Eleanor
Adelaide's house was lovely, but now that I knew what had happened there it made me sick to know my sister and brother still inhabited such a place of selfishness. I stood overlooking the lake that surrounded it, just between where the forest and the shore met. The house was across the lake, but I could still see the soft swirls of smoke rising from its chimney.
It felt like a lifetime ago that I was there, arguing with my mother. I thought it noble of me to defy everything that she stood for.
"God, I'm so selfish," I murmured, leaning back against the rough trunk of a tree at the edge of the lake.
I tried so hard to defy everything I didn't want to be by going to look for Him. I thought I was helping the greater good. I thought it would separate me and the Winged my mother was by risking my well-being for something bigger than any of us.
I ran back so quickly to this, simply from a dream that scared me, like my life depended on it. I didn't even think, I just ran. I ran like how I breathe. It scared me to know how quickly my motives changed.
My mother and I… we weren't that different at all. I hoped a Winged could be selfless, and noble, and courageous all at once, but I was wrong. Selfishness was our instinct. Thinking was not.
As I leaned my head against the back of the tree, I thought of Solomon. I was all he wanted. Maybe I deserved to die. Maybe I deserved nothing. I wanted Edmund. I wanted a life, whether it be here or in England, but maybe it wasn't meant to be. Maybe Aslan has no mercy left for us. Maybe I came to Narnia to die.
There was a day before all this happened, when Edmund had asked me how I coped, or more specifically on the inside, why I had something to cope from. My family was back, it should have been great, but it wasn't. Why? he must have wondered.
I didn't want to tell him it was because I was afraid of getting closer and then losing my family again, and for some reason I couldn't get the words out.
Regardless of my mother's motives, I should have taken the time we had left together. I should have taken every last second with her- my father, James, Sophia, Jude- I should have taken it all. That was the most selfish thing I've done.
Like all Edmund said I should worry to do, I did. I destroyed all that we had left. I had Sophia's intellect, Jude's innocence, James' spirit, my father's kindness, my mother's determination…
They have nothing but the sad songs of pity and the merciless words of intent to keep the distance between us of me. I deserve this.
My feet took me around the tree, away from the fantasy of selfishness my mother created.
I used to think sacrifice of myself was selfish because I had people who cared of me.
But… this is different. This sacrifice… is the most selfless thing I'll ever do. Maybe it will make up for all I've done to just be here. Maybe I have some human left in me, but I didn't care anymore.
How was I worthy over anything else? How was my mother? How did we even get this far –this sad song of lies and greediness that took us from one life to the next- how much could we destroy in our time? Why don't creatures of birds and squirrels and the spirits of trees cover all of Narnia and earth? The ones that are most destructive, human, why do they get all this power? How can improving life be worth it if there is so much to lose along the way?
Like at Edmund's birthday celebration, I looked outside of myself, and I didn't like what I saw. There was a girl, dreary and drained from the weather. Her eyes were vacant, and she was alone, and the edge of the world between a dream and a nightmare –what she wanted to love and what she would love to want so desperately, but she couldn't do it.
I was sick of this life, and I was sick of myself. Even though I wanted so much in it, I couldn't live this way.
Facing the inside of the forest, I looked at my hand now covered in goose bumps that had had stretched all the way up through my hand and arm to my neck, just like the dark scar that had made itself known. I felt it. It was like a vein, a heaving pulse within me. I could feel it even when I couldn't see it. It stretched across the vast plain of my right hand, arm, and over my shoulder to the back of my neck where it went crawling.
My eyes finally removed themselves from the frost-touched ground and as I gazed up, I found myself casting my vision upon a familiar form, deeper into the trees where it wouldn't have seen me unless it turned.
It was a man. There were several, and horses, clumped in groups by their sides. The wind rushed out of me as I only felt the pain of the scar cracking lose my skin. I could rely on my selfishness, so I ran without thought.
When I had nearly doubled the distance between myself and the group I had seen by running parallel to Adelaide's house, I stopped. I turned back to where I had run from.
I had to die.
That man was Solomon, and this was fate. I was going to go back. This is what I was meant to do. And now this would be over. Jadis wouldn't come back. I wouldn't cause my family any more pain. My hands began to tremble, like they were the only parts left of me that could say something against my mind, like they held their own power I did not know of.
My hands began to shake as the hovered over the keys of our small, freshly tuned piano. I could feel the eyes of the others, them being my mother and her friends watching attentively, on me as I looked at the black and white that now filled my vision. I've never played in front of anyone else besides family before, and even though I knew in an instant in would be over, my left leg shook slightly as my right pressed down onto the pedal.
When I began playing, my fingers attached themselves so easily to the keys by memory I didn't even have to think of what I was playing. I was playing. And I loved it.
At some point during the song, I looked over at my mother, the center of the collection of ladies. She smiled.
As I finished, they all began clapping. I looked down as I made my way over to my mother. She spoke of how far I've come, as they all talked about how beautifully I played, but all I could do was bury my body in my mother's side and look at the floor.
I started walking slow, my steps hesitant at first as the ground crunched underneath me. After a minute, my pace picked up, like my body knew at any moment this would be over. I would be gone. There would be no more pain.
I found myself at the place where I had started at the beginning of this day, and I saw him and his entourage in the same spot as before. I couldn't see his face, but it had to be Solomon. I needed it to be.
Bringing myself deeper into the forest, I slowed my pace slightly to accommodate for the branches that stuck out from trees and sat dead on the forest floor to get closer to him. There was no noise now, just one tunnel between me and him and all I wanted to clear away. I was less than ten feet away now. He was in an open patch of the forest, perhaps taking a stop for on his hunt.
I was so close to the end. I could feel the life around me begin to drift away more and more.
But when the man turned to me, it all came back, and my stomach dropped. I felt like the air had rushed out of me as the world went spinning on its sides.
It was Edmund.
Like me, he was worn from what kind of distress this war had caused. Nobody within a hundred miles had showered. The world was harsher, crueler…
But more real.
The moment he set eyes on me, a smile of relief tugged at his lips.
Trying to smile back, the muscles on my face felt the strain as smiling never came natural to me anymore. He must have seen my expression of subtle disappointment when I saw him, as his face held nothing but confusion and loss now. I felt guilty, but this was real.
"El?" he said, carefully, like if his words weren't dainty enough they would break me in two. The men around him drew their attention to me. I wanted to die. I wanted this to be the end.
"No," I breathed, eyes widened, and suddenly I took a step back. He saw my movement, and his eyes grew narrow, like I was the only thing he was focusing on.
"El, don't," he warned, stepping closer to me. "You have to come back. It doesn't matter if you didn't find Aslan. You're fine… just- just come with us."
Aslan?
How did he know about Aslan?
"I…" my mouth went dry, realizing how I hadn't spoken that loud in weeks and I physically couldn't find my voice within me. He looked like I was one broken piece of something as I lost all my will to hide what I was thinking.
I should have been grateful to see him, but as we locked eyes I knew he could see right through me, like he often did when we were together. He knew I was expecting someone else.
He knew I was expecting an end.
"I..."
I took one more look at him; his eyes pleaded to know that what he just saw wasn't there.
He was the last thing I saw before I hit the ground.
Author's Note: Well... something's definitely gone wrong now, hasn't it? Please let me know what you think so far, and if you're confused, don't worry... Eleanor's reasoning for everything should come up in the next few chapters or so. If you have any questions yourself, though, please do ask me!
Enough of that, now, here's the people I need to thank for being awesome and either continually supporting this story or have just jumped on in: Victor-Divergent, GryffindorMagicianDemigodGirl, sarahmichellegellarfan1, Masiko, BlueMoonsAndTooSoons, Livvierose, SweetSunnyRose, TheLonelyDancer, IrisReid, AlexaIndigo, Guest, its so fluffay, FlyingThoughts, and BRMCscout45. You're all awesome!
sarahmichellgellarfan1: Thank you! And don't worry, more is to come!
Masiko: Thanks for the reviews! :D
TheLonelyDancer: I try to write as much as I can as fast as I can haha... I'm glad you're enjoying it!
SweetSunnyRose: Thank you for the amazing review as always. Hopefully this chapter has clarified where Eleanor went (or was going to go- back to her mother). If you didn't catch that please let me know because it's probably my fault for not making it clear enough. I've found sometimes that I'm vague in my writing! And I agree, writing this part now feels like I'm writing a whole other story. I do miss when it was just fluff, but things have been building and building so hopefully things get more interesting with chapters to come. Thanks again!
Alexa Indigo: Thank you! And yes... I'm very glad to be able to have more time to write!
Guest: I've been there haha... I'm glad you like it so much! Thanks for letting me know!
See you soon!
-JK
