If life could honestly get any better than this, Frances "Frankie" Foster honestly didn't want to hear absolutely one word about it as she strolled up the walkway to Foster's front porch alongside the young man who seemed to be purposely trying to make her sides burst.
"…So of course then I have to tell my niece, 'don't worry. Look, I'll show you that it's a friendly goose.' I then walk over to it, my hand full of feed, and…oh jeez, just my luck the petting zoo was absolutely packed that day, so literally a small crowd sees me get chased around by that stupid-" Before Rudy could continue on with his tale of humorous misfortune, his girlfriend held up a hand to motion for him to stop before she found herself unable to breathe.
"Haha….but….b-but why…." The redhead tried to ask between the fits of laughter that wracked her body and send her hoop earrings and bracelets jangling. "I mean, didn't you try and stand up for yourself?"
"Hey, I wasn't the one being aggressive." The young man replied in his defense as he tried to suppress a smile, to no avail. Not only was the memory too ridiculous even for him, but Frankie's glee was proving to be infectious. "I didn't even get to give it some of the feed before it started pecking me right in the knees. Honestly, have you ever had a goose honk at you? I mean, not just honk, but honk angrily? Trust me, when you're the one it's honking at, it's not very fun-"
"Heeheeheehee! Stop! Just…stop!" Frankie giggled madly like a schoolchild, and for a few moments, both dissolved helplessly into a nasty case of the snickers as they ascended the stairs to the front door of the towering Victorian mansion that the redhead called home.
"Are you okay?" Rudy laughed as the young woman continued shaking uncontrollably with mirth.
"Y-yeah….I'm fine….I'm fine…" she tittered, taking a few seconds to try and recompose herself. Once she was no longer a mess of mirth, Frankie looked into his soft brown eyes and smiled sweetly. "Thanks for another nice night."
Her simple but sincere words automatically sent the fellow blushing slightly as he sputtered, "Well, it….it was nothing really, I just….I just…uh…no problem…"
Frankie barely heard a word he said, for she was already ready to put the metaphorical icing on the cake and bring the evening to the much awaited perfect end. The redhead closed her emerald eyes, and slowly drew in close to the young man. Within a moment, the couple was locked in a tight embrace, and once his lips touched hers, Frankie felt as if she had been catapulted to Cloud Nine.
Not wanting the magical moment to end, the young woman hugged him tighter as she deepened the kiss. Now this was the right way to end an evening. It was almost too wonderful to describe….it was just all so…
"EWWWWWWWW!"
Disgusting?
The instant the shrill squeal of revulsion mercilessly killed the moment, Frankie drew back with a hoarse cry of shock, while her boyfriend was so badly startled he nearly backed up right off the porch. As Frankie frantically began to try and grab a hold of her nerves, she affixed her gaze upon a certain azure blob standing in the front doorway, where apparently he had been watching them for the last few seconds unnoticed.
"BLOO!" the redhead instinctively howled ferociously at the little figment while her cheeks lit up with a deep red glow. "Just WHAT do you think you're-"
"Just what the heck were you doing?" Bloo pointed a stubby appendage accusingly and fiercely countered. "Gross! What was that?"
"I…I-I….uh….." Rudy immediately started jabbering foolishly as he tried to compose himself. "We were…er…only-"
"What do you think?" Frankie stomped a foot so hard she almost drove one of her high heels straight through the wooden planks. "You knew that I had a date tonight, and-"
"And just look at you!" Bloo clapped his blobbish "hands" to the sides of his face in total appall. "I mean….you were….y-you were actually….it's like….oh man, I don't believe it, but-"
"What? What? What?" Frankie hissed as she glared daggers at the imaginary friend with no sense of personal privacy. "Just what-"
"YOU WERE ACTUALLY EATING EACH OTHER'S FACES!" Bloo inadvertently howled in indescribable disgust. Instantaneously, Frankie went utterly slack-jawed, and for a few seconds could only stare wordlessly at the little creature with mouth dangling agape.
"…Say that again?" Rudy managed to ask softly as he shot the imaginary friend a puzzled look.
"What else is there to say?" Bloo answered as eyed the couple warily. "You were trying to eat each other's face! How else can I say it? I mean….oh, jeez, what the heck were you two even doing? What, is that supposed to be love, or did you just not eat enough at dinner? I mean, whatever that was, I seriously thought I was gonna bar-"
"Bloo, no! You don't understand, we were just-" Before Frankie could utter another word, she heard the distinct clamor of a small group rushing across the foyer floor, to her ultimate dismay.
"What's wrong? What happened? Is everything okay?" a towering crimson figment asked breathlessly as he poked his head out the front door. "I'm sorry we didn't get here sooner! Sorry! It's just that we were in the TV room, and-"
"They were trying to eat each other's faces! They were trying to eat each other's faces, I saw it!" Bloo repeated as he waved his little arms in alarm. Frankie meanwhile just froze in complete horror as she could feel her heart plummet into the pit of her stomach in despair.
"Oh….no…" she whimpered softly as her emerald eyes nearly bugged out to twice their size.
"I'm sorry, what?" Wilt cried. "I…wait, wait, I'm sorry, but what do you mean-"
"What do you think?" Bloo shot back. "I just caught these two trying to chow down on the other at the same time! It was like-"
"What?" a gruff bellow rang out in alarm. For a second, the porch seemed to be engulfed by a small earthquake as a bullish behemoth stomped outside, and in a flash Rudy found his line of sight almost totally blocked by a sea of purple fur.
"What you think you doing trying to eat our Senorita Frankie?" Eduardo roared protectively. "You terrible nasty man! Don't you know she no snack for you to-"
"AUGH!" Rudy wailed in terror as her cowered before the hulking figment. "Ed, please, I can explain! I-I can explain! Just-"
"We can both explain!" Frankie yelped frantically as she jumped in between the two. "Ed, it's okay! It was nothing bad, honest! Bloo just walked in on us ki-WHOA!"
"It okay, Senorita Frankie! I no let him harm you!" Eduardo announced before scooping her up into his massive arms as if she were no more than a mere baby. As he stepped back a few feet, the redhead's unfortunate boyfriend suddenly found himself confronted by an angry combination of bird, flora, and airplane.
"Coco! Cococococo! Coco co! Co Cococo! Coco co!" Coco scolded him mercilessly as she flapped her stubby wings for emphasis.
Wracked with fright at this point, Rudy cringed and whined, "C'mon, you know I still can't understand you! Please, could…c-could someone just let me explain…or at least translate for C-"
"What's to explain, you weirdo?" Bloo interjected. "I caught you red-handed! You were eating each other's faces, and don't act like you were forced to or anything! I saw it all, you were actually enjoying it! Both of you!"
"Oh…my God…." Frankie moaned in unspeakable dismay as Ed froze the second he heard this new revelation.
"…Both?" he whimpered as his voice shot up several octaves in fright. Suddenly, moving faster than the eye could follow, the massive imaginary friend promptly discarded Frankie and stampeded off with a cry of terror.
"OW! Oh for the love of…" she exclaimed as Eduardo took cover behind Wilt and without wasting a second, promptly started blubbering in blind terror.
"No! Senor Wilt, I no want my face get eaten! I like having my face! I like having it!" he cried, as Wilt, now more confused than ever, just bemusedly patted the quivering figment on the shoulder.
"Uh….it's okay Ed….it's okay…" he murmured comfortingly before asking aloud, "I'm sorry, but…um…could someone please tell me what-"
"I already told you, these two creeps were-" Bloo was all too willing to explain again.
"If you would only give me just ten seconds to explain, then-" Frankie tried to interrupt before an all-too-familiar voice cut through the chaos like a knife through butter.
"My word! What on earth is that most dreadful racket?"
"AUGH! Are you kidding me?" Frankie instinctively yelped, and in an instant the panic was surging through her with the force of a tidal wave. "No! No! No! No, no, no, no! NO!"
"Yelling won't get you anywhere!" Bloo interjected. "We're not going anywhere until you tell us why you were-"
"Please!" Frankie just started babbling desperately. "Everyone, just…just go back inside! Please, I'll explain everything later, I promise! Just…just go away, before-"
As soon as she saw Rudy go as pale as a sheet out of the corner of her eye, the young woman knew her frantic efforts were all for naught. There in the doorway stood a large imaginary rabbit, who seemed more than prepared to dish out a heaping serving of punishment for those miscreants who were blatantly disturbing the peace and order he so craved.
"What is the meaning of all of this?" Mr. Herriman demanded sternly. "Good heavens! Here I am, attempting to tend to my paperwork when suddenly it sounded as if a pack of uncouth barbarians had decided to make themselves at home our front door! Now, will someone please inform me why you're all shouting and making such a din like a mere pack of-"
"Frankie and Rudy were trying to eat each other's faces!" Bloo yelled before Frankie could get in a single word.
"EXCUSE ME?" the horrified rabbit cried out, unable to believe his own large, floppy ears. As he just stared at her blankly in total shock for a few moments, Frankie quickly tried to take advantage of his silence to frantically try and defend herself.
"No! No, no, no! Mr. H, there's been a huge misunderstanding here! Nothing happened, it's just that Bloo saw us k-OW! Hey! Hey!" the resident caretaker squealed in discomfort as without warning Mr. Herriman hopped over, nabbed her firmly by the earlobe, and unceremoniously dragged her into the center of the tiny crowd like she was a naughty child.
"Miss Frances Bridgett Foster, in the name of all that is civilized, just what do you have to say for yourself?" Mr. Herriman scolded soundly.
"I-" she attempted to speak up before he swiftly launched into one of his infamous lectures.
"Don't act like I don't know what's going on here! Trust me, I do! I'm no imbecile! Young lady, it is high time that I make something perfectly clear; just because some silly new fad is grabbing everyone's attention doesn't mean it's perfectly all right for you to join in like some mindless…"
"What? No, it's just-" she tried to interrupt. Once it soon became apparent that he wasn't listening to her one bit, the young woman sighed and only started muttering over and over to herself in utter despair, "This is not happening…this is not happening….this is not happening…this is not…"
"….Wait, silly? No, I take that back." Mr. Herriman's went on with his tirade. "It's absolutely disgusting, that's what it is! While I'm obviously aware you weren't trying to cannibalize one another, how on earth could you be so daft as to think of that as a legitimate, respectable way for a couple to behave? What were you doing, exactly? Nibbling on each other's cheeks? Chewing on chins?"
She didn't even utter so much as a peep to herself under her breath. At this point, Frankie's embarrassment had reach such great heights, she was struck speechless, andshe merely stood there, with her face glowing as scarlet as a ripe cherry.
"…I mean, my word! You do realize that whenever you leave the house, you're representing Foster's, correct? Miss Frances, I swear, you should be mature enough now to realize that peer pressure is-"
"We….but we were only-" Rudy tried to forget about the fright that was consuming him, and attempted to speak up bravely, if not at all successfully. In a flash, the rabbit had hopped over and was now confronting the hapless young man.
"And you, Master Rudy! Don't think that you're free of blame here! Far from it, I would say, actually!" the figment thundered.
"But…but…" the young fellow babbled dumbly as the scolding brought on another wave of panic for him.
"I don't care if Miss Frances was the one who started putting you up to this, that is no excuse whatsoever! You should have the good sense to know that such sheer ridiculousness is purely nothing more than…."
Momentarily out of the center of attention, Frankie just stood as still as a statue on the porch, starring out blankly into nothingness as she continued blushing so badly, it had become difficult to tell where her crimson hair ended and her skin began. This had gone from bad to worse, and that wasn't even the half of it.
What especially wasn't helping was the fact that the more commotion that was made, the more curious resident friends showed up to see what was going on for themselves. Now, nearly a dozen of them stood assembled in the front doorway or on the porch to watch her get yelled at like she was a mere misbehaving child all over again. It was just all so much to bear that Frankie had practically fallen deep into a mortified stupor, and for what felt like an eternity, all that she was aware of was the overwhelming urge to perish of embarrassment right there on the spot.
Suddenly, a gentle dug on her back strapless dress managed to snap her out of it. Dumbly, she looked down to meet the gaze of a very concerned-looking little boy, who apparently was fresh on the scene.
"Um…what's going on?" Mac whimpered concernedly to his guardian. "Is everything okay?"
Well, at least someone way up in the heavens seemed to like her. In an instant she was down on one knee and questioning her unusually mature and reasonable charge. "Mac….if Bloo says that he saw Rudy and me 'eating each others' faces'….what do you think we were actually doing?"
"…What?" the befuddled little one exclaimed as he gave her a very puzzled look.
"This isn't a hard question!" she groaned. "Pal, come on, just tell me; if Bloo said he saw…what I just told you, then what would you say was really happening?"
"Uh…I…uh…" taken aback by the peculiar question, Mac stammered a bit before finally answering truthfully "…Um…just…I don't know....kissing, probably? Why are you-"
"YES! Finally, someone gets it!" Frankie yelled in relief. Before the startled little boy could move a muscle, Frankie had scooped him up into her arms while all other eyes went straight back to her.
"Miss Frances, what are you-" Mr. Herriman turned around and tried to ask before Mac was nearly shoved right into his face.
"Tell him!" Foster's resident caretaker urged with a growl. "Tell him, Mac! Tell the rabbit what Bloo really caught me doing right now!"
"Uh…kissing, I think….only kissing…." The horribly bemused child obediently did as asked.
"Master Mac, what do you mean they they….oh…ohhhh….wait a moment…" Mr. Herriman paused to mull other this latest development. After thinking over this second opinion, his face slowly began to distort with dismay once he realized that maybe, just maybe, he had been a tad too hasty to judge and possibly didn't initially give the resident caretaker much credit. "Oh…well, that…actually….that would certainly make much more sense to say that-"
"Nuh-uh!" Bloo protested shrilly. "You call that kissing? That was like, the weirdest, grossest thing I've ever seen, ever! You were-"
"Oh just grow up, will you?" Frankie snapped ferociously before facing the small crowd. "Okay, so we got a little bit too into it! I know, I know! But that's it! Nothing more! That's all we were doing! Kissing! K-I-S-S-I-N-G? Is that seriously so much of a crime?"
"Not what you're trying to-OW!" Bloo yelped as without even looking, she prodded him sharply in the shoulder with a high heel.
"Mac knew what really happened , see?" she raised her charge into the air for all to see. "He just got here, but Mac only got it in like, a second! But all of you people, you actually had to believe Bloo on this, didn't you? Didn't you? Now why would anyone seriously take his word ever? I'm telling you, we only went a little overboard with one kiss! Okay?"
"I…oh, dear…" Mr. Herriman murmured while trying to recover from the realization that he had been very much wrong about quite literally everything. "I…I guess we-"
"I mean, seriously, what the heck just happened?Will someone please tell me why my nine-year-old is the only one who actually understood what was going on, and no one else?" the heinously frustrated redhead tossed her head and cried out to the high heavens. "Anyone?"
As she took a minute to recover from her rant, the rest of the assembled crowd had gone dead quiet, and for several moments, a long, awkward silence settled upon them all. Suddenly though, without warning, someone whooped encouragingly from the back of the pack of house residents, "That's the way to tell them, dearie! There's absolutely nothing wrong with a bit of passion to spice up a smooch from your sweetheart, right?"
Her eyes promptly almost bulged right out of their sockets in disbelief. It was honestly hard to tell what was worse; the mortifying fact that her grandmother was amongst all the witnesses to her humiliation, or that sweet, lovable Madame Foster had told her it was all right to get passionate during a kiss in front of everyone. Either way, Frankie's embarrassment managed to skyrocket even further into the stratosphere, as indicated by the fact that her face was now almost redder than her hair.
"….Grandma?" the redhead managed to moan miserably.
"Yes?" the little old woman answered warmly as she hobbled forward. "What-"
"You're not helping!" Frankie yelled before wailing to no one in particular, "Seriously, why me?"
Without another word, the mortified young woman tucked Mac under her arm and began to vacate the scene with what miniscule scrap of dignity she had left.
"Miss Frances, I-I think that-" Before Mr. Herriman could finish, she furiously snatched his top hat from off his head and with an angry grunt, hurled it off the porch and into the night.
"Oh my!" he exclaimed as he hopped off in pursuit as Frankie, still as scarlet as could be and snarling like an enraged cougar, stormed off into the house.
Once she vanished from sight, again everyone standing on the front porch descended into a long, hideously awkward silence, and remained so until Wilt concernedly asked out loud to the other victim of the terrible misunderstanding, "Uh, Rudy? Are you okay?"
Still quite pale and shaken from the nasty experience, the young man managed to stammer, "H-have…have you guys ever b-been so freaked out b-by anything, you can barely move at all for a little bit?"
"Um….I'm sorry, but...I don't think so…." The gangly imaginary friend replied truthfully as he sauntered over to the poor, trembling fellow.
"Oh….well, anyway…t-tell Frankie I…that I said goodnight…and, um….can someone carry me back to my car so I can wait this out?"
"Miss Frances? Miss Frances!"
"Dearie, please, come on out, it's all right!"
"Frankie? Frankie, are you okay? I'm really, really sorry if you're not, but still, if it's okay, we'd like you to come out….or can we come in, at least? It that okay? I'm sorry if it's not!"
"Miss Frances, please! I know you're upset, but there's no need to be so childish as to-"
"Funny Bunny, of course she's upset! Now there's no need to sound so harsh when-"
"Well, I was only trying to-"
The resident caretaker's grandmother, boss, and imaginary friend continued to knock on Frankie's bedroom door and attempt to coax her out until they were interrupted by a meek inquiry.
"Um….excuse me?" Mac asked softly as he peeked out from his bedroom across the hallway.
"Oh, I'm sorry! Were we bugging you with all the noise?" Wilt instinctively apologized.
"Master Mac, please! We're trying to-" Mr. Herriman meanwhile tried to lightly rebuke the child when the little boy interrupted again.
"I know, but….it's just, Frankie told me she didn't want to be bugged by anyone before she went into her room, and-" Mac attempted to explain.
"Well, fat chance about that! You can't fix a problem by just stewing all by yourself!" Madame Foster countered before she began rapping at Frankie's bedroom door with her cane again and calling in a softer tone, "Dearie? Dearie please! At least let your grandmother in, won't you?"
As the others followed her example and continued on with their their efforts, Mac , having done his part, quickly retreated back into his room. Once he was sure his bedroom door was locked shut, the child trotted over to his own bed, which was currently occupied.
"...Do they still think I'm in there?" Frankie murmured from where say lay curled up on her side, face buried in her hands.
"Yeah." Mac replied.
"Good." She grunted, and awkward silence promptly cloaked the two until the boy worked up the courage to inquire with an anxious grimace,
"…Are you okay?"
"If by okay, you mean 'Am I ready to crawl into a hole and just die of embarrassment yet?' In that case, pal, my answer is a big fat yes."
"Oh c'mon, don't say that-" he tried to calm her.
"Well, what would you like me to say, bucko? That I'm just fine and dandy and ready to go out for a skip in the park?" she rolled onto her back and whined miserably. "You saw what happened just now! I try for one kiss…one kiss, just one measly little kiss! Then just like that, the whole night goes downhill! Oh, like heaven forbid I get to have a date that ends normally!"
With this, she let out a long agonized groan of indescribable frustration. Unsure of what to do, Mac just fidgeted nervously by the bedside and patted one of her hands in what he hoped was a comforting manner. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, he took a deep breath and asked gently, "Is…is there anything I can do?"
"No, no..." she sighed as she grabbed a pillow and covered her face. However, that was before she suddenly was blessed with an idea from clear out of the blue. In a flash, she had tossed the pillow aside and was hurriedly adding, "Not yet, at least…"
"….Oh, will you just relax?" the lanky redhead asked for what felt like the hundredth time as Rudy started nervously drumming the steering wheel with his fingers yet again.
"I'm trying, I'm trying." He replied worriedly while pulling up next to the curb in front of the towering Victorian mansion. "It's just that…y'know…"
Frankie rolled her eyes as he turned off the ignition. "I told you, there's nothing to worry about this time, okay?"
"Well…I mean, look we don't know for sure that-" the over-cautious young man quickly realized he was talking to an empty passenger seat. Frankie was already out of the car, motioning in a no-nonsense manner that he was to do exactly the same, as routine dictated. After gulping nervously and taking a few deep breaths, he slightly shakily clambered out and plodded over to her. Without a word, Frankie took his hand and together they began strolling up the sidewalk, though it honestly felt more like a parent leading a frightened child than two young adults returning from a dinner date.
Once they were standing upon the front porch, the young man stammered, "Well…we're here….so…I guess-"
"Well?" Frankie demanded expectantly, making it clear she would not let the trauma of last week's unfortunate experience impede her in any way.
"Well, what?" he replied, despite the fact he knew exactly what she was talking about. At first, she felt the impulse to strike back with a snappy reminder, but quickly got a hold of herself. After all, it wasn't as if she could blame him at all for being such an anxious mess. With a sigh, Frankie softened her expression and instead opted to compromise.
"Okay, how about this; nothing big, just a little peck on the cheek." She offered, then asked sweetly with a hopeful smile, "Please?"
As she turned her head a little, Rudy took a few deep breaths, leaned in, shut his eyes….and didn't open them again until he heard her say, "See? Was that so bad?"
Genuinely surprised, he looked around a few times just to make sure. His senses didn't lie, their privacy remained just as untouched and unspoiled by any intruder as it had been only a feew seconds earlier. Immediately he was awash with relief and gasped loudly, "Whew! I…oh, I'm sorry, it's…it's just that after…"
"Not like I wasn't there." Frankie laughed as she gave him a quick hug. "Call me tomorrow?"
"Of course." He said with a weak chuckle as he happily returned the embrace. "No problem. G'night, Frankie."
"Good night!" With this, Frankie smiled sweetly, then slipped off inside. However, as soon as she shut the door, the young woman finally stopped hiding the anxiety that had been weighing heavily upon her own shoulders for the last five minutes or so, and gasped audibly in heartfelt relief.
"Frankie? Is that you?" someone called from upstairs. Immediately, she broke out grinning again from ear to ear, and despite the fact she was in heels, she excitedly trotted off in the direction of the familiar voice. There, on the first floor landing she caught by surprise a certain little boy who had been dashing down to the foyer to meet her.
"Whoa!" Mac yelped as Frankie swept him up into a tight appreciative hug the instant he came within arm's length.
"Ha! Knew I could trust you." She triumphantly laughed .
As his cheeks went a little flush while she affectionately nuzzled him, her charge replied modestly, "Well, you were the one who called before you left the-"
"Yeah, but you did all the rest." She was swift to remind. "So, how'd you do it?"
Once she put him down, Mac led her down the nearest hallway to the laundry room, where everything was as it should be. That is, except the azure figment sitting beneath an upturned laundry basket that was weighed down by quite a few heavy encyclopedia volumes fetched from the downstairs library.
"How? How could you?" Bloo howled indignantly from inside his makeshift prison. "Mac, how? That is low! That is-"
"Oh c'mon, you're the one who can't stop barging in on other people when you're not supposed to." Mac countered unsympathetically as he reached up so as to began removing the encyclopedias. "Anyway, you can't ruin anything tonight anymore, so now we can-hey!"
Without warning, Frankie scooped him up and tucked him under her arm, to his puzzlement. "Hey, what are you-"
"Mac, can you tell me how long I hid out in your room last Friday?" his guardian interrupted and asked politely.
"Uh….about …two hours maybe?" the child answered.
"So, seeing how it's about nine o'clock…" Frankie giggled as she checked Mac's wristwatch. She then simply gave their blobbish little captive a little wave and flashed him a smile. "Bye-bye! See you at eleven!"
"What?" Bloo squealed shrilly in alarm.
"Yeah, payback's not too much fun, isn't it?" she only chuckled joyously as she carried Mac out of the room. "C'mon pal, let's see what's on TV.""
"Wait, no! You can't do that! You can't do that! Think you can eat faces, then get away with this? Nuh-uh! Unfair! Unfair!! Hey! HEY! Aw, Mac, you can't let her get away with this! Mac! Mac!"
His sensible creator, rather than actually stand up for him, simply looked back and just shrugged. Frankie meanwhile tossed back her head and snorted with laughter before vanishing from sight. "Ha! Now this is the right way to end an evening…."
The End
