Disclaimer – Yep, same as it was before, I don't own them, so please keep any litigating notions from taking root, capisce?
All rightie then, things are starting to heat up, wind down, take wing, or whatever cliché you prefer. This chapter is a bit wordy in the third-person, I apologize, but there are some things that the author has to write, giving voice to the character if only in thought. Regardless, though, I'd like to thank all of you for reviewing and - for those leaving comments in the review window, my undying thanks and gratitude! Those reviewers are – Mahalove, Kaya Lizzie, Leo Oneal, Lunar Ninja, Katana Babe, Dierdre, Jessiy Landroz, Mikaela's Spade, Ramica, and BubblyShell22.
Now, on with the story…
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Chapter 29 - Remembrances
Leonardo watched as Mike led Beth inside the bedroom. The blue-masked turtle stood there next to his sensei and thought about what Raphael had said to him. Leo couldn't believe for one moment that he'd had feelings for the girl. No matter how he tried, he just couldn't remember her. Still, there was this underlying fear that maybe Raphael was right. Maybe Leonardo did indeed love her and that, maybe, he was throwing away a chance for something they could only dream about.
Just the same, he realized, then, that even if he could remember how he felt about Beth, what good would it do him? He was chunin, next in line to Splinter, and his job as protector and leader of the family had to come first before his own needs. There just wasn't any room in his life for romance.
Yet, as he pondered these thoughts, Leo stared off towards where his brother was currently working out. Even though they had the dojo situated on the opposite side of the subway cars and out of his line of sight, Leonardo could still hear Raphael's grunt of lift-off. From years of practice, Leo knew what followed next. He listened as Raph finished his first back flip, the soft almost indiscernible landing of hands and then feet coming easily to the ninja's ears. Then, Leo smiled as he envisioned his brother's scowl and the slight movement of lips as Raphael silently mouthed the number of each maneuver, as he went through the exercise.
Leo knew that his brother hated doing back flips, which was one reason why Splinter had always assigned them to him. Then, thinking about his father's way of disciplining, Leo tried to remember the last time his master had to reprimand him – the perfect son and the jonin-in-training.
He was, maybe, eight or ten years old. Once, after Splinter had left him in charge while the rat went foraging for food, Leonardo had unwisely allowed his brothers to go topside. Initially, Mikey was the one who had given them reason to break Splinter's most sacred rule about leaving the lair. The youngest of the four had been desperate for something to eat, more so than the rest of them were, and he had whined and had even cried at one point, which made Raphael concerned and rather insistent to 'doing somethin' about it. Of course, Leo had tried to reason why they shouldn't leave the lair, but Raph's bullheadedness eventually forced all of them out into the sewers. Leo felt forced to go along, then, if only to 'look after' them.
As it was, where they were all quite hungry, having gone for several days with very little food, so it didn't take much motivation for him to tag long.
Nevertheless, because they hadn't perfected the skills to slip into stores undetected, yet, they had to resort to stealing. That alone was bad enough. Worse still, their father had been furious when he found out about their sojourn to the world above. The telltale smell of the ill-procured pizza had been the only clue needed to convince him that his sons had indeed been topside. It didn't take much detection for him to know exactly how they managed to get it, either.
Still, avoiding the world above was one thing the ninja master had repeatedly impressed upon them to the point of pain. He had even used scare tactics to teach them that the humans living in the world above wouldn't hesitate to either make his sons zoo exhibits, or fodder for scientific experiments. It had worked, too, until their hunger overshadowed their father's training.
In either event, after enduring one of Splinter's severe lectures, Leo's stint at washing dishes for the next month pretty well discouraged him from ever allowing any of his brothers to even to step outside the lair. Rules became his focal point, his mantra, and his mistress. In fact, from that point on, it had made Leo so determined to ensure his brothers obeyed Splinter's rules that a decline in his otherwise close friendship with Raphael developed.
As he stood there in the living room and pondered these thoughts, he recalled what Raph had said about Beth. Yes, he had a responsibility to his clan, to keep them safe, free from harm, and if that meant that they had to remain friendless from the humans above, then so be it.
But, did that mean all humans?
Leo thought of April, then, and the familiar strains of repressed grief raised its depressing song again in his heart. He swallowed back the pit of anguish as he thought about her, what the woman endured at the hands of their enemy, and the fact that Casey had felt responsible in some small way. If only their friend would have voiced his inner turmoil after April's death, then maybe they would have helped him to see how they were all involved with her demise. Yet, despite their self-inflicting blame, Splinter had repeatedly counseled them that it was inevitable death happened to some, while leaving others to live.
Still, once Casey had disappeared all together, the clan's need for relationships outside of their tight knit family lessened. Splinter decided, then, that their need to interact with the humans living topside had to cease. In fact, Leo had been the biggest proponent of Splinter's declaration; that is until a few months earlier.
As he recalled that moment in time, Leo remembered that he had been feeling restless long before his first act of disobedience. However, his offense was not that serious, where all he did was take off for an hour or so. Yet, it was the beginning of his rebellion, with the number of evenings gradually multiplying. Nevertheless, he went from leaving the lair unannounced on occasion, to where it became a nightly routine. Then, it stretched from an hour or so, to several, until there were some nights where he just wouldn't return until sunrise. He had become sullen and moody, refusing to practice, and just became someone other than the 'great and perfect leader' that Raphael had so often teased him of being. Mike even called him Raph Junior a few times, just to make a point.
Nevertheless, as Leo thought about his behavior for the past several months, more memories began to resurface. He suddenly recalled Central Park. As the mists of his amnesia further lifted, he recalled how he would frequent the park. He would steal himself there, careful to avoid the more public areas. Then, he would climb up into the thickest leafed tree he could find and just sit there for hours, watching the humans as they passed far below him along the dirt pathway. Leo remembered how he would observe couples, men and women with their hands entwined.
Leonardo couldn't help but to suck in a startled breath when he recalled how he had wished he were human, wondering if all that he and his brothers were meant to be was to fight and maim and kill.
As more of his past escalades came to mind, he remembered the intimate conversations these couples would have, recalling how some of them would steal themselves into bushes unseen. As Leo remembered those occasions, that thought triggered another memory, and it caused Leo to blush. He was shocked when he recalled how he had followed them, more curious as to why they would hide. What Leonardo discovered had initially repulsed him, but in a strange, primal way, it almost riveted him to his spot on the tree branch, high above where the couples lay sheltered among the bushes. He realized that what he was witnessing was not for curious eyes, certainly not for his.
Yet, despite the impropriety of his voyeurism, Leonardo found himself repeatedly drawn back to observe these secret and passionate trysts.
Ultimately, he forced himself to stop his 'peeping Tom' antics when the truth of what he was doing weighed heavily against his conscience. Yet, he had seen enough to know how unique and foreboding his own existence truly was!
As Leo stood there in the living room of his home remembering his life before amnesia, and as Splinter walked up to him to lay a comforting paw along his arm, a sudden understanding, as if it were a holy epiphany, crashed into Leonardo like a freight train.
He was lonely.
That was it…he thought to himself. He was lonely; he needed someone, someone special to call his very own, just like the couples in the park who had each other. Their intimate, clandestine lovemaking, far from normal prying eyes, and his witness to it, had triggered something deep inside of him. He knew that the feelings had been there all along. Yet he had suppressed them with years of hard training, years of fighting the Foot, trying to ignore the callings with not having a moment's peace, and most especially with April's death and Casey's disappearance. Maybe it was due to his suppressed grief or his inner denial to the truth, but Leo had to face the fact that, over time, it had become too much of a burden for him to bear. Where the foundation of his rebellion lay hidden under layers of excuses and a regimented lifestyle, he had subconsciously ignored the signs. That is, until he could no longer endure the strain. It was no surprise to him, then, that Leonardo found leaving the lair the way that he did as the only way to deal with it.
Yet, how he had ended up injured in the alleyway near where Beth lived mystified him. It was obvious by his healing cuts that there had been a battle, and more than likely with some faction from the Foot. Still, the question of why he was there didn't make any sense at all, but…in some strange way, it did. Although, initially, he didn't recognize Beth, maybe there had been some attraction to her apartment. Maybe that would explain why he was there in the first place. It was possible that he had seen her before, but, where his memory had yet to recover completely, he couldn't substantiate it.
Leonardo didn't have any answers, and it frustrated him.
But he knew someone who might be able to help him.
He turned to his father, who looked over at him with kind, expressive eyes. Splinter sensed almost immediately Leonardo's inner turmoil. The rat asked as he pinched his brows together, "You are troubled, my son?"
Sighing and then nodding once, Leonardo replied, "I'm…not sure, Father. What Raphael said earlier…"
"Raphael spoke out of turn and he should have known better!" the master exclaimed sternly, "It was not his call or his purpose to entice you to feel anything for this girl."
"I know this, but…" he looked hard at his father, a seriousness etched deeply upon his features, "…Sensei, there are things that I've just now remembered, things that I have done, some things that happened before Beth found me. And…" he looked towards the subway car where Beth was now resting; watching as Mike quietly exited the now-darkened bedroom. As Leo watched his brother slide the door closed behind him, he admitted to his father, "I think Raphael might be partly right about...her."
Splinter's whiskers twitched and Leo understood what that meant. His father wasn't the least bit pleased, and he couldn't rightly blame him, either. All things considered, the agreement they made years earlier as a clan, after April's death, now came into question
Nevertheless, Leonardo knew that he had to at least explore the option his mind was slowly, and painfully so, revealing to him. Whether or not he remembered how he felt about Beth, he had to, at the very least, explore that avenue. If only for his own peace of mind and the future of his family, he had to give Beth a chance.
