Chapter 29


Kakashi rang the doorbell to Bensaku's apartment and waited.

After he'd gotten done with Tenzo, he'd come straight over to the address Bensaku had given him. In the apartment lobby, he'd had to stop and check in, which meant telling a security man who he was and the reason for his visit, and writing his name in a log book. Kakashi had never been to an apartment complex like this. It was almost a hotel.

But the check in process was easy enough, and the man was friendly. And when Kakashi was in mission mode, people didn't make him nervous.

Bensaku opened the door on a chain, then hastily unchained it and opened it wide. "Hatake. What –"

"You told me to show up if I needed anything," Kakashi said.

Bensaku reconsidered his surprise. "Oh. That's true. Come in." He backed up, allowing Kakashi to enter the apartment.

Kakashi stepped inside and shut the door. "Maa, I didn't come here for myself. I want to talk about Tenzo."

Bensaku stiffened again. "What?"

"You told me that you didn't have any feelings for Tenzo like I have for Gai, but I think that you do." Kakashi leaned against the doorframe, not having been invited to enter any further, verbally or otherwise. He didn't even bother to slip off his sandals, in case Bensaku threw him out.

Bensaku glared at him, hands clenched at his sides. "What are you going to do about it? Arrest me?"

"No," Kakashi said, curious at that suggestion. Why is he so guilty? "I'm here to help you."

Bensaku shifted stances, leaning back and folding his arms, looking down at Kakashi from his full height. "Why would you do a fool thing like that?"

"Because…I like you?" Kakashi didn't know if he had a more complicated answer. "And I like Tenzo. And I think you know he's interested in you."

Bensaku looked away. "I know no such thing."

Kakashi slipped off his sandals and walked down the step to join Bensaku in the living room. It was as Tenzo said; pristine, with a black leather sofa in front of a tv, a magazine rack next to an armchair. "I do. That's why I'm here. To make sure you don't mess it up and make Tenzo cry. That, neither of us wants. I know how you reacted when he cried at how you risked yourself."

"I know," Bensaku said, his teeth clenched.

"Why don't you tell me your side of it?" Kakashi asked reasonably.

"I don't know why I should tell you anything," Bensaku said.

Kakashi propped his hand on his hip. "You should tell me everything, because then I can explain it to Tenzo. Tenzo's told me everything, because he needs me to explain it to you. You both need to learn to communicate more effectively, but I know that's harder than it sounds or I would just shove you two in a room together and lock the door."

"It would have to be a bunker buried five stories below the surface," Bensaku said.

Kakashi wagged his index finger. "I know, I know. You'd rather do anything but face your feelings and their consequences. But let's not be sidetracked by imaginary bunkers and their specifications. Let's talk instead about you and Tenzo."

"You're being awfully nosy," Bensaku said.

Kakashi grinned. "I'm in ANBU."

Bensaku sighed and conceded the point. He gestured at the living room. "Come in. If you're going to interrogate me, we may as well sit on the sofa where it's comfortable. This is going to take a while. I can sense it."

Kakashi chuckled. "I'll try to be succinct. Gai is the one who rambles."

Bensaku paused. "True." Then he walked to the black leather sofa in front of the tv and sat down on it.

Kakashi sat down beside him, but at a polite distance. "Nice place," he commented. He glanced at the potted plant in the corner. It was some kind of fern. Low maintenance. Plants had to be to survive an ANBU schedule.

Bensaku nodded. "ANBU pays well. I invested in this apartment when I was a captain for an emergency backup team. It pays the best."

Kakashi nodded in return. "I'd heard that." Emergency backup teams were called into the eye of the storm, as it were. They handled all the most dangerous missions – the missions that had killed other ANBU teams. As such, they were paid an exorbitant amount of money and had the best medical benefits.

He smiled at Bensaku, though the expression was hardly visible. The only uncovered part of his face was his natural eye. "Let's talk about Tenzo. When did you meet him, and why?"

Bensaku took a deep breath and flexed his fingers where his hand rested on his knee. "Let's see…I met him when I was coming off of emergency backup duty. I decided I'd rather not be killed before my thirtieth birthday. It became a goal of mine."

"How old were you?" Kakashi asked.

Bensaku scowled at him.

Kakashi raised his hands. "I just want to know. Put this in context for me. How long were you in ANBU? When did you join?"

"This is my tenth year in ANBU," Bensaku said.

Kakashi's eyes widened. "So this is a landmark year for you." Ten years was a long time to be in ANBU. Most people didn't make it that long. Kakashi didn't know if he would make it that long. The idea scared him a little bit; he'd always imagined being able to relax about his job someday. Someday when he was a full-grown adult, and had job security, a permanent post he could count on for income that wasn't dangerous and didn't involve his friends being in danger.

"Yes," Bensaku said.

"How old were you when you joined up?" Kakashi asked, not letting go of the question that had plagued Tenzo since he'd known his teammate.

Bensaku's lips tightened, but he answered the question without fidgeting. "I joined when I was eighteen."

The mental calculations only took a second. "You're twenty-eight," Kakashi said, not expecting an answer. "Tenzo is fourteen. That makes you exactly twice as old as him. You don't want to tell him what your feelings are because you feel like a pervert. You hate perverts. You think I'm a pervert, so you hate me." He thought back to the lunch at the diner. "Sometimes."

"I don't hate perverts, I get angry at them," Bensaku said. "And I never hated you. So let's get that straight, even if the rest of this conversation is going to be screwed up."

Kakashi nodded. "Hai."

Bensaku paused, looking away.

Kakashi let him take his time.

"I'm…" Bensaku wiped his mouth. "I'm ashamed to be in love with Tenzo. Can't I find anyone better? I mean – Not better. My age. More appropriate. That's what I mean." He sighed, and slowly lowered his head.

Kakashi felt bad for bothering his captain at this point. But he had to stick it out for Tenzo. He wanted Tenzo to have the same happy ending he had with Gai. Or rather, a happy beginning. The ending was an end to their suffering. He knew Tenzo had suffered a great deal, and so had he. He needed Gai. Gai was ointment on his wounds.

And he knew that Bensaku and Tenzo could be that way together, if they just gave each other a chance to make it work.

Kakashi looked down at his hands, touching them together by the fingertips. "Maa…Is it always shameful to be in love with someone you care about? Or can there be some kind of consensus that makes it not shameful?"

Bensaku stared at him. Kakashi saw the expression out of the corner of his eye. "That is…incredibly mature for someone who reads porn."

Kakashi smiled at his hands. "I told you before, it's not porn. It's nice. Jiraiya-sensei writes romances. Romances involve two people who never thought they could get together, but love each other very much. When they finally meet and see eye to eye, they realize that they can't live without each other, and they have to make it work. That's very romantic, ne?"

Bensaku still looked stunned. "I suppose it is."

Kakashi straightened and gave his captain a look. "So I think you should take a chance with Tenzo. He's ready for you."

Bensaku choked on a laugh. "If you mean that absurd flirting he's been doing, I've noticed. I think it's just sexual tension. He needs a girlfriend."

"What he needs is you," Kakashi said sharply.

Bensaku shook his head. "I'm sorry, but you're wrong."

"Do you really want a 'sweet', 'innocent' girlfriend his age goading him into sexual acts and then leaving him when she gets bored with him?" Kakashi asked.

He narrowed his eyes, feeling a spike of that anger he felt whenever he thought about Gai being with some girl. "How attractive do you think he is going to be, being insecure and physically diminutive? Some girls might give him the pity vote, but that's it. Our culture is clear: girls want confidence, and when they date someone who isn't confident at all, their friends and relatives pick on them. Do you really want to set Tenzo up for mockery? More pain? What he needs is someone who wants to be with him, for all the right reasons."

"And what would those reasons be?" Bensaku drawled, seeming unaffected by Kakashi's vehemence.

Kakashi ticked his main points off on his fingers. "You love him, you care about him, and you want to protect him. I'd say those are pretty good reasons for being his boyfriend."

"Boyfriend." Bensaku looked at him blankly. "Do you really think it'll be that simple?"

Kakashi thought about it. Then he shrugged. "I do."

Bensaku didn't seem to have a ready answer for that.

"What do you see happening if you admit your feelings to Tenzo?" Kakashi asked. He didn't want the conversation to stall. It was far from finished yet. He wasn't going to leave until he'd convinced Bensaku to talk to Tenzo about their feelings.

Bensaku took a moment to answer this question carefully. He bit his lip and looked at the ceiling, obviously casting his mind back to the last time he'd entertained that scenario. "I see…him accepting, and me doing something to screw it up, and me hurting him. Then he goes crying back to therapy, terrified of me, and I kill myself, because I've hurt Tenzo."

"That's pretty dark," Kakashi commented. He couldn't say he was surprised. His fantasies of doom about telling Gai his feelings had a similar quality of utter destruction; an apocalypse of failed love.

Bensaku chuckled, the tension broken. He grinned, blushing, and scratched the back of his neck. "Yeah. It is. I'll admit that any day. I think the situation is pretty bleak. Tenzo has been damaged by Orochimaru, and I don't think – I'm not sure if there is any way to get better from that. I know he'll always have these powers he hates." He slanted a look at Kakashi. "He hates the powers of the mokuton. He wishes he didn't have it. He views it as something Orochimaru did to him that everyone falsely celebrates."

"I agree with him," Kakashi said, frowning. "I don't want to be celebrated for having my dead best friend's eye. That's not appropriate. It's not appropriate, either, to celebrate Tenzo's powers that he acquired by being tortured and experimented on. That's not okay."

"You're one of the only people who feels that way," Bensaku said softly.

Kakashi's frown deepened. "Because I know what it's like."

"That's why I requested you for the team," Bensaku said. "I hoped that you would be Tenzo's friend. But when you came, you were angry. So angry for so long that I lost hope. I have to admit I was disappointed in you for not fulfilling my expectations…the coldness you sensed was probably that."

"But I did befriend Tenzo," Kakashi pointed out. "It just took some time."

"I know." Bensaku smiled at him. "So I'm not disappointed. I'm not disappointed any longer. I'm sorry I was hard on you."

Kakashi shrugged. "It happens." He smiled. "Now I'm going to be hard on you."

He groaned.

Kakashi raised an index finger. "Before you think this is all one-sided, remember that discussion you had with me about Gai? I took your advice. We're together now." He smiled cheerfully. "So you can take my advice and make a move on Tenzo. It's time to return the favor."

Bensaku fought a bemused smile. Kakashi guessed his attempt at emotional manipulation was a little obvious. "I didn't do you any favors, and I don't owe you anything. But you're right. I owe Tenzo something, and that's an explanation. I've been snippy with him lately, and it's probably because of my feelings. You know, when you're in love with someone, you don't want them to call you an old man and make fun of you. You kind of what them to be sweet with you. What Tenzo doesn't do is try to sweet. I guess because he's been in ANBU so long, he's got a diamond edge to everything he does. He's had to be tough, very tough. And I regret that. I regret the childhood he didn't have."

"You need to tell him all of that," Kakashi said.

Bensaku considered that. "You're right. You're absolutely right. I do need to tell him how I feel, even if I can't offer him a relationship because it would be wrong."

Kakashi smacked his forehead. "A relationship isn't wrong. You're just afraid. Bensaku-taichou, don't lie to yourself. That's the worst person to lie to of all. If you lie to yourself, you can't possibly act on the truth. I know. I did it. I told myself I just wanted to help Gai, when really I wanted to seduce him, and I took twice as long as I should have to tell him my real feelings, so he could act on them. He has the right. I deprived him of the right to know my feelings. That was wrong. You're going to do the same thing to Tenzo if you don't realize that there is nothing wrong with your feelings."

Bensaku held up his hands. "Okay."

Kakashi looked at Bensaku warily. But his captain seemed to be sincere. He relented. "I just found out last night that I'd tortured Gai for years. If I'd just paid a little more attention, and accepted that my feelings were reasonable, then I could have spared him a lot of pain."

Bensaku looked troubled. "You have a point. It's a good point."

"I know it is," Kakashi said quietly. "That's why I came."

Bensaku nodded. He patted Kakashi's shoulder. "I appreciate it. I'm sorry I'm not a very grateful kind of person usually." He stood up and jerked his thumb at the white refrigerator sitting in the kitchen. "Want a drink?"

Kakashi stood as well, too uncomfortable in this unfamiliar space to remain sitting while someone towered over him. "Sure. But if you mean beer, then no. I hate the stuff."

"It doesn't have to be alcoholic," Bensaku said.

Kakashi nodded.

"Soda or water?" Bensaku asked, walking to the kitchen.

Kakashi tried to stay put, but he followed as far as the border of the living room and kitchen and stood there, leaning against a counter and trying to look nonchalant. "Soda. If you have it. Thanks."

Bensaku gave him a look. "I wouldn't have offered it if I didn't have it, Kakashi."

"You called me by my first name," Kakashi said. "That's an improvement."

"Don't get used to it," Bensaku said, opening up the refrigerator. "On the job, it's Hatake all the way."

Kakashi sighed dramatically. "I figured."

Bensaku handed him an icy cold root beer.

Kakashi's hand was half numb at the freezing temperature of the bottle. "What have you done to your refrigerator? Mine never goes below forty degrees."

"They have settings," Bensaku said mildly. "And I have a drink cooler. In the drink cooler, I've set the temperature to thirty-three degrees. I like it that way."

"Hmm." Kakashi wiped instant frost off on his pants leg, shifting the soda from one hand to the other. "Well, cheers." He twisted the top off his soda and drank a sip. "Ah…refreshing." He smiled cheerfully. "So if I finish my soda really, really slowly, does that mean I'll get more time to talk to you?"

Bensaku rolled his eyes and chuckled. "You don't need to do anything like that." He retrieved a beer and opened it, taking a sip. "If you want to stay, you can stay. You just can't stay the night."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "Why? You have company coming over later?"

"I'd like to be able to sleep," Bensaku said dryly. He walked back to the sofa, so Kakashi followed him. He sank down on the sofa with a sigh. "I couldn't sleep if you were here."

"It's not like I'd stare at you all night," Kakashi said. "But I'm not planning on staying here anyway. I've got my own bed to sleep in."

Bensaku sipped his beer. "What about Gai?"

Kakashi narrowed his eyes. "What about Gai?"

"Does he have his own bed to sleep in?" Bensaku asked. He gestured lazily. "I was just making conversation."

"Sure you were." Kakashi took a sip of root beer.

Bensaku smirked. "I put together what you guys were doing in the cabin."

Kakashi blushed crimson. He hid his face behind one hand. "Maa…it was really Gai's idea…"

"Sure it was." Bensaku chuckled. "I don't believe that for a minute, and neither do you, Kakashi. It was all your idea from the start. You and your porn-rotted brain."

Kakashi frowned at him. "Hey."

Bensaku held up a hand. "Oh. I'm sorry. Your pornographic romance rotted brain."

"That's better." Kakashi would take what he could get on that subject. Besides, Bensaku was right about whose idea it had been.

Bensaku's smile faded. "Don't do that anymore. I understand there was some tension going on, but a mission's a mission. If you do that again I'll have to write you up."

"Hai, Taichou." Kakashi sipped his root beer. "But you won't have to write me up, because I can get what I want at home now." They were both adults. He didn't feel any need not to be blunt.

Bensaku cleared his throat and looked away, obviously feeling differently. "Well…yes. So – So there's no excuse, you hear me?"

Kakashi beamed. "Yeah. I hear you. But what about you and Tenzo? Are you going to get what you want at home?"

"It's not all about sex," Bensaku said sharply.

The tone of Kakashi's voice made him rethink his approach. He sipped his soda carefully, letting the momentary spike of tension pass. He looked away, scanning Bensaku out of the corner of his eye. "Benku-taichou…what happened to you?"

Bensaku bristled. "I don't know what you're talking about." His beer can let out a warning pop at the way Bensaku was squeezing it, and he hastily loosened his grip. He took a sip and set it aside on the end table. "Nothing. Nothing 'happened'."

"Something did," Kakashi said softly. "Something happened to make you so wary of this subject."

"I just don't wanna talk about it, alright?" Bensaku seemed to hear the same tension that Kakashi did, because he sat back against the sofa and sighed, looking repentant. "I know we're friends and all – as close as we can be under the circumstances, considering our difference in age and rank – but we can't talk about some things. I can't talk about some things."

"Have you gotten help?" Kakashi cut straight to what he thought was the most important question.

Bensaku didn't say anything for several moments. "Yes. And no. Help doesn't fix anything. It just makes the problem more bearable."

"Love fixes things," Kakashi murmured. "Gai's love fixed things."

"I'm glad to hear that," Bensaku said heavily.

Kakashi knew then the conversation was over. He stood up. "Maa, well, thanks for the soda."

Bensaku looked at him warily. "Aren't you going to finish it?"

Kakashi drank the rest of the bottle in one gulp. "Thanks for the reminder. Where am I supposed to put it?"

"Under the sink. There's a bin labeled cans, and a bin labeled bottles. You figure it out."

Kakashi could. He walked into the kitchen and deposited the empty bottle in the proper bin. "I'm not going to take up any more of your time."

Bensaku got to his feet and hesitantly walked into the kitchen. "You're not bothering me."

Kakashi shrugged. "But I've got nothing else to say, and neither have you. At least you said you'd talk to Tenzo about your feelings."

Bensaku nodded and sighed. He looked away and rubbed the back of his head. "I will."

Kakashi nodded. "Then that's good enough for me. Mission accomplished."

"Kakashi, I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Gai," Bensaku said. He looked at Kakashi for a moment. "Not everything is a mission."

Kakashi smiled cheerfully. "I know. But this was. A self-appointed mission: Bring Taichou and Tenzo together, because they're perfect for each other."

Bensaku shook his head, smiling. "Alright, go." He walked Kakashi to the door, and they said their goodbyes. Kakashi even got the waving treatment until he was out of sight. Pretty polite for the taichou.

As he walked back down to the lobby to check out – another required procedure – Kakashi wondered if there was anything else he could do for Tenzo and Bensaku. Probably not. In the end, they'd have to talk to each other. He wasn't a relationship counselor.