The knock at my door isn't unexpected. I still don't know what I'm going to do even as I open the door to Sloan. I move back quickly so that she can enter. "I thought you guys would never get back from dinner" she says as she enters. After giving me a kiss, she moves into the room. I close the door and, the moment I turn around, Sloan is on me. Her lips are devouring mine, her hands are in my hair and her body is pressed against mine. I can't keep up with her and I also can't help my response to her. My dick betrays my brain instantly. I haven't had her in days, my body is quickly reminding me, so I pour myself into the kiss. I can't turn off my brain though and I keep flashing back to Sloan on the floor of the shower, her knees hugged to her as she rocked back and forth, broken. Finally, my brain wins so I push Sloan away.

She tries to kiss me again but I hold her away from me. "What's wrong?" she asks me. Is she serious? I move away from her and begin pacing the room. Sloan stands where she is watching me. "Sidney, what's wrong?" She is serious. How do I answer her? How doesn't she know? I can't figure out what to say so I keep pacing. "Sidney, seriously, what's wrong?" I turn and blurt out "how can you stand it?!" She looks really confused and asks "stand what?" The emotional exhaustion I've been feeling suddenly washes over me physically. I sink down to sit on the bed. I take a deep breath and say "how can you even stand me touching you after what you've been through? Doesn't it bring it all back? It would kill me if anything I did made you think of him." I rest my head in my hands and hear, rather than see her move toward me. "Sidney" she says softly and I look up as she kneels in front of me. "How could you ever think you'd remind me of him? When I'm with you, I'm with you and only you. There is no room in my mind for anyone else. That would be true no matter what I've experienced in my past." She takes my face in her hands and tilts my face until we are less than an inch apart. "Sidney, there's no one but you." She kisses my lips softly. "No one but you" she repeats and kisses me again. "No one but you" she says with another kiss. I pull back and look into her eyes. As I search them, I see no fear at all. Her eyes are a darker blue and filled with desire. There's also something else, something I wasn't sure I'd ever see in those gorgeous blue eyes; love. She leans in and kisses me again taking the kiss deeper and pressing against me. Her arms slide to my shoulders around to my back. I slide my hands over her waist to her back and pull her against me fully. She slips her tongue through my lips and it slides over mine. I tilt my head to take the kiss yet deeper. I feel incredible emotion coming from Sloan. It's like she's putting every feeling that she can't say into one kiss.

Sloan pulls back slightly so that we can look into each other's eyes. "Sidney, you and only you" she whispers softly. I take her face in my hands and stare into her eyes. I feel my heart swell and I can't help but smile. She returns my smile. We simply smile at each other until our smiles melt away and we reach for each other's lips at the same time. Sloan slides her hands up under my shirt so I lean back for a second so she can pull it off. I pull her sweater over her head and undo her bra. I take her face in my hands again and we begin to slowly, softly kiss. Sloan puts her hands on my shoulders and stands in front of me. She then reaches behind and undoes he skirt so it falls to her feet. Her stockings are next and then she's simply standing in front of me in her panties. I kiss her stomach and her hands feast in my hair. I leave kisses across her stomach and she lets out a soft sigh. Her hands pull at my hair until I look up at her. When her hands slide to my shoulders, she pushes me back until I'm lying on my back. I push back so that I'm lying in the centre of the bed and she follows until she's straddling my thighs. Her hands slide down my chest and over my stomach until they reach the snap of my jeans. She pulls at the button and then the zipper. Her hands slip in the waistband and she pulls down both my jeans and my shorts. I lift my hips to help her. When they're are off and she's standing again at the foot of the bed, she slips her panties down and then climbs back on the bed to straddle me. Slowly, her hips grind against me. I reach up and take her breasts in my hands. I run my thumbs over her nipples and her head falls back. She moans long and low.

I sit up and take one of her nipples in my mouth. I alternate between rolling my tongue around it and sucking. I kiss my way over to the other one and repeat the same sequence. She throws her head back and lets out another long moan. Her hips continue to grind against me and my dick teases her entrance. It feels so good but I need to be buried inside her. I push her until she's on her back and I'm lying over her carefully propping myself on my elbows. I take her lips first in a searing kiss then move my lips over her chin, down her neck and spend time on each breast again. I have another destination in mind so I kiss over her stomach and further down. Pushing her thighs wide apart I can see how wet she already is for me. I open her fully and take a long lick. She moans again, deep in her throat, and I feel one of her hands on my head. I lick again up to her clit and then flick it over and over. Her hips begin to move again in time to my tongue. I continue to flick with my tongue on her clit as I slip a finger inside of her. She is so hot and wet; I add another finger. I move them in and out as I continue to work her clit with my tongue. I can tell she's getting close now so I increase speed. Faster and I faster I go until she's crying out and I feel her orgasm begin. I continue to work her with my fingers to prolong it and look up to watch her face. Her entire body is flush now and she's glistening with sweat as she rides out the orgasm. I don't want her to come completely down so I move up her body and slip inside of her. I slowly thrust as she's still riding her first orgasm trying to take her up again. She starts thrusting with me and I can feel her climbing. I know I'm getting close and I focus to hold on for Sloan to join me. Suddenly her eyes open and fix on mine. A couple more thrusts and I feel her second orgasm beginning. I can't take my eyes off of her as she rides her orgasm until I can't hold back any more. I feel mine overtake me now.

When I'm conscious again, I realize that I'm lying fully on top of her so I roll to my side and take her with me. I gently push her hair back from her face and kiss her nose, each cheek and her lips. She slides her hand up my arm, over my shoulder and then rests on my cheek. I'm desperate to tell her how much I love her but I'm afraid to scare her. She's already moved so far from what we said this would be that I don't want to spook her now. She opens her eyes and I see the softness that I love come into those gorgeous blue eyes. They quickly get serious and her hand rests against my cheek. "Sid, is that what you've been worried about for two days? I've noticed that you've been pulling away from me and avoiding touching me. Is that because you were worried about reminding me of him or what I've been through?" I decide to be honest with her. She deserves it after being so honest with me. "Yeah Sloan, it is so hard to watch someone you love tell you something so horrific happened to them. It's especially hard to hear that, well, that happened kind of thing." I look back into her eyes and they are huge and she looks shocked. It can't be surprising to her that I'm upset with what she told me; upset that it actually happened to her. Now I'm really confused. She opens her mouth but words don't come out. She swallows and then asks "you love me?" What?! How does she know that? Fuck, I just told her. Double fuck; now what do I do? I guess it's out there now. "Yeah Sloan I do." She tries to move but I hold her here, to me, so that she can't get up. "Don't run away Sloan. I didn't mean to say it but it's out there now so we have to talk about it." She bites her lower lip which makes we worry. Fuck, this was not the time to tell her.

She's quiet for so long that I really begin to worry. I open my mouth but she puts a finger to my lips. "Wait Sidney, I'm processing." I guess that's better than running out the door. It's killing me to stay silent but I do. "Ok, Sidney, we started this for sex and only sex. Clearly that changed along the way, somewhere, but you know that I'm not staying, right? I'm going back to California after the season. I have a business and a life there. You also know that I don't want a commitment or a relationship. We sort of fell into this, whatever-it-is, but it still has an expiration date." I hear the words she's saying and I know that it's all about when this is going to end. I also notice that I don't hear that she doesn't feel the same way. She hasn't said that she doesn't love me. She hasn't told me that we don't have love between us. I think that's going to have to be enough for now. Sometimes you have to make a strategic retreat and this is one of those times. Instead of arguing with her, I roll onto my back and pull her with me. When she's settled at my side, I watch her hand slide up to my chest directly above my heart. I wonder if she can feel how it's beating for her. Well, I have a few months to change her mind. I got her this far, I can get her to tell me she loves me and get her to stay with me. I just need more time.


As I watch the guys take the ice in Washington, I can't help but replay last night over and over in my head. Sidney loves me, or thinks he loves me. I don't know what's true or what's even going on. I'm so out of my depth right now. I watch Sidney warm up and admire the way he takes such even and quick strides. He is really so beautiful on the ice. He manages to be strong, quick and graceful all at the same time. "He's amazing isn't he?" I hear Mike Kadar say beside me. I chuckle and look at Mike "yeah he is. It's like he was born on those skates." Mike chuckles now and says "when I was working with him last year, after the concussion and before he was back for the second time, I was amazed. His skating is perfect. His timing is unbelievable. We don't call him the best player in the world for nothing." I smile at him and we both look back at the ice. I glance over and watch Washington warm up too. "Mike, why do they compare Ovechkin and Sid? From what I've seen, Ovechkin isn't even in Sid's league." Mike looks where I'm watching and replies "a few years ago he was incredible. Ovechkin could beat anyone, score on anyone and in incredible ways. Over the past few years, his work effort hasn't been there and that shows during the season. Compare that to Sid who is the first on and last off the ice. He works out religiously and watches his food too. In the off season, he takes a few weeks off at the beginning but then he's back to full on workouts and strengthening. It's a process. You can't just turn it on at the beginning of the season. You need to work at it. Ovechkin doesn't and Sid does." I nod to Mike because it makes perfect sense. Sid is definitely driven to be the best. His confidence when he's in 'hockey-mode' is incredible. I watch the guys file off of the ice to end warm up. They'll go back to the locker room, make a few last minute adjustments to equipment if needed and then Dan will give his last minute talk. Then it's game time.

The game is tough in the first period. Chris Kunitz got a goal only three minutes in, Sid got the assist, and then the Capitals score only two minutes later. We got another goal and led 2-0 going into the second period. At the beginning of the second, the Capitals scored only four minutes into the period to tie the game. That was the last time that we didn't have the lead. We won the game 6-3 and Sid had three assists. The locker room is really exciting after the game. Chris Kunitz had four goals for the first time in his career. He was given the coal miners hat to recognize his great game. It really seemed weird to me at the beginning of the season; the tradition of the best player of the game, if they win, getting the coal miners hat. Then they pass it on, at the next game, to who they think was the best player. After seeing it given out a few times, I've come to think of it as a way the players bond and congratulate great games by players who may not always get recognized. Sometimes it goes to the 'role players' who play on the third or fourth line and make great contributions that others may not see. Sometimes it goes to the hero of the game, today it was definitely Chris, to recognize an incredible game.

As we fly to New York, I watch as the trainers strap ice packs to various body parts of the players. The flight attendants are handing out their meals. The general mood is high and fun. The team is tired but it's a satisfied tired. I have a lot to do and read but I can't seem to get my mind on my work. I've read the same page in a report three times. Finally, I give up and lay my head back to think. Sidney is in love with me. That's all I've been able to think for the past eighteen hours. Last night, when I realized that Sid was afraid to touch me and bring up my past, it broke my heart. It was definitely not true and I couldn't let him think that a moment more. When we were lying in bed later and he told me that he loved me, although it seemed by accident, it took a few minutes for it to break through my brain. I was definitely caught off guard. I knew that our whatever-it-is had moved beyond sex. I stopped trying to pretend it was a while ago but I was not prepared for Sidney to call it love. It's crazy and probably because he's twenty-five years old and inexperienced; but, I can't seem to dismiss what he said or the feelings behind it no matter how much I try to convince myself it's not true. I am happy that he didn't look for me to make a declaration too. What would be the point if I'm leaving in a few months anyway? Of course, I notice that at no time have I denied that I feel the same way.