Chapter 29

"Four years ago," Kakashi murmured, his lips and breath brushing the bare skin of her lower back as he slowly raised her shirt.

Sakura was lying mostly on her side on his bed, facing away from him and loosely hugging the pillow she rested on.

She surreptitiously took a deep breath in through her nose. The pillow smelled like Kakashi ... If he hadn't been there, she probably would have buried her face in it like a teenager with her first crush.

... But he definitely was there. She felt his calloused fingers inching the shirt up bit by bit from where the blanket that covered their legs had overlapped it, all the while placing a warm kiss on each newly revealed vertebra.

After a moment of getting lost in his touch, she recognized that he had said something. "What?" she asked softly, feeling peaceful.


Kakashi had reached her shoulder blades by then, and he let his hand skim up her back to unhook her bra, then kissed along the line where it had been wrapped around her and gently coaxed it and her shirt up over her head.

After he had pulled the shirt and bra off and let them fall from his hand onto her half of the bed, he lightly swept her hair back from her neck and planted a series of lazy, open-mouthed kisses on the sensitive skin there.

With an almost inaudible moan, Sakura arched into him just a little more, and in response, he flicked his tongue across her earlobe, then began to retrace his path until he was kissing between her shoulder blades again.

After placing his lips briefly once more on the nape of her neck, Kakashi pulled back and propped his head up with one arm while the fingers of the other trailed down her side ... over her ribs, over the dip of her waist, over the curve of her hip ... before doing the same, even more slowly, in reverse.

Only a handful of inches separated his bare chest from her bare back, and he could see the goosebumps rising on her skin in the wake of his touch.

"I started to fall in love with you four years ago," he answered quietly, his roaming hand continuing its languid travels across her body.


Despite her relaxed state, Sakura's breath caught in her throat at his admission.

Yes, she had known that he loved her by the way he looked at her, the way he held her, the things he did for her and for Sarada ...

But this was the first time she'd heard him actually use that word out loud: "love."

No, not just "love" ... "in love," he'd said.

And in reference to her, Sakura. Uchiha Sakura.

"In love" ...

And four years ago?

It terrified her and filled her with dancing butterflies and warmed her heart and broke her heart and sent her mind spinning all at once, and for the life of her, she couldn't have come up with something to say right then that would have made anything even remotely resembling sense ...

So she said nothing.


When Kakashi felt her stop breathing, he squeezed her waist lightly and brought his head down to nudge her neck with his nose.

"Breathe, Sakura," he murmured into her ear. "It's not the end of the world ..."

He leaned back again but left his hand on her waist. "People do it all the time ... fall in love. Can't be that horrible," he continued, his voice playful.


Brought back to the realm of reality by his familiar light-hearted tone, Sakura swatted at his hand. "Not you, though, Kakashi ... not the elusive Copy-ninja of Konoha, the consummate bachelor!" she half-teased, still facing away from him. "You don't fall in love ..."

In the pause that followed, she imagined him looking up at the ceiling introspectively.

"Hmm ..." he replied finally. "You seem to have been misinformed. I will have to correct this immediately ..."

With that, he used the hand on her waist to tug her into him, then wrapped his arm around her. Sakura unconsciously found herself settling back against his body and slipping the fingers of her free hand between the fingers of the one he'd slung over her torso as if they'd been doing it all their lives.

"Your birthday four years ago," Kakashi said. "It coincided with the Academy's survival camping trip, so the kids were gone, and Ino somehow managed to convince you to go out to the pub that night. I stopped by-"

"Late, I remember," Sakura groused. "Jerk."

Kakashi hugged her closer and kissed her shoulder. "Ah," he said. "But you like me anyway ..."

Between his (correct) statement and the fact that she was being enveloped by his half-naked body, Sakura couldn't help but blush. "Impossible man," she muttered affectionately.

He hummed in agreement. "May I continue my story now, or are there other character flaws you'd like to point out?"

"Eh … not worth it," Sakura retorted. "I'd be an old fart like you by the time I finished."

In response, Kakashi let his hand leave hers to trail lightly over her stomach and down to the patch of pink curls between her legs.

"Should I prove to you again that I'm not old, Sa-ku-ra?" he murmured darkly into her ear while circling a finger near her outer lips.

Sakura was reminded of the way he'd tortured her with his thumb in that same area the first time they'd made love, and she grew wetter against her will. At almost the same time, she felt him getting hard behind her, and that blinding need he seemed to inspire in her with such ease began to build. It only increased when he slowly licked the rim of her ear …

But then he slid his arm back up to join their fingers once more.

"Sorry, Sakura-chan," he said, putting a little space between their heads. "... Even though it seems like you'd like me to prove you wrong right now, you're going to have to wait a bit ... This is an important story."

Sakura blushed again, knowing exactly how he knew she was turned on. But she supposed he was right … the story of how he fell in love with her was a pretty important one, especially given the current circumstances … even if she weren't sure she was ready to hear it.

And so she nodded. "Tell me."


Kakashi felt like he was having an out-of-body experience … having her here, like this … naked in his arms, letting him hold her and showing no signs of wanting to run away … it was surreal. And with the way his stomach was knotting over admitting to her how he'd fallen for her, he was beginning to realize that maybe he'd never actually believed he stood a chance, maybe he'd never actually believed that he would have this opportunity.

It was unsettling, but not in a bad way, he thought as he breathed in the intoxicating mix of her bath products and arousal. His arm tightened unconsciously around her.

"When I got there," he continued. "You were well on your way to drinking yourself into a stupor. I stuck around for a little while, had a few drinks, then went home.

"But I couldn't sleep, so after tossing around for a few hours, I decided to go to the cenotaph. I took the long route through the training grounds, and that's where I found you … training ground 3, barely able to hold yourself upright against the post I tied Naruto to all those years ago. I have no idea how you managed to escape your friends, but you shouldn't have been there by yourself."

"I don't remember this," Sakura said quietly. "I remember the pub, but not this."

Kakashi chuckled. "Doesn't surprise me … I'd never seen you that drunk, before or since."

He paused, and when he resumed talking, his tone was more serious. "You were crying - had been crying for awhile, it seemed. I tried to talk you into going home, but you refused, saying it wasn't a home, and therefore you couldn't 'go home.'"

He felt her burrow into the pillow beneath her head. "I said that?" Her voice was heartbreakingly quiet.

"You did," he confirmed, giving her hand a light squeeze. "Since it was clear that I wasn't going to convince you to leave, I sat down beside you. You began to cry harder and asked me if I would hold you, just for a little while.

"I had never seen you like that, that bad … not after Sasuke left, not after he tried to kill you, not during the war … I'd never seen you like that.

"So I did. I leaned back against the post and you crawled into my arms and cried."

Kakashi's heart clenched at the memory of those sobs, the way she had clutched at his shirt like she would a lifeline, as if she would disappear if she weren't anchored to something.


Sakura's eyes were beginning to fill with tears. She couldn't remember what he was talking about, but she knew she could have done something like that … She didn't drink very often back then, so when she did, she had a tendency to overdo things if no one stopped her.

And she knew that, deep inside, she had struggled with Sasuke being gone. She had never admitted to herself (sober) that sometimes she didn't think of their house as a home, but hearing Kakashi say that now, she realized that she did, on some level, feel that way. The time Kakashi was talking about, it would have been because Sasuke wasn't there, but recently, she had felt that way when he was there … Or perhaps now it was more that she didn't think of it as their home - Sasuke, Sakura, and Sarada's. It was like she and Sarada had made it their home - Sakura and Sarada's - during his absence, and he was just a visitor.

… She'd never really let herself acknowledge that before.


Kakashi felt her shoulders begin to shake with the effort of holding back tears, and he pulled her as close to him as he could and held her there.

"Sorry," he heard her choke out. "What happened after that?"

He knew that she didn't want to talk about the now, so he just kissed the tip of her ear and resumed his story.

"I couldn't understand a lot of what you were saying, but I gathered that you were trying to convince yourself that everything would be okay, that you just had to get through the mission and then you could be a family.

"Eventually, you cried yourself to sleep, so I picked you up and took you back to your house, tucked you in."

"That was you?" Her voice was soft. She seemed so very small in his arms at that moment, and he wanted to protect her from the world. Even if she didn't need it.

"That was me," he confirmed.

"I always wondered how I got there … the last thing I remember is the pub," she mused.

It seemed her tears had abated, and he was grateful … he hated seeing her cry, even more so when it was his fault.

"But what does all this have to do with you allegedly falling in love with me?" she asked finally.

"It's not 'alleged,'" he corrected with a frown. "It's true."

Sakura sighed. "Okay, so what does all this have to do with you falling in love with me? I can't imagine I was very attractive in that state."

She twisted her body so that she was looking up at his face, her eyes questioning. He let the hand that had been holding hers drift up to cup her cheek and ran his thumb across her bottom lip, then gave her a wry half-smile.

"Oh, you were a mess … Eye makeup everywhere, hair everywhere, red eyes, runny nose - you used my sleeve as a tissue more than once-" he said, grinning.

She glared at him. "I get the idea …"

His smile softened. "You were a mess, Sakura … but you were a mess of a woman." He paused, his expression thoughtful. "Even though you were married, had a child … I'm not sure I'd ever really seen you as a woman until that night. I hadn't thought of you as a kid, either, but … I don't know. Maybe it was hearing about the distinctly adult troubles you were facing … Maybe it was holding you, being that physically close to you in a private setting."

He shrugged.

"Whatever it was, I looked at you differently after that night. I started to notice you more … at first it was just general concern; I'd pay a bit more attention than usual to your expressions and your body language to try and see if you were doing okay. And you seemed happy the times I saw you, especially when you were with Sarada-chan, but sometimes I could see a hint of that sadness … or loneliness, maybe …"


Kakashi turned his gaze down to meet hers, and it seemed like he could see right through her. It made her feel embarrassed and exposed …

But it somehow also made her feel safe and loved … if he could see right through her, and he still wanted her here like this, in his arms …

Unable to meet his eyes anymore, she turned back onto her side and reached down to pull the blanket up higher. He helped, then continued, "I knew why Sasuke was gone, but I didn't understand why he didn't contact you more often or visit sometimes. Still, before that night, I hadn't thought much of it other than that it was a bit strange, but it wasn't my business, and in any case, you seemed to be fine with the arrangement.

"That night, though, I learned that you weren't fine with it, not really. Or rather, your brain was fine with it, but your heart wasn't. And that bothered me. To be honest, I hadn't been particularly thrilled when you got together with Sasuke, because I suspected that he wouldn't be what you wanted him to be, but you seemed happy, and I knew it would be good for him … probably better than any therapy we could have set up … so I wished you both the best."


Kakashi was a bit surprised at himself … he hadn't expected to go on this long, but it seemed that once he started talking, he couldn't stop … He found that he wanted to tell her everything.

"And then you had Sarada-chan," he went on. "And you did seem happy … a bit ragged at times, but I'm told that's one of the common symptoms of being a new parent."

Sakura laughed. "You act like it's some sort of disease."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "It kind of seems like one when you think about it … These small creatures taking over your life, infesting your house with brightly-colored plastic kunai, always wanting to see your face …"

She laughed again and elbowed him. "That last is only a problem because you make it one … and you know you have fun with it."

"... Maybe," he allowed, then rubbed his ribs and scowled at the back of her head. "You're always so violent. "

"Ah," she said, doing her best Kakashi impression. "But you like me anyway …"

Grinning, he pulled her back into his chest. "Impossible woman," he murmured against her ear.


Sakura shivered at his dark tone even as her heart warmed. "Quit getting distracted and finish your story," she grumbled, flustered.

"Mm," he acquiesced, his fingers dusting over her hand, her arm. "Well, eventually I started bothering you … I didn't like that loneliness I saw in you, and in some ways, I felt responsible. If I had been able to get through to Sasuke before he left the village-"

Sakura interrupted him. "Kakashi, that wasn't your fault. And no one blames you for it, not even Sasuke. You did the best you could under the circumstances … some things just can't be helped."

He sighed, and she scooted a little closer to him. "I don't blame you," she finished, her voice quiet but resolute.

"I know," he said, burying his face in her hair. "And I know - objectively - there really wasn't much else I could have done. But, like so many other things …" He lifted his head back to rest on his arm again. "What you know and what you feel don't always match."

Truer words, Inner Sakura piped up.

Sakura shoved her down.

"Anyway," Kakashi continued, his hand back on her waist. "Somewhere along the line there … with me bothering you whenever I could and you helping me with diplomatic ventures … I realized that you had become the most important person in my life."

Sakura was taken aback. Knowing he loved her was one thing … knowing he loved her above everyone else was an entirely different one. It was the most terrifying of all of the terrifying aspects of what they were doing … and there were many.

He cut into her thoughts. "But it wasn't until I saw how much the situation with Sasuke was wearing you down and I had the random thought that I could make you happier that I realized I wanted you for myself … in every way."

Sakura blushed. He really didn't need to say things like he did ...

"You hid your unhappiness very well, but I'm good at looking underneath the underneath. Still, I thought you would be able to work it out when his mission ended, and I want you both to be happy, so I resolved never to let you know how I felt. I'm used to being alone anyway … I could stand it if it meant my precious people … especially you … were happy."

Involuntarily, Sakura's eyes began to well up. He was so self-sacrificing; it broke her heart.

"Kakashi …" she said, voice heavy with unshed tears.

He rubbed his thumb soothingly on her stomach and went on. "But then Sasuke's mission ended, and he left again, and I saw that you were nearly crushed … you were losing hope. I could hardly bear it, but I figured he wouldn't be gone long this time, so I still kept my distance. Yet he's continued to stay away."

He raised his hand to her face and gently turned it toward his. When their eyes met, his were deadly serious and full of emotions that made her want to hold him close, and the tears in hers threatened to spill over.

"You deserve to be happy, Sakura," he said. "And so does Sasuke. But right now, only one of you is, and it isn't the one I would rather it be. I don't want to hurt Sasuke, but I want you to be happy, and you've sacrificed enough for him.

"If I believed that he would ever be what you want, what you need, I never would have pursued this, but I don't … I think he will continue to hurt you - not because he doesn't love you, but because he doesn't know how to love you right."

At that, Sakura pulled away from him a little bit. While a part of her agreed with what he was saying, another part … a deeply embedded part … felt a need to defend her husband.

"And you think you do?" she challenged as the tears, now as much from confusion and just a twinge of anger as anything, fell down her cheeks.

He reached out and swept the droplets away with his thumb. "Yes," he replied simply, his eyes both honest and confident.

Sakura bit her lip as more tears formed, and she turned her head away from him. "How … how can you just say that? You're basically telling me to leave my husband … the man I've been in love with since I was a girl … the father of my child ... because you think you can make me happier?"

"Sakura, this isn't what I wanted … You think this is what I wanted? To be in love with you? A former student, a married woman? … This isn't what I wanted." His voice was more emotional than she'd ever heard it, and it made her start crying in earnest.

But still he carried on. "I wanted you both to have a happy, fulfilling relationship ... but you don't. Your sadness that night … it was palpable. It cut me. And that was when you still had the hope of things changing when his mission ended. I can't even stand the thought of the sadness you must be feeling now … You don't deserve it."


He hadn't meant to go that far. He hadn't meant to go that far, and now she was crying, and it was his fault, and it killed him. He couldn't help but reach out for her, pull her back into his chest, and there was the small consolation that she let him.

"Sakura … I'm sorry," he whispered into her hair, holding her close. "I'm so sorry … I shouldn't have put you in this position. It was a mistake."


She couldn't help but be comforted by his arms around her, and a part of her hated herself for it. But when he apologized, sounding like he wasn't far from crying himself … when he said that this was a mistake … her heart twisted more tightly than it had ever done.

She turned onto her other side so that she was facing him and placed her hand on his cheek. His eyes were, as she had suspected, glistening with the beginnings of tears, and they carried a pain that made her own tears fall harder, but she had to tell him …

"It wasn't a mistake," she said, making sure he was looking at her. "Kakashi, whatever it was … whatever it is … it's not a mistake."

And then she kissed him. She kissed him with all of the emotions that had been building that day, the past week, the last few months … She kissed him with all of the need and the frustration and the hurt and the loneliness of the last decade.

Her tears salted their kiss, but she didn't care as his hand tangled in her hair and then slid down her back, pressing her as tightly to him as he could, and hers wrapped around his neck.

He deepened the kiss and rolled her onto her back and her legs lifted around his waist and when he entered her, she thought that she had never felt so close to another human being as she did in that moment. It was intense, and frightening, and exhilarating, and perfect ...

And when they came, breathing harshly into each other's mouth and then melding their lips for another long kiss, still joined as one, she thought that maybe he was right … maybe she did deserve more …

And when he murmured, "I love you, Sakura," into her ear as pulled out of her to lie on his back and hug her against his side, she thought that maybe he was right about that too … maybe he was the one who could give it to her.


A/N: I've had this chapter planned for a long time, so it was good to finally write it out.

PSA: Unprotected sex … STDs … babies … be responsible, people. Real-life consequences can be not so fun.