Part 29 - On the Inside
As I was lying on Toby's bed, my eyes finally opened, I could hear him gently snoring next to me, and peering over at him, I noticed that his hair was messier than it usually was. Leaving me there resisting the urge to help tame it, or to at least, get it to lay down. But when he softly mumbled about something in his sleep, and turned so that he was resting on his side, facing me, I decided, that somethings were just more important than having neat hair.
After all, just take a look at Albert Einstein, he must have been the inventor of the messy hair look, and he won the Nobel Prize in Physics, so maybe there was something behind the hair style.
Something that the rest of us couldn't see.
I happily watched Toby as he continued to sleep, his mouth in a smile, and I wondered what it was that he was dreaming of. Had he been teleported into the same interesting one that I'd had? Or was he seeing something else?
Maybe a day when Amnesia would no longer be scary? If that was it, then he'd just have to continue dreaming on, because that day would never get here.
Even if there were to be such a day, Amnesia would never be the same, and what would be the thing that attracts the players to it?
The fact that it'd most likely take place in the Land of Fluffy White Things That Couldn't Possibly Hurt Me?
Horrified by just so much as the thought of it, I decided to just stick with the original, the game where you can never seem to get used to the scares, and where you never seem to get bored with the puzzles or story.
It simply and plainly never got old!
I then abandoned all thoughts of Amnesia, and began to try and dissect my dream, trying to understand it all, trying to figure out why so many people that I loved had been there.
All tat seemed to come to mind was, when I go down.
Would would it be that people would think of me when I go down?
Asking this, I began to silently began to think of a song, that I believed held the answer.
"When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard."
And it was true, I needed to learn that if I made a mistake, that I'd need to tell myself to ignore that mistake. I needed to learn that failure wasn't the worst thing that could happen.
That it'd be best to learn what I'd done wrong, and to then move on.
Sighing softly, I sat up on Toby's bed, looking out of the nearest window to me. It was raining heavily outside, meaning no Heelys, no outdoor vlog, just a day of staying at home, watching the rain continue to drench everything that it touched.
The idea of that didn't bother me, I was the kind of person who was always content to stay home, just as long as I could find something to do. Which wouldn't be hard, I've always been easily entertained.
However, being incapable of sitting still for more than five minutes, Toby would feel very differently about the rain than I did, and it was right then, that I'd find out what he'd have to say.
I heard him groan as he stretched out, waking up, and looking over at him, I saw that he was looking dismally out of the same window that I had. The first words that he said wasn't "Good morning," or even, "Hey, how'd you sleep?"
No, his first words of the day were, "AW MAN! WHAT A BUNCH OF BALLS!" His smile from while he was sleeping had disappeared, and at once, I could tell that Toby really didn't like the rain. He got up, without saying a single word to me, and headed off towards his bathroom. I could hear him rummaging around, looking for something. When he apparently couldn't find what it was, I had a distinct feeling of deja vu. "WHAT? NO! I PUT THEM RIGHT HERE! WHERE'D THEY GO? UGH! WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM?"
I waited for his yelling to subside, before I called out to him, "Did you lose something that you needed?"
He made an irritated mumble as he continued to rummage, sifting through things that I couldn't see.
I decided to try again, "Would you like some help?"
Remaining silent for a while, he slowly whispered, his voice neutral, "I've got it..."
Within my own silence, I nodded my head, got off of Toby's bed, grabbed Tabby from her safe spot, and left. All without another word. Getting back to my apartment, opening and then locking the door behind me. I quietly set Tabby onto the floor, went over to my laptop, which was still on from the night before, clicked on the icon for Windows Media Player with the mouse after it was running at full speed, and began to listen to the first song that I saw. "What If" by SafetySuit. A perfect fit, for my current confusion, so singing, as I knew the song by heart, I felt that I'd not done what I would have like to, instead of progression, I was falling back into a retrogression, and that would lead me back to the days that I'd had enough of.
"What if it makes you sad at me
And what if it makes you laugh now, but you cry as you fall asleep
And what if it takes your breath, and you can't hardly breathe
And what if it makes the last sound be the very best sound..."
My voice trailed off, and I could hear Toby continue to search for what he'd lost. In my head, as I listened to him shout angrily, I thought, "As usual, I've made someone else angry at me...leaving me without so much as an explanation why...I really don't want to go back to those days...Yet, it seems that's where I belong..."
Soon enough, words that I needed to get out, to write down, began to form in my head, it was best to just write them, and be rid of them.
I quickly grabbed a sheet of paper, deciding that falling back on all of the progress that I'd made, wouldn't be the worst thing that I could do. But with my pen in hand, I began to write, not caring if my words rhymed or not, that that was the ultimate beauty of poetry.
"Alone in my room
I sit and I cry
Hearing the shouts
That begin to take my life
Yet slowly still
I'm fading away
Leaving this world
I've had all I can take
So becoming nothing
So quietly I say
I give and I give
But you wouldn't take
The words of my broken smile
With no wings I fall
Quickly to hell
Away from your voice
Away from my shell
I wish it hadn't ended
But for me
The bell now tolls."
Slowly, I set down both the pen and paper, I couldn't hear Toby anymore, I could barely feel anything. I had become numb to feeling pain so many years ago. Smiling grimly, I laughed once.
The sound of it was foreign to me, and there was no sign of me being in it at all, yet I'd heard it before. When I fell into a state like the one I was in, I became something different, and it always felt like I was trapped within myself, and that someone who wasn't me, was in control.
I could feel my mouth twist into a sneer, "So easily am I broken? Why even continue on with a life that's so meaningless?" It was me talking, but those weren't my words, what I was crying out on the inside was, "Don't go there Brixta...Worse things could happen! He might be having a bad day!"
My shoulders were trembling, I was about to lose it, yet, I could do nothing. I was just a puppet, whose puppet master was all about cruel jokes.
"NO! I'm just a curse! A cursed being who doesn't belong! I can't continue lying to myself!" Positively crying on in my mind, I pleaded, "NO! I do belong! Please...Please just stop this..."
As the tears began to fall, sheeting my face, my body screamed out, "DAMN YOU! YOU DID THIS TO ME! YOU TURNED ME INTO THIS MONSTER! AND I HATE YOU BECAUSE OF IT! YOU HEAR ME? I HATE YOU! NOW WHY CAN'T YOU JUST KILL ME? YOU'VE DONE EVERYTHING ELSE, NOW DO THE ONE THING THAT I'VE EVER ASKED OF YOU!"
I feared myself.
I feared what I could do when I got like this.
I could hear Toby now, screaming and banging on the door, and as much as I wanted to answer his cries of panic, I couldn't, I just stared at the side of the door closet to me, I merely whispered, "Far, far too late..."
"WHAT? NO! He's not too late! Don't give in! Fight the darkness!" I screamed, yet, I was screaming only to deaf ears. "Please, Toby...Please, save me..." I was alone, and for the first time, the words that I spoke physically, matched, the words that I was screaming within myself, "Help me..."
The door began to give way from all of Toby's frantic beating, and slowly, he broke in, only to find me standing there, tears running down my face, my eyes on the ceiling, my hands at my sides.
I could hardly feeling anything, and I couldn't move. But softly, I managed to whisper to myself, "You stupid coward...I'll always hate you for this..."
I then fell to my knees, so exhausted, but otherwise back in control, I couldn't take much more of losing myself like that, and just as I fell unconscious, I desperately thought, "Forgive me for this, Toby..."
