A/N: Thanks for all your reviews :D ! And sorry for breaking your heart... Here's my easter treat for you.

Chapter: 27

"Sandy, what are your motives behind this?" Harold, Laura's father, asked him after Sandy accepted paternity for Ryan. Until then, Sandy thought he was doing the right thing, a good deed, but somehow Laura's parents doubted his motives.

"What are you talking about?" he asked irritated, got up from the arm chair and walked back and forth through the spacious living-room of Harold's and Elisabeth's home.

"This comes just a little out of the blue. You've been dead set against a kid in your life and now you claim fatherhood? I just want to understand what changed your mind. Why do you want to be a father now?" Sandy wouldn't deny that this was a good question. He wouldn't admit it out loud though.

"I simply changed my mind that's all," Sandy tried to cut off the conversation.

"You know, we all would understand if you said "no" to the kid. Damn, even if it hurt Laura like hell, we would understand if you just turned around and left. I mean, this kid will always be a reminder for what Laura did to you. How can you possibly…build the emotional bond of a father to Ryan?" Harold asked. He's been right with his concerns. Until today Ryan reminded him of the crisis Laura and Sandy sailed through during that time. Sandy struggled hard not to let it out on Ryan, but the more days past the more he realised that he failed. He failed although he's been determined not to. Harold has been right. No matter how hard Sandy tried. He never got the mentioned emotional bond to Ryan. And he overestimated his will power, his strength. It's been hard to see Ryan into the eyes and still treat him like he was his son day after day. It's been harder than he thought it would be. It proved impossible treating Ryan like his son being from his own flesh and blood.

"Sandy, stop being naïve. You'll never be a father to Ryan. That's impossible. Safe yourself, Ryan and Laura the pain and…let it go," Harold suggested then and Sandy felt awfully hurt. Looking back, it seemed like a good advice. Sandy could never offer Ryan the place in his – Sandy's – life he deserved. The was some sort of inner drive which always put his own desires first and Sandy didn't possess the power to stop this inner drive.

"Harold, I really appreciate your concerns, but you're crossing a line here and I won't accept it," Sandy spat. He's been furious.

"Sandy, I only want to make sure that you know what you're getting yourself into. Having a kid, being a father is a huge responsibility," Harold went on.

"And you doubt me being responsible enough for this?"

"Well, let me put it that way: you're very responsible when it comes to your career," Harold replied. This got Sandy's rage boiling.

"Sandy, please I didn't mean to…"Harold tried damage control when he read Sandy's facial expression, but Sandy wouldn't let him.

"Know what Harold? I want you out of my house, now. I won't let you ruin my family. It won't be easy, true. But I want to give it a try and if all you can say about it is that I'll fail, then you'd better leave and there's no need for you to come back until you haven't changed your mind about my decision." Sandy had been final about this and cut the relationship to Laura's parents. He's been deadly angry when he found out that Laura started to reconnect with them, pursuing the aim of introducing Ryan to her parents as their grandson. He was afraid that Laura's parents would talk her into believing that everything was wrong and that she should better leave him, because Sandy couldn't be a father to Ryan, at least not the one he needed. All signs were speaking against him and Sandy feared the influence Laura's parents could have. He tried hard to make this family thing work out and it hadn't been easy. It's been damn hard and he wouldn't let anyone ruin it. Sandy was afraid of them, because Harold had known from the very beginning. Harold acted as Sandy's self-portrait and Sandy was like Dorian Grey: afraid to look at his own reflection because everything might crumble to dust.

After his little encounter at school Sandy decided that it was better if Ryan stayed home. They both admitted that maybe it might've been wiser to listen to Dr. Hagen's advice from the very beginning, but neither of them wanted to accept the truth. Ryan's never ending headaches and tiredness spoke for themselves. The results of Ryan's bloodwork weren't yet there and thus it was still uncertain what had caused Ryan's nosebleed. Ryan tried not to think about it, although now he had a lot of time to think about such things. He hadn't thought he'd end school after such a brief time. He wished he could still go, he could use some distraction. The thoughts running in his head were driving him nuts. Ryan had discovered that playing the piano was quite a good measure to keep all those thoughts off his mind and it helped against boredom. He was forced to concentrate on something which was good. Hence he didn't notice Sandy coming home.

"You're practicing again?" Sandy said the second he entered the living room. Ryan didn't recognise him, since he was sunken in his thoughts. The latest events left him thoughtful. He got to the conclusion that indeed he has been wrong about the decision he has made. But that fuelled the fear that the only reason for Sandy agreeing to it was to get him out of his hair. Well, it wasn't an actual fear, but a dull tasting realisation that Sandy didn't make his decisions in respect of his – Ryan's – wellbeing, but only because it suited him best that way.

"Hey, I'm talking to you," Sandy said again nudging Ryan to get his attention. Ryan shook his head to clear his mind for whatever Sandy had to say to him and looked up.

"What?" he asked, sounding more irritated than he actually intended to. Yes, he started practicing again, but not because he had to. This piano and the music was all he had left from his Mom. It felt like he got a connection to her, although she wouldn't be around anymore.

"A little absent?" Sandy asked him and Ryan thought this was an ironic question asked from someone who was barely present enough to know his – Ryan's – name. At the same time, Ryan didn't realise that something was odd, that he actually felt odd. He's been awfully tired for days now and no matter how slow he let it go, it wouldn't suffice to regain some energy. He fell into deep sleep in the early evening and when he woke up in the late morning he was still deadly tired. Ryan knew that this meant bad news, but he was reluctant to react according to it. He wanted to keep up the status quo as long as he could. To him it was obvious that in not a long time, his life would be turned upside down again.

"Are you listening to me?" Sandy asked him again and somehow his voice sounded different, as if coming from far, far away. Ryan got up instinctively wanting to lay down a bit. Red blotches were dancing over the white piano keys. He didn't realise that he was the source of those blotches, thinking his mind was playing tricks on him. He got up slowly, but the world started spinning. He didn't know what was happening when everything around him turned pitch black.

The first thing he got aware of was a stinging smell. His head felt fuzzy and it seemed to be an ordeal just opening his eyes, so he kept them closed. He already sensed where he was even without seeing it. Keeping his eyes closed would gain him a few more minutes of peace until the whirlwind of discussions about treatments and more medications would start anew. Anyway, he felt too tired as if he could only lift an eyelid.

"I knew I'd regret my decision," he heard a familiar voice say, but he still was reluctant to open his eyes to see who was talking.

"Okay, you might have made a false decision, but that happens. We're not almighty. We can't foresee what will happen," he heard another familiar male voice say.

"My judgment is impaired. I'm not objective anymore, I told you so."

"But do you really think it was a good idea to hand over his case to someone else? To someone who's not familiar with the circumstances of his life? Do you really think it was better letting someone take the lead, someone who might not care what's going on despite his medical condition?"

"Neil, don't you understand what I am saying? I'm not helping, but endangering him."

"With all our decisions we are endangering our patients. And although you don't see it, you are a helping him. Don't you see how far you got? You are talking to him and he is listening to you. He is talking to you. This is by far more than all the other doctors in New York have done for him. I doubt that any doctor who lifted the veil would have sent this kid home with a father who was ready to drag his seriously sick kid across the country to perform a so called new start." Sounded like his story, Ryan thought.

"I don't know," the female voice sighed. "This here is my responsibility. I've taken it and I have to handle it appropriately," she went on. Oh, now he was someone else's responsibility? How did he come so far? As much as he knew he was his own responsibility since his Mom left. Suddenly it dawned him who was with him and although his head was still not well functioning he got a bad conscience, because he really didn't want anyone wracking him- or herself for something he did.

"Well, then see it that way: nobody got killed through your decision so you still have a chance of reversing it."

"Very funny."

"Stop doubting yourself. Only because you didn't make the most optimal decision, doesn't mean that you are a bad doctor. It only means that you are human and that's a good thing, believe me. I mean you've been leading a cancer centre in New York."

"What means I never had enough time to get invested in a certain case," she insisted.

Ryan still didn't feel ready to open his eyes and muster his surroundings. His body felt so heavy and exhausted, so instead he felt how he was wrapped in by darkness again.

He couldn't tell how long it took his mind to start working again. His consciousness plopped back into working mode and suddenly Ryan's mind was awake again. He felt stronger this time. Not much, but he was ready to open his eyes again. But as soon as he has opened them only a little, he regretted his decision as he was insulted by way too bright lights and somehow everything around him seemed to be loud and noisy and he only wished to sink back to the place he has been only seconds before.

"Hey there," he heard a female voice he knew all too well. He blinked before his sight cleared and he could make out Dr. Hagen's face hovering over his. He didn't say anything, but tried to get into a little more upright position. Dr. Hagen helped him. He looked around. Not ICU which was good, at least less bad than expected.

"Bad?" he asked carefully assessing in what mood Dr. Hagen was in. After their last conversation Ryan had noticed that even she was capable of being angry and he didn't want to risk anything.

"Well, no signs of an infection until now, but your blood work isn't done, yet," she stated plainly, before she sat down with a sigh. "This didn't end well," she told him and Ryan understood that she was talking about her decision of releasing him.

"So I'm not going back home too soon," Ryan stated flatly having realised that he had gambled away his last bit of freedom.

"At least not as long as I can't be sure that there's someone looking out for you to prevent something like this from happening again." Dr. Hagen sighed with a concerned face. She looked tired and older than Ryan remembered her from the last time he saw her. He felt his heart sinking. He again was causing nothing but trouble. He really had tried to stay out of the way and not to bother anyone, but has failed once again. A lump formed in his throat and Ryan tried to swallow it down, but it didn't work.

"I'm sorry," was all he could say. It was the only thing which came to his mind. He watched Dr. Hagen critically raising an eye-brow. He once again messed up big time.

"What? What are you sorry for? This was my decision. I should be the one apologizing to you for exposing you to a situation which didn't leave you much of a choice," Dr. Hagen replied which left Ryan mute. He didn't know what to say as response. He didn't understand why she could think that this wasn't his fault. Wasn't it always his fault? It felt unreal and wrong that someone was taking responsibility for what he did wrong. Maybe she had to say this, but thought something else. She's been clear about what she thought of this school thing. Maybe talking like that was what kept her from flying into rage.

"But …you told me that I shouldn't go to school. It was my decision going against your advice," he clarified the situation. Dr. Hagen shook her head.

"Ryan, you are a teenager. You're not supposed to act rational and all responsible. It's already scary how mature you are. I'm glad that there's a little of a teenage boy still left in you after all you went through. I should've foreseen this from happening. I knew that you're lacking of any responsible parental figure. I also know that you use to blame yourself for everything what happens, and I also know that this causes you to act much more independent than you can physically be. I know that you're willing to do anything to stay out of the way," she explained to him. Ryan was taken aback, since it felt like a mirror talking to him. It was scary listening to someone giving him a to the point analysis of his character. It was hard to believe that this was Ryan Dr. Hagen was describing, but Ryan knew that she was talking about him. His motives were always ridden by the urge to stay out of Sandy's way and not to bother anyone any longer than necessary. He just felt uncomfortable others straining themselves about his issues.

"So, I'll have to stay here for…like quite long, right?" Dr. Hagen nodded and suddenly Ryan felt awfully disappointed.

"I'm sure you could imagine a million better places to be than this here, but…I'm quite close with some of the nurses and I think I could arrange a few extras for you," Dr. Hagen picked up his expression, but said these words with a wink in her eyes. Ryan raised a critical eye-brow because what could possibly be called an extra within the closed walls of a hospital?

"Hey, they'll know how to smuggle in food from outside of this building and I'm also quite sure that we can extend your visiting hours so you can spend some extra time with your friends and a private tutor – if this is really what you want – is also possible," she tried to cheer him up, but Ryan had reached a state in which there was nothing less possible than cheering him up. He felt utterly depressed about his situation and about his condition.

"Don't be sad, kid. We'll do our outmost to make this place a little nicer for you."

Later that day

"What are you talking about?" Sandy snapped at Dr. Hagen. She's been folding him flat for Ryan being in his current state and he couldn't accept that. His idea going against her advice might not have been the wisest, but now she was once again crossing a line which he was desperate to hold.

"I'm talking about his grandparents. His mother's parents," she explained to him.

"I understood that, but what I don't get is what they have to do with this here," Sandy exclaimed furiously. He erased these people out of his life after Ryan was born. It's been tough enough to keep them out of it, especially when Laura thought it was a good idea that Ryan got to know her parents. He wouldn't allow them to enter his life through the back door.

"They want to see their grandson whom they barely know," Dr. Hagen tried to explain her motives to him but they didn't count a cent for him.

"I mean, they didn't have time to say good bye to her daughter…don't you think that they're punished enough and that they at least should be able to…you know how critical your son's condition is," she talked on. She had informed Sandy about the lack of effect the treatment had so far, something Ryan didn't know about yet. She told him that the sudden nosebleed probably was the result of the cancer having vastly spread through Ryan's blood, affecting the blood cells. Sandy understood that this meant no peachy prospective for his son and thus agreed that it was wiser to wait for the results of the bloodwork before talking to Ryan about it. Dr. Hagen also informed him that there was a high chance of the cancer also having reached over Ryan's organs, but she would need more tests to find out. She herself hoped that her fears were wrong, so did Sandy. Again there were too many new problems closing him in and once again and he had no remedy for them. He had no idea how to cure the cancer and he had no idea what to do to make Ryan feel better, enabling him to deal with his situation. No matter what he did, it was wrong. So what else was there left to try?

"Don't you think that there's a reason for me not letting them near my son?" Sandy countered self-conscious.

"Which was?" Dr. Hagen tiled her head and waited for an answer. Was he obliged to give her the reason?

"I just don't think it would do him any good," he said determined. It was his business why he wouldn't let them enter his life.

"I can't say anything to that, but I thought this could be a little help for you and Ryan. Ryan might be more comfortable around…his own grandparents. He might accept his situation more and that could relieve some of the pressure resting on your shoulders," Dr. Hagen tried to persuade him. Usually sandy would agree that for Ryan it was best if taken care of by real family, but Sandy couldn't give in, not on this.

"Maybe you could talk to Ryan about it. See what he wants. Maybe he doesn't want to meet them, because they haven't been there for so long. But maybe he wants to meet them, since they are his mother's parents and could let him a little closer to his Mom," Dr. Hagen went on. Sandy was astonished that this time she was leaving him the actual space to make a decision.