Chapter 29 – Tombstone
The next day, Dean was up early. He got dressed and went down into the kitchen to get something to drink.
Charlie was already sitting in the living room, a steaming mug of tea in front of her, she seemed to be lost in her thoughts.
"Good morning", Dean said and sat down beside her.
She looked up and smiled sadly. "Morning. You're up early."
Dean yawned. "Couldn't sleep any longer. You're up early too."
She nodded. "Couldn't sleep at all."
He grimaced in sympathy and sighed. "I am sorry."
She raised an eyebrow. "For what? It's not your fault!"
He shrugged. "Yes, but… still. I wish I could do something."
Charlie looked at him and took a sip from her tea.
"Have you… I don't know, it's a stupid idea and way too dangerous and all, but have you tried to bargain your way out of this?"
Dean gave her a long look. "Like making a deal?"
Her expression was pained. "Well, no, that would be stupid, right? But…"
She hung her head. "Yes. Like that."
Dean took a deep breath. "Honestly? Yes. But it didn't work."
The sound of porcelain shattering on the stone floor made both of them jump and they spun around.
Sam stood in the doorway, the broken fragments of a tea mug at his feet.
"You did what?"
Dean suppressed the urge to roll his eyes and got up, his hands raised defensively. "Look, Sam, I know this is hard to understand, but…"
Sam cut him off. "No, Dean! I can't believe it! How could you do that?"
Dean groaned. "Sam… I just wanted to help you!"
"And get killed in the process?"
Sam was raising his voice now, he was pale and his eyes glistened angrily.
"Calm down, okay?", Dean asked annoyed, not wanting to start this day with a fight.
"Dean, we have had this conversation! We have talked about one of us making deals. I can't believe you'd be that selfish!"
Now it was Dean's turn to raise his voice. "Selfish? How dare you call me selfish! I was just trying to help you! To free you from that burden! Hell, I tried to trade with freaking Lucifer to save you!"
"You did what?" Charlie stood up as well and stared at him.
Dean shrugged. "Heaven and Hell are sealed. I figured you would need different mojo to summon an archangel and since the cage is not necessarily Hell itself, I guessed the spell was strong enough to get in contact with him. I was right, but that son of a bitch just laughed at me."
Sam stared at him, his eyes big and clouded with so many emotions, Dean could not read what his brother was thinking.
Then, all of a sudden, he spun around and stormed out of the house.
"Great, Dean. Honestly. Good job", Charlie said. "Come on, go talk to him!"
Dean sighed but followed her advice.
He found Sam a few steps down the street, leaning on the railing of a small bridge over an even smaller river.
Dean sighed. "Sam, I am sorry. But… You have to understand, I had to try it. I had to do something to save you!"
Sam did not look at him. "And why did you need to save me, Dean?", he said slowly.
"Because you are my baby brother and I can't lose you!"
At that, Sam turned around. His eyes were filled with tears. "You see? That's the point! All our lives you always wanted to keep me safe, you always wanted me to survive. You traded your life for me, more than once."
Dean shrugged. "Well…"
Sam shook his head. "I wasn't finished. You traded your life – because you could not lose me. You'd rather die yourself than live without me."
He looked straight into his eyes now, tears slowly running over his cheeks. "Have you ever, just for a moment, considered that I would do the same for you? That I have done the same for you? That I, too, can't bear the thought of losing you? That I, too, am kept awake by the worry about you?"
Sam ran a hand through his hair. "You are so busy trying to die for me that you never think about me in the equation! Did it ever come to your mind that I do not want to be saved, I do not want to live if it means that you have to die for that? All these years on the road, all these deals and foul treaties we have made – I always thought you would learn that, but apparently, you didn't."
Dean was still searching for words when Sam continued. "That's what I mean when I say that you are selfish. Should you make a deal, I am going to stop it. And if it means that I have to die for that, I will, Dean, because I am not going to lose you. Not over this."
Dean stared at him, anger and frustration and panic were burning inside of him, but he swallowed it until he was able to breathe again. Slowly, he felt his breath calm down. He waited for another second, then he searched for Sam's eyes. "I am sorry. It's… let's not talk about it anymore, it did not work anyway."
Sam stared back, he too had to swallow his emotions, but finally, he sighed and nodded.
"Alright. But you have to promise me that you are not going to do anything else that stupid – at least not without telling me beforehand."
Dean nodded. "Come on, let's head back."
They were walking side by side, both lost in their thoughts when Sam suddenly looked at Dean.
"Dean?"
"Hm?"
"I want to see mom's grave."
Dean raised an eyebrow but nodded. "Okay, whatever you need. Let's head back and have lunch with Charlie, then we can go."
.
Saying Goodbye to Charlie was hard.
Dean was first, he hugged her tight and inhaled her scent deeply. "Please call me anytime, okay?", he whispered.
She nodded. "I will."
He smiled. "I will be awaiting the wedding invitation!"
She answered his smile and pressed herself against him once more. "Please do."
"And Dean…", she said when he had let go and was walking towards the door. "Please call me, when…"
She swallowed around the lump in her throat. "I want to be at the funeral."
Dean closed his eyes in pain but nodded. "I will", he whispered, his voice breaking.
Then, Sam, who had stored their bags in the car, came back inside and Dean stepped outside to give them some space.
Charlie hugged him tightly, not wanting to let go of him ever again. Sam had wrapped his arms around her, his head rested on hers, his nose in her hair, he was taking in every inch of her to be able to take it with him.
Suddenly, he felt her shoulders shaking.
"Shhhh", he whispered and stroked her back. "Don't cry. It's going to be fine."
"Nothing is going to be fine", she whimpered and looked at him with red eyes. "Why does this have to happen?"
Sam sighed. "I don't know. But, Charlie, it's okay. It's going to be okay. It will hurt like hell and then it will get worse, but then, after a while, it will get better. You will get married and start a life and maybe even a family with Liz and I will be watching over you and be extremely happy."
She swallowed hard and cleared her throat. "How can you be so at peace with it?"
He smiled. "I am thankful for all the life I have had. I am happy to have known you and honored to have been able to walk a part of your path in life with you. If I could, I would like to walk the rest of it with you as well, but since I can't – at least not in a way you can see, I just want to be thankful for all the time we did have."
She wiped away her tears. "I am going to miss talking about hunts with you. And movie nights. And watching you read a book you're interested in", she said while new tears built in her eyes.
Sam pressed her shoulders. "I know. I am going to miss them too. But, Charlie, you have to promise me something."
She looked up and nodded. "Everything."
"You have to continue to have movie nights with Dean, talk about me Liz or about whoever Dean is hopefully going to find, watch him clean his gun or wash the Impala."
Charlie shook his head. "I can't, Sam. How could I spend time with Dean when you are not there?"
Sam looked at her sternly. "Charlie, please."
He took a deep breath. "It is my dying wish."
She stared at him for a second. Then, she nodded. "Alright. I will. But when we meet again, I am going to kick your ass for missing out on all of this!"
Sam smiled widely and hugged her one last time. Then, he turned around and walked towards the door.
He was almost by the car when Charlie called out.
"Sam?"
He turned around.
"We'll see each other again, right?"
Sam smiled softly and blinked once before getting into the car.
Charlie stood in the door and watched them drive away. She continued waiving until they had long vanished around the corner.
