Disclaimer: Nothing but the original characters belong to me. All songs quoted through-out the story are owned by their respective artists.
Rating: M-ish, overall (for violence, mild language, maybe some sexual innuendo in later chapters, but there will be absolutely NO smut!)
Chapter 29: Black Holes and Revelations
Shortly after dusk, Giles busied himself with dusting off the virtually untouched cash register in the corner of the store. He must admit, he was quite happy that the newly founded Council was funding this place, for he was sure had he decided this was a new path in life, and not just a front to survey paranormal activity, the store would have closed ages ago. The lack of customers certainly made it easier for him to aid Buffy with their new demonic problems, but conversely it made him scowl at the changing times, the lack of respect people had for the written word, for the classics...
The tinkling of the bell attached to the front door broke him out of his thoughts, "I'm sorry, I was just closing up-" he trailed off once he looked up, to find a rather forlorn looking Angel standing in the doorway. "Angel..."
"Giles." He greeted quietly.
Giles put down his dust cloth, and brushed his hands together, "H-how have you been?"
Angel chuckled darkly, "I've been better."
"Yes, I imagine you have... perhaps you'd like to have a seat in my office?" Giles offered.
Once they were settled, Giles at his desk, and Angel slumped in a small armchair against the wall, the awkward silence hadn't dissipated.
"So you knew...?" Angel asked softly.
With a sigh, Giles nodded, "She begged me not to tell you, I'm sorry."
Angel didn't reply.
"I fully understand your reaction Angel, however, you should know that she didn't do it out of malice, she was merely trying to protect you. Albeit, in a mildly misguided fashion..." Giles continued.
"I'm not angry Giles." Angel finally said.
"Oh?"
"Well, I mean, I was mad at first... but the more I think about it, the more I understand why she did what she did."
Giles regarded the vampire solemnly. For a time he had insisted on holding a grudge against him, however, he couldn't remain cold to someone who continuously showed so much devotion to Buffy. Over the many years he'd proven to be a worthy and valuable ally in their battles, not to mention someone he could always turn to for much needed information. It distressed him now to see someone who over the past thirteen years he'd grown to consider not only a colleague, but he supposed also a friend, so terribly haunted.
"When you called, and told me she-she'd died... well, you know what happened, you know how it affected me." Angel recalled shamefully, alluding to the most recent return of Angelus, "And since I woke up here in this body, with a new Slayer, I thought it was some cosmic joke." he sighed, "So now, to find out she's alive, and she's been here all along..."
"It forces you to re-live everything you felt after she died. Every single ounce of pain, of remorse..." Giles finished.
Angel nodded almost imperceptibly. "I think... I think deep down I knew. I sensed her, I just didn't realize what I was feeling, I pushed it away because I was convinced she was gone." It was harder to discuss this than he thought it would be. He trusted Giles, and he'd always called him to check up on Buffy since they'd destroyed the Sunnydale Hellmouth and began travelling the globe thirteen years ago, however he'd never in that time discussed his feelings for her with him. It was new ground, something he wasn't sure he should divulge since Giles was protective of Buffy, and weary of their relationship after the mess it had created after her seventeenth birthday. However, Buffy's secrecy had reminded him of the one secret he'd kept from her all these years, one that he'd been carrying all on his own, that was now threatening to break his back with its weight. "But I have no right to be angry, because I've done the same thing to her." he said.
Giles surveyed Angel with a puzzled look on his face, "What do you mean?"
Angel sighed, "Do you remember sixteen years ago, when I came back to Sunnydale over Thanksgiving without telling Buffy?" he asked.
"Yes?" Giles replied.
"Well, when she came to L.A. to scold me, a Mohra demon attacked us."
Giles' expression became one of shock, "The demon that's blood turned Spike human?" he had grilled the other vampire non-stop when he showed up in Edinburgh with a heartbeat. Spike had finally agreed to tell him what happened as long as he promised to keep it to himself.
"Yes... and when I killed it, it's blood mixed with mine, and I was human. And we... we were happy." Angel smiled sadly as his thoughts were brought back to the events of that day.
"I-I don't understand... what happened then to turn you back?" Giles sputtered.
"I happened. I tried to fight on my own, to prove that I could still help Buffy in battle, that I wouldn't be a liability... and I couldn't. She had to put her life at risk to save me. So I went to the Oracles for the Powers That Be, and asked them to change me back."
Giles listened silently and intently.
"But in order to do so, they had to completely erase everything that happened. The day would have never existed to anyone but me."
Realization dawned on Giles, "You erased Buffy's memory..."
"I did. I didn't want her to end up sacrificing her life trying to keep me safe, she had enough on her shoulders already. And I've lived with it ever since." Angel sighed remorsefully, "So, I don't really blame her for keeping her identity a secret, she was just doing the same thing."
Giles removed his glasses, and rubbed the bridge of his nose, "Yes, I understand..." he muttered in shock. "What will you do now?"
Angel wrung his hands together, "I'm not sure... things rarely go well when we're together..." he chuckled as he rose from his chair to leave.
"I won't judge your decision when you come to it, I want you to know that Angel," Giles began, "But you should know that Buffy has always been stronger with you by her side."
Angel smiled sadly, then, with a nod, turned to leave the office.
"I won't tell her what you told me, by the way... your secret is safe." Giles said.
Angel grinned sadly, "I appreciate it Giles." he replied, then slipped out the door.
Giles watched him go, before sighing heavily. The saga of Buffy and Angel's doomed relationship never ceased to surprise him anymore it seemed. Finding that he'd lost all drive to finish dusting the shop, he decided it was time to call it an evening and return upstairs to his apartment. If Angel did decide to leave town, their burden would be that much heavier once the Hellmouth was unleashed upon them.
~o~
Angel exited the bookstore and began to make his way back down the street towards the industrial part of town. He knew Buffy would most likely be patrolling the graveyard at this time of night, so there was no reason he couldn't still do his part by hunting some vampires while avoiding her. He'd barely made it to the end of the next block when he heard someone calling his name behind him.
"Angel! Hey!" he turned to find Olly jumping out of his beaten down automobile and jogging down the sidewalk to meet him.
"Olly, what's going on?" Angel asked.
"Oh, nothing... nothing... listen, I was thinking, um... or wondering more, if you'd mind maybe teaching me a few moves?" Olly asked hopefully.
"I'm sorry?" Angel asked.
"Fighting moves. I mean, I figure if you're gonna wuss out and skip town again, someone needs to help Maddy-er-Buffy with the slaying."
Angel scowled at the young man, "I don't think that's a good idea. Besides, if Buffy knew you were asking me this, she wouldn't be very happy."
"Well, I'm her friend, and I want to watch her back." Olly argued.
"Maddy was your friend, Buffy-"
"Is still my friend." Olly interrupted. "Yeah, sure, I'll admit it's a bit creepy, but I couldn't even tell the difference. She's good people, and she saved my life, so, I'm gonna stick around... and so should you."
"It's not that simple for me, Kid." Angel sighed in exasperation.
"You love her, and I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say you don't want the world to end... what's so complicated about that?"
"Go home Olly, there are a lot of dangerous things out after dark." Angel warned darkly.
"She only did it cause she loves you, you know." Olly called as Angel turned to walk away.
He stopped, "What?"
"She loves you, stupid, she didn't tell you who she was because she didn't want you to leave her again."
Angel approached Olly menacingly, the younger man cowered slightly, "So you want to learn how to fight?" Angel asked. Olly nodded feebly in response. "I live up the street, number 1432... come by tomorrow night." Angel told him before turning and stalking away.
"O-okay, thanks!" Olly called, as he scurried back to his car and drove away. Angel watched as the car shrank in the distance, then sharply turned to corner at the end of the street with a sickening sense of deja-vu.
It was mere weeks before Buffy and Xander had left for South America, where Xander met his untimely demise. Buffy had called up Angel in New York and asked him to come to Edinburgh to help them defeat this sect of dark sorcerers who were plotting to awaken yet another horrifying and dangerous demon. Giles had been quite worried, leading her to believe that she would need all the help she could get. It turned out that she had been right, as when they got there the demon had already risen. But thankfully, after a long and gruelling battle they came out victorious, and yet another crisis was averted. The New Council had purchased an old manor in which Buffy and her troops of slayers had set up a base, and Angel had made his way to Buffy's office, an old-fashioned and elegant study that seemed more suited to Giles by the sheer amount of old books and antiques that adorned the room, and discovered her perched on the edge of her desk, with Xander sprawled out on a luxurious velvet chaise lounge, both holding a tumbler filled with amber coloured liquid in their hand, and laughing quite loudly. Buffy stopped abruptly upon laying eyes on Angel.
"Angel." She said, slight surprise colouring her voice as she placed her glass down on the desk, and rose to her feet.
"Hey! Angel-man! Nice fighting out there, cheers!" Xander toasted before taking a large swig of his drink, and making a sour face.
"You too..." he muttered before turning his attention back to Buffy, who still stood awkwardly in front of the desk. "I, um, I'm gonna be heading back to New York so..."
"Right." Buffy nodded, "Thanks so much for your help, I really don't think we could have done this without you." she said as she left the edge of the desk to join Angel by the door.
"I don't know, you've got a pretty solid team of Slayers here, I'm sure you could have managed." he replied.
"Managing doesn't necessarily cut it when it comes to fighting evil." Buffy replied with a small nervous laugh.
"I guess you're right... at any rate, you're doing well for yourself Buffy, I'm proud." Angel said with a smile.
Buffy beamed at him, "Thank you... it means a lot... really."
They lost themselves momentarily in each others eyes, from the couch Xander was sure he saw Angel's hands twitch, as though he were about to raise his arms to embrace Buffy, but then stopped himself.
"Well, it was good to see you." Angel finally said, rather curtly, as he stuffed his hands into his duster pockets.
Buffy blinked herself back to reality, then taking the smallest of steps back from him politely said "Yes, you too." Hurt flickered briefly in her eyes, and she bit her lip. "Have a safe trip home." she said, then stepped past him and left the room. Angel remained rooted to the spot, and Xander began to chortle as he took another sip from his drink, "You're an idiot..." he slurred.
"Beg your pardon?" Angel asked.
Xander simply continued to grin lazily, "Don't play dumb, man."
Angel ground his teeth together in frustration, though his relationship with the young man had improved greatly over the years, he still found him infuriating at times. "It was good seeing you Xander" he sighed, and slowly turned towards the door.
Xander sighed and sat up, placing his drink down on the mahogany table in front of him, then rubbed his hands over his face, "Come on, Angel, don't be like that." Xander pleaded sincerely. The inebriated, goofy demeanour he'd possessed mere moments ago had completely disappeared and he sat solemnly leaning on his knees, silently staring at Angel.
Angel noted his sudden change in behaviour, and with a small shake of his head, turned back around to face him, "Alright, what is it?"
Xander pressed his lips together tightly, and stared at his tented fingers before looking back up to Angel, "You didn't hear this from me... and she's way too proud and self-sacrificing to admit it – probably even to herself... but she still loves you."
Angel exhaled superfluously, "Xander-"
"No, man, hear me out before you start spewing your excuses, alright?"
With a rather unimpressed look on his face, Angel nodded.
"Good." Xander exclaimed, then was serious again. "Now I know you have that pesky curse thing... and God knows I'm in no hurry to have a reunion with your evil twin anytime soon... But I think after everything Buffy's been through, she deserves to be happy. And although it took me a really, really long time to accept it: you make her happy."
Angel was taken aback slightly by Xander's altruism, especially since it was directed partially towards him.
"And, you know, you've done your share of good deeds... it's really not all that fair that you keep beating yourself up for stuff you did a hundred-plus years ago... you should be happy too – but only in moderation." Xander stated with a warning wag of his finger.
Angel wrung his hands together, "I know you mean well, Xander, and it's always eased my mind that Buffy has someone like you to look out for her... but I just don't think we fit in each others' world's anymore."
"I don't know. I always thought when it came to love, if you wanted it bad enough, you made it work." Xander replied roughly, reaching for his drink.
Angel simply studied the man sitting before him on the lounge chair. This wasn't the impetuous jealous teenager he'd met back in Sunnydale, this was a man who had been weathered by many battles, by many losses. Angel wished he could shut him up with the usual 'I've lived longer, and experienced more than you ever will' speech, but when it came to love, Angel wasn't sure it applied.
Xander continued to stare at Angel, a tiny smirk played on his lips the longer it took for him to respond and he cocked an eyebrow sardonically as he readjusted his eyepatch.
"Take care of yourself Xander." Angel finally said.
Xander's expression didn't change as Angel turned to exit the room, "Yeah... you too Angel." he called as he shook his head, and lifted his glass back up to his lips.
Angel found himself wondering now what would have happened if he'd taken Xander's advice. Would he still be alive? Would Buffy and himself have still been thrown into these other people's bodies? Would Braebrook be on the brink of splitting open and unleashing unknown evils on the earth? The thought of Buffy having to battle whatever Dustin may call forth with only Willow, Giles, Lily and Olly as back-up made him queasy. The other Slayers were busy picking up the slack now that Buffy couldn't hunt down and train any new potentials anymore, leaving a lack of man power to help Buffy in the coming crisis. It didn't take any consideration for Angel to come to the realization that it would be far worse to lose Buffy again than it would be to deal with their strained relationship and help her fight. Angel smirked, and shook his head. "Damnit Xander..." he muttered under his breath. His thoughts were interrupted as he passed by a dead-end alley, and spotted two vampires in the process of cornering a young woman against a dumpster. Angel launched into action, a good fight was exactly what he needed right now.
"He said to lose my life or lose my love
That's the nightmare I've been running from
So let me hold you in my arms a while
I was always careless as a child
And there's a part of me that still believes
My soul will soar above the trees
But a desperate fear flows through my blood
Our dead love's buried beneath the mud "
- "To Lose My Life" by White Lies
~o~
I felt it was only fair to have a chapter about how Angel feels about this whole mess, poor guy.
Now, before any of you ask, Buffy is not going to find out about what really happened in IWRY. Enough people have explored that, and I don't really have any new and original ideas on the subject, so it remains a secret. Besides, I think they have enough problems to sort out without adding that one to the laundry list, I only had Angel confess to Giles as an explanation of why he feels he can't really be angry at Buffy for hiding the truth from him.
My flashback between Xander and Angel was probably one of my more favourite parts to write. I feel that a more mature Xander would eventually get over his hatred of Angel, and in light of losing Anya he would probably be a lot more sympathetic to Buffy and Angel's situation...maybe I just want to redeem everyone in this story, haha.
Now that I've got most of the story set-up, I tried to weave Olly and Lily into things a bit more, this little exchange between Olly and Angel was sort of the beginning of it.
Until next week!
Reviews are greatly appreciated :)
