Still off the Key of Reason

Chapter 29: Just Make It with a Big Bambino

"Oh, what a sweetheart! How old is he?"

Rachel looked up and beamed. She and Quinn lay on a picnic blanket in Central Park with James stretched out between them. He was on his back-fists in the air-staring wide eyed up at the tree above them. Quinn dangled a carrot in front of his face.

"He's nine weeks." Rachel chirped.

The woman's face lit up in recognition. "You're Rachel Berry!"

Quinn cut her eyes over to this stranger.

"I am, yes." Rachel chuckled. She briefly wondered if this was all an elaborate ploy to get a picture of her or James. Psychopaths were meticulous in their planning.

"I was so excited when I read that you two had had your baby. He's going to be so talented and beautiful." The woman gushed. "I have four kids of my own and you guys are just going to have so much fun."

Rachel smiled at her excitement. "Thank you! That's so sweet of you to say."

"My kids used to love the park too. We'd bring them on picnics when they were babies just to get out of the house for a while."

Quinn rolled over onto her stomach and tickled James's tummy. She kissed his cheek and babbled in his ear, tuning out the conversation.

"You should have pictures taken." The woman continued. "I know a lot of people who'd love to share this with you, if you'd like. He's absolutely gorgeous."

Rachel couldn't argue with somebody who rained so many compliments down on her little boy.

"We'll certainly consider that."

Quinn blew loudly on James's belly. His little fists tangled absently in her blonde hair.

"They're sweethearts." The woman remarked. She rocked on her heels and smiled knowingly as she watched Rachel watch them.

It's not like Rachel could disagree. Quinn picked up James's arm and pretended to bite into it.

"It was so nice to meet you, Mrs. Berry." The stranger took a step back and lifted her hand. "And Quinn and your boy. I hope you all have a nice day. My husband and dog were supposed to be waiting but they've probably left without me!"

Quinn sat abruptly up on her shoulder. "What kind of dog do you have?"

The woman looked mildly surprised. "A collie actually."

Rachel laughed when her wife's eyes lit up.

"I bet he likes herding your family." Quinn smiled at her feet. "Walking behind you, nibbling at your legs, keeping everyone together. What's his name?"

"Baby, she has to go before her husband leaves her behind." Rachel joked.

The woman stopped and smiled, pleased to have piqued Quinn's interest. "His name's Rocky. He's six."

"Does he have-"

"Quinn, let the poor woman go." Rachel pressed, tossing a grape at her wife.

Quinn dug it out of her lap and threw it right back. "Stop throwing things, Rachel." She glanced back up at the woman and smiled nicely. "Tell-tell Rocky we say hello. He sounds lovely."

Rachel waved good bye as the woman walked away, and then got up and moved around James to lie right next to Quinn. Quinn scoffed and huffed and tried to push her away, but Rachel held fast. She calmly rested her head on Quinn's shoulder while Quinn squirmed and poked at her cheeks and back and ribs.

"Ew. What is this?" she drawled, nose scrunched up. She prodded Rachel's side. "Jimbo, look, there's a giant bug on me. This is disgusting. What is it? I can't get it off."

Rachel devolved into laughter in Quinn's neck.

"Oh my God, James, it makes noises!"

"Did you call me disgusting?" Rachel asked against Quinn's ear.

"This is-this is repulsive. I need to squash it." Quinn continued, straight-faced. "It's talking now. James, it's latched onto me like a parasite. I need you to get help."

Rachel laughed loudly, swatting at Quinn's arms. "Shut your face, bear."

"Okay, okay, I think I've angered it." Quinn jabbed Rachel's sides and squeezed her closer. "It's turning violent. James, this bug is huge."

"I'll bite you." Rachel threatened.

"It bites, James!" Quinn rolled them over until she was on top of Rachel. She met Rachel's eyes and smiled. "This is just revolting. I can't get rid of her."

"Stop calling me names." Rachel tried to scold.

She was smiling so widely that it was ineffective.

Quinn squeezed Rachel's cheeks together. "Oh wait, James, it's not a bug; it's only mama."

"You think you're funny."

"I think you look hot in your little shorts."

Rachel gasped. A laugh worked its way out as well. "Quinn."

Sitting under a tree in Central Park, this was not like her. Quinn grinned and nuzzled Rachel's cheek.

"You have grass in your hair." Rachel informed wryly, picking it out and flicking it away.

Quinn sighed and propped herself up and fixed Rachel with a scolding gaze. "God, Rachel. Stop playing around. Pay attention to our baby before he gets up and runs away."

Rachel was shoved gently backwards until she sat on her folded legs next to James.

"Mommy's being silly today, isn't she James?" she leaned down and whispered.

Quinn rolled onto her stomach and slithered forward until she was at Rachel's side. She smiled down at James and tapped one of his flushed, chubby cheeks. He kicked his legs in the air and grabbed his feet and made an "ohh" sound.

Rachel tried to mimic it and Quinn snorted and then covered her nose.

"How do you get him to make noises?" Rachel wondered longingly. She tapped the front of his sunshine yellow onesie.

Quinn shrugged, amused. "He's not a Furby, baby."

But they were similar. Constantly making noise throughout the night-despite all efforts to the contrary-speaking their own language, blinking wide blue eyes.

Rachel rolled her eyes. She sat up straight and glanced around and did a double-take at a little clump of people several yards away. Her first thought was that they'd been watching her, but she realized they were looking down at a dog. Rachel's view was blocked, but there were a couple of guys kneeling, another standing up, and a woman and some kids.

She nudged Quinn's shoulder. "Look, babe."

Quinn peered where Rachel nodded and narrowed her eyes. As they watched, a woman stepped out of the way and they got a clear view of the dog-a large black mutt with floppy ears and a fluffy tail.

He was pawing a bit, but not standing up, and one of the guys starting frantically pushing on his abdomen.

Quinn scrambled up immediately. "What…" She wavered in a sort of lunge position, watching critically.

"Baby, go. Go." Rachel urged, nudging Quinn's back. Quinn was off in a flash. Rachel scooped James up and held him closely against her chest and followed.

The small crowd looked bewildered at Quinn, who crouched quickly at the dog's side and pushed the guy away.

"She's a vet." Rachel supplied. They glanced at her worriedly. "She's-it's okay."

She remembered what it was like rushing Cornelius around with a bone lodged in his throat. Panicked and anxious and desperate for anybody who could help.

"We thought-we thought he might have something stuck in his throat." One of the guys-about their age, in a Yankees cap-explained. "We were-he was just lying there, totally fine, and he started shaking and I don't know if he can breathe-"

Quinn jammed her hand into the dog's mouth, wedging it against her knee. She ran her other one over his throat, and then down to palpate his abdomen.

"Has he been supervised the whole time? Eaten anything? Swallowed any-shhhi-oot." Quinn seized the dog's nose as the tremors increased abruptly. She stretched it out so that his airway was as clear as possible.

"We-no, we weren't watching him earlier." A woman answered, wringing her hands together. A little girl clung to her leg, watching the dog's face.

Rachel bit her lip and held James closely. He was asleep, blissfully oblivious.

"It-he's-his mouth is swelling." Quinn's eyes darted around. "He's eaten something-a plant or a poisonous bug or something. We need-does anyone have peroxide? A first-aid kit or anything?"

The guy in the Yankees cap shook his head. "We could run home? Or-"

"No, that's not-he's about to-" Quinn ran a hand through her hair and glanced around quickly. "Where's-where-"

Rachel stepped forward when she realized Quinn was looking for her. "What do you need, baby?"

Quinn's eyes landed on her, urgent but controlled. Quinn still had a hand in the dog's mouth, holding his tongue out of his throat.

"Salt. We brought-for those vegan cracker things-you brought salt, right? Like a big-we need like-like half a cup."

Rachel nodded quickly. One of the guys followed her when he realized she was carrying a baby, and she directed him to the pouch in her picnic basket that held the fairly large salt and pepper shakers. He removed the salt, pried off the top, and hurried back to Quinn with Rachel on his heels.

Quinn shifted and wedged the dog's head between her knees. He squirmed and pawed, but she murmured quietly in his ear and held him solidly. She pried open his jaw, eyed the amount of salt in the shaker, and dumped it carefully into the back of his throat. Then she held his jaw closed, tipped his head back, and waited until she watched him swallow.

"What's-what's that for?" the little girl asked hesitantly.

Quinn looked over and smiled slightly, still squeezing the dog's head to hold off the tremors. "Your dog has something funny in his tummy, so we're just trying to get it out, honey."

Rachel smiled.

"So it'll make him throw up?" The girl scrunched up her nose.

Quinn nodded. "He'll feel better." She looked up at the adults milling about in various stages of anxiety. She seemed to suddenly realize all eyes were on her, and she flushed and looked back at the dog. "You'll-you'll want to take him straight to your vet. They'll probably pump his stomach or give him charcoal to neutralize what-whatever he ate."

"His name's Badger." The little girl provided.

"Badger." Quinn repeated. She leaned towards the girl. "Did you-did you know they're the world's fastest diggers? Faster than a dog or a person with a shovel or anything else."

"Really?" The girl let go of her mom's hand and stepped forward.

"Really. I can-there are real ones at the zoo I can show you."

The girl gasped, fascinated. "You work at the zoo?"

Rachel almost laughed. She could feel the adults around her falling in love with her wife. She kissed James's head and rocked him lightly, eyes on Quinn's careful hands holding Badger's head.

Quinn was ready to reply when Badger started making deep, guttural noises. It was a familiar sound. Cornelius and Barnaby ate so much junk that Rachel knew exactly what came next. Quinn shifted out from under the dog, tipped his head forward, and let go of his tongue.

The throaty noises got louder until he vomited-green and red and not normal at all-and Quinn let go of his ears once she realized he could hold his head up. He threw up twice more, panting heavily, and his eyes were brighter already.

His tail flopped against the ground when Quinn scratched his head. She stood up and gestured that it was alright for the guy in the Yankees cap to pick Badger up, and Quinn stepped out of the way and ran a shaky hand through her hair.

She nodded sweetly at everybody who thanked her profusely. "It's what I-it's no problem. You're very welcome."

A few people clapped her on the back, and she rocked on her heels and watched the young family hurry away with Badger.

Rachel sidled up behind her with James in her arms and hip-checked Quinn's butt. Quinn spun, surprised, and flushed at Rachel's expression.

"I love you, baby." Rachel gushed quietly. "James says that was very cool and he's so proud of you."

Quinn rolled her eyes and pressed her lips together.

"He says it got a little gross at the end, but he can overlook that because mommy saved a puppy dog." Rachel rambled.

"I'm sure he did."

Rachel smiled and moved to hand James over to Quinn, but Quinn held up her hands and Rachel remembered that they'd been jammed down Badger's throat. She grimaced and kept James close to her own chest. They probably needed to leave before their baby ended up with a tan.

Quinn gathered up their picnic supplies and locked the baby carrier into the stroller. Rachel settled James in, and then wandered over to Quinn and wrapped her arms around her waist from behind.

Quinn groaned immediately. "Oh my God, that bug's back. I thought I squashed it."

Rachel laughed into the back of her neck.

~oooooooooooo~

It was hard to remember the last time they'd slept in together. James seemed to be having a quiet night, and Rachel kicked off her sheets because she was overheating and rolled clumsily towards Quinn. Quinn grumbled into her pillow. She reached an arm around Rachel's back and dragged her closer.

"Why are you so hot?" she mumbled.

"Same reason you're naked, bear."

Quinn blinked open her eyes, confused. She lifted her head and glanced down at herself. "Where are my pajamas?"

Rachel smiled. "You must have taken them off in the night."

Quinn nodded absently and sighed.

"Are you awake enough to talk, baby?"

Quinn grunted.

"Good." Rachel chirped. She rolled her eyes around her head while she thought and rubbed Quinn's back to make sure she didn't fall back asleep. "I think we should start working out a schedule for you to go back to work."

Quinn watched her blearily, half of her face hidden.

"You miss it, right? Especially after yesterday." Rachel checked. She tapped Quinn's warm cheek, eager for some kind of response even though she already knew the answer.

Quinn nodded against her pillow.

"So I think as long as we keep breast milk in the fridge, you can go to work during the day and I'll have my shows during the evenings, and we won't even need to hire anybody to watch James."

Quinn rubbed at her eyes. "I'm so hot." she complained quietly.

Rachel kicked the sheets all the way to the bottom of the bed, shamelessly raking her eyes down Quinn's body on the way. She glowed in the sun coming through the curtains.

"Do you agree? We won't need to hire anybody, right?" Rachel pressed. She brushed the hair out of Quinn's face and played with Quinn's fingers.

Quinn frowned in concentration. "If you-sometimes you have rehearsals and interviews during the day. What then?"

"Then…we ask Santana and Britt or Kurt and Blaine or Puck. We have many options."

"I think you just don't want a stranger looking after our baby." Quinn smiled softly, tired.

Rachel scoffed. Her eyes shifted up to the ceiling fan.

"We're not going to leave him with some stranger." Quinn assured. "If we do hire somebody, they will be professional and wonderful and we will know them backwards and forwards."

"But we still won't know them." Rachel argued.

Quinn narrowed her eyes. "Like…biblically?"

Rachel scoffed even louder. She squeezed Quinn's fingers and dropped her fist lightly against the bed. "Don't be dense."

"Then spell it out for me, baby." Quinn drawled, propping her head up with her hand.

Rachel licked her lips and hemmed around and spun the wedding ring on Quinn's finger.

"Rachel…" Quinn whispered. "What's wrong? Do I need to put some clothes on?"

"I don't want-I don't-" Rachel sighed, exasperated. She shook her head and stared at Quinn's mouth. "I don't want somebody else looking after him. He already likes you better than me. What if…he'll just grow attached to more people."

Quinn's mouth dropped open slightly in surprise. "He already…what?"

"He…he holds up his little hands for you. He makes noises for you." Rachel described, feeling like she was shrinking with every word. "It's not a surprise, since I'm not really-"

"Don't finish that sentence, Rachel." Quinn said sharply, taking hold of her wrist.

Rachel met her hard gaze, heart beating wildly. "I'm-I wasn't going to say what you think I was."

Quinn searched her face.

"I promise, bear." Rachel soothed. "I was going to say since I don't have as much one on one contact with him as you do. Breastfeeding and all. He-it's only natural he likes you better."

Quinn's expression softened. She looked mildly distressed-complemented by messy blonde bed hair- and she refused to release Rachel's wrist. "He doesn't like me better. That's ridiculous."

"It's not ridiculous."

"Rachel." Quinn's voice was pained. She tipped forward-wide awake now-and forced Rachel to look at her.

"What?" Rachel mumbled. She bent Quinn's fingers back and forth.

"He loves you just as much as he loves me."

"I know he loves me, but he doesn't like me." Rachel was feeling increasingly stupid with this conversation.

Quinn traced the slight dimple in her cheek. "You know Hiram told me that you used to spit up all the time on him. It was only him. You would be happy and jolly with Leroy, and then he'd hand you to Hiram and everything would just come back up."

"I don't like milk." Rachel remarked quietly.

Quinn hummed. "You're like Jimbo, baby. Did you choose to be difficult for Hiram?"

"No." Rachel mumbled.

"He's only a baby. He's just doing what babies do." Quinn assured. "He loves mommy and mama. Can't you see it in his eyes? And he told me that yesterday."

Rachel's lips twitched. "See. He talks to you. He doesn't talk to me."

Quinn grinned. She tipped further forward and tickled Rachel's side. "Really? So all those conversations you've told me you had with him were lies, little bear?"

"Nooo." Rachel dragged out, squirming away.

"So he never actually said he was proud of me? He didn't tell you that he loved those overpriced, fancy little baby tap shoes you bought him? Have you just been making this stuff up?"

Rachel laughed loudly and tried to shove Quinn's dancing hands away. "Get lost, bear."

"Okay." Quinn nodded seriously. "I'll just be down here." She pointed to the end of the end of the bed and crawled there on her hands and knees, wiggling her butt exaggeratedly. Rachel shook her head and laughed and watched her go.

Quinn turned abruptly and gently grasped Rachel's ankle to untangle her legs. Rachel was suddenly aware of where this was going. Quinn caught her eye, eyebrow raised playfully.

"That's not getting lost." Rachel remarked. She let Quinn tug down her cotton sleep shorts and underwear, and Quinn pulled her legs up and kissed both of her knees.

"I can go somewhere else if you'd like. I'll go have a nice conversation with James, or-"

"Goodness, you're annoying." Rachel drawled, shaking her head and locking her legs around Quinn. "You know you're not going anywhere."

Quinn smiled sweetly. She tipped forward and kissed Rachel's belly and then settled between her thighs.

~ooooooooooo~

James had been crying since they stepped out of the car-short, breathy wails that filled up the small photography studio. He wheeled his arms around and lolled his head from side to side, ignoring Quinn's hushing and singing and dancing.

"He's just tired." Rachel assured the photographer-a small, dark haired woman named Emily.

Emily nodded easily, adjusting the tripod. She spoke loudly to be heard over James. "This happens all the time. Usually we just start the shoot and they'll calm themselves down. It's alright if he falls asleep."

Quinn was bent over the baby carrier, in the middle of the Pooh Bear theme song.

"Honey, let's just take him out and put him where he needs to be, and then work on settling him down." Rachel suggested.

Quinn stopped singing and glanced over her shoulder. She nodded and dipped down to scoop James up, and then rocked him easily while Emily directed her where to go. James was in a simple long-sleeved onesie with navy blue stripes and buttons down the front. Quinn had barely managed to convince Rachel not to pin a bow tie to his collar.

She'd brought them anyway-one blue, one polka dot-both in her purse. Maybe she'd be able to stick one on when Quinn wasn't looking.

"He has beautiful eyes." Emily mused, helping Quinn situate James on the table. He was lying on his front with dark blue blankets tucked around his sides, bawling breathlessly.

Quinn smiled at Rachel. "Yeah, they-they match his outfit."

"Is his hair okay?" Rachel worried. She'd brought a baby comb as well, just in case the wavy tuft of blonde suddenly became tangled beyond belief.

Emily stepped back and smiled at her work. "He's perfect. I'll take a few of him crying first-sort out the lighting and everything-and then we'll need a smile."

Rachel walked over and stood by Quinn while Emily moved to her camera.

"Baby Jay, Jon Bon, King James…" Quinn sang lightly, tapping the table.

James plowed on, undeterred.

Quinn tilted her head. "Maybe he's not ready for the spotlight."

Rachel scoffed. She looped an arm through Quinn's and leaned into her side. "It's like he's getting little baby head-shots. Of course he's ready."

"Not everybody loves it like you do."

"Those eyes were born for cameras, Quinn. That face-your face-you know, you could be a movie star if you wanted." Rachel poked Quinn's side and played with the blue sash on her dress.

Quinn hummed and shook her head.

"Why not?"

"You know why not, little bear." Quinn smiled and lifted a hand to run it through her hair. Rachel seized her wrist because her hair was neat and tidy for once and she'd be damned if it turned into a fluffy blonde mess before they got their pictures taken.

"We could be a power couple." Rachel joked, pinning Quinn's wrist to her side. "You, the gorgeous movie star, me, the Broadway phenomenon. James, child prodigy."

"Gorgeous Broadway phenomenon." Quinn corrected absently.

Rachel hugged Quinn's arm and kissed her bare shoulder.

"Okay, we're ready if you'd like to try to settle him down now." Emily suggested, stepping away from her camera.

Quinn turned to Rachel immediately, smiling like she knew something Rachel didn't. "You should sing to him."

"You were doing that earlier and it wasn't working." Rachel shook her head. "We should-"

"No, Rachel, baby, just sing to him." Quinn stepped over in front of James, dragging Rachel with her. She rubbed his back a little bit, and his crying paused for a moment, but then started up even louder.

Rachel sighed. She took a breath and sang quietly-the first thing that came to mind. She really couldn't see this working. "Hey mambo, mambo Italiano…hey, hey mambo, mambo Italiano…go, go, go, you mixed up Siciliano…"

Quinn turned and stared at her.

"All you Calabrese do the mambo like a-crazy with the, hey mambo, don't wanna tarantella, hey mambo, no more mozzarella…"

James wails turned slowly into breathy sighs. Quinn looked like she was barely containing laughter.

Rachel ignored her. "Hey mambo, mambo Italiano, try an enchilada with a fish baccala…hey goomba, I love how you dance the rumba, but take some advice paisano, learn a-how to mambo…"

"Oh my God." Quinn muttered, delighted.

Rachel trailed off somewhere around "big bambino." James looked up at her, wide-eyed. It was like he was staring through her. Rachel smiled, pleased.

"That's the song you choose?" Quinn questioned, brow raised. "The one from…Papa John's, or Dominoes or whate-"

"Dean Martin. We don't speak of that commercial." Rachel said shortly. "And it was the first thing that popped into my head."

Quinn hummed, amused. She glanced back at James. "And you say he doesn't like you."

James's gaze hadn't shifted. He stared at Rachel's face.

"You just made his whole world better, baby." Quinn remarked. "Mine too, actually, just because of those lyrics."

"I didn't make them up." Rachel defended absently, gazing down at James. She smiled softly when he blinked and banged his hand against the table.

Quinn put her chin on Rachel's shoulder. "You believe me now, right?"

"I always believed you."

"You wanted to, but you didn't." Quinn shook her head. "He likes us both. He's probably sick of us too. I know I'm sick of you."

Rachel hummed vaguely. Quinn smiled to herself.

"I'll go back to work next week. I don't think we'll need to hire anybody."

Rachel nodded again. Quinn squeezed her into a hug and then dragged her away so that Emily could take the pictures. They got several of James by himself, swaddled in blankets or lying against a white background with the polka dot baby bow tie pinned to his collar. Then Emily arranged the three of them for several more shots.

There was Rachel with James in her arms, Quinn squeezing them in a hug from behind. Kissing James's cheeks, kissing each other, draped over the table, standing up, laughing, pulling faces, Rachel chastising Quinn for grabbing her butt in one of the shots.

Rachel was exhausted by the time they got out to the car again. Taking family pictures was worse than walking the red carpet. She opened the backseat and settled James's carrier in. She glanced up, confused, when Quinn opened the other side and started crawling through.

"One more, baby." Quinn smiled, holding up her phone.

Rachel was never one to turn it down. She would be grinning for pictures on her death bed.

She shifted the carrier so that James was facing the phone and tipped over the side of it so that she could blow on his belly. Quinn smiled brightly-mouth wide open-and held the phone at arm's distance so that she could get all three of them.

She took the picture and nodded, satisfied, and showed it to Rachel.

Rachel, eyes closed, smiling and blowing a raspberry on James's tummy. Quinn pressed against her shoulder, nearly falling out the door, mouth wide open in Rachel's direction. James stared solidly at the camera, chubby cheeks puffed out, bow tie crooked.

"We look like morons." Rachel laughed. "Take another one."

Quinn shook her head and held the phone away. "No, I like this one."

"Bear, please take another one. My eyes are closed."

"You're a moron, baby. I love this one and I'm not listening to you." Quinn smiled and kissed her cheek and clumsily climbed out of the backseat. Her heel broke as soon as she hit the asphalt, and she staggered around a bit, mumbling to herself.

Rachel sighed and chuckled and straightened James's bowtie.

Quinn had made the picture her wallpaper by the time they pulled out of the parking lot.