29 You're Gone

Rachel looked at Lauren and Santana and shook her head, "I don't know if I can do this guys." She confessed quietly. "I just..."

"I told you what he said happened," Lauren reminded her. "He's not lyin' Rache. He's not. He's going through hell but he's not lying about this. If you saw them kissing it wasn't because he instigated it."

"It hurt so much," Rachel whispered looking at Santana. "I never knew...how much this could hurt. When Finn... when he..." She shook her head, "It hurt when I found out Finn had slept with you and lied to me. But...part of me always expected something. I mean...I was never good enough for him. Never normal enough. But Noah..." She shook her head, "We've fought, I mean we yell at each other but I never thought he'd...hurt me like this."

"He didn't," Lauren reminded her. "Puck didn't do anything. He was exhausted and waiting for you and that woman-"

"Bitch you mean," Santana interrupted tartly.

"That Bitch set him up so you'd dump him," Lauren continued as if she hadn't changed words midstream.

"But why?" Rachel shook her head, "I don't understand why. I mean Shelby's beautiful and older, she's like an upgraded cougar so I can see how he'd be attracted. But why would Shelby set him up?"

"You're her daughter," Santana reminded her quietly. "Maybe she-"

"No I'm not." The tiny diva shook her head. "The woman decided she wanted nothing to do with me and adopted Quinn Fabray's sweet, adorable blonde baby girl. She didn't want her own daughter she wanted Noah and Quinn's baby. The perfect child."

"So your mother is a screwed up bitch," Santana lifted one shoulder in a shrug. "Doesn't mean we're wrong that she set Puck up for you to see."

"I'll think about it." Rachel nodded slowly and pushed away from her locker, "Now if you don't mind, I have to go and listen to the love of my life sing and try to pretend my heart isn't breaking."

"Oh well," Lauren wrapped an arm around her and kissed her cheek while Santana did the same on her other side. "I suppose if we must we must."

Rachel gave the girls a half smile and regarded them thoughtfully, "I'm glad the two of you decided to join forces." She changed the subject, "Now if we could only use your powers to persuade Mr. Schuester that Blaine is not our only option for male lead."

"You an' Puck bein' on outs... and you wanna sing lead opposite him?" Santana looked at her as if she was nuts.

"If he touches me, kisses me, I'll-" Rachel shook her head and stopped before the choir room door. "I'll never be able to control myself long enough to stop, to...stay away. I'll just get hurt more."

"Well lets get a good seat for watching your heart bleed all over the choir room floor," Lauren said dryly. Rachel wasn't sure where Lauren was looking as she winked back over Rachel's shoulder. When she turned to see who Lauren was looking at there was no one there.

"C'mon," Santana tugged her into the choir room before Rachel could crane her neck any further sideways. "So what are you going to sing?"

"Well I was practicing Juice Newton's Angel of the Morning," Rachel sighed and dug through her music. "But Noah heard me and we...got into a it a bit."

"That must have gone well," Lauren commented as they took their seats.

"No," Dark brown eyes regarded Lauren miserably. "It did not. He..." She shook her head, "I'm hurting guys but... I'm hurting him too and I'm not sure how much longer I can stand it."

"Geez," Santana shook her head. "I knew you were a marshmallow about the people you love Berry but you're convinced he cheated and you still hate hurting him."

Rachel shrugged, "I hated what I did to he and Quinn two years ago but I couldn't stand...seeing Finn like that." She frowned down at her hands, "And it was tearing Noah apart to watch Quinn cozy up to Finn like he was the father, all the while telling Noah that he wasn't good enough. As if...as if he was nothing." Her voice broke slightly and she took a deep breath, "I hate to see him hurting."

"Then we gotta get to the bottom of this," Lauren's point was irrefutable.

Rachel nodded and pulled out her music but she wasn't seeing it. All she could see was Puck's face yesterday, how hurt he looked. It wasn't hard to keep track of him around McKinley, he was quieter than normal though, not speaking unless required in class and he was walking with his shoulders hunched. She hadn't seen him walk like that since he got out of Juvie, when he'd acted as if any moment he'd be attacked. She'd done that to him, she'd hurt him that badly.

Rachel stared at her music and absently spoke as Santana asked her a question. She and Artie were the only ones who knew how hard Juvie had been on Puck. He'd gotten beaten up pretty regularly, the physical pain simply reminding him of everything he'd gone through before his dad left. It had taken a lot of time and work before she and Artie had convinced Puck that he wasn't a Lima Loser. And now…Puck looked every bit as bad as he had back then. No wonder Artie was barely speaking to her, someone had to be on Puck's side.

Then Artie rolled into the choir room and she couldn't take it anymore, "Artie, can I talk to you?"

"Yeah," He looked wary, his eyes dark behind his glasses and Rachel came to the point quickly.

"Please be kind to Noah," She blurted the words out.

"Okay—What?" Artie blinked at her. "Totally not what I was expecting."

"I… look I—" Rachel shook her head. "Lauren keeps telling me that Noah doesn't understand what's going on. I know what I saw but at the same time…" She looked at Artie, "I hate that I'm hurting him. I really hate it Artie and I don't want… I just don't want him to slip back into that mindset of being nothing."

"Rachel why do you even care," Artie wasn't trying to be cruel that was obvious but Rachel had to admit that it was an odd situation.

"Just because he hurt me, just because I…I can't talk to him right now without screaming or crying… It doesn't mean I don't love him," Rachel kept her voice steady with an effort. "I love him so much, it just…it hurts to seem him looking so broken."

"Rachel you're the one who broke him," Artie reminded her. "Isn't asking me to help him sort of…I dunno counterproductive?"

"I never wanted to hurt him," Rachel object. "I know what I saw, for the love of- Artie he was kissing my mother, I saw them. Plain as the nose on my face I saw him on the couch, he was lying down, Shelby was bending over the back of the couch, they were kissing. It was easy to see them."

"But even though he did that…you want me to take care of him," The paraplegic boy frowned as he grabbed his guitar.

"If he made a mistake we need to work through it and I'm trying to get to that point where I can be…not me about it," She sighed. "It hurts…it feels like I can't breathe without him. But every time I think about it I feel like someone stuck a knife in my stomach. I mean…it makes sense Artie why he'd want her."

"No it doesn't," Artie shook his head. "Why do you think I've been keeping my distance from you both? I didn't want to take sides. I mean I helped him study some but I've been staying out of the relationship thing."

"Well I'm asking you to take his side please," Rachel would beg if she had to. "He needs someone to believe in him Artie. I love him too much to let him just…ruin his life over me and my crazy. I don't know why he would—I don't understand it. But I just…I can't let him think he's alone."

"So you don't understand why Puck would cheat on you with your cougar mom, you're hurt but you don't hate him but you can't get back together with him until you can get a handle on your problems," Artie summed up. "So you want me to make sure he's all right because you know all this is hurting him too even though part of you thinks he's the one who caused all of this."

"Sort of," Rachel nodded. "Will you?"

"Hell, yeah I'll hang with him," Artie agreed. He paused a moment, "Rachel, do me a favor though."

Rachel nodded solemnly, "Anything you need."

"Seriously, fix this. Figure it out. Because this in the middle crap? It sucks for all of us," Artie told her seriously.

"I'm working on it," Rachel nodded. "I think part of me… The part of me that believes he would… it's the part that doesn't understand what he sees in me in the first place."

"Well get your head on straight," Artie rolled his eyes at her as he took his place in the first row. "The man is miserable and so are you."

"Working on it," Rachel returned to her seat, deliberately moving so that Santana and Lauren were sitting next to each other instead of flanking her. They were dating and didn't need her as the third wheel constantly. Glee was one of the few places they could relax.

Slowly but surely the rest of the club filled in the seats, AZ and Karofsky had taken to sitting in the relatively neutral zone of the middle risers along with most of the choir. Rachel always liked the front seats, more room for her case of music while Puck generally took the last row. This time Artie hailed the mohawked boy as he entered and gestured for him to sit beside him in the first row. Puck seemed surprised and a bit hesitant until Rachel caught his eye and nodded at him. Some of the tension seemed to go out of his shoulders and Rachel relaxed minutely.

"Seriously we have got to figure this shit out," Lauren muttered. "The tension is worse than when you two weren't together last year and you were trying to be 'only friends'."

"Gospel truth," Santana agreed as Schuester and his two co-directors walked in. Rachel eyed the lead director warily. He'd been a bit…Puck would say bitchy and she'd usually say snippy, since her dads had gone to the school board over his lack of discipline and favoritism of certain students. Either way, he hadn't exactly embraced the new order of things, assigning themes or songs halfheartedly at best.

Sue was the one who sharply called for everyone to pay attention, "If I'm going to share air with you losers you're going to learn something or at least, by god, improve yourselves. So get your asses in gear and someone get up to sing their damn song."

Rachel couldn't help grinning, she might have phrased it differently but she could appreciate Sue's spirit. Tempered by Coach Beiste's kindness and Mr. Schuester musical knowledge Sue was extremely enjoyable, or she would be if she hadn't called for Puck to perform first.

"All right," Puck had his guitar with him and he dragged a stool from near the wall to the center of the practice space. "So its pretty self explanatory, I won't bore you with a lotta introduction." He looked at Brad who nodded and began the opening notes on the piano while Puck began to pluck at the strings of his guitar.

Rachel wrapped her arms around her middle as Puck began to sing, his voice always gave her chills and this was worse somehow,

"I said hello I think I'm broken
And though I was only jokin'
It took me by surprise when you agreed
I was tryin' to be clever
For the life of me I never
Would have guessed how far the simple truth would lead
You knew all my lines
You knew all my tricks
You knew how to heal that pain
No medicine can fix…
"

Rachel caught her breath as Puck looked directly at her, silently telling her everything she had done for him before he began the chorus, regret and gratitude filling his voice.

"And I bless the day I met you
And I thank God that He let you
Lay beside me for a moment that lives on
And the good news is I'm better
For the time we spent together
And the bad news is you're gone…
"

It was all she could do to not sob aloud. Rachel was vaguely aware of Lauren's arm wrapping around her shoulders in silent support as the next verse started.

"Lookin' back it's still surprisin'
I was sinking you were rising
With a look you caught me in mid-air
Now I know God has His reasons
But sometimes it's hard to see them
When I awake and find that you're not there
You found hope in hopeless
Your made crazy sane
You became the missing link
That helped me break my chains…
"

She could feel the tears welling up in her eyes, the misery in his voice as he sang of her not being beside him, the last chorus filling the room with his powerful voice, ringing in her ears and reminding her that all the pain they were both feeling could be ended with a word if she could just bring herself to say it.

"And I bless the day I met you
And I thank God that He let you
Lay beside me for a moment that lives on
And the good news is I'm better
For the time we spent together
And the bad news is you're gone
The bad news is you're gone
."

Rachel discretely, she hoped, wiped her eyes and applauded with everyone else as the song ended. Puck was still looking at her, hadn't taken his eyes off her, pain and hope were twisted into an agonizing look before he finally tore his gaze away.

There were the comments and critiques, compliments and suggestions because no matter how mad half the group might be at him, musically Puck was still brilliant. Finally it was her turn to speak and she took a deep breath, "It was wonderful. Your breathing and timing have improved so much, I don't have the words to say how…moving it was." She said finally. "I really can't say anything else. It was perfect."

"It was sad," Brittany said quietly. "I wish it didn't have to be so sad."

"Well maybe you can change up the mood a bit Britt," Santana told her friend kindly.


Puck shook his head as he remembered Brittany's performance of 'Jose Cuervo'. She'd gotten everyone smiling and then Karofsky, Azimio and Mike had done something else upbeat, a hilarious song called 'Wasn't That a Party'. Two days later he was still humming the chorus now and then though his mood hadn't really lightened all that much.

He had at least found out from Artie what it was he supposedly had done. Now he just had to fix it, preferably before Rachel got it into her head that she was better off without him. About the only consolation he had against that particular thought was that Rachel looked just as miserable as he felt.

"Puck," Lauren's voice stopped him dead before he entered the choir room.

"Yeah Lauren?" He turned to look at her, "She all right?" Those were the first words out of his mouth these days, at least to anyone who was hanging out with Rachel.

"She's okay, miserable, just like you, but okay," Lauren tilted her head at him. "I haven't been to see you all rehearse...how's the play going?"

"Sam's fillin' in for Finn, doin' good as Mark," Puck said slowly. "Right now me an' Rachel don't have a lot of scenes together...so Artie's trying to keep things running smooth by keeping us on opposite sides of the stage. It's hard on everybody, but Tina's doin' good and Santana's awesome. Kurt's... well you've seen how he is." The blatantly obviously gay boy was giving Puck a shoulder so cold it was arctic and had made it very clear that he blamed Puck for Rachel's misery.

"Yeah, he doesn't seem to see you're just as miserable," Lauren shook her head slowly. "So what are you going to do about this Puck?"

"First I'm going to find out why Shelby did what she did," Puck frowned angrily. "And then I'm going to ask Rachel why the hell she didn't start yelling at me. Man when Finn screwed up she was so damn vocal about it, it was ridiculous. She'd sing to him, she'd yell, she'd do her damndest to make him miserable. Me? Me she just stops talkin' to an' cuts me outa her life. Like I'm not even worth the effort of raising her voice. I don't get it Lauren. Why aren't I ever good enough to fight for?"

"It's a good question," Lauren nodded and her hand rubbed his shoulder sympathetically. "But I don't think that's the problem. Rachel's…different with you. You've always known that. Just like you're different with her."

"Well first things first," Puck spat out the words. "I've got to find out why Shelby set me up."

"Yeah, that might be a good idea," The female wrestler shrugged. "But I don't think she's going to exactly admit it."

"She will if I tell her I know what she did and I'll go to the cops," Puck snarled. "She gets arrested, even the suspicion of that behavior will get social services paying a visit to her house. She won't chance losing Beth."

"You think that'll work?" Lauren frowned, "She must have known you were asleep Puck, she'll know you're bluffing."

"No," Puck shook his head grimly. "No she won't Laur, because I'm not bluffing. We've got Rachel who saw her kissing me, me in her house, alone with her and the baby...its circumstantial but its still enough for the cops and social services. Believe me, after all the shit I been through with Juvie and me in trouble, I know how social services works."


Author's Note: So I know folks are ready to tear my hair out with this little plot twist. Sorry. But to me this has always been the big problem in Rachel and Puck's relationship. Everything that happened to them was external. It's the things that are internal, their personalities and how they deal with their problems that will tear them apart. One of the biggest, most important things I learned in my life was how to have a fight. Because when you're fighting with someone you love, you're not fighting to win. You're fighting to get through, to stay together.

Puck and Rachel have dealt with almost every other problem but they've never had to deal with hurting each other, not like this. So I really wanted them to have a huge problem and learn to deal with it before we wrapped up the story.

The division of friends is something I thought about a lot too. I never thought it was realistic or fair the way the entire glee club would side against Rachel every time. I thought without Finn's 'All-American Idiot' polarizing effect that this time around there'd be a more even split.

Oh, and Rachel's going to find out very soon just what kind of friend Kurt is. Yes that's a hint and a hook to keep ya'll reading and I refuse to be ashamed.

Sorry for the long note, but one question, what did everyone think of Puck's song? Its an old favorite of mine and really seemed to suit Puck's situation and the assignment. Curious to see if ya'll agree.