A/N
So there are major spoilers for 4X02 so if you haven't seen it look away NOW ok so this was kind of inspired when my mom was upset about Lancelot dying again in 4X09 I think it was and aslo I got some ideas from Tangled (don't ask) there is a slight Tangled reference well at least a reference to a line so see if you can catch that…READ! Italics is like a flashback and regular is normal time.
Merlin grumbled as he continued mucking out the stables. Arthur had, for the third time that week, ordered Merlin to go muck out the stables. As much as Merlin hated the task, he couldn't deny that it did help him to keep his mind of off those thoughts. He hated mucking out the stables though, and it wasn't just the smell that made him hate the chore so. Every time Merlin entered the stables, Lancelot's horse, Ash, would nicker and come up to the edge of the stall expectantly.
"He's not coming back you stupid horse!" Merlin snapped, fighting back tears. It had been a week since Lancelot sacrificed himself to heal the veil. Merlin kept expecting to wake up and find out the whole thing never happened, or for Lancelot to burst in and say 'sorry guys, don't worry I'm not dead!' or something of the sort. Merlin was living in a haze, and he didn't know how to escape it. Merlin sighed and inspected the stables, they were clean, and Arthur had no more chores for him, and Ash was looking very annoyed by the fact that Merlin was ignoring him. Merlin sighed and asked,
"Wanna go for a ride?" The horse huffed in what Merlin thought was in confirmation and Merlin quickly saddled the mare and rode him out to the forest. Merlin knew it was late, but he suddenly felt the powerful urge to get out of the castle. Merlin urged his horse to a gallop, not paying attention to where he was going. The cold bit at his skin causing goose bumps to appear. Merlin vividly remembered the trips like this he'd take with Lancelot.
Merlin sat in Arthur's chambers, polishing all of his boots. Merlin couldn't help but wonder how, and why, Arthur had no many boots, or how he managed to get every single one so dirty. Merlin jumped slightly when the door banged open. Merlin grinned and said,
"Hey Lancelot." Without saying anything, Lancelot grabbed Merlin's wrist and dragged him to his feet and Merlin exclaimed,
"Hey! I have work to do…"
"Not anymore," Lancelot replied, "I told Arthur you needed a break, we're going riding."
"Really? Arthur's ok with it?" Merlin asked incredulously.
"Well Gwaine did help a little" Lancelot admitted.
"Gwaine help?" Merlin asked. Lancelot started laughing as he continued to drag Merlin down to the stables.
Merlin shook his head, shoving the memories out of his mind, they were just too painful. After a minute Merlin realized Ash had stopped in the spot Merlin and Lancelot would visit. Merlin slowly dismounted and walked to the center of the clearing. Looked up at the stars that he and Lancelot used to spend hours gazing at, mesmerized by their beauty. Merlin shut his eyes and left the memories take over.
Merlin lay on the ground hands behind his head. Lancelot lay next to him, one hand behind his head, the other draped over his stomach. Neither said anything, both content to just be with the other. That's what Merlin liked about hanging out with Lancelot, they didn't need to say a word to each other to enjoy spending time together, and that's how it had even been with his friend Will.
"I've always wondered…" Lancelot muttered. Merlin turned his head to look at Lancelot and asked,
"Wondered what?"
"What happens when you die," Lancelot replied. Merlin turned to his side and asked,
"What made you think of that?"
"It sounds crazy but… I can't help but… I just have this feeling that things are going to change. And not for the better…"
"What makes you…?" Merlin began but Lancelot cut him off,
"Never mind, it's not important."
That was the last time he and Lancelot got to visit the clearing before Lancelot died. Merlin wondered if somehow Lancelot knew he was going to die soon, or was it just Lancelot worrying too much. After a minute of silent contemplation Merlin was unable to ignore his trembling from the biting cold. Merlin gathered a small pile of wood and lit it with a quick spell.
Merlin kneeled down by the fire and watched the flames reach up to the sky, the ashes slowly rising to the sky before drifting down again. Merlin's eyes flashed gold and a dragon rose out of the flames and flew towards the sky and exploded in the air sending a shower of sparks all over Merlin, but he couldn't bring himself to care. One of the many other reasons Merlin loved spending time with Lancelot,, Merlin could truly be himself without fear of execution. Lancelot not only accepted Merlin's magic, he embraced it. Lancelot was always asking Merlin to show him different tricks, he loved watching Merlin using his magic, and Lancelot always called it a gift.
Merlin couldn't bring himself to watch the execution of the sorcerer, he hadn't even done anything. Merlin had tried to convince Arthur to spare the man, he was only gathering supplies, but he wouldn't hear it.
"They're monster's Merlin," Arthur had said, "they're vicious and cruel. You'd do well to remember that." Merlin immediately rode out to the forest, claiming Gaius desperately needed some herbs. Merlin lay in the grass in the meadow, mulling over Arthur's words. What if he was right? What if magic did corrupt people, no matter how good they were? What if Merlin was destined to become a monster?
"I thought I'd find you here," A teasing voice said. Merlin didn't even need to look to know it was Lancelot.
"Am I a monster?" Merlin whispered.
"No, of course not what would make you ask that?" Lancelot replied sitting down next to Merlin.
"Every sorcerer I've ever known has for some reason or another turned… evil… what if I'm turning evil? What if I'm really a monster? Everyone says I am!"
"Did people in Ealdor say that?" Lancelot asked softly.
"They didn't know I had magic… they just knew I was… different…" Merlin whispered.
"You're magic isn't something that makes you evil. Didn't you always say magic was a weapon like a sword? It's the wielder who decides whether its good or evil," When Merlin didn't say anything Lancelot continued, "you're magic is a gift Merlin, don't ever forget that."
Merlin couldn't even begin to describe how much he missed his friend. He'd lost his one real confident, the one person he could go to when Arthur was being a prat or when he simply needed someone to talk to. He knew everyone was worried about him, they wanted him to talk about it, but they could never understand.
"Merlin we need to talk," Arthur said watching as Merlin lifelessly went about his work.
"About?" Merlin asked.
"I know you're hurting but you can't forget to live…"
"I haven't forgotten," Merlin snapped.
"Lancelot wouldn't want you to do this to yourself…" Merlin knew it was true but he just couldn't….
All the different memories were swimming in and out of Merlin's vision, blocking all other thoughts.
Merlin watched with a pained expression as Lancelot and the other knights prepared to go on a mission. There had been some strange creature terrorizing the outlying villages so Arthur was sending the knights to kill it.
"Be careful," Merlin begged Lancelot.
"We will," Lancelot assured smiling reassuringly at Merlin. Merlin wished he could help, with him they could easily beat the creature, but Arthur wasn't about to send a servant to help with something like this, it was too dangerous. It was one of those moments were Merlin wished more than ever for Arthur to know about his secret.
"I just… I'm worried," Merlin admitted.
"If we do die, don't let yourself die," Lancelot whispered.
"I wouldn't die just because…" Merlin began but Lancelot cut him off.
"Don't forget to live."
Merlin let the tears freely flow down his face. Lancelot had told him before every mission 'if I don't make it back… be sure to keep living.' Merlin was quickly realizing he wasn't living anymore. Arthur was right all along, Merlin was letting this destroy him. He had a prat he needed to protect, and he couldn't do that moping around. He would keep on living, for Lancelot.
End Notes
So I don't think anyone noticed, but if you did catch the Tangled reference I'll give you a virtual cookie… or maybe a little snippet of the next chapter of 'The Dragonlords Son' if you read that too. Please let me know what you thought!
