I had never seen Levi look so… upset.

I mean, for a moment there, it almost seemed as though he was going to cry. He had pressed his face into the back of my shoulders, and I could have sworn I felt wetness there. How could that be? How could my strong, brave soldier have been brought to that height of emotion by me?

It made me wonder, not for the first time, how Levi actually felt for me.

I asked myself, how did I feel about him?

When I thought about all the moments we'd shared together… From the time I'd seen him fighting in the ring at the MMA gym, to the time I held him naked in my arms in Mali, to the first time we'd succumbed to our passion for each other… To the tender moments we'd shared in Paris, on the Eiffel tower… Each moment I'd spent with Levi, we fell closer and closer to each other, until I felt like every breath I took, he took with me.

I was falling in love with him.

The idea scared me, thrilled me, and made me feel intense guilt. Guilt because… I felt as though I might have been pushing myself, and my feelings, onto him. Levi wasn't ready. I knew that. It had all happened so fast.

When we walked into the door of our shared hotel room, I knew that Levi was pulling away. He walked into the bathroom, and I heard the shower go on, and it was ages before he came out again. I was weary, exhausted, emotionally drained. I couldn't wait for him to pull himself together. So I crawled into bed, with every intention of staying awake until he joined me again, but next thing I knew I had fallen asleep.

I woke up some time later, with Levi's hand stroking itself through my hair, gently. He was so tender sometimes, it made me ache inside. I could smell the clean, damp, fresh-out-of-the-shower Levi and it made me sigh and burrow further into the pillow.

He must have thought I was still asleep, because he started murmuring to me in a low voice.

"I thought you were dead. God, kid. You don't know what you're doing to me. If anything happened to you because of me, I'd never forgive myself. You are sunlight, and joy, and all things good in my world. I don't deserve you."

Levi sighed, and he got up from the bed, and I heard the rustling of his clothes. He must have been getting dressed, but I was still hazy in sleep, and I felt awkward about rousing myself. He didn't really want to talk to me.

He did come back to sit next to me on the bed. He didn't touch me this time, but he did whisper to me, "You don't want to fall in love with me, kid. All I do is tear things apart. I'm not a good person. I'm a killer. God, I don't want that for you. I want you to stay clean and fresh and whole. I want you to fall in love with someone who deserves you, and who can give you what you need. I'm just… I'm broken. I'm fucked up. Christ."

This time, when he got up, he didn't come back to bed.

I woke up the next morning by the telephone ringing shrilly beside me, startling me awake. I flailed and fumbled at the phone, and after dropping it once, I groggily got the handset to my ear.

"Whosit?"

"What the fuck are you doing?" Jean growled in my ear. "You were supposed to be downstairs 10 minutes ago. We're checking out, we're headed home."

"Ohshit. Wha? Levi's supposed to wake me up."

I could hear Jean sigh exasperatedly. "Levi's gone, dumbass. He's already left town to deal with some shit or another. The rest of us are all headed to the airport, so get your shit together and get downstairs, pronto."

Then the dick hung up on me.

I stumbled to my feet, and I dragged myself into the shower for a quick rinse, then dressed faster than I could manage, my fingers fumbling my buttons. I felt so fucking tired.

By the time I threw my belongings into my bag, and hightailed it down there, everyone was waiting for me. I handed my room key to Erd, who gave me a sympathetic look, and went to check us all out.

Armin and Mikasa cornered me. "You all right?" Armin asked, concerned.

I shrugged. "I guess. Levi took off?"

Mikasa glared and nodded. "He didn't even bother to tell you?"

I shook my head numbly.

"What an ass," she swore, hands on her hips.

I wanted to leap to Levi's defence, but for once I was just too tired. And for once, Armin didn't back me up either. His lips just pressed together in a line.

"I kind of thought you two looked like you were maybe starting to get along," he said sheepishly.

I licked my lips, running my hands through my hair. "I guess not," I grumbled.

"All right guys," Nanaba called out, clapping his hands. "Taxis are waiting outside. File in."

I hung back, shooing Armin and Mikasa along, and went to wait for Erd. When he finished the last of the logistics, and saw me waiting for him, he raised an eyebrow.

"Sorry for asking this," I said, shoving my hands in my pockets. "But you're the only one who knows, so… Levi didn't leave any kind of message or anything for me?" I tried to keep the hope out of my voice.

Erd gave me a sympathetic look, but shook his head. "Sorry, Eren."

I sighed. So much for that.

Erd put a hand on my shoulder, keeping me back for a moment. "Look – I know it's none of my business, but Levi is a really complicated guy. He's been through a lot, and it's been a long time since he's let anyone get as close as you. Don't take it personally if it freaks him out. He'll come around."

I didn't hold out much hope of that, but I dredged up a smile for Erd anyway. "Sure."

A few hours later, we were all on a plane, a commercial jet this time, cramped in tiny seats with hundreds of other passengers. I was packed in between Armin and Mikasa, and Armin spent the majority of the trip showing me pictures of the places that they'd gone to on their time off. I didn't have the heart or the right to fish out the one picture I'd taken, on the Eiffel tower. It made my gut ache to think of it.

"So, seriously," Mikasa asked after a while, and I groaned internally knowing what was coming. "What's going on with you and the shortie?"

I tilted my head back, closing my eyes. "Absolutely nothing," I said, and it wasn't even a lie.

"You have feelings for him though, don't you?" Armin murmured.

I shrugged, still not looking at either of them. "It wouldn't matter even if I did. Levi's a closed book. He's certainly decided that I'm the last person he'll open up to."

"And yet you keep putting yourself out there, time and again, for him," Mikasa grumbled.

Now I did open my eyes, to turn and glare at her. "Yes, Mikasa. I do. And I'll tell you one thing, I wouldn't change a bit of it. It's my choice to be there for him, and even if he never loves me back, I'll always be there. I'll be the one constant in his life, the one he can count on, the one he comes home to when the rest of it gets too thick. And I don't even care if he returns my feelings or not because mine sure as shit aren't going to change."

"Oh, Eren," Armin sighed. "That's going to tear you apart."

Now him too? Jesus fucking Christ. "What would tear me apart is to distance myself from him. If something happened to him, and I knew that I could have done something to prevent it, I'd never forgive myself. He's given everything of himself, time and again, to serve our country. He's defended people, saved lives, and risked his own, and he's never asked for anything in return. And no one even knows what he's done, except us."

"Why is it always about him?" Mikasa snapped. "When is it going to be about you?"

"That's not going to make it any easier for you," Armin pointed out reasonably.

"Actually, it is. Because it's not a fucking debate in my mind. I'm here to stay, whether he likes it or not. And everyone, including you guys, is going to have to get used to it."

Armin just gave me a sympathetic glance, the kind that just lights a fuse inside me and makes me want to pummel someone. But I was stuck on this plane for another two hours, and couldn't. I just settled for ending the conversation by plugging in my earphones and plugging in the first mindless action flick I could find on my screen, effectively shutting out all communication.

It felt weird, going home with Mikasa, back to our place. I put my things away, did my laundry, fell into bed, slept, woke up, and nothing had changed. I still hadn't heard from Levi.

I went to class. I went to kickboxing. I did my volunteering. I played basketball with Connie and the others. A whole week went by, and I heard shit all.

We showed up at Survey Recon for a debrief, and Hanji grilled us on all the details, extracting everything that we knew – but Levi was nowhere to be found.

I stayed afterwards, telling the others to go home without me, and asked Hanji to have a little time to talk. She took me to her office, below Levi's, and sat me down in a chair across from her desk, while she propped her hip on the desk and crossed her arms, looking down at me.

"Shoot," she invited me with a grin.

"How is Titan?" I asked.

Hanji raised her eyebrows, surprised. "He's good. He doesn't like me as much as he does Levi, but he always eats a lot when Levi's gone, so he's put on weight. He seems fine."

So Levi was still out of town. I frowned.

"How are you?" she asked me.

I shrugged. "Everything has healed up fine. My shoulders aren't sore anymore, and all my wounds have closed up."

"Mind if I take a look?"

She was the resident doctor, so I didn't feel the right to refuse her. I pulled my shirt over my head, and turned my back to her. She ran her hands over my back and whistled. "Not even a scar left to show for it," she said in awe.

I shrugged my shirt back on. "I don't scar easily."

She laughed. "That's an understatement. Would you be willing to go through some tests?"

I eyed her. "What kind of tests?"

She had a glint in her eye, though I could tell she was damping down a bit on her enthusiasm for my benefit. "Simple stuff. We'll start with making a small incision in your skin, and seeing how long it takes to heal. Then we can try larger incisions. Abrasions. Even small burns, that sort of thing."

Great. Lab rat. Just like Levi had warned me. I screwed up my nose.

Hanji got a mischievous twinkle in her eye. "We can make it a trade. Every time you come to me for a session, I'll tell you whatever you want to know about Levi."

I hardened my jaw. "What makes you think I give a shit about Levi?"

"Ah ah ah, come on now Eren, can't fool a clever girl like me. So? Take it or leave it."

I wanted to think about it, but in the end I decided what the hell. If she did something I wasn't comfortable with, I'd just tell her to back off. "When do you want to start?"

"How about right now?"

I started, giving her the once-over. She was completely serious. In fact, she was opening her drawers and pulling out her medical kit. Next thing I knew, she'd put a scalpel on the desk between us, shining.

I gulped. Did I really want to do this? "What do you want me to do?"

"Roll up your sleeve. I'll make a series of small incisions, of varying lengths and depths, in your upper arm where they're easily hidden by your clothes. You then take follow-up pictures once every 12 hours."

Oh Christ, I really was going to do this. I rolled up my sleeve, and in under 5 minutes, she'd made the incisions. She wiped the blood away until they stopped bleeding, then taped a small tape measure to my arm and took photographs. All in all it only stung a little, so it wasn't so bad.

"So, fire away," she said gleefully.

"Where is Levi?" I asked right away.

"He's at his country house."

"How long has he been there?"

Hanji gave me a look. "Since you all got back from Paris. He needed a little R&R. He never took a break since he got back from Mali, and trust me, he's a little fucked up in the head right now."

I picked at a loose thread on my jeans, avoiding looking at her. "Does he… talk about me?"

Hanji paused before answering that one. "Sometimes."

"What does he say?"

She sat down on her desk again, having put all her stuff away. "Not much. Only that you make him confused. That he's worried he's losing control. In case you haven't noticed, our short leader is a bit of a control freak."

I bit my lip. "You told me once that I was being a spoiled brat. I took you seriously then, and I backed off. I have really tried my best to give Levi what he needs. But I don't understand what he needs now."

Hanji drummed her fingers on her desk. "Honey, I don't think even Levi knows what he needs."

"What would you do, if you were me?"

Hanji barked out a laugh. "I'm not exactly one for subtlety. If it were me, I'd charge in there and break down all his barriers before he has a chance to build them up again. But if you asked him, or Erwin, they'd tell you to give him his space, let him get himself in control again before you see him again."

I thought about that one for a while. In the end, the choice had to be up to me.

"What's the address of his country house?"

I guess I, too, have very little self-control, because a couple of hours later, I was speeding down the highway on my way to Magog. It was a small city in the Eastern Townships, close to Sherbrooke, that had a beautiful lake. My classic Pinto didn't have a GPS, so I had printed out directions old school style and was squinting trying to figure out which little road I'd missed, or which windy one I should have turned at.

When I drove around the lake, I was amazed by the beauty of this place. It was only an hour and a half outside of Montreal, but it was like I'd crossed into another place, one that was timeless in its beauty. The trees were arching above, still gloriously green in the tail end of summer. The cicadas were buzzing in the wind, and the crickets were chirping, and the birds singing. This whole place just felt so… alive.

I finally found the turnoff I was looking for, with the number that I had scribbled on my sheet of paper. There was a winding driveway, and I drove underneath a canopy of birch trees to wind around to the house in the back. The house was a beautiful cottage, two storeys, painted blue and grey. There was a garage, and next to the house was a thriving garden, and a firepit. The driveway was next to the house, and looked out onto the lake down below, which stretched out glistening and clear. In the distance, I could see a couple out canoeing, and a fishing boat anchored in the bay. I could hear laughter in the distance, children swimming or playing around the bend no doubt.

When I got out of the car, I was arrested by the sight of a huge blue heron taking flight overhead, its wings outstretched, regal beak tilted. It flapped its wings and flew across the lake and alighted on the bank, folding its huge wingspan to its back again in a way that should have been impossible but that was another of nature's miracles.

I didn't spot Levi right away, and rather than going straight to the house, I decided to walk down to the lake. It was so close, and the water was just beckoning me. I walked down the lawn, and at the bottom there was a little bit of sandy beach. I took off my sandals, and rolled up the bottom of my jeans, and waded in the water to my ankles. It was cold, but not frigid. And I could see little tiny fishies swimming around my feet!

I heard a sound like an elastic band strumming, and looked around for the noise. What the hell animal made a noise like that? I stayed as still as possible, finally figuring out that it was the frog, bigger than my fist, that was perched on the rock yonder.

I splashed about in the water for a while, kind of laughing to myself and wondering how much of an idiot I looked like doing it, but I couldn't help it, it'd been forever since I'd been to the country. It was amazing. Every little detail.

There was a little dock that led out onto the lake, at the end of which was a bench. I walked out onto the dock, and then sprawled out onto the bench, drinking in the afternoon sunlight, my arms draped over the bench behind me. I felt so relaxed.

I might have sat there for half an hour, or an hour, I'm not sure, but by the time I stretched and got back to my feet, I was feeling in general much more at ease. The country could do that to a person. It reminded you that all of your worries were just splashes in the ocean compared to the ticking clock of life.

I walked back up in the direction of the house, shading my eyes as I peered up at the deck, then I jumped nearly a foot in the air and screeched when I saw Levi standing at the railing, watching me.

"Holy shit!" I swore.

Levi's face was in shadow, but his tone was wry as he said, "You're the one who surprised me, showing up here uninvited. Hanji tell you where I was?"

I scratched the back of my head. "Yeah," I admitted.

He stood there for a moment, just looking at me. Then he turned and walked into the house, calling out behind him, "Want some tea?"

I scrambled up the stairs onto the porch, and followed him into the house, wiping my feet carefully on the mat. "Sure," I agreed breathlessly.

I watched Levi move about the kitchen, drinking him in like a sight for sore eyes. He looked so casual, his feet bare, his legs poking out of the bottom of some damned sexy cut-off jeans, wearing a tank top that bared the muscles of his shoulders. Damn.

Every move that he made was graceful, no movement wasted. In minutes he had prepared the tea, one of his special blends, and the aroma of peppermint and chamomile wafted up my nose.

Levi pushed my mug across the counter to me, picking up his mug by the top and drinking in his usual manner. He peered at me over the top of his hand.

I took my cup gingerly, as it was still steaming, and blew across the top of it before taking a tentative sip. The liquid was hot, but soothing.

"I'm sorry I was such an asshole in Paris," Levi said before I even had a chance to say anything.

I goggled at him, shocked. I was expecting that it was I who was going to have to apologize for something. He had so completely thrown me off track I didn't know what to say.

Levi smiled that wry little smile that he saved just for me, and reached out a finger to tap my jaw shut. "You're catching flies."

I closed my mouth, blinking.

After a minute, when I still didn't say anything, he propped his hip back on the counter and looked at me. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have left like that. But you scared me, deeply. I lost someone, once. Someone that I cared for. And it almost tore me apart. But…"

Levi trailed off, looking down into his mug like it held the answers he was seeking.

"..But?" I urged him to continue.

Levi looked up at me, raising his chin. "But what I felt for him wasn't even close to what I feel for you. Eren, I can't lose you. I won't."

…Was that a confession?

I furrowed my brow, not wanting to put words in his mouth. "You won't lose me," I said, instead of asking the question that I wanted to ask.

Levi clenched his jaw, then took a sip of his tea. "You're right. I won't. But that's because I'm not going to let you out of my fucking sight from now on."

"Huh?"

I swear to God, this conversation was just throwing me for a loop. I had been expecting to come in here, grovelling for his forgiveness, promising not to do anything stupid in the future. Instead, he was confessing his feelings and… what?

"Move in with me," Levi mumbled.

I nearly dropped my mug.

That wasn't what I was expecting him to say. We weren't even really officially dating.

I guess I was silent for too long, because Levi had turned around again, and was fussing about with the teapot. "I know it's probably too soon, you probably don't even like me that way, so, feel free to say no, and it won't change anything between us. Unless you want it to."

Holy shit, this was really happening.

I put my cup down on the counter, and walked over to him, ghosting my hand over his back and settling it in the small of his back. I inhaled the fresh smell of his shampoo, as I leaned over him and plucked his mug out of his hand. "Are you asking me to be your boyfriend?"

"I'm asking you to move in with me," he mumbled.

I ran my hand up his back, in one long stroke, then sifted it through his hair, making him tilt into me like a cat. "As what? Your roommate? Your friend?"

"My lover," he whispered.

I caressed the side of his neck, and leaned over his back, ghosting my lips over the shell of his ear. "Your lover? But I thought no one was supposed to know?"

Levi fisted his hands on the counter. "I know," he growled. "Erwin will have my hide… But I don't give a shit. I want you… no, need you close to me."

I let my arms slide around him from behind, hugging him around his waist as I burrowed my face into his neck. "You're willing to put everything on the line for me?"

"Yes," he hissed.

I squeezed him tight, pouring all my feelings into that hug. Levi sighed into my arms, tilting his head back against my shoulder like he had finally come home.

"I want to move in with you," I groaned against his ear. "But I don't want to drive a wedge between you and Erwin."

"Erwin can go fuck himself," Levi growled. "I'm the leader of Survey Recon and I'll run it how I damned well please."

I laughed, loving this side of him. I squeezed him tighter when his arms came up around mine, and I let my fingers toy with the hem of his pants.

"We'll find a way," I promised him. "Even if we have to say we're just roommates, or even if we have to sneak around, whatever."

"Does that mean yes?" he asked breathlessly.

"Yes," I agreed huskily, planting a kiss underneath his ear that made him inhale sharply.

"Oh God I've missed this," Levi groaned, arching back against me.

I couldn't have agreed with him more. Every time Levi and I were apart, it felt like a rubber band drawn taut, and we were bound to crash into each other again. When we were together, even when it was painful, it was also the most intense relief. I'd never felt this way about anyone, and I hoped that I never did again. I wanted him close to me.

I kissed down the column of his throat, inhaling his scent, then I bit the tender flesh between neck and shoulder, making him moan. I sucked the skin, marking him as mine, everyone else be damned.

Levi palmed my hand onto his stomach, and I pulled us together, pressing on his abdomen to bring his back flush against my front.

Levi finally turned in my arms, his hands braced on my hips as he looked up at me with his soul in his eyes. He was bare to me, and I could see that he was drowning in the need to be with me, because it was the same look that was echoed in my eyes.

I pressed my hands into his cheeks, tilting his head back gently and cradling his neck as I angled him. When I kissed him, he opened up immediately, his tongue brushing up against mine, searching, and I could feel him trembling with need.

"Levi," I whispered, and kissed him again. He tasted like peppermint and chamomile, and like home. I stroked his cheeks with my thumbs as I kissed him tenderly, our mouths meeting and parting in a slow dance.

When I finally pulled back, our lips lingered together.

"Fuck," Levi swore finally.

I nuzzled his nose with mine. Then I couldn't help it, I kissed him again. All I had running through my mind on repeat was him asking me to move in with him. Levi wanted me, he wanted me with him, just as much as I wanted him. I felt the passion that we had for each other simmering under the surface, but in this moment, I also felt the tenderness.

If I didn't know better, I would have almost called it love.