Chapter 29

"So, why aren't you taking off your shirt?" I asked Edward with a smirk. "Are you shy?"

It was an unusually sunny day for the area, so after incessant begging from Bree, we finally agreed to put on bathing suits and get a little wet; of course, none of us actually brought bathing suits, so we stopped by the closest souvenir shop and picked some up. We had all changed in the bathrooms, but Edward had yet to remove his shirt which I thought was terribly amusing. He was never the bashful type.

"Nah, I just don't feel like walking around half naked," he replied casually.

"You are shy!" I laughed, but then I suddenly realized something and automatically felt horrible about teasing him. He had been in a coma for over a month, perhaps he was uncomfortable with his current physique from not using his muscles for so long. "You know, no one cares what your body looks like," I told him gently.

He turned to me with his face scrunched humorlessly. "I have a fucking awesome body. My muscles may have softened a little when I was out of it, but I run every morning and I'm probably more fit now than I've ever been."

I smiled at him - I couldn't help it, he was absolutely adorable in his playfully defensive arrogant rant.

"Edward, Bella, look at me!" Bree called as she did cartwheels in front of us.

"Good job, sweetie!" I called back to her.

"Come splash with me!" she insisted.

Edward and I glanced at each other, and then we were both instantly in action. We ran towards Bree, and when Edward reached her he scooped her up and carried her to the waves. She screamed and giggled when he threatened to throw her in the water, and then she squealed for me – "Save me, Bella!" So I did the only logical thing there was to do, I pulled her out of Edward's arms and attempted to run with her back to the sandbank; of course that move just put us both in danger. Edward easily caught up to me, and in one swift motion he pulled all three of us down into the water. Fuck, it was cold.

We rushed back to our towels before we could catch hypothermia, and I couldn't help but tease Edward for the fact that he didn't have a dry shirt to change into. "I told you to take it off."

"I'll be fine," he said with chattering teeth. "I have a towel."

"Okay," I said, still clueless as to what his real issue could be.

A little while later, one of Bree's friends from school showed up with her family, so the two girls ran around for a while before settling down to make a giant princess sand castle, which pretty much left Edward and I alone in the first awkward silence of the day.

"So…you do look really good, your physical therapy must have been a success," I said, just trying to start some kind of conversation.

"It wasn't a big deal; I was in there with a guy with a spinal cord injury, now he had it rough."

"Still, it must have been hard. I wish I could have come visit you…"

"So, I heard you're moving in a couple days?" he questioned, cutting me off.

"Tomorrow, actually…But I'm only moving to Seattle, so I'll still be here as often as possible."

He was quiet for a moment as if he was surprised my move wasn't more drastic, but then he huffed. "For how long? I mean, it's only a matter of time until something else comes along and you move again. Next time it could be out of the country, for all you know."

"I guess there aren't any guarantees, I certainly didn't expect to ever move back to Washington, but I'd like to stay in Seattle; you know, build a life and future." When he didn't respond whatsoever, I decided to ask him a question. "Well, what about you? I thought you were maybe planning to move to Seattle as well?"

"Who told you that?" he asked surprised.

"Um...I'm not sure, Alice maybe."

"I do have a connection for an EMT job there, but… I don't know. I think you and I are complete opposites in that department. You're constantly on the move, and I'm just…stagnant."

I smiled. "Well maybe I can get you to move just this once, and then you could get me to stay."

He stared at me and pressed his lips as if he was actually considering it, but then – "Hey, aren't you engaged, or something?"

"Huh?" I asked, truly baffled; it took me a few moments to actually figure out what he was talking about. "Oh, you mean Mike? Renee really needs to stay out of my business," I mumbled, remembering that Ethereal Edward had mentioned that Renee had told half the town that I was getting married long before Mike ever proposed. "No, I'm not now, or ever have been, engaged. Mike was just... a means of self-torture," I admitted. "Renee just hoped we'd get engaged, and she jumped the gun and told people she shouldn't have."

"Well I'm sure Renee would have preferred you to have a few marriages under your belt by now," he joked, but was completely accurate. "I mean, you're only a couple years shy of thirty, you're practically an old hag."

I giggled. "Yeah, in fact, just this morning she told me I needed to hurry up and get married because my looks were fading…or something like that."

He laughed once. "Obviously, she's delusional; you're only getting more beautiful as you get older."

My face flooded with heat, and for a moment I thought we were finally getting somewhere… I should have known it wasn't going to be that easy.

Bree ran back to us and asked Edward if I could go to their place for dinner, and he suddenly clamed up. "No, I don't think it's a good idea. Bella's moving tomorrow, I'm sure she has a lot of things left to do before then."

"Actually I'm done with everything, so I'm free for the rest of the night," I told him.

"Bree, go say goodbye to your friend," Edward instructed her.

"But…"

"Bree, now," he said sternly.

"Fine," she pouted, and then turned and headed back to her friend.

"Bella, look, I don't know what you're hoping for, but like I said before, I'm really not at a place in my life where I want any new or renewed relationships of any kind. Bree really likes you, and because you're leaving I figured this would be a good opportunity for her to hang with you for a bit and say goodbye. I think anything further than this," he gestured towards the ocean, "would be too much. She doesn't need to get any more attached to you than she already is."

My stomach twisted. "But I'm coming back. I'll be here all the time, so visiting her won't be a problem. I really don't understand why you're so against us being friends."

"Because we're not friends. You and I have a complicated past, and I honestly don't see how we could be friends. It's awkward, and I'm surprised you don't seem to notice that." He took a deep breath. "Bree's about to enter the hard time; losing her mother is going to be the most difficult thing she'll ever go through, and I need to be concentrating on her, not distracted by having you around. I'm not dating right now, hell, I'm hardly seeing the friends I currently have; this…whatever it is, just isn't going to happen."

I looked down and started playing with a string on my towel. I just couldn't look at him out of fear he'd see the pain in my eyes. I didn't want him to know just how badly his words hurt, because I knew he didn't intend for them to. He had already told me as gently as possible that he didn't want to be around me, and that didn't make him a jerk, it just made him honest….well, as honest as he thought he could be. I still didn't have a doubt that he loved me deep down, and that was the hardest part of it all; I could have just walked away if he didn't.

The drive home was quiet, to say the least. Bree fell asleep before we even turned onto the highway, and Edward and I didn't speak until he pulled into his apartment complex parking lot. "Well, thanks for letting me tag along, I had fun," I said uncomfortably.

"Bella, I really am sorry…and I'm not just talking about for today. I was a prick to you all those years ago, and you never deserved that."

"It was a long time ago," I said quietly.

"It was, but I think it took away our chance at closure. We had a…unique relationship, but it was intense and important, and I absolutely hate that it all ended like that. I'm sorry…again."

I nodded. "I'm sorry too. I should have never run away; I should have gone back and faced you, but I was a coward."

"That's not being a coward, that's being smart," he said unexpectedly. "I pushed you away, and you had every right to not put up with it."

"But we can't go back and change anything, so…"

"So let's just…say goodbye," he murmured.

Could I do it? Could I just say goodbye? I couldn't force myself on him, so how was I supposed to convince him we belonged together when he told me flat out, on more than one occasion, that he didn't want a relationship. Perhaps it wasn't giving up at all to take a step back, perhaps Edward was right, perhaps it wasn't a good time for us and if I was patient, fate would bring us back together. Wasn't there a saying about loving someone and setting them free? We were brought together by a force greater than us, so I had to believe it would happen again. It was all I could do.

"Goodbye…" I whispered back to him. "Please hug Bree for me."

I felt sick. I wasn't the type to raise my hands on a rollercoaster and trust the belts to keep me safe. I wanted to be in action and take control, and yet, I had no control in the situation whatsoever.

Selfishly I allowed myself to wallow in regret for a few minutes – Ethereal Edward was right to not want to go back to his body, he knew it would separate us. But a few minutes after that I let that regret fizzle away – Bree needed Edward, it wouldn't have been right to knowingly take him away from her. Edward and I were soul mates and we would be together eventually, whether it was in this life or the next. I could wait, I had no other choice. Still hurt like hell though.

I wasn't sure which felt worse - when I found out Edward was in a coma and I had only reconnected with his spirit, or trying to accept the fact that life may keep us apart. Once again I found myself locked in my bedroom in my mother's house, just bawling uncontrollably. I would stay focused, I would keep moving forward with my business and my life, but I knew my heart would always be locked away until Edward finally decided to claim it.

As if things couldn't possibly get worse, that same evening I got a professional blow to match my personal one – I was informed that there was a potential issue with the building structure of my bookstore – which in turn meant no bookstore, and I was looking at the possibility of once again, having nothing.

My entire world was caving in around me, and I couldn't handle it. I needed something to help ease the pain, and for the first time I understood why some people turned to drugs. It was unbearable, and if I didn't figure out a way to release the tension I was surely going to implode.

I looked around my room for something to help - maybe a good book to distract me or even my iPod to blare music into my head and drown out my grief, but everything was packed away and I was left feeling claustrophobic in my little empty room. I needed to get out, I needed some fresh air, but when I got outside, I was hit with the nights freezing chill and it only made my nerves that much worse. So I got in my car and just started driving around aimlessly. The little town was mostly empty at that time of night, so it was easy to zone-out and still navigate the streets.

And then, without even trying to do so, I found myself parked at Edward's apartment again. It made sense that my subconscious would take me there, as children we had always turned to each other in times of distress, and I could feel that same level of need pulling me towards him again. Edward was my other half, every inch of my being knew he was the only remedy to my pain; I could handle anything if he was beside me.

But he made his feelings clear, so I tried to force myself to leave. I mentally called myself every derogatory name in the book – pathetic, obsessed, psychotic, moron, idiot, loser…but none of it stopped me from getting out of my car. I was way past desperate. Edward was the source of my greatest pain, but he was also my medication. He was my drug; I was addicted to him and after more than a decade of sobriety, I was relapsing.