Nova's right. In everything she's ever told me about love and sex, she's right. I've never felt this way before. I've never gotten so much pleasure from a simple act, from an act that used to torment and drive me insane. Now, it drove me insane in a different way. Charon's sweaty body, my own sweaty body, and our heavy breathing just seemed to fit together.
He closed his eyes, kissing me on the lips. I've never felt so…so exhilarated. Like this could very well kill me it feels so good. Sometimes, his name would slip from my mouth, but it would come out soft, and full of something I'd never heard before. Is that what it sounds like, when you call someone's name out of love and lust? I don't know, probably. Every time I called to him, he'd kiss me a bit harder, run his fingers through my hair a bit rougher, and I'd feel a bit more pleasure.
Our thighs rubbed, and it didn't feel like I was doing something wrong. I didn't have the pit in the bottom of my stomach I had felt with Butch, instead all I felt was something so warm, so comforting. I felt my entire body stiffen under him, my nails digging into his back. His arms slid under me, holding me against his chest. I guess this is what Nova talked about, when she said it's like the world stops. When she said it's different, when it's with someone you truly love.
My entire body felt numb, but a good kind of numb. Tingles traveled up and down my spine, and I felt my heart beat faster and faster. I've never felt this way. I don't want it to go away. Charon's body stiffened, too, and he pulled his lips from mine. Opening my eyes, I saw his milky white ones staring back at me, filled with an emotion that wasn't there before. It was like everything was on pause, the world froze in its tracks, and everyone around the world celebrated with me. I could hear the wind outside, as if I was congratulating me on finding something so rare, as if I was the only one in the world who ever felt this way.
Charon kissed the top of my head, his heavy breathing offering me comfort somehow. He slid away from me, and I didn't try to stop him. I felt his entire body shift, leaving. He rolled over me, onto his side, and instantly pulled me into him, like having no contact for a few seconds would kill him. I didn't mind, I felt the same way. Sweat dripped from his forehead, and I buried my face in his chest. His arms wrapped around my naked body, and I could hear his heart beating faster than it ever has before. That's okay though, because mine's beating faster, too.
With a free hand, I pulled the blanket from the foot of the bed, and brought it over us, like a big shield of comfort. For tonight, we don't have to worry about anything. For tonight, we're safe here, in this home, in this old town. It's the first night I've ever felt so quiet, so full of peace. Did Nova ever feel a fraction of this when she was with Gob? I don't know. I don't know if anyone's ever felt like this. Like nothing in the world could ever matter as much as he does to me right now.
His hands entwined in my hair, and he kissed the top of my head gently. I tried to press myself further into him, trying to dissolve and make us become one solid person. But that can't happen, but I can try. I'd give anything to feel this way all the time, to have it all quiet, to have it all silent inside, and feel nothing but pure ecstasy and quiet joy.
"Charon…"
I said, sighing. I felt his hands trace down my back, his fingers running along the scar. He pulled me in closer, his arms are like a big comfort blanket to me. He didn't say anything back, I'm sure he doesn't know what to say. Neither do I, but I just want to hear his voice, and know this happened. Know that it's really him.
"Charon?"
I asked, closing my eyes. I felt so tired, so warm, so comfortable.
"Yes?"
It is him. His voice is soft, but it's his.
"Don't…don't leave me."
"I will not."
I feel warm inside, warm and quiet. It's like nothing is going on, like we're the only two people in the world. Is this what normalcy feels like? To have it all quiet and peaceful? I think so, I do. There's no noise other than the wind, and Charon's raspy breathing. I don't feel cold like I usually do at night, I feel warm, comfortably warm. Outside is filled with chaos, death, destruction and mayhem. But in here, in this old house, with Charon under these covers, it's peaceful. It's tranquil, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
"I don't want to go to sleep…"
I mumble, sighing and trying to stay awake.
"Why? You need rest."
"Because it'll be over when I wake up."
"What will be over?"
"This feeling, the quiet. If I go to sleep, I'll wake up and have to do everything tomorrow all over again."
"Tomorrow will bring another night."
"Promise?"
"Yes."
He stroked my hair, rubbing my back. I shifted my weight, feeling his naked body against mine.
"We've seen everything, Charon…"
Conversation seemed like the only thing I could do to keep myself awake.
"Yes, we have seen a lot."
"People won't like this, if they find out about us."
"It does not matter, what people may think."
"I don't want us to get hurt over it."
"We will not."
"Charon, let's run away. Let's just skip out of town right now and run."
"Run where?"
"I don't know. North, South, East, West, it doesn't matter. Let's go somewhere no one knows us. We can take on the world, and be together forever and ever."
Charon sighed deeply, his lips kissing my head.
"Not every place in the world has ghouls, Dez. The Pitt is not far, yet they have never seen someone like me."
"So?"
"It can create danger. People may be more likely to shoot at me."
"They won't, they'll see me, and I'm human."
Charon pulled away from me just enough so he could see my face. I blinked, and he stroked my cheek with his hand. I kissed his thumb, and sighed.
"You are not human, Dez."
I looked at him, a bit worried.
"What? Am I turning into a ghoul? Did the Trog come back?"
Charon shook his head, calm.
"No. You are resistant to radiation now, you are no longer human."
"People won't know that. They won't know until I show them, and I won't show them."
"If you went somewhere as irradiated as The Pitt, people would notice. You would not be affected, and after time, they will soon catch on."
"It's a good thing, I'm a hybrid. My DNA is better now."
"People may not think so. They may fear you, attack you, suspect you are part of an unknown experiment."
Charon makes sense. He always makes perfect sense, but I don't want to listen. I want to run away, I want to see the world with him.
"I don't care. They won't know, we won't stay in one place too long. Please? We can go right now, and just not tell anyone."
"And what of Gob and Nova? What if they need you? People here need you."
"I don't care about anyone here. Gob and Nova are safe in Underworld, they won't need me."
Charon sighed, kissing my forehead. I closed my eyes, sniffing away the tears building up. I wish he knew how much running away meant to me. I wish he understood how badly I wanted to run away from this godforsaken place, and make a new life.
"Dez…this is not a choice to be made irrationally."
"I'm not being irrational. If we leave now, right now, we don't have to go to Paradise Falls. We can just go, off and run far away."
"We do not have to go to Paradise Falls now."
"I just want to go away. I just want to live in peace, without being followed…"
"You will not find peace in this world, Dez. It is not that kind of world. No matter where you go, there will be others who will scorn you. There will be people who disagree, and monsters who chase you."
I wiped my eyes and looked at him, smirking.
"Why do you always have to be right?"
He kissed my cheek, and wrapped me back in his arms.
"For now, we may find peace in doing this. We do not need to run away to search for it. It may be temporary, but it is peace."
"Yeah…you're right. Again."
"Mhm."
I still want to run. I don't want to stay here, in this place where everyone hates me. Even with Charon's logic, I still think there's a place out there where I can live in peace. Where people won't hate me and turn their noses up at me. Where maybe my actions can change, and people will congratulate me on what I've done. I've given this world water, clean, fresh water, and still they hate me.
Resting my head against a pillow and Charon, I sighed loudly.
"You are not trying to sleep."
Charon said, his eyes closed.
"No, I guess not."
"You should."
"Charon? What were you like back before the war?"
He sighed, playfully. Charon's learning how to be 'playful'. It's so cute, it makes me want to hurl chunks.
"Must we discuss this now? I am tired."
"And I'm naked."
He opened his eyes.
"That has nothing to do with anything."
"Neither does you being tired."
Charon rubbed his eyes, and rolled on to his back. I separated myself from him, and reached down to grab my pants. Pulling out my cigarettes and lighter, I handed one to him. We lit them, and I prepared myself for a story.
"What would you like to know?"
He asked, smoke filtering out of his mouth. He stared up at the ceiling, the blanket covering his waist. Looking at his torso, I smiled, and laid down.
"What did you look like?"
Charon's hand traced his face, his nose, his lips and neck. I think that's how he was remembering.
"I had…medium beige skin, a shade lighter than you I believe, if you were not tanned from the sun. I had dark red hair, thick, and it was long when the war happened."
"Long? Like how long?"
I had my eyes closed, trying to get an image of pre-ghoul Charon.
"Long in the sense no one bothered to order me to cut it after I had it short. The back came to my neckline, where the front was similar to bangs."
"Like Wernher?"
"Yes. Very similar to Wernher. I had the same body as I do now, it was simply a human body. My eyes did not have a film over them, they were simply blue."
Charon really didn't give me a good picture, but I tried. I came up with Charon, in human skin, with hair and blue eyes. Not much difference, there.
"What about your family?"
"I am an orphan. I was taken from an orphanage."
"So…you never knew them?"
He sighed, closing his eyes. He'd tell me if he didn't want to talk about it.
"I once had a picture of them, but it was soon confiscated and destroyed as 'punishment' for not following through with certain orders. But no, I did not know them."
"That's sad…I never knew my mom."
"I know."
"What about anyone else? Don't you have brothers or sisters?"
"I do not know. If I had, they would be long dead by now."
"Or ghouls. We could try to find them. Try to find information from where you were trained at."
"Dez, do not try to dig up things that have no meaning or value now."
"No meaning? Charon you could have a big family out there, just waiting to meet you. For all you know they could have survived, and then had kids, and then your name could be carried on down to now."
"You must understand, the name I have is not the name I was given by my parents."
"I'm sure there's records where you were trained. Terminals, or something. Maybe even medical."
He looked at me, smoke coming from his nose.
"Why does this sound so important to you?"
I turned my head, and our eyes met. I blinked, trying to force down the lump growing inside.
"Because…I don't have anybody. Besides you. There's no chance of me having any more family unless I make one. But you…you have a shot. It's a small shot, but it's something."
Charon nodded, and looked away. He's good for understanding what I can't say. It's just like the love thing. It's really hard to find, and it's really improbable out here, but if you try hard you might get lucky. If one of us has a family, then…then maybe we wouldn't feel so lonely.
"So…where were you trained?"
"At the Citadel. It was once called the Pentagon, a main building of operations for the government before the war."
"No shit!"
Talk about a small world.
"Yes."
"Then there's records, files, something. There's got to be."
Charon sighed.
"Perhaps in the basement, where the Brotherhood has not yet breached."
"How do you know?"
"You may only access the room with a high-security code. Hacking is not an option. If you fail with the code, it is likely the turrets will kill you. The Brotherhood does not have that code."
"Do you?"
"Yes."
"So…can we go? Please?"
If he wouldn't let me run away, then maybe he'd let me help him. Maybe somewhere deep down inside, he wants to see if he had a family, if any of them survived.
"If it pleases you, yes, we may go. But in the morning. I do not wish to travel to Paradise Falls and back."
"Okay, deal. What about Jericho? Do you want him coming?"
Charon sighed, taking another drag from his smoke.
"It is…a personal matter. If there is anything about me that has survived the war, then I only wish to share it with you."
"Point taken. I'll ditch him in the morning."
I let the smoke from my cigarette dance in the air in front of me. Charon might have family. I mean, it's a small chance, but at least he'd know. I'm sure he's never wondered before, but now he is. I planted the seed in his head, he's got to be somewhat curious. I mean, what if his family survived? What if they're out there somewhere just living happy? I'd be able to get them back together, and then we wouldn't be alone. Then we'd have people who care about us, that's something that hasn't happened in a while.
"I would like to give you something, if you do not mind."
I heard him say, and I sat up, looking at him. He looked at me, his eyes trying hard to focus on my face. I guess he's still not use to seeing ta-tas.
"What is it?"
Charon sat up and reached down. He began sifting through his armor, and leaned forward enough so I could see his bare backside. Scars knotted everywhere on his back, some even deep enough to grove his muscle. I almost gasped at the sight of it, but I didn't.
"Your back…"
I said, and he turned to look at me.
"Yes. I have scars."
One of them is from me, but the rest…no.
"From…your training?"
He turned back around and continued looking.
"Yes."
Finally, he stopped and looked over at the other side of the bed. His pants were over there. Crawling over me, he reached down and brought them on top of the bed. Cigarette between his lips, he leaned back, and started digging in his pockets. I never knew he had so many scars…
"You are aware of what a 'holotag' is, correct?"
"Yeah. Why?"
He pulled two holotags from his pants pocket. Only they weren't holotags, they were different, straight metal.
"Before the Brotherhood of Steel created holotags, we were issued what one would call 'dog tags'. They are generally the same thing, except without the annoying lighting."
He handed them to me. The were hung on a metal beaded chain, and were cold to the touch. I looked at them, they were in great condition considering how old they are. My fingers traced the words, the numbers, the lettering.
"Those contain my name, my identification number, blood type, and gasmask size."
I read it closely. He's A positive. The numbers mean nothing to me, but I was curious about them.
"Identification number?"
"The people that trained us viewed us as numbers, similar to the social security number. However, if a person from our area was found dead, the identification number would show their identity. If one stole the tags, and used the identification number as a social security number, it would come up invalid."
"So…then the only people who could report you dead, were the people who trained you."
"Yes."
"Why are you giving me this? Isn't it important?"
"Yes. That is why I am giving them to you."
I examined them, his name popped up in the metal, Charon. There's no middle name, no last name, simply Charon. I held them out in front of me, holding the top of the chain.
"Here."
He took them from me. I heard a small snap, and felt his hands at either side of my shoulder. The cold steel grazed my skin, and I heard another small snap. They hung loosely between my breasts, the cold metal making me shudder a bit.
"I like them."
I told him. Wearing them makes me feel a bit more important to him. Looking back at him, I grinned.
"I want my own dog tags, then you can have mine."
Charon looked at me, trying to show emotion on his face, but failing.
"They are simple to make. When we find time, I will make some for you."
"Did you ever need someone to read yours?"
Charon shook his head and took my almost-gone cigarette. He leaned over and crushed both of them on the floor, and laid back down. I sat up, staring at him. He put his hands behind his head, looking at the ceiling.
"It would only have been read if I had died. Unless that happened, we kept them concealed beneath our armor."
"Did you always wear leather?"
"No. I wore what I was ordered to wear. My last employer before the war ordered me to wear it. Over the years, it has changed to fit the environment."
"You've seen a lot, it seems."
"Yes. I have."
"Will you tell me one day?"
Charon reached up and pulled me down onto him. I closed my eyes, feeling his body under my head. My arm wrapped around his torso, and I hugged him. Maybe with all the changes in the world, people will accept people like Nova and me.
"One day, yes. For now, you need to rest."
I closed my eyes, kissing his chest.
"Okay."
He's told me enough for tonight. I've felt enough for one night. As much as I want to keep this feeling, this moment, I know it has to end. I have to go to bed, so then in the morning I'll be well rested. I'll be able to perform better, and help Charon find out something about himself. Sure, it's a wrench in my plans, but finding a home isn't as important as finding out who Charon was.
While I'm trying to fall asleep, I can't help but let myself think. Here I am, in bed, naked with a ghoul. He's my bodyguard, my boyfriend, my voice of reason, and the only person who cares in the world. He's more than just a few numbers and a name to me. I feel his body move up and down really slow, and I know he's asleep. I wonder what tomorrow will be like, if we'll find anything. I wonder where I'll be in the near future, and if everything will turn out okay. It's hard, not knowing, but I guess that's what makes it exciting, too. Charon moved past his barrier of sex, and I didn't see that coming. So I guess not knowing really is fun. The only thing I don't know, that I want to know, is…are my parents proud of me?
