A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

Posting this chapter makes me realize just how close we are to the end of this story. Once it gets to a certain point, things take off with a bang and their peace (or what they've found of it so far) is shattered. This chapter is basically Carlos' side of the story. Not as long as James' was, but that's because there isn't as much to tell since we know most of it already. Thanks for reading!


Kendall expected the printed papers to be snatched out of his hand the moment he sat down; instead Carlos threw the blanket over him and cuddled closer, waiting until Kendall had lifted his arm to let him get snuggled in before relaxing again. "This is nice."

"Very," Kendall agreed, rubbing a hand up and down Carlos' arm. It was nice.

"How did you get into writing?"

"Uh." This was the part Kendall was dreading, the questions he knew would come. What was it Carlos' uncle had said? The best way to lie is to throw in a little truth to make it believable. "You know, it's weird. I didn't grow up thinking about it or wanting to do it. It sort of just happened."

"How?"

"I was more of a jock, played a lot of sports. But I would read books here and there as an escape." One truth, one lie. He could do this.

"And?"

"I liked making up stories. I'd get good grades on my papers when I wrote. Except for the spelling and grammar. I'm not so great with that."

"I'm not either," Carlos chuckled. "But my education was...not exactly consistent."

"Oh?"

"Nope, we're talking about you."

"Damn," Kendall sighed. "Where were we?"

"You got good grades."

"Oh. Well, I did. And Mom always said I had quite an imagination. I just never wanted to go in that direction, you know?"

"What changed?" Carlos asked softly, as if he knew where the story was going.

"Everything changed when Mom and Katie died. I didn't care about sports anymore. Didn't care about anything anymore. Fantasy was easier to face than reality, so I spent a lot of my time writing." Three truths, one lie.

"Stories about heroes who saved people from death?" Carlos said shrewdly.

"One hero, actually. But yeah. He always saved people."

Warm lips pressed to Kendall's jaw, and why was there suddenly a burning behind his eyelids? He was making this shit up, there was no reason to cry over it.

"I'm sorry," Carlos whispered.

"For what?"

"That you couldn't save them. I don't know the whole story, but I know that you blame yourself, and...there's no way them being killed in a car crash is your fault. You know that, right?"

"It was my game, Carlos. They were coming back from my game." Where the fuck were these tears coming from?

"So?"

"So?" Angry now, Kendall shoved Carlos away and stood up, the manuscript all but forgotten in his right hand. "Don't act like it's not a big deal. It's huge."

"So you would rather they didn't go to the game?"

"Of course! I'd rather they did anything else that night! I wish Mom had to work late. I wish Katie had been grounded. I wish...I wish it wasn't my stupid championship game, that they weren't so proud of me and excited that it got them fucking killed!" All truth, no lies. That was the worst way to run a mission.

Carlos shook his head, knowing better than to look at Kendall right then; Kendall deserved the privacy of his own grief, and he knew Kendall would give him the same courtesy. "Don't wish that. There's nothing better than having a family that loves you and is proud of you. I'd give anything for that."

"But it got them killed."

"I know," Carlos nodded. "Love got my sister killed, too. Not so much my parents, they dug their own graves, but my sister...and my uncle. His love for me is going to get him killed. I'd rather love them and die, though, than not care and be lonely. Because when my sister was alive, she was my best friend. She was everything to me. And I'm glad I made those memories with her before she died. Everybody dies at some point. It's not fair in cases like your mom and sister, or my sister. Or even my aunt. She was the greatest," he laughed, lifting a fist to clear away a stray tear that had come out of nowhere. "But love them while they're here. Don't wish they didn't care, because then what's the point of even living?"

Kendall didn't want to hear words of wisdom from this man. He wanted to hate him and blame him for all of it. Instead he sank down next to Carlos, who immediately pulled him close and offered the consolation he was able to. "I miss them," Kendall admitted. "I'd give anything to have them back."

"I know. I would, too. All we can do is try to live a life they'd be proud of. I'm working on that, on finding a way to be the kind of man my sister and aunt always wanted me to be. You're working on it in your own way. Why did you really move here?"

The words came easily to Kendall because even though they weren't the answer to this exact question, they were the truth. "I moved away from home because the memories were too hard. I saw them everywhere. I couldn't stand it anymore."

"Write that book, Kendall. Finish it and make them proud."

When Carlos held out a hand, Kendall passed over the papers. This was ridiculous, he wasn't even an author. Carlos had no idea what he was talking about. What would his sister think of him writing novels? What would his mother?

A shocked laugh erupted when he realized that his mother would be ecstatic. He was writing the type of story his mother swooned over. She'd always been a sucker for romance in a dangerous setting. And Katie? Well...she'd roll her eyes. Right before she patted Kendall on the back and said, "Nice job, bro. I didn't see that ending coming."

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing," Kendall mumbled, clearing his throat and wiping his eyes. "I'm gonna uh...I can't sit here while you read that. I'm too nervous." He stood up.

"Don't be gone long."

"I won't." Moving as if on autopilot, Kendall picked up the root beer cans they'd never finished and ventured inside, praying James and Logan wouldn't be naked on the kitchen table.

The kitchen was deserted. He heard voices coming from the dining room and ignored them for the moment, getting himself under control while dumping out soda. What the hell had come over him out there? He was supposed to be gathering information, not crying while offering his own. "This mission is so fucked," he muttered.

"You're tense. What's going on?"

The question from the dining room had Kendall pausing in the act of tossing empty cans. He waited for Logan's answer.

"I just...I don't feel like we're safe here."

"Babe, I told you why this is the safest place for us."

"I know that, I just..."

Kendall silently moved closer to the door separating him from the dining room, pushing it open a crack in order to hear better.

"We should go get Carlos." This from Logan.

"What? No, they need to talk this out. Just like we did."

"It's a mistake. Kendall really isn't capable of handling all this, he's not going to take it well. I don't think Carlos should tell him everything."

James' voice was wary when he replied. "What are you afraid he's gonna do? He wouldn't like...turn us in, would he?"

"Honestly, I don't know what he'll do. I just know that we're safer away from...all of this."

Oh, this was too much. Now Logan was trying to sabotage his mission? Kendall shoved the door open all the way and stepped through it, meeting Logan's gaze before his partner looked away guiltily. "What, you two aren't naked yet? I'm shocked."

"We're making a list of groceries," Logan mumbled.

"Where's Carlos?"

Of course that would be James' concern. "He's fine, I'm going right back out there. Logan, could I have a word with you in the kitchen?"

"Um...actually, we need to get this finished up, the delivery company has a cutoff time, so..."

"This won't take long."

"Kendall, really, we should—"

"Talk. In the kitchen. Now."

"He told you," James assumed with a sigh. "Everything. And now you're freaking out."

"No, he actually hasn't told me anything yet. He's still reading my prologue. But fine, Logan, if you want to have this talk here, we will. Let's start with—"

"Okay, okay, fine!" Logan jumped up in a panic, rudely shoving Kendall back toward the kitchen. "We'll talk in—"

"Kendall!"

The loud yell had everyone freezing for two seconds before James and Kendall were moving, both tearing through the kitchen to save Carlos.

It wasn't a scared face that greeted them on the porch, though, but an excited one. "Kendall! Did he get shot?!"

"What?"

"Who?" James wanted to know, immediately on alert and reaching for his knife as he stared around the backyard.

"Steel! You said he ducked and then it stops! Just tell me, did he get shot or not? He can't let Gina die, dude!"

Having hung back in the doorway, Logan smirked up at Kendall. "Told ya," he mouthed.

"Dammit, Carlos," James scolded. "You scared the fuck out of me. Don't yell unless your life is in danger!"

"Sorry, bro, but this shit is good! Here, read it!"

Kendall snatched the papers away from Carlos as they were being passed over. "Nope. Sorry, James, it was hard enough showing it to Carlos."

"It's fine, I don't care, just...Carlos, seriously. That was not cool."

"Sorry." This time Carlos seemed to be sincere in that. "Does he, though?" he asked after turning his attention back to Kendall. "Does he save her?"

"I hadn't gotten that far. Not even in my head. I'm debating both scenarios."

"No, dude, he has to save her. He loves her!"

"Well, we just had a discussion about how sometimes love isn't enough to save someone; sometimes it gets you killed instead."

Carlos' face shut down. "Right."

"So...we'll see how it goes."

James had stepped past Logan and into the house, but he paused now and slid his arms around Logan's waist to hug him from behind. "Well, I haven't even read it, and you didn't ask for my opinion, but...I vote for the happy ending. At some point there has to be a happy ending, right?"

Logan's eyes fell closed. He tightened James' grip on him and whispered, "Please God."

After a brief inner debate, Kendall held out the papers. James wasn't a secret agent, but he was in a similar position as Jack Steel. "Would you read it for me? Give me your honest opinion?"

"What do you want to know?"

"Is it believable? Is it really any good?"

James met the hope in Kendall's eyes with a firm nod. "I'll tell you the truth."

"That's what I need."

"Now hold on," Logan complained. "If he gets to read it, so do I. I am your best friend, after all."

Are you really? Though Kendall kept the words to himself, Logan read the meaning in his eyes loud and clear. "Fine. Read it. Maybe you can be my editor, help me when I need it." When Logan started to move away, Kendall added, "But Logan. I expect you to work with me. Not against me."

Hearing the underlying threat, Logan swallowed. "As long as you're true to yourself, that won't be a problem. Just...let your heart guide you."

James squeezed his shoulder. "We need to finish this, babe. Dinner will take a few hours, so..."

"Yeah."

Carlos went back to the swing. James gently pulled Logan toward the dining room. Logan looked back once, meeting Kendall's gaze and silently pleading, "Please."

Kendall said nothing.


Kendall dropped a hand on Carlos' shoulder to stop him from sitting. "Let's try something new."

"New?" Carlos spun back, brows drawn together.

Without explaining, Kendall sat sideways on the swing. He stretched his legs out across the cushion and reached for the blanket but didn't put it in place. "Your turn," he invited, waving Carlos closer.

"Not much room left for me, but I can make it work."

Carlos faced the swing, then lowered himself over Kendall so that Kendall provided the cushion to his shorter body. Only when Carlos' head was resting on his chest did Kendall settle the blanket over them, and once that was done he hugged Carlos against him. "Now I have you trapped. Talk."

"I could escape."

"Maybe. But do you really want to?"

After letting out a contented sigh, Carlos admitted, "No."

"Then my plan is working." They giggled before Kendall pressed a kiss to black hair. "Whenever you're ready."

"It's just hard," Carlos stated a full minute later. "Talking about it."

"I know. The hardest thing you'll ever talk about."

"Yeah. If I cry will you make fun of me?"

"You've already cried in front of me twice. Did I make fun of you either time?"

"No. I wish you had."

"Why?" Kendall asked in confusion.

"Because then I could hate you."

There was a smile followed by another kiss to Carlos' hair. "You could never hate me."

"I hate you for that reason alone."

Kendall chuckled.

"I don't know where to start."

"How about...your parents. What exactly were they into and how did they get that way?"

"I don't know all of that. I know enough, I guess, but...it started with my dad."

"Your dad?" Kendall echoed in surprise. "Not your uncle?"

"No. My uncle actually took over when my dad...you know."

"Right. And let's just get it out in the open. We are talking about drugs, right?"

Carlos tensed, Kendall hugging him tighter to give him the courage to answer. "I don't do them."

"But you sell them?"

"I..."

Kendall's heart sped up. Of course Carlos admitting to that was nothing, really, as they already knew he did. Still, it was confirmation from the source.

"I'm kind of the middleman. I don't actually...I mean...hell, who am I kidding? I may not touch the drugs or the money, but without me the deals don't get made."

"So you're...the supplier?"

"I'm the guy who arranges the deals. Not like every deal on the street, nothing like that. I'm kind of...my uncle's representative, I guess. It's too dangerous for him to meet directly with clients, so I take care of it. And I do it to keep him alive."

Kendall swallowed hard. That hadn't been at all what he was expecting. "So you meet with people. Like that...what was his name? Your first?"

"Jeremy. He was a new client."

"And you convinced him to do business with your uncle."

"I closed the deal. Set it in motion."

One of Kendall's hands drifted up so that he could pinch the bridge of his nose. A headache was coming on. "Start from the beginning."

"You hate me yet?"

"I could never hate you," Kendall whispered.

Carlos braced himself, then let the words flow. "My dad was into drugs. Heavy into drugs."

"Was your mom?"

"I think so. I don't really know for sure, I think she stopped when she found out she was gonna have us. Me and Cristina. We're twins. Or...were."

Kendall nodded.

"But Dad stopped doing them, too. He decided it was smarter to be the one selling them than buying them. I don't really know how my uncle got involved. As far as I know, he's never touched the stuff. I think he was more the...brains behind the operation, so to speak. My uncle's really smart."

Luis Garcia is one of the smartest men I've ever known. James' words floated back now.

"For all I know, he got involved to keep my dad safe. He would do that. But it was my dad's thing, and when he died, it was natural that my uncle took over. It's sad, because he told me once that his dream was to be a musician. He loves music and art, has paintings everywhere in his place. He has this room where he goes to hide from everyone when the stress gets to be too much, and there's a piano in there. I've never heard him play but my sister did, and she said he was really good. It sucks that instead of doing all that, he had to take care of us and a business he never cared about."

And again, this was not at all what Kendall had expected to hear. Why couldn't Luis be the horrible man he'd been excited about taking down? Why couldn't Carlos?

"He took us in when my parents were killed. A lot of it's fuzzy in my head, but I remember I used to have bad nightmares and my aunt was always right there running in to make sure I was okay."

"Where was Cristina?"

"In her room. It was kind of a suite, we had a common room that was like a living room and then we each had our own bedroom. I don't know how my aunt always knew when I was crying. But she did, and if it wasn't for her I don't think I would've survived without losing my mind."

"Was she part of the business?"

"Not directly. She died when we were fourteen, so I didn't know a lot about the business by then. My uncle was never the same after she died. Still sharp as ever, but his heart wasn't in it. It's like part of him died with her."

There was no mention of a wife in any of the paperwork he'd read about Garcia. "What happened?"

"It was cancer. She died young. We weren't allowed to see her a lot at the end. There were so many nurses in and out, and even though I was only fourteen, my uncle sent me into meetings with his crew. I was just there to listen and report back to him. After she died, though...he wasn't good for much, not for awhile. So it just kind of...I don't know. Snowballed. By the time I was sixteen, I was making decisions about the business. Big decisions. Obviously my uncle had final say in everything, but he was leaning on me more and more to help run things and...he was so lonely. Not like he missed sex, nothing like that. He just...my aunt was his other half. The good part of his life. He loved us, treated us like his kids, but...you know?"

"I can imagine," Kendall murmured. "Where was Cristina while all this was going on?"

"Getting tutored with me. Learning. My uncle taught her to paint and he'd usually allow her to go into his secret room and do that. She liked that. And she was really good. She was never happy, though."

"Why not?"

"She hated our lives. Felt like we were trapped there. I mean, at least I got out here and there to go set up deals. I got to see some of the world, met people and experienced things. She was confined to that house. Always called it 'the prison' and talked about how she had no future. It was hard, I hated that she was so unhappy but I didn't know how to change it. If we left there, we had nothing. We were completely dependent on my uncle."

"And you worried about keeping him safe."

"Always," Carlos confirmed. "He's got some people working for him that I still don't trust. I hate being away from him."

"How often do you talk to him?" Kendall knew the answer to that.

"Every day. I need to know he's okay."

"I'm sure he needs the same."

"Yeah. We uh..."

When Carlos trailed off, Kendall hugged him tighter for a second. "What?"

"Nothing."

"Carlos, no secrets."

"There are things I can't talk about. Not even to James."

"Really?" This was interesting. "What would you possibly have to hide from James? He's your bodyguard, right? Did your uncle hire him?"

"That's...not my story to tell. But basically, yeah, he's here to protect me."

"Do you have any reason to not trust him?"

"No. He's the most reliable person I've ever met. Except of course when he runs off to fuck the neighbor behind my back. That's not reliable."

Quiet laughter rumbled up Kendall's chest. "When you're in love..."

"You know what's funny? He got mad at me for wanting to see you. Told me there's no way I could be in love because we didn't know each other. Whether that's true or not, the second he met Logan it was like a switch was flipped. All the things he said to me were forgotten. Now it's his fault we're sitting here right now."

"Remind me to thank him."

Carlos shook his head, rubbing a chilled nose against Kendall's neck. "I don't even know who he is anymore. But that's not why I can't tell him everything. It's more that I'm afraid he might be right, that our house is probably under surveillance."

Kendall went numb. "By the enemy?" he managed.

"Or the feds. I thought he was being paranoid to think that, but the more time that passes the more I wonder if he's right. That's why we're having this talk here, why you can't come into my house. Because if he is right, I'm sure there's enough evidence already to take me in, and I don't want you involved in any way. Do you understand me?"

Rather than answer, Kendall licked his lips.

"I mean it, Kendall. I can't help the life I grew up in, I had no control over that. I already lost my parents and my sister. I'm not losing you, too. So if our plans work out and I get free from all this one day, I don't want a target on your back. I want you to be just some random guy I met innocently that I fell in love with and...that's it. You don't know anything. I'll have to change my name and set up a new life, somewhere far away. I don't expect you to come with me."

"Is this...Carlos, are you already working on this?"

"I'm not answering that."

"Hang on, you can't just..." Kendall sat up, gently pushing Carlos away. "Are you serious? You're gonna run?"

"I told you, I'm not talking about it. It's too dangerous to think about right now, there's shit going on within the organization and it's a touchy situation. But I hate what I do, I hate what it does to other people, and I can't do it anymore. My goal is to get my uncle out and take him somewhere safe, where nobody can find him."

"What about you? Does that leave you to take over the business?"

"I'm working on it. Just...I told you this was temporary. I'm not gonna be here forever."

Kendall could hardly think straight. Carlos didn't want the business. Carlos wanted to run away. To live a life where he didn't hurt people, where his uncle was safe. His uncle, a man who wanted only to make music. "James doesn't know about any of this?"

"There's nothing to know."

"Bullshit. You wouldn't have told me about it if it wasn't already in the works. Why are you telling me now?"

Carlos pulled the blanket up to his neck, a strong breeze causing him to shiver as he finally met Kendall's gaze. "Because all my life, I've had one real dream. I didn't think it existed. I know now that it does, and that there's a chance I could have it. I really don't expect you to come with me. There's too much baggage and you'd live the rest of your life in fear that we might be found. It's not the kind of life a guy like you should live."

Kendall couldn't bring himself to speak.

"But my sister once told me to never stop believing, to never stop hoping. She had a kid, did you know that? I don't know how much James actually told Logan, but Emily was their kid together. That kid was her ticket to freedom, and having something to love that was so perfect and so beautiful kept her going. I found something like that and it's stupid to think it could go anywhere. The cards just aren't in our favor. But dammit, Kendall, when I look at you, I feel that hope and I know that there is such a thing as a happy ending. There is so much beauty in the world. The smartest thing you could do right now is to walk away. Just...go back home or find a new place without the memories. Get as far away from me as you can because all I do is bring death and misery. I wouldn't hate you for it."

"Carlos..."

"I hate myself instead, for wishing that you wouldn't do that. For being so selfish and wanting you to stay with me so I don't have to be alone anymore, so I can have that love that keeps a person going. That makes life worth living. I just want...you."

Kendall's hand was trembling when he lifted it to Carlos' cheek, where a thumb wiped away a tear before sliding gently over Carlos' bottom lip. "I do love you."

"Enough to stay?"

He was numb again. Kendall couldn't even think well enough to breathe properly.

"Don't answer that yet. It's not something you should decide in two seconds. Just promise me we can spend tonight together, have dinner like normal people and then love me all night. Can you do that for me?"

"Is there a plan in place?"

"Almost. I'm so close."

Still there was no real answer. Carlos leaned in to kiss Kendall gently, Kendall's breath finally leaving him.

"Love me," Carlos begged.

"That much I can promise." One truth, no lies.