Disclaimer: As always, I own nothing but Jemma and my plot.

You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. - Barbara de Angelis


A light snowfall had just began when Jemma stepped out of the library. Snow was not something she was accustomed to, having never left Oklahoma before. Jemma left the only coat she owned unbuttoned as it was too small to cover her growing bump. She shivered as the wind passed through her and walked quickly to the Metro station. Half way there, Jemma's phone rang in her coat pocket.

"Hello?" she answered.

"Hey, Jem," Garcia said. "Listen, Kevin and I are doing some Christmas shopping tonight, so I can't hang out."

"Oh," Jemma said, disappointed. "OK. Well, have fun."

"Sorry, Jem, I'll make it up to you tomorrow, I swear." Garcia promised.

"Alright, I'll hold you to it." Jemma grinned then said goodbye.

With a sigh, she continued to the Metro. Instead of going to Quantico, she took the route back to the empty apartment.


Jemma had changed into a pair of Spencer's flannel pyjama pants and CalTech hoodie and was curled up on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, reading Steinbeck's East Of Eden, and sipping a mug of hot chocolate when there was a knock on the door. She wondered who would be dropping by at all, let alone this late until she looked at the clock and noticed it was only four thirty in the afternoon. With a heavy sigh, she got off the couch and answered the door.

"Jemma Cavanaugh?" the delivery man asked.

"That's me." Jemma said, eyeing the box in his arms.

"Sign here please." he said, handing her the paperwork.

Jemma signed her name quickly, excited to open what she could only assume was the package Spencer had mentioned the night before. She gave the delivery man back his clipboard and yanked the box from his hands, then she hurried back to the couch to open it.

Inside the box was a small, purple mp3 player, a set of large headphones and a note. Jemma unfolded the note and smiled when she recognized Spencer's messy handwriting on the page.

Hey Jemma, I was just thinking that the baby might like some music. I already loaded the mp3 player with some classical music and I recorded myself reading a couple books, they're on there too. Don't let him listen for more than an hour a day though, amniotic fluids can amplify sound and damage his hearing, among other things. Anyway, I miss you and I hope you're alright. I'm sorry I've been gone so long, I swear I'll make it up to you. -Spencer

Jemma smiled, but a tear trickled down the side of her face. Spencer was finally showing that he cared about the baby, even if it was possible that it was not his and here she was putting it up for adoption.

She laid down and began to cry, overwhelmed with confusion. She wanted her baby to have the best life possibly and she hadn't believed that she could give him that. Now she was doubting her decision. Doubting her decision that had been the result of her own self-doubt, it didn't get much more confusing than that. After this simple gesture, Jemma now knew that Spencer had the potential to be a great father, and maybe he was beginning to realize it too. All Jemma wanted was whatever was right for the baby.


The southern Utah police station was nearly empty, save for a couple of the local police working the night shift and Spencer Reid, genius profiler, left staring at a map, a cork board covered in photographs of victims and crime scenes, and a tower of unsolved case files, trying to focus his exhausted mind on solving this case. Focusing was not exactly easy when in his hand was a picture of all he really wanted at the moment.

Three megapixels did not do his redheaded beauty any justice. He could remember her bright smile, her adorable dimples and the shine of her hair much more vividly in his mind and he did so as he stared at the picture, but holding the picture in his hand made it feel like she wasn't so far away.

"Why don't you just tell her how you feel already?" JJ's voice startled him.

"Tell who I feel what?" Reid decided to play dumb.

JJ rolled her eyes and plopped into the chair opposite Reid. She was exhausted from this case and was in no mood for this. "Jemma. You love her."

"N-no, I don't." Reid blushed.

JJ laughed at how much the agent she considered her little brother was acting like a prepubescent boy. "You stare at that picture of her whenever you get a chance, you never stop talking about her, and you blush whenever someone says her name. You love her."

Reid's blush deepened, but he did not deny it this time.

"You need to tell her." JJ said.

"She's having a hard enough time as it is," Reid said. "She doesn't need me to make it any worse."

"You know she wants to hear it, Spence." JJ said. "I can't imagine how she can live thinking that there's not a person in this world who loves her."

Reid could imagine what it was like. Before joining the BAU, the only person who loved him was his mother, and she was rarely lucid. Even after all these years, there were still times when Reid believed that his colleagues would not care if he just did not show up for work one day. Somehow, he had managed to fall for a girl who was even lonelier than himself.

It was understanding Jemma's loneliness in the last few weeks that had helped him to understand why her pregnancy was so hard on her. In the beginning she denied the possibility that the baby could be her rapist's because she did not want to think of the lonely future ahead of her if that were the case. Since Reid had made the mistake of denying his part in the conception, Jemma was afraid that he wanted nothing to do with the baby.

That was why he sent her the mp3 player. He had wanted her to know that he did care about the baby. He was afraid to get attached before knowing for sure if the baby was his. Reid still believed that Jemma should put the baby up for adoption if it was Colwyn's. Of course, he could understand now why she would not want to and he would support her no matter what. Deep down, part of him wondered what would be worse, for the baby to have psychopathic genes or schizophrenic genes. His biggest fear was that he could not be the father the baby deserved and that he would pass on his mother's mental illness.

"Hey, Pretty Boy, what are you staring at?" Morgan asked as he entered the room with Prentiss in tow.

"Huh? Oh, nothing."

Reid's co-workers just laughed, the entering two taking seats at the table with him and JJ.

"He's got Jemma on the brain." JJ teased.

"Oh," Morgan said. "How is the Princess?"

Prentiss laughed. "Jemma is way too tough to be a princess."

"The girl's got him wrapped around her finger and jumping through hoops." Morgan teased.

"No she doesn't." Reid fought back, turning a deep shade of red once again.

"But you would do anything she asked." Morgan said.

Spencer did not deny this because it was true. He really could not say no to Jemma.

"Well, I'd say it's time we head back to the hotel." JJ said, "I need to call Will and Henry."

Reid made a mental note to thank JJ later for changing the subject before it got too uncomfortable. He knew now was not the time though, her separation anxiety was at a peak right now. Two weeks away from her son had turned her into an emotional wreck. Of course JJ never showed it, but Reid could see it on her face and sometimes could hear her crying in the room net to his at the hotel.

The downtrodden agents made their way back to the hotel. Morgan drove, being the least tired of the four. The ride was spent in silence as well as the trek from the Suburban to their rooms on the fourth floor. Reid was just about to slide the key into the door of his room when he heard JJ speak to him.

"You know, it was really sweet that you sent that package to Jemma." she said.

"Oh, well, uh... I guess I just feel bad for leaving her alone for so long." Reid said, nervously scratching the inside of his elbow.

JJ saw right through him. "Well, it was sweet anyway. She'll love it. You're going to be a great father, you know that right?"

Reid sighed. "We went for a DNA test. We should have the results sometime before Christmas."

"What are you going to do if it's not yours?" JJ asked.

"I think the better question is what will I do if it's mine." Reid said, unlocking the door to his room and stepping inside.

"Wait, Spence-"

Reid closed the door so only his head was sticking out. "I have to call Jemma now, I'll talk to you tomorrow." He then shut the door in JJ's shocked face and made his way to the bed. Reaching into his pants pocket, he took out his cell phone and dropped it on the bed farthest from the window. He stripped down to his boxers and threw on a white t-shirt from his go-bag before collapsing onto the bed and pressing speed dial 1 on his phone.

"Hey darlin'." Jemma greeted him.

Reid felt a slight pang in his chest, but his face lit up at the sound of her voice. "Hey, Jem." he squeaked.

"Thank you for the present, I love it. You even got the colour right." she said, trying to cover up the shaking in her voice.

Reid saw right through it though. "You've been crying." he accused. "What's wrong? Are you OK? Is the baby OK? I'm coming home, Jem."

"Spencer, calm down, I'm fine, we're fine. I'm just... I'm just kind of hormonal today."

"Are you sure?" Reid asked. "Cuz I can come home if you need me to." I want you to need me to, he thought.

"Spencer, I'm fine, they need you there more than I need you here." Jemma lied.

"Alright." Reid sighed. "So how was your day?"

"Sucked." Jemma replied. "I've still got morning sickness, work sucks, Penelope ditched me for Kevin, and it's cold here. How was yours?"

"Not much better." Reid replied. "I miss you."

"I uh... I have to go, Spencer." Jemma said, almost as if she were in a panic.

"What? Why?"

"I... I just do." Jemma said. "I'm sorry, Spencer."

"It's alright." he lied. "Have a goodnight. I'll call you tomorrow."

"Goodbye, Spencer."

"I love you." he said to the dial tone.


A/N: Thank you for reading. I'd love some feedback. I always want to know what my readers think of each chapter.