Fearless
Disclaimer: The only things I own are my own ideas and characters and the Gaia-awful situations I put them through.
A/N: Wow, I think this is the first chapter since, like, number nineteen that's been this short. Well, okay, not short, but you know. In comparison to 7,000 or whatever, yeah, this is short. It's like 4,000-something. But anyhoo, a LOT of drama/angst stuff goes on! So it should be worth it :) All I'm gonna say is: feel free to scream at the computer screen, hoping to somehow reach me here in my room O_o ...That came out a lot creepier than I had anticipated. Ahem. Anyways. . . .
DarkAssassin: Hahahaha, glad you enjoyed that. I did the same exact thing Diana did when I was kinda new to the fanfiction lingo, so, you know... Like, I have nothing against that or the people who write it, it just isn't quite my cup of tea, you know? Thought it would be pretty hilarious for our SOLDIER friends to encounter a fan site XD Thanks for reading and laughing at my weird humor!
Sarah: Thanks ^^ And...well...we shall see about all that... *ominous background music starts up* Don't kill me for this chapter :) Glad to see you're still with us. I shall, and thanks!
Sayonara: Yeah, those clipboards really need to be burned. (Can you burn a clipboard? 'Cause they're all funky and plastic-ized, you know? It would probably smell awful-wow, Puppy-like ADD, anyone?) Yeah, no, those two kinda did epically fail. Well, okay, so Di basically just completely shot down the nasty one, but still. And Zack...oh Zack. What are we going to do with Zack. Yeah, he sure is one heck of a ladies' man, and that's kinda his downfall...read on and you'll see what I mean! :) Thanks for the review.
Shatter: Ohhhh yes, Zachary does indeed have a lot of explaining to do for Diana. You will definitely see what I mean by the end of this chapter. And yes, actually, that basically is what the guy was XD Just meant to be a total ass. (With a rod up it, too.) It was funny, 'cause I got the idea for him from my Dad, who was complaining about the annoying auditors ("everyone hates auditors") visiting his office the other week. Hahaha, yeah, I thought that was a fun little addition. Those three are so scarred for life. I thought it woudl be kinda interesting for Diana to be on a mission with Zack and Shane, for a change. Like, it's always Cloud, you know? I felt like Shane needed a little bit more in the character development department. And now we know that Zack is an extremely restless and heavy sleeper! :D Oh Zachary. Poor Diana. Poor Shane-he got the less desirable end of Zack, after all, if you know what I mean. *gasps* Om nom! Yay ^^ Hahahahahaha epic win! I shall cherish this cake forever! Even once it's eaten. Thanks for the beastly cake and review! Enjoy :)
Ultimate: YOU SURE AS HECK HAD BETTER BE READING THIS BY NOW XD i looooove you... ^^
Thanks for following along, read on and with any luck at all enjoy! :)
Chapter 29: Leaning Too Far Over the Edge
-The following week-
"You've been hanging out with her?" Tifa couldn't keep the disbelief out of her voice.
Diana shrugged, slightly uncomfortable. "Okay, I know her rep and all, but I nearly ran her over by accident in the lobby and I thought 'oh damn beeotch is gonna kill me' and all, but she started talking to me like I was an actual person. We were walking the same way, so first I figured I should be polite, but she's not actually all that bad!"
"Uh-huh…" Tifa said warily. "Yeah, I trust your judgment, but for me… I dunno. Like, maybe not," she carried on vaguely.
"Oh, no, I totally get that." Diana waved her hands. "Obviously we're different. People work differently." She took a good look at her friend and laughed. "Goddess, Teef, she's not my best friend or anything! Chill! I'm just saying I'm not so judgmental of her anymore. Yeah, she can still be kinda bitchy, and she judges people herself, but hey, I like for people to know and like me. It's like keeping up good foreign relations or something."
Tifa laughed at that and relented. "Yeah, I get it. I hear she's the queen of gossip, though—heard anything good?" she joked.
Diana's expression froze momentarily. "About that."
Tifa blinked. "Wait, what? Seriously? What has she told you?"
"Honestly, it's been more like me finding my own evidence…"
So she told her best friend about Zack's supposed 'record' and reputation: that which she had accidentally overheard last week on the mission.
"—And I don't know what to do about it!"
"Look, I know you're gonna hate me for this, but why don't you just confront him about it?" Tifa rubbed her temples.
"Yeah, that or…"
"… What."
"That or…end it."
Now Tifa gaped at the brunette. "Seriously?"
"If he's not going to figure himself out and do something about it, or take me seriously, then yes." Diana folded her arms stubbornly. Zack's problem was that he was just h-o-t and did he ever know it. That had apparently evolved into the unfortunate 'I-can-have-anyone-so-I'll-just-have-everyone' syndrome.
"…Well, good. Just make sure you make the decision for yourself." That was all she left her friend with to mull over.
-Friday, 26 July-
Diana paced restlessly back and forth across the floor next to her bed. Her head hurt… She grasped it in both hands.
Air. I need air.
She ran out the door, her breathing somewhat shallow, not even bothering to make her steps quiet. She thudded along a familiar path, through the mysteriously perpetually unlocked door, and breathed deeply again, emerging into the sunlight that was filtering through the thin clouds.
The roof was flat and dry, and unchanged as it had always been. The little holes in the concrete were free of dirt, but a fine film of smoky dust got into the cracks, marring the smooth gray surface. The neighboring roofs were at the same level as this one, giving the area the appearance of a bleak, unending desert. Yet there was something serene about the pure continuity of the environment, forever the same, unchecked, unchallenged. But eventually, the everlasting expanse came to an end with the invasion of a sector wall, and ultimately, the edge of the plate. Then it just dropped off into infinity, the unalterable end unclear nonetheless. The edge was there, of course, but it was blissfully out of sight and therefore out of mind, and no one bothered to take a closer look to try and spot it. It was a calming feeling to stand in the middle of the plains of forever, knowing that that edge was out there, if out of sight. Maybe that door was meant to stay unlocked. Diana stood there for minutes on end, just breathing, her eyes closed, the light dancing across her eyelids and creating flickering orange patterns among the black.
And then a voice. Sooner or later, someone stumbled upon a telescope, and that far-off edge was thrown into sharp relief, suddenly just at your feet.
"It is you. Knew I'd find you up here."
She spun around to get an armful of Zack. He hugged her tightly and finally released her, grinning. "See? You didn't attack me this time!"
She chuckled softly, glancing down. "I guess not. That's an improvement."
"No kidding!" he laughed. "Goddess, Di, where've you been? I thought you'd dropped off the face of the earth!"
"No, not quite…" she murmured, looking off to the side absently.
His brow creased and his face invaded her line of sight. "Hey. You okay?"
She looked into his eyes and gave an internal sigh. She supposed she was rather going to miss this…no! It had to be done. She just couldn't quite grasp the fact that she was about to say the things she was. She steeled herself, her own eyes melting into gray. "Actually, Zack, I wanted to talk to you…"
She was off running again, her hair flying wildly behind her, the occasional group of people scattering to get out of her way. She was a volatile bombshell, unexpected but suddenly very much a reality. She radiated desperation and dread and disjointed thoughts, and the potential to detonate at the slightest touch.
"Is Diana in here?" Zack asked in a panic, bursting into his friends' dorm.
"Why?" Cloud frowned. "Zack, what— Zack! What's going on? Wait!" He yelled and tore off after his friend, his book falling to the floor in a rustle of papers.
"Tifa!"
She flew out of her room, eyes wide. "What!"
"She's not here, either, damn—"
"Zack, what are you— Cloud! What's—"
"Come on!"
"What? I don't—" But she followed all the same, flinging her gloves to the side.
She was a blur streaking through the mazelike corridors and buildings of Shinra. She didn't know where to go. Where wouldn't he find her? She couldn't pretend to be Devon—not yet. Not now. She didn't want to see Zack until she absolutely had to. And she knew he'd go straight to Tifa…
Abruptly, she tore around a corner and slammed into a wall of red and black.
"Sorry!" she fairly screeched, trying to get around whatever…
"Diana?" came a deep voice from above her.
She looked up. "Angeal? Genesis? …Oh, thank Gaia. Hide me, please!" She looked frantically from one to the other, eyes wide. "Really, I really, really need your help right now!"
Angeal cocked his head to the side, turning to his friend.
Genesis shrugged.
Angeal shrugged.
Genesis grunted.
"Where to?" the auburn-haired First turned to her.
"Anywhere—shit!" she uttered under her breath as she glanced behind her, and caught sight of a narrow alcove in the stone wall of the courtyard. "Cover for me!" she whispered, fitting herself neatly into the deep, shadowed nook.
The two men nodded in agreement, not asking questions just yet, and casually engaged in conversation for about a second and a half.
"Angeal!"
Diana closed her eyes, her shaking hands clutched to her chest. His voice sounded strained; confused; in pain.
"What in Gaia's name are you doing, Zack?" came the calm reply.
"Have you seen—" he swallowed— "Diana?"
She squeezed her eyes tighter. Did he have to say her name like that? So easily, so effortlessly, like it meant something important, something cherished?
"Can't say I have. Tried the city—?" Angeal began to suggest.
Zack cursed despairingly, and pelted off again.
"One flies away…" Genesis murmured. "…Strife?" he inquired at a second pair of running steps, a third in hot pursuit. "Lockhart?"
"What—is going—on?" Cloud gasped.
"I believe Zachary just went that way—here, I'll come, he looked more than a bit troubled. I'd like to find out what's going on just as much as you do." Angeal led off Diana's two other friends at a brisk pace.
"One is taken prisoner…" Genesis continued, presumably in quoting mode.
When their steps faded from earshot, Diana unfolded her limbs and stepped out of the shadows carefully, eyes fixed on the ground.
She wouldn't look Genesis in the eye, until he spoke again.
"…And the one that is left becomes a hero."
The muddy-gray eyes snapped up to face the aquamarine.
"A…hero?"
He merely shrugged. "My friend, the fates are cruel…"
"No kidding." She suppressed a groan and sat on the ground, hiding her face in her hands.
"Something tells me you are feeling troubled," Genesis remarked after a moment, joining her on the ground.
"Hah!" she let out a slightly hysterical bark of laughter. "A bit. Just a bit. Kind of. Yeah. Can ya tell?"
He blinked slowly at her, forcing the truth out. She finally wrinkled her nose and sighed, relenting. "…IbrokeupwithZack."
It took a second for him to untangle the words. "You what?" he stared. "But I thought…"
"Yeah, so did I," she said dryly.
"…I don't believe we are on the same track there."
"How so?"
"I was about to say that I thought he loved you."
Her breath froze up and down her windpipe.
"And vice versa."
She whimpered helplessly. "I don't know, I just don't know. He never said so, and I…I never…"
He prodded her on with his eyes.
She inhaled deeply. "I never use that word! I never say it. Honestly! My last name is Loveless, for Gaia's sake."
"True. But you can't hide behind your name forever," he pointed out.
Another voice abruptly came back to her. You cannot hide behind your name forever.
"Hey, Genesis… What do you think the Goddess looks like?"
He blinked. "I'm not sure. I…never considered it much before."
"Hm. Well, I'm gonna go… I don't know where. I'll figure something out."
"As you wish. Good…good luck." He held out a hand and she took it, standing.
"Yeah. Thanks. See you around, and tell Angeal thanks." She turned and began to walk off somewhat dejectedly, feeling emptily deflated.
"Wait a moment."
She paused and turned halfway back, looking at the auburn-haired man over her shoulder.
"What were you about to say? What did you think before now?"
She blinked back something violently strong. Too strong for her liking. "…Just…I thought he had changed. I thought…I had changed him. That's all," she said quietly. "Oh, and Genesis—Gaia is a blonde."
She lay facedown in her bed that night, thinking about what had happened and how she could never face Zack while acting as her brother again. She wouldn't be able to speak. She would have to avoid everyone. She couldn't go around as Diana anymore…
She couldn't forget what Scarlet had let slip during one of their casual passing conversations earlier. She had always heard or read the phrase that implied that words kept echoing around in people's heads, and she had always considered it a strange figure of speech. The thing was, it was a pretty accurate way to state it. It just kept coming back to her, the same surprised, confidential tone of voice, those awful little words, and the way her breath had stopped.
Zack was now a proven cheater.
She couldn't burden him anymore with her secrets, either. That was what she had told him. She had to preserve what little sanity she had, and he was one person that it was getting really difficult to hide from. So naturally the solution was to cut off contact that way. She had to try to save his innocence, before he found the key to a lock he hadn't known existed. Now all she had to do was keep others from doing the same. But she wouldn't make the same mistakes over again. Oh, no, she would not.
He had assumed that she had found out about the things he had 'allegedly' done, too, and had tried to tell her that he was different, that half of it was only the product of rumors anyway, but he was only digging a hole deeper for himself.
And her old nightmare from weeks ago was still haunting her.
She now understood the words that had come from Zack's mouth.
It had appeared that they had a good, healthy, caring relationship. But it was a lie from the start, on both ends. She was sure that they had both dreamed about what could have been, and what never would be. If only it were real.
All promises were broken now…and she hated it. Yet it was better to realize the lies…wasn't it? Before they backed each other into inescapable corners and the truth was forced out of everything, bared for the world to see, impossible to hide or ignore any longer. Before the promises had to be revoked, the dream shattered. Before the dawn, because the sun symbolized hope, something she had given up on wishing for long ago. Something she knew she no longer had. It was better to realize those tainted truths, those half-told lies.
…Wasn't it?
Days passed.
Diana no longer showed her face, except for those betraying hours in the night when she slept. The youth and innocence still showed on her face when it relaxed into soft lines. Not even a disturbing nightmare cracked the sphere of calm sleep, and she dreaded the moments when she would have to wake up to begin to pretend again.
Devon no longer spoke. He didn't crack jokes with Cloud. He didn't run off to plot some crazy schemes with Shane. He didn't go with Max to raid the kitchens. He didn't goof off with Zack for no reason at all, solely for the purpose of having fun. In fact, he seemed to shun all human interaction. And no one except the very knowledgeable could quite figure out why.
Diana looked up in a 'what do you want' glare, but it softened slightly once she saw who it was. "Oh. Hi, Genesis."
"Hi." He took a seat next to her. "May I ask what you're doing in an empty courtyard by yourself, looking dejected and lonely?"
She barked a dry half-laugh. "Just being dejected and lonely. I'm good at that."
"I see." He was silent. He knew she would come out with it in a minute or two, if he just stuck around to hear her out.
"Gen?"
"Hm?"
"Aren't you supposed to feel…good…when you get rid of something you don't want anymore?"
"Normally, yes, I would suppose so." He knew where this was going, of course, but pretended otherwise.
She didn't bother beating around the bush for too long, either. "What if I don't? I'm supposed to feel light and free and whatever, but I only…I only feel different and I don't know what it means."
"Well. How so different?"
"I…don't know!" she said in frustration. "I can't even figure out my own thoughts. I've always thought I was pretty well in tune with myself, but apparently not."
"Maybe you're just afraid of facing what you know to be true."
"Absolutely not!" she almost snapped. "—Not afraid. Definitely not that. That can't be it."
"Well, you clearly still wouldn't be wanting to face it, fear or not," he pointed out.
"I—oh." This gave her pause, and she weighed the truth of his words. "Yeah, you're right," she mumbled. "That doesn't mean I have to like it."
"As I often am," he asserted. "And, no, you probably don't like it. You're too stubborn for that," he fairly snorted. "You'd rather cut off your right arm than admit you're wrong or ask for help."
She groaned and dropped her head onto her knees, which were propped up in front of her. "For one thing, you sound like my mother. For another thing, you know me better than I know myself. Tell me how that works."
And it was true, too. If there was one thing that Diana was absolutely horrible at, it was seeing things the way they truly were when they involved her. Sure, she could give a friend advice, or point out the obvious solution as a bystander. When it came to her own issues, however, she was blind and deaf to nearly everything. The only things she comprehended were, unfortunately, those that were sure to convolute her understanding of the truth. She would over-think the simplest, easiest choices, and would unsuccessfully try to shrink down a complicated scenario. Many a friend had rolled their eyes and gone on to state the obvious to Diana, followed by a rare silence and stare of incomprehension from the latter. It never failed, and she found it extremely irritating. And of course, because of this very problem itself, she never recognized it for what it was in the early stages.
Genesis had gotten to know Diana fairly well in the past several weeks. There was just something about surviving life-or-death situations together that had brought them closer, and she had begun to consider him a real friend. A few times, she had even debated the pros and cons of telling him about her situation. But then she remembered that he was best friends with Angeal and Sephiroth, and that idea was quickly scratched. All the same, he was someone to depend on, and she had grown to like the constant of a person in her life whom she didn't have to be careful around or worry about. They never talked about anything particularly important. She figured that maybe all that Loveless stuff had made him smarter after all. He was very into his philosophy and whatnot, with an uncanny sense for human nature, and it didn't really matter what they discussed because he was always so laid-back.
"Well, to be honest, you act like my mother as well, so it evens out." Genesis made a face. "And you just have the same affliction as most human beings."
"Oh, yeah?" she asked dryly, not raising her head. "And what's that?"
"Blindness towards oneself. The inability to see that which pertains to yourself, no matter how great your insight might be into outside matters," he elucidated.
"Oh, thrilling. Does everyone have it this bad, though? I mean really. Come on," she complained, picking her head up and throwing a hand in the air in exasperation.
"Well…" he considered, cocking his head to the side. "No," he confirmed. "Probably not." His voice bordered on a laugh, and Diana called him on it.
"Ah! What's that? Was that a laugh? I think so. Genesis is giggling…!" she sang, in a slightly better mood now than she had been in a day or two. Thank Gaia for Genesis. He might be stoic, but somehow the two of them understood each other unnaturally well.
"I do not giggle," he said stiffly, regarding the young woman out of the corner of his eye. She smiled impishly, and the expression wasn't as strained as he had seen it on previous days. She had been putting on a brave face for a while now, and he couldn't pretend that he wasn't slightly resentful that someone had caused her to feel so completely empty and dejected.
"You're so dang apathetic," she chuckled, hitting him on the shoulder and leaning back against the wall again.
The corner of his mouth twitched up. "I know. Have to keep the image up and all, don't I?"
"Yeah, Gaia forbid someone catch you and Sephiroth drunk together or something—oh, but wait. That already happened, didn't it?" She fixed him in place with a teasing look.
He groaned with more conviction, throwing an arm over his eyes. "Please, don't remind me. Whoever said that SOLDIERs can't get drunk…forget it." It was just too humiliating to remember. Never mind that he had actually been hitting on Diana. Then again, so were half the men in that bar, if only in their imaginations. Genesis couldn't deny that she was a very attractive young woman, even if she was likely to strangle anyone who tried to put the moves on her. Maybe that was just part of her charm.
"What about the hangover? Bet that was a killer, especially once you figured out that there were really loud alarms going off and people going crazy that morning." She raised her eyebrows, gray-hazel eyes glinting in amusement.
"Now that was unpleasant. Especially because Angeal had to come get me that morning. I was so gone, and then he shows up at the door, yelling and swinging that blasted sword in my face…" He exhaled exasperatedly and passed a hand over his eyes. "And then we both had to go charging out there. Ugh. And then you show up, and I'm not even quite sure what happened after that," he snorted. "Another one of your issues: always playing the hero," he grumbled.
"Me?" she laughed shortly. "Nah, not really, I mean, I look out for people, but that's just because of how I was raised, I guess…"
"May I reiterate your mention of SOLDEIRs and their tendency toward altruistic suicide? Now who does that sound like?" he mocked her.
"Oh, fabulous," she snorted. "Gaia, you do know me too well."
And he realized that it was true. He really had grown to know her better recently, and he really rather enjoyed it.
"And I also know that you're going to get yourself into some real trouble these days—" he reprimanded her.
"Aw, Genesis, you really do care," she smirked jokingly.
He realized all too soon that that part was true, too. "Yeah, probably more than I should," he muttered without thinking.
She blinked, but only in slight confusion. Had she heard him right? She turned her head towards him, asking, "What's that supposed to—?"
The only answer she got was Genesis right up close and personal and in her face.
More specifically, kissing her.
Oh my Gods what is going ON here—?
He had hardly even considered what he was doing, and suddenly it was just happening, no planning; not even any conscious decision. For a second he was just as surprised as she was, then he grasped that he was actually enjoying himself. In the next millisecond, he comprehended how wrong that was, and a classic mental panic attack set in. His mind was thrown into disarray, and he broke away quickly, just taking in her shocked gray eyes before losing his nerve completely and making a run for it.
It wasn't right. It was selfish of him, confusing to her, and unfair to them both. So he bolted.
And as for Diana, she sat there in shock, asking herself over and over if that had actually just happened. Confirming that it had didn't seem to help much, though, and she didn't understand what had in fact just happened. Never mind why. So she panicked as well, and ran, looking over her shoulder repeatedly.
Some distance away, Angeal Hewley shook his head. The phrase 'Genesis is obsessed with Loveless' seemed to be taking on a new meaning lately. When was his First Class friend going to learn? When was the enigma known as Diana Loveless going to learn? And when was his unfortunate Puppy going to learn?
He sighed. Just his luck to accidentally stumble across these situations. Why was he always the one stuck in the middle of it all? He wondered for quite possibly the millionth time what he had done in a past life to deserve this.
A/N: AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! *runs in circles around the room shrieking* DON'T SHOOT ME but this was after all intended to be a drama-angst chapter! I don't even know how to summarize all that, so just leave me a review, react to all this madness, scream at me, whatever. Thanks for reading, even if you might now have the urge to commit some good old-fashioned premeditated homicide! I promise it's gonna be okay!
