Disclaimer: No ownership of these characters is implied or expected. No copyright infringement is intended.

A/N: Thank you for the amazing response to the last chapter, I appreciate all your comments even if I can't respond individually. I want to cover the key issues as I see them, so there will be a bit more angst and conflict while they table those with Dr Burke and each other. There are also some characters seen earlier that need to return for a final bow

A/N2: Flashbacks are in italics.

CHAPTER 29

Kate was at first stunned that Rick would retreat to the safe zone, as she had hoped that the talk of children would be happy for both of them. But then she reviewed her words and realised that she was again making decisions, or at least assumptions, for both of them, and when he called her out on it, she deflected and got defensive, almost like she was trying to pick a fight to divert from it. She knew that he was right about her need for perfection, needing to be fully in control of all factors before she took the leap. But parenthood was certainly not like that, as she remembered her mother telling her a long time ago.

She had just turned 18, getting ready to head off to Stanford, and she'd had a sort of argument with her mother about being old enough to live out of home and take care of herself.

"Yes, I know, Katie, but you will always be my baby and I will always worry about you. You will understand when you have kids of your own."

"No, I think by the time I have kids I will be set up so either they go to a local college, or I move with them, and not let them out of my sight." Kate was joking, because she couldn't see that happening at all, but her mother wouldn't let it go.

"Katie, you can never plan for that. Things will never be perfect for you to have children; you need to let it happen when it happens, while you are still young enough to enjoy them. Your dad and I didn't plan to have you when you came along, but it was the nicest surprise we could ever have. And if we had waited longer, the chance would have been taken from us, as you know. So seize the day, as the saying goes, do the things you want to do as soon as you can, because you never know what tomorrow holds." Her mother had hugged her then, conveying her love and fears for her daughter in the strength of her embrace, like she didn't want to let go. Eventually Kate eased out of her arms when her father could be heard moving around in the next room.

Kate had forgotten that conversation until just now, when she was talking about kids with her husband, and she again felt the pang of loss for her mother, who would never meet Rick, or get to cuddle and spoil her grandchildren. That thought was what finally decided her. She wanted kids with Rick, and as soon as they were emotionally ready; they would have been three months ago, after she took up the role of Captain, with less field work and more flexible hours. She had ruined that, but she could rectify things now, and move forward. She stood and walked through the loft in search of Rick, meeting him just at the foot of the stairs as he was on his way down, his face calm but resigned.

"Rick, I am sorry again. It feels like that is all I say to you, apologising for hurting you. I do want kids with you, as soon as we both feel our marriage is in a place for it. I know we were almost there when I was promoted to Captain, so as soon as we can get back to that place again, I am ready. What do you say?" She had her heart in her eyes as she looked at him, letting him see she was serious.

Rick was taken aback by her declaration, as he had assumed she would want to talk about something else for a while, and come back around to the conversation about kids at a later date. She looked so earnest that he knew she had made her decision and would stick to it. His only response was to reach out and pull her into his arms, hugging her close, and kiss the top of her head.

Rick had also been thinking in the guest room, but not about babies. He knew there would be more talking involved before that issue was resolved, and so he turned his mind to the other piece of homework that Dr Burke had set him, about how we compensated for his feelings of abandonment. It was not an easy task, because he had buried those feelings deep, but obviously not deep enough if they were still impacting his life and his relationships.

As he said to Dr Burke, he didn't really know he was missing his dad until he was around more kids with normal families, and he reacted to the teasing with violence, resorting to fighting when it was brought up. He only asked his mother a couple of times about his father, and was summarily dismissed both times that he got the hint and never asked again. When he was older, he liked to pretend that his father was someone important, off doing important work to save the world, so it wasn't really abandonment. His fertile imagination allowed his father to be anyone he wanted – astronaut, baseball player, brain surgeon - all worthy selfless professions. He had also imagined him to be a spy, but the truth was too close to the bone, when he eventually met him, and he had admitted to no one that when Jackson told him he was proud of him, he almost cried.

He hadn't told Dr Burke, but he realised now that Kyra had also abandoned him, flying off to London and a new life. He hadn't followed her, hadn't known that she wanted him to, and their meeting a few years ago, during her interrupted wedding, was bittersweet. At the time, being the young, newly wealthy author, he had thrown himself into the celebrity lifestyle, replacing Kyra with a succession of gorgeous but shallow women. That had ended abruptly when Meredith announced she was pregnant, and paved the way to another abandonment. With her, he could see for a while that there was something else going on, but he was in denial because he was so desperate for a family. So his need for a two parent family for his child, like he never had, prompted him to give Meredith whatever she wanted as long as she stuck around for Alexis, and when she left them and moved to the West Coast, he welcomed her back whenever she dropped into their lives, to give Alexis the time to spend with her mother whenever possible. He also allowed Meredith back into his bed, to reaffirm that he was still desirable to her, even though deep down he knew he wasn't the only one in her affections. He was just convenient, but he allowed himself to be used that way for the few days of family cohesion it would provide.

Gina hadn't abandoned him, but she also didn't want all of him, as he revealed to the therapist. She wanted Richard Castle the best-selling author, the celebrity lifestyle and the perks to go with it. He wanted a mother figure for his daughter, but at the same time he didn't allow Gina the full access to Alexis that she would have required to be that figure. The inconsistency in their desires had doomed that relationship from the start, but still he hung on, again giving Gina the things he thought she wanted, until they couldn't even be in the same room without starting a fight, and the tension between the four people sharing the loft was unbearable. Gina wasn't even living there by then, having never relinquished her apartment, (that should have been a sign right there) and when she took the last of her things back after their last fight, he didn't even have the energy to stop her. He devoted his time to Alexis because that was one relationship he was extremely proud of, and he vowed anew that he would never abandon her.

Rick realised with a start that he had been upstairs for over 40 minutes, reminiscing about his failures as a partner and husband. He had tried to give them gifts, money, space, whatever they wanted, just so they would stay, but it wasn't enough. He wasn't enough. So he hid behind his playboy persona, playing the arrogant jackass, regularly on Page 6 with a different woman on his arm each time, but he would end the night alone, watching his daughter sleep and thanking all the gods that he had her.

He made some notes about his musings, and then headed downstairs, meeting Kate at the bottom of the stairs.

TBC