you anymore. I do, I always do. I was just...afraid I would lose control and hurt you."
"You...do?" Neji blinked in complete surprise. "Wait...can you...I'm sorry, I think I didn't hear you right."
"Neji," Gaara released his hands and reached over, tracing the lines of his face, his expression so honest and full of love and adoration and need, things that Neji had grown so used to, he almost didn't see them there anymore. Only after seeing that blank expression for so long could he really appreciate how expressive his lover could be in private. "I never meant for you to doubt me. I will always love you." his lip trembled slightly and he lunged in, crushing Neji against him in a frantic embrace that Neji was only too happy to return. "I was afraid...I still am, and I hope...hope you can be patient."
"If you love me...nothing else matters," Neji could feel the tears spilling down his cheeks, hitting Gaara's shoulder, but he couldn't make himself feel ashamed. "Nothing...I love you so much, you don't know how afraid I was...I thought you didn't want me anymore...that you were going to tell me...tell me to leave."
"Would you?" Gaara burrowed his face in Neji's neck, enjoying the play of skin and hair over his face.
"If you wanted me to go...I still don't know." Neji admitted. "I'd just try to stay out of your way...but could I really just...disappear? I don't think so."
"I would never want you to," Gaara assured him, kissing his throat now, and Neji let out a low noise of contentment and desire mingled as one. "I can't bear it...thinking of losing you, I would lose myself."
"I know the feeling," Neji sighed as Gaara leaned back, and he followed, falling onto the bed together and just staring at him, happy to be lying together without that blank look, without the questions and the fear. "Sorry I pushed you too far."
"No," Gaara was running his fingers through Neji's hair carefully. "Just...I think for a while, I'm not going to be okay with some things...so if you can be okay with that...it'll be fine."
"You don't want to top, do you?" Neji guessed, and Gaara nodded slightly. "But you still want to...be together."
"Yes, I want to." Gaara nodded again, more vehemently this time. "You have no idea how much I want to."
"I have a pretty good idea," Neji couldn't help smirking. "You aren't the only one who's gone weeks without any sex. Sleeping next to the hottest man alive...it's not easy."
"I'm not--"Gaara flushed and Neji cut him off with a kiss.
"You'll never know how beautiful you are," Neji assured him. "And if I'm saying it, you know it must be true."
"You can be very conceited at times, you know," Gaara's words might have bothered him if his tone wasn't husky, if his fingers weren't tangling in his hair, or if he wasn't so completely happy compared to how he had felt ten minutes ago. "It's good you are so beautiful that no one can argue with what you say."
"Gaara...can you promise me something?" Neji asked, letting his own fingers move through short red locks, so impossibly crimson they never ceased to fascinate him. "Next time something is bothering you, no matter how embarrassing or weird you think it is, just tell me, okay?"
"Sorry," Gaara flushed and Neji blinked at him expectantly. "Okay, I promise." he leaned in to kiss Neji, his fingers moving through the thick black hair to find the back of his lover's head, urging him into the contact.
Not that Neji needed encouragement.
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To be continued...
