Chapter 29: Lost
"Dinner is ready," I announce, putting down the pan with food on the table.
"Be there in a minute," she replies without looking away from the screen. There is a short pause in the sounds of the keyboard, but then she continues typing.
With a soft sigh, I fill my plate and get a head start. She tends to get completely absorbed into her own world when she's writing emails to Edward, but I never comment on it, since it's quite clear to me how the conversations help her.
At first, I was extremely worried. I didn't think he would hurt her, because she replayed her meeting with him for me in great detail, and I understand that he's probably in a worse state than she is. Much worse.
But I know my Bella, and I know she's stubborn enough to follow through on things, like this emailing, while denying that the process is harming her.
I even contacted Tom about it, but he assured me that this is something she needs beyond anything else. Even if it may some days upset her very much, this is the best way for her to heal. Confront the demons. She never had that chance with her father, but Edward's state of regret is actually really helpful in working through the traumas.
In a way, he understands her better than anyone else, because he was there, he knew firsthand what a manipulative monster their father had been, and he knows about the horrors that she could never voice to either me or Tom.
When I get ready to get a second serving, I'm surprised to hear Bella close her laptop and get up to join me.
"That looks yummy," she says with a smile.
"Thanks, I have been working out," I reply with a smirk, "but let's eat first."
She laughs and I'm relieved to see her in a good mood.
"How is he doing?" I casually ask, referring to Edward.
"Better, I think," she says, "I got him to go back to the shelter for some volunteering. It's too soon to apply for a full time job, but he needs to get out there anyway. One step at the time."
I can tell from the look in her eyes that she considers this quite an accomplishment, and I can't help to admire this about her. The way she seems to care about her brother, still.
"That's good," I nod.
"What are you smiling about," she asks with a little blush on her cheeks. She tends to do that when I shoot her adoring looks.
"You," I say. "I love you."
Her face lightens up when she responds, "I love you too," but she still looks a little confused, so I elaborate.
"I love the way you feel… compelled to save people. Whenever somebody feels lost, you forget all about yourself and you go out of your way to help them out."
"I'm not trying to save Edward," she mutters.
"Sure you are," I kindly reply.
Bella shrugs, "maybe. Is that wrong of me?"
"No, of course not, I just said I love that about you. It makes you even more wonderful than you already are."
"Stop that," she laughs, but the sparkle in her eyes lets me know that she considers this a compliment. And that she accepts it. Something she wouldn't have done a year ago. There is such a strength in this caring woman.
I suddenly feel overwhelmed with love, and I abandon my plate to walk around the table and pull her into a crushing hug.
She doesn't object, or pull back to continue dinner. Instead, her hands move to the back of my neck, to pull me down for a kiss.
Still overcome with affection, I hungrily answer her kiss, quickly deepening it and earning a soft moan. My tongue wildly strokes hers and the sound of her surrender is making me hard instantly. She can do that to me. Anytime. Anyplace.
Although it usually doesn't happen this fast. Usually we take our time to go from gentle tender kisses to more passionate situations. But now, she seems as needy as I am, and I can't let her go to continue dinner.
My arms wrap around her waist to pull her closer even and she gasps when she feels what she's doing to me. I pull back just a little, to look at her face, to check for any signs of distress, but all I see is red lips and flushed cheeks.
As I dive in again to resume our make out session, she suddenly lifts herself onto the kitchen table and pulls my mouth to hers again.
I groan when I notice that her skirt has ridden up her legs and my groin is now pressed against her underwear. I seems to be what she wanted to feel, because she crosses her ankles behind my legs and pulls me closer even.
I kiss her with abandon, only breaking free to murmur, "Bella, you're driving me insane."
"I know," she replies, but still doesn't stop.
Our hands start moving on their own, looking for more contact, more skin to caress, to rub, or even scratch.
I gulp when I suddenly realize that her fingers have managed to open my belt in the middle of our passion. What is she doing? Does she really want to take it further here? Shouldn't we move this to a more comfortable…?
My thoughts are vanished completely when her hand moves into my boxers and her thumb slides over the wet drop at my tip.
"Bella… what…." I manage, but as she pulls my boxers down to squeeze me all the way to the base, I can't remember what I wanted to say, so I continue kissing whichever skin she offers me.
My tongue darts from her earlobe to her neck, until she suddenly jerks and gasps.
I look at her, but she breathes, "Do that again."
With more fervor, I suck that same spot on her neck again, rewarded by another sharp intake of breath. Her hips shoot forward, pressing her center against my cock.
I almost groan in protest when her hand leaves me, but she's still rubbing me. Only not with her hands this time but with her clearly wet underwear.
My heart is racing and she seems to be in pure bliss, simply from feeling me nipping that one spot in her neck. Without thinking I keep rubbing myself against her, trying to find a way past her underwear, until I can't take it anymore.
Something snaps inside of me. My resolve to always take this slow and gentle has never left me, until now.
I simply need her too much. I need to feel her, all of her.
I push my hand between our heated bodies, and move her panties to the side. All the while, I make sure to keep making love to her neck, so that she won't object. There's no turning back now. I have to have her.
She's so wet for me, she clearly wants this too.
I grab my cock and rub the tip fast over her wet swollen bud. Her legs open wider in approval as she bites down my neck as well.
I know I shouldn't do more, just keep doing this, and keep up this rubbing until she either asks for more or has an orgasm, but I can't. I can't wait.
With my thumb still on her bud, I guide my tip towards her entrance and start pushing. She softly gasps, but doesn't pull back. I make sure she won't, by licking and sucking her neck without restraint and flicking my thumb over her hot flesh in a pace that will make her come soon.
And then I'm there. Inside of her. And it feels like everything I've dreamed about and more.
To have her in my arms, in complete surrender, to have her be mine. I never knew I needed to claim her this way, but clearly I do.
I pull back and slide in again, growing more desperate with every passing second. She groans and so do I as I feel her legs around me push me in deeper even.
This is it. Every final straw of control is lost. I forget all about her neck and her wet folds, as my hands move to grab her hips and move her, rock her against me. Hard and fast.
I can feel my release nearing. Please don't stop me now.
"Oh Bella," I sigh, in between wild thrusts. She murmurs something against my ear, but I can't understand, and I can't slow down either.
I'm so, so very close.
And she feels as delicious as I pound into her again and again.
Until suddenly it's there. I fall into the abyss, stilling her hips against me, pulsing deep inside her. Every fiber of my being is shivering with the waves of my pleasure.
It was a very quick buildup, but still one of the most powerful orgasms I have ever experienced.
As I rest my head on her shoulder, panting heavily, slowly reality is returning to me.
And then it hits me full force. What I did just now. And how…
I feel the ground drop from under my feet. How could I?
After all these months of taking things slow and easing her into intimacy, and letting her know I could wait for all eternity for her, I end up fucking her on the kitchen table, in the most selfish of ways. I didn't aim to please her, I wasn't gentle or assuring, I simply took what I needed.
I feel too ashamed to stand up and look her in the eyes, instead I pull her closer, wrapping my arms around her trembling body.
"Bella," I whisper, not knowing what else I can possibly say.
"Look at me," she mutters.
Reluctantly I pull back and manage to lift my gaze to her face, steadying myself for the look of disappointment, or even horror.
Instead, she smiles at me, still with that beautiful blush on her cheeks. There's clearly triumph in her eyes.
I frown, but she doesn't let me. She sweetly kisses me and whispers, "I love you."
Slowly, my worry and shame fades a bit, when she doesn't seem to hate me.
Instead, she leans closer and whispers in my ear, "that was amazing, but can you please help me… finish?"
Stunned that she seemed to have liked it, I look back, only to see her cheek flush even brighter. She quickly hides her face in my neck again and hesitantly takes my hand from her hips to guide it between our bodies.
I finally understand what she needs, and as my fingertips find her she shudders with a sigh.
I kiss her lips while my hand massages her, the way I know she likes, but she breaks the kiss and shakes her head.
"Do it the way you did before, bite my neck and rub me like you did, wilder."
She seems slightly embarrassed by her request, but mostly needy. I recognize the same desperate want I felt just minutes before, and I understand.
My hormones have calmed down a great deal after my explosive orgasm, but I can still be hungry for hers, so it doesn't take me much effort to resume our make out session with the same amount of passion. Only now I'm not aiming for release.
I use all my affection to focus on her surrender. My thumb brushes against her harder than she should like, but her hips convince me to continue. I ignore the purple bruises that have formed on her neck, as I keep licking and nibbling her sensitive flesh.
And then, without warning, she cries out and convulses against me. Her entire body trembles and jerks as I continue to slide my fingers over her pulsing folds. The intensity of it has made me hard again, but I remind myself that this time isn't about me.
When her trembling subsides I wrap my arms around her and let her rest against my chest.
I'm still very much confused and wonder if maybe she didn't fully realize what I did as long as she remained in a horny daze. Maybe she'll understand now, what a selfish asshole I was, to take what I wanted without much consideration.
To my horror, my fear is confirmed when I notice that she's sobbing.
"Shh, Bella, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I murmur.
With a jump, she sits up and grabs my face in her hands, forcing me to look at her.
I don't understand. She's smiling? And crying.
When I frown again, she starts giggling, while wiping the tears from her cheeks.
"Don't be sorry, silly," she says, in between giggles. I know she often gets giggly after having an orgasm, but never before has she cried.
"Are you okay?" I ask, "did I hurt you?"
"Didn't you hear me say it was amazing?" She smiles, and the amount of love in her eyes makes my knees go weak.
"Yes, but…"
"I don't know why I'm crying. I guess I'm relieved? I honestly started believing I'd never be able to do this. And now… you took me on the kitchen table."
At this she giggles again, but I mutter.
"I'm sorry, it wasn't supposed to be this way."
"What wasn't?"
"Our first time."
She shrugs, "you seemed to like it just fine," she responds with a sly grin.
I can't help but smile back at her sweet giddiness, "oh, I liked it, but…"
"But what? I know you prefer treating me with care and tenderness, but maybe I'm not as fragile as you think. Maybe all that carefulness wasn't working."
She puzzles me even more.
"How do you mean, not working? You could have told me…"
"That's not what I meant. Of course it was working, but not like this, you know, in forcing a breakthrough."
I whisper, "I never meant to force anything, Bella. Not like this."
"I did," she responds, "I needed this. We have all the time in the world for gentle love making, now I know that I can. I guess I just need a nudge. A hard nudge," she laughs. Not in the least distressed.
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, on the kitchen table," she nods. "Who knows if you had slowed down just a tiny bit, if you had asked me if I was sure, or if we had moved this to the bedroom, I might have tensed up just enough to not be able to go through with it. You made sure I didn't get a chance to think, and I understand that it's not how you want to go about it, but it's exactly what I needed. So I don't want to hear any apologies."
"I still think I was a little bit selfish," I admit, "rather a lot. And dominant," I add with shame. Knowing what she went through…
"That was the best part, my love, I've never seen you this… lost in me. You were so hot. I wouldn't change a single thing about it. I swear."
"Alright," I give in reluctantly, "no more apologies."
"Good boy," she smirks, looking thoroughly pleased, and slides off the table "now about that dinner…"
"You're unbelievable," I laugh, while pulling up my boxers and pants.
AN: So... it finally happened! What did you think? Please let me know!
