(chap 1)
You know what I think? All we need is a PLAN. Something big. Something grand. Something ... EXTRAORDINARY. Good thing you came to me, 'cause IIII know what it should be. Moves close to Voldemort and puts arm around his shoulders and uses the other arm to point to the sky, a tear glistening in his eye. Think about it Volders, ... Your name up in lights ... I think you know where I'm headin' ... I thiink you know where I'm headin'!!
Voldemort and Me at same time: THEME SONG!
It's the perfect plan I turn on a projector and some music. Every "Evil Person", well, I wouldn't call you evil, but just to stick to layman's terms, you would be considered an evil person. Don't you agree?
Voldermort nods inquisitively.
Good! So anyway, lets start back on the early days. Long John Silver had that weird Pirate theme. Darth Vader had his weird theme. And well Sauron and Saruman ... not sure if they had themes ... but they won Oscars. Team Rocket had their theme. Those bad guys from the original "Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers" had their weird theme when their little "Moon Base" was shown. You know: dunnndunnnnn ... The French Taunter in Monty Python, and Mr. Creosote had a theme. Even the freakin Karate Kid had a theme. So now we have to find you a theme!
Pulls down chart and takes out stick to point.
Here is the plan. We need a composer. Now I was thinking John Williams, but Severus seems to think that Paris Hilton is the way to go. It's your choice, we'll come back to it later. Next, we will need some kind of like you know, like a signature pose. Like umm... the Rock, you know, his um Raising that eyebrow thing. Voldemort raises one eyebrow. Yeah! Like that, but it's already taken. Like the DX crotch chops. And ummm Paris Hilton's "That's Hot" quote thing. But it seems that "Avada Kedavra" seems to be your own special little quote, so you can keep that. I've hired some choreographers to find you your own little "Action" movement. NEXT on the list, now, I wanted this to be a surprise ... but I can't hold it in any longer!
I take out a big Movie Poster and unravel it for him. It looks like this: (for some reason the pics cant come but trust me they are hilarious. If you wanna see, message me and ill post the link in my profile)
Me: Great eh? We managed to get Steven Spielberg to direct this! Well ... we had to persuade him a bit. Not only that, we got great actors to play the roles! We got Jessica Alba to play Bellatrix, we got Brad Pitt to play Severus, and of course we got Ben Stiller to play your Father! Oh and Jack Black as a younger Slughorn ... And in a SURPRISE flashback scene, we have Vince Vaughn as Salazar Slytherin. Oh and Will Ferrell as Professor Dippet. Oh and the Wilson Brothers, Owen and Luke, as some of your school buddies. Oh well, basically the whole Frat Pack were given roles. And to play the Potters, we have Jon Heder playing James Potter and Kirsten Dunst as Lily Potter. And for the teen girls, we have Justin Timberlake as a younger Sirius. And for Lupin we have Mike Myers. We also have Samuel L. Jackson as an Auror hell-bent on capturing you, and his partner John Travolta, who you will kill. I know that bit is made up, but the Producers wanted more action. So yeah, very star-filled. Basically We want to rival the Harry Potter franchise, cause if Harry Potter has this much attention, you should to! So Sony will be backing this film. But we have to include Spiderman somehow ...
Voldemort: But ... But ... I'm not black ...
Me again: Tut-tut ... i haven't gotten there yet. Now, me and some of the Death Chewers. Oh, I renamed them, if that's alright. "Eaters" made it seem too ... dangerous. They should chew death so they don't choke. Understand? Plus it has that evil side, because you get to chew the death, you get to savour it... Anyways, me and the Death Chewers have been thinking that you are a bit too white, so ... We planned a trip to Bali! All expenses paid. Severus and I even chose out some reeaaaaalllly great looking swimming trunks. It's got a SNAKE on it! Woooo! By the end of it, you will be as black as Eddie Murphy. Thanks for your time, your lordship. See you at our next meeting. Mrs. Watson will show you out. My next appointment is here. Come in Mr. Lensherr
Me (Talent Agent): So Mr. Potter, Ms. Granger, and Mr. Weasley, why have you come to my little firm? I daresay to guess that you need a bit of publicity?
Harry: Well, yes, sir. We feel that -
Ron: The frickin Baudelaire and those Wardrobe children are getting more publicity than us, cause it takes sooo looong to make the movies and books -
Hermione: Calm yourself Ron. Anyways our proposal is that -
Me: You wish to have a second film made about your journeys
Hermione:ShockedWow! Howd you know that? are you a wizard as well? Have you mastered Legilimency?
Me: ... No. Thats just what you guys left as a message with my secretary when you made the appointment.
Hermione: Oh
Me: Anyways, Im sure youve all heard of my very successful business relationship with Tom Marvolo Riddle
Harry: You mean Lord Voldemort?
Me: Oh whatever you want to call him. The Dark Lord, Lord, Kitty, Tom, whatever. Anyways Im sure you've heard, or maybe even seen the film I helped produce?
I wave over at a wall in the background with a Movie poster that is framed
Me: -all smug- So I'm sure you have a movie all planned out?
Harry: Actually -
Ron: No we don't have a beep clue
Me: It's alright, cauuuuuuseeee I knew something like this would arise annnnd I have THIS to show you:
I Pull two posters from under my desk and show it to them
Harry: What's this?!
Me: Oh we've just started production without you
Harry: ... but ... how'd you do it so fast?
Me: Well thats why Im the best in the business. The movie is already generating Oscar buzz ... which I started ...
Ron: Why isn't there a poster of me?!?
Me: Oh, the producers and I decided to kill you off
Ron:Speechless expression I...I
Me: And here are some other posters we plan on putting up.With your full co-operation, we believe this movie will be a success. We are filming in Detroit if you ever want to visit
Hermione: Detroit?!
Me: Well yes, we spent a lot of money on pre-production and paying the actors, and a bit on booze...
Harry: Do we get anything?
Me:Laughing "Do we get anything" ... haha. Well of course you do my little wizard. you gettt...
I reach under my desk and pull out 2 boxes, and hand them each 2 Hermione and Harry
Ron: What about me?!
Me: Well, the moment your character comes back to life and does something in the movie, Ill give something to you. Anyways, youll find some nice little goodies in there. A Voldemort keychain, a Pen with your FACE on it ... ANND a limited edition bag of M&MS ... I don't know why that bag is open.
Harry: I meant do we get any of the profit?
Me:Laughing "Do we get any of the profit?" ... my dear Harry, you crack me up. Stay still please
I reach under my desk again, but this time, I push an intercom button, and whisper "Ms. Watson, call security. Code 1049." And I pop back up smiling
Me: Well well... so ... what was your question again?
Harry: Do we get any of the profit?
Me: What was that? I can't seem to hear you, especially with all this music on.
Hermione: What music?
I hit a button on a remote control behind me, and "Livin' la Vida Loca" starts playing
Me: Why this music of course!
Harry: Shouting Do we get any of the profit?
Me: Well -
The door slams open and around 10 burly security guards with tasers and guns storm the room
Me:acting badly Oh my! What is the meaning of this!
Head Guard: We have suspicion of there being drugs in this room
Me:acting badly Drugs! How horrible ... what's that?!!?!?
I point in a direction and everyone looks that way, and while Harry, Hermione and Ron are looking where my finger is pointing, 1 guard slips a bag of cocaine in Harrys robe pocket
Hermione: I can't see anything
Me: Oh well, must just be something in my eye. Go ahead officers, proceed with your investigation. Oh this is so exciting!
Guards are searching around, and look at Harry, Hermione, and Ron. They tell them to stand up, which they do. And they search their robe pockets ... and... The guard pulls the bag of cocaine out of Harry's pocket
Me:badly acting again OH MY!! There it is officers! Officer I lean closer to read his name tag Creosote has found it!! GET THEM OUT OF MY OFFICE!!
Harry: I've never seen that in my life!
Ron: You planted tha- A guard tasers him ahhhhhhhhh!!!!
Hermione: Why would he use cocaine!?!?
Me: How am I supposed to know? Get them out!
Ron: You won't get awa- The guard tasers him again ahhhhhhh beep
Officers are dragging them out, while Ron and Harry are cursing at me. When they all leave, I close the door
Me:to myself phew, I never thought I'd have to use Code 1049 ...
We hear faintly from outside the door, the sound of Ron screaming again from being tasered and him shouting "I didnt even say anything!" and getting tasered again ...The intercom rings - I answer it
Ms Watson:Through Intercom Mr. Lensherr is here again
Me: Send him in ...
(At the premiere of "Harry Potter: The Later Years")
James Blunt & Lindsay Lohan are walking around and waving at the fans (See up to read previous post). While Harry and Hermione are sulking behind and Ron is hiding with the Invisibility cloak since he wasn't invited to the Premiere. Harry feels him shaking
Harry: Stop shaking! The cloak will fall off!
Ron: I can't! The taser effects haven't worn off!
Hermione: Maybe there is a way to get rid of it
Harry: Doesn't matter now, no one can see Ron, just wave at our fans
Hermione: ... none of them seem interested in us. They seem to be more interested in Eminem, 50 Cent, Owen Wilson, and the others ... Let's go talk to that talent agent
In the distance I'm talking to some fans, and signing autographs while Harry, Ron and Hermione walk up to me
Me: Well I'm very proud of this movie ... where? You want me to sign your boob? Well oka- Oh hello children. Mr Weasley isn't here? Good. I had prepared some guards in case. Well what are you doing moping around, go talk!
Hermione: That's the problem, no one is interested in us
Me: Oh my poor children, just talk for a while, introduce yourselves, just like the first day of school! Now shoo! I have to sign a few ... documents. They walk away - Oh my! Robin Williams and Billy Crystal! My my, I never expected you to show up. We have no more places ...
Robin Williams: Oh that's too bad
Billy Crystal: Yeah ... I guess we'll hop back in our limos and go back home and get drunk ... A pause, and then they both burst out laughing, along with me
Me: Ha! Good one you guys! hahaha ... no more places for you! Ha! that's a joke ... we'll just get rid of ... Mr. Potter ... annnnd ... no ... Mr. Blunt was important ... oh and Ms. Granger! There you go! hahaha ... no places ... I crack myself up (The 3 of us are laughing hard). Let's go in.
The actors are all lining up to enter, and it's Harry, Ron and Hermione's turn (Ron is hiding between them so he can squeeze in). They walk up to the Guard at the door with the namelist and say their names
Mr. Creosote (Guard): I'm sorry; your names aren't on that list
Harry: What? There has to be a mistake. We got invitations
Mr. Creosote: Look buddy, your name ain't on the list, you ain't going in
Harry: But this movie is about US!
Mr. Creosote: Laughing Yeah, and Cleopatra was about me! Get lost
Ron: Throws off the cloak still shaking you let us in! Or we'll make you.Their hands are lingering over their wands in their back pocket
Mr. Creosote: Oh really? Larry! Harry! Mary! Get over here! Three big looking guys walk over These guys seem to think they is gonna be wizarding up all over us
Harry: Yes we are! Pulls out his wand and points it at Mr. Creosote, but Mr. Creosote pulls out his gun and points it at his head
Mr. Creosote: You try casting a spell, and I be blowing your wizarding head all over this red carpet Larry is pointing his taser towards Ron, who is cowering and shivering like a baby, and is really scared. Harry and Mary are holding Hermione back Now GET LOST.
