This time I updated this fic first.

You'll get to know Meredith's decision... it will a tough road.

This chapter is really emotional, for everybody.

Hope this time the flashbacks won't bother any of you


Meredith blinked several times, brooding on Richard's words.

"And as your friend and Derek's friend, Meredith, I beg you not to go"

She kept repeating that sentence to get the meaning, the deeper meaning if there was one. But she couldn't find any.

She brushed some tear away with the back of her hand, her fingers were shaky and cold and she sniffled, trying to get composure back. But it wasn't working, on the contrary, everything was getting worse.

Anger was devouring her, it was flaming her soul and last thing she wanted was to snap at Webber. But she couldn't keep it inside anymore.

"I don't understand..." she muttered quietly, her eyes locked with Richard's.

"There's nothing to understand, Meredith" Webber sighed "just don't go there"

"Why shouldn't I?" she asked, choking back a sob "I just..." she closed her eyes when the sentence died in her throat, more tears spilled out and she looked away, trying to slow her breath.

"It wouldn't serve anything, Meredith" Richard added, trying to sound confident and calm. "Dunn can't tell you anything. And you should just go and sit with Derek. He's gonna need every support we can give him"

Meredith was just staring at him and Richard, for the first time he knew her, couldn't read anything in her gaze. Meredith was an open book for him, he had known her since she was a kid, a beautiful little girl playing around the hospital. Whose eyes were big and innocent and talked of solitude and loneliness, but also of affection and warmness. Those eyes had lightened up in wonder the day she had first visited the hospital and the ORs, the day she had first scrubbed in. Or probably the light was not just for that, probably it was for the mysterious guy she had known and fallen for. The light was for Derek and it had switched off the day Addison had showed up and screwed their plans and relationship, the day Derek had decided to follow an obligation and not his heart. The hurt and deception had stitched on Meredith's face like a second skin and nothing had been enough to excite her anymore: not her job, not surgery. Everything had become an empty routine she fulfilled diligently but without emotion. Then the roaring days of the clinical trial had come and everything had changed. For worse at the beginning. Apathy had left place to bitterness and aggressiveness and then, magically, out of nowhere, to a blinding happy ending.

Meredith's eyes had told him all of that and now... now Richard couldn't work it out. A part of him was sure she wanted to meet Dunn badly, to know, to try to understand, to beat herself up. Meredith felt guilty and somehow wanted to pay, she wanted to offer herself up. She somehow thought that she owned the truth to Derek's mother and family and, if to get it she needed to face the devil, she was more than ready to go. It was the part he needed to fight now as, he knew, Meredith couldn't find anything from Dunn, just more torture and pain.

He took a deep breath and focused, trying to establish a contact with her, trying to dissipate the haze fogging her brain.

"Meredith..." he stretched a hand on the table and gripped her fingers; the sudden contact startled her and she looked down to their joined limbs "I know that you feel somehow guilty for what happened..." she raised her eyes and Richard swallowed to keep his voice steady "but you need to let it go"

"How can I let it go?" she breathed out, biting back a whimper. "Everything is my fault"

"It's not true" Richard argued, squeezing her hand tighter. "You're not responsible of any of this"

"I gave him credit... I gave him confidence"

"You were just trying to do your job" Webber tried to reason. But, deep inside, he knew it wouldn't serve; the case had slipped out of control, on all levels, and now it was too late to pick up the pieces and forget about what had happened. They had tried a couple of days before; he had tried to cover up Bailey's incursion in Shepherd's Or, he had tried to minimize Meredith's insubordination. He had as nothing looked to matter anymore. Dunn was going to leave and Jackson had finally survived, there was no sense in straining relationships further adopting disciplinary actions. Now... now everything had been upset again and the real extent of that mess had produced its devastating outcome. It was evident and pretty clear Meredith had nothing to feel guilty for. Dunn was a monster and there was no way she had caused directly what had happened to Derek. But Richard was sure convincing Meredith would be a hill almost impossible to climb.

She was chewing her bottom lip nervously, probably still contemplating Richard's last sentence. Suddenly she retrieved her hand and cast her eyes down, fidgeting with her clock.

"What I did had nothing to do with my job and you know it. Derek complained about it and you didn't suspend me just to keep it quiet"

"It's not true" Richard said gently but Meredith snapped.

"It is..." her eyes narrowed in anger and Webber silenced "Dr. Shepherd asked me off the case... and that was why I wasn't practicing medicine in the right way. I had let my judgment... my moral ideas cloud everything and this is nothing but professional" she added, her voice shaking. Richard felt they were ending up discussing the same dilemma all over again. Despite the topic was very difficult to face, despite there was no solution, despite the fact surely Meredith's behavior had pissed Derek off, she had nothing to do with Dunn almost killing him. She could reproach herself the naivety, she could reproach herself the superficiality to spill dark secrets to a patient, but nothing more. Beating herself up was certainly an empty exercise and letting Dunn use this guilt could be devastating.

"Ok, Meredith..." Richard indulged her "probably you didn't manage the case in the correct way. And this is my fault too" she opened her mouth to speak but Webber cut her out "but you can really put on your shoulders what Dunn did"

The Chief watched silent tears streaming down Meredith's face. Her eyes were resting on the wall and he hoped she would accept part of his forgiveness. But when her green eyes met his, he felt like a train was running into him.

"Maybe not..." she acknowledged quietly " but I gave him the chance to mess around, I created the chance, chief. Nobody can really deny this"

"I do, Meredith" he breathed out "you're just torturing yourself"

"I told Dunn Derek's father was killed!" she yelled, unable to take Webber's defense anymore. Richard recoiled against the backrest, what she had just said was no news, still it hurt "I told Dunn... and he used the information. You have no idea what pressure he put on him... what he forced Derek to say. It was horrible and I did it" she said, trying to swallow new sobs and tears. Remembering those moments had torn her heart the same way living them had done in the first place.

Richard lowered his eyes. He could picture even now Derek's exhausted face and the words they had shared during his brief release. Dunn had really sucked out his barest secrets, he had threatened Meredith and Cristina and reduced Derek to blind obedience. He had used his soft spots, carved a hole in each of them. Shepherd's heart had been damaged long before the knife literally cut into it and Richard started to understand for the first time the real dimension of the shock Derek had lived and experienced. Only the psychological side of the matter would be enough to knock down a bear. Yet, paradoxically, none of them had stopped and considered it.

A wave of anger twisted Richard's stomach. He hated to know someone had possibly helped Dunn and was walking around free, respected and above suspicion. This guy was, if possible, even more cruel than the serial killer as he had knowingly fed him innocent people to harm and hurt. Who could do something like that? Why?

Meredith had probably made mistakes; but if Falks and Derek were right, nothing could have changed the epilogue of this story. Dunn had been set in there to damage and it didn't matter what Meredith had said or not, he would have damaged anyway.

"There are so many things you don't know, Meredith" Richard whispered, trying to find a way to drop the news of the possible mole " if you did know, you wouldn't be so hard with yourself"

"What do you mean?" she asked, confused and somehow scared to know the things Webber was mentioning. Richard looked to her sighing and then his eyes moved to Hunt. He hadn't said a word since the others had left, he had stayed there, sit on a bench in complete silence, following the chief's speech and ready to jump in. He didn't say anything and Webber took in a deep breath.

"Falks thinks... And Derek thought too... That there could be someone who helped Dunn, who really gave him the chance to make all this"

"What?" Meredith asked, thunderstruck.

"There are a lot of details which don't catch up" Richard said quietly.

"And the was a knife in the room, Meredith" Owen added, flinching for his own sharpness "it's impossible it ended up in there casually..." he stopped talking noticing Meredith's face growing paler " someone predetermined this... You were just..." he shook his head trying to find the right word, but nothing came to his brain. He just stopped trying and cast his eyes down, silence impregnating the room once again.


Mrs. Shepherd didn't know the hospital very well. She had just spent there one day, killing the time waiting to meet his son, waiting to have lunch with him and Meredith, trying to prepare herself to part from a very special and unique object: her engagement ring.

She wasn't a material woman, at all. But that little jewel had marked her life, it had made her mrs. Shepherd. And even if her husband had told her from the very beginning the ring was meant to pass from father to son, she hadn't been ready to give it away when Derek had proposed to Addison. For a lot of reasons.

So that day she had wandered through the hallways trying to know the place Derek worked in, trying to understand if he was loved as he was in New York, trying to know his new friends and colleagues. She had been satisfied in the end. Dr. Shepherd was respected and appreciated and so was Meredith Grey. The girl was shy and difficult to track down, but Caroline knew every woman feared to know her possible mother in law. Especially with a heavy backpack of nasty nicknames as home wrecker, slutty intern, light head. This bad reputation has preceded her and Caroline had realized, today as the previous week, that Meredith was nothing like that. She loved her son, it was clear just by the way she looked at him. She wasn't used to have family around, not Derek's and, worse than that, hers either. Derek had warned her not to deepen the topic and Caroline hadn't. And, despite the sensation she had raised in Derek and Meredith, she hadn't judged her. She was the last person on earth who could do it and, deep down, Caroline knew it took a great strength to grow up alone and to take care of oneself. She hadn't underestimated Meredith for this, on the contrary. She had just felt bad when she had assisted to her outburst. A few times she had heard someone talking so bad and low of her own person. The cheap idea Meredith had of herself had probably been fed by Nancy and all the people who had blamed her for Derek's busted marriage. The girl needed affection and stability and Caroline had felt it was time to welcome the new mrs. Shepherd in the family. And she had... Meredith was really part of the family now. Derek loved her, he truly did. He had been ready to trade his life for her and Caroline knew they both would need support now. Derek but... Meredith as well.

She rounded the corner of the corridor, a kind nurse had given her instructions to the ICU. She had even offered to lead her but Caroline had refused. She really needed some minute by herself before seeing Derek.

The last few hours had been a nightmare and her head was exploding.

The tablets she always kept in her wallet had proved ineffectual this time, she needed a lot more than paracetamol to get rid of the headache which was pulsing in her brain. She fumbled in her bag and found a towel, she quickly passed it on her face to freshen up a bit.

The sensation was good and she felt ready to face one of the most shocking experience of her life. Seeing her son in a hospital bed.

Derek had been healthy all his life; apart from the unlucky experience with his bike, he had never spent a day in the hospital as a patient. He took care of himself and Caroline couldn't remember a flu or a fever, a cold, anything... All her kids were sound, her daughters had cashed days in the maternity departments but they were rocks too, Caroline herself held on fine, she was over her 70s but she didn't feel it. It looked like fate had forgotten about the Shepherd family after claiming her husband's life.

Till now.

Caroline threw the towel into a bin and breathed out. She felt several eyes on her person but ignored it. Everybody was sorry and worried for Derek, she could feel it, they wanted to help and be supportive and she was grateful. But at the moment the only thing she wanted, and feared at the same time, was seeing her son.

She reached the room, 1203. Karma, she smiled, it was the first part of Derek's birth date. December, 3. The good memory was still crossing her mind when she pushed the door open and was projected into a parallel and awful dimension.

The smell of treatments and hospital aggressed her nostrils. She had been a nurse for years but it still bothered her. Noises of monitors and equipment hammered her ears and she felt dizzy. She closed her eyes for a second to settle emotions down. Her eyes flickered open when a strong hand stroked her shoulder. Usually it was Derek who cuddled her like that. Even he was a grown up man, even if his sisters mocked him to exhaustion, he was a huggy guy. He had inherited even this trait from Michael. When he was home, every time he passed by he leaned in to kiss her cheek, to hug her, to hold her hand. It didn't matter if Addison was there, Derek had never been cheap with his emotions and attentions to his mother. He had somehow felt Caroline needed it... and she did.

Only his presence and features sometimes disturbed her. He was so similar to his father and he didn't realize... It was like having a clone of her husband walking around the house. It was wonderful, but, some days, a few days, it hurt. It just hurt as she closed her eyes and remembered the times they had just married, they were younger and passionate and in love. Derek was the spitting image of her Michael, his traits were only a little bit smoother, he was more handsome, but the similarity was so shocking that sometimes she had to blink to realize this was not her husband but her son. She had even lost it one day, but she hadn't had the courage to explain Derek the real reason of her outburst. She had blamed his disorganization and he had apologized, not realizing the real wrong was somewhere else, it was his face, his eyes, his nose. Caroline had felt so bad she had locked up in her room and cried all night long.

She had never apologized for that day and Derek had never mentioned it again. His sisters did talk about it though. They recalled it Mummy kicked Derbear's ass day and they still joked on it. They were still convinced, 40 years old, that Derek was her favorite and gloated when it was his turn to take the scolds. The occasions had been really few, Caroline could count them on one hand. But it was not as he was the favorite, it was because he was and had always been far more responsible than them, far more sensitive, far more fair and, unluckily for him, far more naive.

Despite all the pain this had brought on him, Caroline wouldn't change anything of her son. Even now... Even now his generosity had led him on the thin line between living and dying, she wouldn't. This was who he was, this was him and she had to choke back a sob taking in the image of his strong, cheerful, dynamic son lying in a bed unconscious.

"It's fine, Caroline..." Mark whispered in her ear, his own voice shaking "Let it out"

A few tears rolled down her cheek and Caroline brushed them away, she shook Mark's hand off her shoulder gently and walked towards the bed, sitting beside Derek.

With all the things she had heard, she had somehow convinced his face would be battered and bruised as well but, to her surprise, it wasn't. She caressed his cheek with shaking fingers.

"It looks like he's sleeping..." she whispered, unable to force more voice out of her lungs.

"Yeah..." Mark said, lowering his eyes. He felt out of place in that room with Caroline and her son, he was supposed to leave them alone but didn't want to do it before being sure she was fine.

"But he's not" she said, brushing away more tears, her hand still caressing Derek's face.

"No" was all that Mark could master to say. He cleared his throat to undo the tight knot closing it up "I'm sorry I didn't join you in the conference room, Caroline... I just wanted to sit here... With him"

"It's fine, Mark" she said smiling to him "it was more important not to leave him alone, there were plenty of us in that room and... I guess you already knew everything" she turned her attention to Derek, her fingers leaving his face and landing on his hand, limp and cold. Her heart squeezed when she realized it was broken. Apparently the bruises and cuts were part of the speech she had skipped.

"I didn't want to know" Mark's voice reached her and Caroline turned around sighing. She didn't remember seeing Mark in this state before, not the day his parents had died, not the day Michael had died, not the day he had destroyed Derek's marriage. He was lost and weak and it hurt her seeing him like that and not being able to help. She abandoned Derek's hand and stood, approaching him. Her hands landed on his arms, he was too tall for her to reach his shoulders. How could the skinny kid she remembered grow up so much... It was impossible to understand.

"Mark..." she said patting his cheek "I know the feeling. I left the room before Webber was done. I didn't want to know everything... It doesn't matter to me. What matters now is that Derek needs us... Me, you, Meredith, everyone"

"I know" he whispered, his eyes darting across the room towards the bed. Caroline caressed his cheek when he sniffled, trying to control his emotions.

"You must be exhausted. Just go and find Lexie and take a nap, Mark. I'll sit here for a while"

"I don't want to leave you alone"

"I'm not alone... I'm with Derek" she patted his face again "we need to take turns, Mark. You can't think you can stay here for days without sleeping and eating and drinking"

"I'm going to remind you this in some hour" he said smiling.

"You will... But unlike you I can play the senile card. Just go now... Lexie must be dead worried too"

Mark nodded, rubbing his face and eyes. He had impossibly forgotten about Lexie, he didn't even know where to find her and Caroline was right, he needed to do it. He looked to Derek for the last time and then breathed out.

"Promise you'll call me if you need anything"

"I'll do it... Just go now"

She turned around and sat near the bed again. The noise of the chair squeaking under her weight mixed with the noise of the door closing quietly behind Mark's back. Caroline picked up Derek's hand gently and kissed it, her eyes moving around the room.

"Hey..." she greeted her son like it was the first time she sat there. It wasn't, but Caroline hadn't felt to talk to him while Mark was there. "We are alone, Derek" her eyes searched his face for a movement, a wink, a grin, something of what made Derek the guy he was. But nothing happened, his eyes stayed close and his face perfectly still. " I see you have a fancy room, sweetheart" she said examining the room. It was really special treatment. She remembered the rooms her daughters had spent their recoveries in. They were spacious but nothing compared to this one. And usually maternity had the most comfortable accommodations. Patients were supposed to receive a lot of visits, loud relatives and friends willing to welcome the new born. ICU was supposed to be rest and peace. Derek's room though could contain twenty people without problem. There was a wide and inviting couch on the left of the bed, against the wall, and a small group of leather chairs. They looked comfortable, not the back breaking chairs Caroline had spent her daughters' labors on. There was a small table with a lump on, some magazine and a button which, Caroline supposed, served to call nurses in case she needed something. Someone had even left a bottle of water and a couple of glasses. As regards Derek, there was a mass of machines behind and beside his bed. The button which usually served to call the assisting nurse was still twisted around the back of the bed, his nightstand was empty.

Caroline stared to his son more carefully, she passed her hand in his hair and forehead and sensed dried sweat. With the coldness radiating from Derek's skin, the feeling almost knocked her down. It was evident Derek's colleagues had washed what they needed to practice surgery and left the rest for the nurses to do. Caroline hated the idea of a nurse touching her son, of a nurse washing her son. Even if she had been a nurse herself and she knew the devotion and dedication they put into their job, she couldn't stomach the idea. Derek would hate that. He would hate to depend on other people, not to be able to take care of his own body. But above all he was a doctor here and he would hate to have his staff touching him. Even if they were not staff now, they had been before, he had been working with them for years, giving them orders and probably reproaches, he could be back working with them in the future, no way he would feel at ease having them bathing him with a sponge. Even if, for now, he wouldn't realize anything.

"Why don't we freshen up a bit? Meredith is going to be here soon... I guess you want to be pretty when she does..." Caroline said. She knew talking to Derek was probably useless, but it made her feel better. She entered the door in the right corner of the room and found herself in the bathroom. There was a large shower with a sit, a toilet and even a bidet. A giant mirror hanged on the sink but there was no sign of what she was looking for. She sighed and walked out, closing the door behind her back. She approached the buzzer she had spotted minutes before and pressed the button. She hadn't even the time to go back and sit that a nurse appeared on the door.

"Did you call, madam?" the nurse asked without stepping in. She was a middle aged woman, with a friendly face, Caroline remembered she had seen her in her previous visit.

"Yes..." she answered politely "I went to the toilet to look for a basin and a sponge but I didn't find any... Could you please bring me one?"

"Oh..." the nurse answered a little bit surprised "of course but... I was going to come later for this..."

"I know. But I don't mind doing it personally. Is it a problem?"

"At all, madam. I'll go and take it immediately" the nurse closed the door and Caroline sat on the chair, breathing in and out. Her calm was short as the nurse entered the room again, carrying all Caroline had asked for. Katherine, that was the name Caroline read on her tag, approached her smiling, setting the basin on the nightstand and pulling out the sponge, a bottle containing a mild detergent and a little tube of cream.

"I'll go and fill it with warm water..." she said gently walking into the toilet, silent and quick. Caroline heard the water flash into the sink and seconds later Katherine reappeared. "Here..." she murmured setting down the recipient. She took the detergent and pulled the cup off, reversing a small quantity of liquid into the water. She touched the surface and nodded, apparently happy of the temperature. "Are you sure you don't want me to help, mrs. Shepherd?"

Caroline looked into her eyes and was content to see concern and sympathy. But no, she couldn't let her help. She stood and shook her head.

"No, Katherine, thank you but I'll do it by myself"

"Ok... Just call me if you need to... move him... I'm here to help"

"I know... I will"

She took the sponge and squeezed it. It was soft and warm and Katherine got it was the moment to leave. She walked towards the door but stopped, her hand already on the doorknob.

"Mrs. shepherd?"

"Yeah?" the old woman asked, turning around and facing her.

"We're all sorry for what happened to dr. Shepherd. We hope... We know he'll jump out of there quickly. I just wanted to tell you we're here to help... Anything you may need"

"I know... Thank you"

Caroline smiled and the nurse left, closing the door.

Mrs Shepherd dropped her hand in the warm water to wet the sponge and prepared for the pitiful task she was going to fulfill.


"I don't understand..." Meredith muttered after what looked like forever. She searched Owen's eyes when Webber adamantly refused to hold her stare. "You said the police couldn't get anything out of him"

"It's true" Owen confirmed, feeling anger bubbling up in his heart.

"And you say they suspect he had someone... someone helping him"

"Yes" he breathed out, somehow bracing for what Meredith was going to say.

"What will they do to know if for sure?"

The question was so simple and banal that Owen hated himself for not being able to answer. Better... He hated himself for the answer he was going to give.

"I guess they'll try to question him again in the next few hours, Meredith. But Falks is not so optimist about it, Dunn has his rights and he is the damned convinced to use them till the end"

"So why are you willing to keep me out?"

Her words came out like a breath, yet they felt like a slap to all of them. Meredith's thinking was logic, crystal clear, it was watertight. Dunn had backed them into a corner and, everything they decided, he had won.

The mere realization pushed Owen standing and he started pacing in the room frantically. Webber sensed something had snapped in him and focused back on Meredith.

"As we don't think William would talk to you, Meredith"

"He said he would" she tried to argue, but her voice was weak. It was evident she feared the idea of going and meeting him.

"He said a lot of things... And if there's one thing I got to learn about him, is that he's a manipulator. He tries to push the situations to the limits. But nothing good ever comes out, Meredith. What do you think he would tell you?" Richard asked her gently, trying to break the wall she had built in self-defense.

The truth was that Meredith didn't know what he would tell her. She had a list of things she wanted to know and a list of things she dreaded to know. She just needed to decide if the need to discover the first was enough to face the risk to fall into the second. It was a blind alley, even now they were just discussing about it.

"Meredith..." Richard prompted her but stopped realizing she was crying again.

"I..." she swallowed to catch her breath "I just want to know why..." she said abandoning to tears again. Owen stopped in front of her and touched her shoulder gently.

"What if sometimes there is no reason?" he asked quietly, his eyes meeting hers. "Do you really think there was a reason for this, Meredith?" he took in a deep breath and knelt to lock eyes with her "do you really think Derek denied his rights and treated him badly?"

"No" she managed to say through new sobs.

"Do you think Dunn hated Derek for something he had said or done?"

"No" she shook her head.

"So you have nothing you need to know from him" he said straightening up, raking a hand in his hair.

"Dunn is a black hole, Meredith" Richard cut into the conversation "he probably wants to have a last word with you..."

She looked away, overwhelmed by all the information and the doubts filling her head. Probably they were right, Dunn just wanted to meet her for the last time to have a proper closure. And to prove his victory. She really wasn't sure she could stand to be in the same room as him, not after the violence he had used on her, on them, not after seeing Derek badly hurt on a stretcher.

But had she a chance after all? If Richard and Owen were saying the truth, and she had no doubt to believe it, there was an annex importance to arrange this meeting. The police wanted to dig in truth and, they liked it or not, the truth could only come from Dunn.

They had pushed her to do things before, to remember and help during the siege, they just couldn't ask her to back off now.

"I think I'm going" she muttered standing. The chair scraped the floor and the little noise produced the effect of a hurricane in the room.

Meredith's eyes were down on the table, her fingers were drawing imaginary circles on the surface and she really couldn't meet anyone's stare. She was scared she would change her mind if she did, she was scared Owen and Richard would try to dissuade her and she wasn't sure she would resist in her determination if they did.

"Going where?" Owen asked in disbelief. Meredith felt his impending figure over her and sighed. Apparently, unlike Webber, he had perfectly understood her intentions.

"To meet him" she said quietly but firmly.

"What?" Richard blurted out, stunned.

"Have you listened to what we've been telling you, Meredith?" Hunt's voice betrayed his irritation and surprise.

"I have..." she said looking up. She wasn't crying anymore, Owen could detect a strange decision in her glare. It wasn't teary and erratic anymore. Apparently Meredith had found her balance and peace with this decision. "I have and I get your concerns. But I need to do it"

She ignored Richard's almost desperate sigh and walked to the door. She didn't even know where she was supposed to go. But she would find the place eventually. She took the doorknob and pulled, a ray of light beamed through the little opening and reflected on her legs. It was a stupid thing... but Meredith found it relaxing and revitalizing. The effect died though when the door closed violently with a thud. She looked up confused and saw Owen's palm splayed above her head. He had shut the door and she turned around to face him.

"Owen..."

"No. You're not going anywhere near that man"

"Just let me go" she tried to open the door again but Hunt was twice her size and she couldn't compete with his strength. Her patience flew out of the window. "Damn it, Hunt... Just let me go!"

"No!"

"You told me what you think but the choice is not on you" she spat, raising her voice "now you'll let me go as I want to see him, I want to look into his eyes and prove him I'm not a coward. I want to hear from his mouth what he's got to say"

"No" Owen repeated, his voice a little more broken. Meredith sensed his weakness and tried to push him out of her way. He reacted, unexpectedly.

"Hunt... If you just don't move I..."

"I won't move, Meredith. I promised Derek I would keep you away from Dunn and... It may be the last thing I do but... I'll keep that promise"

Meredith's knees buckled and she had to lean against the door to keep standing. Owen realized her knees were giving out and clutched her arm, trying to balance her. A thick silence fell in the room again, disturbed only by her ragged and shallow breathing. This last piece of information had really upset her, Hunt could see it, and he felt bad. He hadn't planned to tell Meredith this, he hadn't planned to use Derek's request to convince her. Somehow he had fooled himself Meredith would follow their suggestion and, in his opinion, common sense. Who would want to meet a man who had almost killed your boyfriend with his own hands? Who would want to do this? Apparently he had underestimated the situation again.

"Meredith..."

She pulled her arm out of his grip and sank back on the chair, hiding her eyes. Now she got Owen's further motivation to stop her, she did. But it didn't feel enough anyway.

"Just don't say anything, please" she said, fighting tears again. Hunt looked to Richard and read his own feelings on his face. Probably dropping that sentence hadn't been the best idea ever, but it had slipped out of his mouth, the last chance he had seen, the last hope. He sat beside Meredith and stroked her shoulder blades, trying to relax her.

"I didn't mean to upset you" he said quietly.

"I know" she hiccupped raising her eyes to meet his "it's just..." she closed her eyes and sobbed, not able to control her emotions anymore. She had kept it together up to now, she had been strong and in control up to now, but the pressure had become suddenly too much. She felt the need to cry, she felt the need to take her grieve out of her chest, possibly a mile away from mrs. Shepherd and all the clan. She closed her eyes when her face landed on Owen's shoulder and she gave everything out, enveloped in a warm and safe embrace.

She straightened up and sniffled, brushing tears away and trying to dry her cheeks, she had to look awful and she needed to get a shade of self-composure back.

"I hadn't planned to tell you this, Meredith. I'm sorry but you left me no choice" Hunt muttered, his hands had dropped on his lap, idle and useless.

"It doesn't change anything anyway" she whispered ready to stand again.

"What?" Owen stuttered, his face painting in surprise.

"Derek... He has always wanted me far from him... But I guess he wasn't imagining any of this and... He'd understand now... He would not be happy but he would understand"

"No" Hunt snapped making her flinch. "This is nothing like this" he said through gritted teeth.

"And how is it?" she retorted just as sharp. Owen backed against his chair, ready for the next assault "as it looks to me like there are many things you're hiding from me"

"We are not" Richard breathed out, fearing the direction the conversation was taking.

"So what? You've decided on my behalf and you're trying to make me be fine with it but I'm not. If you think that using Derek's..."

"Using Derek?" Owen shrieked slamming a hand on the table. Meredith silenced immediately, her eyes narrowing in shock. "Do you think I'd make up fake messages to convince you not to do something?"

"I..." Meredith stammered on her words, she had chosen the wrong thing to say, wrong on all levels.

"I'm just trying to help! Do you think delivering you this message is making me feel good?"

Owen asked, tension and almost despair lingering in his words. Meredith knew he and Derek had bound in the last few weeks, they hanged off often and the last events had surely impacted on Owen, pretty hard. His Adam apple rolled in his throat and Meredith shivered sensing the gravity of what he was going to say. His face had paled. His lip was quivering, it was the first time she saw him like this. Even the night he had almost choked Cristina he looked more in control than this.

"You think it was something he told me before, Meredith... before entering that room..."

"Hunt..." Richard warned him.

"No" he cut him off, shaking his head "I've probably made wrong choices in this situation, I've probably screwed up... But I won't do it again, Webber, not with this" he bent forward, his knees supporting his elbows, he swallowed and locked eyes with Meredith "it was not something he asked me before joining you. Derek knew he was putting his life on a line, Meredith, but he didn't ask me then"

"When?" she asked, her voice barely audible. If Owen hadn't been sitting one span from her face, he wouldn't have heard her voice.

"It was right before we moved him to the CT..." Hunt said in a whisper, his voice strangled by a mixture of emotion and regret "I was finishing to prep him and we realized he wanted to tell us something... He was so weak I was scared he would die trying to communicate with us" he looked up and then diverted his eyes seeing fat tears falling from Meredith's eyes "but he forced himself... his body to push out these few words. It was so important, Meredith... so important he risked his life to do it. Please don't throw it away" he almost pleaded, hoping to affect her.


Caroline had just finished to take care of Derek.

She had set the basin back into the toilet and rinsed it quickly.

She dried her hands with a towel and then tossed it onto the floor, the nurse would pick it up later and set new ones for the following day.

She switched off the light and went back into the room, a tight knot was oppressing her chest and she gasped trying to breathe.

Sponge bathing her son had taken much more than expected from her and she felt exhausted, worn out.

It was not a physical sensation, weariness. Caroline hadn't dared to move Derek, she hadn't even dared to pass near the multitude of tubes and catheters. Last thing she wanted was accidentally mess something up. It had been the moral side hitting her hard.

She hadn't looked after Derek's bath since he was five, six years old. He had then insisted he had grown enough to do it by himself and she had backed off under her husband's amused look. Little Derek had opened his eyes wide and used all the influence his cerulean irises could produce. He had set his tiny hands on his hips and faced his parents. His warm and fervent speech had, to tell the truth, been unnecessary. Caroline had melted at the first pout. And Michael had been announcing her that moment for ages.

"Do you think Derek will accept to bath with his sisters for long, honey?" her husband had winked at her. He was still a kid but his older sisters were already teen agers, blossoming women and Michael had picked up embarrassing speeches about boobs and make up. Little Derek was tired to be tossed apart, to be locked out of the bathroom or to have nosy and noisy girls in the same room while he was showering or brushing his teeth.

So Michael, a couple of years later, had rewarded his son's patience with the best gift ever: a private bathroom in his private room.

The ages of promiscuity and communitarian baths in the tube had ceased to exist and Caroline had started to regret them quickly. She liked to have five pairs of eyes looking up to her from bubbles. She liked the games, the toys, the jokes. She liked the family moments. She still remembered the day Michael and her had brought Derek home from the hospital. She remembered how the three older sisters were curious about the little bundle of rosy skin. They were excited and motherly, they treated him like a doll and had insisted to take part to his very first bath.

"And I told you it's too cold!" Nancy's high pitched voice echoed in the bathroom and Caroline rolled her eyes. She was undressing her three weeks old son in a bathroom staffed of people and noise, not really the ideal surrounding for the first baby bath. "Dad, say something to Cat!" she shrieked again and this time Michael Shepherd decided to intervene.

"Ok, girls" he said kissing his wife's temple and approaching the little bowl his daughters were arguing about. He caressed all their heads tenderly and rolled his sleeves, ready to check the little fish thermometer floating in the water. He picked it up and smiled, opening the faucet again "the temperature is fine, Nancy"

"I told you!" Catherine said showing her tongue.

"But…" Michael cut in "we need to warm it up a little bit as mom is not ready yet. Are you?" he asked, winking to his wife.

"No… as our little boy is restless with these tiny feet. Aren't' you, baby boy?" she said smiling and lifting Derek up. Her son was a healthy baby, 9.2 pounds at birth, gloriously 13.5 after three weeks. He was soft and chubby and always smiling. He had a thick mane of black, curly hair and big blue eyes. All her kids had blue eyes and the nurse had promised her even Derek's would keep that color. Something which made her husband really proud of himself and his offspring. Caroline finally stripped Derek out of his turquoise romper suit, she lowered the diaper and tapped his tiny bottom, her heart melting feeling his little hands closing around her fingers and seeing his toothless smile.

"We're ready!" she finally announced, lifting Derek and bringing him towards the rest of the family and the bowel. She started to lower him and giggled registering the curios expression Derek had painted on his face. He was moving his legs and arms frantically, probably surprised not to meet ground or anything beneath him. He wailed when his body touched water and stilled, trying to adapt to the new substance surrounding him. His toes poked out of the surface and his eyes were hypnotized by the sight. Lizzie took a sponge from the fluffy basket resting beside the bowel and stretched her hand towards her baby brother, waving it in front of him and somehow expecting he would take it. She snorted, annoyed, when he didn't.

"Why isn't he taking it?" she blurted out, pouting.

"As he's too little, sweetie" her father told her gently, kissing the top of her head. "We need to bath him… do you want to do it?" he asked, plunging the sponge in the water to wet it. He lifted and squeezed it and then handled it to his younger daughter.

"But… it's boring…" Lizzie protested, crossing her arms across her chest "I don't want to do it"

"Fine…" Michael said sweetly, not bothered at all. He turned towards Catherine and Nancy and arched his brow. "No volunteer here?"

"Me!" the two girls shrieked at the same time, jumping to grab the sponge and nearly toppling the bowel over. Their father was quick enough to steady the basin and just a little water spilled out. Caroline sent them a deathly glare and Michael got the hint. He looked down to his son who was swimming happily and hadn't even realized the risk.

"What if Catherine baths him and you, Nancy, get to dry his hair and rub oil?" he offered quietly, meeting their immediate enthusiasm. Catherine grabbed the sponge and Michael smiled, locking eyes with his wife, noticing her hand was trembling.

"Don't worry, sweetie. He's not breakable. Come on… rinse the sponge and run it gently on him"

Catherine followed his instructions, she giggled when the sponge touched his brother's belly and he squeaked, moving his tiny arms to catch it.

"He likes it!" she said enthusiastically, plunging the sponge again and continuing the job with more confidence.

"Derek is like my doll, mommy…" Lizzie said staring down to his baby brother "he doesn't talk and doesn't move by himself"

"That's because he's too little, honey. Just give him some month and he'll start to creep around the house" Caroline said smiling. The cheerfulness died when Lizzie asked the following question.

"My doll doesn't have that" she muttered, furrowing her forehead, her finger pointing to her brother's body.

"Doesn't have what?" Michael stuttered, fearing the answer. He had planned to face this kind of issues somewhere in the future, but, seriously, not at that moment.

"That stick between his legs… what is it, dad?" she asked innocently, her eyes narrowing in curiosity, in the usual Lizzie's wants to know way. Despite the young age, she was a very careful and observing little girl. Too much, for her father's liking. He looked to his wife pleadingly and she smiled, coming in help.

"You know, sweetie…" she said lifting Derek from the water. Nancy was quickly by her side wrapping a soft little bathrobe around her brother "little boys are different from little girls"

"Why?" Lizzie enquired, restless.

"As boys have things you don't… and the other way back"

"But why?" Lizzie pouted, patting her foot impatiently.

"As this is how life is. And you'll get the answers when it's time" Caroline added, setting Derek on the changing table.

"Twenty five years for now I hope" Michael whispered in his wife's ear, raising her giggle.

Caroline adjusted Derek and then moved aside, leaving Nancy and Catherine room to approach and take care of their brother. She leaned backward, her back adjusted against her husband's chest and she smiled when his arms enveloped her.

"Thank you for before… you had my bacon saved…" he whispered in her ear, massaging her shoulders.

"You're welcome… I really wasn't expecting this question so early…"

"Oh… that was an understatement" he giggled and looked to the amazing scene displaying in front of them. "Do you think that was a good idea?"

"What?" Caroline asked turning around and facing him.

"That…" Michael answered arching his brow and glaring to the three girls drying and combing Derek.

"Yes…" Caroline smiled "our worries were out of place, Michael. He has them all around his little finger…" she added, giggling seeing Derek kicking up his heels and trying to catch everything passing over his head.

"He's just so good…" Michael said tenderly. "He sleeps, he eats, he's always happy. I'm scared they're gonna scare him to death in some year…" he added breathing out. Caroline turned around and circled his waist with both hands.

"Usually mothers are worried and protective over sons, Michael" she said tilting her head to the side, mocking him.

"I know…" he bent forward to kiss her "and I can see you're actually dying as they stole your mother to son special moment" he winked, tickling her side and making her laugh. He hugged her tight and kissed her cheek, sending a look to check everything was under control on the changing table.

"They grow up so fast…" Caroline sighed "and in no time Derek will kick me out during his bath time"

"Probably he will but…" he swallowed and Caroline felt him tensing. She backed away slightly and locked eyes with him, her heart swelling getting the meaning of his ragged breath and sparkling eyes.

"Would you still go for the fifth?" she asked in disbelief and smiled when he shrugged. "I thought the little basket team was just an excuse to get a male Shepherd…" she said winking.

"No… or maybe it was but… our kids are the cutest ever, Caroline. And we improve with the practice" he added low in her ear. She giggled and patted his shoulder.

"Let's go rescue that poor baby now"

Many baths had followed, but Derek's sisters had declared the copy right of that special moment and Caroline had abdicated. She could count on her hands the times she had enjoyed the moment by herself. And the realization the sequence was going to restart now made her sick to her stomach.

She sank on the chair brushing some tear away, she grabbed Derek's hand and squeezed it, tight. His fingers were a little bit warmer and she caressed them tenderly. She was about to speak when the door opened behind her back and Amelia stepped in. She was wrapped tightly in her black sweater, her knuckles white for the effort to keep the two hems closed around her sides. Caroline got she wasn't cold, it was what Amelia did when she was nervous, trying to hide her body, herself from the world. She stepped closer, her sneakers squeaking on the smooth and flat floor. She stopped right behind her mother and Caroline felt her sighing and stiffening, her hands pressed on her shoulders.

"Hey…" Amelia muttered quietly.

"Hey… I give the meeting is over" Caroline said without shifting her gaze from Derek's face.

"It is…" her daughter confirmed. She swallowed hard seeing her brother intubated and hooked to a ventilator, her hands shifted on her mother's back and her eyes cast down on the bed. Caroline felt her eyes on her hand and shivered, for the first time not sure of what she was doing, for the first time feeling weak and out of answers. She wasn't the expert in there, she didn't know how to deal with sick people, she didn't know if she could touch or not, if she could talk or not. Amelia was the competent in that room and Caroline loosened her grip on Derek's hand out of instinct.

"Do I hurt him?" she asked to her daughter in a breath, her eyes moving on the stitches keeping her son's forearm closed. Amelia closed her eyes looking up, fat tears leaked down her face and she brushed them away sniffling. She opened her mouth to speak but had to stop and swallow a sob, her lashes blinking more tears out.

"No" she whispered, looking down to her mother's nape.

"Is he in pain?" Caroline asked, her thumb brushing the edge of the bandage covering Derek's wrist.

"No"

"Can he hear me?" she asked in a breath, stroking Derek's hair. There was no answer to this question and Caroline turned around, her hand still on her son's forehead. Amelia rolled her eyes to the ceiling, trying to find a proper answer. She cleared her throat and locked eyes with her mother, giving her a sad smile.

"I don't know…" she said brushing away tears and her now liquefied make up. "People in coma… usually there are wide parts of the brain shut down and dormant but… we have evidence of patients waking up and telling about voices… noises… We always suggest to talk, mom" she said smiling, her eyes moved on her brother's face "and Derek…" she said to her mother who was now giving her back to her "he's a snoop… it's better we keep our big mouths in control if we don't want him to use our confidences against us".

Caroline moved her hand backward over her shoulder and Amelia gripped it. The Shepherds needed to stay close to overcome crises and for the first time in her life Amelia felt a resource and not the core of the predicament.


Owen's patience and self control ended when Meredith sniffled and shook her head. She was crying quietly and it was clear she was fighting an inner battle. Or probably she hadn't believed him which was rather understandable. Truth after truth, revelation after revelation, their lies had crumbled down. It didn't matter if they had uttered them to protect Meredith or Derek's family. Lies were always lies after all and who had to cope with their effect was never happy or relieved.

"Meredith…" he said quietly trying to startle her.

"How do you think I can trust you?" she said flatly, never blinking, her eyes lost somewhere behind his shoulders.

"I would never lie to you…" he muttered quietly.

"You already did…" Meredith spat back, her irises focused on him.

"Not on this…" he tried to offer, shaking his head.

"This… that… so you really think you have the right to choose what I can know or not?" she asked bitterly.

"Meredith…"

"No…" she cut him off "you've been giving me scraps of truth… you've been deciding what to tell me, when to tell me, whether to tell me or not…" her voice escalated with every word and she stopped to catch her breath, shaking her head. "I'm done doing this… maybe it's the hardest way… maybe it's the most cruel I could choose… but if I meet Dunn I know he won't spare me anything"

"You really can't be serious on this" Owen muttered in disbelief, raking a hand in his hair

"I am" Meredith retorted, her eyes cold and detached.

"We were just trying to protect you!" he said almost helplessly, searching for Webber's comfort but finding just utter and complete silence and consternation.

"I don't want your protection…" Meredith snapped, her voice rough like sandpaper "I don't need your protection"

"We were just trying to fulfill Derek's wish…" Owen added defeated, his voice shaking "I know it was probably wrong, Meredith but… I couldn't really deny him this… I just couldn't" he said hiding his eyes and messaging his temples slowly. "Call me weak… call me an ass… it doesn't matter. Do you think this was easy on me?" he raised his eyes and Meredith saw straight through them. Owen was saying the truth and her anger faded a bit, she felt it sinking in her stomach, a fierce beast falling asleep "You had no idea what went through my head in the last hours" he sighed, not at ease to talk of his own emotions but feeling the need to do it "I know it's nothing compared to what you went through but… you have no idea…" he repeated, standing and pacing in the room. He took some deep breath and stopped facing the wall, his eyes closed, his hands on his hips. "My shift was going to end and I had just this meeting with the chief to sort out…" he remembered, somehow trying to revive the same calmness and cheerfulness he had felt in that moment. "I met Derek in front of the elevator and he started to take fun of me…" Owen turned around and faced Meredith, his lips twitched upwards, a small smile brought up by a good and fleeting memory "Then our pagers went off and we entered hell, Meredith. We did enter a living hell"

He stopped realizing Meredith was crying and swallowed, preparing to go on. "In a few minutes we were informed Dunn had messed up and we knew… we both felt you and Cristina were in there together. How could you not?" he shrugged, messaging his neck. "William called and Derek broke down" Meredith sobbed harder and Owen licked his lips, forcing himself to go on "and then he called again and said that sentence and I…" he shook his head, incredulous and shocked even after all those hours "I didn't understand what was going on… I just saw Derek standing and Mark panicking and… next thing I knew was that his father had been assassinated and he left to come to you" he paused, looking to the floor. His head was spinning remembering the rapidity things had happened "I hadn't… I didn't have the time to say goodbye, to support him, to tell him anything, Meredith… just two words on the stairwell" he sank on the chair, drained out, his whole body feeling like jelly. "Both your lives were in his hands…" he looked up, trying with all his willpower to choke back tears "his cold blood saved you, Meredith… his cold blood and a giant free will sacrifice. Do you have an idea of how I feel about it?" he asked, locking eyes with her "do you have an idea of how I felt the first time I realized Dunn had hurt him as he had dared to protect Cristina?" he whispered, a tear rolling down his face "I own him everything, Meredith, I will never be able to pay back such a due… it doesn't matter what will happen. Nothing will never balance what he did in that room" he added, careless of the tears leaking down his cheeks freely. "I'm sorry if I lied to you… I'm sorry… but please… please, Meredith… I'm here… whatever you want to know…" his hand landed on her knee and Meredith looked up, her face tears stricken too "Derek had his reasons to keep you away from Dunn… if God wants, he'll tell you. We'll fill the blanks, Meredith, I promise… We'll fill them… but Dunn is not the person to do it"

Meredith sniffled, she rubbed her nose, overwhelmed by the river of emotions Hunt had reversed on her, had shared with them. She was not the only one in pain, she was not the only one torn to pieces by the situation. And she had no right to judge what others had chosen to do in difficult events. They just needed to join what remained of their courage and fight all together. One thing, one line, one family.

She cleared her throat and leaned her hand on top of Hunt's.

"Will you tell me everything?" she asked, her voice broken by sobs.

"Whenever you feel for it…"

"Ok… ok" Meredith whispered. Her eyes burned and more tears spilled out. Before she realized, she was sobbing all over again and Hunt pulled her into a tight hug.


So... Meredith backed off. This doesn't mean nobody will pay a visit to William, I've already chosen the person. Guess who?

I decided to focus on Caroline and Meredith this episode, next one... there will be finally the encounter between Owen and Cristina, William will leave, Meredith will fight her fears. I have some line to develop and write.

Let me know what you think!