Top Gear X
Author's note: In my work (Snowflake on ice) I wrote a section involving brain trauma that included a discussion with Hammond (as he actually had such an injury from one of his crashes and yes I've read his book about I as I do own almost all of the books written by the automotive trio.). In Snowflake on Ice Hammond (Chapter 6) briefly mentions a problem to Emma that Illyana solved for his family before going on to the main topic of brain trauma. I rather maintain Illyana also had such and (undiagnosed according to my writing).
This epilog is about that problem and how it was solved (which I originally wrote almost a year and a half ago). Oh, and if Illyana appears "nice", remember she has been invited over for dinner (something that really never happens to her) and she is trying to be a polite guest. I've taken some liberties with the age of the Hammond's children (they would be older time wise as I've placed this story at the end of the Top Gear Timeline).
Epilog part A: Supper
"That was delicious." Illyana pushed away a now empty plate (after having a second helping).
Mindy Hammond (Richard's wife) looked quite pleased with how the supper had gone. "I was going to do a roast but Richard said that you liked shepherd's pie so I'm glad you enjoyed it." Mindy was an attractive small thin woman, shorter then Richard, with dark brown blonde hair.
Illyana patted her belly in contentment. "The lamb is really flavorful. I don't get the chance very often to have lamb."
"Direct from our farm." Commented Richard as to the origin of the lamb.
"Do you cook much?" Mindy asked of Illyana.
Illyana frowned slightly and her expression became neutral'ish and somewhat distant as if she needed to think about the question. "Um... not really. H… my cooking skills are kind of stuck at my teenage set of skills. I make a mean grilled cheese sandwich and can microwave with the best but cooking like this I've almost never done."
"Can we please be excused?" The Hammond girls asked in harmony (Izzy and Willow). Izzy is four and Willow is six years of age.
"Yes you may." Richard replied. "Go play in the family room. We have a bit of adult talk to do. Dessert will be later."
"Yeah!"The young girls cried out at the idea of dessert as they ran off.
Hammond turned to Illyana. "Thanks for coming Yana. It really means a lot to Mindy and me. I hope it wasn't too much of a bother."
"No bother at all." Illyana replied as she watched the girls run off. "I just port'd here directly based on your directions." The front door in fact. She had been mildly amused by the two lions that flanked the front door as both lions were carved with the somewhat smirking self satisfied face of Richard.
"Handy talent that." Richard replied with a grin. "Must be great for avoiding all the queues and such, not to mention the flying time. Would have been nice to know about it during the road trip but Clarkson kept that little fact a secret the right prat."
Illyana was still looking in the direction of the departed children. "Yes... it has its uses." She looked… uncertain. Like the reality of happy small children was not something she understood very she turned to face Hammond and Mindy. "Thanks again for supper. It's been so long I don't actually recall the last time I ate at somebody's house."
"You're most welcome. It's our pleasure to have you over." Mindy replied.
Life can be very strange thought Illyana. But a few days ago she had been having a relaxing time slaughtering her way across the cosmos on an inter-dimensional road trip on a Top Gear special, well mostly with Clarkson, the fact that it was a show had been but an afterthought for her. And now she was eating supper in a normal couple's farm house. They were celebrities (well Richard was) but that made them very normal compared to the circles Illyana associated with. Supper had been quite active, with much talking amongst the Hammonds; there had been questions of Illyana, but she expertly redirected the conversation back to the Hammond children, who had no lack of bubbly things to say about their day, the farm they lived on, and some funny things that the animals had done.
Richard had told a funny story about how Clarkson become the official offender of the realms Brittan, insulter of all peoples, and speaker of rude things; a title formally held by the Queen's husband for many years before age forced him to pass on the title to a worthy successor. Richard also claimed that at the award crematory he had been inducted into the order of the righteous rodent, third class to the giggles of his children. Suffice it to say, if you knew Clarkson, that the idea of him being the official British insulter of peoples makes a great deal of sense.
Illyana found that normal was... nice. Very nice. Due to all that had happened to Illyana, she really didn't know what normal was anymore, but this was…
Nice.
BEGIN RECOLLECTION
At the shooting wrap party (which had to be moved on account of all the flaming debris, the slain, and a brief zombie incursion that was at first mistaken for caterers) Hammond had asked if it was possible if Yana might come over to his house and meet his family and take a quick look at a problem they were having, apparently a magical problem. Hercules can be seen in the background, unsurprisingly boasting about something, while having several the Valkyries looked on breathlessly.
Hammond was rather embarrassed about his question of Yana. "Feels like I'm asking a Doctor at a party about an ache or something, but I don't really know anybody to ask about this."
"What problem?" Illyana had inquired.
"Well..." Hammond gave an embarrassed grin. "Ordinarily most folks would think I'd had a few too many pints but... It's like this, I think my neighborhood has a fairy problem." Hammond cringed as if expecting her to laugh.
"Really? In what way?" Illyana's tone was did not find the question odd or funny.
"Well, things going missing, or moved. Which I know sounds like it could be anything. Thought it was kids at first, but the things that have gone missing are really hard to go missing and some of the things that have been moved are quite heavy. It's not just me. All of my neighbors are having similar problems. Started bout three weeks ago but it appears to be getting worse. Gads I sound like a complete clod saying this out loud. I don't suppose you could pop by for dinner with me and mine and take a look about?"
Illyana was rather intrigued. Not so much by the problem, which sounded like some fairies getting a bit rowdy, but by the idea that somebody actually wanted to invite her to their home and have her meet their family; especially after all that had taken place on this road trip. "Well the Fay are rather bit loose with the concept of private property, especially if it's not theirs. Sure. I've never been to Wales."
"Great, that's great." Richard enthused. "Any preference for supper? My wife makes a lovely shepherd's pie. Oh… and my house is next to Wales, not actually in Wales. Jeremy just likes putting down Wales."
A slight grin from Illyana as she replied. "Sheppard's pie would be fine."
A brief discussion as to the location of Hammond family residence ensued. Hammond felt like a dolt once he realized that Illyana lived way on the other side of the pond, but was relieved to learn that Illyana could just pop in whenever she wanted due to her teleporting ability (an ability that promptly resulted in quite a bit of shouting at Clarkson by Richard and May as they had not known that little detail and apparently the big orangutan had).
END RECOLLECTION
The three adults moved into the kitchen. Mindy put an apple, pear, and raisin pie in the oven and the kettle on slow so as to make some tea when the pie was done. At the same time Hammond retrieved the white wine bottle from the dining room.
Kitchen small talk ensured as Illyana offered a complement about the house. "Very impressive Dojo."
Richard and the girls has give Illyana a brief tour of the house, including the Dojo which was above the large rear garage which contained several Land Rovers, a Ford Mustang, a Dodge Charger, two Jaguars, several other cars that Illyana had no idea about, and a collection of motorcycles. There was what appeared to be a very poorly concealed freight elevator going down (there was a bit of oil-stained carpet covering most of it) which was a bit odd. The girls had started chanting "Blast Lab! Blast Lab!" for some reason when she asked about it, while an embarrassed Richard had shushed the girls and rearranged the carpet.
Then they had taken her outside to briefly feed bread to some sheep (named vittles, tidbit, and chops) and a peacock that had showed up. The girls had a small bag of salty corn chips with cheddar and the sheep's eyes had rolled back in pleasure at eating the chips, whereas the peacock preferred bread.
"Thanks…" Answered Hammond. "Got into martial arts a few years back and just kind of made sense to add it to the house when we remodeled. Nice place to practice as well being that it's private."
Mindy added. "We use it for the girl's dance class as well. We have a small dance and Judo class for the girls and their friends."
Illyana took another sip of wine before commenting. "The photos of Jeremy are very amusing."
Said photos are on the wall of the Dojo. The first photo shows Jeremy in a red karate uniform embossed with a burning hammer emblem. He is doing a high kick in the direction of the camera, with the kicking foot being very prominent in the photo, likewise Clarkson's snarly vista. The second photo shows a broken camera on the ground next to Jeremy, likewise on the ground, clutching his now bleeding kicking foot. The third photo shows a giggling Izzy (wearing a light blue karate uniform) and Willow (wearing a light pink karate uniform) hitting the prostrate Clarkson with inflatable Star Wars light sabers.
"Jeremy claims he wears red to hide the blood of his foes." Laughed Hammond. "But May maintains it's to hide his own blood."
Mindy likewise laughs. "James was not very pleased with the lavender uniform you had made for him."
"Yes… quite funny." Commiserates Illyana as she recalled another photo on the Dojo wall, the automotive three poised in karate uniforms, Clarkson in red, Richard in black, and May in lavender (and scowling about it).
Mindy then raised a delicate point. "Are you and Jeremy now… an item?" Delicate in both the age difference and the fact that Mindy was friends with Clarkson's now ex wife.
"Gods no… that was… inadvertent. I… blame it on the road trip. I think… we found each other to be a convenient… distraction. We've already said our goodbyes back at the wrap party."
Okay… thought Mindy with some mild relief, possible social difficulties adverted.
Illyana decided to get down to business. "So just what has been occurring?"
Mindy and Richard exchanged glances, then Mindy went first. "Things started to go missing… Silverware, jewelry, alcohol, food… Why an entire pie vanished moments after I was done baking it."
Richard added. "Not just us, the neighbors also had similar problems. Then we started to find things moved about."
Mindy continued. "It kept getting worse, the horses started looking very tired and unkempt in the morning; like they'd been ridden all nigh and put away wet. Then… Then… yesterday… something tried to led Izzy away. I couldn't find her, she'd be right beside me and just vanished. We found her outside, she claimed she was chasing a butterfly, but… I saw a ball of light where she claimed the butterfly was."
"Defiantly sounds like the Fay." Observed Illyana. "And they appear to be getting more aggressive. If you want I could just attempt to summon them and… well… deal with them."
Epilog part B: Fay
"Might it be a ghost, and I know just how daft that sounds." Suggested Richard.
"Possible, but I still suspect the Fay." Was Illyana's answer. Of course the Pixie that was peaking at them from the top of a cupboard was an extra hint, but Illyana did not let on that she could see the invisible Fay. "I suggest… we make an offering of a cup of wine and some sweets, do you have a silver gob?"
The answer was a yes. Soon, there was a fine silver goblet holding some very nice red wine flanked by two silver trays, one containing sweets and candies, the other cookies and some coffee crumb cake. A nice presentation, accented by the delicious smell of the baking pie.
Richard and Mindy were behind Illyana as Illyana held up the wine glass while speaking. "We humbly beseech that the Fay parley with us. That we may converse and reach and understanding." And then put the glass down upon the table, crossed her hands at her waist, and waited with eyes downcast, likewise did Mindy and Richard. Why so polite? Well, it is best to be humble when addressing unknown Fay as the Fay can be quick to be offended. But why you likely are asking, was Illyana no being more direct? The answer as simple, no need to use a sword with a feather would do, plus… she liked being underestimated.
After many long minutes, a hand grasped the wine glass as a melodious male voice spoke. "You may gaze upon us."
They looked up. On the other side of the table was a splendid male elf lord with golden long hair, dressed in flowing pastel silks and a small silver crown in the shape of leaves upon his head. Flanking him were two warrior elf maidens, and around them were a host of creatures from Fairy. There were also leprechaun, pixies, sprites, nymphs, and other things less recognizable; toothy things, hairy things, things that looked like nightmares made flesh.
Tones of scorn from the elf. "I see that my thralls have brought a dark witch to intercede for them."
For Illyana it was as if suddenly everything froze and she had two figures on her shoulders. On her left shoulder was a little Mephisto sitting down while on her right shoulder was a standing Scott Summers in his X-Men uniform.
Mephisto was cackling in glee as he spoke. "Yana, Yana, Yana… that's what you get for suppressing what you are. A prancing prideful elf boy all full of himself when he should rightfully be cowering. I mean… what is the point of being a hell lord if you won't enjoy the bennies. Well… get with the chop chop and so we can have dessert, mmmm that pie smells positively divine."
Suppressing you ask oh reader? Illyana tended to suppress her aura, in part because the telepaths were always complaining about dark vibs (Illyana stop brooding so loudly!), and in part because it rather sucks to constantly having every random half rate magical practitioner either run screaming from her (Flee, the dark forces have arrived!), or attacking (Begone Foul Demon!). And again that tendency of Illyana to setup situations were she is underestimated as it made throwing fights easier.
Scott rebutted Mephisto. "Not all problems require violence. Illyana, we've talked about this before."
"Malarkey…" Smirked Mephisto. "I've never met a solution that couldn't be improved with a good stabbing."
A comment that annoyed Scott. "That makes absolutely no sense at all."
A wicked grin from Mephisto. "Makes complete sense to me. And Scott… that halo of yours has become very tarnished."
"Illyana…." Prompted miniature Scott ignoring Mephisto. "You can do better."
BEGIN FLASHBACK
Illyana was sitting outside of Scott and Emma's office as she waited to be summoned within for a progress review. Inside Henry (The Beast), Emma, and Scott were busy discussing Illyana. A discussion that Illyana was listening in on (magic does have its uses).
Hank summed up his conclusions. "Her responses to training situations and physiological scenarios sometimes have wildly inconsistent outcomes."
Emma added. "She follows directions from her team leads… mostly… in both real world situations, and training, but… left to her own devices, her decision tree choices leads me, and Henry, to a disturbing potential conclusion."
"Which is?" Prompted Scott.
Emma continued. "She doesn't appear to comprehend certain things anymore. Violence tends to be a default solution for her, even when diplomacy or negotiations are the better. This works fine when others are in change and she does as directed. Not so good when she disregards direction."
Henry then added. "In addition, her therapy testing shows a high repeatability index on similar situations, but throw her an ethical curve ball and we see that default solution with disturbing frequency. I'm not sure if it's impatience, or just a lack of empathy."
Emma observed that. "She continues to show a profound sense of detachment in most social situations, apart from situations involving young children; at least those scenarios are ethically consistent in a manor we wish."
Henry followed up on Emma's statement. "But that default solution again tends to frequently manifest in such scenarios. Emma and I recommend that we schedule a series of solo danger room scenarios that emphases that violent solutions are low scoring."
Scott nodded his head in agreement. "Agreed, I'll stress to Dani and Sam to keep their eye on her."
Emma offered a critique. "Dani is not exactly known for non violent solutions. Sam is the most stable."
Beast gave his assessment. "Dani is still very angry over M-Day and the loss of her mutant abilities. Combined with you kicking her out some time ago Emma, due to the loss of her abilities, has left her rather… angry."
"A mistake on my part, which I have acknowledged." Confessed Emma.
"Regardless…" Summed up Scot. "For now we keep her with Sam and Dani. Okay… let's call her in."
Beast rose and went to the office door to get Illyana so they could all discuss her training regime and to emphasize that not all problems needed to be solved with her sword and chopping things into quivery little bits.
END FLASHBACK
"Fine..." Mumble Illyana to herself. "I'll try it your way Scott."
Miniature Scott high fived Illyana's earlobe before firing an eyebeam at Mephisto, knocking him off of Illyana's shoulder. With that everything unfroze. Did that really just happen you might ask, meaning the dialog and actions from the miniature Mephisto and Scott? Naaaa, just call it an externalization of Illyana internal mental decision making process.
"How might we address you?" Inquired Illyana.
"My Lord suffices for now witch."
"What is it you desire my lord?" Was Illyana's mild reply. Mindy and Richard made no answer because they had agreed to let Illyana handle the diplomacy, plus they were rather shocked at what confronted them.
"The enjoyment of what is mine." Was his reply after a sip of wine. A reply that did not bode well.
"Yours my lord?"
"Mine… this land belonged to me in times of yore and I have returned to reclaim it."
"And the people within those boundaries?"
Laughter from various fairies as their lord replied. "Forfeit. The land, and what is upon the land is mine."
Illyana's reply sounded mild, but if you knew her, say… if you were a member of the New Mutants, then you currently would be trying to escape. "That is not very amendable or acceptable from one such as you my lord."
Illyana decided that the negotiations was not going well and she was concerned things were going disastrously wrong. And… she was tired of talking with this elf lord, after all the pie smelled done and he was delaying her dessert. " I will not let you have your way with these folk. There are two paths ahead of us my lord, the easy way or the hard way. We can reach an accommodation or have strife, the choice is yours."
The elf lord's eyes got even harsher, his expression even haughtier and his tone was one of utter distain and contempt. "As if we would parley with some trivial human witch stained by darkness. These lands are now ours. These people are now ours. ALL this is ours. To use, abuse, and debase as we will. You wish to pit your feeble abilities against the Fay? Ha I say."
Now he leered. "I shall enjoy riding you as hard as I have ridden my new horses. And... while I'm enjoying the amusements of your body, my compatriots shall similarly amuse themselves with this family."
As yet unnoticed, the air was suddenly growing cold. People always think that doorways to hell are hot, that heat escapes hell. Well… it doesn't. In reality, doorways to hells are cold. Heat only flows in one direction when a hell is involved, into that hell.
Oh… and upset hell lords are kind of gateways to hell.
A wind suddenly filled the kitchen flinging about the contents of the table about. "Come sorceress wench, dare you pit your feeble abilities against me and mine?" He harrumphed at the end of his little diatribe and was startled to see his breath fog up.
Illyana simply replied. "Easy way then" and in a flash of light she, and all of the Fay vanished.
Vanished to Limbo.
Epilog part C: Limbo (Welcome to the jungle, we got fun and games)
The Elf Lord instantly knew he'd made a mistake. Fay magic is woven into the fabric of life. They draw strength from the land, from the green as it were. But here. There was no life here. Just death.
The sky was cloudy, obscured, reddish, reflecting the red glow of the lava pool that lay below him. He and his companions were standing on a pillar of black basalt that stood in the center of a small volcanic caldera filled with lava. The witch was on the caldera rim facing him.
But to his horror she wasn't a witch, not any more. A tall yellow eyed blonde horned demon stood on the rim, her feet and lower legs no longer human but goat hooves. A red tail was flicking about behind her. The Fay have many long descriptions for entities of power (such as the Lord of mornings and the twilight, shifter of days, bringer of good fortune and bane of creatures dark). And some very short ones. Usually the shorter the more powerful or deadly. Suffice it to say that she had one of the short ones.
Hell lord.
Another of those frozen moments in time as the miniature Mephisto cackled in glee in front of her. "And yet again, Mephisto is shown to speak the one word of truth!"
Miniature Scott eye blasted Mephisto again, causing him to fall into the lave lava. "I never said violence was never an answer, just that it shouldn't be a default solution!"
Mephisto cried out as he hit and vanished. "You bastard!"
With that time unfroze again.
She said nothing. Just gestured with a hand and the edges of the pillar started to crumble into the lava lake which boiled each time a large chunk of rock fell into the lava.
Suffice it to say that it was time to make amends, as one they groveled as the Elf Lord spoke. "We were mistaken. For this we apologize."
Nothing.
Not a twitch from her.
The pillar was beginning to grow less wide as small fountains of lava burst up in ashy sprays each time a piece crumbled away.
"We did not know they were yours. We were in the wrong. We will leave them be. We will leave all of them be."
Nothing at all from her, not even a look of cold disdain. Just silent disregard.
"We offer amends. A service."
Finally a reaction from her. She casually spat upon the ground and ground it into the rock and ash with a hoof. Not… not a positive sign. Negotiations are not going well.
A third of the pillar had crumbled. Time to make promises.
"We will swear to never harm them. To leave and not return."
A promise not to harm is... flexible. And speaks nothing of future descendents. And return, well… we don't have be the ones that return. Such are the promises of the Fay to those who are in the know.
Nothing. Just that stare. Like she was watching something cook, or water boil. From her actions one might infer Illyana was one of those in the know.
"Forever… we swear it forever… we… we will abide."
Half the pillar was now gone and cracks were growing in the remaining rock.
"Please… what is it you wish for?"
No answer. Just the look. Like… they were less then nothing. Then half of the remaining pillar sheared off in slow motion and only the slowness allowed all of the Fay to make it to reduced pillar.
The collapse washed a wave of lava over the hell lord, which briefly gave the Fay hope… Hope that crumbled as she emerged from the burning lava unharmed, as if it had been but a spray of water.
"Please… we beg… we shall swear whatever you wish us to swear… We… we will let you alone judge if our word is kept… Please…"
Illyana considered their pleas, then…
Epilog part D: Hammond residence
Illyana returned in a flash light and a major dusting of volcanic ash (after first making sure that she was in human form). But moments had passed for the Hammonds whereas as she had spent… well… spent some time in Limbo.
"Finished." Was her announcement.
Mindy was being held be Richard. "They'll leave us alone?" And the neighbors as well?"
"Yes." Was Illyana's simple answer as she looked about the now very messy kitchen; ash, broken glass, bits of candy and cookies everywhere. "Apologies for… not taking more decisive action in the beginning. I thought that they were… not so stupid."
"They won't be back?" Asked Richard for extra clarification.
"No." Was Illyana's answer as she shook her head no for emphases. There was… call it a finality in how she said no.
"What was all the noise about Mummy?" Asked Izzy, peaking around the doorway to the kitchen.
The adult Hammonds exchanged glances, then Richard replied. "Bit of an accident, that's all."
"Is dessert ready?" Inquired Willow who also now peeked around the doorway.
"Not yet, it needs to cool." Answered Mindy who promptly took the pie out of the oven. "Your father and I need to clean up the kitchen… why don't you show Illyana your Barbie's."
"Want to play Barbie?" Asked Izzy of Illyana, holding up a blonde Barbie doll dressed as a horse rider.
"I… don't really know how." Was Illyana's answer after first thinking about it. "She… I… um… never… did that."
"It's easy!" Enthused Willow. "We'll teach you!"
With that the two children led a hesitant Illyana from the kitchen while the Hammonds starting cleaned up.
Author Comments: And that's that. I found Top Gear X to be a fun story to do. And an example of Illyana just not having to be plotting or planning, instead just being on a road trip and having fun; which is a rare event for her. Of course what Illyana finds fun is… of concern to many; heck let's be honest… everybody (except Harley from Batman, see Girl's night out II for details about that).
I hope you, the reader, enjoyed this story, and likely you have if you're reading this final chapter. I doubt I'll be revisiting Illyana and Top Gear, but there might be more Top Gear stories in the future. After all, I did accidently create MI-7 and made the trio secret agents... which allows for all kinds of potential future shenanigans in some other stories. Not to mention the indestructible and unremovable Top Gear bobble heads Illyana attached to the Batmobile dashboard.
