Chapter 29: Thank You Mario But Our Princess Is In Another Castle
-Denerim-
xxXxx
…
"I've heard many stories of this place. They say King Marric frequented it while he was still in power."
Leliana smiled nervously and glanced around the table in the hopes that someone would pick up the conversation. Even though all of her earlier attempts had been rebuffed, she still felt like she had to do something to chase away the strained silence that had fallen over the group. They were meant to be relaxing, but this had proven to be one of the most uncomfortable parties she had ever experienced.
"Don't know why he would. This place is a soddin' pisshole." Oghren grumbled irritably as he lifted his mug. In lieu of alcohol, the dwarf was drinking a foul smelling herbal remedy that was supposed to alleviate his sudden illness. He had purchased the pouch of medicine from a seedy looking merchant down by the docks, and Leliana wasn't sure how much faith she would place in its efficacy.
She forced a laugh. "The Gnawed Noble is practically considered a national landmark in Fereldan."
"It's a pisshole."
Leliana winced and looked to the others for support. Not everyone had decided to come out tonight; Wynne, Morrigan, and Sten had all elected to stay at the safe-house rather than join them. Alistair had been the one to suggest they have a couple of drinks, and he had been lost in thought ever since they had arrived. The few times she had managed to get his attention, he had only given her a distracted smile and a few noncommittal answers. She wasn't sure what was going on with him, but he was not acting like the outgoing and cheerful man she knew him to be.
Oghren had been outright unpleasant the entire evening. Wynne had warned him that his mysterious illness would only be exacerbated by drinking, and he had not taken the news well. As a result, he had decided to vent his frustration on the rest of them. Leliana had made the mistake of asking him how he was feeling earlier, and she had been rewarded with a nauseatingly graphic description of his "discharge". After that, she had left him to his sullen grumbling and half-muttered insults.
Zevran was the only one of them who seemed to be in a good mood. Unfortunately, the assassin had not offered much by way of conversation. After having a few glasses of red wine, he had left their table to speak with the comely woman behind the tavern's bar. Based on the way the barmaid was giggling and tossing her hair, it appeared as though Zevran wouldn't be sleeping alone tonight.
After he had left their table, Leliana had done her absolute best to coax the others into a conversation. Twenty minutes later, all she had to show for her efforts was a great deal of discomfort and awkwardness. She would have left a long time ago were it not for Kallian. Alistair had insisted that the elven Warden join them, and Leliana was beginning to think that he had made a terrible mistake in doing so. She had agreed that Kallian shouldn't be alone right now, but it had quickly become clear that taking her to a tavern had been an error in judgment.
There was absolutely no denying that Kallian was in a very bad state of mind. The elf had probably said three words since they had arrived, and one of those had been more of a snarl than anything approaching language. In lieu of conversation, Kallian had started drinking at an alarming rate. While that in of itself was a cause for concern, Leliana was more worried about what the drinking would lead to.
Kallian had lapsed into an intense and angry silence that the alcohol was doing nothing to alleviate. Rather, it seemed as though each successive drink just made her glare harder at the table's scratched surface. Leliana had been watching her with an increasing sense of foreboding as the night had worn on. It was like staring at a gathering storm, and the last time Kallian had looked up, Leliana had seen something black and ugly lurking behind the elf's bloodshot eyes.
There was no question about the cause behind Kallian's dark mood. She had reacted poorly when Slim had told her about the Alienage, and it had only gotten worse when Alistair had forbidden her to do anything about it. As with so many things, Kallian had responded by angrily withdrawing into herself.
The situation really was very bleak. Some two weeks ago, the Alienage had been locked down in full quarantine to prevent the spread of a plague that had cropped up amongst the elves. Bad as this was, it was made even worse by the city's disregard for the welfare of the trapped elves. Instead of attempting to provide aid of some kind, the city officials had decided to simply keep the gates shut and let the disease run its course. Slim had mentioned that some of the local thieves had tried to smuggle in food, but the guards had caught them long before they could scale the walls.
Naturally, Kallian's first impulse had been to break in to check on her family, but Alistair had been adamant in his refusal. Now that they had finally learned the location of Brother Genitivi, he wanted to leave the city as soon as possible to avoid attracting Loghain's attention. To that end, he had forbidden Kallian to risk capture for the sake of her family.
Kallian had been upset, but the elf had surprisingly shown no sign of disobedience. Even so, Alistair had insisted that she join them on this outing. Though he claimed it was to take her mind off things, Leliana suspected that it was a more of an attempt to keep an eye on her.
Sighing, Leliana lifted her mug and took a sip of water. Setting it down, she clasped her hands and turned to face Alistair. "I heard Morrigan mention that the two of you spent the morning together. What is the story behind that?"
"Hmm? Oh, yes…yes we did." Alistair sat up straighter and seemed to shake himself into attentiveness. Giving her a faintly apologetic smile, he leaned forward as he elaborated. "I asked her to help me with something, and she was good enough to do so."
Relieved that someone was finally saying something, Leliana settled back into her chair. "That's a little surprising considering the way the two of you act around one another. What was it that you needed help with?"
Alistair's smile slipped for just a bare instant. "Oh nothing, just a stupid little errand I had to run. It was more of a way to pass the time after I got back from talking to the Templars. Did I mention how badly that went by the way? Thank the Maker that Zevran was on top of things because I could not have had less success on my end."
"Yes, he made our efforts unnecessary as well." Leliana glanced at Kallian, but the elf wasn't paying attention. "I fear that we will probably have no need for the information we requested from Ser Couldry. It is a shame as he seemed so eager to help."
"I'd wait a few days to see what he has to say, but I don't see what he could provide that Zevran hasn't already found out. Right now, we've got correspondence between the kidnappers and a map to Haven. Zevran pretty much stumbled on a gold mine."
"Hrrgh…everyone just loves the elf, huh?" Oghren made a disgusted sound and gulped down a mouthful of his herbal remedy. "It's always 'Zevran this' and 'Zevran that'. Tell me somthin', how come no ever gets all moist in the loins for ol' Oghren? What about all things I've done?"
Alistair quirked a brow. "What exactly have you done?"
"Oh, real nice." Oghren sent a malevolent glare in his direction. "Tell ya' what Pike-twirler: next time yer in the shit and ya' want 160 pounds of man at yer back, don't expect to see my face over yer shoulder. Yer just gonna have to suck it up and handle things yerself."
Leliana propped an elbow on the table and rested her face in the palm of her hand. "I do hope that you are talking about battle."
"Of course I am! What the hell else could I be talkin' about?"
She traded an amused look with Alistair. "Oh nothing, you will have to forgive me for my ignorance. As a woman, I fear that I know very little about the theatre of war."
"Ah, no harm done, Red." Oghren nodded, apparently mollified. "It's the type of thing ya' gotta experience to really understand. War ain't no pretty thing ya' read about in books. It's about standin' toe-to-toe with another man and poundin' away at one another until somebody's spent."
Alistair choked off a laugh, and Leliana fought to keep herself from smiling. Glancing between the two of them suspiciously, Oghren jabbed a finger at the tabletop with an irritable snort. "What the hell's the matter with the both of ya'?"
"Nothing, just the beer." Alistair gestured to his cup in emphasis. "Please, go on."
Shaking her head as the dwarf plunged into another sermon, Leliana turned away from the two of them to see if Kallian was enjoying the show. To her disappointment, it looked as though the elf hadn't even noticed that the rest of them had been talking. Biting her lip, Leliana nudged Kallian's shoulder to get her attention.
"Are you ready to leave? I think I've had about enough of this place."
Kallian slowly looked up at her. Her gaze was unfocused, but her voice was steady. "Not yet."
With startling abruptness, the elf pushed her chair away from the table with a loud scrape of wood. Picking up her empty mug, Kallian steadied herself against the back of the chair as she pushed herself to her feet. Before she could walk away, Leliana reached out and gently caught hold of Kallian's wrist. She tried to keep her tone light as she smiled at the smaller woman. "Where are you going?"
"My cup's empty."
Leliana cocked her head. The bar was on the other side of the impressively-large tavern, and Kallian hadn't seemed to be in such a hurry before this. "I'll signal one of the barmaids. They can take care of it for you."
"Takes too long." Kallian twisted out Leliana's grip with a neat little motion. Stumbling just slightly, she began moving off in the direction of the bar without a backwards glance. Frowning, Leliana followed her progress uneasily.
There had been an odd quality to Kallian's voice, and some sixth sense was telling Leliana that trouble was brewing. Watching closely, Leliana leaned forward when Kallian suddenly diverted her course. Instead of making a beeline towards the bar, the elf had taken a roundabout route that had forced her to weave around a number of the other tables. Right before she actually reached the bar, she seemed to accidentally brush up against a table of five human men. It was enough to startle them, but Kallian continued on her way as if nothing had happened.
Leliana narrowed her eyes. That had been a calculated move.
If Kallian's intention had been to attract attention, than she had succeeded. The men at the table she had bumped into had taken notice of her. While Kallian was traded a few words with Zevran's barmaid, Leliana noticed the men glancing in the elf's direction while speaking amongst themselves.
When Kallian stepped away from the bar, she was holding a slender ceramic bottle in one hand. Only Nevarran wine was served in ceramic bottles, and Kallian had been drinking the house ale the entire night. Belatedly realizing what was about to happen, Leliana mentally cursed and pushed her chair back to stand up. Without looking to see if Oghren or Alistair had noticed as well, she began making her way through the crowded interior of the tavern.
Kallian was on her way back already, and sure enough, the elf had chosen the same roundabout route she had taken on the way there. As she passed by the table she had knocked against, one of the men reached out and stopped her by catching hold of her inner elbow. Visibly drunk, the man gave her a cheerful smile and said something that was lost to Leliana over the clamor of the tavern.
As Leliana drew closer, she saw Kallian bare her teeth into a harsh smile. The elf responded with something that made all the other men at the table laugh uproariously. However, the man holding onto her arm flushed angrily and half-rose from his seat. Hidden from the man's view, Kallian shifted her grip on the bottle so that she was clutching it by the neck.
Leliana practically sprinted the last few steps in order to reach the two of them. Wrapping one hand firmly around Kallian's wrist, she jerked the bottle back down to the elf's side to keep it out of view. Fixing a pleasant smile on her face, she stepped between the elf and the human before either could react to her presence.
"Kallian! There you are!" Leliana moved in such a way as to force the man to let go of her friend. "I have been looking all over for you. The rest of us are all about to leave, and I didn't want you to be left behind. Come on, let's go outside and get some fresh air."
Honey-colored eyes stared back at her in challenge. Apparently, Kallian had not expected to be interrupted, and it didn't look at though she was all that happy about it. Locking eyes with the elf, Leliana gave her a stern look without ever losing her smile. After a few seconds of this staring match, Kallian finally gave a stiff nod of assent.
"Hey, hold on!" The man stepped around Leliana with a drunkard's typical lack of grace. "We ain't done here just cause—"
Leliana cut him off with a charming grin. "Oh yes, I saw the way she bumped into your table earlier. You must forgive her; she's had quite a bit to drink tonight and I fear that she's not acting like herself. Allow me to apologize on her account."
The man seemed a little taken aback by her polite apology. Drawing himself back up, he nodded charitably. "Just so long as it doesn't happen again!"
"It won't, you have my word."
With one last smile in his direction, Leliana wrapped an arm around Kallian's shoulders and marched her off in the direction of the tavern's door. Glancing back at their friends' table, Leliana saw that Alistair had risen up in response to the commotion. Without breaking stride, she shot him a significant look to let him know that everything was under control. Nodding slowly, he sank back into his chair even though he still followed them with his eyes.
Leliana didn't say another word until they were out of the Gnawed Noble and onto the street. In spite of the fact that it was shockingly cold outside, her face felt uncomfortably hot. Anger had replaced her worry, and she wanted nothing more than to shake some sense into Kallian. Still steering the elf along, she walked them some twenty feet away from the tavern's entrance before rounding on Kallian. The elf was still holding her wine bottle, and Leliana had to resist the impulse to knock it out of her hands.
"What on earth were you thinking?"
Kallian shrugged. "He grabbed me."
"I'm not a fool, Kallian. That entire charade was planned." Leliana glared at her in disapproval. "What did you hope to accomplish?"
"Dunno," Kallian stepped passed Leliana and began walking down the street. "Doesn't matter though, nothing happened."
Leliana started after her. "Yes, because I stopped you."
"Just go away, Leliana."
Those words made Leliana so angry she thought she was going to scream. Grabbing hold of Kallian's shoulder, Leliana yanked her around so that they were face-to-face. She then raised her hands up to tightly clasp Kallian's upper arms and spoke in harsh whisper. "No, I'm tired of this game! You do not get to run and hide every single time we need to have a conversation!"
She had expected the elf to try to pull away, but Kallian remained limp and unresisting in her grasp. When she looked up to meet Leliana's gaze, her voice sounded weary and slurred from drinking. "What do you want me to do?"
"Talk to me," Leliana loosened her grip on Kallian's arms. "Try to help me understand why you were about to smash a bottle over some drunk's head. I know that today has been difficult, but I can't be there for you if you're constantly trying to get away."
Kallian stared back at her with glassy eyes. It looked as though all fight had drained out of her back in the bar. Sucking in a breath through her teeth, the elf nodded a few times. "Let's take a walk or something. I don't want to go back to the safe-house right now."
"Where do you want to go?"
Kallian shrugged and eased Leliana's hands off of her arms. "Dunno…just somewhere else."
"Alright," Leliana brushed a few strands of hair out of her eyes. "I'll go wherever you would like. Provided of course, that this 'somewhere else' isn't another tavern."
A bleak little smile crossed over Kallian's face as she nodded in agreement. Wordlessly, the elf led the way down the street with a shuffling gait. Leliana tried to gauge their surroundings as they passed by the dark storefronts that lined the road. She had gotten a decent picture of the city's layout over the last few days, but it was almost impossible to orient herself at night. With the large buildings looming above them, walking down the street felt something like moving through a labyrinth.
Her biggest fear was that Kallian would make for the Alienage, but she soon realized that they were traveling east rather than south. Neither of them spoke as they walked, and the deserted streets were almost completely silent save for the occasional barking of a dog. A light snowfall had started while they were in the Gnawed Noble, and delicate flakes were swirling about like tiny wisps of cotton.
Leliana's anger began to fade as they walked. She was still frustrated and concerned, but it was too emotionally draining to hold onto any harsher emotions. All she wanted at this point was to find some way of getting through to the woman at her side. Kallian had to learn that relationships were a two-way street.
Wherever they were going, she hoped it was some place warm. She hadn't taken her cloak from the Gnawed Noble, and the night air bit through her leathers with the keenness of a blade. Even though she had been living in this country for just over two years, she had yet to become used to the terrible winters.
Leliana was still mentally going over what she was planning on saying when a frigid blast of wind carried the tangy scent of salt water to her nose. Roused from her thoughts, she looked up to see the wide expanse of the Amaranthine Ocean stretching out before them. The small path they had been walking on had dumped them out on the long boardwalk that stretched along the coast. As these docks were the heart of all foreign trade in the country, Denerim's port was filled with innumerable merchant ships. Against the deep purple backdrop of the night's sky, their masts reached upwards like hundreds of narrow black spires.
It was the first time since entering Denerim that Leliana could honestly say that something was beautiful. The ocean was always a majestic sight, and the inky water contrasted wonderfully with the yellowish moon that hung fat in the sky. As a refreshing change of pace, the breeze that blew in over the water smelled fresh and alive in the way that only a coastal region could manage. Though the waves barely broke on the gentle slope of the shoreline, the sound of the lapping water made for a charming melody. Taking a few steps forward to the edge of the boardwalk, Leliana smiled as she delighted in the peaceful setting.
Unfortunately, the cumulative effect was somewhat diminished when Kallian began vomiting over the side of the dock.
With a small sigh, Leliana walked over and took hold of the back of the elf's collar to keep Kallian from overbalancing and toppling into the assuredly freezing water. Watching without the slightest shred of sympathy, she stood there patiently while Kallian brought up an impressive amount of beer. Once Kallian had finally stopped retching, Leliana helped her to steady herself. In spite of the fact that she was swaying on her feet, Kallian didn't sound drunk when she spoke.
"Fucking hell," Kallian lifted the ceramic bottle and began working at the wax seal that kept the cork fastened. "I hate doing that."
Leliana gave her a level look and gestured at the bottle. "Are you sure that is a wise decision?"
"Relax, I'm not drinking it." Kallian opened the bottle with a firm yank. Tossing the cork aside, she took a mouthful of the wine and swished it around in her mouth before spitting it out. After repeating this two more times, she offered the bottle to Leliana. "You want any?"
"No, thank you."
"It's just as well, Nevarran wine is shit anyways." Kallian tossed the bottle over the side of the boardwalk and began walking down the nearest pier. Leliana followed after her with a small frown. Kallian's voice sounded both angry and listless all at once. It was painful even to hear it.
They stopped at the end of the pier, and Kallian sank down to slump against one of the large mooring piles with her legs dangling out over the edge of the dock. Unhappily noting that the wooden planks were damp from the ocean's spray, Leliana sat down beside her and shuddered when the cold soaked through her pants. Kallian's eyes were closed, and it looked for all the world like she had fallen asleep against the wooden post.
Leliana cleared her throat. "Why here?"
"It's nice," Kallian murmured without opening her eyes. "Used to come here when I wanted to get some peace and quiet. Merchants don't use these docks 'cause they're so small, and the guard doesn't bother patrolling for a couple of fishing boats."
"I suppose that it is quite pleasant."
"Best part of Denerim, for all that's worth."
They sat quietly for a time. In lieu of anything else to do, Leliana gazed down at the black water beneath them. She was content to let Kallian pick up the conversation whenever she wished, but if the elf passed out on her, Leliana was going to push her into the Amaranthine.
Kallian broke the silence after a minute. "About what happened back there, I don't know what the hell I was thinking."
"I suspect you weren't doing much thinking." Leliana gave Kallian a prim look. "Honestly, what could have possibly compelled you to pick a fight with five men who all outweighed you by at least sixty pounds? They would have torn you to pieces."
"I lost control for a moment. I remember being drunk and angry, and then suddenly I'm standing in front of that table with the bottle in my hand. I don't know, Leliana…maybe, I really am going crazy."
Leliana shook her head. "You're not crazy."
"No," Kallian breathed out a quiet, humorless laugh. "Just stupid."
This conversation wasn't quite what Leliana had been expecting. Kallian sounded almost defeated when she spoke, and Leliana felt the last vestige of her anger slip away at the elf's words. At this point, she'd feel almost like a bully if she kept berating Kallian. It was time to leave the ugly incident at the tavern behind and focus on actually doing something to get through to her friend. Taking a moment to gather her thoughts, she reached out and placed a comforting hand on Kallian's back.
"Perhaps, but I think you can be forgiven for that on account of what happened today." She tried to put as much warmth in her voice as she possibly could. "There aren't many people in this world who could remain levelheaded after hearing that all their friends and family were in terrible danger. That must be terrifying, and I'm sure you wish there was something you could do. I won't pretend to know how all of that must feel, but it is important to me that you—"
"I was raped."
Leliana stopped in midsentence as the softly spoken words registered in her ears. Turning her head to face Kallian, she opened her mouth and then closed it again. After a beat, she finally got over her surprise long enough to force out a reply. "I beg your pardon?"
"You wanted to know what I wasn't telling you, and that's it. I was raped."
Taking a breath, Leliana let it out slowly. "When?"
"The day I was supposed to get married. A noble named Vaughan came into the Alienage to start some trouble with a few of the girls. He got pretty aggressive, and my cousin ending up knocking him out with bottle." Kallian's eyes were open, but she hadn't moved from her slumped over position against the pillar. "The bastard deserved it, but apparently that doesn't matter when you're the son of the Arl. He came back once he had woken up, and he brought a small army with him. Interrupted the wedding ceremony and just started grabbing any girl that caught his eye. That included me."
Leliana was floundering. She had no idea what she was supposed to say or do in response to this. Feeling uncertain, she lifted her hand off of Kallian's back and placed it on the elf's shoulder in the hopes of lending some support. Her chest felt uncomfortably tight, and she could only sit there lamely while Kallian kept speaking.
"I spat in his face when he tried to take me, but all that did was piss him off. He had his guards smack me around a little, and then the other girls and I got dragged off to his estate. When we got there, they separated me from the others. Took me up to this bedroom where Vaughan was waiting with three of his friends. They told me they were having a party."
Her voice cracked and she trailed off. Gently squeezing the elf's shoulder, Leliana said the only thing that came to mind. "Oh Kallian, I am so sorry."
"I could have fought them, you know." Kallian didn't give any sign that she had heard. "They were drunk; I might have stood a chance. It's what my mother trained me for. When it came down to it though, I was too scared to fight back. So, I just…uh,…I just let them do that to me."
Leliana bit her lip. "You must not allow yourself to think in that way. You never 'let' those men do anything to you."
"I didn't fight them either." Kallian swallowed thickly and drew in a sharp breath. "I just cried and kept begging them to stop. One of them thought that was really funny. He was laughing like it was some kind of joke. I still don't see what the hell is so funny about that."
The elf broke off with a small sniff and raised one hand to roughly paw at her eyes. As Kallian fought to compose herself, Leliana sat there feeling helpless. It was absolutely terrible to see Kallian in this much pain, but Leliana wasn't sure what she should be doing. When she had been on the other side of this conversation back in Lothering, it had seemed as though the Mother Superior had always known exactly what to say.
Now though, Leliana would have given anything to have that gift. Every single word of comfort that she could think of sounded trite and inadequate in her mind. She didn't want to bombard Kallian with a bunch of weak condolences, but she knew that she had to say something. At a loss, she just waited until Kallian had recovered, and spoke up in quiet tone.
"How did you get away?"
"I don't know. The last thing I can remember is one of them hitting me for some reason. After that, there's just a big black hole." Kallian's voice sounded dull as she said this. "Next thing I know, I'm covered in blood and standing in the middle of the Alienage. My cousins told me that I had killed all four of them. By all rights, I should have ended up executed by the guard, but Duncan stepped in and recruited me. That's how I became a Grey Warden."
"Did that help at all?" Leliana tried to make out the expression on her friend's face in the darkness. "To know that they are dead?"
"No. I thought it would at first, but it doesn't."
Kallian shook her head gently and fell silent once more. Feeling a pang of sorrow, Leliana reached out and gently brushed a few strands a hair away from Kallian's face. The elf didn't shy away from her touch, and Leliana felt slightly braver as she spoke. "I can't tell you how sorry I am that you had to experience such a thing. All I can really say is that it does get easier with time."
The elf looked at her. "If that's true, than how come I still can't sleep without having nightmares? Why do I start shaking whenever Alistair gets too close, or have panic attacks for no reason at all? It's been months, Leliana. Why haven't I gotten over this?"
That wasn't a question Leliana had an answer to, but she tried regardless. "It's not something you just get over."
"You did."
Leliana gave her a sad smile. "Kallian, the first few months I was in the Chantry, I doubt I said more than a word or two. It's true that I eventually put the memory of my rape behind me, but that took nearly a year at a place that afforded me safety and a chance to rest. You have spent the last several months running and fighting for your life. I doubt you've had enough time to catch your breath much less to recover from something like this."
Kallian turned back to stare out over the water. After a moment, she gave the barest of nods. "But, it will go away?"
"I won't lie and tell you that it does so entirely." Leliana tried to sound encouraging in spite of her words. "You might forget about it for months or even years, but there's always a chance that something will stir up old memories and it will hurt all over again. The important thing is to keep in mind that a single terrible experience does not define a life. That remembered pain won't be as bad as it once was, and you'll have new joys to ease the sting of the recollection. Whatever you may think right now, life does go on."
Kallian shook her head. "You make it sound easy."
"It won't be." Leliana smiled softly and squeezed her hand. "But you will get through it all the same. You're much stronger than you realize, and I'll be around to remind you of that whenever you forget. Believe me, you're going to be fine, Kallian."
She had hoped to say something meaningful, but her words had an effect that she had not intended. Drawing in a ragged breath, Kallian brought up a hand to cover her mouth. In spite of her efforts, a muffled sob broke through, and soon Kallian's shoulders were shaking violently as she cried. Hesitantly, Leliana leaned over to gently draw the elf into an embrace. Without any further prompting, Kallian wrapped her arms around Leliana's chest, and buried her face in the crook of Leliana's neck.
Leliana stroked Kallian's hair with one hand while quietly murmuring meaningless bits of comfort. It only seemed to make her cry harder, but Leliana had a feeling that was somehow a good sign. Shifting to a more comfortable position, she pulled Kallian into her lap in order to hold her closer. Kallian barely seemed to notice the motion, and she said something in between gasping breaths that Leliana couldn't quite catch. When Kallian's sobs had finally died down to nothing more than a few feeble sniffles, Leliana planted a small kiss on the top of her head before leaning forward to whisper in her ear.
"Do you feel any better?"
"Yeah, a little." Kallian gave one last sniff and wiped at her eyes. "I…uh,…thank you."
Leliana smiled a faint smile and toyed with a lock of Kallian's dark hair. "No, let me thank you for trusting me with something such as this. I know how difficult it can be."
"I meant to tell you sooner, but I was never able to." Kallian tucked her head under Leliana's chin. "Part of me was afraid of how you would react."
That made Leliana frown just slightly. She had never thought of herself as particularly frightening. "Why?"
"Dunno, I guess I just keep waiting for you to figure out you don't belong with me. That's part why I never really wanted to talk about my life in Denerim."
"Hush now, that's a foolish thing to say." Leliana rubbed the back of Kallian's neck in comforting manner to take any sting out of her words. "If I didn't belong with you, then we would not be together. Besides, you know that I love hearing those stories."
Kallian gave a small shrug. "It just seems like I'm more trouble than I'm worth."
"I will allow that you have an impressive capacity for being difficult," Leliana let a teasing note creep into her voice. "But you also make me happy. You're funny, and clever, and far kinder than you will ever admit. I like that you give your full attention to the stories I tell, and I absolutely adore that sound you make when I kiss along on your neck. On top of that, I could go on all night about how good you look in those leather pants of yours."
Though Leliana couldn't see Kallian's face, she could hear the smile in the elf's voice. "And that's enough?"
"It's more than you might think." Leliana stroked one hand along Kallian's arm. "Most of all, I believe that you would never intentionally hurt me. In my experience, that's a far rarer quality that most people would expect. I trust you Kallian, and that means a great deal."
Kallian let off a choked sort of laugh before hugging Leliana tighter. They sat like that for a little while with the only sounds being the soft rumble of the Amaranthine and the whisper of their mingled breathing. After a few moments, Kallian spoke in a barely-audible whisper. "I think you're the best thing that's ever happened to me."
The elf's raspy voice was soft, but the frank honesty in her tone made Leliana's chest swell with warmth in. Smiling, she bent down and kissed the top of Kallian's head once more. "Good, I'd hate to think I was playing second fiddle to anyone."
Kallian mumbled an agreement and then spoke up in a firmer tone. "Really though, I need to thank you. This is the first time in a long time that I have felt like I'm not completely fucked up."
"You are so welcome." Leliana wanted to make a joke to downplay the seriousness of the elf's statement, but she knew it would be inappropriate. Instead, she wisely kept her mouth shut and focused on simply being there for her friend. After a moment, a small thought occurred to her. "Have you ever told anyone else?"
"Not really, but Alistair knows." Kallian made a disgusted sound. "He saw the memory of it when we were all in the Fade. Then he wanted to talk about it. I think you might remember the fight we had as a result."
Leliana winced. "Ah…you know he meant well."
"Yeah, he always does." She blew out a breath. "It still pissed me off. I wasn't ready for someone to know."
"But tonight you were? After drinking your weight in beer and nearly starting a bar fight?"
"I dunno…like I said, I've been trying to tell you for a long time." Kallian squirmed about in discomfort. "It just felt like I couldn't keep it inside anymore. Today was really hard, and I needed to do something to change the way things were. Then, this all just kind of tumbled out. I'm sorry I sprung it on you out of nowhere. I had planned on this going better."
"I think it went well enough." Leliana idly brushed some snowflakes off of her trousers. "I'm glad that you did decide to tell me. I'm sure hearing about your family was difficult, and I know that talking about your hardships will do you a world of good. We are not solitary creatures, we need to share our burdens every once in a while."
Kallian nodded. "Yeah, I just wish I had come to terms with that before I started drinking. That wasn't a good choice, but I wasn't thinking straight after talking to Slim and Alistair."
"I understand." Leliana pulled back to look down at her. "Does that mean that you are no longer angry with Alistair? I half-expected another fight when he first told you that you couldn't go."
"No, I'm not angry with him anymore. I wasn't even mad at him when we were back in the tavern. It's not easy to admit it, but I know that he's right. There are just too many risks."
Leliana pondered this for a moment. "I've seen the way that you climb. Surely it wouldn't be too difficult to get into the Alienage if we worked together."
"You'd think so, but you've never seen the Alienage in lockdown. Those walls are nearly fifty feet high, and the guard puts in double patrols to make sure no one gets in or out." She gave a resigned shrug. "Even if we could get in, there would always be the chance we'd end up catching the plague. The last thing we need is to be spreading that around Denerim when the Blight is on the doorstep. It sucks, but I'm not going to be that selfish and risk everything we've done. I'll just have to hope that my father and my cousins are alright."
"The Maker will watch over them."
"He never has before…but let's hope so."
They lapsed into silence after that. Kallian was likely deep in her own thoughts, and Leliana wanted to give her some time to herself. Instead of talking, she stared out over Denerim's harbor and admired the scene before her. It really was a pretty part of the city, and the faint mist that was rolling in leant it a kind of mystical quality. Noting that the moon had risen high above them, she wondered what time it was. Alistair would surely be wondering where the two of them had gone off to.
The creeping mist also brought a chill breeze that sent a shiver down her spine. Gently tapping Kallian's arm to get her attention, Leliana glanced down at her. "Are you ready to go back? We should probably get some sleep for tomorrow."
"Uh…Do you think we could stay for a few more minutes? I think I need a little bit more time to get my head on straight."
"Take all the time you need."
Leliana settled back and tried to ignore the way her legs were falling asleep. Lovely as it was out on these docks, it was not terribly comfortable. All the same, she wouldn't voice any complaint whether Kallian wanted to stay out here for five minutes or five hours. She remembered what it was like to be in the elf's position, and she would do everything she could to help Kallian along.
After a little while, Kallian cleared her throat. "Hey Leliana?"
"Yes?"
"I think I have to vomit again."
"Ah."
xxXxx
I can't tell you how many times I mentally revised this conversation over the course of the fic. I really wanted to avoid the wailing and gnashing of teeth that usually accompanies these types of scenes, so I went with something that I hope came off as a little more subdued.
Anyway, I would absolutely love reviews on this chapter because I found it incredibly difficult to write. Let me know if it worked for you or not, because I think it's an important aspect of the relationship between Kallian and Leliana and I would not be adverse to reworking it if the feedback is negative. So, I'd love to hear any criticism or comments that you have!
Big thanks to my beta reader Gorg who pointed out some inconsistencies in the chapter, and also thank you to everyone for reading!
