CHAPTER 29
Killua entered a small room that was in between the bedroom Laila rented them and the living room. He heavily sat on the couch – the only furniture that fit inside the tiny space - and sighed. Having a child was not what he had expected it to be. Really. He had been trained as an assassin, but at this moment, he felt like taking care of a baby was more mork than he had ever gone through in his life. The baby was now almost 4 months old, and things just now seemed to stop getting harder. He and Hayuri would take turns to watch over the baby boy, so they both could work. Killua had thought at first that he would work hard training and working and then rest while watching after his son. However, it was the other way round; he was more rested when away from the little bundle.
He couldn't even begin to understand how hard it was for Hayuri. For starters, there was no formula or nursing related technologies in this town, so there wasn't much he could do to help out on that subject. He didn't even count anymore, but he guessed that she nursed the baby at least 5 or 6 times every night. He had argued that they didn't need to do that and that they could set a schedule, so that she could get some sleep every night. Laila, however, had mentioned that in order to keep the milk production for a longer period than usual, she had to nurse the baby whenever time he wanted for at least a year. So that meant not only that she had been getting terrible sleep for 4 months straight, but also that Killua had to go once every morning to her work so that she could nurse him, since he was still too young to go so many hours without being fed. Also, every time she was around, the baby seemed to want to be in her arms and not his. Hayuri had complained a couple times about not being able to rest neither at home nor at work and said that she would lose her mind anytime. Killua had silently sat next to her as she cried a couple times, because of not knowing how to calm the baby when it cried or when she had an emotional breakdown. Their life had become a twirl of cries and restless nights, not having time to do anything but look after the kid, take care of the house, work and rest whenever they could. Every other night, when Hayuri didn't immediately fall asleep next to the baby, they sat in the kitchen and had some tea and talked for an hour or two.
The door opened and Hayuri entered the room. She nodded softly, signaling that the baby had fallen asleep while nursing, and she wordlessly sat down next to Killua. Hayuri closed her eyes and stretched her body on the couch. Her body was continuously exhausted; her back hurt from carrying the baby all day and nursing the baby all night. She guessed that the bags under her eyes were now constant. Also, her breasts still hurt whenever she fed the baby, less than the first month or two, but still. Hayuri felt that her body had been practically enslaved to the task of being a mother; she practically didn't get any space. Sometime she envied Killua, since his life seemed much more regular than her own, even when he seemed tired as well. On the other hand, she had to admit that the little bundle made her heart swell with warmth. She had immediately fallen in love with its big green eyes, silver hair and slightly tanned skin. His hands and feet were so small, that she wondered if they would break under the slightest pressure. Whenever their eyes locked she felt pride within herself and the will to keep going build once again. Hayuri couldn't rest if she knew that Yamato was sad or in distress, she felt the urge and pull to watch over him and care for him. She knew that Killua felt a huge sense of responsibility with his son, but she could see that building a bond with his son had not come as natural as with her. She had been a little worried at first, but she had seen it slowly build between them, with time. She had wondered before, but now she was sure that the bond between a mother and her baby was unique and it came from her gut, while the bond with a father was built through experience and with time.
Hayuri slightly turned to look at Killua as he encircled her shoulders with a smile. Killua always seemed to want to spend time with her whenever they had time; hug, cuddle, kiss, or whatever. Hayuri felt somewhat guilty, but some days she didn't want to have anything to do with anybody. When the baby was asleep was the only time of the day that she could lay back and rest for an hour or two or have some personal space to think or simply do nothing. However, when she looked into Killua's eyes, she saw how much he missed spending time with her. It killed her whenever she had asked for some space, because the disappointment in his eyes broke her heart a little. She loved him more than ever; he had been so great with her since the baby had been born. Supportive, loving, patient and fair whenever it came to taking care of the house or the baby. He changed as much diapers as she did, he cooked and cleaned as much as she did and thought ahead of their needs whenever she had too much on her mind. She couldn't really ask anything else from him. So, even though she sometimes wished to be alone, most of the time she simply accepted him and melted into his embrace, which she still enjoyed, even those days when she was craving for personal space.
Hayuri hugged him closer to her and inhaled his scent; it always helped her relax. She felt him nuzzling her head and she looked up to meet a soft kiss that he put on her lips. They kissed innocently for a minute or two, but soon Killua's kissed got hungrier and his hands started trailing up her legs. Hayuri immediately knew where he was going. Ever since a couple days before the baby's birth, Killua hadn't done anything sexual besides kissing, so nothing at all had happened. And Hayuri had been grateful; she didn't feel any desire at all. Not when she was alone, not when she was with Killua, not with anyone. And now that he was trying something for the first time, she didn't know what to say. She felt his hand cup her breast, and she immediately remembered how sore she still felt and how tired she still felt.
"Killua." She said and held his hand in place. "I… I don't want this."
"No?" Killua's eyes widened a bit. "But… it's been so long."
"I… I know." Hayuri said and gulped. How could she even explain to him the reasons for this? Before, it didn't matter how tired she was, because for some reason it never took a toll on her sexual desire. She didn't know why it did now, but she actually felt the sexual drive like a little girl. "I'm tired and I don't feel like doing this."
"I know you're tired… but it's been four months. Don't you sometimes want to? Even a bit?" he said and his eyebrows furrowed.
"I... not really. I'm sorry." Hayuri apologized and held his hand tighter. Both stayed silent for a while and Killua seemed to struggle with something.
"Many times, you don't seem to want to touch me and seem to want to be alone. You space out and sleep all day. I understand when you say that's it's because you need some personal space and all of that. But sometimes I feel that…" he finally locked eyes with her and the look on his eye broke her heart. "Do you… not love me anymore?"
"What!" Hayuri's eyes widened and she shook her head. "No! I love you, I really do. Even more than before."
"Then why do you not miss being together with me?" Killua almost growled in frustration and look at the ground. "I miss you so much. I don't get to spend alone time with you, I barely get to talk to you when Yamato is awake, I almost never get to hug you at night anymore. I understand all of that, because our son is small and he still needs a lot of attention. But, why do you not want to make love to me?"
Killua looked down again and his bangs covered his face, but Hayuri knew exactly what face he was making. She opened her mouth, but no words came out. What could she say at a time like this? She didn't even understand why her body was acting like that, but she certainly wished that it didn't. She wished that all the love that she held for him in her heart would flow to her body as it had easily happened before. Killua looked up and he tentatively put his lips on hers again. He kissed her fervently and Hayuri allowed him to this time around. She felt him move his hand up her leg, but didn't say anything. She didn't say anything when he touched her breasts and ass. She didn't say anything when he took the last of her clothes off while kissing her neck with need and desperation.
Hayuri was glad and happy to know that he still desired her as much as he did before. But her body didn't seem to be under her control anymore – not that it ever was, really. Killua moved her so that she was on her back and he was on top and he leaned down to put his arms around her. Hayuri had to suppress a wince when he entered her, her body stretching somewhat painfully and the lack of moisture in her making it rougher. She averted her eyes when she felt him move inside of her, scared that he would notice that she was in discomfort. His thrusts got harder and her insides got a little wet, which made the pain go away, but for some reason the pleasure never came. She cursed her own body for betraying her feelings of love for this man and making this so dull. Hayuri couldn't her but feel that they were not making love, but rather he was fucking her and she was allowing him to because of some sense of duty. Hayuri closed her eyes, hoping for it to end soon, and clutched the pillows with tight fists. When he barely grunted finishing and then lay down beside her, she had to turn her back to him. She didn't want him to see her as tears filled her eyes. Hayuri then swore that she would never do this again if she didn't feel like it, or she was sure that it would end up destroying their family. She felt terribly guilty and angry towards herself for changing her sexual behavior. Also, the more the seconds passed her anger towards Killua for not accepting her refusal only grew. He must have known she hadn't wanted, yet he had done everything to convince her otherwise. This was not how it was supposed to be.
Killua sat motionlessly next to her and covered his face with his hand. He wasn't stupid; he had noticed that she hadn't liked it. He could have sworn that he almost saw her flinch when he entered her. Only at that moment he noticed that he had probably done things to quickly blinded by his built up need of her. He then considered stopping many times while inside of her, but he wished so badly to receive a response from her. A little encouragement that he would take to turn things around and make her scream in pleasure once again. However, as he kept going, the sinking feeling in his chest grew heavier, dulling the sexual pleasure that he was supposed to be feeling. Now that he sat next to her, the intimacy that was supposed to bloom after sex was completely nonexistent. Even worse, he felt that they were miles further than before, when they had simply sat together and enjoyed each other's presence.
Suddenly he was brought out of his thoughts when there was a stifled sob next to him. He turned to Hayuri with wide eyes only to watch her pick her clothes in a second and disappear through the bedroom door. If Killua had had any doubt about her willingness before, he now had none. If she was so against it why hadn't she stated it again? She had said it once, but he thought that he had convinced her to give it a try.
Suddenly, Killua remembered himself questioning her love for him. He had actually never really doubted her feelings; he could see how her eyes softened at the sight of him, how she smiled in his presence and how grateful she was for having him. He had always known. He had done it unconsciously, but he now clearly saw his own hidden intentions in that question and he hated himself for it. He had left her no choice but to accept him, because he knew as well as she did that she had no control over how she felt and therefore had no logical answer for him. Killua recalled what Laila had told him before Yamato's birth.
Also, the woman's libido – or sex drive - gets unusually low after giving birth. It's not just the first month and a half as they say, since that period has more to do with a physical recovery thing. Actually, nursing hormones and exhaustion bring sex drive down as long as for a year, which It doesn't mean that nothing will happen at all, but it'll be… slow. I've seen woman being practically coerced - forced sometimes - into having intercourse with their husbands when they don't feel like it, sometimes even feeling pain while at it.
Killua snorted at himself, remembering how appalled he had been at the suggestion of making her do something she didn't want to. In the end, he had acted just like any guy too focused on his own sexual need to actually respect his mate's choice and feelings on the matter. He had felt how she had barely gotten wet after a while of intercourse, which proved that her sexual drive really was low. He had also seen her barely suppress a wince or two, meaning that he had actually hurt her a bit. She hadn't wanted him to know how she felt, probably due to his own questioning of her feelings. Killua clenched his jaw and thinking that Hayuri must've felt terrible at not being able to respond to him like he had asked. Did she hate herself?
On the other hand, now that he looked back at their history, nothing had ever felt this wrong between them. Of course they had disagreed a couple times or slightly snapped at each other when too tired. However, until now Killua had never felt like he had hurt her, disrespected her or broken her trust in him. They had been together for a year now, and he was certain of one thing that had never given much thought to when he was younger. A relationship was not based on passion – though it was a big part of it - but in respect and commitment. They were not together and did not love each other because of mere attraction, but because of everything else. How did she feel about what had just happened? He feared that he had done something that would take their relationship downhill from now on. Would they move past this? Did she hate him?
Killua stood up without a second thought and put his boxers and trousers on. He walked to the door that Hayuri had closed behind herself only a couple minutes ago and took a hold of the handle. However, he stopped his movements when he heard her sniffling and soft crying inside the bedroom. His heart clenched inside his chest and he felt tears glimmer in his own eyes. Was she angry with him? Would things get out of hand if he talked to her now? Shouldn't he give her some space now and talk later? Besides, if he entered the room, what was he even supposed to say to her? Sorry for forcing you into sex? He had no fucking idea.
Killua decided to stay away for now and talk to her tomorrow, so he lay down on the couch. He tried to get to sleep, but his worries and the guilt in his chest kept him wide awake all night.
- Time skip -
Hayuri woke up – for the fifth time that night – to her baby's complaints to be fed. Her eyes stung from crying so much and getting so little sleep and her body felt really sore because of the lack of rest. However, she immediately got to her baby with a smile and breastfed him. She looked out the window and out to the small backyard behind the house, noticing that it was morning already. She watched the sun rays filter through the tree leaves and the birds singing. She watched the scenery for a moment while holding Yamato's warm body close to her own and allowed the peace of it to wash the lump in her throat away. Killua hadn't come into the room last night, and she was honestly scared of what it meant. She was still hurt by his actions, and was still angry at herself for feeling like she did, but she was more worried about the both of them. After a couple minutes, she felt the door to the room open slowly and she turned her head to see Killua enter slowly. He quietly walked to where she was sitting just as Yamato stopped feeding. Neither said or did anything for a couple seconds until Killua gently put a hand on her shoulder.
"You watched over him the whole night, rest for a second." He said in a barely audible voice, afraid that he'd break the frail balance between them. "I'll change his clothes and diaper."
Hayuri wordlessly nodded and allowed him to take Yamato away from her. He heard him change his diaper and clothes, but she didn't dare look his way. He hadn't watched him in the eye since he had entered the room and was afraid to do so. She feared what she could find in his eyes and also of what she herself could feel when looking at him. She heard him walk past her and into the garden with Yamato in his arms. She watched as he softly talked to him and showed him around the garden. He walked for a while, without facing Hayuri at all, but suddenly turned his head to look at her.
Their eyes locked and she could see dark circled under his eyes and sadness and worry in them. She knew him so well, that sheimmediately knew that he felt guilty and ashamed. She felt tears in her eyes; she was glad that he had known that he had hurt her and that he had cared enough. At the same time, she wanted to ease his worries away and make things right once again. So, she stood up and walked to him, stopping right in front of him.
"Killua-" she started but was interrupted.
"I'm sorry." Killua said and looked down with regret as he held Yamato in his arms. "I'm so sorry. I've missed your company and attention so much this last months – which of course I understand you cannot give me like before. It lead me to unconsciously put you in a situation in which you couldn't refuse me. I knew that you were in discomfort, yet I wished it to change somehow and for things to be as they were before, so I didn't stop. I should have. I didn't even enjoy it and felt worse as minutes went by. You know how you feel and I should have respected that. I'm sorry." Killua finished and softly closed his eyes as a gesture. "I promise to respect how you feel for now on and never to pressure you into such a thing never again. So, please forgive me."
Killua opened his eyes after a couple seconds to find Hayuri softly smiling, unshed tears in her eyes. She moved her hand to cup his face and her thumb caressed his jawline.
"Of course I forgive you. I'm sorry too."
"You didn't do anything wrong." Killua objected.
"I know. But I'm sorry for what we're going through. I really deeply wish to reciprocate your desire, but my body feels like that of a child. Also, I don't want us to do things just because of commitment, because I'm certain that it will destroy us. I think we should take it slow. Is that all right with you?"
"Yes." Killua nodded and moved close to Hayuri, putting his face in the crook of her neck and inhaling her scent. Hayuri put his arms around him, careful not to crush their baby, and kissed Killua's temple.
"Killua, I wonder if what I'm feeling is normal." She sighed after a couple seconds. "Is this supposed to feel like this?"
"What, hasn't Laila said anything to you?" Killua raised his eyebrows.
"About what?"
"When we first got here she told me that after birth nursing hormones and exhaustion would probably keep your sex drive really low." He said and Hayuri's eyes widened. "I thought she had said something to you about it."
"She didn't." Hayuri said with a thoughtful face. She stayed silent for a couple seconds and then chuckled. "Now that I think about it, it's only natural that I'll feel this way."
"How?"
"Well, you know how I'm really close to nature and all. Only now do I recognize to how most female animals in the forest would never try anything after giving birth and no males would go close either." She scratched her head. "Maybe it's some sort of natural mechanism to avoid a second pregnancy so close to the previous one."
"Well… I don't know about that." Killua chuckled, amazed at how she always seemed to create theories for everything. "But I don't need a logic reason to respect your feelings on the matter. We'll take it slow but… er… try not to take too long."
Hayuri lightly smiled as she nodded and then kissed him on the cheek.
"I'll do my best."
Suddenly, and out of the blue, Yamato laughed. He laughed. For the first time since he had been born. It was the sweetest thing that they had ever heard. Had he noticed the tension before? Did he notice that things were now right between them? Killua and Hayuri widened their eyes in amazement and then burst out laughing. Their laughter echoed on the walls around the small garden and, just like that, the tension that had been surrounding them disappeared completely.
A/N: In this chapter I tried to picture how a relationship is tested after the birth of a child. I think a little drama is never unrealistic, especially in this kind of situation (when many relationships go to hell or divorce). I hope you didn't get too bored with all of this, but I think it was important to give a slight idea on what they go through with a child. I promise that on the next chapter action will start once again! Brace yourselves.
MadokaMagica1998 & Hexel-JustAnotherReader: Well, I think it would be terrible if I didn't know how to explain labor, since I have a son. I'm glad that you both liked it, and I too got chills when I wrote it.
