Chapter 29: I'm Lost Without You (Blink-182)
The one thing I was sure of though was that this baby was serving as a great distraction from my issues.
So much so, that I almost forgot about what would be awaiting me when I got home.
When school ended I headed to Cheerios practice to help with anything that Sue needed.
When I got out onto the field it was empty.
I headed towards the doors to the gym but then I spotted three blondes sitting in a row on they bottom row of the bleachers.
Quinn and Britt sat side by side and Sue sat angled towards them.
They looked like they were having a deep conversation.
Britt had a look of confusion on her face while Q was grinning like an idiot.
Sue was handing Britt a piece of paper and she was kept nodding and looking down at it.
I approached them trying to figure out what was going on.
"Hey."
"San this is amazing!" Q said with sparkling eyes. "I can't believe this is happening!"
"What's going on?" Britt looked up at me but quickly bowed her head again.
Britt knew that despite Quinn's excitement, I was probably going to be upset about it.
We were having one of those silent conversations.
I took a deep breath and looked at Sue who looked like she was just itching to give me whatever news it was.
"Well Lopez your girlfriend here was spotted while she auditioned for Julliard by a major choreographer, I was contacted this morning and now, I have the honor of letting her know that she was just asked to go on Madonna's come back tour."
I now understood the look that Brittany had given me when I had walked up.
We had literally just been planning our lives together the night before but this was the opportunity of a lifetime and no matter what she was about to do to convince me otherwise I wasn't going to allow her to give up her dream.
She would dance, end of discussion.
"When do you go?" I asked, while shoving my hands in my pockets.
I was trying to appear calm and collected although I was freaking out on the inside
"I can't leave you right now, Ana!" Britt said with watery eyes.
"You have to do this Britt Britt, I won't keep you here and you know that this is the opportunity of a lifetime. When does it start?"
"Next September in London, I would leave the first of the month."
I swallowed the despair that I felt.
I wasn't going to allow her to give this up for me even if it killed me inside.
I would wait for her.
"Wow! That's so awesome B!" I said smiling for her benefit.
She looked up at me starry eyed.
"Really, Ana? You aren't mad?"
I was furious but I wouldn't show it.
I walked over and wrapped my arms around her and squeezed tight.
The smell of Britt soothed the rumbling in my gut.
A huge part of me was wishing that I had just gone home instead of searching for Sue because I would have been spared this news for a little while longer.
I kissed Britt on her forehead and then stood back, holding her hands in my own.
"We have to celebrate after all the grieving is done, ok?" I said as I kissed her hands and then released them. "I'm headed home now to help with the funeral arrangements and then I'm going to buy a new phone so I will text you guys, later ok?"
Both Quinn and Britt nodded.
I began to turn away when Sue cleared her throat loudly, I turned around halfway and then looked back at her.
"Hey Lopez, When you come back to school, I want to see you in my office."
She had a slight look of concern on her face and it made me feel happy inside.
Just knowing that she cared enough to want to talk.
"You got it coach." I said before turning back towards the end of the field and walking away.
After I was halfway across the field I began to jog, feeling like I needed to work off the excess anxiety that I was feeling.
I needed to get away from the hurt of Britt leaving me but I didn't want it to be too obvious that I was literally running away from them.
When I got to my building another wave of nausea hit me.
I ran up the steps two at a time and burst through the door.
I heard someone yell out as I went flying across the apartment and into the bathroom.
My stomach ached, my head was pounding.
And then my body was shaking again.
Every time another wave of nausea hit me I cried and shook harder.
I had barely eaten anything all day with the exception of the lollipops and so my stomach felt like it was trying to climb out of my throat.
When I felt like it was safe enough, I stood up and rested my head against my arms on the sink.
After taking a few deep breaths, I chanced a glance in the mirror.
My eyes were sunken in, my face was clammy and pale, and my hands were shaking as I pressed my hands against my cheeks.
I put my hand on my stomach and rubbed where I thought the baby would be.
"You are killing mama today baby."
It was the first time that I had acknowledged that there was a baby at all.
I was terrified to pay too much attention to the baby until I was past my first trimester.
My dry heaving finally stopped and I was finally able to stand on my feet without fear that I would be on my knees again.
I leaned forward on the sink and rested my head on the cool glass of the mirror.
There was a knock on the door.
"Hold on a minute, please?"
I grabbed my mouthwash and swished it around for a minute before spitting it back out.
I stood for a moment waiting to see if I would get nauseous again but it seemed like it had passed for the moment.
My mom stood on the other side of the door.
She held a cup of tea and a bowl of soup.
She smiled at me and gestured for me to climb in my bed.
I nodded and kissed her cheek.
"Bendicion, MamÃ, gracias." I said, as I crawled into my bed.
I was so tired and angry inside so I just sat there allowing her to mother me.
She handed me the cup of tea and placed the soup on my nightstand.
She kissed my forehead and then smiled at me.
My mom seemed satisfied with herself as she tucked the comforter around my hips and fluffed up my pillows.
I knew that she needed to distract herself from the reality that was her life.
In that moment she need to just be my mother and I just needed to feel like someone cared about me.
"I talked to your sisters today. They told me what you talked about yesterday. I'm sorry that I judged you so harshly. I think I'm just frustrated and you were my target. You are all that I have left and I should have treated you better, I will treat you better."
She sat down beside to me and rested her hand on my knee.
She was searching my face for answers similar to what my father had done not too long ago.
I tried to put a smile on my face but I just couldn't muster the energy.
I took a deep sip of the tea and allowed it to soothe the ache in my stomach before I continued.
"Yea well honestly, Mami, I am starting to get used to it. I know that I am kind of hard to be around. That's why I spent so much time alone as a kid, that's why Marco kept me high all the time, and that's why you ended up in Atlanta and now Britt..."
I trailed off feeling like I had already said too much.
She looked hurt at my words but she didn't argue them.
My emotions were out of whack and at my mention of Britt I broke.
I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to fight back the tears that threatened to spill over.
It was futile to fight them.
Mami brushed the tears from my face and then grabbed a tight hold of my hand.
"I'm here now Santana, I'm not leaving you again."
"Well, we will see about that." I mumbled
"What about Brittany?" She asked, ignoring my comment.
"She asked me to be her girlfriend yesterday, finally after so much wasted time we are finally a couple." I searched her eyes for disgust or disappointment but she just looked sad.
"And what's wrong with that, isn't this something that you have wanted forever?"
"Well, other than the fact that I'm still married...wait you don't care?" I had to circle back.
"Santana, I have watched the way you have been with each other for years. Your father and I were just waiting for you to come to us."
"He knew?"
"Aden knew more than he let on. He pushed Marco because he and I felt differently about you being a lesbian. He promised me that if you told him about it...came out to him, he wouldn't push anymore. I'm happy if you're happy and Brittany has always made you happy."
"She does make me happy. I want to marry her someday. She actually wants to help me raise this baby. Can you believe that?"
I eased back into the conversation feeling so much better now knowing that I could have this kind of talk with my mom without judgment.
"I always did like that girl, she is so loyal to you and so tell me what's wrong?"
"She just got offered a job dancing on the Madonna tour."
"Wow! What an honor! You told her to go, didn't you?"
"Of course I did, I couldn't keep her here because of my own mistakes."
"That baby is not a mistake."
"No, it isn't but my dealing with so many guys, was a really big mistake. Getting so drunk that I don't remember sleeping with two people was a mistake but the baby is a blessing."
Mami smiled at me and caressed my cheek with pride.
"Mi'ja, you and Brittany have loved each other from the moment that you met and no matter how far she goes your heart is with her and hers is with you."
"I know, I guess I just got excited about her wanting to help raise this baby, I thought for sure that she wouldn't want to speak to me again. She was excited about it. So, now that I'm excited too, she will be leaving just two months after I give birth."
"Ana, make every moment count from now until then, show her what she has to come home to. Brittany is not like me and your father, she will always be there for you and with you."
