Advice

In the Jinn home, Eld's mother has the second floor to herself. It's a decent-sized room, more of an attic than anything, and devoid of furniture aside from a small wardrobe and two wire-frame beds. The second bed is Karoline's even if she rarely uses it and prefers to sleep with her lover downstairs. It was here I found Eld that day, sitting on the edge of the mattress, fiddling nervously with the cuffs of his sleeves, rolling them up and straightening them over and over.

"You okay?" I asked him.

"Are they ready yet?"

"Not quite." There was a tense silence between us before I offered, "It's a beautiful day out. The sun's shining, there aren't any clouds, there's no wind."

Eld nodded shortly, staring at nothing.

I gave up fairly quickly. I've never been good with talking to others. "You're gonna be a nervous wreck no matter what I say, aren't you."

The younger man grinned uneasily and looked up at me. "Isn't that how it goes? Weren't you nervous?"

"Yes, but I had a rather humorless and intimidating father-in-law." I laughed and sat down beside him. "Sina forbid Levi have any daughters."

"He would make an interesting parent."

"That he would." I agreed quickly. "You've known Karoline for a long time, yes?"

"Since we were children." The man said, picking idly at a loose thread in his clothes. "Her family passed away in the typhoid epidemic years ago, and my father being my father brought her home to live with us. Told me I had a new baby sister to take care of. We never really saw each other that way. To me, she was always the girl who came to live with us, and she was too attached to her birth family to fully adopt a new one. It sounds corny, I know, but I've loved Karoline right from the start. From the moment I saw her crying on our doorstep, I knew there was nothing I wanted more than to make her smile." He bit his lip. "But it breaks her heart whenever I leave, and I can't make her smile anymore."

It isn't corny at all, I wanted to say.

But I've never been good at talking to people. Really, I never have. "That's something you'll have to get used to, I'm afraid." That's why.

Eld raised his head.

I didn't want to make eye contact, so I turned to the window instead, watching Petra, Levi, and Gunther standing in a rough triangle formation. Petra wore a dress for today, a dark blue cranach design trimmed with white, and Frau Jinn had woven a strand of bluebells through her short, auburn hair, tenderly kissing her brow and telling her, "Not to worry about your hair, dear. You look lovely." She really is a pretty girl. I wonder if one of the other idiots in our circle will figure that out. Gunther, perhaps. Levi is a little old for her and Eld….

I lowered my eyes. "It's not easy living as a Scout and having a family. It has a habit of falling apart without warning."

My friend smiled ruefully. I could tell that without looking at him. "You sound like an old man speaking from experience."

Do I really? "Her name was Maude."

Eld's spine went rigid.

Without thinking or really meaning to, I smiled at her name. It was so long ago, there really isn't much I remember of those days, aside from a few select memories that stand out from the rest. I don't even remember the exact moment of when I met Maude Karimi. It's as though she wasn't there, and then suddenly she was. Her parents bred our military horses, so she was often in the training camp with him and her brothers. More than likely that's when I saw her for the first time. She probably stood out to me because she was half-Arabic, and her father's heritage showed strongly in her dark hair and eyes and her coffee-brown skin. Like all minorities in the Walls, there weren't many left in her race, and I had never seen anyone like her or her brothers before.

"She was a sweet girl." I told Eld. "Proud, quick to smile and laugh, and never quite able to sit still. She would constantly twirl a strand of hair around her fingers while we spoke, the other playing with the pendant around her neck. It was adorable when she did that. On clear days, she would sit at the edge of the field, watching the hand to hand combat training, smiling in tentative admiration.

"I don't know when I realized I loved her, but our relationship was initially an awkward one. We were kids after all. Stupid kids in dumb, young love.

"We married a year after I graduated from the Training Regiment and Samuel, my oldest, was born the following spring. And Anya a fews years after that. Then Miro. She was so happy to have her babies, and I loved them all. Samuel was a good boy, very obedient and well-behaved, never talked back to his mother. Anya was always my little girl, running to greet me whenever I came home. But everything changed after Miro was born. Or rather, I suppose it stayed the same. It just became more apparent to me our house wasn't the stable home it appeared to be." I paused. "Maybe I noticed something was wrong, and I was afraid to say anything."

Perhaps it had started when Samuel was old enough to ask why his father would be gone for great lengths of time. Or maybe it was when I'd been called to my first expedition. Maude was there to see me off, and she was waiting for me when I returned, her hands clasped in prayer while she scanned the survivors for my face. Every expedition since, she waited for me, alone at first, then with Samuel in her arms, then Anya as she held Samuel's hand. But by the the time Miro was born, she couldn't take it any longer. Possibly, it began when our neighbors began spreading those horrible rumors about her, how she was too ashamed to show her face outside the house and kept our children close as a result.

Perchance, it had always been a clear and present fear of Maude's and she just never spoke of it aloud. She kept it all to herself until her fear slowly boiled down into a profound sense of resentment. A relationship can quickly become sour, poisoning years' worth of affection and kindness and loyalty into bitter, bitter hatred.

And it stings like grinding salt into an open wound.

"Are you trying to tell me this is a bad idea?" Eld solemnly asked.

"No, no, not at all!" God dammit, why do I always—! I clapped my hand over the younger man's shoulder, startling him. "I'm simply telling you that when Karoline cries, for Rose's sake, don't look the other way. Don't be afraid to talk to her. It may not always help, but it never hurts. Even if it's just an offer to talk and she doesn't want to, give her time. At least she'll know you'll be waiting for her.

"I was a coward, Eld, I won't deny that. I knew something was wrong and I should've had the courage to do something about it. Either calm her fears or leave the Corps altogether. Don't ever do this to Karoline."

Eld just stared at me, eyes wide, and murmured, "I love Karoline."

"Then she is a lucky woman."

I wanted to say more. I wish I had better advice than that. But I've never been good at talking to people.

Frau Jinn's bed gave a tired creak as I stood, patting Eld on the shoulder and making my way to the rickety stairs. The house and backyard is teeming with a gathering of thirty-odd people, all friends of the family. Thieves and whores and drifters the Jinn family has fed and clothed and sheltered. Their outcasts.

And their family I suppose. The extent of Isaia and Evelyn Jinn's boundless kindness will never cease to amaze me. Eld's harried mother was standing in the corner with her neighbor and the local clergyman, striking through items on her checklist. A pair of children darted past me, followed by their scolding mother as she chased them to the back door where they were intercepted by Levi stepping inside. Startled, he snatched both kids off the ground, holding one under his arm and the other over his shoulder where Petra ruffled the unruly boy's hair. "Hey there, you!" Another woman standing over a kettle in the kitchen yelled to Evelyn the soup was done and the bread was ready to come out of the oven. At that, the clergyman suddenly threw his arms in the air, yelling, "Out! Out! Everybody out and take a seat!"

And somehow amidst all this chaos, I heard a small voice at my side and turned to find none other than Karoline herself peeking at me through a cracked open door. "Do you need something?"

She nodded, poked her head out a little further, and asked in her usual subdued voice,. "Could I ask you for a favor?"

"It'd be pretty damn rude of me to refuse the bride. How might I be of service, my lady?"

Her request was a strange one, I'll admit, but I didn't question her. I just nodded, and she gave me an uneasy smile and slipped back into the room she shared with Eld, shutting the door firmly behind her. Then Gunther grabbed my attention and pointed to the back door, indicating I follow him out.

I had been honest with Eld. It was one of those weirdly pleasant autumn days, the kind that happen in every story but never in real life. The sun was shining, but not in that mocking too cold or too warm way, a calm breeze occasionally made its way through the yard, the grass hadn't quite begun to turn brown yet, and the trees shone red and gold in the light. A truthful autumn day was normally dreary with dying and damp leaves littering the ground, a greying sky promising rain or snow or something in between, and a cold wind often swept through the land. Even if the sun was out, the day seemed heavy somehow, weighing down on a man far too easily.

Or maybe I'm just getting old.

What do you think, Maudie?

-0-0-0-

Author's Notes: I like the name Maude. There's a weird blend of subtlety and strength in that single syllable name.

Hi, it's been a while.

Make this ending of what you will. I'd intended to write this venture as just Oruo's thought to himself, but from the look of that last sentence, I had the odd impression this whole vignette could be a long letter written to Maude. This probably won't be the last time we hear of her, but what do you think? Can we sympathize with Maude or is she a terrible person for what she did? Is Oruo the one at fault or is a failing on both sides?

Attack on Titan/Shingeki no Kyojin is owned by Hajime Isayama.