Note: Thank you to everyone who is reading and following, and especially those of you who took the time to review since the last chapter: TinDog, EastBlue, curlingduck, Paulina Ann, max2013, and Erin Jordan.
Choices of the Heart
Chapter 29
Frank entered his hotel room later that night after having visited Joe in the hospital. Callie followed him inside, but sat down almost at once on their bed, resting her head in her hands. Taking one last glance over his shoulder to make sure she was okay, he headed over to the balcony doors, opened them, and stood outside, closing the doors behind him. The view was breathtaking, with the sun setting over the warm blue waves. He took a moment to inhale the salty scent of the ocean, trying to calm himself, before he sat down on the chair by the balcony.
For the first time in his life, he didn't know what to feel. The conversation he had overheard between Callie and Joe seemed so surreal, and even now he wasn't sure he had heard everything correctly. The video had been one thing, and he had fully intended to throw it out. But now—now that he had heard about a shared kiss between his brother and his fiancée, a thought that even now he couldn't fully process, he found himself wanting to see it, to prove that those people on the DVD couldn't possibly be Joe and Callie.
Totally inexplicably, tears came to his eyes, and Frank took a deep breath and tried to blink them back. My God, he thought weakly. Why do I even want to see that… filth?! I must have misheard about the kiss... I must have. This is my little brother and the woman I love. I… no. I'm wrong.
Despite his attempts to reassure himself that everything was okay, he felt queasiness in his stomach and an ache in his heart that wouldn't quite go away. Closing his eyes, he wished away the past few hours, praying for some way he could have misconstrued the conversation to come to him.
He heard the door open, and someone pulling up a chair next to him. When he opened his eyes, he was surprised to find Vanessa, and not Callie, looking at him.
"Hey, Van," he said to her with a soft smile. He reached out for her hand, and she took it, gratefully. They continued to hold onto each other in a gesture of support.
"Where's Callie?" Frank asked her.
Vanessa smiled for the first time in she couldn't remember how long. "She's inside- in the bathroom, I think," she said. "She told me to come out here if I wanted to. I did, so…I did!" She let a small laugh escape her lips.
Frank squeezed her hand. "Well, I'm glad you did," he responded. "It's nice to see you under… less stressful circumstances." He turned to face her.
"Vanessa, if I didn't tell you this before, I want to now." He took a deep breath. "You've been so incredible with everything that's happened. I honestly don't know if I could have handled things the way you did if Callie was hurt. Joe's very lucky to have you." He gave her a small wink. "I just thought you should know."
Vanessa looked into Frank's eyes for a moment, and felt all of the emotions of the past few days come rushing towards her. She went to speak, but found that she couldn't, as she was choked up. She tried to mask her emotions- the incredible pain she had felt for Joe, the fear he'd die and she'd have to live without him, the tremendous relief when he'd awakened and told her he loved her, and the anxiety she still had to face, knowing Joe's health was still precarious, at best. She found herself simply giving Frank a slight nod.
Frank, however, sensed how she was feeling, having felt very much the same. He reached out for her and held her tightly for a moment. "I know, Van. Believe me, I know," he said to her, gently rubbing her neck. Vanessa wiped back the few tears that had managed to escape, and slowly pulled back from Frank.
"Thanks," she whispered. "I needed that."
"Me, too," Frank said, honestly. He wanted to hug his brother, but Joe was still far too weak. He wanted to take Callie in his arms, but she was distraught and preoccupied, and needed a little time by herself before he knew he could comfort her. As he had held Vanessa, then, he realized exactly how much he needed support as well.
"Frank," Vanessa began, finally getting back her voice, "I…I'm so relieved about Joe. I know this may sound strange to you but…" she hesitated. "I knew I loved Joe, but I didn't realize how much until this happened. When I thought I'd have to live without him…" Her voice trembled.
"I know, Van. Me, too," he said encouragingly to her.
"Frank, I… I wanted to say something, too."
As Frank looked at her, Vanessa felt her heart start beating faster. She was so scared to bring this up, but she knew she had to say … something.
"Okay," he said to her, listening closely, as he always did.
Vanessa found she couldn't meet his eyes when she spoke. "Back…when we first got to Joe and Callie, I saw how badly Joe was hurt. Nash, Jenkins- they're pure, unadulterated evil." Her eyes flashed. "But… when Nash told you that, you know, you had to… choose…" Vanessa paused. This was the hardest thing she'd ever have to say, and she saw the terrible pain in Frank's eyes as he recollected that moment as well. "I just wanted to say… thank you…for choosing Joe."
Vanessa started to cry again, heartfelt sobs of so many emotions. Frank had to look away, unable to fathom thinking about it any more. Will I ever get over that? Will I ever be able to face myself… and Callie… honestly, again? The thought haunted him still.
Vanessa went on. "Oh, Frank," she sputtered, "I hate myself! I HATE the fact that I was willing… I was so willing… to give up Callie, too. She's my best friend, the sister I never had. I love her, Frank. I hope she doesn't hate me," she continued, crying. "And I hope you don't hate me, either, because I was glad that YOU had to make that choice, and not me."
Vanessa continued to cry quietly for a few more minutes, and then quieted down. She was surprised that Frank hadn't responded, although what could he say? She realized now that she had just wanted him to listen, to help ease her own guilty conscience. When he did turn around, Vanessa was speechless. Frank's eyes held unspeakable anguish unlike any emotional turmoil she'd ever seen. Unlike Joe, Frank didn't tend to be emotional or to cry; he was the model for grace under pressure. But now… although still calm, the haunted look in his eyes was one Vanessa knew she'd never forget.
Finally he spoke. "I don't hate you, Vanessa," he said, in a defeated tone. "I hate myself."
Vanessa was stunned and started to tell him not to be crazy, but he silenced her with a steady look.
"Callie doesn't hate you," he went on. "And, although I have no idea why, she doesn't seem to hate me, either. She accepted what happened. Honestly, Van—I have no idea why." He tried to control the tremor in his voice.
"She's amazing," Vanessa replied softly to him. "She held up so well- with everything. God," Vanessa went on. "I don't even know the extent of what happened with her and Joe, but they seemed to rely on each other a lot. And then- what Jenkins almost did to her…" Vanessa shuddered. "I don't know how she's not a total basket-case right now."
Frank just listened, unable to think of a way of lessening Callie's pain. Despite his reassurances, his love, his support, he knew Callie was still hurting far more than she was letting on, despite her amazing determination to continue in the face of horrendous adversity.
"I'm going to go now," Vanessa said softly, kissing Frank on the cheek. "I'll see you tomorrow, bright and early, so we can go to visit Joe. Thanks for listening."
"Good night," Frank said to her. "And I'm always here for you."
When Frank went in a few minutes later, he found Callie sleeping soundly in their bed. He took a few moments to watch her, realizing again how deeply he loved her. He looked up, and saw the DVD, where he had thrown it, in the corner. He felt sickened that he had actually thought about watching it, believing there was something going on with Joe and Callie. He went to the bathroom to get changed and to take a quick shower before going to bed, trying to make sense of everything. Before he went in, however, he gently wrapped the blankets around Callie and kissed her cheek. "I'm sorry, baby," he whispered to her. "I'm so sorry.'
It was a dark room. She was alone. Anywhere Callie looked, escape seemed impossible. Joe, she whispered, the name barely a moan. Her lips, Joe's lips. And yet…with Joe or with Nash, the inevitable was going to happen. No! Not with Joe- No- anything but that!
Anything.
And then… the worst part, the part that came back to haunt her in her dreams.
Ugh, she groaned. She was so scared- terrified. Nash… touching her… forcing her to do unimaginable things. His breath on her face. His hands on her body. No! She screamed silently, wanting to get her voice out. Nothing came. PLEASE, no!
It got worse.
She was in her hotel room, alone. Suddenly, a hand reaching out for her. Jenkins! Help me! Help me! Why was no one there? And there he was, on top of her, forcing her body down. There was no pleasure, only pain. She couldn't move, she couldn't speak. And his hands… they were everywhere. Forceful, probing. No… no… please, not this. Frank?! Where was he? Jenkins' hands again. Frank- she had only, ever been with him. What we would he say? What would he think? Would he want her? The zipper of his pants. Unspeakable terror. Terrible pain. Knowing what was coming, trying to move. That made it so much worse. No! No! No!
Frank stepped out of the shower, got dressed for bed, and was about to brush his teeth when he heard moaning from the bedroom. Throwing open the door, he saw Callie thrashing on the bed, crying out "No!" over and over again.
Rushing to her, he took her in his arms and restrained her, trying to wake her up. He swallowed back the fear the came to him at once. Callie never had nightmares. "Callie! Callie!" he repeated. "Wake up! It's okay!"
Callie felt her eyes snap open, and felt someone holding her down. Her heart was pounding in her chest. She had no idea where she was. All she knew was that someone was forcing her down again. "No!" she screamed. "Don't … touch… me!"
Frank was startled at Callie's reaction. She was shaking so badly he could barely hold onto her. "Callie it's me! Frank! Stop- stop it!" He held her more tightly.
Everything was so confusing! The light. Someone holding her back, down. What was real?! Oh, God… "Help me! Joe- no! No, Joe! Jenkins! PLEASE," she sobbed. "Stop it! Frank!"
JOE?! Frank had no idea what to think. Right now, he had to somehow get Callie back to him; to the present. He fought back his terror, unable to think about her words- for now. "It's me! It's Frank! Baby, stop it!"
And then, she did stop, all at once, and like a frightened little girl held up her arms in front of her face to protect herself, head down, as though she were giving up, finally.
"Callie," Frank whispered, daring to release his grip on her with one arm so her could touch her face with his hand. "It's okay. Look at me."
It took her a moment, but Callie felt herself snap back into her body with a jolt. She felt sick and weak. Dizzy, she managed to look up and saw Frank's concern and fear, although she was barely able to hear his voice. Then- she was back, listening to his words, feeling him around her. She met his eyes for a moment, and finally broke down, her body wracking with sobs. Another nightmare, she sobbed to herself. When, WHEN would they ever stop?! It was so horrible, so devastating…
Frank had no idea what to do. He just clung to Callie, holding her against him, rocking her gently in his arms. That one, brief moment when she had met his eyes held such abject terror that Frank thought he literally felt his heart break. He had no idea what had brought this on, but whatever it had been, it had been serious. And, Frank thought, miserably, it could have been any number of things that had brought it on, caused her such pain.
She wore her mask of bravery well, but even the strongest had to eventually fall. But not Callie, he begged himself. Not my Callie. I will NOT let her suffer any more.
Finally, Callie calmed down and became quiet. She looked like she could barely keep her eyes open, as if she had almost cried herself to sleep. Still, she was functioning, slowly.
Without saying a word, Frank released her with one arm and stood up, holding onto her the whole time with the other. He wasn't surprised when she almost collapsed; he had been expecting it. Rather, he scooped her up in his arms and was about to place her on the bed when he decided to hold her up for a moment longer. She was so petite and delicate, and he used to love teasing her and picking her up just to be affectionately annoying to her. He realized with a pang that the last time her had held her like this, above the bed, had been so joyous; the night she had agreed to marry him, and make him the happiest person in the world. Why did things have to change? he asked himself, fighting to hold off tears.
Gently, he did place her down, and immediately got into bed next to her. She was a little more cognizant, and managed to say, softly, "Frank?"
Frank turned off the lights, and reached for Callie. "I'm here baby," he whispered softly.
He felt her hold tightly to him, and he kissed the top of her head softly and rubbed her back in comfort. He didn't think he could hold her any more tightly without hurting her and he was filled with an overwhelming desire to protect her. "Do you want to talk about it?" he whispered.
"I can't," Callie whispered back. She wished beyond anything that she could have stayed strong for him, not let him have seen her like this. Yet, at the same time, the horrible ordeal she had been through, with Joe, Nash and Jenkins in the woods, and then with Jenkins in the room, left her needing Frank more than ever as she felt completely vulnerable. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be," he managed, feeling the tears burn his eyes again. "I'm sorry, too."
Callie soon feel asleep, clinging to him, using his chest as a pillow and his arms as a blanket, and Frank felt a little better, knowing he could protect her, at least for this moment.
And, as much as he wanted NOT to think about it, his mind kept flashing back to Callie's words, "No! Joe!"
And Joe's words. "It was real? You did kiss me?"
And the video.
And as the doubts came surging towards him, he allowed the tears to fall, not sure if he loved Callie or hated himself more.
