Chapter 29:
Pride.
Two days after putting the monster that hurt her down Jane and Maura decided to drive back to Boston. Jane knew that the DA had requested his extradition and she didn't want to hide. Even if she knew it would be excruciating, she wanted to face him in court and was determined not to let him control her life anymore.
As they were almost arrived in Boston Maura started to feel anxious. She was obviously proud that Jane felt strong enough to face that monster and to testify in court but she also knew how hard this was going to be for Jane.
She knew that testifying to a jury and to the DA would be completely different from talking to her or her therapist, that for Jane it would be as painful as talking about it for the first time. Even if Maura was still both physically and emotionally hurt by their sexual encounter she was determined to stay by her side hoping that this trial would be the last challenge they would have to face. Maura loved Jane with all her heart and all her soul and she understood Jane's desire to finally let go right after putting him down but she was still hurt and didn't know how much more pain she could take. She wanted Jane to heal and she knew she wouldn't be able to without her so she took it upon her to swallow her pride and her pain and stand by her as long as Jane needed, hoping that when this would be over their relationship wouldn't be too damaged.
"Can we please stop by the station first?I want to see the guys." Jane asked As they were approaching Jane's apartment.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I've been avoiding them for months. It's time."
"Okay."
So Maura drove past Jane's apartment and continued towards the station. After 4 months of avoiding seeing her partners Jane was finally ready to see them.
Maura knew Jane enough to know that what encouraged Jane to make such a decision was the fact that they had probably searched that monster's place and that she wanted to know everything about their findings.
As they were in the elevator holding hands Maura could feel Jane's hands shaking.
She knew that under her strong appearance Jane was scared to death. She was scared of the way her colleagues would look at her picturing everything that monster did to her. She knew how proud Jane was and couldn't stand being seeing as weak and helpless. She had fought her entire career to be seen as one of the guys and respected as an officer of the law and she knew that what happened to her would change the way they saw her.
As they passed the morgue Maura suddenly pressed the button to stop the elevator.
"What's wrong, you wanna stop at the morgue?" Jane asked surprised.
"No, I just wanted to tell you that I love you and that you don't have anything to prove to me or anyone else." Maura said looking straight into Jane's eyes.
"I know, nobody is asking me to do this, but I want to. If I want to recover I need to face him and stay close to the investigation. I know it's going to be hard for you, but I need you, please." Jane replied resting her forehead against Maura's.
"I know, and I'm not going anywhere." Maura sighed knowing how hard the next few months were going to be.
As the two women stepped into the squad room all eyes were immediately focused on them.
Feeling all those eyes on her Jane was uncomfortable, she could almost hear them thinking" Poor Rizzoli, she went through hell, she's never going to recover."
Walking towards Frost and Korsak Jane was squeezing Maura's hand as hard as she could, trying to breath and to be brave.
"Jane." Korsak said as she walked towards her partner.
"Hey."Jane replied feeling her partner's arm around her.
Feeling Korsak's paternal arms around her Jane felt her legs abandoning her, she could barely stand. Korsak and her have been through a lot over the years. Not only he had taught her everything he knew saved but he saved her from Hoyt and loved her like her daughter.
"How are you holding up?" Korsak asked seeing the emotion on the younger woman's face.
"Good, can we talk?"
"Straight to business." Korsak joked pulling Jane appart.
"Yes. How did the search go?" Jane said as she sat next to Maura at Korsak's desk.
"Good, we didn't find any other victims. We did everything by the book don't worry. The DA asked for an extradition, he should be transported when his medical condition allows it."
"Good." Jane nodded.
"I talked to his surgeon and he should be able to travel in two weeks."
"I'm sure the DA is gonna want to charge him immediately and to start the trial as soon as possible. Actually he asked that you visit him as soon as you feel up to it."
"I'll go tomorrow. Thank you for everything you've done for the past 4 months. I know I haven't showed my gratitude but I'm grateful to have you guys. I know you never gave up."
"You don't have to thank me, we did what we had to do to protect and help you. You should go home now and rest, you'll need all your strength to face the next few weeks."
"Yes, Maura, do you mind waiting for me in the car?"
"Why?You know you can talk in front of me." Maura frowned.
"I know, but there are some things Korsak and I need to discuss in private, please."
"Okay..." Maura sighed knowing exactly what Jane wanted to ask Korsak.
As Jane was watching Maura walk away she couldn't help but wishing she didn't have to drag her into this, but unfortunately she knew she couldn't do this without her.
"I know what you want to ask me that you can't ask me in front of her and the answer is no." Korsak said trying to convince himself that he could refuse her what she wanted.n
"Why?I can do it Korsak, I'm strong enough."
"I know you're strong enough, but I don't want to put you through unnecessary pain. Tomorrow you're going to talk to the DA and tell him your story, and that's only the start."
"I know but I need to do this, I need to go back there and to see it from my own eyes before the trial start and I'm faced with pictures you know how defense lawyers work, they're gonna try to make me loose it by showing me pictures of the place and by forcing me to look at him. I need to be prepared for that, please."
"Okay, I understand, I know there is no way stopping you, talk about it with Dr Isles and if give her approval I'll take you."
"Why do you need Maura's approval, I'm my own person, I can make my own decisions."
"Because we both now that Maura is the one who's going to hold your hand through it and who's going to sleep with you and hold you afterwards to keep you from having nightmares. She's the one who's going to have to deal with the emotional consequences that going back there might bring. So unless she agrees to go there with you, I won't take you."
"You're right, she's the one who's keeping me alive these days. She's my rock, she just takes so much without complaining. I wish I didn't have to put her through it, but I can't do this without her...I just can't."
"I know and no one is asking you to, she's strong and once the trial is over you'll be able to finally have the lives you deserve. Now go get her home and try to sleep okay?"
"Yes, thank you." Jane said holding her partner's hand.
As they were driving home Jane was wondering how to tell Maura that she wanted, that she needed to go back in that cave and that she needed her there too. She knew Maura was no fool and that she knew why she asked her to step out so she could ask Korsak, but she didn't know how to justify it to her.
As they entered into their house who was strangely clean and tidy after that monster broke in looking for information.
"Wow, I expected the place to be devastated, Ma must have come and clean."
"Yes, she told me she cleaned everything one the investigators were done, look I need some sleep, don't forget the alarm."Maura replied walking towards their bedroom.
"Maura, wait. I'm sorry." Jane said grabbing her girlfriend's arm.
"You know you didn't have to do that." Maura said bitterness in her voice and despite in her eyes.
"Do what?"
"Ask me to leave so you could be alone with Detective Korsak and ask him to take you there."
"I' m sorry, I just knew you would object."
"Of course I would have. Why would you even put yourself through this?"
"Because I need to, I need to face this place just like I need to face him in court. Looking the other way won't help me ."
"Have you even considered the consequences?Have you thought of what would happened afterwards?Because I have, I know that I'm going to have to hold you at nights for days, to help you sleep and keep the nightmare away. I know that you probably won't be able to talk to me or to look at me or to let me touch you."
"I know it's going to be hard but I need to do this and I need you there with me, you know I can't do this without you."
"I'm tired Jane, I love you and I want to help you but I don't know how much more pain I can handle, I'm sorry."Maura said running her trembling hair through her hair.
"Maura..."
"No, don't say a word, I'll come with you tomorrow and I'll support you during the trial, but after that... I don't know." Maura said pushing Jane away before locking herself in their bedroom.
For the first time Jane saw in Maura's eyes that she wanted to give up, that she couldn't take the pain anymore. For the first time she saw how broken Maura was and that she was loosing her and for what purpose?So she could go back in that cave and face him to show everyone she was strong and that she wasn't a victim?For years her pride kept her from being with Maura and now it was the same pride that was making her act like that and that was going to make Maura leave her. Thinking about it Jane didn't need to go there or to face him. She had put him down already so it wasn't essential to her recovery, she was doing it to regain the pride she had lost and that was costing her the most important person in her life.
That night Maura went to bed alone and cried herself to sleep. For the past 4 months she had given Jane everything she had, her love, her support, her patience, her body but she couldn't give anymore. She knew Jane wasn't hurting her on purpose but she couldn't take the pain anymore. She couldn't let Jane destroy what was left of their relationship and she knew that if she didn't start thinking about herself and draw the line somewhere their relationship wouldn't survive. For the first time Maura started to think that her love might not be enough for Jane, that what ever she was willing to put herself through it might not be enough. She loved Jane but wasn't willing to sacrifice herself , especially if they weren't even going to make it. As terrible and selfish as it sounded Jane needed to make a choice, and to stop listening to her pride and realize that it was okay for her not to control everything and that surviving all this already made her the strongest person Maura ever met, that she didn't need to put them through more pain to prove herself to her.
I know guys, that was depressing...God, I didn't expect that...I guess I'm a bit depressed today and I express it in my writing... So What choice is Jane gonna make?Is she gonna listen to her pride and go back in that cave and face him in a trial?Or is she gonna put this behind her ?Is Maura gonna support her either way?Is their love gonna survive?So many questions...don't worry happy times are coming ;)
