Parental Aspirations

May 2017

New York, NY

It was a damp and cloudy Friday morning, the kind of day that would make one want to play hooky from life, skip work, stay home and read a book. Rory and Logan were doing just that, partially. Today they were intent on completing their baby registry. With the shower Shira was hosting taking place in two weeks, she was calling them daily with reminders get the registry together. Although Rory offered to take care of the whole thing on her own, Logan insisted on participating, "If we're going to get free stuff from my mom's friends, we might as well milk it for all its worth, right Ace?"

They started the day at Babies R Us, "to keep things egalitarian" as Rory insisted. With the advice from Honor, Lane, and Paris, Rory and Logan spent the morning finding and registering for much of the basics. Next, they went off to Babesta, a boutique that Honor and Paris recommended for the more unique and upscale items 'to keep the air of luxury for my mother" as Logan put it.

Between picking out furniture, debating rockers over bouncy seats, getting tangled in baby carriers, stroller races, and analyzing the merits of shopping cart covers, pacifier wipes, and diaper genies, Rory and Logan found the experience more enjoyable than expected. With their mission accomplished, Rory and Logan ducked into their favorite neighborhood bistro for lunch. The bistro was near both their workplaces and became the go-to place when they met for meals during the week. They were there so much that they not only had their own table, but the waiters and waitresses automatically brought them their standard drinks.

"So that wasn't so painful, " Logan said as he drank his iced tea,

"Yea", Rory replied, "for some reason, I thought we would have disagreed more."

"Are you surprised we didn't?"

"Well, I was about to go 12 rounds over the diaper wipe warmer,"

"Ace, that was a joke!"

"Yes, now I know that. You really had me going."

"Really? You thought I was serious?"

"I claim pregnancy brain."

"You know you won't be able to claim that for much longer."

"No, after that I can claim 'momnesia'."

"So you pretty much have a physiological excuse for gullibility and/or absentmindedness for the rest of your life?"

"Yes, and when you gain the ability to push a human being the size of a small watermelon out of a 10cm diameter portal in your body, then you can claim it to."

"Touche Ace."

Rory smiled at Logan, he smiled back. All of a sudden Rory started feeling self-conscious and looked away.

"Logan? Have you ever pictured exactly what kind of parent you want to be?"

"Yes. It's been pretty much present in my mind ever since you told me."

"Would you care to share any insights?"

"You mean other than the opposite of pretty much everything my parent did?"

"Yes, but what does that look like?"

"Well, as you know, I was pretty much raised by a nanny, and I don't want to repeat that. I guess the best way to put it is I want this kid to feel "grounded"; I want him or her to feel like s/he has a solid foundation. That was something I didn't have as a kid. Yes, there were a ton of expectations, but not a lot of support. I never felt rooted or really attached to anyone or anything, until...well..."

"Until when?"

"Until we got together."

"Oh..."

"Anyway, the way I see this happening is for me to make a conscious effort to be more "hands-on"? I mean I know we are going to need and have a lot of help at the beginning, but beyond that, I want us to do things on our own as much as possible. I think not having a live-in nanny is a good idea because it will force us to do things ourselves. I am prepared to change the diapers, do laundry, give baths, read bedtime stories, the whole nine yards. I want to take the kid to the park on Saturday mornings, be present at all the doctor's appointments, be part of the decision about school, be there on all the first days of school, homework, soccer games, dance recital, band concerts, science fairs, you name it. I just want to be present, I want real interactions, I want to know my kid. And," Logan added with a grin, "I want every birthday cake to be a plain sheet cake with buttercream frosting."

Rory couldn't help but smile at that last statement. "What about you Ace?" Logan asked, "I can't see you having too much anxiety."

"Why? Because I had such a 'perfect' childhood?"

"Well, I wouldn't you say that, but you did have a happy childhood, right"

"Yes, yes I did. Despite not having much, I can say that my childhood was ideal. However, that doesn't mean that I would want to repeat everything my parents did."

"Really? I can see that with your dad, but you and Lorelai are pretty tight. In fact, you have the best parental relationship of anyone I know. What would you change?"

"My mom had a policy, "best friends first, mother and daughter second", as a little kid, that's great because I always had someone to play with, to feed my imagination, to let me explore who I was. But as I got older, I don't know, perhaps I could have done with a little more structure? Maybe I would have benefitted from not being so privy to some aspects of my mother's personal life? At the time I thought it was ok, but looking back...there were times when I needed a mom and what I got was a best friend. It's not that she let me run wild, well not that I would have run wild, but she had the mom card and maybe she could have played it more than she did. I don't fault her for wanting to have that kind of relationship with me, seeing how terrible her relationship was with my grandparents when she was growing up. That and being a single parent, well, it can make issues with personal borders and parental guidance somewhat murky. I think this generation could benefit from a bit more "parent" and less "friend", but only by a little."

"Wow, and here I thought Lorelai was the perfect parent."

"Oh, Lorelai is not perfect, not by a long shot. She would tell you that herself." Rory paused for a moment, "I had a really interesting talk with my dad."

"Really? What about?"

"About him letting my mother raise me alone."

"That must have been an intense conversation."

"Well, it wasn't the first time we had this conversation. Although it is the first time that he shared some real insights."

"So what brought this on?"

"My book. I had Doyle review it and he said there was not enough of me in it. Consequently, in putting more thought into it, issues regarding my father's absence started coming out. "

"Great psychological breakthroughs like you see in the movies?"

"No, nothing dramatic. There was no weeping and wailing or gnashing of teeth, or some grand realization of this great subconscious voice influencing my every move. However, it did bring up some questions, questions that my father was finally able to answer. It gave me a better understanding of the big picture of my family dynamics and ultimately myself.

"Like what?"

"Like why he and my mom didn't stay together. Why he continued to stay away while I was a kid. I also learned some very interesting things about his side of the family. Did I ever tell you about my one interaction with his father?"

"No, you didn't."

"I was sixteen. Mom and I had just re-established ties with my grandparents. Dad came to town for a visit and my grandma arranged for us to have a family Friday night dinner with the Haydens. Needless to say, it was a bad idea. It wasn't long before everyone started screaming at each other. Straub referred to me as "that girl" and accused mom of not only ruining my Dad's life but also essentially breaking the Hayden family. He was so angry, and he made me feel so awful; like my existence destroyed everything."

"Wow, what an ass!"

"Yea, I seem to remember Grandma referring to him in that way that night. She assured me that he was a jerk and that "my existence was not a regret." My mom and dad and I had a long talk about it afterward as well, but you know, I could never quite get Straub out of my head. I am just realizing how that night influenced the some of the choices I made in life."

"Like how?"

"That I had to do well. That I had to succeed to show that all the sacrifice that others made for me was worth it."

"Ace, come on, he was an ass, you shouldn't sweat the opinions of idiots."

"Yes, I know, and I did for the most part, but there were times that I let the memory of his opinions really affect me. I mean really sink its hooks into me and that dragged me down."

"Like when?"

"In college, after that episode at dinner with your mother and then with the internship with your dad. I mean, it made me want to steal a boat and drop out of school!"

"Yes, but you came back and killed it! Phi Beta Kappa? Editor of the Yale Daily News? Obama Campaign? Those are no small accomplishments."

"Yes, but then things took a downturn. I have to confess, I let that notion drag me down again."

"Well, he was wrong. Everyone stumbles. It's not what happens to you, but how you respond, and so far you've responded well. You have a job, we are functional, your family and friends still love you, things are looking up."

"Yea. Anyway, that conversation with my dad helped. I learned more about him, his circumstances when I was born and growing up, Straub and Francine and their relationship. Ultimately I learned it was best that I grew up the way I did. Hard as it was at times, with a family like the Haydens, it was best that I wasn't exposed to them."

"Do these new insights have any impact on how you see our situation?"

"Well yes. I know that you are all in and that your sister is in, but what about your parents and the rest of your family? I know so far they have been supportive, but in all honesty, I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I realized the impact of and on your family was one of the reasons why I waited so long to tell you. I did not my kid to shoulder the responsibility of the ruining the "dynastic plan."

Logan considered Rory's words. Given all that was put into his marriage to Odette, combined with Rory's history with his family, Logan could understand her anxiety.

"Well, you don't have to worry about my parents."

"How can you be so sure?"

"I'm sorry you had to go through that with Christopher's father Ace. Really, he was a miserable bastard, and I can see how that situation would make you feel cautious regarding my family. However, the fact that my mother is throwing us a shower? Publically acknowledging our situation proves her support, at least for the kid. They really cater to the grandchildren so I cannot see them ever being intentionally malicious towards the baby. Now, it will not be perfect and I am sure there will be skirmishes ahead, but I think that would happen marriage or no marriage, Odette or no Odette. Just know Rory, the baby and you are my top priority; you two will always come first. I would never allow our kid to be treated like you were by anyone family or not. Know that any drama my family tries to stir, I always, always have your back. "

'Thanks, and same for you. Yes, as long as we keep focus on us, then we'll be ok.'

Lifting his glass, "Agreed".

"Yes, we just need to focus on our own parental aspirations. Focus on the kid, and the rest will take care of itself."

"It's good we have each other, we can keep each other in line."

"Explain?"

"I mean, call each other out when we are veering in the wrong direction. For example, if I am missing in action because of work or some other task, you have the right to call me on it."

"I don't want to nag."

"It's not nagging if I give you permission."

"Ok. If I am too much in friend mode when I should be in parent mode."

"I promise to pull you back in."

"Good. Well, I don't think that it will be too hard for you. The fact that we are sharing custody kind of puts some structure in your life. I mean you will only have the baby to yourself two nights out of the week and every other weekend. So you will have "off duty" time to focus on other things. So in a way, that good for you."

"Why yes, it is," Logan responded with a fake smile. While the situation did bring structure, in truth it was not what he wanted.

Rory looked at Logan and smiled, "I think we'll do pretty well with this parenting thing."

Returning Rory's smile, Logan replied, "I hope so Ace, I really hope so."