Xanxus' Adventures in Parenthood Piracy by InsaneScriptist
Beta'd by the daring Umei no Mai
Summary: Xanxus could only blame the damn scientists for stranding him in an alternate dimension. However Xanxus could only blame himself for allowing that woman to foist her child onto him. Drabble fic.
Broach
After finishing his plate of food he initiated his plan to convince the Squalette into speaking for him at the after auction party. If he had to do all the small talk and polite chatting, Xanxus would kill someone.
"Sam, how would you like to do me a favor." Xanxus drawled. He was rewarded with a raised eyebrow and suspicious looks from all three siblings. Their father was keeping a neutral face. "It'll be profitable for you too."
Like almost magic, the Squalette was willing to hear him out. Really far too much like Mammon in all the most annoying ways, and easily manipulated as a result. Thankfully she wasn't as bad as Mammon as she hadn't started charging people for everything but that could change over time. He was not going to give her such an idea either.
"How so?"
"Do you know how auctions work?"
Secretary
Xanxus knew there were differences between Squalo and the Squalette, beyond the obvious superficial ones of gender and age. If Squalette was nearly as good at cons and able to keep up on the market news as she appeared to be, then she had to know how to haggle, flatter, wheel and deal. In short, how to be diplomatic enough to politely part people from their money. This was not and had never been Squalo's strong point. Squalo's best points had always been his assassination talents, his sword-skills and resourcefulness. The resourcefulness was helpful in Varia-style diplomacy and in other areas; the damn shark was almost cockroach-like in his ability to not die from nearly anything.
This however did not mean that she knew how to act in the situation he was going to put her in. Some things did cross dimensions; he had not spent his entire time in Loguetown building guns, doing laundry, infiltrating the Marines and such. He had learned how to blend in the upper crust here, not that it was particularly hard after all the time the Vongola tutors had spent teaching him manners for all that he usually avoided using them. Xanxus found dealing with people and later assassins bluntly gave him an edge since there was no pussy-footing around and no room for misinterpretation. Creative misinterpretation of orders from assassins was pure idiocy.
So since he was going to have Squalette -yes, that was the name she was going by as it amused him- be effectively his secretary, CEO and right-hand. Squalette's story was that she was an undersecretary for another, older, secretary who took ill at the last moment. Squalette was also working for a small but old company -it took very little work to buy a small little company in South Blue, rename it and claim it as an older family business. Distant relation that bought it out and all that, which happened often enough to be plausible.
The world here was more than a little slow about white-collar crime and scamming. It was one of the Mafia's favored bread-and-butter businesses which distinguished higher-class families from the low-class trash that had to peddle weapons or worse. Dino was an absolute genius in that he turned the heavily embezzled Cavallone into the power-house it was today and that his Family was not made up only of not only swindlers; some of them were more than half-decent elsewhere outside of the office. Dino then slowly built it into a huge, efficient powerhouse made of mostly legal businesses. If Bucking Horse kept it up, he'd soon own more land and businesses than some, larger countries had. Xanxus didn't know details but Dino's net income was larger than some country's national budget and it wasn't one of those non-industrialized countries either.
Squalo had informed him that Reborn had taught Dino not only how to fight and lead but how to swindle swindlers. Xanxus didn't understand Dino and Squalo's friendship, but it did mean that Xanxus had learned about a number of scams and how to scam swindlers since he let Squalo explain it all; being business savvy was an unsaid requirement for being Decimo so Xanxus was, but that didn't mean you couldn't always learn more about business.
So, Xanxus planned to take advantage of this world.
Acting
Teaching Squalette how to act in such situations was both easy and difficult; some things Squalette already knew how to do, use and incorporate. Others required explanations, some of which were not native customs that Xanxus was personally familiar with in any sort of business culture. Those were some of this dimension's business cultures and while he had learned about them that didn't mean they made sense to him. Most of them he chalked up to a divergence of cultures despite these aliens sharing all the elements of a human condition or something like that.
Still he had to teach her, which was frustrating for all that she was an ideal student and only needed to be told once. Teaching involved talking and Xanxus never particularly enjoyed conversing; teaching was something Xanxus loathed having to do even on a good day, for all that if he toned it down -like he was doing- he was very good at it. The Mafia had some of the best teachers around because the faster you learn the later you die.
If he wasn't being restrained it could still be teaching in a broadly Mafia sense so long as teaching could be redefined as torture-based incentive learning. It obviously could be, as that was how Reborn taught, even if Reborn enjoyed cooking up crazy schemes and wearing strange costumes. Reborn just had to turn wimps into good bosses so he could do all that. Most of those that Xanxus ever had the misfortune to teach were already on the way to being of Varia Quality who had the price of death and disgrace for failure; Varia Quality missions were often lethal for the smallest of failures. So allowing the slightest bit of failure meant Xanxus didn't have to be too restrained while 'teaching.' They just had to survive and learn.
He had cracks in her mask to smooth, tells to remove or redirect and other issues to sort out. Correct cutlery to use, how to use it, correcting phrasing of words, how not just to act as but to be a different person. Both Melrose and Cordelia stayed to watch the intense tutoring session in action; clearly Squalette had her siblings well trained when it came to opportunities. The knowledge could always do them good.
Barret however had only chuckled and looked smug; he was clearly amused at Xanxus' plot. That Barret could put the clues together said he was smarter than Iemitsu after all; Iemitsu didn't catch on to several moles and plots during his time as the leader of the CEDEF. Basil on the other hand did notice something suspicious, investigated and then hired the Varia to eliminate the traitors. Basil might be an unassuming pretty-boy but fucking-Iemitsu had managed to find an understudy that had a brain and sense. Xanxus considered that to be Lal's influence; the lady had a brain and sense but patience and tact she did not, which was why she wasn't the boss of CEDEF; a less diplomatic Rain, Xanxus had never seen.
Still, acting was only part of the issue. Tomorrow was when Xanxus would take care of a few props.
Props
The highlight of Xanxus' morning was tossing Squalette to the okama tailor. The orders to make her look respectable and older was something that were easily done, especially with the right haircut. Long hair however could be useful, very useful.
"Oh, and don't cut the hair." It was his only condition, which made the tailor's eyes light up in a disturbingly Lussuria-like manner. Squalette looked murderous at him; he couldn't torture the Squalette like he could Squalo but that didn't mean it wasn't possible. Different 'tortures' for different sharks.
Sharp
He broke into his hotel room, drained the aura signature from the feather with another quick flash of Sky Flames and configured his own into his Warrant Officer persona. Xanxus was growing fond of the persona because it was useful and earning him money.
Wearing his faux-glasses and a smirk of superiority did wonders for his mood too as when done just right it could drive people to violence; Sanshou was a perfectionist and an arrogant hard-ass but that didn't mean it wasn't a well-earned arrogance either. His mood still hadn't recovered from his last chat with Rosso, but it was gradually improving.
Simple shooting and winning prize money at the same time also helped. There was nothing in the regulations about not having your own personal weapon, so his Belladonna was clearly superior to the mass produced Marine rifles, so Belladonna was allowed, much to their annoyance.
That people hadn't connected Sanshou the Marine and Sansei the Gunsmith was mostly due the fact that they appeared to be completely different people with only little tweaks. Glasses, a hidden burn scar, fiddling with his hair and a uniform was enough to fool casual observers. People noticed more than they thought they did when looking at people; body language was the most important but other more sensitive people could pick up on the aura, intentions of a person and the like. Simple acting in the Mafia didn't work; you had to be that person or be dead. This worked to fool the more observant and suspicious people despite how hard it could be. Xanxus was used to acting out various roles for his subordinates, so this was actually easy.
Meeting Garp, after winning the sharp shooting contest with Belladonna was not what he wanted to do.
