A/N: UGH! SO, SO, SO, SO sorry it has taken me so long to update this last damned chapter. I had absolutely no drive to write, and no creative juices flowed. I needed a break. I hope you all haven't given up on me.
Ok. I won't postpone anymore. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Felicity was greatly flawed. We all are though.
If it were not for her numerous inconsistencies and neurotic tendencies, Spock would still be hers, but she was flawed, and apparently those problems were so great, their shared affection and countless hours spent together were deserted for a more amiable mate. She was worthless and made a mess of everything attempted and a fool out of herself at every lingering chance.
At least that was how Felicity felt while walking aimlessly across campus. It was a pity how a woman so accomplished in many things, with a grand quality of career and extreme affluence reserved her abilities and overall disposition as nugatory.
There was still an apartment to return to, as well as a lovely, black cat who would be very eager to love her and pout about how long he had been left alone with Oona. Certainly her job would be waiting too. Not much crime could have happened over the past few days while the rest of Starfleet concerned itself with future Romulans and the relocation of homeless Vulcans...
Vulcans.
A thoroughly engulfing nostalgia washed over Felicity as she began to think back to the earlier days of her and Spock's relationship. Things were much more simple. She had Tracie, and Terry was there too always acting like a mediating and meddling housewife with his subtle indications about how security and science go so very well together.
Every atom in her molecular structure wanted to turn around and comfort him even without the hope of continuing a relationship, but those same bits and pieces wanted to scream for being rejected for one and so aloofly. The pain became even more sharp when she thought about the slight, lingering bruises on her arms and neck. Her chest tightened as the familiar strangling feeling of tears beginning to push their way past her pupils began. Felicity let out a shaky breath and wrapped her arms around her body while continuing her trek across the grounds to the security building.
She wasn't equipped with sunglasses. There was no need to have them while on the Enterprise, but for the sake of her pride, she greatly wished for them to hide the crumbling stoic appearance she was used to presenting. For the first time in her life, Felicity Windsor desperately wished no one would even remotely take notice at her.
Misfortune seemed to be the universe's only response to her quiet request. A loud voice in an other words fairly vacant courtyard caught her attention, and said person was looking her right in the eyes as she turned out of instinct to look.
"Just when I think my river of luck has run dry, I find you!" The dark-featured, handsome captain of the Mercury, Felicity's former boss and the reason her Starfleet career was never ruined watched her with his dark eyes until she stopped walking then made his way over. Felicity narrowed her eyes and tilted her head away so it would be less blatant how puffy they had become. As he stepped closer, the Betazoid's gait hitched marginally, and tension was evident on his face, as he could obviously feel the pain of the woman so close to him. The poor thing. Pain seemed to be the only emotion he felt around her. "How have you been dear?" He knew the answer, but he hoped for an answer explaining more of "why".
Felicity shrugged not too excited about much right then. "I've just returned from space. I was on the Enterprise for this latest...conflict, I guess."
The captain clasped his hands together excitedly. The exact opposite of his companion's demeanor. "Really? I thought you worked an Earth-stationed job?"
"I did, well I still do, but I was dragged onto the ship by my boy-" Felicity sighed deeply, "by a man I knew who was also the chief science officer."
Reviewing his knowledge of the ship's crew, he asked in an uncertain voice, "Commander Spock?"
"The very same."
Damien Tarr had matters to attend to, but he took time to silently regard his previous officer. He was smart enough to be able to piece instances together. Not to mention, his curiosity was always raging. "It is none of my business, and you by no means have to answer me, but were you two in a relationship? Were you dating?"
"We were more than dating, and we had been for a few years, but no more." she said with a nonchalant shrug in an attempt to feel as detached from the situation as her display.
"So is that what I'm feeling from you? Pain?" Captain Tarr asked with sympathy.
"More than likely." Felicity wished for nothing more than to slip away, but it would only result in an incredibly awkward and difficult-to-explain future encounter. Without anymore desire for pretense, she decided to get straight to the point. "What is it you stopped me for, sir, and why exactly is your luck running dry?"
Her change of the subject diverted her mind to concern itself with other matters lightening her mood considerable, at least what he felt. To her, she probably still felt terrible. He smiled with an exuberance that was hard to ignore. "I need a chief of security. Marovin was issued a transfer."
Immediately Felicity's curiosity was sparked. "Really?"
"And as I said, here you are when I think all options are lost."
Though he was beating around the bush about the topic, Felicity began to pick up on the subtle hints and asked with a squeaky, high voice, "Me? You want me to fill in?"
"Are you still on temporary disability, or have you resumed active duty status with that desk job of yours?" he asked with a mischievous glint in his black eyes."
"How on Earth did you mange that?"
"Haven't you learned by now? Captains make up their own rules."
"It seems so, but what is...how...what's, what's going on?" She recalled the behavior on the Enterprise of both Jim and Spock and how almost whimsical each reacted with the title.
"With the ship or Marovin? Or do you mean the mission? Starfleet is hoping to try and create an alliance with Bolaris IX again. Would you be interested?"
"Well of course I'd be interested! But what happened to Marovin? Is he well? Is everything alright with him?" Panic hindered the extreme excitement building inside her but only by a small fraction.
"The Mazarite is bothered by not one thing in the galaxy, but the ship he transferred to is working closer to his home planet. He still has the same job title but will be able to see his family more often. I heard he has a few wonderfully adorable nieces and nephews. Kat-tah will miss him to be sure though. Now the poor man won't have anyone to drink with occasionally."
The unusually perky captain was beginning to irritate Felicity with his pleasant banter, especially when there were other and more important matters at hand, like getting back onto the ship she loved and a job even better than before. "It all sounds wonderful, but could we get back to me possibly becoming the new chief of security for the Mercury? What do I have to do? Who do I need to talk to?"
"All you have to do is say 'yes' and go pack."
Euphoric excitement overshadowed the intense pain from only seconds before, and for a brief few moments, Felicity forgot there ever existed a Spock and was back on track to becoming a fabulous and successful investigator; her initial desire. "Oh my God! Oh my God! Of course yes! Where-how-when...what time are we leaving?"
Captain Tarr folded his hands together in a most relaxed state. We don't leave for two days, but I will need you on the ship as soon as you are able. There are new cadets who need to be properly trained with the ship's specialized equipment, and you will have to get used to the new position. How long do you think it will take?"
It was a new beginning. There were so many things she had to worry about though. Where would her furniture be stored, and how could she arrange for another officer to take over her desk job? "Well, I don't know. Is there someone readily available to replace me? Then there's all my things and my cat. Oh fuck. I don't think I can."
"The choice is yours. Small animals are allowed on ships. There is always a person more than willing to take the job you have right now, and as far as the rest of your life goes, it seems you need a change."
"But that seems to be what happens to me every few years."
"And yet now you're ending up where you originally started." He shrugged. It wasn't necessarily a helpful comment, but it did make her think going back would be right.
Reality set in even more, and there where matters and affairs to be set in order. "I have all my furniture and...crap to get rid of and store."
Watching her react to a great opportunity with panic upset him mildly. She was so young and vibrant, she didn't need to worry about trivial things like furniture. There was still so much adventure left before one must worry about bland responsibilities. "Again, it is your decision, but if I may suggest, in the few encounters we have had together, and from what I have been told and know about you, practically every decision you have made has been based on necessity, efficiency, efficacy and desire of quality. Do you want this job?"
"Yes." she answered almost flabbergasted he continuously asked.
Captain Tarr pointed his index finger at her prominently and said without a smile on his face, "Then do what you need to make it possible, even if it isn't the logical thing to do."
Logic. It filled Felicity's life whether she liked it or not, and surprisingly enough, even considering her more outlandish circumstances, she followed reason more often than not. And by God, she was tired of it. "Ok. I'll be on the ship in no more than four hours maximum."
"Sounds wonderful. See you soon."
She turned to leave in a tizzy of anxiety and wanderlust before a thought struck her; a very peculiar one indeed, and Felicity whipped back around and called out to the man who continued to change her life. "What would you have done if we hadn't run into each other? Usually I'm in my office, but it's such a coincidence I would be walking from this direction across campus."
"It wouldn't have mattered either way, but I did check your office first." He gave her a single wave before strolling away.
She could leave. There were no worries about having to constantly be reminded of her relationship with Spock by different buildings they worked in, lived in and dined in together. It was as if she could almost erase the past three years. She knew the concentrate of excitement was fleeting, but for the time, Felicity decided to enjoy the momentary release of misery.
Picking up the pace to Oona's office, daydreams began with Othello and her living comfortably on the Mercury. Her quarters would certainly be bigger than before, and her cat would probably like not being transported back and forth between apartments all the time.
Before long, she was in the communications building and found the door to the office of her favorite Tahitian. "Oona! Oona!" she proclaimed while dancing into the room.
The stout woman clapped her hands together upon the interruption. "Oh, I am so happy to see you safe."
About to answer with the most amazing news, Felicity opened her mouth only to notice the blatantly bare ears framed by curly, gray hair. Her jaw dropped, and she practically screamed at the woman. "Where are your EARRINGS?"
Oona vigorously nodded her head in turmoil. "I know, I know. Something told me I shouldn't wear them today. It didn't feel right."
Time seemed to stop around them, and all that was there were Felicity, Oona and the lack of earrings. Everything else was momentarily forgotten. "Wow..."
First back to reality was Oona who had become more used to the idea than her young counterpart. "Anyway, it's been chaos around here, and then I don't know if you and Spock are going to be okay or not. I have been a nervous wreck with this whole thing, and then Vulcan! What a horrible, horrible thing. Poor Spock must be devastated. Are his parents alright?"
Felicity took a small, unconscious step back as she dipped her head and quietly replied, "His mother was killed."
Oona covered her mouth with her hands. "Oh no..."
Nodding, the younger woman reminisced solemnly. "He was pretty shaken over the whole incident. It was almost as if he was dead inside."
"I could only imagine." The Tahitian allowed time for her friend to retreat into the past, but sad encounters weren't her strong suit, so after an appropriate amount of time, she tried changing the subject to a more enjoyable one. "Do you plan on going to Jim Kirk's promotion ceremony?"
Completely taken off-guard by the constant bombardment of outrageous events and crazed news, the young woman stuttered her response. "Wha-when is the ceremony?"
"In a few days, I suppose. There hasn't been a formal communication sent out, but probably within the week."
Felicity was glad to actually get to the point of her presence. "Then no, I won't. I have just spoken with the captain of the Mercury, and am accepted back to the ship as the chief of security!"
While utterly ecstatic about any progression her friend made, one piece of misplaced information did not get past her sagacious understanding of the world. "What about Spock?"
It had been inevitable, but even knowing full well she would have to explain the current circumstances, Felicity was no more comfortable doing so. "He is going to do whatever he decides to do, but I am not something he chose."
"You're kidding." It took time for the information to be digested. From knowing the man for so many years and how he pined over Felicity for months, it didn't make sense why he made such a decision. It didn't seem logical.
"Nope. Nope. I'm not."
Relaxing back into her chair, the older woman was ready for one long story. "How? What happened between you two?"
But Felicity was not ready to tell the tale just yet, and there was a job at hand. "I really don't want to talk about it, Oona, but I will absolutely stay in touch with you and tell you all about it later."
"Are you sure you don't need someone to talk with right now?" she asked pointedly.
"Absolutely. Plus I'm not exactly sure what happened and why. Once I sort it all out mentally, I'll send you a memo."
Folding her hands together as if in a meeting laced with propriety, the Tahitian woman fought to keep dry eyes as the time with one of her dearest friends was coming to an end. "Well then, is there anything else I can do for you sweetheart?"
Felicity placed her hands on the edge of Oona's desk and leaned forward. "Yes, I need to get Othello from you."
"You're taking Othello?"
"Spock would have gotten rid of him if I didn't."
Oona slapped the desk with a vengeance. "What the hell is going on in that boy's head?"
"Beats me." Felicity shrugged with a sneer.
"I can't leave my office, and he's in my apartment. Do you want to go and get him yourself."
"Going anywhere near the faculty building is not something I want to do right now." She knelt and rested her elbows against the desk; her anxiety high and tensions rising just as quickly.
"Then you'll have to wait until I can leave." Oona retorted reluctantly.
Sad eyes looked up at the older woman, noticing once again the unadorned ears. "And that's when?"
"At five."
Looking swiftly at a clock and seeing it was only 1300 hours, Felicity shook her head. "I'll have to risk it then. I'm on a tight schedule and need to get him as soon as possible. Oona, tell me, could you use any spare furniture and...things."
For the first time in their conversation, she looked at Felicity warily. "What do you mean? What kind of things?"
"Would you like all the stuff I leave at my apartment? I can only take so much and have no time to dole out the rest, so whatever is left over, you may have if you want it."
"But you have so much..." An uncommon, bereft look crossed over Oona's face.
"Whatever you don't want, throw out or give away, but it does me no good anymore. I'm sorry. I know
it's a bit of responsibility you didn't ask for. 'Get rid of my junk'."
"You are never an inconvenience, dear. I always want the best and the most happiness for you. Are you sure this is what you want?"
She began wringing her hands. "The job, yes. Being alone, not so much."
"Just come in and turn my world upside down." said Oona playfully.
Pointing erratically at the older woman, Felicity's look was aghast. "Your world! You're the one who didn't wear earrings today."
"I will accept your things and take good care of them and find them decent homes."
"It's mainly furniture, Oona. You don't have to find it all 'decent' homes." she
Ignoring her comment, the Tahitian woman gave Felicity the code for her quarters and bid her a lovely, if not teary farewell.
The security officer could not have run harder to the faculty building. With every stride she hope Spock would not be lingering around the outside or in hallways. An encounter like that would not be good.
Luckily there was no Spock in sight, and she skipped right in to Oona's apartment. After only a few seconds of stepping over the threshold, a black kitty came cantering out to greet the company. When he saw it was his mama rather than Oona, he scampered to her quickly and began to complain loudly about how long she had been gone and left him with the chatty Tahitian.
Wanting to get him and get out as soon as possible was hindered by Felicity needed to snuggle her cat for a few minutes. He was something Spock and her shared together, and her emotions were running ragged from being devastated to exalted to disappointed and back to devastated. She did not put Othello down as she scoured the rooms for his carrier and toys and did not even bother to put him in the bag for their journey back to her apartment.
Othello was marginally frightened by not being in the safety of his bag while outside, and he clutched to Felicity's chest as his little heart beat excessively fast. He wanted them to get home as soon as possible, so they could be safe once again.
Fortunately for him, his mother was in a hurry and trotted along the sidewalks and across the busy streets to get her effects in order.
Her paintings had to go, along with the various journals she kept for her poetry. Her personal PADD was stuffed in a bag along with only her favorite clothes. The rest she could live without, since most of her days would be spent in a uniform anyway. Her violin was packed, and she quickly snatched Piddles off her comforter. Anything left was meaningless and couldn't be bothered with.
Due to all the paintings, Felicity had to take a shuttle back to the campus and near the shuttle bay. It was quite a sight to see her juggle a multitude of paintings, a bag with a cat and two other bags stuffed to the brims. When she finally shuffled in, she checked her watched for the time. It had only been just under three hours. Making excellent time.
After disposing of her things in the storage compartments of the shuttle, except for Othello who was looking around scared, she climbed the stairs into the small craft taking her to another stage of her life once more.
The shuttle they were on had a few other crew members to wait on, so while waiting, Felicity pulled Othello out of his carrier and set the spooked cat on her lap for coddling. He didn't relax much and was very frustrated with his mother for making him come on this thing making a lot of loud and weird noises.
As more people boarded, she finally decided to put him safely under her seat. The poor cat's toes were all spread apart and claws were out desperately clinging to his mother. Felicity had to pull at every one of his toes to get him off her shirt and into the bag.
"MOW!" MOM! Othello cried for her every few minutes as the shuttle departed and began it's ascension into space. She felt bad for putting him through so many new encounters in such a short period of time, but Spock hadn't allowed her any other reasonable option. Cooing his name would calm him for a while, until the ride became more smooth and he settled down.
It did not take long for the shuttles to arrive at their destination, and Felicity handed Othello and her other bags and paintings off to report to duty. They would be delivered to her quarters later.
Back in her red, security dress sooner than anticipated, Felicity walked through the relatively serene hallways. A soft but bright, red lipstick adorned her lips. It was another change to help her feel more confident. The mercury exuded a calm the Enterprise never saw with collected, cerebral officers and crew concerned with minute details and motives rather than saving the universe.
The boring, beige walls were never more inviting.
The majority of Felicity's first hours back on the ship were spent in the company of Damien Tarr who coached her about the duties required of a chief of security. At one point, he pointedly asked, donning a lighthearted expression, if she would be able to cope with whatever the job entailed. Confirming her maturation, he accepted the proclamation without hesitation.
After being lectured and tutored for the better part of five, long hours with the captain, Felicity was temporarily dismissed for dinner and trotted to the mess hall, hungry and in need of some relaxation.
Upon acquiring her tray of food, complete with a ham sandwich, an apple, a Caesar salad and strawberry ice cream, she spotted a familiar friend. The younger Vulcan twin was sitting by himself reading over a PADD and neglecting his own, poor, boring salad.
Scampering over with more enthusiasm than she actually felt, Felicity proudly announced, "I'm back!"
Without so much as a curious look, Ku-lak slowly looked up and casually remarked, "Longer for eight months?"
The smile immediately fell from her face. "You are not funny, Ku-lak."
"I was merely curious. We will be gone for much longer this time, so I hope you will be durable enough for a seven-year mission." His words were meant with the most amiable intentions as she sat on the other side of the table.
"Certainly. Think you can handle me for seven years?"
"You are my friend, Felicity, despite our imposing differences."
"Is Kat-tah here?" she asked conspiratorially.
Ku-lak looked around in mock interest. "Not in the mess hall as of yet, no, but he is stationed on the ship. We are not sent on different missions, away from each other, remember?"
"Ya, ya." Felicity waved him off and eagerly scoped out the mess hall for other people she would remember. Here overt mood was in part due to exhilaration but also partly false. It was a coping mechanism deeply rooted in her cerebellum. Pretending like nothing happened, like there was nothing to worry about or distress over, then she could pretend to function flawlessly.
As quickly as her mood inflated, Felicity began to feel severely depressed and stared at her half-eaten food with disdain. The destructive, obsessive nature led her to contemplate the parting argument from only a few hours prior. Should she have seen his decision coming? There were many occasions she took advantage of his caring nature, but was the failure more her fault than she accepted? He taught her how to love, even if she was still too selfish to do so properly.
While more melancholy than ever, a comfortable silence was draped over her and Ku-lak's personal table. The doctor continued his reading, and Felicity took the chance to examine his every feature. He was certainly not as long and lean as Spock. He was shorter too; certainly not as much as her but shorter for his species. The muscles in his body were much more defined though, and his strong arms stretched the fabric of his blue uniform.
Loathing the appreciation she had for another gorgeous Vulcan, she looked around the room for something else of interest. For all the good her current dinner was worth, she should have stayed with Captain Tarr until her training was finished and then asked one of the twins for something to help her fall asleep.
As her thoughts became more and more melancholy, an officer she'd never seen before caught her attention, and she hastily patted the table to gain Ku-lak's attention. "Check it out. Another Vulcan around. Maybe you should chat her up."
"I speak with her regularly." he said without looking back up at her.
Felicity was constantly amazed at how thick Vulcans could be, especially in regards to love and sex, all the good parts of life. "I mean go flirt with her."
Ku-lak looked at her with great confusion. "Why?"
Giving up, she shook her head. "I'm just teasing you. Who is she?"
"She is my mate, Z'lin."
It would certainly take some time getting used to their conversations again. They were always so strenuous. Ku-lak could just come up with anything to throw Felicity off her guard at any time during their talks. "What? Why is she here?" She wanted to also ask "how" is she here, but chose to remain more appropriate.
He reacted as if nothing were out of the ordinary. "She is a chemist; originally conducting research on various planets for similar molecular composition to inhabitable ones. After the destruction of Vulcan, I requested she accompany me for her own safety. Now she does research in specialized labs. Being that we are not on a research ship, none of our preexisting labs were properly outfitted with the necessary equipment."
She was surprised at how well accommodated the female Vulcan was on the ship. The situation still did not appear wholly reasonable. "Why not live with the other Vulcans? They're creating a new colony, aren't they?"
Ku-lak looked to Z'lin and observed her. "Yes. It is a possibility, but my brother would remain, and I do not wish to leave him alone."
"Oh, I think he can take care of himself."
Without showing a hint of emotion, her friend practically scoffed at her. "Certainly. He is a fully mature Vulcan, but I could assume he may occasionally become reclusive. I bring out his more sociable side."
"You're kidding me, right?"
"Oh no." Ku-lak disagreed with all seriousness.
A much less mischievous yet still humorous, older Vulcan found his way to their table and sat next to his brother. "Welcome back, Commander Windsor." Kat-tah nodded to Felicity.
Looking beside him, Ku-lak regarded his twin with a certain degree of haughty disbelief. "I am your brother, and yet you do not bother to acknowledge me?"
A slight shrug was the only physical response from Kat-tah as he started to eat his own salad. "I see you everyday. You hold no interest for me any longer."
Ku-lak very quietly snorted to himself and returned to his food.
It was as if the past three years had never happened. There were a few changes though. Kat-tah was much nicer. Marovin was no longer with them, which broke Felicity's heart. She always had so much fun with him, and he was a great person to ask advice. No longer would she have that opportunity. There could also be the pain she felt from the recent heartbreak, but she was on the Mercury when Tracie died, so that was still the same, even if fleeting.
The initial excitement of her reinstated job gradually wore away, and the pain began to set in more readily. Felicity loved Spock. There was no doubt in her mind. She had, she did and she still would for some time.
No longer did she feel like eating, and pushed the tray away from her. Kat-tah looked up from the PADD lying next to his tray and asked curiously, "Do you wish for one of us to dispose of your food for you?"
Holding up her hands apologetically, she tried to explain her actions. "Oh. No. Sorry, I'm not hungry anymore and pushed it away not really thinking."
Ku-lak joined his brother in regarding Felicity. "Are you certain? It would be no trouble."
"Well, I didn't...fine." she surrendered.
Kat-tah was first to stand, gracefully took her tray and left to find a receptacle. While he was away, Ku-lak asked, "Do you need to return to duty?"
"I'm sorry. I know I must be exasperating you."
"No. I was simply curious." The doctor watched her carefully. "You're not acting yourself, Felicity."
"Yeh, not much."
"Are you feeling well?"
Pushing herself up from the seat, Felicity donned a fake smile and said with much more gusto than she felt, "Well enough, Ku-lak, thank you, but I do need to get back to business. Crime doesn't sleep, you know." Her stride took her swiftly through the mess hall.
But Ku-lak was not ready to be ignored just yet. "How can it sleep? It is an intangible theory given to name certain types of events."
"Always a pleasure talking with you." she called out loudly to him without hindering her gait.
Kat-tah walked back to the table looking at Felicity's back and turned to his brother. "Were you rude to her?"
Ku-lak shook his head innocently.
After the oddly stressful dinner, Felicity went back to the security deck where the captain was waiting. There wasn't much else he had to review with her, especially since the hour was getting late, and he wanted to get some sleep at a decent hour.
The last hour was mainly comprised of management skills. Her inherent good nature was not the best for commanding and high-ranking positions which required a person to be detached, unemotional and often harsh. Captain Tarr took extra time with her to make sure she would have the least amount of hassle from subordinates with the least amount of effort and tyranny.
The rest of what Felicity needed to know, she could read out of the security manuals he gave her, and with a genial 'good evening', the captain dismissed himself.
Once off-duty, Felicity scrambled to her new room. Cleaning was in order. It was in a disarray of chaos due to the hasty packing and people who had no idea of what to do with all her weird items. Also, she needed to snuggle her poor, lonely cat and calm down from a growing sense of panic and loneliness.
Even while at the busiest part of her day, Spock was always in her mind making it difficult to think. She barely noticed Othello sitting near the door waiting for her. The hair on his back was still prickled up, but he was much more mellow from the sedative and vaccinations required of all animals in space.
"Mow, waahhh?" Mom, what are we doing here? His cry was so loud, Felicity immediately picked him up and tried to flatten the hair on his back. The little body was tense with anxiety like his mama, but once in her arms, he started to purr for comfort. Not sure where they were, he wanted to go back home.
His mother did explain to him why they were leaving. Most of the reasons didn't make sense to him, but one reason was that his father didn't want to be with them. He wondered if he had done something to upset his father so much. Othello loved and didn't want to be separated from his dad for long. Maybe he would change his mind and come to find them.
As the tension left the black cat, Felicity set him on the floor. Othello went and laid on his cat carrier refusing to move for the duration of the evening. He wanted to go home and see his dad. Eventually Felicity brought his litter box and food dish to where he was moping. She scratched the top of his head then gently massaged his pointy ear between her fingers. It was something Spock always did, and he let out a mix between a sigh and a gentle whine.
Rather than reading the security manuals required, the newly instated officer sat with her cat. The companionship was necessary for both as they shared the same nostalgic thoughts about Spock. Felicity would occasionally pet Othello's soft body absentmindedly, and when she zoned out and stopped the therapeutic messaging, he would bat at her hand with his paw impatiently. She would then be so tickled by how cute her kitten was, that she would smother him with lots of kisses.
This process was repeated four times when the bell to their quarters rang bring both back to a reality where other people existed and there was no Spock. Felicity stood and stretched to answer the door, but Othello stayed behind, not really caring who was on the other end. He also wished his food dish was only a few inches closer, so he wouldn't have to get up to eat.
On the other side of the automatic door was a familiar, if not blank face. It was not the Vulcan she expected to find at her quarters though. "Kat-tah. What are you doing here?" While not exactly welcoming, she was not used to him visiting her. Ku-lak used to visit on occasion when she was previously on the ship, but this was a new encounter. Though she did have to conceed, their interactions were not wholly compatible before the investigation of the Bolian ambassador's death.
"I brought you a welcoming return gift. May I be invited in to give it to you, or would you prefer for me to remain outside?" His eyes, while blank, were much less menacing than in the past. She knew it was an earnest question with no desire for animosity or sarcasm.
Silently berating herself for being so vacant-minded, she waived him in. "Yes. I'm so sorry. I'm still a bit out of sorts after today."
Kat-tah nodded and entered Felicity's quarters with a kennel in hand.
"What's that?"
He looked from the kennel, to her and back to the kennel again. "The gift."
Never more had she wanted to slap a hand to her face. "What is the item?"
"A felis catus. A cat." Setting the kennel on the carpeted floor of her room, Kat-tah knelt down to open the hinged door and free him, but the small cat was not keen on leaving his portable home. His fur was a light, rich grey with an immediate blue hue and prickled up on the lower part of his back. The eyes were wide and the most vivid shade of Jade.
"This is a Russian Blue. Where did you find one?"
The Vulcan knelt with her to examine the wary cat. "I found him on Earth. When I heard the news of how you would be returning, I decided to find you a companion in the event you would unable to bring Mr. Othello."
"Kat-tah this is excellent. He will be the perfect companion for Othello and will help take his mind off Earth. His coat is so lovely. Shy maybe, but hopefully I'll prove to be a worthy mother for him. Thank you so much." Felicity greatly wished to hug Kat-tah right then but was stopped by all she knew about Vulcan social conventions. Just once she wanted to act rashly and hug him without making him feel severely uncomfortable. "Well, since he is a Russian Blue, I guess my only option is to name him Gorbachev." she said matter-of-factly.
Narrowing his eyes, her friend looked at her sideways. "I don't see it as being your only option, but if you chose to do so, then very well."
"Sounding like a Vulcan never gets old for you, does it?"
The gray cat's demeanor was stiff and rigid, but he stood his ground in front of Felicity. Curiosity outweighed fear as he gave her a quick kiss on her extended finger.
Neither noticed Kat-tah's miniscule, uncomfortable shifting. They were too busy creating a bond dissimilar to that of a Vulcan nature but just as important and intimate. Kat-tah on the other hand wanted answers to the many lingering questions that starting jumping into his mind the millisecond he was informed of her return. There was one question at the forefront though. "Why are you here, Felicity?"
Sitting up straight yet remaining in a cross-legged position, she tore her eyes away from the new friend to look up at an old one. "I wanted my job back."
But he disagreed. "No. You wanted to leave. That much is evident. Your job on Earth made you happy, and you expressed no desire to return to the ship until most recently."
"I guess going back out into space on the Enterprise made me realize how much I miss it."
"Serving on the Mercury wasn't the most exciting or glamorous job to you previously." he pointed out, and quite accurately too.
Suspicion started to brew inside her. "Is there a reason you're so fervent to find the 'truth' about my actions?"
"I apologize, but...you can tell me the truth without worry of gossip."
"Is that your way of saying you're my shoulder to lean on?"
Staring at her blankly as a few seconds passed, he finally said, "I do not understand your analogy, but I assume you are capable to infer what I mean."
"No need to worry about gossip, but that doesn't include a disclaimer about you still being a noisy housewife. I left because I broke up with Spock. Well, the other way around actually." Her voice was as she ended her sentence.
"What brought about his decision?" Felicity gave Kat-tah an incredulous look, and he added quickly,
"If you do not mind my asking." as if his follow up would remedy any breached social lines.
"After going back and forth whether he wanted to continue a relationship with me, he decided we were incompatible and informed me I was too reckless."
They both were silent and deep in their own thoughts about her predicament. Finally Kat-tah broke the silence with an unpleasant undertone. "As my brother explained to you in the past, Mr. Spock is inexperienced."
"Inexperienced and uninformative." she said with a unprofessional snort.
"Uninformative?" His brows knit together; a huge emotional reaction in her books.
Felicity was beginning to remember what it felt like to have a good friend around and unconsciously acted more catty than usual. "About certain requirements of Vulcan biology."
Kat-tah considered her words reviewing all possibilities of what she was referring and only came to one conclusion. "He never told you?" Disbelief weaved its way into his voice. Though completely against his cultural norm and being far too dignified to want to discuss anything having to do with sex, he couldn't help but feel a growing concern for Felicity. "Did the incident occur while you were together."
"Just before we left on the Enterprise. It was bit of a shock, I can tell you. I think I still have a few lingering bruises."
"He is in no way justified for keeping that information from you."
"Regardless, he did. Doesn't really matter though now. We're separated, and I'm restarting my career."
He nodded. "I was curious whether you two forfeited your relationship."
"That's a good way to put it, and it was he who did so, not me, or 'us'." The sour taste of aversion became prominent in her mouth. It was the bitterness of bile and devastation.
"You have my condolences." said her companion looking back to the cat he brought into her quarters.
"And what am I to do with them?" Being around Vulcans so much was made very evident in the way Felicity spoke sometimes. This is such an instance.
Kat-tah was not sure if she was joking or serious asking, since her humor was so dry. "It was my understanding humans offered emotional empathy in times of need. For what productive reason, I am uncertain, but I wished to uphold social protocol."
"Thank you, but you don't need to since it's weird enough already." Felicity laughed ruefully.
There were so many more questions Kat-tah wanted to ask, many having to do with her safety and quality of well being, but he did not know what would be appropriate. Instead he knelt by quietly as Othello cautiously stalked away from his cat carrier and over to the dustier version of himself. Both cats met each other nose to nose in front of their mama and sniffed with apprehension. After becoming acquainted, Othello took two steps forward and rammed his head against Gorbachev's neck, to which the new kitty responded by licking his older brother's head.
What an instance; to see one's self in a future state.
Spock sat in the shuttle bay for a long time after both Felicity and his older self left. The high pitched sounds of the tools cleaning the various shuttles hurt his acute hearing, but it all became a loud, droning noise as he emptied his mind to encounter a glimpse of anything the woman he still loved was feeling. Pain and heartbreak was all he sensed for an hour and thirteen minutes, then after, there was a passionate excitement, but after the disruption, the sorrow returned.
He had time. He had a lot of time before the Enterprise would be ready for duty again. After making the decision to stay with the ship, Spock considered informing the new captain of his desire to stay would be the most reasonable course of action, but the actual effort was not found appealing. He wanted to do nothing.
That much was certainly accomplished while sitting on a small bench inside the shuttle bay, but the noise was loud, and the coolant smells made his stomach churn, or maybe it wasn't the smell at all causing his unrest.
Either way, pushing himself into a standing position seemed like an endless struggle. After only God knows how long, his spine was finally in line enough for his body to properly engage in a walking progression. Packing was possible. He wondered if the effort was worth his time. Kirk could easily dismiss him, and then Spock would have to go back to his job teaching and occasionally walk past Felicity. The two would pretend not to see each other or even take different routes to avoid any confrontation. Then for the next few days their hearts would have to heal tiny holes of desperation and desire until the pain became numb again, and their lives could continue on without hope.
Oh. He was standing in front of his apartment door. How long had he been there? Stepping inside, the area felt empty and awful. Without Felicity, his life held little light, and none was shining on the boring residence.
The couch looked promising though; nice and cushy. The room wasn't loud, and there was no noxious odor, but yet his stomach still churned. Meditation was not even a viable possibility. His pain was so great, all that could be done was sit and detach from the world.
Not even little Othello was around to visit and cuddle him.
If it was this difficult for him being only half human, Spock wondered if breaking away from another hurt everyone else so fervently. How must Felicity be feeling right now?
And he was the cause. It was always him who made her upset. Everything was his fault; every wrong, every pain, physical or mental... Physical. No doubt the beautiful and supremely amazing woman would still have barely visible bruises lingering on her skin from the most recent and last copulation. Blame was the only condolence he could allow, and even if it wasn't necessarily all his fault or logical to even place blame solely on one person, he refused any alternative.
The same tremulous thoughts swirled around Spock's mind for hours as he sat. Breaking off their relationship was much easier in his head; beforehand he had been prepared. Even a sense of release was felt, but now emptiness took it's place.
After a decent amount of mourning and time for self-pity, feet were dragged into the bedroom where the few personal effects were kept. The lute was there along with a few random, and inefficient gifts from his mother and Felicity in previous years; a few birthday cards which were monetarily worthless which he could never part with, and the framed picture of Felicity, Terry and himself. It always caught his eye during times in his life when neither were present. How very ironic and cruel.
It quite understandably did not take long at all for him to pack the few items. During the process, a few squeaky mice were found in small furniture crevices. They held no value, so Spock threw them away, but wished he could make use of the other toys left over at his apartment. Finding Felicity to give them back would prove to be a horrible mission, and he knew better, even if every decent emotion screamed at him to see her. At least Othello had been taken to Oona in his carrier. Having to throw that away would have been a great waste.
Once ready to leave a planet which held no more promises for him, Spock considered what to do next. Going to bed and moping for the duration of his "shore leave" was the most desirable and promising, but the lack of productivity and appalling, slot-like action was not seen into fruition. He was still Vulcan and could not succumb so pathetically to his emotions. A deep sigh came from his hard chest, and he clasped his hands behind his back while walking out the bedroom in a long, slow stride; through the living room and out the apartment door.
It was no great quest. He wished to say his farewells to Oona now, so he could relax and meditate as much as he needed before going back to duty, and even if he wouldn't admit it out loud, Spock needed someone to talk with after the emotionally taxing morning.
It was 1302 hours. Surely the communications professor would still be in her office. If Spock were looking for any normal person able to follow a typical nine to five job, he would be certain of her location, but since it was Oona he was looking for, she could be anywhere. If she left a note saying she was in Tahiti, he wouldn't be surprised.
Fortunately she was right where he expected her to be. The door to her office was open and inviting. Stepping inside, he stood in front of the desk and waited for her to acknowledge him.
Looking up sensing a disturbance in her office, the sight of a very deflated Spock shocked her almost right out of her pants. "What are you doing here?"
"I came - Oona, where are your earrings?" Spock's eyebrows knit together in disbelief.
She couldn't understand why her earrings were such a big deal. The fact people even noticed them surprised her. "Ugh. I didn't want to wear any today."
"Are you feeling well?"
"Yes, but my life is one big whirlwind right now. Don't worry about it though. What brings you here."
Clasping his hands together behind his back, he steadied himself before speaking. "I came to say goodbye."
Oona's jaw dropped. So much was happening in one day. Too much. "What?"
"There was some spare time I had to myself on the ship, where I was laboring to make a decision to either remain in Starfleet or relocate with the other Vulcans."
"And you decided to be with your people?" She narrowed her eyes having already been visited by his other half earlier and was becoming upset with his odd choices.
"No. I'm staying with Starfleet but on the starship Enterprise."
Without any real mirth, Oona laughed to herself. "So I'll be alone then."
Spock tilted his head to the side lick a curious dog. "Not necessarily-"
"Felicity came by earlier to tell me she was accepted back to the Mercury. She was leaving today."
"Oh..." His heart sank. He didn't know why, but the news was slowly tearing away his facade of calm. Perhaps it was the quickness with which she bounced back to gaining some semblance of control in her life. Or perhaps it was that her certainly wouldn't see her anymore much less this day. Whatever the reason, he instantly wanted to be alone.
But Oona had other plans, and they were not of the gentle sort. "What were you thinking? She loved you so much, and you go and throw it all away because you had an argument?"
Spock's hands separated and balled into loose fists. "We were not compatible long term, Oona, and I did not come here to be lectured. I do not need your approval to make decisions in my life especially regarding my relationships, when in the past you have actually complicated matters between Felicity and myself."
Oona opened her mouth to retort but held her breath and slouched in her chair slightly. "You're right. I guess I'm just upset about the whole thing."
"You're upset?" he said without any attempt to hide his exasperation.
Immediately feeling guilty for her outburst, the small, Tahitian woman spoke softly to him. "I know. I am very sorry you two aren't together anymore. You were perfect for each other."
"One could hardly say we were compatible, but are separation remains difficult and strenuous."
"Don't you miss her?"
"Obviously." he said rather tersely. She knew very well he had emotions, so there was no reason to make him go and admit some of the pain he was feeling. The emotion of love was only harming him, and since there was a job to do, he could no longer indulge in such frivolous things.
"Dearest..." Oona searched his averted eyes while trying to think of how to possibly console a Vulcan. "The only comfort I can give is that it will hurt less in time."
"How much time?" Spock asked quietly.
"A long time. Months? Even years for some people. It all depends on you, sweetheart." Oona shrugged.
"Your answer hardly brings me any peace of mind." he replied sorrowfully.
"I know. I won't say to try and not think of her, because you will, or to look for other women, because you won't, or to look at the bright side, because to you, there is none."
"You have done well to concisely paraphrase my...mood," the word tasted bitter, since he hated admitting the affliction of emotions, "but you have not offered any solutions."
Reluctantly she could offer him so help. "For the way you feel, there is no solution."
Spock tried thinking of another way to rephrase he dilemma, but he knew there would still be no decision. At a loss for words regarding much of anything, he asked quietly, "Is Othello still with you?"
"Felicity came by earlier. I gave her the code for my apartment so she could get him."
It was silly, childish and quite possibly ridiculous, but he felt even more disheartened for not being able to have a proper goodbye with the cat. Indeed. It was an incredibly ridiculous thing for especially a Vulcan to feel, but to be fair, the animal was his months before Felicity and he were even reunited. He was alone again. "Well then, Oona, I suppose I am going to leave and finish my preparations for reboarding."
"Before you leave, I have something for you." Oona got up from her chair, waddled around the wooden desk and over to the bookshelf across the office. She took a small, dolphin statue carved from wood off one of the shelves and offered it to Spock. "I took this one with me when I left Tahiti. I felt it would always bring me happiness and good fortune, and hopefully it will do the same for you."
Now a very tired-looking Vulcan stood and slowly shook his head. "Thank you, Oona, but I do not want you to give me your things."
"Let me. I want to." Spock sighed and accepted the small dolphin. "Put it on your desk on the ship or something. Don't just put it in a drawer now! Promise me you won't."
He stared at her and unwillingly said, "I promise."
Making her way over to him, she stood on the tips of her small toes to reach his cheek for a kiss. Oona grabbed Spock's arms and appraised him like she would her own son and said, "I'll miss you, dear. Do not forget to contact me every once in a while."
"I will not, Oona. You are a good friend."
"Aww. I love you too, dear." and before Spock could argue with her interpretation of his words, she scooted him out of the dolphin-laden office. With now both of her dears gone, Oona sat back in her chair very melancholy and began to write a letter to her husband in Tahiti.
Spock walked slowly back to his quarters deep in thought and with the dolphin statue clutched tightly to his chest. No one could possibly understand him as well and as thoroughly as Felicity and Oona, and with that comprehension gone, he again felt like a foreigner. It took a long time for people to understand the emotional detachment of Vulcans, and having to start all over again on the Enterprise was not something he looked forward to. He thought about his decision over and over again all the way to what he would consider home for only a few more days.
In actuality it did not take long for the Enterprise to be retrofitted. Spock sat useless for only five days before it was ready again. During the time he spent in his apartment, he did not bother to contact Jim Kirk or any other officers. Apathy prevented him from doing so, and he hoped the plan to simply show up and request the job as first officer would be seen to fruition.
A separate shuttle took him to the space dock where the Enterprise was waiting for full boarding, since he was not considered one of the crew. Nervous from the uncertainty he went about his job proposal, Spock sat with the small bag of personal belongings and tried to calm himself with pleasant thoughts of the past.
He drifted back to a time when he, Felicity and Terrence were kayaking down one of the springs off campus. It was that night he first considered giving Felicity a kiss, especially after he saw her so scantily clad. They shared many personal conversations that day. It retrospect, it was a very enjoyable experience, even though he hated it at the time due to the water.
Kayaking reminded him of surfing, and how much better Felicity was at it then him. He remembered their competitive style and Oona off in the distance pleased just to be out in the water. There were so many things he did to try and get out of that one, even a mild attempt at seducing Felicity, but really he was glad they went in the end.
Any attempt to calm his nervousness was indeed rewarded with an apathetic sense of sorrow. Spock was even more miserable than before.
For the rest of the trip to space dock, he reviewed what he would say to Jim Kirk. He even created an escape speech in case of not being accepted, but to not accept a Vulcan for chief science officer and first mate would be a horrible decision completely lacking logic. But humans were not noted for their logic.
Though he didn't think it possible, he was even more depressed than before.
Before he knew it, the small shuttle docked, and he walked the gauntlet down the hallways to get to the Enterprise. Once there, left his items with security for them to be scanned before allowing him to take them properly into his quarters, if he were to have any. When he entered the bridge, all on board seemed either surprised or bored by his presence. Apparently some figured he would be back while others didn't think he'd return after the beating he gave the now captain.
Walking up to meet Kirk face to face, he recited the line practiced while on the shuttle, "As you have yet to select a first officer, respectfully I submit my candidacy." It was an arrogant way to ask for a job and didn't allow much room for a blatant "no".
The young captain's smile was warm as he accepted his new first officer, and Spock made his way to the science computer terminal. On the way, he couldn't help but notice the smug face of Nyota smiling at him. She was mocking the inconsistency of his decision, he knew. It was an issue to be dealt with later. He had to supervise the separation from space dock at the present.
His first day back was scheduled with very little to do. Check for any anomalies in the space around them, their route and their eventual destination. Perform random requests of the captain, and watch over the ship in general.
It felt incredibly unproductive to be back on the Enterprise with all his newly found comrades and not have any pressing matter to attract his full attention. This in turn allowed him more down time and more time to think. Besides becoming better acquainted with his new job as first officer of the newest flagship for Starfleet, there wasn't much on his mind other than Felicity. Every second was a constant struggle and internal argument whether or not he made the correct decision.
Not that it mattered any longer. Felicity would never accept him back, if he were to request it. Each minute ticked by as image after image of the woman passed through his thoughts. Her in the bikini. Her in lingerie. Her in one of her black dresses. Her in nothing at all. Her in one of his undershirts. For some unexplainable reason, the latter was his favorite. She always looked appealing in while lounging around in his clothes. Some of them still probably smelled like her. Spock made a mental note to wash all those clothes immediately. Maybe even throwing them away would be better.
As the clock moved at an achingly slow pace to the end of his shift, Spock made no indication he knew he was finished for the day. Remaining oblivious in his chair to the others on the bridge, it wasn't until Jim asked him why he was still there, that Spock said he wanted to complete a scan. It wasn't a lie. Really it wasn't. He did want to complete some scan of anything at all to prevent him from going back to his quarters and spending the rest of the day alone. Well, what could be considered "day" on a starship.
After the thirteen, unnecessary scan he began were completed, Spock finally had to surrender his station to another science officer. It was an Earth, Asian woman who couldn't even reach the height of his shoulders. She had shoulder-length black hair and smiled shyly at him while taking the previously occupied seat, but all he saw was a nameless figure in blue.
His body moved faster than his slow sight could comprehend, and the world around was like a slow blur of insignificant colors.
It wasn't fair. Was it not his decision to end his time with Felicity? Why should he feel so volatile? A fleeting fancy passed through his mind, and he considered requesting a drug from Dr. McCoy to allow him some relaxation, but it wouldn't help his problems long term, so he decided to forgo the whimsical idea.
It was hard to say how many people he passed in the halls or if he shared the turbolift with other crew members. He hoped no one asked him any questions, for they would have gone unanswered. The pain was not comparable to what was felt when his mother died, but Spock still did not understand how to cope.
Walking into his new quarters, the main aspect was peace. Clean and empty walls, a simply made bed, a standard desk with his work computer and completely lacking in any personal affects or items that held meaning. He would eventually add the few items he packed away, such as his lute and other Vulcan artifacts that were now more scarce than an honorable Romulan. There were also a handful of gifts his mother had given him throughout his few birthdays they celebrated together, or simply because she just loved him. He would certainly have to display those.
But then there was also the issue of the items which reminded him of Felicity. It took a long amount of time for debate whether or not to even keep them, and he knew an equal amount of time would be spent on deciding if they should be displayed with the rest of his precious things. Would their reminders easy and comfort or tie his heart into a knot? His answers would come with time. All that matter right at the moment he stepped into his quarters was the complete absence of any emotional instigation.
Empty would be more appropriate. Also kind of lonesome. He was alone, for the first time in many years. It was better this way. He and Felicity both were doing what they wanted. They wouldn't irritate each other anymore. Spock had to keep repeating the mantra over and over in his head hoping he may actually begin to believe the hallow words.
There was a noise in the distance. It was barely audible, and he wondered casually where it was coming from. The noise stopped after the briefest of moments, but began again. Shaking out of the surreal daze, Spock realized the noise was his doorbell. Spinning around quicker than he thought possible, he opened the door without even considering there would be someone waiting on the other side.
Unfortunately for his own pride and peace of mind, it was Nyota. She did not appear as snide as when he first boarded, but her presence was not something he welcomed.
Without any greeting, she stepped inside and watched Spock waiting for him to speak. When he didn't, Nyota started. "I'm surprised you decided to stay with us. Where is Commander Windsor?"
Silence was her response.
"I see. So was did my rejection make everything worth it, or now is everything in your world ruined?" She folded her arms across her chest.
"If you have anything else you wish to speak with me about, may it only involve our work or being thus related." he shot back at her.
"We can't just have a civilized conversation?"
Sticking his nose up even further than when she first entered, he politely stated, "Not with you apparently."
This wasn't how she wanted things to be between them, especially since they had to work together for the next five years, but she still felt the sting of his lack of desire for her. "I apologize for what I said, but now I suppose you feel how bad the pain of rejection is."
"It was I who ended our relationship." he corrected.
Nyota's brows furrowed together so closely, they looked as if they were sewn together. "What?"
"I believe my statement was quite clear." Clearing his throat, he clasped he hands behind his back. It was the stance of confidence and stability. Spock needed both. "What is the status of our current mission?"
"Head out to the Delta Quadrant. We're suppose to check on the status of several Starfleet colonies in the area. Nothing as exciting as we're used to."
He nodded his understanding and said nothing in response. There wasn't much else he wanted to say to her, and every second he was in her presence felt like a mockery of his recent decision. Though Vulcan, his confidence was waning, and he wanted time to himself, time to reflect and he patiently waited for her to leave.
His luck would not hold. Not being able to help herself she had to ask a burning question. "Do you have another girl in mind?"
Greatly wishing to mirror her stance and fold his arms across his chest as if having a temper tantrum, he forgot the whimsical thought and replayed an answer he had spoken so many times before. "I am not going to reiterate the lack of all desire to begin a relationship with you, Nyota."
She threw her hands into the air as if celebrating. "Then we're finally on the same page. I was actually interested in the new engineer. The question was merely a curiosity."
"Oh." It always was much easier for him to be defensive but accepting of Nyota's affection. Now that she was no longer interested, he felt a certain change of emotions difficult to describe. The closest comparison was when he and Felicity were in the bar with her friends those many years ago. His defensive stance toward her former lover was classified as jealousy, but in the context of his current situation, Spock found it odd he would feel such an illogical emotion.
He didn't want a relationship with Nyota to be sure, but why after her lengthy vendetta of aggressive strategies to ensnare him, when she finally allows him peace in search of another mate, was he now jealous? Emotions were a horrible imposition in life, and he tried his best to suppress and evacuate any trace of feeling from his mind.
Taking a deep breath, he prepared himself to be rude in order to get the relief of solitude he was beginning to desperately need. "If there is nothing else you wish to say, I would like to be left alone now."
"I just wanted to see how things were going."
"Of course." And to gloat, he thought to himself.
"See you later then?" she asked with a smile tugging the sides of her mouth.
He on the other hand found no humor in their conversation and wanted her to leave as quickly as possible. "Most likely since we both work on the bridge."
"Alright, Spock. I'll talk to you later." Swiftly, she nodded to him and walked out of his room.
Disgruntled by the curious and annoying encounter with Nyota, Spock sat at his desk. It was the central focus in the otherwise empty room. For the 132nd time since boarding the Enterprise, he felt the heart-wrenching urge to contact Felicity. She specifically told him not to, but he constantly argued the necessity in his head without ever resulting in a sound conclusion. What if she was in trouble or hurt in some way? His communication could save her life. No. There bond was still present if not already fading a bit, so he would very well know if she were injured or overly stressed. Spock finally had to concede the desire was completely selfish in nature.
Even if he were to contact her, a visual communication was out of the question; she would never accept. The likelihood of receiving and answer to a written message was much greater. There then came the dilemma of what the message would contain. What would it say and ask? Would it be found endearing or bothersome?
In a decision greatly lacking logic, Spock made up his mind and turned on the screen to the computer at his disposal. With the message window open and waiting, he sat, fingers at the ready, yet no words could come. He had no idea of what to say.
While in his devoid state, an alter popped onto the screen informing Spock of an incoming message. For the briefest and most ignorant millisecond, he assumed it to be him mother; she was always one of the few people who contacted him on a regular basis. When realization set in, and it became apparent once again that they would never speak, his pain compounded.
The arousing message on the screen was little more than an automatic notification from Starfleet's medical records reminding the commander to receive an updated physical, due to the long duration since the previous one.
Irritated by the interruption, Spock grumbled at the computer screen, mumbling something about how Vulcans do not require annual physicals like humans. After thoroughly complaining under his breath, he continued his quest for communication with Felicity. Rather than thinking out the whole message before typing, he opted for a more counter-intuitive route by typing while the thoughts came into his mind.
Dearest Felicity,
No. That would appear too desperate. Not to say he wasn't desperate to have any communication with her, even if their parting had only been a few days earlier, but after reading an opening to a letter worded as such, she may neglect to continue reading.
Commander Windsor,
Hmm. Seemed too impersonal. Though they could hardly even be considered in a professional relationship, the words still were too heartless for him to keep, rude almost was how they sounded in his mind. Compared to the intimate ways he used to address her, this opening was almost insulting.
Felicity,
Simple. To the point and without any desirous or terse undertones. Finally, he felt like he was on the right track.
Felicity,
I understand I am the person you would like to speak with least of all in the universe right now, but I cannot help thinking of you constantly...
Too desperate again, but in all actuality, it was how he felt; desperate. How exactly wasd he supposed to compose a blaze massage to the first woman he ever loved? Considering this revelations, he decided to keep the previous statement.
Felicity,
I understand I am the person you would like to speak with least of all in the universe right now, but I cannot help thinking of you constantly. I wish to know you are keeping well and if Othello is in good health. Please let me know you're in acceptable circumstances for my own peace of mind.
Cmdr. Spock
It was odd really, going from foolhardy to almost being stuffy, but it was the best he could do under the circumstances of having no experience in the matter of post-relationship contact, especially since there was no one there to guide him through the social protocols like how there used to be. He missed Felicity for more reasons than one.
Clicking "send" before deciding against sending the message, he shut the computer down for the evening. A loafing desire to sleep fell upon him like never before, and Spock moved towards his bed with plans to sulk until sleep allowed him to escape reality.
A black undershirt was left unknowingly on the floor from his apathetic unpacking earlier. As Spock walked near the small chest which held his uniforms and undershirt, he notice the black form out of the corner of his eyes and quickly maneuvered gracefully to not step on it. He hung his head with renewed sorrow from realizing the object was clothing rather than a small kitty waiting to play.
Shuffling the rest of the way to his bed, he climbed onto the cushioned mattress and fell into his pillows. He did not care at all how undignified he must appear.
Over the six months Othello and his mother moved onto the big ship, she had taken him so many new places. He went where all the humans ate their kibbles. He went where they play hard with their big toys and got very shiny...his mama called it sweat. On occasion he even went to visit the two Vulcan's homes. They were always very fun and nice to him; talking to him like the big boy he was. His mama smothered him too much. Men knew how to treat other men.
Othello especially liked Kat-tah, because only around him was his mom happy again, besides of course being with her little, furry babies. He also liked Kat-tah because the Vulcan was how he found his new friend Gorby. He wasn't able to pronounce Gorbachev.
He was contemplating this very thought while tucked into a small cat bed next to the couch. His brother was there too nestled together with their tails wrapped around each other. Gorby was giving Othello a bath
For the first few days, Gorbachev was apprehensive about his new living arrangements. The older cat and random woman who would smother him with kisses were very peculiar, and he didn't know how to react to them. Othello had to explain to Gorbachev that Felicity was their mother, and she took good care of them, finding them lots of fun toys and giving good snuggles.
After two weeks, the new Russian Blue started to sleep on the bed with them. Once another week passed, he decided to sleep near his mama's head like Othello. One month after Kat-tah gave Felicity the cat, Gorbachev would sleep in his mother's armpit and suck on her nightshirt in blissful contentment.
They were great companions, especially since their mother worked a lot. She wasn't able to be around for most of the day, and Othello would have been very lonely without Gorby.
Felicity on the other hand was making absolutely no progress with new friendships. Constantly being concerned about her job prevented her from wanting to get involved with the intimate and involved process of getting to know people and asking them questions about the kinds of music they like etc.
She also did not wish to create anymore emotional attachments. It seemed that every time she would meet a new and wonderful person, she never saw them again, they would get into a fight and not speak again or they died. The only contact she had with any fellow crew members were loitering around Ku-lak and Kat-tah after her shift, seeing Captain Tarr for lunch on occasion and commanding the younger officers under her.
For the most part, all of Felicity's security personnel acted very respectful and courteous. There were a few instances where she had to diffuse tensions and engage her superior rank for insubordination, but those times were very few. She didn't bother trying to make friends; being the boss didn't allow for weakness, and being friendly with officers she also had to order about did not seem compatible. Or so she thought.
One shift proved inordinately difficult as two rowdy and cocky enlisted boys fresh out of the academy refused to do a word she ordered. Without the usual eagerness to do one's duty and acquiesce commands, Felicity's decency broke down to a complaining and nagging rant making all the cadets under her frustrated. With a feeling of mutiny near by, she finally had to request the help of an older, male officer with well defined muscles.
Her aggravation hit new peaks as some of the other security officers remarked about how unruly she used to be with Marovin. Compounding her feelings of worthlessness as a commanding officer with being cut to the quick. She did not speak to anyone for the duration of her duty except for what was required. If one of the disobedient crew members asked her a question, she would answer them with a calm whisper successfully freaking them out. It was really an attempt at self control, but the side effect of consent was fantastic.
Days like this made her feel even worse about life than her normal loathing. Not only was she incapable of keeping a relationship alive, but she was also worthless in a supervising position.
Thoughts like these always led back to Spock. Still missing him, she never answered one of him numerous messages. Each new contact felt like a fresh stab in her chest, but as time went on the pain dulled to a numb ache. Without his memory being so fresh, she could think back to the more enjoyable times spent together. Slowly but surely, she was learning to let go.
She dragged her feet along the floor and over the threshold to her inviting and relaxing room. Paintings were now neatly situated on the walls, with some walls being almost covered. In the past months, she did nothing of the arts she loved. No painting, no violin, no poetry. Felicity was completely lacking any drive to create and express.
Exhaustion was one excuse. Her job was performed beautifully everyday, but she often overachieved leaving her all but useless for her jovial kittens waiting for her arrival.
And on cue, Othello came prancing out of the bedroom with Gorbachev taking his time in the rear. Picking up the snugly, black cat, Felicity walked to the couch and all but collapsed on the cushions. She desperately wanted sleep after having an awful day, but Kat-tah already made plans to meet with her after his shift which wouldn't end for another hour.
Taking a shower would only result in her fast asleep on the floor between the bathroom and her couch when he came to call on her, so instead she decided to change into a lovely, cotton shirt and pajama shorts. Both kitties were captured and taken to the couch while she waited on the man who was keeping her awake longer than she felt appropriate.
It didn't take long at all for Othello to relax on his mother's chest, but the more aloof Gorbachev struggled to run away and be left to his own devices. Unfortunately, his mother was much bigger and stronger than he and held him in a vice grip.
The small, gray cat struggled and struggled until he had no energy left to struggle any longer. Just when he thought all hope was lost, the door to his mama's room sounded, and he was immediately set free to his elation.
Felicity grumbled the whole few steps to the door and pressed the button on the wall allowing access to the Vulcan on the other side.
Kat-tah's brows fractionally furrowed when seeing her attire, and he greeted her dubiously. "Hello, Felicity."
Waving him in, she yawned, "Hey. Come on in."
He remained on the outside of the threshold instead and asked with a tilt of his head. "Are you preparing for sleep?"
"Eventually."
"Would you prefer me to leave?" he asked not yet stepping inside in the event he would be required to leave immediately.
Sagging against the door frame, she wished he would get inside already. "No. It's fine."
Finally agreeing to enter, Kat-tah followed her to the couple chairs she had in the area immediate to the door. Othello hopped off the couch, watched him with sleepy eyes, then walked to Felicity's bedroom, and Gorbachev was nowhere to be found. Sitting down across from her, he decided to start the conversation, since she was making little effort to do so. "How are you fairing with your new position?"
Slapping a hand to her face, she groaned. "Ugh. I think Marovin was so much better at it than me. I can be a real bitch, but for some reason, it's not when I need to be. Anytime one of my officers or crew members steps out of line, I can't help but be all, 'Now this is kinda how you should do it instead. It's no big deal, but just try and stay focused', when I should be more like, 'Get off your ass, quit making excuses, and shape up, or you're out of here'." She sighed, not only being horrible at social interaction, but being chief of security meant she had to deal with a lot of confrontation. "Kat-tah, you're good at being mean to people. How do you do it?"
Not bothering to acknowledge the backhanded compliment, he delicately folded his hands together. "Felicity, you're problem does not lie in being too agreeable. I've seen you become gruff or terse with your officers before, but what you need to work on is your tact. Saying what you want when you want may have worked in the past, but now your job requires an acceptable presentation."
"There's a lot of stress associated with this job. I gave Marovin less credit...and more trouble than he deserved. It's almost as if I'm in a constant state of anxiety."
Kat-tah responded with a non sequitur. "Would you like a drink?"
Felicity stared at him adjusting to the shift in their conversation. "I'm surprised you would offer such a suggestion."
"I have been witness to more than enough displays of humans professing to necessitate alcohol after difficult times. The physiological process of forcing the brain to relax through spirits is irrefutable."
"You're telling me." A sound came from her computer, the one situated on a small desk in her a corner of her living room. Another message was received. She had an idea of who it was from. There weren't many messages she received from people other than Oona and...well, even then, Oona hardly messaged her much comparison. "Ugh."
When she did not rise to check and, or respond to the alert, Kat-tah asked, "Do you need to check your messages?"
"No. It can wait."
"Are you certain? I do not mind waiting."
Sighing, she looked over to the lonely computer. Wishing she was one who could easily not care whether or not a message was read, her compulsive behavior urged her into a standing position. "Fine. I'll be one second."
Even with an understanding of the relativity of time, the Vulcan could not believe she would only require such a short amount of time. "I sincerely doubt it."
Othello walked back out into the living room while his mother was checking her messages and his brother was napping on their mom's bed. He spotted Kat-tah sitting contemplatively by himself in one of the comfiest chairs. In a sense, he looked a bit lonely. The small, black panther cantered back into his room to get something that makes everyone happy.
While still sitting at her computer but making no effort to write a return message, Felicity absentmindedly asked Kat-tah, "How do I get good?"
"Good at what?"
"Good at being a leader...and personable." she added with chagrin. Being most popular wasn't an honor she particularly cared about, but it was required for a good leader.
"Do what you do best; observe behavior. Then begin to interact and mimic the behaviors you witnessed. We could sit in the mess hall, and you could practice initiating conversations." He appeared genuinely pleased with his idea.
"Then I'll look like a goober." she dismissed without a second thought.
"You have a job to do. Go about it properly, and you will gain respect."
Stroking an imaginary beard, she looked off into the distance and began talking. Kat-tah wasn't sure if she was talking to herself or to him, but he listened anyway. "I could always use a combination of classical and operant conditioning to make them cater to my every need."
"And how would you plan to go about training them?" he asked curiously. She was such a unique character.
"Each time I give an order, I'll have the computer make a commonly heard sound and maybe give them, like a chocolate or something. I will reinforce their responses and each time a computer noise is heard, they will have a created, conditioned response from the condition stimulus. It'll be great!"
"How amusing. Leave it to you to impose subconscious submission in your officers."
"I've exhausted all other resources." She shrugged, and silence fell upon them again as she continued to look through any unread messages. They were all the same; from the same person, saying the same thing. They were making it impossible for her to forget him. Felicity sighed and rested her head in her hands to try and relax again.
While observing her disheartened reaction, Kat-tah felt a disturbance at his feet and looked down to see what all the commotion was about. He saw little Othello sitting at his toes waiting expectantly and an even smaller, blue puppy resting on the tops of his boots. Vulcan and feline shared glances with each other for a few moments before the cat picked up Piddles in his mouth, stood on his haunches and placed the puppy more prominently in Kat-tah's lap.
Felicity suddenly sprang from her seat at the computer and walked back over to her company she so rudely abandoned. Before she neared, Kat-tah quickly set Piddles down next to his chair. Othello pounced on the blue puppy and decided to have a cuddle on the floor.
Without wanting to have an anxiety attack at that particular moment, Felicity tried to start up any conversation that would engage Kat-tah and take her mind off other things. "Do you ever wonder where words come from? Take for instance the word 'hyperventilate'. Common dissection of the word is easy. Ventilate means to provide a space, which had recently been contaminated or sealed, with fresh air. Hyper means to be overexcited or overstimulated. So naturally one would come to the conclusion hyperventilate would loosely mean to excessively provide fresh air to a previously contaminated space, but no. I looked it up, and it means exactly how people use it; breathing abnormally fast and deeply. What the hell?"
"I consider human languages, primarily English, to be particularly senseless."
"At least it's easier to speak than Vulcan." she retorted with an exaggerated sneer.
"Your statement is simply a matter of opinion; it depends on the perspective. Vulcan is much easier for me to understand since it is my heritage. Though I must admit, my English is more elaborate than most human, communication officers who speak Vulcan. Perhaps you are correct, but there are still mitigating circumstances."
It was true, and even though her argument wasn't created to be outstanding, empirical data, she still didn't like being schooled. Her reply sounded a bit deflated. "I suppose you're right."
Shaking off the curious nature of her conversations, Kat-tah straightened himself and took a moment to compose his thoughts before speaking. "Felicity, there is a matter of great importance I need to discuss with you."
"I was under the impression you thought everything coming out of your mouth was important." she said playfully teasing him.
Without making any uncomfortable gestures or shifting in his chair, Kat-tah calmly said, "It is my desire to engage you in a personal relationship. Would you be interested?"
Silence.
Felicity wanted to ask him to repeat what he had said, but she heard it loud and clear. The real trouble was thinking of a response. Not only a response, but she had to think of the whole English language. "But...you were always mean to me. You never used to like me."
He nodded slowly once while keeping his eyes pinned on her. "I can understand how one would perceive my actions in the past as rude and uncouth, but I was merely observing and attempting to comprehend your individual disposition."
Her mouth began to run dry and words were even harder to form. "...wha?"
"You are certainly a polite, individualistic, loud, proper, unruly, stubborn, eclectic, disgruntled, productive person, and it took a great amount of time to comprehend how one person could embody so many traits. For instance, you are both contrary and obedient; a most fascinating mixture. I find every one of your facets to be fascinating."
Felicity ran her fingers through her hair. "I don't understand how this came about."
"My intentions were not clear when I gave you the brandy?" He asked the question so confidently as if she were being unreasonable and incomprehensible.
"I don't know your customs!" Her voice was high and sharp.
"Giving gifts is a very personal interaction between those who wish to engage in a more intimate relationship on Vulcan."
Her heart began to beat faster and faster. She could feel the onset of panic. "Well yes, I've had Spock explain that to me, and I know now, but I didn't get what you were doing at the time and disregarded it as a nice gesture."
"That possibility came to mind, but I concluded you chose to ignore the incident to pursue your relationship with Commander Spock. Though now you are single once more, and it seemed logical to ask your reconsideration, or consideration, actually." His face showed no trepidation or reluctance. Not even the most infinitesimal hint of anxiety. It frustrated her to no end.
"Logical..." Felicity was beginning to despise the word. "How would asking me to be your girlfriend be logical?"
Kat-tah sighed from how taxing the discussion became. He expected to explain some of his feelings to her, but he was having to spell out the whole ordeal. "Because I hold you in high regard and with a strong affection, along with the lack of a connection between you and another male. It seemed logical for me to act on my desires."
She lacked any coherent thoughts. The world seemed to dim and get cloudy with confusion as she looked around the room for some sort of answer. There was a miniscule possibility for her to form words, and it was not going to happen for some time.
"Also, due to your human aging patterns, finding an older Vulcan mate would be much more appropriate than a young, inexperienced one." he added with the first emotion she thought she detected. Haughtiness. After watching her go from shocked to panicked to confused, Kat-tah decided to speak again in an effort to remind her of his presence and gain an answer for his lingering question. "Do you have an answer for my proposal, or do you require a definite, or indefinite, amount of days to consider the matter?"
Gathering herself together to gain control over her entire body, speech included, Felicity squared her shoulders. "Well, the thing is...I'm not ready to start another relationship."
Kat-tah was quiet for a long time watching her with his bottomless, brown eyes. "I see."
An awfully uncomfortable silence fell upon them both, and it torn into Felicity who felt horrible for the rejection and lack of any tact as usual.
Clearing his throat, Kat-tah inclined his head and politely said, "There is nothing else of importance I wish to discuss with you. Unless you have something that requires my immediate attention, I will be leaving. I need to return to sickbay."
Felicity winced at his words. Never had they felt so hallow. She shook her head and whispered, "I'm sorry." He held up his hand at her words to prevent any further sympathy and cordially exited her room with the utmost grace and gentility.
For the following week, Kat-tah busied himself with work, even neglecting his brother in the process. The impending possibility of attempting another alliance with Bolaris IX fueled his ability and desire to remain alone with his research. Any medical advances in Bolian health were always great and necessary, since their bodies were so volatile, the usual medications did nothing to help their ailments.
The Vulcan had his work cut out for him, and after just two days of experiments and continuous work without sleep, he concocted a rather simple vaccine to help treat Bolian thrush. Even their saliva was too acidic for the common treatments to work.
Rather than congratulating himself for his success, Kat-tah worked on testing other remedies. The notes he kept were impeccable, and his work was immaculate. Even the nurses feared entering his office and work areas to prevent any unwanted intrusions that could disturb his experiments.
Ku-lak however had no care for the overload of work and strode into his older brother's office one late afternoon due to not having seen him for five, full days. If he were to contaminate anything, Kat-tah could easily replicate any of his work. "I was beginning to wonder what you looked like, brother." the younger Vulcan said without pretense and sat in a chair in front of his brother's desk.
Kat-tah was on the other side of the room, looking in a microscope and without looking up, casually retorted, "Look in a mirror."
"It was a joke. It was supposed to be humorous. One of the nurses told me to recite it."
"You are certainly capable of following orders."
Being in on the secret, master plan to woo Felicity Windsor, as his brother's most trusted confidant, the younger Vulcan found the terse responses to be highly uncharacteristic and presumed they eluded to a negative, emotional interaction. His brother must have been incredibly perturbed. Tilting his head to the side, Ku-lak wished they could speak face to face, but Kat-tah remained stubbornly at his microscope. "I assume your convocation did not proceed as planned."
"She still harbors feelings for him." It took him great restraint to not sneer the word him.
"You are Vulcan." Ku-lak said easily.
Finally turning around after being fed up with his brother's bothersome comments, Kat-tah looked over his shoulder with eyes slightly narrowed. "Astute observation, brother."
Elated to have full attention on him, Ku-lak stood and began meandering around the room. "By my statement, I was referring to the common factor of your's and Commander Spock's heritages. You being Vulcan may have too many implied and reserved memories that she connects with him thereby decreasing your chances to gain her affections. Further more, I do not believe you allowed her a proper enough amount of mourning time. If your evaluation for timing had been more accurate, she may have been more inclined to accept your advances."
Kat-tah shook his head and looked ruefully at his microscope wishing sincerely that he could be left alone. "It is my belief, brother, that the medical profession was not your calling. Perhaps you should inquire about the job as ship's counselor and behavior analyst."
"It would be plausible. People like me."
As straight-faced as if commenting about the weather on some distant planet, Kat-tah quipped quickly, "People do not like you."
"They like me better than they like you." His voice was monotone and without emotion.
As was his sibling's. "I sincerely doubt it, brother."
"It's true. You're rude and cantankerous by their standards, so they like me better."
"Possibly so, but it is not my job to coddle all the officers and enlisted on this ship. I am here to make contributions to medicine and have accomplished much from merely two days of research. It's more than I can say for you, brother."
"I research." Ku-lak protested, his voice rising infinitesimally.
"Nothing of importance." Kat-tah interjected suddenly proud of his achievements.
"That is a completely subjective opinion." the younger argued.
Giving his brother full attention once again, the older upped the ante. "Then show me what you have completed recently."
"I do not wish to. You're being insulting."
"Or maybe you have nothing to show."
As the two, grown Vulcans bickered like silly housewives, a very sheepish Felicity came to stand in the doorway of Kat-tah's office. Her hands were clasped together and pressed tightly against her chest. "I'm not interrupting anything important, am I?"
Kat-tah immediately stood to attention and gave her his undivided attention, stepping away from his tools. "No."
Ku-lak on the other hand was offended by his brother's lack of interest in their conversation. He looked at Felicity pointedly and said, "Yes."
Turning to his younger brother, Kat-tah stared him down and repeated a strong, "No."
And Ku-lak continued with his stubborn, "Yes."
"No." They shared keen looks until Kat-tah pressed him father away. "Do you not have another occupation to apply for?"
It was really more of a joke shared between the two, but Ku-lak dutifully stood and with an attitude as mellow as one could be, said, "I will be updating my resume." He strode right out without looking back and his nose a bit higher in the air than normal.
Watching the younger brother leave the room snootily, Felicity's uncertain demeanor vanished momentarily "What was that about?" she asked Kat-tah in confusion.
"It doesn't matter." Taking a step closer and clasping his hands behind his back, he started to ask, "What brings you to-"
But Felicity interrupted him in a very serious manner. "Don't stand like that."
"Sorry?" Her quick remark made him freeze in confusion.
"Don't stand with your hands behind your back." she said again.
Kat-tah unclasped his hands and brought them to his sides for a moment before deciding to folding them across his chest. Which also did not feel comfortable, so he tried other different positions, including resting his chin on his fist, before ending with his hands on his hips, like a Vulcan super hero.
Felicity was clueless as to whether or not he was intentionally jesting or if he really was uncomfortable with any other stance, but the demonstration was hilarious.
When he was as comfortable as he could be, he stared at her for some time before asking, "As I was saying, what brings you to my office so late?"
She shifted her weight from foot to foot. "I'd like to reconsider your offer."
No discernible emotion played out in his features that she could tell. Kat-tah remained as blank as ever, and stayed quiet for so long, Felicity began to think it was his way of rejecting her change of mind. Finally he spoke, and he did so with a certain wariness rather than elation, but what should she expect from a Vulcan. "May I inquire as to why you altered your decision?"
Rather than getting into her whole life of issues, she decided to be brief and honest. "There's something about you that...pisses me off so much, but every time I've been around you, I always smile, which I figured has to count for something."
"It certainly does. Are you certain you are ready for another relationship? I could allow you a more proper amount of grievance time."
"I think there's been enough grieving on my part." she said with a heavy sigh.
Kat-tah took the several steps necessary to be situated right in front of her. His eyes were apathetic as normal, but his demeanor was almost as dubious as her's. Wanting to clasp his hands behind his back, he fought the urge and remained standing, hands at his sides. "When do you wish to begin our courtship?"
"As soon as possible." Felicity wanted to smile but fought the urge. She felt like she was conducting a business transaction.
"Oh." He nodded casually.
Since their union started on an unorthodox turn of events, Kat-tah was not sure what protocol would be sufficient for the current interaction. It was Felicity though who made the first step toward him. She leaned against him and rested her head on his chest. She couldn't hear his heart though, her ear was in the wrong spot. A light, small smile appeared on her face while thinking of their silly differences.
Kat-tah actually relaxed at the point of contact, and his left hand gently grasped her shoulder while the other remained at his side.
Felicity was grateful the contact was not overwhelming. Tremulous feelings inside her still considered what she was doing an act of mutiny against Spock, but he gone, and she wanted to be happy. Tilting her head up, she looked in the brown depths of his eyes.
"Do you wish to further our tactile interaction?" he asked with a lifted brow.
Hesitating, her eyes looked down with uncertainty. His question was very ambiguous, and she wasn't certain to exactly what or what extent he was referring. Looking back up, she replied quietly. "Possibly."
Another came up and wrapped lightly around her lower back. Felicity chuckled lightly in his chest. Silly her for ever thinking a Vulcan would take advantage of others' emotions. "More," she urged playfully.
He looked down at her warily. "How?" The word was spoken slowly.
Biting her lip to keep from laughing, she suddenly turned shy with her answer. "A kiss." Quickly averting her eyes from his, she snuggled harder into his chest mildly embarrassed. His calm confidence was so great, it threw her off her game. She was used to someone more...inexperienced.
Kat-tah hesitated. It was an act humans relied on greatly, but Vulcans had little use for such things. He would have to learn many new ways of interaction if he wanted to properly court Felicity to be certain, but he doubted there would be much he would find displeasing. Especially a kiss. Inefficient, yet the idea of it was terribly curious, and he had every intention to do as she requested.
Bending his head low, he found an unstoppable urge to close his eyes to gain a better understanding of the sensations and biological reactions.
His lips were cool and unsure, something she was not accustom to for some time, and his right hand reached out to her's running the middle and index fingers over her soft skin. She could feel his relief through the bond being created by their physical contact.
It was extraordinary! His pulse quickened, a rush of dopamine and endorphins were released into his bloodstream, and he felt a relaxing form of contentment. Kissing was certainly something he would like to do on a regular basis.
The hormones in her body which had not been satisfied for the past six months urged her further. They had been satisfied but not by another; not wholly. Asking Kat-tah to come to her room seemed like the most absurd thing in the world. A part of her still protested to stay celibate, and what if he declined? What if he thought she was too easy? She wondered how their relationship would be like after.
But she had to ask it, to take advantage of the opportunity. Pulling away gently, Felicity's voice was low when she spoke. "Would you like to come to my quarters for some coffee?"
He was confused by the rapid change of topic, and it took a few minutes of mental composure to answer. "I do not drink coffee."
Felicity almost melted in the spot and wished to offer him anything he wanted but couldn't find words or even sounds to convey her intentions.
Kat-tah of course knew to what she was referring. He's been around enough nurses and their gossip to know what "coffee" meant, but he wasn't sure if it was the most appropriate decision for them. The prospect was certainly alluring, but perhaps Felicity's hormones were the main cause for the request. He did not want to have a fickle relationship with her. Resting his forehead against her's, his baritone voice was gentle as he said, "Maybe we should wait. Only a few days ago you were stating your reluctance to begin another romantic courtship."
There was just something about a proper Vulcan gentleman trying to do the right thing that made her go crazy. She was practically clawing at his doctor's uniform. "Ugh! I don't want to wait."
"This decision is most likely being based on your hormones, Felicity. Tomorrow you may feel much less inclined to engage in...coitus." She vigorously shook her head in response. Closing his eyes to not have her image distracting his logic and reason for such a delicate situation, Kat-tah thought deeply before asking, "Are there matters of great importance you will have to tend to tomorrow? Any investigations I have been unaware of?"
Thrown by his change of subject, Felicity snorted in a very unlady-like fashion. "No, why?"
The older Vulcan's face was calm with care and contentment as he answered. "Because you are going be kept awake for a considerable length of time."
Spock sent 32 messages to Felicity over the past six months. Most were generic and conveyed an emotionless tone, but there were a handful he knew still sounded frenzied; begging for a response. The most recent message was an insistent urging for acknowledgment to confirm she was safe and in good health. Naturally, he earned nothing in return.
He was confident she would contact him in due time; it was one of her conditions when they parted, but not having the opportunity to speak with her proved more difficult and unbearable to handle than expected.
He sighed deeply while alone in the turbolift taking him to engineering. There was work to do, but he couldn't help think of Felicity being in trouble or miserable. He most certainly would feel such strong emotions; hopefully. The bond may have been broken by their permanent separation. The idea of not even sharing a miniscule emotional tie with Felicity sent him into a calmly masked panic. Without the possibility of sharing emotions, severed the last connection he thought they still had. He was without communication or empathy.
He wanted to go back to his quarters and go to sleep.
Besides the necessary tasks for his job and even the less urgent but overachieving tasks, Spock sat in his quarters at his desk, in the small chair, on the edge of his bed wanting to take back the decision he made; knowing full well that once they returned to a typical relationship equilibrium, he would again feel the incompatibility. Or maybe he imagined they were not compatible. Maybe it was his own inconsistency that caused his decision. He groaned inwardly at the wild thoughts flying around his mind.
Making his way to engineering, Spock reviewed the requirements for the ship's propulsion through organic space. In no way was he an engineer, but being a master of physics allowed him knowledge of practically everything in the universe.
He passed by a few officers dressed in their deep red uniforms and considered chatting them up. While being back on the ship, he hardly made any new friends...he had not made any new friends. For the sake of numbers, Nyota was still considered his friend, there was Jim with whom he had a very interesting friendship considering their irrefutable differences on the previous mission, there was the doctor who he disagreed with at every occasion possible, and he even made decent acquaintances out of the pilot and tactical officers. The chief engineer was an uncertain factor in the equation of friendship for Spock. He spent far too much time in the ship's internal structure to ever have a lengthy and in depth conversation.
The lack of a cat was what he missed most, besides the obvious. Not having little Othello around to nuzzle Spock and cry for his food dish was a great loss. Aside from getting underfoot while the Vulcan was walking around and tripping him, and how loud he cried when he was displeased, he was the most enjoyable and amiable company. The animal did not require much and always loved him at the end of the day regardless of if his father came home late or not. During those times, he would pout a decent amount though.
Instead of speaking to any of the people working on the surrounding deck, Spock decided to possibly find another feline. Letting Felicity take Othello had been a mistake. He by all means would be a good companion for her, but thinking he wouldn't have time for a pet had been a large fallacy in judgment.
This thought led back to the prospect of any other fallacies in judgment he may have had then.
He noticed Nyota was there, still in her uniform, standing very close to the new chief engineer. It irritated him for some unknown reason. Any agitation he felt for Nyota couldn't be placed with the human emotions he was acquainted with. The closest he came was classifying it as a type of jealousy for her having a mate whereas he did not, but beyond that one possible explanation, he could not understand what his human side was trying to express.
While still not comfortable with blatant displays of emotion, or any displays really, Spock was much more inclined to stop and consider the emotions he felt rather than disregarding them as being bothersome. It was another change he had difficulty explaining, but he had a much better idea of why. Without the company of his mother, even simply by visual communication on his computer, he wanted to savor any aspect of her that remained, which included his own human heritage. Forsaking his feelings was almost seemed like an insult to her memory, and so he savored every miniscule emotion, even as small or painful they may be, in an attempt to be closer to his mother.
Stepping back into reality, he continued walking toward the red-garbed couple. Nyota was first to notice his arrival. The brilliant smile on her face fell, and she watched him with uncertainty. Montgomery on the other hand turned around and greeted the Vulcan warmly.
"Hello Commander. What brings you to engineering?" The Scotsman gestured to his domain of physics and machinery.
Without acknowledging Nyota, Spock delve right into his purpose. "I have come to accompany you for the routine inspection of the ship's propulsion. We have to check the thrusters along with the impact on the engines and engine capacity."
"Trust me, Commander, there is no need to worry. This whole ship is in perfect condition. I check all the components on a regular basis." There were many more important tasks Mr. Scott had at hand than reviewing the thrusters. He checked on the only two days ago.
"I am not worried, but it is my job to assist and observe this inspection." Protocol could not be swayed.
"As you wish, but it'll not be anything to write home about." Montgomery strode off to get his beloved tools.
"Nor can I any longer 'write home'." Spock called quietly after him. The feisty engineer was out of range to hear the comment, but Nyota remained, and her heart softened by how deflated he looked.
"How are you, Spock?" she asked, leaning against one of the large computers.
There was no desire in him to have a conversation with her at all, but curtsey require him to respond. "Acceptable."
Without any bother for pretense, she was open to her and Spock having a platonic relationship again. "We can still be friends, you know."
"You have stated so many times throughout knowing you, and yet we always encounter some instance where you profess to have lingering affections for me." His reluctance was merited considering the data he acquired over the previous experiments of interaction with her.
"Not any more. I tell you practically every time we see each other. Besides, we need to have a friendly relationship while working so closely for the next few years."
Friendly was hardly anything he wanted to be with the woman who created much turmoil in his previous relationship. "We need to have a professional relationship, but I suppose you are correct."
"Good. A couple girls and I are going to play cards in rec. room six later on. Do you want to join us?"
"Not particularly." he answered completely unenthused and lacking any desire to mask his disinterest.
Moving away from the terminal she had been leaning against, Nyota took four steps toward her former interest. "Come on, Spock. Have you done any socializing since you've been on this ship? You'll have to get over Felicity Windsor some day."
"Continuously harboring feelings for Ms. Windsor and conducting social interaction are two unrelated topics. While there may be a correlation, there is no reasoning you have to think it is the causation of my actions."
"So you still want to be with her then." It wasn't a question.
"I did not say that." he protested.
All men were the same. Easy to understand and easy to read between their not so subtle subtext. "It was pretty much implied."
Montgomery returned to the two with tools in hand longing to be working on his ship. Nyota was a pleasant girl, but she hindered the progress of his real romance for the Enterprise. "Ready, Commander." he said with a nod.
Before leaving with Montgomery, Spock barely stuck up his nose at Nyota and said, "It was not implied, nor is it any of your business." He turned around and walked away with his back ramrod straight. The confused engineer followed.
Behind them, Nyota smiled. It would certainly take some time, but she hope they would eventually be back to an acceptable social equilibrium. She did miss talking with him, but he needed time. Shaking her head, she left for the nearest turbolift, wanting to shower before playing cards.
Damned women! They always know too much. Even without a man outright saying something, they always know. Everything. His mother. Felicity. Oona. Nyota even knew far too much, and he was a Vulcan for crying out loud. Most people, especially his students complained about him being unreadable. Those students were either lying or horribly unintelligent and unperceptive, because the observed, general consensus was that he was an open book, easily accessible and simple to read.
If Spock were any less Vulcan, he would have grumbled the whole walk to the thrusters with Montgomery. He did, in his mind he grumbled, but he would have been much more vocal, even complaining and trying to win empathy from the engineer, but their walk was silent, and he seethed internally.
"What are you wantin' to inspect, Commander?" the Scotsman asked as they walked further into the ship.
"We have to examine both the primary and auxiliary thrusters. It is required we check all the mechanic of the primary thrusters gas-fusion reaction chamber. The quality of deuterium must be checked as well to confirm maximum efficiency. The microfusion chamber of the auxiliary thrusters must be reviewed as well."
"I make sure all parts of the ship are in prime condition nearly every day."
The engineer's reluctance was incomprehensible, and Spock found it difficult to understand why he could not simply acquiesce to protocol requirements. "Yes, but not in my presence."
Montgomery shoulders sagged Never would he allow the ship to be wanting for anything, and Starfleet's protocols only got in the way of his work for the day.
Spock worked with the chief engineer for the better part of three hours. Three hours and forty seven minutes to be exact. There was little banal chitchat between them as they worked, save for one conversation deep in the underbelly of the ship which was started surprisingly enough by the the Vulcan.
"Mr. Scott, may I inquire as to the nature of your relationship to Lieutenant Uhura?" He did not look at Montgomery as he posed the question either.
The sudden sound of something other than the low beeping of gauges and tools upon metal took the engineer off guard. "I suppose. What is it you're wantin' to know?"
The Vulcan decided to press his luck. "Are you engaged romantically?"
Smiling to himself, Montgomery teased the first officer instead of answering him. "Now, Mr. Spock. I never considered you to be an advocate for gossip."
"I am not. It was my understanding that being around a person for a great period of time required a social protocol to make small talk."
"But you got right to the point, didn't you, if you don't mind me pointing out."
"Yes." Spock agreed reluctantly. "Unfortunately I do believe you are correct."
"Ms. Uhura and I share some common interests and like spending time together, but I doubt it will lead to much. Why? Are you wanting to get together with her?"
"Mr. Scott, we are hardly gossiping housewives. Thank you for answering my question though." He nodded his gratitude for the information and went back to work.
Montgomery on the other hand wasn't finished with their conversation. "But no one is anywhere close to here, Commander. If no one is around to hear a grown man gossip, does he still do it?"
"People witnessing an event has nothing to do with the probability of the event occurring." Spock's logic remained at the forefront of his thoughts at all times.
"Would you still have this conversation with me if we were surrounded by other, young and eager engineers wanting to find out anything to talk about?"
Even without the keen ability to calculate equations within milliseconds, the engineer had a great sense of wisdom, Spock appreciated very much, even if it meant his previous statement was rendered mute. "I believe you are correct again, Mr. Scott. No, I do not wish to be her suitor, but it was a possibility at one time."
"Are you asking me to keep my distance from her?" the Scotsman asked out of curiosity rather than taking a defensive stance.
"Certainly not. I would rather you take her attention away from me."
"It's been my understanding you were with a woman before coming back on the ship. Did it not work out with her?"
Spock was silent for some time before answering. Certainly the news must be widespread over the ship if this engineer were to know. He was friends with the captain though, and the topic could have come up in conversation. Not that his circumstances were an appropriate thing for other people to speak about. He wondered how many people knew about his failed courtship with Felicity. "My position as first officer is much more important than continuing a romantic relationship. I need to focus on my career for some time before focusing on creating a family, even if it would be more appropriate for the rebuilding of my species."
"You have to do what is right for you, Mr. Spock.
"Yes. Yes, indeed." And with that, the two men continued their work silently and diligently.
Returning back to the civilization of the ship, Spock documented all the necessary notes for his progress in examining the ship's thrusters and fuel. Montgomery wiped the grime off his hands and gathered his tools to go on his way.
As the chief engineer started walking away, Spock called out to him. "Thank you for the conversation, Mr. Scott."
"My pleasure, Commander. My pleasure." The Scotsman pantomimed tipping a hat to his new comrade and strode off to take care of the rest of his ship.
Spock felt calm and relaxed after his synergy with Montgomery. The fact the man knew about more intimate details of his life was unnerving, but he was gracious enough to not delve for information. The curtsey was appreciated along with the gentle encouragement. Spock decided he greatly liked the chief engineer. He was much more bearable than the emotionally reckless doctor. Not being a nurse was a great relief. Having to be around McCoy on a regular basis besides instances on the bridge together would be very taxing.
About to step back onto the bridge, Spock almost, literally ran into the captain. Instead of walking around each other, Jim stopped his first officer. "How are you doing, Spock?"
"My work has been superior as always, Captain. I finished inspecting the thrusters with Mr. Scott, and I have found adequate time to practice my lute as well as observe the efforts of the few remaining Vulcans to rebuild our society."
"You know what I mean! Are you alright without Felicity? You don't talk about her at all. I mean, not once while you've been back on this ship."
Even after feeling much more calm about his life, Spock became riled up again by the antagonizing questions about Felicity and his lingering attachment to her. He remained overtly placid though. "Am I supposed to?"
"Not necessarily, but I wanted to make sure you're coping alright, since you don't really have anyone to talk to about it."
"Captain, I do not require anyone to listen to my complaints or to confide in. I am not human, remember?"
"How could I ever forget?" Jim groaned at his reluctance to acknowledge any human emotion.
"If there is nothing else you wish to speak with me about, I was intending to return to my duties."
"Actually there is." Jim folded his arms across his chest and gave Spock his best patronizing look. "Starfleet has informed me to command you to sickbay for your annual physical." A small, mischievous smile appeared along his face as well. "Apparently you have ignored the previous seven reminders."
"Captain, I hardly think it is necessary for me to-"
"Those are the rules, Spock. I don't make them. Now go." and he shooed the distinguished Vulcan away like a simple child.
Spock never bothered to enter sickbay. Any issues were quickly resolved by the ship's chief medical officer, who, for the most part, was usually loitering around Jim or on the bridge. When the doctor was in the medical wing, he was busy as hell.
He mused to himself, this was how Mr. Scott must have felt, knowing full well the ship was in prime condition but having to follow orders. How peculiarly similar their days had been.
Walking into sickbay, he found an assortment of medical personnel walking around busily. Not sure where exactly to go, he remained near the doorway until someone noticed him.
And naturally the one who always knew everything going on in his domain sensed a disturbance in the medical wing. Leonard was first to spot Spock standing reluctantly by quietly, even when he was originally in another room. "Well, well. About time you finally decided to listen to all those reminders from headquarters. I was beginning to wonder if I'd have to come find you in your quarters one evening."
"There is no need to threat me, doctor. I am here and wish to return to the bridge as soon as possible."
"Fine with me, but I'm currently busy at the moment. I'll have to get someone else to do your physical. Come sit on this table over here."
"Actually I would much rather prefer you-"
"You're not the only one who has things to do, Spock. No need to be nervous."
Spock quite heatedly wanted to argue that he was not nervous and should require the doctor's assistance as first officer, but Leonard was too quick and walked right away as the words left his mouth.
Sitting on the cushioned table made him feel like an infant waiting for vaccines. The undignified image of him crying from a shot and wanting a sucker in the aftermath made him even more disgruntled. His day started out very promising. He missed Felicity as usual, but then had a calming talk with Mr. Scott and worked with hands-on equipment rather than the typical equations. It all started to founder when he met with the captain, to his misfortune.
A woman in blue walked up to him with a medical tricorder in hand. He presumed she was one of the nurses due to her medical badge and apparent knowledge of the medical instruments. "Hello. How are you?" she asked in a genial voice.
"Well. I am here to have my annual physical."
The nurse looked the Vulcan up and down truly appreciating the fabulous physique. Who wouldn't? Spock was considered handsome even to human woman who appreciated a more expressive male, but it was his eyes that took her off guard. They were deep and meaningful; full of soul. She smiled at him and in a playful tone said, "That's what Dr. McCoy said. I see it's been well over a year since you had your last one. Is there a reason you've waited so long?"
"It is unnecessary." he answered flatly.
"Oh. I see. One of those types." She couldn't help but try and instigate the stoic Vulcan patient.
Though he wanted to finish the business and leave immediately, his own detestable curiosity imposed. "What types?"
"The types who think you shouldn't bother to be checked, since you don't feel anything wrong with you. I bet you try to stay away from sickbay even if your feeling unwell."
"If I am afflicted with a condition requiring medical attention, it would not be logical for me to neglect medical assistance." Spock disagreed.
His forlorn attitude prevented her from making anymore quick remarks, and she decided to do her job without interrupting his day further, even though she wouldn't mind if he stayed for a while. "Alright. Could you stand for me, please?" He stood, and the woman began to scan the core part of his body, spending a significant amount of time around his chest and lower abdomen; where his vital organs were located.
During this, he had time to appraise the small woman in front of him without her watchful eye. She was blonde and thin. Her eyes sparkled with pleasantness as she concentrated on the tricorder in her delicate hands. Her nails were manicured nicely and without any applied color. He supposed it was practical for any potential surgeries. Spock then wondered to himself how many women's hands he noticed during encounters. Why was he concerned with her nails? When he started the first conversation with Felicity, his topic had been her fingernail color. Was there possibly any correlation?
Before he could consider the matter further, she interrupted his thoughts. "You appear to be in top, physical condition." The smile on her face glittered.
"I am aware." he answered tersely, still upset he was forced to be subject to something so inefficient.
After entering the information into the ship's medical database, the young nurse couldn't help but tease him a bit more before he left. "You're all set then. I'll see you back here in one year. Don't put it off next time."
Her only response was one terse nod as the Vulcan man began to leave. It was a pity, really.
Wanting to return to his duties was momentarily forgotten as Spock thought about the woman he just encountered. Her disposition was interesting, yet certainly not unique. He wondered why she intrigued him so. Instead of leaving, like he should, he turned spoke to her before she walked far enough away to discourage his actions. "What is your name?"
The woman smiled up at him again, still loving the dark brown depths of his expressive eyes. She's never seen something so intriguing and lovely. Her heart fluttered quickly as she answered, "Christine Chapel."
Fin.
PLEASE let me know your overall opinion! Your feedback will only help me improve.
Spock should have always ended up with Christine.
Also, thank you everyone who has reviewed, if only once. For those of you who were fairly regular, I understand you got a ton of review replies, all of which being long and delusional, especially if it was late at night. You know who you are and are thinking about those messages at this very second! I hope it was worth staying around for and that you all are not too displeased with me! They end up relatively happy...just not with each other.
One of the reasons why things are obnoxiously repetitive in this story is that I wanted to portray and show in a literary way how similar Felicity and Spock were in both lives and circumstances. While there are times I yern for newer and better ideas, I'm not so lost as to that the only way a person can acquire an object is by a gift from an admirer and so on.
