Chapter 29.
Okay, it's Eragon's turn. Because I wrote this story from Arya's POV, I have to continue with it from her perspective, but please note in this chapter, the main part Arya plays is asking questions, and then responding to Eragon's answer. Needles to say, that doesn't stop her from commenting, where needed, but her purpose is to ask questions, and have responses to Eragon's answers.
Urgh. I'm almost healed from my torn ligaments in my foot, yet this past week and a half was more irritating, just healing more slowly.
CP owns all things Eragon.
000
Saphira answered, At the beginning in his life in leaving Carvahall, continuing until this past week. He feels the same way as you, only now he feels shame, before he felt only guilt.
Arya took a moment to ponder this. She responded slowly, Roran and Murtagh.
Precisely! With that she rolled head away, and grumbled deep in her belly.
Arya nodded her head, wondering how then, she would approach Eragon, if he felt the same as she did. After all, she had almost killed him. Surely he must be feeling detestable, if he felt nearly the same way she did when she offered up her own life, and expected him or Saphira to take it!
She tried to broach the subject with him several times, but did not manage to get a full sentence out, and Eragon did not help. He withdrew more into himself, not wanting to discuss either circumstance. Finally, Arya had to decide whether to coax him to talk, or whether to depart.
She examined Eragon, changed in a way Dragon Riders normally would not be for one hundred years or more. His dark brown eyes were still the same but they and everything else about him changed to resemble the more feline looks of elves, including his now pointed ears. Yet, he was different and would not ever be an elf, mainly because of the set of his jaw, the beard he still had to shave, and the thickness of sinews in his muscles. Right now, he was miserable.
"You realize since the change, you smell of herbs," Arya said, hoping to distract Eragon.
"Yes," Eragon stated. "I didn't think anyone noticed."
"I did," Arya commented. "What kind, I do not know."
"Sweet Basil," Eragon supplied. "We grew it on our farm when Aunt Marian was still alive. She could add it to our food, especially stew. After she died, Garrow didn't have the heart to grow the basil or any other herb anymore."
"It is unique," Arya said. "And if it reminds you of your aunt, then you should be grateful, and remember those times." Eragon nodded, but did not look convinced.
Eragon needs to share and only you are in the position to help, Saphira exhorted her.
Arya sighed. I thought so, she considered.
You are not getting out of this, Saphira pushed. After all, you were the one who almost killed us.
Right, Arya responded, shaking her head. Of course, I did almost kill him…and you. Saphira moved her head near Arya's shoulder and blew two puffs of smoke, which wrapped around Arya's face. All right, she complained to Saphira. I just have to decide where to start.
At the beginning, Saphira encouraged her.
Arya nodded, took in her breath and let it loose again. She glanced up at the night sky, seeing dissipation of the clouds and the resultant moon, shining down on them at full force. She started to talk, but stopped just as quickly. Arya recognized what she had to do, but the actual doing of it was more than a hardy question. Saphira moved her head to the opposite side of where Eragon was in relation to Arya, and bent forward, leaning her head out to where Arya could see her, white teeth flashing as she growled. Arya tensed as Saphira made it clear what she should do.
Finally, Arya asked Eragon softly, "Why do you feel guilty?" Saphira withdrew her head, and put forth another puff of smoke to let Arya know she agreed with what Arya asked.
Eragon did not look up at Arya. At first, he did not say anything at all. Arya felt foolish then. You see, Eragon does not want to talk, she told Saphira.
However, before Saphira could respond, Eragon spoke so quietly, and with such anguish in his voice, he surprised Arya. "When Saphira first hatched for me, I felt I was the luckiest person in the world, or blessed by the gods, or something. I made a place for her near the edge of the Spine, where I would hunt for game. In fact, I made a place almost where I found her egg originally."
"When I transported the egg thus keeping it away from Durza," Arya commented. Hopefully, he would know he was not alone.
"Yes," Eragon stated. They had talked about this, though in a much different circumstance. "Though Saphira's egg did not hatch for me right away. In fact, I tried to trade it for meat with the local butcher. Only when she hatched did I recognize the egg was not a stone, but in fact, an egg. In the first couple of weeks, I made sure she could get game, and finally, let her into my thoughts, or rather, became amazed at Saphira's own consciousness, one that was completely foreign and yet familiar to me all the same. As she grew, I just pictured her there with me, with the eventuality I would have to tell Garrow and Roran, only not until she grew beyond the point they would kill her. I did not know…I didn't." There his voice trailed off.
"Know what?" Arya asked.
"Know that I would put my uncle's life in danger," Eragon said.
I sensed they were murderers! That death went before them, and destruction lay in their wake, Saphira interrupted. But I did not know until they came.
"I am not blaming you, Saphira," Eragon said gently. "In fact, my actions alone ended his life. If I had just told him…""
"Many people have sorrow, Eragon, under Galbatorix's reign," Arya reflected.
"Yet, he died because I made a foolish mistake!" Eragon insisted.
"You did not know," Arya stated fiercely, a sentiment echoed by Saphira.
"But I should have known!" Eragon retorted. "As a result Garrow was killed, all because of me. I left with Brom, with only a note written by him to my cousin, Roran. Only a message! I thought I did the right matter. Carvahall, and Roran were safe, and Saphira, Brom and I went to track down the Raz'ac whom killed my uncle. But then Brom died, saving me by taking a dagger to the chest. It did not end there, for Galbatorix did not leave Carvahall alone, thus Roran having to lead them to Surda, where he hoped to find the Varden." Eragon paused, and then before Arya could interject, continued with disgust, "My home, my village, my uncle, and Brom all suffered because of me! If I had just left when Saphira could fly me, then none of this would have happened!"
"You feel guilty because of that," Arya commented.
"Yes, I do, Eragon said, distraught.
I told him we should go after the Raz'ac, for that is the name they went by, Saphira stated. Eragon reminded me of my duty as a dragon, and therefore his duty as a Dragon Rider, to attempt the impossible, and to accomplish great deeds regardless of fear.
"There is wisdom in that," Arya said softly.
"Oh, what good did it do?" Eragon asked rhetorically. "Brom wound up dead, saving me. Yes, it's true that I reached the Varden, fought and won at Farthen Dur, but the only reason I went there, or came here, was because of you. Brom did not want me to come to the Varden. He knew the politics! And what did I accomplish except ending up in the same predicament that Brom hoped to avoid. Besides, Saphira and I never caught the Raz'ac. So you tell me how did I do? Garrow, dead, Katrina kidnapped by the same Raz'ac that killed Garrow, Murtagh lost to us, and Galbatorix still sitting on the throne in Ura'bean. On top of all that Roran shows up, with the rest of Carvahall in tow!"
Arya looked at him, surprised at the bitterness in his voice. She softly asked, "You wish that Saphira never hatched for you?"
Eragon glanced up at her, meeting her eyes. He looked down into the chasm and then back up at her. His dark brown eyes glittered with confusion. "No, I would never think that," he responded.
I love you, too, Saphira stated.
"But, I feel as though I have failed because I did not know," Eragon said. "Just as I failed Elva, speaking a curse instead of a blessing, because I was not familiar enough with the ancient language."
"Ah, so therein lies the crux of the matter, huh?" Arya replied.
"Yes," Eragon admitted.
Arya sat there for a few moments, thinking how best to answer him in such a way that would help and not be a hindrance. She reflected on his statements that considered everything he did as being wrong because of the scathing certain people took by his actions, no matter whether he meant for it to be that way or not. Beside her, Saphira grumbled, as she reached out with her snout and touched Eragon's shoulder. Arya looked at Saphira for a minute. You do not agree? Arya asked Saphira.
No, I do not, Saphira answered. Garrow and Brom paid with their lives, but that is Galbatorix's fault, not Eragon's. After all, he was just a farm boy when I hatched for him. Remember, you took my egg back and forth between the elves and the Varden for all those years, and yet I never hatched for any of them. I chose Eragon because of exactly that reason, he did not have any particular attachment to the Varden or the elves. The doing is the thing.
Arya bowed her head to Saphira. "Eragon," she said gently. "There is no need for you to continue to feel guilty! Brom died because he knew that your life was more important than his, because Saphira hatched for you alone. As far as Carvahall, there is a deception you could easily fall into, if you think they could have avoided the madness which envelopes our land. That Galbatorix betrayed humans, elves and dwarves alike was not your doing, and it is not for you to accept the blame for the suffering that engulfs our land. How many men we slew actually wanted to be on the battlefield of the Burning Plains? How many conscripts were there, forced to fight and die on that field? Yet we could not determine the difference between then and the reguar army troops in battle. After they started to retreat, we could only let them go. Do you think that everyone who fled was a conscript? No. Such is the evil of the times we live in."
Eragon stared at her. Arya could not discern what he thought or the motivations of his heart. The air in the cavern swirled and when it came a certain way, Arya noted the smell coming from his figure of herbs.
"The doing is the thing," Arya echoed Saphira.
"Yes, I know that, but it does not escape what I have done," Eragon argued.
Arya frowned, her emerald eyes blazing. A thought entered her mind, slowly percolating around, and becoming clearer, even as she sat there on the edge of the cliff. "You feel as though you must help Roran rescue Katrina, or else you condemn another person to death by your actions?" she asked.
Eragon nodded. "If the doing is the thing, then I must do this," he stated emphatically.
"Very well. You should know the only objection I have is knowing the Raz'ac surely have set a trap for you and Saphira. It is the only explanation."
"You do not have the right to say whether I can go," Eragon huffily said.
"I know," Arya sharply responded. "I just happen to think Saphira, Roran and you would be better off with the help of the elven spellcasters. That is all, nothing more."
"Oh," Eragon replied sheepishly. "Do you know where they are? Islanzadi told me of sending them, but you would probably know better than I where they are."
"No, I do not," Arya said. "They should be here already. Because of the secrecy of their mission, and because Galbatorix cannot locate Du Weldenvarden, they traveled in secret, warded from anybody who would try to scry them, fried or foe alike. I cannot contact them, only they can contact me. I sent three doves with messages; one, to Aberon, two, to the Burning Plains, and three, to the Urgals who are guarding the path we took to Farthen Dur. As of yet, no word has come to let me know they have even reached any of those places."
Eragon quickly stood, pacing back and forth. "Barzul!" he cursed, adopting the dwarven language. Saphira shifted, looking over at Eragon, watching as he paced.
If the doing is the thing, than Eragon would be even more frustrated, Saphira noted to Arya. It would not surprise me if Eragon demanded to go without any help. As of yet, we have not gotten into any predicament, which we could not find our way out of, whether by luck or brute strength. Every day, I grow stronger and so does Eragon.
Arya glanced at Saphira, noting the truth of the statement. Eragon, unlike her, would not be satisfied unless he made good on carrying out the process of rescuing Katrina. The process with him lied outside of himself, outside of his own heart. Whereas with Arya the struggle was internal.
Yet you attacked us, Saphira pointed out.
Arya frowned, then had to let a little smile curl at the wisps of her mouth. I did, she admitted. Arya considered the difference between Eragon and her. Guilt was completely foreign to her, and having no way to deal with it, she had lashed out violently. Eragon knew guilt, yet the only way he knew was to take action. If the doing was the thing that helped him deal with the guilt, then he would not be able to rest until he helped Roran rescue Katrina. Yet if he left without first turning the curse into a blessing for Elva, he would consider it a failutre.
"It probably doesn't matter," Eragon muttered. "I am still a farm boy in your eyes." Arya winced. She wished, above all else, she hadn't yelled at Eragon.
"My guilt led me to say that," Arya said apologetically. "You do realize that, do you not?" she asked.
Eragon glanced up at her, and then looked back down at the abyss. "I suppose so," he mumbled, not convinced.
"Well, it is true," Arya replied.
Yes, I do believe Arya is telling the truth, Saphira added. To that, Eragon just shrugged. Arya sat there for a moment, considering what she would do. As the ambassador to the Varden, she could not stay and protect Nasuada. Or could she? She thought about Du Vrangr Gata. The elven spellcasters would not know how to deal with them, and making mistakes could easily put Nasuada in greater danger. Basically, Arya did not trust them, even with the Twins gone, they still did not prove to be trustworthy.
"Would it help if I thought of another way to help you and Saphira go to get Katrina back?" Arya inquired. Right now, she did not know if anything could work, but such was the story of Eragon's life. He and Saphira had accomplished so much she could see why Oromis held it was good for them to spend the first part of Saphira's life apart from the elves, and the Varden.
Eragon lifted his head, and stared her in her emerald eyes. "Yes," he wholeheartedly confessed.
"Then that I will do," Arya promised.
Eragon nodded, then turned to glance around at different parts of the cavern. Saphira commented to Arya, Any help you could give in that regards will be a blessing to us. I, for one, agree with Eragon, we do not need an escort. I am stronger than any other being alive, including the Raz'ac. Once the period of Hrothgar's mourning, which is drinking and dancing is over, and the dwarves have selected a new king, then we will leave, even if I have to kidnap Eragon. Elva can wait until we succeed in rescuing Katrina.
Arya bowed her head, acknowledging Saphira.
"That doesn't change the way I feel," Eragon burst out. "In every way, I wish I had done anything and everything differently."
"Staying in Carvahall? Never coming to Farthen Dur? Never saving me?" Arya asked, with some poignancy. Eragon stopped his pacing and stared at her.
"I guess not," he admitted.
"I cannot ignore your deed, no matter how much you risked when you should not have," Arya commented. "I am here because of you."
"You told me that I was a fool for saving you," Eragon stated.
"Yes, I did, but I am glad I am still here," Arya confessed. "I would have gladly perished, yet I am alive and nothing can lessen the gladness I feel. It is one situation to be on the brink of death, it is another to have life afterwards. What my life is from now until the day I die is thanks to you and Saphira— to your courage and stubbornness."
Eragon turned away. "It doesn't matter," he finally said. Saphira hissed.
"Yes, it does," Arya insisted. "Besides, without me you would not have gone so easily into Ellesmera. Because I trusted you, the elves trusted you. If I had not survived, then you would have found yourself bogged down in elven politics for a while. Remember, one hundred years is not all that long for elven kind. They remember the Forsworn, and what Galbatorix did. You saw Islanzadi's reaction to my presence. We disagreed because she thought we, the elves, should retreat and never see men or dwarves again. In taking the yawe, I put our nation in danger, especially from the time I took the egg and transported it back and forth between the elves and the Varden. Islanzadi hoped it would hatch for an elf, and thus the dragon and rider would be subject to elven control."
"You mean the rider would not have gotten involved in the fight against Galbatorix?" Eragon asked, appalled.
Arya nodded. "Yes," she said for emphasis.
"But Du Weldenvarden is a beautiful place. Once Galbatorix found out the location, wouldn't he destroy the elven kingdom?" Eragon asked, amazed.
"Eventually," Arya admitted. "However, not all elves saw the vulnerability, Islanzadi included. She, and many others, felt the conquest of Du Weldenvarden would never happen. Remember how I explained to you about the excesses of elves getting involved with nature and only that?" Eragon nodded. "They would continue in their arrogance until Galbatorix saw all of Du Weldenvarden burned in flame."
Saphira reacted strongly, shifting her massive weight while smoke flew out of her nostrils. Fire! Enemies! Death! Murders! she emphasized.
"What about Oromis and Glaedr?" Eragon asked, slightly confused.
"Not everyone would turn their back on the world," Arya responded.
Eragon sighed. "That's good," he commented.
"Eragon, do you consider the training you received from Oromis to be penultimate?" Arya probed.
"Of course I do," Eragon replied.
"What about Brom?"
"Well, he trained me in the basics, but nothing compared with what Oromis-ebrithil did," Eragon answered honestly.
Arya frowned, and crossed her arms, then gestured for him to sit back down. Eragon did as Arya directed. "Brom hammered out an agreement, with me, that he would train the new Rider, whomever that may be. It was on purpose."
"I don't understand," Eragon said.
Arya sighed. "You, being young and not knowing the ways of the elves, look at us as perfect," Arya started to say.
"No, not perfect," Eragon quickly pointed out.
"Fine," Arya said. "But better than human society."
"Yes," Eragon replied. "After all, humans don't try to understand the natural world. We just use it, no matter what the cost."
Saphira snorted. Bah! The elves are vegetarian. You will never be able to convince me. Every animal knows its place in the world, and I am not going to change my way of doing things just because I eat other animals. I am not ashamed of this, either. You, Eragon, will never convince me otherwise.
Eragon threw up his hands. "You see what I go through," he stated to Arya.
"Saphira does have a point," Arya said. Eragon shook his head, repulsed that Arya would make such a point.
Thank you, Saphira responded.
"We elves were not always vegetarians," Arya explained. "In fact, when the elf first killed a dragon and started the Du Fyrn Skulblaka, he saw the dragon as his prey. After the war, when dragons set aside a certain number of eggs for the elves who they would hatch for to become their Riders, we then began exploring the natural world in greater significance. Only then did we become vegetarian."+
"And what is your point?" Eragon asked, nonplussed.
"That elves have just as many faults as humans or dwarves," Arya rejoined. "And you should take what Oromis-ebrithil taught you and put it in context of the overall picture of your life. Brom was the most significant part of that life since you became Saphira's Rider. Remember, she accepted the name not knowing where it came from, but it was the same name as Brom's dragon."
"So, you are saying I should remember what Brom taught me?" Eragon expressed.
"Yes, I am," Arya answered. "Or better yet, I am saying never forget Brom taught you as well as Oromis did. In the future, it would behoove you to never forget what you learned alongside him in the first year of Saphira's life. In the dark times, those lessons will come back to you more than what you learned later."
Eragon shook his head, refusing to believe her. Saphira softly said, Eragon, Arya is right. You, as well as I, will revert to what we first learned together, what we experienced before coming to the Varden, or before going to Du Weldenvarden. Before we had responsibilities, and when we were truly independent.
"But you are the Princess and Islanzadi's daughter," Eragon protested.
"Yes, however, I am more my father's daughter than anything else," Arya replied. "Evandar recognized the danger." Arya sat there for a few moments, as Eragon digested what she had shared with him.
Do not forget shame, Saphira told Arya.
Murtagh, Arya thought.
Exactly.
"Eragon, I understand your feelings of guilt, but help me understand your feelings of shame, for with humans I have observed they are one and the same. Yet what I have experienced with you, they are not the same," Arya said to Eragon.
Eragon looked toward Arya, and saw her eyes fixed upon him. Arya was serious about helping him, but she could not understand this—to her, humans experienced shame and guilt as the same emotion. But yet here was Eragon, experiencing shame as something new and different. The look in Eragon's eyes told her what he experienced now was something very different, and it related to the core of his being. Until now, the guilt he felt was tempered by doing. However, now the shame he experienced would not be gone no matter how much he and Saphira accomplished in the future.
"I felt guilt for leading Murtagh to the Varden, and to his death," Eragon started. He paused, then continued, "But I carried his memory with me, until he appeared on the Burning Plains, with his dragon, Thorn, and told me my father was none other than Morzan. Selena, my mother, married to a monster! In all my seventeen years, I had not felt shame as I do now."
"As I told you earlier, you are not your father, nor your brother, their shame is not yours," Arya reiterated.
"Yet, I still must bear the responsibility," Eragon stated defiantly. "Or tell me, would the elves understand? Would Islanadi? Or even King Evandar, if he were still alive?" he asked furiously.
"Evadar would understand," Arya replied softly. "However, Islanzadi would not. I think the reason she gave Aren to Brom was his role in the death of Morzan. He must have been the one behind my father's death. It is the only reason I can think of."
Eragon groaned and turned away. Arya does not hold that against you, Saphira reasoned. Evandar was her father. There is a good reason for the use of the term 'Svit-kona' added to her first name. She is right. You should not feel shame because of that. In fact, you should rejoice because you can change the downcast nature of your family's name.
"But I cannot change what I am!" Eragon answered Saphira aloud.
"Tell me about your confrontation with Murtagh," Arya said, trying to change the subject before Eragon needlessly continued to beat himself up over it.
"It was at the end of the battle when the red dragon came," Eragon stated flatly. "I fought him with sword, yet I could not beat him because of the tiredness of my body and mind. After a while, I recognized the blows we exchanged were the same blows that we had exchanged earlier, when we traveled together. I tore off his helm and saw it was Murtagh. I sensed the vast number of consciousness residing in his mind. Then he told me he and his dragon were slaves to Galbatorix, because he knew their true names."
Arya furrowed her brows, making a V. "A vast number of consciousness in his mind?" she considered for a few moments. "Could it be Galbatorix has access to a real 'vault of souls', like what Solembum prophesied to you?" she asked.
"I thought as much," Eragon answered. "I do not know, but it makes sense. I always thought the Vault of Sould related to Helgrind, and the Rock of Kuthian another name for it. But now that seems unlikely. Or else why would the Raz'ac take Katrina there? I mean if the two prophecies Solembum shared with me were in order of when I needed them."
"I am sorry," Arya said. "That name sounds familiar, like I should know where and what it is, but I cannot place it no matter how hard I try, and I have tried to place it since you first told me. It is like something I should recognize, yet it just wisps away, like the ethereal dew in the morning when it is near midday."
"I think I will recognize it when it is time," Eragon stated.
"Yes, you are right," Arya said, nodding. She then paused, before asserting, "I have never heard of a dragon having another name."
Eragon just stared at her, but Saphira voiced, You are right, Arya, I have no other name, and I would know if I had one, would I not?
I do not know, Arya broadcast her thought to include Eragon. Perhaps Galbatorix forced the bonding as he did with Shurikan.
"No," Eragon said quickly. "Murtagh was explicit in saying Thorn hatched for him, and would not allow me to kill him because he valued Thorn's life too much. 'Thorn' to go with 'Misery' is what he said when he took Zar'oc from me. If he had submitted to death, then I would not feel the shame I do now."
Arya considered what Eragon stated for a couple of minutes. Finally, she said, "Perhaps the way for you to deal with the shame you feel is exactly what Saphira suggested to you—the doing is the thing. That may be your responsibility for the future."
Eragon sat straight up, and looked at Arya with surprise. "Saphira said the same after Garrow died," he told Arya.
If shame is the same as guilt, then the answer is the same, Eragon, Saphira stated. I have always believed the only true guide is your heart. What does your heart tell you?
"That I should take Roran and track down the Raz'ac, once and for all," Eragon answered.
Then we will do exactly that! Saphira responded with emphasis.
Arya sighed. "Then I guess I had better figure out someway to help you," she said. "Even if it means going along, though that is the last resort, not because I do not want to help you, Eragon, but because I am trapped by responsibilities as the elven ambassador to the Varden." Saphira grumbled her agreement with the point.
Arya stood up, reached out her hand and helped Eragon get to his feet. "Thank you," Eragon stated, as he stood to his feet. Arya just nodded.
"I had better let you go. The dwarves will miss you if you are gone too long," Arya said.
"No, the dwarves will miss Saphira drinking all their ale," Eragon said ruefully.
Bah! Saphira snorted.
Arya smiled, and started to walk away. Eragon called out after her. "Arya Svit-kona! I must apologize for my behavior in Ellesmera. Faolin was your mate, wasn't he?" he asked. Arya stopped in her tracks. She did not move for a few minutes, and even when she did turn, sadness was in her eyes, and her shoulders dropped. Eragon sheepishly looked at her, ready for whatever may come of his admission of guilt.
Arya slowly acknowledged the truth of his statement. "Yes," she whispered. "Faolin and I were mates."
"I am sorry! I did not recognize it because I did not want to! You were still grieving for him, and probably still are. Foolish, that's what I call it."
I did tell him to stop pursuing you, Saphira commented to Arya. However, not because of Faolin, so the fault is mine all the same.
No, it's not, Eragon told Saphira.
Eragon felt remorse for what he had done, but Arya would not give him the satisfaction of sharing what she had told her mother, her relationship with Faolin was all but over. She justified her action by rationalizing it did not matter. Faolin was dead, and she grieved for him, just as she grieved for Glenwing.
"Farewell, Eragon-elda," Arya stated, bowing her head to acknowledge the maturity he had shown. "You are seventeen, yet you have experiences of someone much older."
"Am I grown up?" Eragon asked ruefully, his face showing he did not expect Arya to say he was.
"Yes, Eragon the Second, Rider of the Blue Dragon Saphira, indeed you are," Arya responded, then turned and walked away.
.
.
000
I appreciate reviews. Someone please write a bad review! Not to say that I don't like good reviews, I do, but come on! At least give me something! I hope after this, you will see Eragon as mature.
+ I am not saying one way or the other whether vegetarianism is good or not. In American society, it probably is because of the growth hormones that are given to cows. Of course, there is fish, but I hate fish. In England, or other places, I do not know. I do know organic foods are the best, if you can afford them! )
P.S. Arya sure has a hard time changing! She admits that she needs to help Eragon go after the Raz'ac, but then won't totally admit what her relationship with Faolin was. Arya, Eragon and Saphira share the mark for stubbornness! Then again, one of the marks of a good leader is stubbornness. So what can you say.
